Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2008 03:00:28 +0000 From: Xenophon . Subject: Silver lining, part 4 Silver Lining by Xenophon Disclaimer: This story involves homosexual acts between under-age boys. If this offends you, or is illegal for you to view, or you are too young to read it, leave now and do not return. This story is entirely fictitious, and any similarity to persons living or dead, or to actual events is entirely coincidental. So there. I say that before every story, but this time I'd like to emphasise it- this is made up, it didn't happen. None of it. If you like this story, please check out my other story "They reach the sky" in the gay/young-friends section, last posted 30th March '08. Thank you to all those who have sent their comments, feedback and encouragement on parts 1-3. I've been nearly overwhelmed by the amount of kind words I have been sent. They mean a great deal, and I really appreciate them- every single one. Chapter 8- Alex "I bit my tongue and stood in line, with not much to believe in. I bought into what I was sold, and ended up with nothing. This is not my idea of a good time."- SM Have you ever been in a position where you only get up in the morning because you don't know what else to do? You can't sleep, you don't want to get up but lying in bed being miserable is even worse, so you get up, and go through the motions of life. If you haven't, I'm glad- it's horrible. If you have, can I recommend making friends with David? Up until the second Monday of Spring Term, I had been locked into that pattern of misery. Now I had one thing good in my life- only one- my friendship with the tall, sad boy who had swept into my life and rescued my sanity- what was left of it, at any rate. I realised after about a month that I loved David a bit- not romantic love in the slightest, but a platonic love. I had never had a friend like him- someone I could talk to about anything, someone who liked me for who I was. I had few friends in primary school, all of whom I'd lost touch with within months of moving school, and I had had four in the entire time in secondary school. None of them were good friends. I had hung around with a fat boy called Doug now and again- he was as geeky as me in his interests, but I didn't actually like him very much. He would say nasty things about various people- mainly non-white people, gay people, Muslims, Jews and women. When the whole Malcolm thing erupted he shoved me to the floor spouting about me being a "dirty poof" and to stay away from him. In hindsight, I was well rid of the bigoted arsewipe. The other three were Malcolm and his two emo friends, Liam and James. Those two I had never really liked or even got on with, but I could tolerate them if it got me close to Malcolm. My aunt, Jill, had no concept of the word 'discipline', and let me do anything I liked. So the three of them would happily come around to mine in the knowledge that they could smoke or look at porn on the internet or half a dozen other things any vaguely competent parent stops their child doing. Aunt Jill was only ever vaguely there- she worked all the time, and only gave perfunctory attention to myself or her miscreant daughter, Charlie. She was some big lawyer, so the house was big, nice and well outfitted with all the latest gadgets and I never lacked for anything material. The sad fact was though that I had not felt loved since my parents died, and I was so little then that I barely remembered it. In the months since I had stupidly tried to kiss Malcolm (and the whole bloody school year naturally finding out about it) I had been truly alone, whole days going by speaking to no one but my teachers. I somehow managed to keep going, enacting the motions of a life rather than really living. Now I had something to live for- the next school day, and the promise of a real friendship. I cannot put into words what David meant to me- I didn't find him remotely attractive, for some odd reason, but I wanted to talk to him and spend time with him all the time. I guess that's what people who have had best friends all their lives are used to, but for me it was a brand new experience, one I relished. I could just about bear the rest of my shitty life if I could be friends with David. Today was Sunday, though. David had been back to London to see friends and was planning to take Ben for a hair styling when he got back, so I was stuck in the house alone, playing 'Medieval: Total War' to escape from the horrible reality of my home life. Charlie was out- probably getting drunk or screwing some random guy (or both)- and Aunt Jill had been called into work (yes, she worked on Sundays when asked to- and she wondered why she had no control over us!). I would look at the clock every hour or so to see if it was late enough for me to go to bed, to sleep through as much of the time when I was alone, miserable and friendless, and to make tomorrow, when I could see my best friend- and Daniel- come sooner. Daniel was bringing up all sorts of uncomfortable feelings in me again- things I associated with Malcolm and my horrific mistake. Whenever I looked at the tall, olive-skinned boy, I felt my heart thump, almost as if changing gear, and speed up. I found my eyes sliding down his slender body, over that his tight bottom or fixing on his groin. School trousers left pretty much everything to the imagination, but thankfully my imagination has always been overactive so I tried to picture what lay beneath. At that point I would find myself getting an erection and realise I was staring, and look away quickly. I'm amazed the only person who noticed was David- were the others blind? Anyway, I knew better this time- I would have to restrain myself and hide my feelings as best I could. I didn't believe David- he was just being kind, saying he thought Daniel liked me back, I was certain. My reputation was bad enough- coming on too strong on a second straight boy would get me in even worse strife, and Daniel might grass me up or something, and I'd be in deep shit with the staff this time. No, I had to resign myself to a life of loneliness- and internet porn and masturbation, obviously- I'm lonely, not dead. Finally, around eight, I heard the door slam shut, and I assumed Aunt Jill was home. I was wrong- I heard Charlie's drunken giggle as she led some new beau up the stairs and into the room next to mine. For the next, oh, five minutes, I was treated to giggles and groans and the banging of the bedstead against my wall before the inebriated visitor must have got overexcited. Ten minutes later I heard him leave. There was a knock on my door. "What?" I snapped. This could only be bad for me. "Hey, cos," Charlie slurred. "Got any fags?" She laughed, finding her own pun hilarious. "I mean, cigarettes, obviously- an ugly little squirt like you would have to get any man paralytic before he'd come back with you! Even dirty old men wouldn't touch you!" I was used to this. She sounded harsh, but for her this was polite. I sighed. I frequently stole cigarettes from Aunt Jill- she never cared, and I looked too young to blag buying them- and had a few spare packs lying around for this sort of intrusion. I tossed Charlie a half-empty pack of Bensons. "Cheers Al," she slurred. She was truly wasted. "Th-that was a friend, just wanted to see my room." "Yeah, I guessed- from the groaning, the headboard banging the wall and the fact he left after fifteen minutes. At least tell me you used a condom- no poor kid should get stuck with you as a mother," I said. She walked over to my computer desk and hit me- properly, catching my cheek with her knuckles and knocking my glasses off, throwing me to the floor. "Watch your mouth, you little shit!" she screamed, and staggered off, leaning on the door frame to light a smoke, slamming my door as she left before collapsing into the brothel she called a bedroom. I lay where I landed and cried. Not the powerful sobbing I had broken out in in David and Ben's room, just softly weeping to myself. I hated that bitch, I hated useless Aunt Jill, and I hated myself. For being too clever, for being a geek, for being small and weedy, for being so useless with other people and for being gay. I had a sudden fit of jealousy for Ben- he had a nice home, nice parents and shared a room with his lover, my best friend. He was popular, athletic, good-looking and slightly above average size for his age. If I could swap places with him... but I couldn't and even if I could, that would deny him to David, and he would have to put up with my life, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone- even Malcolm. After a while, I stopped crying, and just went to bed- it was ridiculously early, but I couldn't bear to be in the waking world. Despite the early night, I awoke with my alarm telling me to get up or I'd be late- and miss some of the only good times in my life. I got up, showered, rescued my glasses from under my computer desk where they had landed after Charlie punched me, and dressed. Aunt Jill had come home and left for work again, all while I slept. No wonder Charlie's dad buggered off before I was orphaned- that woman cared for nothing but her own career. Heartless bitch. I got to school first, naturally- the grounds were totally deserted. The first boy in the whole school, as it was every morning since David turned up and Martin invited us into their group. Don't get me wrong, I liked all four other boys- particularly Daniel- but just found it difficult to talk to them. I'd been more part of the package deal for David than a genuine invitee. After about ten minutes, other boys began to turn up. Jason was the first of the group to arrive. Jason was cool- he always looked well-groomed but casual in his uniform. On the few occasions I'd seen him in civvies he was well-dressed and stylish. He had a calm, happy air about him, and never seemed to have to try too hard to get on with people. I had a feeling he could have had as many friends as he liked, but was simply happy with those that he had. I liked him, but was always slightly intimidated by his coolness. "Awright, good weekend?" he asked as he came up to me. "OK," I lied, not wanting to talk about it. "Do anything good?" "Football on Saturday was OK- nothing special. Won 5-1. Not bad for us," he said. I guessed that was good- you could write what I knew about sport on a fag butt. "Sunday was boring- got dragged to church, as usual, which was OK, and went to my auntie's in Islington. She's a great cook and my cousins are alright- think they're hard, but they're OK. You?" "Nothing much," I said. "I had a county youth orchestra rehearsal on Saturday, which was good. Sunday was boring." That's probably something David's not mentioned yet, I suppose. My one refuge from the world other than David is music. David's a good singer, but it's a hobby for him- for me, it was much more. I got lost in playing Bach partitas or listening to Bruckner symphonies for hours on end, and managed to black out the misery of the real world. I had started playing the violin when I was about four- when my parents were still alive- and played at least two hours a day, every day. I was fairly good- never good enough to be professional, but a good amateur. I played in the truly awful school orchestra and played in the county youth orchestra. I even did the occasional concert solo piece. I had lessons at least once a week, and my teacher was trying to teach me and another of her pupils the Vivaldi concerto for two violins in A minor. I say try- she did teach us. I could play it fairly well, and the other pupil, a sixteen year old girl called Andi, breezed through it without difficulty. I had a ravenous appetite for music, both playing and listening. Unfortunately, my total ignorance of any music written after about 1960 (unless you count Philip Glass) added another stumbling block to my social life- I couldn't talk music with anyone except David, him being the only other boy I knew who had even heard of Bruckner or Rimsky-Korsakov or pretty much anyone bar Mozart, in fact. "Yeah, I forgot you played," said Jason. "Listen, you playing in the concert later this term?" "Yeah, probably," I said. I was underplaying myself- I would be leading the orchestra and playing a solo piece by Fiocco, but with all my existing social ills, I wasn't one to blow my own trumpet. "Well, I was speaking to Martin after football on Saturday, and we know Daniel's playing something on the piano and David's singing in the choir, so we thought we should come support you. Would you mind?" he said. Mind? Why in the name of all that is good in life would I mind? I was floored by the offer- I hadn't been to their sports matches. Granted I had rehearsals so couldn't, but I probably wouldn't have gone even if I could, such was my disinterest in all things sporting. "You don't have to-" I began. "No, but we want to," Jason cut me off. "All three of us- Mouse, Martin and me- want to hear you three. And you support your mates. At least, we do." "I'd really like it, Jace. If I get a Saturday off, I'll come watch you lot play," I vowed. He laughed. "You just want an excuse to see us in our shorts, don't you?" he said. When he saw my face fall, he added, "I'm joking, Alex- relax mate. We'd love it if you came, but no pressure- you're busy, we get it." Shock of shocks, Martin turned up next. That was the earliest he'd got to school in living memory. "OK, who are you, and what have you done with Martin Leamy?" Jason asked. "Fuck off Jace, my mam got a letter from the school about me being late all the time and I got a glass of cold water in the face to get me up this morning. Happy?" he glowered at us. We both laughed. Martin looked like thunder. Mouse and David arrived almost simultaneous shortly after, Ben splitting off with a glance back at David at the gate. Mouse also asked if he could come to the concert, and I could have kissed him in gratitude. Daniel was, unusually for him, the last to arrive, getting in just as the bell went. I had begun to get worried about him. "Made it," he gasped, panting like he had run in. "Couldn't get in the bathroom for ages- my little brother's been throwing up all night and this morning, I've had bugger all sleep and my room smells of puke. How's everyone else?" We laughed, his question obviously ironic. That was possibly the longest sentence I'd heard from the stunning youth. He was 5'7'', had dark brown hair, light brown eyes that almost seemed to glow in the right light and rimless glasses that heightened his fine, noble features. He was slender but not skinny, and, to me, the most stunning thing I'd ever seen. Despite his actually being almost a full year younger than me, he looked two or three years older than I did. I suddenly realised we were almost at our class, Jason and Mouse had gone to their own class without me noticing and I was staring at Daniel. He seemed to notice the second before I could look away, and smiled shyly at me. The rest of the morning was largely uneventful. I was left alone thanks to pretty much everyone being afraid of Martin's wit, Mouse's strength and David's wit and strength. After lunch (greasy spoon junk food, as was usual for us on Mondays) we went for Games. We all walked into the same changing room, as we were early (for once) and could choose our own spaces rather than having to fight for a clothes hook. I found myself next to Daniel. I realised I had never seen him less than fully clothed, and had to suppress the mental image that thought conjured up. To a mixture of horror, delight and lust, I realised that, no matter where I looked, I could see him changing out of at least the corner of my eye. Trying to think of boring things to prevent the impending hard-on, I decided to subtly check him out as he stripped to put on his football kit. His chest showed a little development when he pulled his shirt off- he was fairly slender, but there was a clearer outline of his pectoral muscles, and his stomach was washboard flat. His nipples were brown, perfectly complimenting his olive skin, and he had an innie navel that I wanted to dive into with my tongue. He had tufts of black hair in his armpits, but otherwise his torso was hairless. He dropped his trousers, exposing his firm, slender legs. His feet looked expertly sculpted, and in perfect proportion to his legs. His feet had high arches and his toes were neat and his nails trimmed. He had a dusting of black hair on his calves but otherwise his legs were smooth. It took all my self restraint not to run my hands over them. He was wearing black briefs that hugged his firm bottom beautifully, and the pouch at the front appeared full and well endowed. Sadly, he didn't drop them and expose his proud maleness, but I supplied the image from my imagination. He...was... GORGEOUS! I managed to avoid anything more than a semi-on, and kept changing while I watched him, so I don't think he or anyone else noticed. When we were all ready to go out and play (or at least try, in my case), David and I were last out. He winked and grinned at me. Apparently he had seen me having a good, lecherous look at the object of my desire. I felt a warmth blossom on my cheeks, but I didn't worry- David was discreet. Rugby was, as always, bloody awful. David, Mouse and Martin may love it, but I have never, ever seen the attraction- you only play when it's cold, the ground's usually more mud than turf, it involves trying to hurt the opposition as much as skill, it stops and starts like a bus in rush hour, it hurts, it knackers you out and you need a degree in calculus to work out the scoring- although not as bad as cricket, I grant you- that sport takes complexity and esotericism to an art form. Anyhow, you get my point- I didn't like it. The fact that I was royally bad at it- partly due to me not being able to see very well without my glasses- despite the others trying to help me improve, didn't help. I found myself being put through the drills and mucking them up, and felt useless. The others being good at them didn't help my mood much. To absolutely no one's surprise, I didn't make the squad for Saturday. Back in the changing rooms, I decided to skip showering, partially because I was embarrassed by my spindly body and didn't want people looking at me and partially because I couldn't be bothered given how little mud I had on my body and how little exertion I'd put into the practice. As I pulled off my socks (boots had to be taken off outside) I saw the other three rugby players I was friends with strip and head to the shower. I will admit to giving each the perfunctory once-over. Mouse may have got the name from his height, but in honesty it could have applied below the belt too- he was not well endowed, even smaller than I was in the trouser department. Martin's ginger pubes looked weird to me- definitely not my thing. For some reason I skipped David- he was Ben's, and off-limits to even glance at. Then Jason and Daniel came in. By now I was putting my uniform back on. I missed Jason going into the shower, so couldn't resolve the line about black boys being better endowed. I was too busy trying not to stare at Daniel. He removed all his clothes without a shred of modesty, and walked into the shower. He was about four inches soft, circumcised (of course, him being Jewish) and perfect. His balls were not large but not small either, and hung quite loosely. His whole package looked like the creation of a Renaissance sculptor- it was simply ideal, and I suddenly found myself stiff as a post. Thankfully I was fully dressed, and could carry my kit bag in front of my groin as I went outside to wait for the others. As usual, we all enquired what we were doing this evening before we left. The answers were usually the same, and for the most part, today was no exception. "Nothing," said Mouse. "Bugger all," said Martin. "Sweet Fanny Adams," said Jason. "Less than that," said David. "Babysitting my brothers," said Daniel, breaking the monotony. "The olds have got some teaching conference at one of the big hospitals in London, so they won't be back till late. My sister's staying at a friend's thank God, so I've just got two of them to look after." "Want some company?" someone said. I looked around. Oh bollocks, that was me wasn't it? Oh, I'd done it now- raise rejection shields, plot a course at scarper factor 9, prepare to engage. "Won't your aunt mind? It's a school night," said Daniel. I stopped myself from waggling a finger in my ear to check I was hearing right- that didn't sound like a 'no' to me. "She wouldn't even notice- if she's there, which she won't be," I said. Sadly, that was true. "I'd like the company, thanks mate. I'll just phone Mum to check it's OK. Bye guys," he said, reaching for his mobile and waving as the others left. David winked at me as he left to meet Ben, a knowing smirk on his face. I mouthed "Fuck off" at him, smiling, and he grinned harder. After a brief chat, Daniel found out it was fine for me to come round- as long as we did our homework. Yeah, dream on! Like I was going to waste my time on voltage-current-resistance calculations when I could be getting to know the best looking boy I knew. "Calm, Alex," I thought, "don't repeat your mistake with Malcolm just because he's fit and makes you horny." As we set out for his house- which turned out to be less than two minutes walk from mine- we were silent. I tried to think of something to say, and was about to start a conversation at least three times, stopping myself when I thought it was stupid each time. Daniel was quiet. Finally I had to say something. "So, what's this thing your parents are doing?" I asked. "Oh, they teach people training to be doctors," he said. "They've got some meeting about curriculum or something- I don't really understand it, it's all a bit... involved." "Oh," I said. "They're doctors then?" "Yeah," he said. "You can tell by their handwriting- it's terrible!" I laughed. "So do you wanna be a doctor too?" I asked, desperately thinking of something to say that would make him talk- I loved the deep, soft sound of his voice, and I wanted to know everything there was to know about him. "I dunno, really," he said. "I mean, it sounds interesting when they talk about it, but it's lots of work and I'm not sure if I'm smart enough." "Are you taking the piss?" I said. "You get moved up a year for being clever, you're what- top three in the year in grades?" "Fourth," he said. "Not that I keep track," he added, blushing handsomely. "Daniel, this is me- I'm not gonna take the piss for being smart, am I? I'm a geek, not a hypocrite," I said. He laughed, something he didn't do often enough for my liking- when he laughed, his usually sombre face lit up and his eyes flashed like hazel gemstones. "Yeah, OK, I guess I'm fairly smart," he conceded. "But I'm not sure if I'm good enough when, y'know, people's lives depend on it." "You are- and you're kind too. I'd be really glad to have a doctor like you," I said, then realised what I had said, and felt my cheeks burn and tried to think of an escape line. I failed. "Thanks," he said. "That's nice. Oh well, I've got a few years to decide. What about you? What do you want to be when you grow up?" "Five foot six, at least," I said. He laughed. "Seriously though, I don't really know. I hate the sight of blood, so doctoring's out. Aunt Jill's a lawyer so I can't think of anything I'd rather be less. In my dreams I'm a concert violinist, but I'll never be good enough for that. I like history at school, so maybe something to do with that, but I'm not sure." Daniel nodded, and we walked on in silence for a bit. "Hey, can I ask you something?" I said, wanting to know something. "People call me Alex, not Alexander. David's David not Dave out of choice. Why does no one call you Dan?" "No one ever has. I've not really had many friends, and I don't talk much, so people don't really use my name much," he said, shrugging. "Can I call you Dan?" I asked. "I mean, we're friends, aren't we?" "Yeah, I guess we are. You're the first person to come back to my house since primary school, anyway," he said. That surely couldn't be right- he'd been at the school for three-and-a-half years and no one had come home with him? Had he been THAT lonely the whole time and we'd missed each other? We'd been in the same class the whole time, for fuck's sake. "Yeah, I'd like it if you called me Dan. More personal, somehow," he said, smiling at me. I felt my heart change gear again and set off like a greyhound chasing the hare as he did so, and found myself smiling back. He was really quite overwhelming. We walked in silence for a bit again, and I though about what he'd said. I had heard through the grapevine (Mouse told Martin who told Jason who told David who told me) that Dan (as he shall be henceforth) had been badly picked on- something I hadn't been so much until the Malcolm fiasco- until Martin made friends with him while stuck in detention- Martin for lateness, Dan for cheating (a trumped up charge- someone was trying to cheat off him and the teacher got things the wrong way around). He had been bullied and lonely. No wonder I felt such affinity for him- that, and his being drop dead delicious. "What are your brothers called?" I asked, as he led us up the path to his front door. His house was big, I noticed. "Sam's the elder, Peter's the younger," he said. We went inside. Dan introduced me to his mum and dad, who were getting ready to leave. Dan was the spitting image of his mother facially, but she was quite tiny- shorter than me, even. He got his height from his father, who was well over six foot- when you get to be a foot taller than me, I stop counting the extra inches. His little brothers, who looked far more like their father than Dan, were sitting at the dinner table eating fish fingers. Dan went for a pee and his mum told the two younger boys to be good and to do as they were told while his huge father and I made small talk. He seemed nice- a real gentle giant with a deep, soft voice- much like his son. "Alex, there's food in the freezer, fridge and cupboards- help yourself to anything you like, and if you don't know how to cook it, Daniel certainly should, so get him to do it. He knows how to be a host. Now, you're sure your parents don't mind you being here?" Dan's mum asked. "I live with my aunt, and no, she's fine with it," I said, perhaps exaggerating her degree of interest just a tad. Dan came out of the bathroom, and gave his parents a kiss each as they left. "How was school?" Dan asked, giving his brothers a kiss and cuddle each. They were sweet kids, with the same brown hair, big brown eyes and glasses Dan had, just with entirely different bone structure in their faces. They both answered with "good, thank you", and Peter, the younger boy, showed Dan a painting he did of his family at school. To me, it looked a terrible mess of smudged watercolours, but Dan sat the smaller child on his lap and praised the picture like it was an original Jacques-Louis David masterpiece. The little child beamed at his brother, then got bored and went to watch TV. Sam quickly followed, and a fight nearly broke out over the remote control before Dan took it and put it in his pocket, telling them to watch nicely. He came back into the kitchen, and we sat down at the table, facing each other. "Annoying brats, aren't they?" Dan whispered. "You don't actually think that, do you?" I said. "You're far too good with them to find them that bad." "You're supposed to find your little brothers annoying though, aren't you?" he said. "I wouldn't know," I said. "But we're friends- you don't have to pretend." OK, so I'm a hypocrite- sue me. "They're OK," he said. "They can be annoying- like that little argument you just saw. But they're my brothers, so yeah I guess I do love them. We've shared a room all our lives, so we're pretty good friends too. I just wish, y'know, sometimes..." "You could have some time to yourself, some privacy?" I said as he ran out of words. "Yeah," he said. "And Mum and Dad have to work late and at weekends sometimes so I have to babysit them all the time. But they're the best friends I've got, so I suppose I shouldn't complain." His hands were resting on the table, clasped together. He looked tense, like he was holding something in. Without thinking, I put one of my hands on his. "I'd like us to be good friends too," I said. I suddenly realised what I was doing, and was about to snatch my hand away and apologise when he smiled at me, a hint of sadness in his eyes. "Thanks," he said simply. He still looked like he was holding something back. In many ways, I felt Dan and I had more in common than ever at that moment. He always seemed to be holding back, mentally biting his tongue as if he was about to lose control in some way. I always felt the same, but I dealt with that feeling by being bluff and over the top- throwing myself into conversations so any meaningful and potentially upsetting topics could be avoided. In my entire life, only David and Malcolm had seen me without the barriers, and that had resulted in a fifty percent disaster rate- bad by any measure. I had to keep the social deflector shields up now, or I would embarrass us both. Unless I could persuade him to lower his first... "Are you OK? You look like you want to say something," I said. I felt his hands clench under mine. "I... it's just..." he said. I could see the barrier weakening- he was almost going to open up. "I'm bored!" said Peter, the little boy bounding into the kitchen. I jerked my hand away, and Dan looked at his brother, seemingly about to shout at him before finally seeing the child and visibly reining his imminent anger in. "Have the cartoons finished?" he asked. Peter nodded. "What's Sam doing?" "Playing Playstation. I wanna play football!" he said. "Well, go out into the garden then- but it'll be dark in half an hour, so come back in then," Dan said. The boy bounded off. Dan's face had reset to it's usual impassivity. I had been so close. "You wanna go upstairs or something? Mess about online while the little 'uns aren't in our room?" he asked. I nodded and we went upstairs. Dan's room was big enough, but with his bed and his brothers' bunk beds it didn't feel it. That, and the mess looked like an angry bear had been through the room throwing any and everything onto the floor except Dan's computer. He booted it up and we messed about for a bit, watching funny videos that made me guffaw and him barely smile, and other inane but fun stuff. I didn't care what we were doing- I was with Dan, in his bedroom. Making ourselves comfortable, we slid our shoes and socks of, undid our ties and he unbuttoned the top two buttons of his shirt, allowing me a glimpse of just a little of his beautiful chest. Just the sight of that small patch of skin and his bare feet had me hunching forward to hide the growing arousal I had. We got bored of the site we were on, and Dan popped downstairs to call in Peter and check Sam wasn't setting the house on fire or anything like that. I wanted to find the address of one of the sites we had visited to look at when I got home, as I didn't know it, and went to the history of his browser. Scrolling through the list of websites, I spotted one I was all too familiar with- the Nifty erotic stories archive. I opened the list of stories he'd been reading. I had a quick twinge of guilt over invading his privacy like that, but I had to know- I needed to know if I had any chance with him, to know if he was like me. I quickly surveyed the list of stories- they were all from the gay section of the archive. My heart somersaulted in my chest- he was gay! He'd never like me, of course, but it kept my fantasy alive. Suddenly I heard the door open, and Dan come in behind me. He had been half-smiling when he came in, but as he spotted what I was looking at, the hint of happiness vanished from his face. Instead of his usual emotionless look, however, I saw a range of expressions flash across his features- anger, fear, despair and several I couldn't recognise, before he controlled himself and his stony expression reasserted itself. "You'll want to go now, I suppose," he said, looking at the floor. I could see his jaw muscle clenching. He held the door to his room open. "No- do you want me to?" I asked. I had a horrible feeling I'd just fucked things up royally again. Dan shrugged. I got up and went over to him. I tentatively touched the hand he was using to hold the door open with my hand. I put my other hand on his shoulder. "I'll go if you want me to," I said, "but I want to stay. I like spending time with you. I'm sorry I did that, I was being nosey, and I had no right. If you want to kick me out, I'll understand." "NO!" he said, more forceful than I'd hear him say anything before. The shield had slipped momentarily, but he quickly raised it again. "I mean, if you wanna stay, that's cool." "Yeah, I do," I said, smiling at him. He was avoiding looking at me. "I really like spending time with you, Dan, I like you a lot." He still avoided my eyes. I slipped my hand into his, taking it off the door, allowing it to swing shut. I stood infront of him. "You know that doesn't bother me, right?" I said. He stayed silent. I thought I could see tears in his eyes. "You know I'm that way too- that I like boys." "You didn't see it then," he said at last. "See what?" I said. When he didn't speak, I went back to the computer to see what he meant. He tried to stop me. "Dan, what is it? I promise I won't mind. Show me. Please." He looked like he was about to start crying. Finally, a tear rolling down his left cheek, he clicked on one of the stories. I read it quickly. It was written from the point of view of a thirteen year-old boy who sounded very confused- he didn't know why, but he had started thinking about boys without their clothes on. In particular, one very geeky friend of his. Whenever he was around him he got new, strange feelings in his groin and chest, and couldn't think properly. He knew the boy was gay, but didn't understand what he felt. Finally, the boy stumbled across the Nifty archive by accident and started reading the 'young friends' section of the gay stories, and began to get aroused by them, eventually starting to jack off to them. Finally, the boy telling the story kissed the other, geeky boy, but he rejected him, going off with a rugby playing hunk instead. The story ended with the boy crying himself to sleep. "This...this is me?" I said. "You wrote this?" He nodded, tears in his eyes still. "You think I fancy David? Boy are you wide of the mark!" I said. "Huh?" Dan said. "But you're with him all the time- you talk to him about everything. You've been to his house and everything." "We're really good friends, but I don't like him that way and he doesn't like me that way either. I like someone else." His face was barely a foot from mine as we hunched over the computer. I could smell just the hint of sweat from football still lingering on his skin, and I could see all the fine details of his skin close up- the soft down on his cheeks, the faint stubble where he'd obviously shaved off a wispy moustache, the double reflection of the computer screen in his glasses and his beautiful brown eyes behind them. I couldn't stop myself. I leaned in and brushed his lips with mine, feeling his sweet breath wash over my face, and nearly fainting at the touch of his warm mouth on mine, albeit for less than a second. "I like you, you sweet, beautiful fool!" I said, smiling at him. He looked at me with amazement. I probably reflected his own wonder- I couldn't believe this was happening- he actually liked me! "You're not just, like, saying that to try and make me feel better?" he said. I kissed him again, lingering a little longer this time. I then put an arm around his neck and kissed him properly, pressing my lips to his and keeping them there, holding him tight and standing us both up straight. I had to stand on tiptoes and he had to bend his neck, but we stayed locked together. Plucking up all my courage, I slipped my tongue in between my lips and lightly brushed his lips. He opened his lips immediately and sucked my tongue into his mouth, sticking his tongue right into mine. I thought I was about to pass out- here I was, sharing the mouth of the most stunning boy in school. We were both really bad at kissing, and we basically just mashed our tongues together, but to me it felt like the best kiss the world had ever known. Finally we both began to get the hang of what we were doing, and began exploring the contours of our partner's mouth lustily. A shout from downstairs made us jerk apart quickly. "Dan! It's dark! Can you play Playstation with Sam and me?" piped the voice of Peter. "Yeah, be down in a minute," he said. "Sorry- we can talk when they're in bed. If you want to stay, that is." "I'm going nowhere!" I whispered back, and we kissed quickly once more, and went downstairs. We played on their PS2 for a while, playing a racing game I hadn't played before where the basic goal appeared to be to destroy your rivals' cars as often as possible to stop them winning. I liked it, but while I was a veteran gamer, I wasn't familiar with the controls or the tracks so usually finished last. Dan won most of the time, but would tactically throw a couple of races to keep his brothers happy. Little Peter seemed content at simply finishing higher than me, the eldest boy there. Eventually, Dan put the controller down. "Bathtime, Pete, then bed," he announced. Peter pouted and moaned for a few seconds, before finally being led up the stairs by his brother. I played on against Sam, who I finally managed to be able to compete with, if not actually beat. We chatted as we played. He was a chatty child, unlike his elder brother, and full of questions, most of which would be considered a little personal for an older boy to ask, but I answered them anyway as none of them were inappropriate and I wanted to ingratiate myself with Dan's family, hoping they wouldn't mind me coming back again if I did. Peter came down dressed in Spongebob Squarepants pyjamas to kiss his brother goodnight, and waved goodnight to me. Dan put him to bed and came back down. "Five more minutes mate, then your turn in the bath, or the water will be cold," he said. "I wanna keep playing with Alex!" Sam protested. "Then you can have a cold bath and explain to Mum and Dad why you're tired tomorrow," Dan said. "Anyway, Alex is probably getting bored of this game now." "Are you?" he asked me. "It's good, but I think I'm getting tired of you beating me," I said with a smile. "I could let you win," he said, valiantly fighting this losing battle. "It's no fun if you let me win. Sorry mate- I'll come back another time and play you again, if Dan lets me," I said. Sam nodded, apparently admitting defeat. "I don't need you to bath me though!" he said to his brother. "No, you don't, you're big enough. Just leave the door ajar so I can hear if you call me, OK?" Dan said. "Okaaaay," he said, rolling his eyes. I suppressed a laugh at the little boy trying to act grown-up. When he was gone, I turned off the console and television and sat next to Dan on the couch. "You remember in the kitchen? Just before Peter came in. What were you going to say?" I asked. "Oh, that. It's just... sometimes I just want to scream and shout or whatever- just to be myself. I can't at school, that got me bullied, I can't at home cos I've got to be grown up and look after the boys when my parents aren't here, and if I don't act grown up when they're around, they give me a hard time about needing me to be responsible. I just... I'm not a little kid but I'm not a grown up either. Why can't I just be myself?" he said. He was keeping his voice down, but he was ranting with enough force for it to seem like he was shouting. "You don't have to pretend now," I said. "Peter's in bed, Sam will be in a minute, your parents aren't here and you don't have to be someone you're not for my sake. What do you want to do?" He looked stumped. He smiled sheepishly. "I don't know. I guess I've never had the chance, so I don't know what teenagers are supposed to do. What do you do?" "Usual stuff- laze about, read books that people think are rubbish, listen to films that are supposed to be bad for us, smoke- stuff like that. David listens to angry music, Mouse shaves his head, Jason plans his tattoos and Martin... fuck knows what Martin does- probably sleeps," I said. Dan smiled again. He was gorgeous AND thought my feeble jokes were funny? Was there nothing wrong with him? "Some people do drugs or drink- but having seen what that does to my cousin, I wouldn't recommend those. There's sex too, of course." Dan blushed to the roots of his eyebrows. He looked different just now- he usually looked so grown up, so composed, so impassive. Now he looked caught between frustrated teenage angst and boyish embarrassment. It was good to know he still could act his own age, that the spirit inside him was still alive. "Can we go into the back garden and smoke? I don't have any, and I don't really like it, but I need to do something!" he said. "We could do something else- something you might like more," I said, and before he could speak again I put my hand to the back of his head and kissed him. He stiffened at first, then relaxed. His lips quickly parted and his tongue slipped into my mouth. We kissed for about a minute, when we heard the gurgle of water emptying down a plughole, telling us Sam was out of the bath. We tried to look innocent as the middle brother came down in his boxer shorts to kiss Dan goodnight and to say goodnight to me. As he turned around, I couldn't help but laugh. "Er, I think you might have them around the wrong way mate," said Dan. Sam twisted, trying to look behind him at what was making us laugh, then turned bright red and swore loudly when he saw the fly of his boxers was at the back, not the front, and that it was wide open and flashing his bumcrack to us both. He promptly ran upstairs, our laughter following him. "You look good when you laugh- you should do it more often," I told Dan. I kissed him again, hearing the bedroom door shut. "Alex, what does this mean?" Dan asked when we broke. "What?" I said. "Y'know, this- us kissing and stuff. I mean, does this mean I'm gay?" he said. "Would that be so bad?" I asked. "Well... I don't know what my parents would think, but I wouldn't care, if it meant I could be with you," he said. I smiled and kissed him again for the sentiment. "Don't worry about labels. Be who you are, be with who you want to be, do what feels right, and be happy. Nothing else matters. What do you want?" I asked. "You. I want... I want to be with you all the time. I want to kiss you, to cuddle you. To touch you... other than that, I'm not sure," he said. "I am. I want all those things too. I know I only like boys, and you're the one I want to be with. You do what makes you happy- I'll wait for you as long as I've got a chance," I said. I can hear the groans of derision right now- yes, I was a doormat. I thought you'd guessed that by now? I volunteered to come in early and show a strange kid around the school where no one liked me when you first met me, and you're only NOW realising I have an unhealthy lack of self-interest? In seriousness, I had spent so much of my life having to be spontaneous in caring for myself, learning to live life without any real affection, that I would put up with pretty much anything for a bit of attention from another. If that affection was coming from someone I thought was pretty much the best thing to grace the earth, there was pretty much nothing I wouldn't put up with to keep it. "What do you mean, wait?" he said. "We can be together as friends at school, you can come over anytime and we can be together, anytime we're alone we can kiss and stuff- what do you mean wait?" I rolled my eyes. I suspected he was being deliberately naive. Someone with as an extensive collection of written erotica and who wrote the story I read knew about the birds and the bees- or in our case, the bees and the bees. "Well Dan, you see, when two boys love each other very much..." I began, adopting the patronising tone of a teacher telling a smaller child the 'facts of life'. He laughed. "Seriously Dan, at some point in my life I do want to have sex. Obviously it's most likely to be with someone blind, desperate, drunk and possibly comatose..." He laughed again, and hugged me. I felt my cock stand to attention as if barked at by a sergeant major. "You know what I was talking about- I read that story, remember? I know you think about sex. I do too. I think I want to do stuff like that with you. I'll wait until you're ready." He looked at me thoughtfully. "What if I was ready for some things now?" he said. "Like what?" I said, my prick getting even harder and my heart shifting from sixth gear to a seventh I didn't even know it had. He smiled naughtily. He kissed me again, lingering. We stayed kissing for a while, running our hands over each others' chest and back through our clothes. I slipped my hands under his shirt and began rubbing his back, pulling him harder into me. He grasped my waist and pulled me onto his lap. I was straddling his thighs, and I pulled myself hard against him. One of his hands slipped up under my shirt and began fondling my right nipple. I moaned into his mouth, and moved one of the hands stroking his back to his chest to reciprocate the pectoral pleasure. I felt his other hand stroking my thin belly, stroking down towards my trousers. I felt him undo my belt. I didn't stop him. I felt him clasp my erect penis through my trousers. I moaned, and had to break our kiss as my back arched of its own accord. He began stroking me up and down. "Is this OK?" he breathed. "Yeah," I gasped, not able to articulate how much better than that it actually was. He continued groping me through my trousers before getting frustrated and unzipping my flies, slipping a hand in to grasp my hardness through my briefs. I slipped my own hand down to his crotch and found his hard maleness standing proudly beneath his clothes. Feeling his much bigger organ, I panicked. Suddenly, I stopped, and got up. "I'm sorry!" I said. "What?" he said, looking hurt. "What did I do?" "Nothing," I said. "You... you were great... I... I just..." "What? What Alex? Tell me, please." I turned away from him. I could feel tears welling up, and didn't want him to see me cry. "Alex, please, what have I done?" I felt him clasp my shoulders as I began to weep. He kissed my cheek from behind, pulling me tight to his hot, bigger body. "Please, I've hurt you- I'm sorry. Please tell me what's wrong." I looked at him. "Hurt me? You couldn't hurt me, I like you too much for that... it's just..." The words just wouldn't come out. He turned me round gently, and lifted my face with a finger under my chin. I saw his noble, handsome face looking down at me with concern written all over it, so much expression from his normally composed features. "Please tell me," he said. "I...I'm embarrassed," I spluttered. "Why? What could you possibly be embarrassed about? I'm the one who's made an idiot of himself all night." "It's... Dan, look at you, then look at me. You're tall, you're fit, you're handsome, you've..." I said, stopping myself before the ultimate self-loathing came out. "I'm short, skinny and ugly. Why would you want to be with me? To... you know... do stuff..." "You're not ugly! I like the way you look!" he said, taking my glasses off and wiping away my tears. He kissed my cheeks and eyes. "So you're not as tall as me, so what? And I like your body. I've wanted to see it in the showers for months!" He had been doing so well. I had begun to feel good hearing him say nice things about me, but the last line had destroyed the confidence. "But... you've... I mean, I've..." I said. I took a deep breath. "You've got a much bigger dick than me, OK?" "So?" he said. "If it's yours, I'll love it. And it'll make some things easier. Alex, I don't care if you have a tiny little gnat's cock- and from what I could feel, you don't. I like you just as you are. Come here, you dear, sweet fool!" he said, and pulled me tight. He lifted me off my feet, and held me in his arms like a groom carries a bride. He kissed me hard, and staggered back to the couch. He sat me down. "Do you trust me?" I nodded. I was nervous as hell, and wasn't sure I trusted myself, but I trusted him. He kissed me again, running his hands over my torso. He unbuttoned my shirt while kissing me, and ran his hands over my bare flesh. I just clasped his shoulders, never wanting to let him go. I hoped he meant what he said. I was not proud of my body, my genitals particularly, but he was worth the risk. "Fuck my insecurities, life's for living!" I thought, and really got into the kiss. His hands on my flesh were the most soothing thing I'd ever felt, and I rapidly felt my self-loathing drift away as pure lust and pleasure took over. I was hard as a rock again quickly. He began kissing down my neck, stopping by my ear to stick his tongue in and blow into it. I giggled as he did so, then quickly began sighing softly in pleasure as he kissed down my neck. He stopped of at my nipples, giving each one a quick lick and suck, as he moved down my skinny chest. He flicked his tongue around and across my outie belly button as he crossed my stomach. While he caressed the skin of my belly with his mouth, his hands undid my flies. I could guess what was coming next. If only he could avoid laughing, this would be perfect. He pulled my rock hard cock from my briefs, and looked at it for the first time. "Wow," he said, looking at my face and smiling. "It's gorgeous!" He licked his lips, and turned his attention back to my groin. He began exploring my privates. Just the hint of the warmth of his hand on the area had me moaning, as my most precious organs were touched for the first time by any hand but my own. My cock was only about four and a half inches long, and not quite an inch thick. Seeing his handsome face inches away from it, and remembering his impressive member as I saw it as he went to shower nearly made me lose my erection and stop him, but at that moment he looked up at me and smiled the filthiest smile I had ever seen in my life, and all of a sudden I forget the shame about my own body. He fondled my mini-egg-sized testicles in their nearly hairless sack with one hand, and ran his other hand through my pubes. He tickled up my shaft with his fingertips, making me arch my back again and moan. I felt my cock grow even harder. My foreskin hadn't retracted of it's own accord, not even parting at the tip, and Dan ran one finger round the lip of my prepuce, making my dick jump. He grasped my hood in two fingers and a thumb of his trembling hand, and slowly rolled it back, exposing my purple helmet. I stiffened and clenched my teeth to stop from crying out. He slowly stroked my hood up and down a few times, and I thought I was going to die from the pleasure that seemed to consume my whole being. I looked at him. I had never seen his face so relaxed, despite the tremble in his fingers, and I caressed his cheek. He looked at me and smiled the most amazing smile in the world, just the hint of white teeth flashing from behind his lips. He stopped stroking me, and his smile disappeared as he opened his mouth. No, he wasn't going to... My mind went blank and the universe disappeared. All I could see was bright light as I screwed my eyes shut and clenched my teeth. I finally realised what made me feel so good- there was an incredible warmth around my dick, a moistness that seemed like heaven objectified. I gasped and snapped my eyes open, looking down, as I felt something rub over my exposed helmet. I seemed to have tunnel vision- all I could see was Dan's luminescent face, his lips wrapped tightly around my shaft, his eyes fixed on mine. He began to slide his mouth up and down, licking my shaft, around my helmet, across my glans and flicking my piss slit. I could feel him sucking hard. One of his hands was stroking my thigh, gently and trembling. The other was cradling and fondling my scrotum. I stroked his cheek again, running my other hand through his lustrous brown hair. "Oh, God, Dan, that's incredible," I said. He dived down to the base of my cock, sucking hard and flicked his tongue out through his lips to flick my scrotum, before beginning to go up and down, his head bobbing and his tongue moving around my penis faster than I could keep track of. I felt myself rising towards ecstasy, and tried to stave it off. To no avail- I felt the pressure build to the point of no return. "Dan, I'm gonna cum any second..." I said. He dived down once again before pulling back to leave only my glans in his mouth. He pistoned his head rapidly up and down, flicking my helmet with his tongue, wanking the exposed shaft as fast as he could. I came almost instantly, and felt my timid load spit onto his lapping tongue. I'm sure it wasn't much, but he took all that I could offer. He let my softening prick slip from his lips, sucking to catch the last traces of my semen. He tilted his head, as if thinking, then swallowed. "Not bad, that stuff," he said, grinning broadly at me. I pulled him up to me, and kissed him. It was almost like I was trying to climb down his throat. I wanted to be part of him at that moment. That had been the most amazing moment of my life, and I wanted to make it linger as long as was possible. I felt him withdraw slightly, and I broke the kiss. "My favourite dick ever," he said. "Perfect sucking size. You're not too small, you're not ugly, you haven't got a small dick- Alex you're gorgeous, understand?" I nodded. "Say it!" "I'm not too small, I'm not..." I began. "This is silly- I don't believe it." "You should- say it. For me. Please." I sighed. "I'm not too small, I'm not ugly, I haven't got a small dick- I'm gorgeous. Not as big, gorgeous and well-endowed as you, though." "That's nice, but I'm gonna make you say that every day till you believe it. Because it's true. And you'll do it properly, not add that bit at the end," he said, smiling kindly. He caressed my cheek. I rubbed his crotch, finding him hard as a rock. I unzipped his flies and slid my hands into his underwear, beginning to pull it out and slide down. He gently stopped me, sliding me back up the couch, and did up his trousers. "No, we haven't got time. Mum and Dad could be back any second," he said. "But that's not fair- you did me, I do you," I said. "No, it mustn't work like that," he said, shaking his head. "You'll feel like I only did it so you'd do me- this isn't quid quo pro or whatever that phrase is. I did that cos I really like you and I wanted to do that- and cos your cock made my mouth water. Not because I wanted anything back." "Quid pro quo, I think," I gently corrected him. "What if I want to do you too?" "Then we'd better find some time soon to be alone together- no parents, no little brothers or sisters, just us. Do you want to stay the night? It's late, I'm sure my folks wouldn't mind," he said. "Would you be with me?" I asked. "They'd probably put you in my sister's room. I'd be in with Peter and Sam," he said. "Thanks then, but I should go- my aunt probably won't notice I'm gone, but on the off chance she does and cares, I should go back," I said regretfully. That wasn't the whole story, of course- basically I didn't think I could sleep knowing he was so near but just out of reach. "She's not there a lot?" he asked, looking concerned. "Can we talk about that another time? It's a bit involved," I said. He nodded, perhaps sensing how little I wanted to discuss it. We got back into some semblance of dress. Dan fetched my shoes, socks and tie from his room, tiptoeing so he wouldn't wake his brothers. We kissed briefly before finally I forced myself to go. When I got home, Aunt Jill was actually in. "Where have you been, I've been worried sick?" she said. That would be a first. Out loud, I said: "At a friends. Homework. He lives round the corner." "That's nice, dear. You've made some friends then, have you?" she asked. "Yeah, Aunt Jill, I told you about them when I started hanging around with them- weeks ago, remember?" I said, exasperated. "Oh, yes of course dear, silly me. Now it's late, why don't you run off to bed?" I lay on my bed, smoking a pilfered cigarette. Aunt Jill's bag had been open on the table next to the stairs, with two packets of the illicit objects lying on the top. It was just too easy to steal them- not that she cared enough to stop me. She even emptied my ashtrays, the dozy mare. That wasn't what I thought of though. I stared at the ceiling, smoking and grinning like a simpleton. All I could see was Dan's face, and all I could feel was his lips against mine, his hands running over my body, his hot mouth wrapped around my penis, all I could hear was his kind words. I fell asleep still fully clothed, Dan's voice echoing through my brain- "Alex, you're gorgeous" Chapter 9- David "I've felt darkness closing in on me, chilling shadows surrounding me. I've had the poison leak into my skin and it corroded my heart away. Bled away, cut away. Dark night of my soul." -BCB I awoke to the sound of soft breathing in my ear. I turned my head to see Ben's beautiful face, serene in slumber, right next to my head. He had fallen asleep almost immediately after I swallowed his cum the night before, and I had simply held is totally relaxed body gently as I drifted off myself. In the night, I must have rolled onto my back, waking him, as he had moved to drape an arm across my chest and rest his knee on my thigh. This left his face only millimetres from mine. Not as close as I'd like, but being just this close to him made my heart glow. I smiled, and softly kissed his forehead, not wanting to wake him yet. Something flickered in the corner of my eye- something was flashing past the window. I gently disengaged from Ben and peered out through the window. It was snowing. Now, for those of you who don't know, the south of England is possibly the worst place in the world at coping with weather variation. A gust of wind at the wrong time of year can cripple the trains due to 'leaves on the line'. An inch of snow can shut down the entire region. Looking outside, it looked like at least two had fallen overnight. I cursed under my breath- it rarely snowed when I had lived in London, and even then almost never settled. I hated snow- I've never seen the fun in it. It's cold, wet, and worst of all stops you playing rugby. The key question was- would this shut down school? (And yes, we are so bad at coping with snow in this country that two inches of snow can close schools). I heard Ben stir. He moved up behind me and hugged me from behind, pressing his naked body against mine. I could feel his morning wood pressing against my arse crack, and forgot the snow almost instantly. "What are you looking at?" he asked. "It's snowing," I said. "Snowing in bloody February." "Cool!" he exclaimed. "Think they'll cancel school?" "I was wondering the same thing. Maybe," I said. His hands clasped together halfway between my nipples and my navel. I held his hands in one of mine and stroked his arm with the other. "Love you." "Love you too," he said, kissing my shoulder. I felt my own arousal peaking, my cock standing straight up. To ruin the mood, there was a knock at the door. Ben nearly flew back to his own bed, and I threw his boxers across the room at him. "Boys, you awake?" Stephanie called through the door. I grunted an affirmative. "Don't bother getting up- the school rang. They can't open today- too many teachers can't make it. Anna's got to go in though. We're leaving now to make sure we get there and to work on time. Have a good day." We both called "bye". Outside we faintly heard the car stutter in to life, protesting at being made to work in the cold. I looked over at Ben, grinning. He grinned back. He pulled back his bedclothes, showing he hadn't lost his erection. The sight of his perfect, pale body reclining on his side, one leg crooked, his hand on his hip, his crotch pushed out showing me his rampant erection and a saucy smile on his beautiful face drove me wild with desire, and I nearly sprinted across the room. I jumped onto the bed, covering his body with mine, supporting my weight on my knees either side of his thighs so I wouldn't crush him. I dived onto his mouth with my own, pressing my tongue into his mouth and licking around his teeth. He caressed my tongue with his own before exploring my mouth. I ran my hands over his chest and flanks, flicking a nipple whenever I came in contact with one. His hands roamed over my back, sometimes stopping to grip me tightly, even digging his nails into my back slightly. The hint of pain felt so erotic, and I moaned every time he did so. I wanted him so much. I began to kiss down his neck, licking and sucking his chest paying special attention to his pert nipples. He moaned and stiffened under me. I continued down his flat, beautiful belly, running my tongue around the beginnings of muscle definition that had started to come through. I kissed down his pale pubis, stroking his solitary pubic hair with my fingertips. I skirted around his genitals, licking his groin crease, getting as close as I could to his balls without actually touching them. He sighed and pawed at my head, obviously wanting me to get to the main event. I resisted, and kissed, nibbled and licked up and down the soft, silky skin of his pale inner thighs, delighting as he wrapped his shins around my body to try and draw me up to the centre of his pleasure. Finally I gave in, and I began licking and caressing his scrotum. I sucked each wonderful orb into my mouth individually to give them a thorough tongue bath before taking his whole sac and both balls into my mouth and rolling them around with my tongue. I let them fall from my mouth, and began working my mouth down, nuzzling and licking his perineum, tonguing the bottom of his crack. He knew what I wanted to do, and wanted it too. He lifted his knees to his chest, his buttocks parting, and allowing me to dive tongue first into his arse hole. I licked and probed his rosebud before slipping my whole tongue in, flicking his prostate, before sliding my tongue in and out as fast as I could, thoroughly tongue fucking him. His moans were becoming more insistent, and I returned to his cock with my mouth, taking the whole, circumcised beauty into my mouth and licking around his helmet. I slid my middle finger into his hole and began stroking his magic button, making him writhe and groan in ecstasy. After a few minutes he grabbed my face and pulled me off his cock. "Put it in me," he said. "I wanna cum with you inside me." I nodded. His pucker was open from my oral ministrations, and slick with my spit. I used some of the precum my dick was leaking to lubricate my shaft, and lined my glans up with his opening. I slowly rocked my hips forward, sliding easily into his hot, gripping tunnel. This no longer caused him any pain, and he cried out in pleasure as I started sliding up him, my dickhead pressing his prostate. Soon I was all the way inside him, and I began sliding my cock back and forth quickly, needing release. I could tell Ben wasn't far away, and pleasuring his body always had me right on the edge. I wanted this to last as long as it could though- we usually only had time for this once a week, and the opportunity to do it twice was worth savouring. I slowed down, using gentle, loving thrusts that took me right up to the hilt before sliding back leaving only my glans still gripped by his love tunnel. Every time I thrust forward, I would press Ben's magic button hard, and he would groan loudly. One time I did this, his hands, which had been stroking my chest, slid up to my shoulders, gripping tight. He pulled himself up and hugged me tight to him, wanting to be as close to me as he could. I felt myself reaching the point of no return, and speeded up my thrusts again, fucking him hard, pounding my pelvis against his arse, my balls slapping his tail bone. I could feel his hot tunnel sliding across my prick, and it was simply ecstatic. I masturbated him fast and hard, and he threw his head back and moaned his loudest. I felt his load spray onto my hand and stomach, but wasn't really aware of it as his hot, velvety arse began gripping my throbbing cock like a vice. I thrust twice more and roared with pleasure as I coated the walls of his rectum in my cum. I collapsed to the bed on top of him, exhausted and totally satisfied. I quickly found his mouth and began invading it with my tongue. He lay limply at first, too overcome to move, but rapidly began returning the kiss. Our passion dissipated quickly, and our kiss became gentle, tender- loving. "That was the best yet," he said. "Even when you went really hard it barely hurt at all, and it felt so good. I love you David." "I love you too, wonderful Ben," I said. "That was so good- you're the best lover I could ever imagine. You've got such a great body, and you're such a great boy too. What did I do to deserve you?" "You've had it rough- the world owes you one!" he said, winking at me. I smiled. We lay together, cuddled together, occasionally kissing and talking softly. Sometime we whispered cheesy sweet nothings into each other's ear, which I will spare you. Otherwise we talked about what to do with our day off. While I was all for just laying in bed with Ben, my stomach was disagreeing. There was also a nagging curiosity- what happened at Daniel's house last night? Had Alex finally, after weeks of doe-eyed stares and drooling, plucked up the courage to properly talk to the object of his affection? I had to know. Ben was also getting a bit bored, and we realised the room was a little cold. We got up, exercised and showered. The shower was long and leisurely, and we kissed and washed each other. Naturally, when I bent down to wash Ben's legs, I found his magnificent erection in my face, and it would have been rude not to clean that properly. With my mouth. No sooner had I sucked it in than he gripped my head and began fucking my face harder than he ever had. He had never been so spontaneously aggressive during sex, and it made me hornier than ever. I didn't mind that it made me gag a little, or that it made me feel a little dirty- it added spice to the act, and I loved it. His delicious cream landed in my mouth and I savoured it long and hard before finally swallowing. Naturally, he returned the favour, but I was gentle with him. When he realised I wasn't going to fuck his face off, he grabbed my hips and drove his head back and forward as fast as he could, so the feelings around my dick were just as strong, and bare minutes passed before I fed him my semen. He swallowed, smacking his lips and sighing a satisfied sigh. I had taken Ben to the barbers when I got back from Steve's, and, after much discussion between Ben and the barber, we had decided to make his hair short at the back and sides and leave it longer on top and spike it up. Ben looked immediately more rebellious- more the adolescent, less the boy. He was delighted, and it made me dizzy every time I looked at him. It was the missing piece of his image. Stephanie sighed when she saw it, saying at least it wasn't bright red or shaved, and she supposed it was inevitable. John jokingly grunted about "in his day" and "sensible haircuts- like David's" before smiling and winking at Ben and saying he liked it. Ben still needed a little help with getting it right first thing in the mornings, but liked it a great deal. He had given me a big kiss every time he styled it in the morning, thanking me again. This time was no exception. Ben booted up his computer, off to butcher Nazis in 'Call of Duty' I supposed. I switched my phone on and, going outside for a sneaky smoke, called Alex. "Hi mate, what's up?" he said when he answered. "Not much. Good not to have school isn't it?" I said. "I guess," he said, not sounding convinced. "You doing anything today?" I asked. "No, why?" he said. Alex was pretty monosyllabic on the phone- he just didn't seem able to work out how to talk on one. "Wondered if you wanna come round. Don't want you getting lonely," I said. "Thanks David, that'd be nice. I just need to make a quick phone call first. I'll send you a text if I'm coming, or I'll phone you if I can't, OK?" he said, and promptly hung up. Strange boy, sometimes. I told Ben he might be coming. I had checked it was OK with Ben first before asking this time- he had been fine with it. While I think we both considered just spending the whole day shagging, we realised there were other things in life. Nothing as special of course, but other things that were good too. My phone beeped at me. Alex was indeed coming around- in about half an hour. I wondered who he had called- certainly not his aunt, who wouldn't care where he was. Daniel maybe? I hoped so, for Alex's sake. I would find out when he arrived, I supposed. I made Ben and me some bacon and eggs for breakfast- am I the only one who finds awesome sex gives them an appetite? Anyway, just as we finished eating and clearing up, the doorbell rang. It was Alex. "Hi mate, come in, it looks bloody freezing out," I said and ushered my friend inside. He was wearing jeans and a shirt with only a thin jacket over the top. I was surprised he was still alive. "Not that bad," he said. There was a funny expression on his face- something I'd not seen before. I could be wrong, but I think it may have been contentment. Alex usually let positive emotions shine from his face even when he didn't feel them- kind of a self-defence, trying to convince himself he was happy even when he wasn't. Around me, he let his emotions play more true, but this one was new. Ah, I think I just figured it out. I'm like Bumble- I take my sweet time, but I get there in the end. "Hi Alex," said Ben, passing us in the hall on the way back to kill computer generated Germans. "Hi Ben," said Alex, smiling stupidly at him. Oh, I had to be right- that expression could only mean one thing. When Ben was back in our room and I could hear the roar of gunfire from his speakers, I grinned and said: "You got some last night didn't you?" Alex blushed furiously, frowning and avoiding my eyes. "No!" he said, too quickly and too forcefully. "Methinks the gentleman doth protest too much," I quipped. "Come on mate, let's go for a smoke and you can tell me all about it." I grabbed his elbow and pretty much dragged him into the garden. "So what happened yesterday?" Alex couldn't keep the broadest grin I had seen in my life from his face, pretty much giving me my answer. "Not much," he said. "I met his parents and his brothers, we messed about online, played Playstation for a bit. Usual stuff." "And?" I said. I was exuding calmness and feigning only moderate interest, knowing the keener I was to hear, the slower he would tell me. "Well," he said. He paused and took a pull on his fag. He exhaled a mixture of smoke and mist in the cold air. "Do you know Nifty?" "Yeah, it's a website of... what's the phrase," I said, racking my brain. "I think they call it 'erotic literature'- stories with sex in them. Lots of it gay sex." "That's the one. Well, I went into his internet history..." he began. "You went into his history?" I interrupted, open-mouthed. "Alex, that's a big no-no- what the fuck were you thinking, mate?" "I was looking up this website we'd just been on- I wasn't nosing. Well, not at first. I saw Nifty in his history, and just wanted to see which section he read. Just to know if he was gay." "Alex, seriously, don't ever do that to anyone in future- anyone less nice than Daniel would have kicked your arse out the door. It's up there with reading someone's diary," I said. Alex nodded contritely, and looked genuinely guilty. I suddenly felt sorry for having a go at him. "Well- was he?" Alex's grin returned to his face, more dazzling than the weak sunlight hitting the snow around us. "Yeah," he said. "Anyhow, he chose that particular second to come back into the room. He wasn't happy." "No shit Sherlock!" "Do you wanna hear this or not? Then shut the fuck up!" he said, grinning to let me know he wasn't actually angry at me. "So he thinks I'll want to go. So I remind him I'm well and truly out of the closet, and he needn't worry. So he says something like 'you didn't see it', so I ask what. He then shows me this story he got posted on the website. It was basically about this boy who's Dan in some alternate reality or something, fancies this small, geeky boy he knows is gay, and is really confused about what he feels about him. He slowly realises he might be gay- partially thanks to the internet, naturally- and tries to kiss this boy he fancies, only for him to reject him and go off with this rugger bugger they're both friends with. This basically told me Dan's realised he's gay, fancied me but thought you and me were an item or something. So I put him straight on that- the poor dear was nearly in tears- tears over me!- and kissed him. I wasn't thinking properly, but it worked. He kissed me back. We were about to have this whole 'deep-and-meaningful', only his little brothers called him. So we played with them for a bit, then had a proper talk when they went to bed." "And?" I asked, as Alex paused for breath and nicotine. "And... well, he's not sure what it all means- he's not sure if he's gay, but he likes me- he actually likes me, David! Anyway, we..." Alex blushed dark crimson. "Well, we made out and stuff. I made a total twat of myself at one point, but Dan calmed me down. We're gonna try and see each other alone at some point and work stuff out- see where we're going. David, no one knows any of this stuff- please don't tell anyone. Not even Ben. Dan's a bit confused and I don't think a big outing would be really bad for him. He's... well, he's still a bit fucked up at the moment to be honest. He's... oh God, I can't believe I'm saying this- he's trying to 'find himself', if that makes sense and doesn't sound like a terrible line from 'Neighbours' or some other crappy soap." "No, it doesn't- well maybe just a bit. What do you mean," I said. "And since when was he 'Dan', not 'Daniel'?" "Last night. He said no one's ever been close enough to him- except his family, who don't count really- to shorten it," he said. "Don't use it till I do at school, OK? Anyway, basically he's got massive expectations about being all grown up from his parents, but he wants to be like everyone else- arse about, do stupid things, have fun. He just doesn't know what those things are, he feels so isolated. He wants to work out if he's gay or just likes me, and he wants to stop being what people expect him to be. Make sense?" "Yeah, I guess it does. I never realised all that stuff," I said. We paused in thought for a second. Or, at least, I thought, Alex looked into space and grinned at something private. "Wait a sec- he actually wrote a story about you? Dude, he must really like you! That's more than just a crush- he really likes you a lot!" "Yeah, I think he was trying to tell me that last night," he said. "Not sure I got it at the time, but I'll make it up to him. Anyway, we'll sort ourselves out. So how are you? How are 'youandBen'?" I grinned, probably as brainlessly as he had earlier. "We're awesome! I never knew it could be like this, mate," I said. An eyebrow shot up from behind the frame of his glasses. "What do you mean, 'it'?" I felt my cheeks grow warm despite the cold. "Y'know, being with someone. All the time. Spending time with them, feeling so close to them. I went with him for to the barbers the other day- he wanted a new style. It felt so good to do that for him. He's still thanking me. He makes me feel... I dunno, really. I can't describe it. But it's good. And the other stuff... it always looked and sounded really good, but man, it's so much better than I imagined." "Have you gone, like, all the way?" he asked. I was tempted to tell him to fuck off and mind his own business, but somehow I wanted him to know. "Just between you and me? Just us, you can't tell anyone, right?" I asked. He nodded. "He took my virginity, then I took his." His jaw dropped. "Really? Like, full sex... in the bum?" I nodded. "And, like, did it hurt?" "A bit at first- I'd been using stuff on me for ages, so I was a bit loosened, and I'd been..." I swallowed, plucking up my courage. I wanted to talk to him about this, but it was a bit personal still. "I'd rimmed him and fingered him for a while before we did it. But yeah, it hurt a bit at first. I guess it hurt Ben more, but I was gentle at first, and then we both really got into it and OH...MY...GOD it was good!" "Wow," he said. "What was rimming him like? Did it, like, taste nasty?" "No, he was clean, and I knew it. He tasted so good! My tongue began to ache after a while, but I loved doing it. Ben went apeshit, he loved it! It... it feels like you're saying 'I love you', we both think," I said. "Wow," he repeated. "Can I tell you something? Just us two, like just now." I nodded. "Dan... he sucked me last night." "Shit, that was fast!" I said. "Was it good?" His face nearly cracked with enthusiasm, and he nodded so hard I thought he'd get whiplash. "Oh yeah!" "Did you do him?" I asked. "No, he wouldn't let me," he said. "What? He didn't want someone giving him a blowjob? Is he, like, OK? Down there and in the head?" Alex laughed. "Oh yeah, he's fine! Trust me! No, it's me that's messed up." "What d'you mean?" Alex sighed. "Repeat this and I'll kill you. Slowly." He took a deep breath. "I... I thought I wasn't good enough for him... that I'm too ugly and..." He swallowed. When he spoke again, he almost whispered. "I thought my dick was too small." "Oh, Alex, don't beat yourself up- you're not ugly! And I'm sure 'it' is fine!" "Yeah, that's what he said. That was how I made fool of myself. I stopped when we started... getting heavier. I cried a bit. Then he persuaded me he didn't think about me like I do, he thinks I'm good-looking and stuff, and sucked me to prove it. He wouldn't let me do him, as he thought that would make me think he only did it to get me to do him. If that makes sense." I felt a lump in my throat. "Oh, Alex, that's so sweet. Treat him right- this guy's special, and he must really like you." "I plan to. Anyway, how's you? Other stuff, I mean," he said. "Oh, that stuff. I'm OK. It still hurts everyday, I still miss my parents every minute of the day- except when Ben's holding me. Then I still think of them, but it's not quite so bad. I'm coping. I'm not nearly as unstable as I was. I still cry about it sometimes. Tell anyone that and you'll die too- slower than you'd kill me." He smiled and nodded. "How about you?" I said. "How's home?" "Gash," he said. "Wank. Terrible, useless, bloody awful. Not bad for my standards." He said it so cheerfully, I had to check he wasn't joking. No, he was serious. I hugged him quickly. "Any time you want company, call me, you're welcome here as long as I am. And Ben likes you too." Alex nodded, blinking away tears. "Who were you phoning before you came?" "Oh, I wanted to see if Dan was free. He's got to stay at home till his parents get back from work, but he's coming over to mine later- where we can be alone," he said, a filthy glint in his eye. I laughed. We suddenly realised how cold it was, and went back inside. Ben was just walking into the room as we came in. "Are you OK? You've been out there ages? What were you doing?" he said, a look of concern on his face. "Oh, not much- smoking and talking," said Alex. Oh Christ, why did I let him talk? That had done it. "You were smoking?" he said. He looked at me. "You smoke?" Alex looked at me too, a look of incredulity on his face. "Yeah," I said, shrugging, like it was no big deal. "And you never told me?" Ben said. He looked royally pissed off. "You never told him? You've been living here all this time and he didn't know?" said Alex. Did he only open his mouth to change feet, for crying out loud? "Thanks Alex, that's really helpful," I said. To Ben, I said: "I guess I just never got around to it." "Really? Or did you just think I was too much of a little kid to know? Or did you think I'd want to try it, and you don't want me to, that I'm not grown up enough to make my own mind up? Now I know why you keep disappearing with Dad after dinner and all those other times," he said. He looked really upset. "No, that's not it at all! Ben, please listen to me," I said. "No! That's exactly how it is! You don't mind treating me all grown up when you want to screw me, but as soon as it comes to anything else, I'm just an annoying brat- wasn't that what you said you thought I'd be when you came?" he shouted. There were tears in his eyes. "You were just trying to get your leg over till you could get someone your own age- someone like Alex. You bastard, I wish you'd never come here! I hate you!" he screamed, and ran upstairs with tears streaming down his face. "Ben, wait. Ben!" I shouted. I heard our bedroom door slam shut. "Shit mate, I'm sorry, I've really screwed things up," said Alex. "Want me to try and talk to him- persuade him we're just friends?" "Thanks, you've done enough damage for now," I snapped, regretting it before I'd even finished saying it. "I'm sorry mate, that wasn't fair. This was a fuck up waiting to happen. It's not your fault. I'd better talk to him myself. Look mate, can I be really rude and, like, politely throw you out? I think we need some 'us' time. Good luck with Dan later- you deserve it." "Sure, no problem- and thanks. You're a real friend. I hope you sort things out," he said, and quietly left. I hoped I did too. I have to admit I was more than a little pissed off- not at Alex, but at Ben. Yes, I had kept something from him and that had hurt him and his perceptive nature had drawn some accurate conclusions from my secrecy, but he had also drawn some wildly inaccurate conclusions that had bugger all to do with the way I'd behaved and more to do with his insecurities. A fairly small thing had become something major. I suppose half the problem was the age gap- I was bigger and more mature physically, which, combined with his own insecurities about himself that all adolescents feel, made him wonder what I saw in him. He was also insecure over my friendship with the openly gay Alex, who he saw as some kind of threat. I could understand all that, and I felt guilty both for keeping secrets and making him feel that way, but I was still annoyed that he had overreacted so badly. I couldn't think that way though- the only way to fix this was reassurance, honesty and abject contrition. Ben had locked the door, and I saw he'd torn the sign off the door- the sign that had made me so happy when I first arrived, the one that said 'David and Ben's room- Keep Out'. I knocked right where it had been stuck. "Ben? Can I come in?" I said through the door. "FUCK OFF!" came back. "Please Ben, I need to explain. Please Ben- let me in. I love you." "No you don't! I hate you!" he screamed, obviously through tears. "Ben, let me in! I do love you, and I want to make things right. Let me in." "No!" came back. "Ben, I'm not gonna let this ruin what we've got! Let me in or I'll break the door in. You know I can!" I said. "Go ahead and try!" he shouted. "If you say so," I said. I knew where the lock was, and I had seen enough cop shows on TV to know how to kick a door in. I kicked hard right next to the lock, and heard a crack. "Wait, I'll unlock it," said Ben, realising I wasn't joking. He opened the door, and I saw him there, his previously perfectly sculpted hair crooked, his eyes red and puffy and tears staining his cheeks. My annoyance evaporated- how could I have done this to him? "Ben, I'm so sorry," I said, moving to hug him. He shied away, obviously not wanting to be touched. I held my hands up, acknowledging, and backed off. "I should have told you when I first moved in. At first I didn't know you, and thought you might tell your mum. Then when I knew you better, I didn't tell you for three reasons. First, I didn't know how to break it to you when I hadn't told you at first. I was worried you might take it the wrong way. I shouldn't have let it go on this long, and I'm sorry- I've made it worse by leaving it. I'm so sorry. Second, I thought you might think less of me for it- I couldn't bear the thought of you thinking badly of me. I won't apologise for feeling that way- I love you and what you think matters more to me than anything- but I should have trusted you- for that I am sorry. Third, in a way you were right- I don't want you smoking. Not because I think you're a little kid, not because I don't want you making your own decisions- have I ever tried making decisions for you? About anything? Didn't I try and stop things only for you to say 'I want to, it's my choice'?" He thought for a second, and nodded, looking at the ground, still crying. "I didn't want you smoking because it's bad for you, and I can't bear the thought of anything happening to you, and because your dad said if he caught you he'd tan your arse- his exact words- and blame me. I won't apologise for that reason because I stand by it- I care for you too much not to. But I am so, so sorry for the whole thing. I have never, ever tried to... to get you into bed, to screw, to use you or anything like that, and I certainly didn't just try and 'get my leg over' as some perverse stop-gap till I could find someone older. I love you Ben- I want you, just you. I wouldn't have given my virginity to anyone else. I've only got one to give." "Yeah, if you were telling the truth. You've probably been fucking around for ages and just wanted some way to convince me to do what you wanted," he spat at me through the tears. The bite of his words hurt more than anything since the accident. I felt tears spring to my eyes, and begin to roll down my cheeks. "How can you say that? That hurts Ben, that really hurts!" The tears were rolling openly down my cheeks and I felt my breath come in shudders. It became difficult to talk. "I told you I'd fooled around with a guy for a bit years ago, but that was nothing- that was just a bit of wanking. He sucked me off once and I did him three times. I never felt anything for him. I told you all that. I've never done anything like what we have. I really love you Ben. I'd do anything for you." "Would you leave?" he said. I was shocked I didn't really know what to say. "You want me to go?" "It's not to late- you're still here as a trial period. You could leave." "You... you don't want me here anymore? I thought you loved me?" I said. I felt as bad now as I had when I left my old home- like I was about to lose everything again. "If you love me, you'd go if I asked. I want you to go. You've hurt me more than I've ever been hurt before," he said, not looking at me. I felt numb. I didn't know what to say. I pulled my suitcase off the top of my wardrobe and, opening it on the bed, began to pull my clothes out of the wardrobe and put them in the case. I was sobbing hard now. "Wait," Ben said. I couldn't look at him, his rejection hurting me too much. "You'd really go for me? You'd give up your last chance at a real home? For me?" "I'd do anything for you," I said, and meant it. "There's nothing you could ask me that I wouldn't do. Walk through fire, donate organs- anything. I'd die for you, Ben. Even if it means being apart from you, if you want me to go, I will." "What about Alex?" he said. "He's a friend. I don't fancy him at all- ask him, he'll tell you. He's got someone else. Ask him." I pulled my phone out of my pocket and scrolled through the contact list to his number. "There's his number. Phone him and ask him." Ben sniffed, and the tears stopped. "I believe you. You wouldn't have done that with the suitcase if you were lying. You really love me?" "Heart, soul, body and mind. I've never felt anything like what I feel for you, and I can't imagine feeling this way about anyone else- ever." "OK. Stay. I don't want you to go. But I need to think though, David. About some stuff." "Whatever you need," I said. "However long it takes. I'll be waiting. I'll not make anymore stupid screw ups, I'll tell you everything, anything you want to know, ask me- I'll never lie to you, I promise. I love you, Ben." I desperately needed to hear he felt the same. "OK. I need to be alone for a bit. Can you do that?" he said. "Sure," I said, and turned to leave the room. I was crushed that he hadn't said the words I was desperate to hear, but I had hurt him badly, so maybe I deserved that. When I was just about to close the door behind me as I left, he spoke. "David?" he said, almost whispering. "Yes, Ben?" I said. "I do love you, you know." My heart leapt. That was all I ever needed to hear. "I know- and I love you too. I'll be downstairs, if you want me," I said, and shut the door. I passed the rest of the day in solitude. There was, as usual, shit all on TV, and I had left all my books and CDs up in the room, and didn't want to intrude on Ben's thinking. I went into John's study, a small room he used both to work and as a small hideaway when he needed space. I knew he kept a small library in there, along with his music and a small stereo. I picked out an interesting-looking thriller, and put on some music of his that I knew. I really wanted some real angsty music, but John's taste ran more to Dire Straits than Disturbed. Instead I went for mournful classical music. I started with good old Elgar- misery likes nothing more than company, and few pieces are as miserable as his cello concerto. From there, while reading, I went through the first half of Puccini's Madama Butterfly and Mozart's Requiem. Oh, I was wallowing, alright. As I began to get into the book, my mood improved slightly, and I felt the sad music was only keeping me down, so I went onto Rimsky-Korsakov's incredible Scheherezade and, finally, to lead up to when I thought Stephanie would get home with Anna, Beethoven's 9th sympony. They got back just as the 'Ode to Joy' came to an end. I stopped reading, shut off the music and went out to meet the girls. "Hi," I said. Stephanie was unwrapping Anna from the fourteen or so layers of clothing she had sheathed her in against the cold. Apparently she thought we lived somewhere north of Greenland. "Oh, hi David," she said. "How was school Anna?" I said. "Good," she piped. "We got to make a snowman at playtime, and we made angels in the snow- I had to wrap a plastic bag over my cast so it wouldn't get wet though." "Oh, that sounds fun- is that where you lie down and wave your arms?" I said. "Yeah, it was loads of fun," she said. "Then we had a big snowball fight. We drew pictures this afternoon. Do you want to see mine?" "Oh, yes please Anna, I'd really like to," I said. At least one person in the house still wanted to talk to me. She managed to wriggle out of her last layer of outdoor clothes, and fished into her little book bag. She handed a piece of paper to me. I crouched down so she we were at the same height. The picture showed a house with snow on it, a snowman and five people. "Is this our house?" I asked. She nodded. "And is this the snowman you built at school?" She nodded again. "It's very good Anna, very nice. Who are each of these people?" I asked, indicating the figures next to the snowman. "That one's me," she said, pointing at the smallest one, "that's Ben," indicating the next biggest one, "that's Mummy, that's Daddy, and that's you." She had drawn me as the tallest- which was good observation for seven year-old- and right in the middle of the group. I suspected she had simply drawn us in age order, but the sight of me dead centre made me feel like I belonged, and given how close I thought I had been to going a few hours before, that felt good. I put an arm around her. "What's that I'm wearing?" I asked. Everyone else in the picture wore blue, I wore red. "Your rugby top," she said, sucking a finger. "That's really clever, Anna, I love it," I said. "It's for you," she said. "Oh, thank you Anna- are you sure? It's so nice I thought you'd want to keep it." "No, I want you to have it." I hugged her and found tears in my eyes. I blinked them back- she was too young to understand it was because of how happy she had just made me. "Thank you so much. I'll put it up next to my bed. Can you help me later?" I asked. She nodded. Stephanie went to put dinner on. Anna needed to read some of her school book, and asked me to help her. She didn't really need the help, she was a good little bookworm, but someone had to check she had read it- the seven year-old's version of homework. I did so gladly. This had become a routine, and I had come to enjoy our little reads together. She sat on my lap at the kitchen table and read near-perfectly, only needing my help on a couple of the longer words, while we waited for dinner. I had begun to think of this house as home, as John and Stephanie as real family- although certainly not parents, my real mother and father being too strong in my mind for that, but more than just two adults who were responsible for me- and Anna almost felt like a little sister. Not quite, but we had become pretty close. "Dinner's nearly ready. John'll be back any minute. Can you go and get Ben and set the table?" said Stephanie when Anna had finished her reading. I nodded and went upstairs. "Ben, dinner's nearly ready, your mum asked if you can come help set the table," I said, knocking on our door. The sign was still missing. He came out, not speaking. His eyes were dry and I couldn't tell he had been crying earlier, but he looked sombre rather than just his usual serious self. As we began laying the table, John came in, said hello to us all and went upstairs to change out of his work clothes. When he came back down, dinner was served (bangers and mash, with real Cumberland sausages- proper, hearty, English winter food). There was a tension around the table. John, Stephanie and Anna spoke, and Ben and I did when directly addressed, but it was clear something was out of kilter. Normally the two of us were thick as thieves, and the stony silence between us and the absence of eye contact was a none-too-subtle clue something was badly wrong. Finally, Stephanie spoke. "Have you two had a row or something? What's wrong?" "Nothing." we both said at the same time. "Oh?" said John. "Then why has the sign been torn off your door, boys?" Bugger. We were caught. "It's nothing- I did something silly, I upset Ben- we both got a bit upset- and we sorted it out. It's fine, sorted," I said. I hoped Ben would keep his mouth shut- he was still a truly appalling liar "No, it was partially my fault too. I overreacted and said some nasty things- I'm sorry David, I shouldn't have. It's over, we're fine," Ben said. I couldn't tell whether he meant it or not. Given how bad he was at faking, I was inclined to believe him. Part of my mind leapt for joy, convinced my love had forgiven me. Another part, the one which remembered the bad things that had happened to me since New Year's Eve eve, was sceptical, and reserved judgement. "You sure?" John said. We both nodded. "Then perhaps we can put that sign back up?" I looked at Ben, and our eyes met for the first time since Alex had opened his mouth only to shove his foot inside. His eyes looked so sad still, and I felt my heart melt, nearly bursting into tears. I had really hurt him, and he was still hurting now, but was offering me an olive branch- a chance to fix things. "I'd like that, if you're happy to," I said. Ben didn't speak, and he dropped his eyes, but he nodded. "Good," said John. We finished dinner. Ben and I weren't speaking, and the atmosphere was still off, and but the edge had been taken out of it. When everything was cleared away and Anna was taken upstairs for a bath, John said: "I'm popping outside. David, want to join me? One last look at the snow?" I felt Ben's eyes bore into me. "No, thanks, I've seen enough for today," I said, deciding that to accept would provoke the situation again. "You sure? You should get one last look, just in case it's gone by tomorrow," said Ben. Was he telling me it was OK? I couldn't tell. "You think? I mean, it's no big deal if I don't," I said, looking at him in such a way that I hoped he realised what I really meant. "Yeah, but you should go anyway," he said. He whispered to me under his breath: "Go. It's OK, I don't mind. We can talk later. You'll be cranky if you don't, won't you?" I nodded, and followed John outside to smoke. He grilled me over our bust-up, but I played it down and didn't fill in the blanks he obviously hoped for. When we went back in, Anna came bounding downstairs in her pyjamas to see if we could put up her picture. I helped her blu-tack it to my wall then kissed her goodnight and went downstairs again. Ben spent the rest of the evening in his room, probably playing 'Call of Duty' still. I suspected he had shot enough computer characters to depopulate Norfolk by now. I watched some crime drama John raved about with him. Eventually I was sent upstairs to go bed and to tell Ben to do the same. The sign was back on the door when I came upstairs, and nothing I had ever seen had made me happier. I went inside. Ben was sitting on his bed, the computer off. I closed the door, locking it. "I unpacked your stuff and hung your clothes back up," Ben said, not looking at me. "Thank you. Can I sit down?" I said, indicating a spot on his bed next to him. He nodded, still not looking at me. "I've missed you today. I'm so sorry, Ben. Can you forgive me? Is there anything I can do to make it right?" He sniffed. I looked at him. Tears were running down his cheeks. His hands were resting on the bed. I tentatively rested one of mine on his nearest hand. When he didn't pull away, I slid my arm around his shoulders, hugging him gently. He burst into sobs, and threw his arms around my torso, crying broken-heartedly into my chest. I rocked him gently, stroking his back softly. "I thought I'd lost you," he sobbed. "I thought you didn't love me, I thought you were going to go and leave me alone, I thought you had just used me, just wanted something to get off, I thought you wanted Alex not me." "No, never, ever," I said. "I love you, I've not even glanced at anyone else since I met you. I'm yours. Please let me fix this." "You don't have to" he said, looking at me, his eyes, so dark and so big from crying, full of love, but confused. "I forgive you. I know it was just a mistake, and I believe you that you love me and you weren't using me. I should have known you'd never do that. You're too kind to other people to do that. I should have remembered what you did when Anna got hurt- how you helped me just because you couldn't take seeing me so upset. I'm sorry David, I said some horrible things. Can you forgive me?" I smiled at him and gently kissed his forehead. "There's nothing to forgive. Now, why don't we have a talk- ask me anything, anything you can ever want to know and I'll answer truthfully. That way there's nothing I've got hidden from you, no skeletons in closets or whatever." "OK, but everytime I ask a question, you ask one too- that way we're equals. Deal?" he asked. "Deal," I said. He was right- we had to be equals. I hadn't treated him that way on one thing and the age gap had suddenly become an issue for the first time. That would be the last time. I would not make a mistake like that again. I cared for him too much. We spent perhaps two hours talking quietly, asking direct, personal questions of each other. We asked about things we had skirted around but never really gone into details over. He asked about my life with my parents, my old school, my old friends, my new friends- I even told him all about Alex and Daniel. I felt a brief twang of guilt about breaking confidence, but I made Ben understand that the conversation must never leave the room- it was just for us, totally private- and buried the guilt. He asked about all the things you do when you're a teenager and rebelling- had I been drunk (once, and I didn't like it), had I tried any drugs (pot, once, and I didn't like that either), who I had done anything sexual with (just that one guy), who I had kissed (no one but Ben), who I had fancied or had crushes on. I answered every question truthfully and fully, leaving no details out. I told him about every boy I could remember finding even vaguely attractive, but emphasised how they all paled next to him. I simply asked Ben the questions he asked me, and he told me about the few boys he realised with hindsight he had fancied, about the one time he got tipsy at his cousin's wedding, how he'd never smoked or tried drugs (good). By the time we both ran out of things to ask and things to say of our own volition, it was seriously late by our standards, and we were exhausted, both due to the hour and the emotion of the day. We decided to go to bed- separate beds for once. Neither of us were horny, I wanted to show our relationship meant more to me than just sex and he needed some space. Just before we turned the lights out, I spoke again. "If you ever think of anything you forgot to ask, just ask it, and I'll answer. Anything which happens in the future, I'll try and tell you straight away, and if you ever have new questions, ask. I'll never keep secrets from you again, Ben- I swear on my parents' graves," I said, and meant it with all my heart. "Sure," he said, smiling his wonderful smile at me. I couldn't believe how much better that simple muscle twitch made me feel. "I love you David." "I love you too, Ben, more than my own life," I said. We turned the lights out. I had thought, given the hour and my feeling of being put through the emotional wringer, that I would drop off as soon as my head hit the pillow. My mind had other ideas. Thoughts ran through my head at breakneck speed. How I had screwed up something small and it had turned into a huge deal, how I had nearly lost everything, how I had been unkind to my best friend- but most of all, how I had hurt my dearest love. I thought how ashamed my parents would be at me for hurting someone else so badly. That combined with the guilt and fear over losing another home pushed me over the edge, and I started crying. It was my first good weep of the week. I curled up in the foetal position and began sobbing, biting my knuckles to try and silence the noise. I couldn't wake Ben- he must be totally shattered, and I didn't deserve his sympathy due to my secrecy and how that made him feel. I tried to blot out the world and think of nothing, to fall asleep as quickly as I could. It didn't work, and I kept sobbing. The bed moved slightly beneath me, and I felt Ben slip in behind me. He hugged me. "It's OK, David, I'm here. I still love you," he whispered in my ear. I rolled over and hugged him properly, and let my feelings rush out in a storm of crying. I sobbed into his shoulder, him stroking my head, soothing me. I felt myself crying myself out, and I looked up at him. "I'm so sorry Ben, I'm sorry for everything- what I did, how it made you feel, and for doing this again. I'm sorry I'm so weak," I said, full of self-loathing. "There's nothing to be sorry for- it's all better now, and I've told you before- I can't see you upset. I... I wanted to be close to you anyway... I want to make things better, and it's easier like this," he said, still stroking my head. "And you're not weak- most people who'd been what you have would be falling apart. You're so strong, and so kind, and I overreacted- I'm sorry for what I said, those horrible things. I can't believe I nearly made you go- and over something that's really so small. I'd be lost without you now. I love you." "I love you too, Ben, and you'll never be without me, as long as you want me," I promised. I cried on for a few minutes, but eventually I burned myself out. I began to drift off to sleep. The last thing I heard before I finally fell under made my heart soar:- "Holl amrantau'r sˆr ddywedant Ar hyd y nos." He was singing my lullaby to me. His pronunciation was horrible, but I didn't care. I knew he loved me, and he knew I loved him, and we could fix my fuck-up. Nothing else mattered. To be continued... The story will continue with Dan spending some time alone with Alex. What will they get up to? Also, Ben and David have made peace, but they haven't quite made up- I wonder how they could do that... That chapter had far less action than usual, so for those of you who like that, I'm sorry. This chapter was always intended to be more about the difficulties of budding teen relationships than sex. The next chapter, however, while still containing the appropriate soppy stuff, will almost certainly be raunchier. I got this chapter done far quicker than I anticipated, but that was sheer blind luck. It's quite possible the next chapter will take me longer, as I have stuff to do and there's some other (non-Nifty-related) stuff I want to write, but keep a weather eye out- I will definitely write at least two more chapters of this story (and possibly more if I get the inspiration), and will post part 5 as soon as I can write it. I would once again like to emphasise what I said at the start- this is fiction. Nifty does not accept submissions from minors, so Dan's story would never be accepted, and I haven't written it either, so don't try and find it because it doesn't exist, and I have no plans to alter that. Feedback, comments and suggestions are always welcome and greatly appreciated, and may shape the future of the story. I can be emailed at xenophon66@hotmail.co.uk Flames cheerfully deleted.