WARNING: This ADULT fiction contains sexual accounts between boys and men with boys AND IS UNSUITABLE FOR MINORS.

AN ANORAK'S ALMONAC

THE OFFICIAL SNOWY WHYTE AND

THE SEVEN ANORAKS' BOOK OF MEANINGLESS FACTS & USELESS TRIVIA!

NOTES TO ACCOMPANY THE FAIRY TALE FOR BOYS

by Graham Day

CONTENTS

1.   Introduction & Inspiration.

2.   The Complete Cast of Snowy Whyte.

3.   The Final Table of Contents.

4.   Sexual Content by Chapter.

5.   What is a Wank? British English for Beginners.

6.   VIP's (Very Important Penises.)

7.   Recommended Reading Matter.

8.   Pubs, English Food and Information for Vistiors

9.   Which Anorak. Anoraks for Anoraks.

10.                    How to Distinguish Anoraks from Geeks and Nerds

11.                    It's all Geek to me - Anorak-speak for Beginners.

*****

Introduction & Inspiration.

Dear Reader,

Thank you for reading Snowy Whyte and the Seven Anoraks. You certainly have fortitude to tackle such a wacky tale when there are much easier stories in this archive that does not try to get you to laugh while your hands are otherwise occupied.

After a long silence, due to the intrusion of the real world which disturbed the important business of story telling, Snowy Whyte will finally be restarting and moving to a conclusion, or to a climax, depending on whether you are a left-handed-reader or not!

Many Snowy fans have written to ask questions such as "why do the chapter heading change", "who the hell are all the characters", and "will it ever come to a frigging end?" Others have called for facts and information and yet another group has sent me items of Snowy-trivia.

Well in true Anorak-style I felt it important to give you the facts - all the facts - the accumulation of arcane, and quite often-useless bits of trivia, all of which has been obsessive-compulsively cross-referenced for the reading pleasure of the anal-retentive.

This isn't, therefore, really part of the ongoing Snowy Whyte -saga, but a response to many reader enquiries. It is really a few answers; some of my working notes; and some admirable additions from Anorak readers.

Basic Story Line

The basic story line of "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs" is generally well known, but if you missed your childhood, it is about a lovely girl whose mother dies and her father, the King, remarries a vain, unpleasant woman.

To begin with, Snow White's evil stepmother, the Queen, believes herself to be "the fairest of them all". At this point, Snow White is but a tiny child. Ten years on the status quo is upset as Snow White has truly blossomed. The Queen makes plans to kill Snow White but her plans are thwarted because Snow White has Winnie, the palace cook on her side as well as Jasper, the huntsman and the Queen only has a mirror with attitude.

The Queen thinks that Jasper has taken Snow White into the woods and killed her. But, as the story goes, Snow White finds herself in a cottage, which belonges to a number of vertically challenged men.

When the Queen consults her mirror again, she finds to her horror that Snow White must still be alive. She then sets off into the woods to kill Snow White herself. She fails on her second attempt but seemingly succeeds on her third try.

Mortified by the loss of Snow White, the dwarfs place her in a glass coffin and put her on a mountaintop and swear to guard her forever.

As fate would have it, a Prince is passing by. He falls in love with Snow White. He kisses the lovely corpse of Snow White, not pausing to think that necrophilia is a crime in those parts, and the Heroine comes back to life as the piece of poison apple becomes dislodged from her throat.

Snow White and the Prince marry and everybody lives happily ever after.

Well the idea for my Snowy Whyte came for a column I happened upon in the London Evening Standard which I was reading while consuming a pint of my favourite poison in a Windsor Pub. It was one of those tongue-in-cheek columns, which the English seem to do so well and the guy wrote, "...I was quietly reading `Snow White and the Seven Anoraks', when..."

Well, I though "...hell I wish I had thought of that! What a great title!" And so this story was born! Of course it had to be updated to suit the tastes of Nifty readers and so the fair Snow White became a young pretty boy named Snowy Whyte. The seven vertically challenged fellows became the modern outcast, the nerd and the geek or, as it is a British story, the Anorak.

The neglectful father, the King, becomes Dr Whyte and the stepmother is Chrysanthemum Whyte, a nasty bit of work. The Reverend Prim is Snowy's friend and saviour; the huntsman is Percy Pratt, a bumbling idiot who has a taste for boys, especially his own sons. The prince is a handsome national health paediatrician -- well I suppose I could have made him Wills or Harry but everyone had done that to death.

Parody

Readers not familiar with the obscure twists and turns of British humour have struggled to come to terms with what I was trying to do in this story.

One kind reader got my intention straight away and wrote: "Snowy is clearly a distant cousin of Brian in Monty Python's Life of Brian." Very flattering! I hope my story come close to the high silliness in Monty Python.

It is easy to see why people were offended by the film Monty Python's Life of Brian in which the Python's focus isn't on Jesus Himself, but Brian of Nazareth, an ordinary bloke who just happened to be born a few blocks away from Jesus. One day people just start following him for no apparent reason. They hailed as the Messiah, even though he insists he is not and he ends up on the cross singing "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life."

In the same way that as Brian is not Jesus, so Snowy Whyte is not Snow White, but he kind of gets caught up in the famous fairy tale anyway.

If I had any doubt about what I was going to do with this story my mind was made up when I came across the following questions in a school teachers guide:

• What do traditional fairy tales teach children about proper gender roles?
• How are cultural outsiders and misfits represented in fairy tales?

Hell, the temptation was too much! What will that pompous, self-righteous, schoolmistress make of this snow white? Snowy Whyte is a parody intended to give offence to overly analytical schoolmistresses. Snowy Whyte trys to poke fun at of some of the more explosive issues of our time (sex, racism, politics, paedophilia, incest, perversion and the British police.)

Snowy Whyte and the Seven Anoraks is also a wank-story story that pokes fun at itself - a parody. I thought to myself -- "what if the Pythons' had given their radical treatment to a Nifty Wank-story? Parody is a genre that is deceptively difficult to do well, but when it's done right, it's very successful. The Mel Brooks' films Young Frankenstein and The Producers are among my favourite examples of this medium.

Camp

Snowy Whyte is also an example of High Camp. High Camp depends on over-the-top behaviour and situations. Camp is something so outrageous, so ridiculous, and in such flamboyant bad taste, that it is funny.

Camp refers to an ironic appreciation of things that might otherwise be considered corny, such as Carmen Miranda's tutti-frutti hats; T.V. shows like Batman; 1950s furniture designs; 1960s fashion on cross-dressers.

If parody is difficult, good Camp is hell to write, because it has to over-the-top without actually pissing-off or grossing-out the reader completely. Believe me, that takes a lot of doing -- I am sure I got that balance wrong -- as a few offended e-mails have confirmed - but with any luck you will find Snowy Whyte as "camp as a row of pink army tents."

The musical-within-a-movie in The Producers, called "Springtime for Hitler" is an example of Camp. The Rocky Horror Picture Show is a brilliant combination of High Camp and parody, and a musical on top of it!

Pastiche

Snowy Whyte is also a pastiche is an architectural, literary, dramatic, or musical piece, which openly imitates previous works of other artists, often with satirical intent. That is you steel ideas or styles from others and mix them up to achieve a comic effect. Perhaps the most well known recent example of pastiche is the Dreamworks' animated feature film Shrek.

Shrek is a fractured fairytale and Jeffrey Katzenberg's fart in the general direction of his former employer, Michael Eisner of Disney Studios. But Shrek is also a highly entertaining pastiche. It is a film patchwork of a road movie; a Looney Tunes cartoon; several South Park fart jokes; an Action Film; a Buddy Film; a romance; an animal film; and conventional fairy tale read while tripping on LSD.

In writing Snowy Whyte I have also happily stolen ideas, characters and situations from fairy tales and other literature -- Dickens, Shakespeare and Lewis Carroll have all suffered in the process.

Into the Woods

Another source of inspiration is the Sondheim/ Lapine musical - Into the Woods, which blends various familiar fairy tales. In this rather sinister "quest fairy-tale musical," the main characters are each seeking something: Jack is seeking a friend; Cinderella wants someone to love her; the Princes are looking for brides; and the Baker and his Wife want a child. Each character has to venture into the threatening, scary and perilous woods to attain happiness. On the way the characters have a riotous capacity for getting enmeshed in someone else's story.

Fortunately Snowy Whyte is not nearly this dark, but my characters do have a heck of away of getting entangled in each other's stories.

What is a pantomime Dame?

Finally a word about that other great source of inspiration - the British Pantomime. Every Christmas the British flock to laugh at the same old jokes; to see the same old story acted out by TV stars; and revel in a mixture of nostalgia and High Camp.

A key component in this is the Pantomime Dame. This is usually the hero's mother, such as Widow Twankey in Aladdin or Dame Trott in Jack and the Beanstalk. The Dame was a creation that emerged from the early Music Halls of the Victorian era. The public warmed to seeing their male favourite comedian playing the role of Jack's mother, or the King's cook and bottle washer. In Snowy Whyte Bert Goldblatt is an out of work actor and former Pantomime Dame.

*****

The Complete Cast of Snowy Whyte.

MALE

THE ANORAKS:

THE HERO:

THE CHOIRBOYS:

Damien Smyke (16)

Peter Pratt (8)

Cedric Snotfinkel

Jock Pringle (13)

Dee Tweedle (10)

Dumm Tweedle (10)

Jack Jerker (14)

Billy Bunion (14)

Fred Marley (15)

Dick Flaunting-Flasher (16)

THE SCOUTS

Bill Bailey (15)

Badger Banker (16)

Biff Beaver (13)

Bahir Baksheesh (14)

Buck Bookmaker

Benjamin Butcher (13)

THE CUB SCOUTS

Hathi (10) The Punctual Cub with most regular attendance.

Jeebi (10) The Fattest Cub.

Kim (10) The Helpful Cub.

Ko (9) The Noisiest Cub

Onaway (10) The Most Alert Cub

Mowgli (9) The Friend to Animals

Suggeema (8) The Smallest Cub

Tall Pine (11) The Tallest Cub.

THE OTHER YOUNGSTERS

Pip Pratt (5)

Patrick Pratt (12)

Jon Bobbin (former friend of Dick)

John Miller (13)

Paul Miller (12)

George Miller (10)

Ringo Miller (4)

Gill Boffin (From hospital)

"Chicken" Vindaloo (13)

Dudley Duckpond-Waddle (15)

Egbert H Dumpty (12)

THE PILGRIMS

The University Rugby Club

Mr Geoff Chaucer (the coach)

Mr Goliath Churchill Guppy

Mr Dylan Thomas Ffestiniog (the winger)

Mr Snowdon Knight (the University linesman)

Mr Edgar Summoner (the Captain)

Mr Sam Reeve

The Llanelli Louts

Mr Garrith Jones

Mr Dyfed Jenkins

Mr Dyfed Jones

Mr Emrys Jenkins

Mr Emrys Jones

Mr Roland Jenkins

Mr Llew Jones

Mr Llew Jenkins

Mr Huw Jones

Mr Huw Jenkins

Mr Jasper Jones

Mr Ffestiniog Jenkins

Mr Eluned Jones

Mr Dai Jones

Mr Dai Jenkins

Mr Dai Jenkins (a reserve)

Other rugby teams

The Shagging Sluggers

Mr Noah Miller

The Bowels Rugger Buggers

DONORS OF LABORATORY SPECIMENS

Mr Jack Tosspot (22)

Mr Boots Stryker (18)

Hon. Harry Hyde-Basset (15)

Hon. Horatio Hyde-Basset(14)

THE OTHER ADULTS

Reverend Prim, Vicar of St Giles

Mr Percy Pratt, grounds man

Regimental Sergeant-Major Flaunting-Flasher

Dr. Adonis Prince

Mr Jack Snotfinkel

Mr Bert Goldblatt (a.k.a. Madame Zelda)

Mr Willy Bobbin, bank clerk

The Rt. Reverend Bunny Bogtrotter, the Bishop of Blackball

DC Codger Crumblebum, Police spokesman,

Reverend Babosanjo, his young Nigerian

Detective Inspector Wolf Orlick-Cracklepot

Mr Duffer Duckpond-Waddle

Ulysses Rumpcoitus (Scout Troop leader) (23)

FEMALE

THE YOUNGSTERS

Priscilla Whyte

Petal Bonne-Bouche

Oleander Oddball

THE ADULTS

Mrs Chrysanthemum Whyte (Prof Von Scheissenhoffen)

Mrs Rose Snotfinkel

Mrs Poppy Baker

Mrs Tweedle

Miss Hyacinth Snodgrass, (the social worker)

Lady Beth, (tea-room proprietor)

Ms Lobilia Lobotomy

Prudence Peeking, (reporter on the Windsor Witness)

Mrs Philodendron Duckpond-Waddle

*****

The Final Table of Contents.

Why do the numbers keep changing?

Well this is embarrassing, I did not do a great job with this, my first venture into html and so some files were just too big for some readers to download and enjoy. These files had to get hacked about a bit. However its pretty stable now only a bit of reediting might cause re-posting of existing file numbers at a later stage but numbers stay as they have been shown below.

The final table of content:

*****

Sexual Content by Chapter.

This section features sexual activity involving

What is a Wank? British English for Beginners.

Churchill's frequently quoted view that the English and the Americans are two nations divided by a common language is very nearly as true today as it was when he said it. While the Internet is bridging the gap (why you even find the word "wank" cropping up in American stories these days) the gap between the language used is parts of Britain itself remains as much a divide as ever.

So what is a wank? Here are a few of the more commonly used unfamiliar terms to get American readers started in your exploration of this foreign language.

Wank:

Verb. To masturbate. Also phrased as wank off.
Noun. 1. An act of masturbation.
2. Rubbish, useless, nonsense. E.g."I wish I hadn't brought that new CD, it's wank!"

Wanker:

Noun. 1. A masturbator.
2. A contemptible person.

Wank mag:

Noun. A pornographic magazine.

Toss:

Noun. An act of masturbation.
Verb. To masturbate.

Adj. E.g."I'm not doing the tossing washing up, it's your turn!"

Tosser or Toss-pot:

Noun. An idiot, a despicable person.

Toss off:

Verb. To masturbate. Term applied to males only.

Some web address might be helpful if you need to look some of the more obscure English slang words used in this story.

http://www.peevish.co.uk/slang/

http://www.effingpot.com/slang.html

http://www.roadie.net/britlist.htm

http://www.lexscripta.com/desktop/dictionaries/slang.html#uk

http://www.peak.org/~jeremy/dictionary/dict.html

Cockneys, the natives of East London, are famous for two things - their rhyming slang, and for the TV soap-opera Eastenders.

Americas are sometimes of the opinion that Eastenders still go around communicating in rhyming slang -- sometimes I think it might be easier if they did. Here is some help with the ancient tribal lingo.

http://www.aldertons.com/english-.htm

The Tribes of Britain and their Languages.

For such a small area, the United Kingdom harbours many regional stereotypes. Some of the prejudices about people from certain regions, are exclusively held by persons from neighbouring towns and cities, while others span the length and breadth of the nation. Some of these prejudices are:

• Scotch people are mean
• Scousers (residents of Liverpool) all "nick stuff" (steel)
• The Welsh fuck their sheep
• Glasgow is for drinking and fighting.
• Brummies (a resident of Birmingham) are "thick". (stupid)
• People from Leicester are all related (when they invite you back to meet their wife and their sister you only meet one person).
• Cockneys will dupe you out of your money.
• Mancunians (residents of Manchester) are all gangsters.
• People from East Anglia are illiterate (I can't read and I can't write, but I can drive a tractor)
• A Geordie (resident of Newcastle-upon-Tyne) is a Scotsman with his brains beaten out.

There is something tribal about these regional attitudes, and nothing defines and identifies a regional stereotype as much as the language used by an inhabitant.

A Scots accent distinguishes him with in seconds; when a Brummie opens his mouth you can identify him; and just about nobody understand a Geordie but they can all tell where he comes from!

What do these dialects of accents sound like? Well here is and example - A resident of Birmingham is known and a Brummie. Brummies speak Brummie not English - example:

Interviewer: What's the difference between a buffalo and a bison?
Brummie speaker: You can't pee in a buffalo!

The Great North/South Divide and Language

Britain is divided into a North and a South. Broadly speaking, the people of the north are perceived by their southern cousins as being uncivilised, while the people of the north view southerners as being soft, perhaps decadent pansies.

There is also an economic divide between North and South, with the south (particularly around London), being perceived as rich, and the north, especially in areas where the local economy relies heavily on primary and secondary industry (acquisition of raw materials, manufacturing, etc), as being poor.

The puzzling thing about the great north/south divide is that nobody really knows exactly where the divide is supposed to be. The Midlands may be a logical place to draw the line, but others will tell you that The Watford Gap is the divide.

The way that you can tell you are in the north is from the voices. Words sound different here. Thick northern accents fill the air north of Watford. Here you will find you are a 'duck', a 'dear', or worst of all a 'love'. The stigma of a regional accent follows the local like a black cloud. In Snowy Whyte I have tried to reproduce some of these regional differences -- this mean capturing accents on the page and I know this is not always easy to read. Sorry!

*****

VIP's (Very Important Penises.)