Date: Thu, 07 Feb 2002 10:06:42 -0500 From: Lyndhurst Rutherford Subject: Chapter 14 of Tad's Story Hello all. Well....strike up the band, I've finally finished chapter 14. I hope you haven't lost interest by now but writers block is a bad little demon!! I will try to be quicker from now on. Please understand that I NEVER intend to just drop the story. I INTEND TO FINISH. Sometimes my life gets in the way and writing takes more time than I expect. Anyway......I now cheerfully sbmit for your enjoyment..Tad's Story** Ch 14. Enjoy! The following story is purely fictional. This is a concerns friendship, love, and sex between boys. If you are offended by my work, please don't read it. If this story is illegal because of your age or locality,don't read it. This, dear reader, represents my first attempt at writing short stories. If you do choose to read on, I would so enjoy hearing any and all serious observations and critiques from you. Please feel free to e-mail me at lyndie_73@Hotmail.com. Copyright 2002, Lyndhurst Rutherford, all rights reserved. ------------ Tad's Story..by Lyndhurst Rutherford...lyndie_73@Hotmail.com CHAPTER FOURTEEN Emptiness........ Emptiness,.....loneliness,...... a great void........... ................Damn it all!!! Call it what you will, but no what it's name, the feelings it invoked were the same. I had never in my life felt as I did then. Empty. Empty......and lonely. It was as if my day had been ripped from night and cast aside. My daylight, my sunshine,.....all gone. All that remained was the dark of night and an empty feeling...deep inside me. Still...,out there someplace,warm sunshine lurked. Yet..I was unable to see it, unable to warm myself in it's sweet embrace any longer. Helpless and cold inside...as this was totally beyond my control. Someone had once said, 'Time heals all wounds'. I would think this person to have been a complete fool. There are some wounds that may, during the course of time, heal and go. The small, trivial wounds. The wounds that don't really mean anything to begin with. But then there are those wounds that simply defy leaving. The wounds and events that cut deeply into one's soul and being, leaving an everlasting mark apon ones life. They remain, somewhere underneath, getting buried deeper and deeper within, allowing one to go on but still,.....still leaving a scar, to remind you.......always. Always that reminder..................... Heal 'all' wounds? Really? Oh come, come! That's hardly the case... Some, perhaps...but not all...... No...... No, not all.... ____________________________________________________________________________ It had now been three years since Tad left Britain with his father. Left the very evening of the party actually, aboard a White Star steamer bound for...I believe it was the south of France or somewhere?...I could no longer recall where Father had said, but, at any rate, it didn't quite matter where, did it? One kilometer was as good as a bloody thousand. Away....was away. After he'd gone, Father had informed me that, under orders from BIU, there was to be no contact or correspondence of any type between Tad and myself. No letters, no telephones.............nothing. It was all due to the fact that they didn't want anyone that may have had ties to Whitherspoon's operation that may have escaped being arrested, from finding Tad's family and exacting revenge. By all appearances, they were made to literally disappear from the face of the earth............. .......for a while............ .............Perhaps forever. In the end I suppose, it seemed, for all intents, better this way. The more contact I would have had, the more I'd long for his return. Perhaps it spared us both some amount of misery, and we could get on with our normal lives unimpeded. In the preceeding days following Tad's departure, my life had become a somewhat grey and dismal place, and I had done some serious growing up in such a short period. It seemed that whatever had brought me happiness before I'd met him, held little meaning to me now. Father, Michael, and Brandon, all tried to make me forget. Oh how they tried. Yet.....there was that ever present little grey cloud that hung over my head and followed me everywhere. There were some nights that I'd dream of him. I'd dream that we were together again,in each others arms. Blast!!! There were some dreams that, I swear by heaven and earth, that I could actually feel him pressed against me, actually taste the sweet warmth of his lips as my tongue once did. I could actually smell the beautiful scent of him as I became lost in his eyes once again. But then came the awakening, always...always...always..the awakening, leaving me shivvering in a cold sweat, alone in my bed, the tears rushing hotly down my face wetting my pillow and bedclothes. It had been ever so much more than a week or so since my mates and I last went mucking about in the woods, or swam in the lake. As it was, I had absolutely no desire to go there any longer. The one place that had always brought me solace and peace, my one place of refuge, now brought me nothing but pain and tears. To be there, meant only to be remimnded of what had once been and may never be again. But, Michael and Brandon, being the true friends that they were, had convinced me to go with them. Oh my heavens, what a frightful experiance that was! Aside from the obvious fact that they were abstaining from any show of affection so that I wouldn't feel as though I was the proverbial third wheel, so to speak. No.....that didn't bother me quite as much as the spirits that seemed to haunt the woods themselves. It seemed as though Tad's laughter was everywhere. Every sweet breeze passing through the evergreens, smelled like him. Every bird that uttered a chirp, sounded like his infectious giggling. The sunlight, peeking and darting about the tree limbs, like the sparkling light in his beautiful eyes. I couldn't even look at the side of the lake where,....where on the grassey banks we'd first.......loved each other. That spot, where I'd immediately lost my heart to him forever, and these woods, were filled with the shadows of the past. The shadows that only I could see and hear. To me, his spirit lurked all about these woods, everywhere I looked, and with every breath I took. I now preferred never to lay eyes on the woods again. I needed to forget him for now. However long that may take was beyond my knowledge, but for my own sanity, I had to. I recall one night in my room, in a fit of rage I gathered all of his posessions and such, including a photograph given to me by the local news paper, taken of the two of us at the award ceremony, and stuffed it all in my little drawer. You recall, the locked drawer that I put all my little momentoes in? The one that still contained his sweaty shirt from when we first met! As I went to slam the drawer shut, I had one last, long look at that photograph. One last look at that sweet face. Funny.....as the photograph was taken, we were all gazing into the camera lens. All of us except for Tad. My sweet boy, it seems, was gazing at me. Oblivious to all of his surroundings, he chose simply to gaze at me with a look of love that I cannot describe. Wait.....I can describe it. It was the same look of love that....that..oh for heavens sake..the same look that was on Fathers face when he gazed at his Michael in that old dog eared photgraph he'd shown me. I now understood how much Father must have adored his Michael, and now how my heart broke at seeing that same look on my sweet Tad's face as he gazed so adoringly at me. As my tears filled my eyes and streamed down my cheeks, blurring the faces in the photograph, I carefully lay it down in the drawer and closed it. I locked the drawer and stood there clutching the keys in my fist, the tears burning my eyes, the rage filling me up once again. "It wasn't fair I say...Not bloody fair at all. Here I stand in my room cold and alone, crying, when I deserved to have his sweet arms wrapped about me, his warm lips apon my own, his.........BLAST!!!!BLAST!!!!BLAST!!!!" I exploded in yet another fit of rage, taking the keys in my fist and hurling them against the bedroom wall. As fate would have it, the keys bounced off the wall chipping the plaster and fell into the heating grate, as I flung myself apon my bed and cried myself to sleep. Not fair....not bloody fair at all......... The next morning, I awoke in the very same clothes that I had fallen asleep in, the skin on my face tight with my own dried tears. Slowly sitting up in my bed, I felt exhausted. I had slept, but my body felt anything but rested. I decided then and there that this could no longer go on. I had to get on with my life until such time, if ever, I would be together with him again. I had had enough of this bloody feeling sorry for myself. It wasn't me at all. At least not the Sam Hedge I used to know. I'd always been a fighter and never fancied feeling sorry for myself. Damn it all if I was going to start now! Just then, a thought struck. Why not take up my time with learning Fathers business, and anything else that may afford me the chance to lose myself within. After all, it helped father forget his past for a bit..... Why not??? I had an easy go of presenting the idea to Father. He rather fancied the idea because it would afford him the chance that he's always waited for. The time when I would be old enough to learn from him, the business that had made him a success. We agreed that we could start with him taking me along to meetings and such as an observer. Actually, his employers were quite taken with the idea as well, since I was somewhat famous in my own right at the moment. In the begining these stodgy old businessmen that father did business with, balked and nearly choked on their cigars at the prospect of a 'child' being present. But father made it quite clear that, if they intended doing business with father, and aquiring his expert advice, they had to bloody well get accustomed to seeing me about. And besides which, I was far from being a child any longer. "After all", he pointed out indignantly, and with much pride,"how many children were they aquainted with that carried the title of 'Sir', and have been knighted by the king?". That seemed to shut their gobs straight away! It was all quite interesting to say the least, and I did learn quite a bit about business by accompanying father to major meetings, just sitting in the background and listening as his plans were laid and his decisions carried out. I had taken the habit of jotting down my questions during this time to ask father later when we were alone. Why, I would never dream of interrupting him before that. Until this time, I had never seen with my own eyes, my father as a business person, only as a father. Yes, I had heard of his reputation, but it was something entirely different to watch him in action. After a while I became totally enthralled with it and was even allowed to express some of my own opinions when he, or one of his clients would call upon me to do so. After a time, my sad thoughts seemed to take a back seat to what I was learning. Getting pushed further and further back in my mind. Slowly, it came to pass that I began to forget, to feel happy once again. My time during the week was so taken up with business that I relished the weekends when I could get off by myself and unwind by taking long quiet walks through the quiet suburban village streets. It was on one of these walks during a brilliant mid summer saturday afternoon, where I had been walking about thinking of a business matter and not even paying any mind as to where I was walking to, when I stopped for some reason and glanced about. The air was warm and sweet, hanging heavy with the smell of violet and honey, as the birds chirped among the sycamore branches in the trees that lined the walk. My thoughts became lost gazing up among those very branches, marveling at how pretty those silly birds were, and being totally oblivious to the comings and goings of the people, chatting gaily as they strolled down the avenue, and the horse drawn carriages with the rythemic clomping of the horses hooves on the worn cobblestone streets all about me. As I stood there, taking it all in for the first time in a long while, I couldn't help but notice the silent calm that filled my body. It was a warm happiness that I hadn't felt in quite some time. Finally at peace and quite content with myself,......the grey clouds having gone on along their way........at long last staring to see the sunshine once more. And, so it came to pass...that eventually my tumultuous summer would come to an unceremonious end. School had started again, and with it a new year and a new begining. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Time passed normally for the most part, and my life became as normal as any other young man of this period. Three years had passed since.....since that time when I............ let go of him. The awful dreams that had haunted me so had virtually disappeard, and it all seemed to be such a distant, bittersweet boyhood memory now. In that time my life took different directions, as I grew into early manhood, growing taller, stronger and more mature. I could still recall the way he looked the last time I laid eyes on him. My minds eye saw only the angelic vision of a boy's sweet face. The soft cheeks that turned bright red each time he so readily blushed. The soft eyelashes that protected...those sweet eyes. A boy's face, never getting a moment older than when I had last seen him. Dear lord, three years seemed an eternity, and I believe that if I had now met him on the street I would not recognize him at all. Nor would he have known me. I still wondered from time to time, if he'd thought about me at all.... ....ah...well........ During this period, quite a bit had changed. My body began to take the shape of a young man, shedding the skin of the little boy that once was, leaving him in the past and taking up the role of invincible sixteen year old, ready to take on, and turn the world topsy- turvy. And, although my mind and attitude had matured, still....in my heart, I remained the same person. Still the same of heart and human kindness that made me the person I truly was inside. My studies had increased and progressed as I poured myself into my school work, determined to be as good a man as father. Still learning from him and just when I thought he'd nothing left to show me, there was more. Oh, my father...Was there no end to his knowledge and skill?? Seemed that he always had a trick or two up his sleeve. I must say that being "Sir" Sam Hedge was quite a task indeed. So many times being called apon to officiate at public functions and such. Becoming somewhat of a celebrity in our little village. There was hardly an instant when I wasn't called apon to attend various functions and comimg out parties. Why it was the obligation of every young lady ion the village to have the most eligable young man at her party. Such bloody drivvel! This aspect made for some rather.....er..ah...sticky situations, i must say. Every so often I would find myself cornered by one one of these grasping little vixens, trying to claim me for their own, batting their little eyelashes at me and giggling like cats with their tails being lopped off. Well.....the problem was, that....well, to be honest..I had no bloody interest in these catty females! None. They literally caused me to wretch. Yes indeed...this caused me to put on great shows as I couldn't have talk going about that Sir Hedge was a...oh my word!!....... a...... "H-O-M-O-S-E-X-U-A-L", why they'd absolutly die. No indeed not...You see, after all this was still 1913, and....well...it simply wasn't acceptable to be "out" as they now call it. As I said, try as I may, I simply had no interest. Now....some of the young men! Well...that was another thing entirely. I had come to the realization that I indeed preferred to be with those of my own gender and began to see some of the boys I had known for nearly all my life, in quite a different light. If you recall, I had a certain thing for Michael....well...may God forgive me....not a thing actually, well....oh drat..how can I say this...even though I had loved Tad...that was long ago and I still did love him..but, what I wouldn't give to be with Michael...just once more, without Brandon. I think of what it would be like to be held and carressed by those strong arms, to kiss him, to feel his hard body up against me, to feel.........BLAST!!!!... All I have is my memory of when the two of them came to me in my tent in the woods, nothing has ever happened between us since. But...I am still their friend, and although they are seperated now, temporarily, is no reason for me to take advantage....is it? Oh..yes!!! The seperation! How stupid of me! Do let me explain................ As I had said earlier, many things had changed in this time. In addition to the business education I recieved from Father, the in's and out's and how to's of business, Michael's Father had made him a full partner in the family business. And, although Michael had to quit school, he was happy as a lark. The sad thing was that Brandons parents had him sent to one of the finest schools in Britain. It was at least three days away and, although he was home on holidays, Michael missed him terribly and spent most of his available time working so he wouldn't have to think about being alone. So it was quite an emotional mess I assure you. Ohhhh yes!! Before I forget, there was one more thing that changed in our lives... At this point in time, there did come into my life, a new love. A sweet life that I was not afraid to shower with all the love that I had to offer. A life so perfect, so precious that I would gladly have given my life in order to protect.......her. Yes.....I did say 'Her'! She was beautiful, precious, precocious, sweet and innocent, and truly a gift from God. And, she was all of two years old! You see, during this time, my parents reaffirmed to me, their love for each other, despite my mother having learned of fathers past life, by producing a new member of the Hedge household. My dear sister Anoria Margeret Hedge. This perfect bundle of love, came into our world, changing our lives forever and bringing new sunshine into our hearts. She was also fortunate enough to have so many that were quite willing indeed to love her. But it was her older brother that would hoard her all to himself. Thus, my daily labor of love would begin by bathing and dressing her each morning. I found peacefulness in sitting with her in the kitchen in the wee early morning hours, spooning that putrid baby cereal into her toothless little mouth, that would go dribbling down her chin as she giggled and squealed with each mouthful, goading with each silly face I made, and grabbing hold of my nose with greasy, dirty little hands. Surely there must have been more of that cereal on our faces and my nose, than in her stomach. Everywhere in the house that I went, there was surely a little Anoria toddling about after her big brother. Mother once remarked that she'd grow up to believe that I was her mother. To say that I was completely taken with her would have been an understatement. To think back now, I had so much love inside of me and absolutly had to share it with someone. This time in my life was one of the happiest and also one of the saddest in my life, as I came to know what being there for a friend meant. As I recall...... It was a warm, Sunday afternoon in late April. Mother, Father, Anoria, and I were all out on the patio near the garden enjoying what was then a glorious early spring afternoon. The air moist and humid, sweet with the scent of honeysuckle in the garden just begining to awaken from the long, cold winter. The Robins and blue jays sang and cackled at their newly hatched young while zooming about, gathering bits of twine and twig to repair and refurbish nests,damaged by winters foul temper. Mother sat at the patio table basking in the last warm rays of quickly receding afternoon sunlight and fussing over her needle point, while Father as usual, had his nose buried in his newspaper as an ever present cloud of his beloved cigar smoke rose languidly above his head, casting constantly changing shapes as it became entangled with the sun's ebbing rays. Annie,(my pet name for Anoria), and I were completely engrossed in a raucous game of hide and seek. Each time she got close, I'd manage to sneak away without being seen, leaving her to stick her finger in her mouth and wonder where I was. It finally ended up with me sneaking up behind her and quickly grabbing her and hoisting her far above my head, while dancing about and making silly faces. Needless to say Annie would respond with laughing and baby squeals of delight, with Mother loudly admonishing me to be carful and not to drop her. But...I knew Mother was only half worried...she still had the slightest of smiles curling her lips. But....you didn't hear that from me. "Samuel please! Do be careful with her. Oh I do wish you wouldn't fling her about in that fashion. You are much too old to be behaving in such a manner!" "Oh Mother!!! Don't be an old stick in the mud, for heavens sake! I won't drop her....Right, my little Annie?", I cooed at her as I hugged this sweet giggling baby to me for a quick hug before setting her down on her little feet, watching her scurry about after a blue bird, yelling "Buud!! Buud!". "Please! Both of you! How am I supposed to read my paper with all this caterwalling? Really!!!", came a disembodied voice from behind the London Times Sunday financial section. "Charles Hedge! Caterwalling indeed!", scolded mother. Father was in for a thrashing now, I thought. I knew better than to say anything more! "Why...instead of burying your nose in that silly paper, you should be enjoying this beautiful day that the Lord has so graciously provided us! And, may I add, you might try to actually play with little Anoria, before she grows up believing that her fathers face resembles the London Financial Times! And do put down that foul smelling cigar! You know how distasteful I find it". Father, looking for all the world like a sheepish lamb with a foul snarl on his mug, knew all too well, to keep quiet. Answering only in a barely audible,"Yes my dear". That was all...I had to turn my head to keep Mother from seeing me try to stifle a chuckle, lest I be next in line for a verbal thrashing. All at once, as if by some stage cue, Annabelle came marching quickly through the patio doors stopping at Fathers side and whispering something in his ear. Whatever the matter was, caused Fathers face to wrinkle up in worry. Having finished delivering her message, Annabelle stood up and hurried back into the house. Father stood up and started to excuse himself rather quickly. "Charles? Whatever is the matter?", asked Mother. "Oh, nothing dear. Just a messenger from one of my clients regarding a trivial matter. I've got to go into my study for a bit",he muttered hastily, and with out so much as another word, paper tucked under his arm, he raced off and into the house. For a moment, I could tell by her expression, that Mother didn't buy that story of a messenger. But, as she trusted Father, she allowed herself to be put off for the moment, simply returning her attentions back to her needlepoint. I stood and thought to myself that it seemed indeed odd that a messenger was sent on a Sunday. And, yet again, why a messenger? Why not the telephone? Quite odd indeed...... I suddenly realized that while I had been distracted with this thought for only a moment, it had become extremely quiet. Now while this may not seem to be of any importance to any of you, rest assured that when there was a two year old underfoot, quiet meant trouble. Quickly I glanced about for little Annie and breathed a sigh of relief a moment later when I found her at my feet gayly pulling grass out by the roots and depositing the same on top of her head. "Annie! No.....what are you doing silly girl?", I said with mock impatience, placing my hands on my hips and glaring down at her. She replied mearly by smiling back up at me with laughing little eyes and squeaked, "Hat!", as the drool ran down her chin. She was obviously very proud of herself. As I knealt down and began brushing the grass off her head, Annabelle came rushing back out to the patio. "Master Samuel??..Master Samuel??..Oh there you are...Master Samuel, your father has asked that you join him in study immediately". Mother and I looked at one another in confusion, wondering what on earth was going on, as Annabelle picked up her skirt and started trotting back to the house. I picked up Annie and sat her at the table with Mother and started to follow Annabelle to the house, when Mother suddenly stood at the table, threw down her work, and summoned up her most intimidating voice. You know, the one she usually reserved for Father when he displeased her. "Just one moment!", she ordered as Annabelle and I froze in our tracks. Funny......it seems as if I'd been here before....... "Mother..uh..Father is waiting, and...",my words suddenly trailed off and caught in my throat as Mother shot me a look that would have made better men crumble. "Annabelle...I demand to know what on earth is going on this instant!" "Well....I..I don't really know Mrs. All I know is that Father Mc Connell arrived a few moments ago and....." "Father Mc Connell? Here? Now?.." "Ugh...Yes Mrs. and......." "Well what the devil is he doing with Charles?", Mother demanded. "Mother! If you'll only allow her to complete a sentance,.....I....", Oh BLAST! Theres that look again. "Oh, never mind, the two of you are hopeless!",she hissed. "I shall find out for myself!", she declared and marched towards the house headed for fathers study. Annabelle scooped up little Annie, as we ran after her. Reaching the door to Fathers study, Mother didn't even bother with the formality of knocking, preferring insiead to burst right in. "Charles Hedge! I demand an explanation!",she shouted. Father stood and gaped at her, cigar smoke drifting from his nostrils, the anger in his eyes apparent, while poor Father Mc Connell sat across from him looking quite upset. For a moment the quiet in the room was deafening, then Father exploded. "Good gracious woman!! Have you no manners. How dare you barge into MY study and start making demands!!!!". "Wha..Charles, I....." "Be quiet woman, NOW!", he demanded, coming out from behind his desk and defiantly stuffing his lit cigar back in his mouth. Mother was stunned. So stunned she dare not say another word. No one did. Calming down a bit, he turned on his heels, paced a few steps and turned back towards Mother. "Now then madame, if you'll kindly take a seat, you shall have your explanation. Samuel, do come in please. The good Father wishes to have a word with you". Something was frightfully wrong. I felt it deep in my bowels as the tention hung heavily in the air. This was not a good thing. Funny, for only a moment a thought flashed through my mind,....no...no...I must be going daft. I hadn't thought of.....him in..in....a year,..or more. Mother and I came in. She sat, I stood. Father walked back behind his desk, back to us all, staring out the window at what had been, up until this point, a beautiful afternoon, nervously puffing his cigar. The room was deadly quiet save for the sound of Fathers puffing noise. Finally, I had had enough of this bloody suspense. "Well....Good heavens! Is someone going to speak?", I demanded. Father Mc Connell drew a deep breath and rose from his chair, looking at me with determination. I could see by the look on his face that this was no ordinary social call. Usually the good father was all smiles, laughter, joking and speaking in half sentances, usually because he'd get off on a bloody tangent and forget what it was he'd been saying in the first place. Perhaps the worst thing was that his forgetfulness was getting decidedly worse with every advancing year, poor chap. As he stood before me, his face looked old and tired, and seemed to cause him to appear much older than he really was. For a moment he stood and looked at me, rubbing his hands together, as if trying to pick the right words with which to start. Drawing a deep breath, he began. "Sir Samuel......" "Please Father", I interrupted. "You know me far too long to be addressing me as Sir. No formalities, please?" "Oh...yes, quite right,...yes, my boy! Very well then I'll come straight to it then. A few hours ago,....ahhh....I was informed that there had been a carraige accident involving a family of our church". He stopped speaking for a moment and drew a second, more hesitant breath...... Looking away from me now, he bagan again in a rambling manner. "The wheel had come loose sending the carraige out of control just outside of the village. The two occupants,...Mr. and Mrs.Harwick,...were thrown from the carraige and...and..killed instantly". At first.....I didn't even have a reaction. It was sort of a delayed moment, moving slower than actual time. I stared at Father Mc Connell but suddenly I no longer heard the words that were slowly coming from his moving lips. All at once he seemed to be moving in slow motion and I slowly felt my numb body slump into the chair beside me. I do believe that if I had remaind on my feet another instant, I surely would have fainted dead away. All at once, my thoughts raged through my brain. My god!!....Michael....poor, dear Michael. What is he to do now? Where is he to go? Who will love him? Hundreds of disembodied thoughts racing blindly through my mind as I simply stared at the floor, no longer hearing anyone in the room. Not even realizing I was in the room at all. Of all the people on this planet.....why? Why them? Why Michael? Always caring, always there for anyone.........why him? Suddenly, I felt myself being lightly shaken by my shoulders, being brought back to the consious world, and looking directly into Fathers face. "Sam? I say, Sam! Have you been listening at all?" "Father? Oh....I am sorry, I....I...Oh dear I simply can't believe it. I..........",I stammered, stunned at the news they were giving me. "There now. I do realize that this must come as a shock to you but,...." "Has Michael been told yet?", I cut in, directing my comment to Father Mc Connell and interrupting Father. "Oh..dear me, no....I simply cannot find the boy! I've been to the house and there's no one there. I went to the warehouse but found the lights off and no signs of life. Why, I'm simply beside myself. Then I thought perhaps you'd know where he might be?", he pleaded, wrinnging his hands in utter frustration. "Where are the bodies now?" "They've been taken to Doctor Cooke's root cellar to be prepared for autopsey". "What of his reletives?" "Oh dear, I'm afraid that there's only one. Mrs.Harwick had an aged aunt in Belfast. I've sent a telegram of course, but there are no others, poor lad". "Father, I think I may know where Michael is. On most Sunday afternoons he usually works in the warehouse alone because it's quiet". "Samuel!,...I beleive Father Mc Connell has already stated that he'd been there and there were no lights on and....." "Father, Michael likes to work with the lights off so that no one knows he's there and he doesn't get interrupted. And also, he doesn't want anyone knowing that he works on the Lords day....Sorry Father Mc Connell..." "Oh...yes..well that's quite alright lad, fool that I am! I should have knocked, blast it all! Whoops!!! Pardon my language Mrs. Hedge!", he apologized as he clapped his mouth shut with his hand in embarrassment. "Well then...I am sorry I intruded on your afternoon and I shall be off....I have some rather unpleasant business to complete", he said as he prepared to leave. "Father Mc Connell, I am going with you!", I said as I got up to go with him". "I say! Your what?....Now see here young man, I...", he protested. "Father Mc Connell, Michael is my dear friend. It will be much easier to bear if the news were to come from me...uhhh no disrespect to you intended, of course, and Michael must be told at once. Father Mc Connell, meet Father and I down at the warehouse in fifteen minutes. Park the carraige at the roundabout near the gate to the pier so as not to alarm him until I arrive. Father, would you accompany me down?" Father Mc Connell was in shock. He stood stock still at that moment, not wanting to believe that he'd been given a directive by a...a sixteen year old boy. He looked to me, then to Father in complete astonishment..."Charles????...I...he....???" Father simply looked at Father Mc Connell, and threw up his hands in defeat. "My son has a mind of his own Father!". "Hrmmphh!!! Own mind indeed!", he huffed indignantly. As we all turned to go, I realized that we'd completely forgotten about Mother. This was unusual to say the least because Mother always made her presence known and was seldom quiet about anything. Now....well, she simply sat there, staring sadly and forlornley, out into the room clutching her handkerchief to her face, a single teardrop dropping slowly down her soft, rose hued cheek. Walking over to where she still sat, I gently touched her shoulder...... "Mother?....Mother, speak to me....what's wrong?". Taking a deep breath, she gazed up at me, red eyes begining to form fresh tears. She took my hand in hers, and for a moment said nothing, still gazing up into my eyes. "I......I was just........(squeezing my hand),Ohh Samuel....I am merely being a silly mother! All this upsetting business brought back that awful day three years ago when.......I almost lost you......A mother can put aside, but never, ever forget. I almost lost my precious baby....and now this poor lad whom I've come to admire....How??? How will he get on without his mother to love him???" As Mother tried vainly to quell her tears, we fine gentlmen simply stood there like haberdashery mannequins...being at a total loss for words. It still amazes me to this day and all of my years how the tears of a woman can utterly and without mercy, destroy a man and render him speechless and incapable of thought, in other words.....a blundering baffoon. Suddenly, and without any warning at all, Mother stood bolt upright, drying her tears and taking stock of herself once again. With her chin held high she almost at once took on her aire of authority as she surveyed all we fine gentlemen in attendance. "Samuel.....once you've broken the news to Michael, you are to bring him back here, do you understand? I will not have that dear boy fending for himself and alone in his misery! Do I make myself quite clear gentlemen?" "Mrs. Hedge....after being told, he must then identify the, er....bodies..., if you please, and then......" "Identify the what? Of all the...We are talking about a boy sir! Not an adult. I will not have you put him through such...such...",she shouted, angrily stomping her foot. "But...but...Mrs. Hedge, it's the law! Someone must indentify the..." "My dear Father Mc Connell......Do not presume to toy with me as if I were simply a silly woman. I realize quite well what is invloved and I remind you sir...that we are talking about a boy! I know you many a year and I know that you are a man of good heart and intent Father, and I beg you....in the course of your ordained duties...please...do not lose sight of the fact that he is only a boy. Now then, why can't Charles or anyone for that matter, identify them? For gods sake.....there's not one bloody soul in this entire village that didn't know them". "Mrs. Hedge!!!! Please...your language!" "Ohh....balderdash! My language indeed!", she scoffed angrily. Thinking for a moment, Father Mc Connell then gently took mothers hands in his and looked at her. "Madame...I will compromise...I will ask him if he's up to the task. If not then...oh dear me....then I shall assume the duty myself. I assure you that I will be as gentle as I can....er..given the circumstances". "Very well then Father...but I shall hold you responsable!", she warned him, wagging a finger at him. "Alright...all of you...go now and attend to this unpleasantness, while Annabelle and I prepare the house". I had not a clue as to what preparations Mother was referring to, but being as she was dismissing us, we wasted no time in making good our escape. ___________________________________________________________________________ Father and I took the car for the short ride down to the waterfront, while Father Mc Connell followed in his carraige. From the roundabout near the gate to the pier, there was a short walk along the dock past a few small store houses and private slips, until you came apon the warehouse of J.Harwick LTD. I asked them both to wait there until I brought Michael back with me. For a moment I sat in the car taking a deep breath and thinking about what I could say to him, when I felt Fathers hand on mine. I looked at him, but no words were spoken. I knew he didn't envey what I was about to do. Slowly I opened the door and stepped out, closing it softly behind me. "Sam.......?" I looked at Father again. "Sam......I....I love you". "Yes father", I said giving him half a smile. "I love you too!". I turned and started walking down past the gate and out onto the dock. The scene was so surreen, the day so beautiful, especially down here. Such a perfectly calm place. So quiet. With gentle sea breezes drifting in, the sound of the circling gulls playing catch me...catch me. The smell of the water that lapped at the dockposts as the late afternoon sunlight painted the shimmering top of the bay, red, yellow and umber. And....and......what an awful thing I had to do..... Before long, I found myself standing in front of the darkened warehouse. For all intents and purposes it did seem rather deserted, just as Father Mc Connell had seen it. I found myself wishing that were so and Michael was nowhere to be found, but.....BLAST! I knew better. 'Ah well...come on lad...get to it', I urged myself as I reached up to test the door handle. Unlocked.....that meant he was inside working. If it had been locked that would have meant that he was elsewhere or....messing about with Brandon, I slyly thought to myself. But...since Brandon was away... The old wooden door creaked open and I stepped out of the warm afternoon sunlight and into the dark, musty cool of the warehouse, quietly closing the door behind me. For a moment, I simply stood still, listening and allowing my eyes to adjust to the change in light. After I could finally see, I heard a distinct series of thuds and scrapes which meant that Michael was close. "Michael!", I shouted. 'BOOM...THUD-THUD..' "Michael!", I shouted again even louder. Then from somewhere in the darkness came the call.... "Here mate!...back down 'ere Sam!", he shouted until the thuds and booms of his labor bacame louder with each step I took towards the back of the dusty warehouse. There behind a stack of creates and a huge dust cloud I found him. With only one kerosene lamp hung on a nail near his immediate work area, he came into view. His shirtless back was to me, wearing only his trousers held up by suspenders, and a tweed cap,as his sweaty muscles flared and flexed beneath his skin, laboring to lower the create he was moving onto another stack of creates. In a moment he had positioned that great weight with a deft thud as the dust blew out from between them and clung to his frame, richly oiled and shiney with sweat gleaming in his work light. "Hey Sammy, my mate!!!", he shouted as he turned and smiled that illuminating smile of his that simply melted me inside. "Now then....to wha' do I owe the honor of 'is lordship payin' a call on the 'umble workin' class 'eh?", he said as he removed his cap and fished a cloth out of his back pocket and wiped the sweat from his face and his matted hair. For a long moment I couldn't even open my blasted mouth, simply shifting from foot to foot, staring at him. At that precise moment my mind had forgotten why I was here. Instead my eyes feasted themselves on his masculine beauty. So much a man was he, with the sweat and dust, adhering to beautifully shaped pectorals and biceps, from years of hard work. Those huge brown, smokey eyes of his, accenting his dark, chisled features. Dear god, how I would fancy being held tight in those arms...just once. "Sam????? Yoo Hooo???? Ere' mate, are ya' there???", he said as he smiled, still wiping the sweat from his face. Oh dear, where had I been? Blast...how I hated having to tell him this. Maybe I wasn't up to it after all. "Michael, I....I......", I stammered. I suppose the pain was written on my face, bacause all at once he'd lost his smile. "Sam?....What's wrong mate? Did somthin' 'appen to ya'? Are ya' alright? Say somthin'!", he asked softly with great concern, walking towards me, stuffing the cloth back into his back pocket, and putting his strong hands on my shoulders. All I could do was look up into his eyes as he towered a bit above me. His strong hands, hands that could easily have crushed me in an instant, now lay gently on my shoulders bidding me to speak my piece now, as he looked back to me with anticipation of what I had come to say. I took a deep breath, determined to do what I had to do. "Michael,....sit please, I have something to tell you.." "What...sit? Just come out with it mate! Is it that bloody bad?", he demanded impatiantly. "Michael, please! Just sit and I'll explain". He looked at me questioningly, but blankly did as I asked and sat down on a row of creates,......waiting. 'Alright then Sam', I said to myself,'No more dallying, get to it', and sat beside my friend. I had to make it short and to the point. "Michael,....Father Mc Connell had popped round the house a while ago, and...." "Oh....Why? Didn't ya' get your ass to church, huh?", he smiled. "Michael, please! I'm trying to say something! He came to tell us that there had been an....an..an accident outside the village. A carraige accident. The wheel had come off and they,.....your parents......were,...were......", I choked shamefully and couldn't finish. But it seemed that I didn't have to. For, in the barrage of words that had already spilled from my mouth, he knew. As the color ran from his face......he knew. Michael stared at me for a long, silent moment. Actually, he stared right through me, as if he were suddenly in some other place in time. Just then he stood up and began pacing the room, quietly. No words, no emotion, no tears and such...nothing. Nothing that would indicate the enormity of what I had tried to tell him. And I just sat,......waiting for an outburst that.....never came. Then, out of the blue, back to me, he spoke. "I told 'im!", he muttered, punching his hand in frustration, hanging his head. "I bloody well told 'im!". "You....you told who, what Michael?", I asked softly. "My bleedin' father...I told 'im that wheel needed mendin' an' lookin' after. He wouldn't listen.........told me it would do for a bit, he did". I opened my mouth to speak, but...somehow didn't have a blasted word that I could offer. When finally he turned to look at me again, he looked to have aged many years in those few moments. Quietly speaking again. "Where are they now Sam?" "They're at Doctor Cooke's office being.....au..auto...auto something. I don't exactly know what that meant, but Father and Father Mc Connell are waiting out by the roundabout to take us,...or you, there...If you think you can......that is", I said as my voice seemed to trail off quietly. Michael wordlessly grabbed his shirt and proceeded to pull it on his sweaty frame and started buttoning. Judging by his lack of response, I took it to mean that he intended to go on in this in a very businesslike manner. But....I couldn't begin to understand....how? How he held it in? Michael made short work of it as he carried out the light, and we made our way back to the door. He didn't say a word as he fumbled with the keys and locked the door. Still, no sign of anger, pain,.....nothing. As he finished locking the door, I put my hand on his arm, stopping him for a moment. "Michael.......you know that...that..you don't have to, don't you? I mean, Father or anyone else for that matter can do this?" He Looked at me rather softly for the first time since I'd broken the news to him. "No mate.....I'm me own man now, not a bloomin' boy. I've got to do this.......for...for them", he nearly whispered, as he turned and started walking towards the roundabout leaving me standing. As I watched him walk away, it did occur to me that he was indeed correct. He was now a man...a man walking away from his boyhood. It was something that he had to accept almost immediately. It was something that could not be changed. He had to accept and make the best of it and go on from here. It was something that I also had accepted not too long ago. Michael and I reached the roundabout at about the same instant, coming apon Father and Father Mc Connell standing beside their respective vehicles and conversing. The moment they saw us, all was quiet. They both looked at me for a moment, then Michael, then themselves, before both of them converged on Michael offering condolences. "Michael?", said father, "Do you want to?...uhh.to see them, or...?" "Yes...quite..",interrupted Father Mc Connell,"You needn't do this if..." The two of them were stumbling all over themselves trying to be sensitive. "Gentlemen...please! Like I says t'Sam 'ere, it's my job t'do now. So...if ya' please......?" With out another word..the decision was made and we were off. Michael ended up in our car, sitting in the back, quiet for the most part and seemingly in another world. Still no show of emotion. Quietly, we made the short trip up into the village proper and down the main street to the office of Dr. Reginald Q.Cooke. Just as father shut off the car, the office door opened and out came Dr. Cooke, sitting his spectacles atop his bald head as he approached the car. Dr. Cooke was a curious person. Short and squat, with a bald head that served to hold his spectacles until he needed them. At which time he'd simply wrinkle his brow and they'd fall into place on the bridge of his nose. All business,he had no use for humor or frivolity of any type. Don't believe I had ever seen him even attempt a smile at all. But, despite his dour personna he was the only doctor in the village to people and animals alike, as well as undertaker. Dr. Cooke shook Michaels hand and quietly led he and Father Mc Connell around the back to his 'Laboratory', which was simply an icehouse that he used to prepare bodies for interrment and store various medicines and other perishables. Father and I respectfully waited outside. As we waited outside on Dr. Cooke's front porch, Father lit up one of his cigars and calmly sat down on the bench as the setting sun cast an orange glow on the one side of his face and the smoke that curled from his mouth. This is how I would recall my Father in years to come as one of the pictures in my minds eye. I sadly thought for a moment, as I studied the wrinkles begining to form around his eyes, how different my world would be if I were suddenly to lose him. True, as of late we didn't always see eye to eye, but still..... Blast....I didn't even want to think such a thing. I turned to gaze at the beauty of the sunset in this late afternoon, setting the sky ablaze in brilliant orange and gold hues. Still, I could not stop myself from thinking. How could Michael show no feeling at all? I couldn't understand. "That was a brave thing you did for your friend Sam", came Fathers voice, shaking me from my thoughts. "He's indeed luckey to have a friend like you". "Father?",I said, turning away from the sunset and seeing Father, legs stretched out, his hat a bit over his closed eyes, still nursing that silly cigar. "Hmmm???" "When I told him about....about, you know, uhh...he didn't even cry or anything. I can't understand Father. How can he not be the least bit upset?" Father sat back up, tipping his hat back over his brow and studied me for a moment, pulling again on that cigar and blowing the smoke out slowly, as I stood there, hands in my pockets. "Come here Sam", he said as he patted the empty space on the bench next to him. I sat down next to him, only then realizing how tired I was and how much this had all taken out of me. "Sam....we all, each and every one of us, deals with death in our own way. Some breakdown and refuse to go on, some deal with it requireing the help found in a bottle of spirits, and some go into denial and refuse to accept the facts. Your friend Michael comes from working class, tough on the inside and out. He's been taught that to survive, you must put business ahead of personal feelings and wants. He most likly intends to get the business done and go on, not affording himself the time to grieve. I should know, after all, when...when my Michael died I threw myself into my studies and work". "Father? Was there ever a time that you grieved for him?" Father looked at me hard and right in the eyes, pondering the answer he'd give me. "My...my heart has ached inside each and every day of my life, but I never cried....until.., until the time I told Mother of it all. Then it.....just came.......came pouring out...I....", he said as his voice trailed off. "But Father.....he must...I mean.. his parents.....if he doesn't grieve for them it may tear him apart". "Yes, quite so Sam. It may indeed tear him apart as you say, but you cannot force such a thing. All you can do, as his friend, is try to help him pick up the pieces of his life. Maybe he can't, or won't allow himself to be seen in such a state by anyone? A man does have his honor you know. And perhaps, you and I are not the people he wants to, or could, let go in front of". "But.....but I'm his friend Father, why can't he show me his emotion? I'd understand?". "Perhaps it will take more than a friend, or lover, I don't know.....I just don't know....", he said as he put his arm around my shoulders and pulled me to him. "Father?" "Hmmm....?" "If anything should happen to.....I mean if you or Mother uhh....well..I don't believe I could hold in anyth....", I said as I half choked on my words and hot tears began stinging the corners of my eyes at the very thought. As I leaned into him with him holding me, I felt the great rumble of his laughter against me. "Don't worry Sam....your mother and I are too damned stubborn to go any time soon. Why, we'll probably get all old and ancient and miserable and make your life a living hell before we're through", he laughed. As I leaned into my father, feeling his strength and warmth, smelling the stench of that familiar cigar, I thought of only one thing. "Father?" "Hmmm.......?" "I love you Father..........." Father didn't answer....not with words. He just leaned down and kissed me on the head, hugging me ever tighter against him as we silently watched the few remaining moments of a glorious sunset peacfully together. After a bit, I decided to make my way down the street to the telegraph office to send a telegram to Brandon. Forgetting that it was Sunday evening, I found the doors closed. But that wasn't really a problem, since the old coot that ran the place lived in the back and I knocked on his door instead. I could tell by the expression on his old and craggy face, that he wasn't really tickled that I'd interrupted his dinner, but he didn't say anything to me since I was 'Sir Hedge'! Well.....being a 'Sir' did have it's advantages at times, eh what? By the time I'd walked the short way back to the doctors office,dusk was falling and he and Michael, and Father Mc Connell had come out. As Father shook the doctors hand, Father McConnell was just pulling away in his carraige, waving his good-byes to me as he passed. Michael was already seated in the car, head resting back against the seat, cap pulled way down over his head, staring......simply staring up to the darkening evening sky. I stopped and looked at him a moment and wondered...what was going through his mind at the moment. "Yes, yes Charles.....he seems to be taking it rather well under the circumstances", said the doctor quietly to Father as I happened along. Father simply nodded his understanding as the doctor reached into his vest pocket to produce one or two very small paper envelopes. "One thing Charles, here, take these...", he said handing the envelopes to Father. "Just in the event that the poor boy can't sleep or should become distraught, empty one of those sleeping powders into a glass of water and make him drink it. Very mild I assure you...just enough to make him drop off". Turning to me the doctor warned not to leave Michael alone tonight, even if I had to sleep with him. For a moment I felt a stab of panic, as I looked at the doctor after he'd made that remark, wondering what he'd meant by that. I mean, well...could he have known how I felt? About boys that is? Really Sam.....how stupid could you be,I reasoned to myself. It was simply an innocent remark as the concerned doctor. Get hold of yourself, this isn't about you at all. The doctor told us that Michael and he had agreed apon a funeral date of the Wedensday morning at ten AM and that he requested that both his parents be buried in the same casket with their arms about each other. "Normally I wouldn't even consider such a thing, but, well they're both rather small people and I do have that oversized casket in the back shop, and..well.....how could I refuse the boy?". Having heard enough and being rather tired already, Father and I made our good-byes and left with MIchael. The ride home went slowly and quietly, stopping at Michaels home to retrive some personal possessions, clothes, night shirts and such, that he required to spend a bit of time at our house. At first he was under the impression that we were leaving him there and gave me a bit of a hard time. He preferred to be alone and wouldn't hear anything that I had to say. Kept shooing me away and that he'd be fine. Michael really was quite a scrapper when he wanted his own way. Finally, Father had to intervine and, well, let us say that Father is a hard man to refuse. I recall it quite clearly as Michael and I stood just outside his door and I was searching my mind trying to say somethng that would make him change his mind, when Father quietly walked up beside Michael and gently put his great bear paw of a hand on his shoulder, turning him about to speak directly to him. "Michael, please, listen to me lad. I had known your parents a great many years, and you, since you were no bigger than a tadpole. They were indeed our friends. Out of respect for your parents, and my dear friends, it is my duty to see to it that you are safe, fed,and in the company of those that love you. It would be my family's honor to be able to help you through this time in your life. Please son,....let us in. No one should be alone at a time such as this. And, while I realize that you are indeed a man now, it will not make you any less of a man to be with those that care and love you". For a long moment, the two of them looked deeply into each others eyes. Michael seemed to be searching Fathers eyes for a moment, like he doubted his sencerity. But the thing about my father was that, he never said anything he didn't mean. But I knew the look Father was giving Michael. It was hard to refuse him anything when he looked at you in this way because Fathers love has always shown through. It was just his way, I guess. "Well....I guess I really didn't fancy bein' alone an' such, eatin' me own ruddy cookin'.......Alright Mr. Hedge, Sir, I'm beholdin' to your kindness. But....just until I get me affairs in order. I'm bein' a burden to anyone mind you.." "Michael....", I said, "You're not a bloody burden......you're my friend...and...I...I...want to be there for you. Alright?", I said with Father nodding in agreement. "Right then.......", Michael said,putting his hand on my shoulder and making up his mind, then extending his hand out to Father. The two men shaking hands as if completing a business agreement. "Good show then lad! Besides which, you're saving me from Mrs Hedge giving me an awful row if I arrived home without you!", Father joked, chuckling and patting Michael on the shoulder. And then......Miracle of miracles.....for the first time that evening, Michael's beautiful smile retuned. Only for a moment, mind you, but never the less............the sun shown again on his handsome face. The three of us arrived home that evening, and after some consolation from mother, sat down to one of Annabelle's finest Sunday dinners of green salad with hot buscuits and plenty of butter, vegetable soup, roast ham, and for dessert, home made strawberry ice cream. Little Annie provided a pleasant diversion from all the sad feelings in the room, making everyone, including Michael, laugh with glee at her antics, especially when she preferred putting the ice cream on her face instead of her mouth, lord sakes! Dinner was rather quiet as we all tried to make conversation without referring to the obvious. As I expected, Michael didn't eat all that much, and seemed to be in his own sad world, eventually excusing himself to go to his room and retire for the evening. Later that evening found the three of us seated, as usual in the parlor, Father trouncing me in a game of chess and Mother doing her needlepoint while discussing with Father the need to retain a solicitor for Michael to represent his interests at the reading of his parents will. It had been a long day and little Annie had long since been taken to bed and Father was triumphantly put the final touches on our game, beating me soundly I might add. Well, it wasn't any wonder at all really as my mind wasn't on the game, but rather, upstairs in the guest bedroom. All during our game, I just couldn't keep my mind from thinking of Michael, alone in grief upstairs. My parents agreed that I would take a holiday from school until after the funeral, in order to keep Michael company and that Father would arrange with the head master to allow any of our mates the opportunity to attend the funeral. I was sure that there would be many of them, as almost everyone knew and liked Michael. I soon bid my parents a good night and trudged wearily up the stairs to my room. The house was quite silent at that hour as almost all the servants had retired for the evning. As I made my way down the hallway to my room, I passed the closed door of the guest bedroom. Stopping, I stood and stared at it for the longest time, wondering, what, if anything, Michael was doing in there. Was he asleep, or was he awake crying into his pillow in grief? I wanted so much to comfort my friend, but I didn't quite know my place at this time. Do I respect his soltitude and give him his privacy? Did he want privacy in the first place? Perhaps he sat, alone, hoping for someone to come and offer a loving shoulder to cry on, someone to hold him? Then again, perhaps he didn't need anyone pushing themselves apon him now, preferring to be alone with his thoughts? Blast!!! Why couldn't I make up my bloody mind? All I wanted to do was help him. Why should it be such a wrenching decision? Again I stood face up to the door, quietly, bearly a breath did I take as I listened for any sign of life inside. Silent. Not a bloody sound. Throwing all caution to the winds, I raised my hand to knock on the door. But......just before my knuckles struck....I stopped myself....., turning on my heels and slowly made my way down the hallway to my own room. Good show old boy!, I thought to myself most sarcastically. I didn't even bother with lighting the lamp in my room as I sat exhausted on my bed, removed my clothes and crawled into my warm, freshly made bed. As I lay in the darkness, the slight breeze coming in through the window ruffling the curtains, I felt ashamed of myself for not having the courage to at least check on him. Ah well...perhaps it was better this way. After all, maybe he didn't need me making a pest of myself. --------------------------------------------------------------- The early afternoon sunlight burned hotly into my skin as I sat on the banks of my lake in the woods, my knees drawn up under my chin and the cool earth beneath my naked backside a sharp contrast to the heat on my shoulders. Not a bit of a breeze was to be felt making it's way through the trees that surrounded me, not a cloud in the sky. Still, I sat there brooding and didn't know why. I should have gotten out of the harsh sunlight before I burned myself, but....I just couldn't move. Then suddenly a pair of arms snaking their way about my sweat soaked neck. Sweet soft arms, softly carressing the muscles of my smooth hairless breasts, and....no....how is it possable? I was all too familiar with the sweet, tender touch of these little hands as my heart lept for joy and I felt the sweet warm breath on the back of my neck, the soft lips as they kissed behind my ears, the feeling of the body that pressed itself against my back and slid against my sweat soaked skin and purring in contentment. My eyes closed languidly as my nose caught the smell of his body, the one person in the world I knew this well. My mouth opened and I heard myself speak...."Tad?? Oh....my Tad!! How could it be you??", I cried softly, while reaching for his hands and lifting them to my lips, kissing each little finger. "Ummmmm.....Shhhhh Sam...Ohhhh...dear, just to hold you again...", came a breathless ragged whisper burning in my ear, barely completeing his sentance before assaulting my neck with his sweet lips. For a moment I could scarcely believe what I felt and heard. I had to know. I twisted my upper body in such a way as to be able to see with my own eyes, that which my own body thought to be true. Finally!!...yes!!....Golden hair, warm, rosey, blushing cheeks, that sweet angels face, and.....oh god...his eyes....sweet, smiling, burning eyes...his eyes.......his beautiful eyes....... Could my own eyes be lying to me, I thought as I took his sweet face in my hands and his smile instantly warmed me a thousand times more than the sun on my shoulders? "Tad??? How?? Where???.............", I exclaimed, stunned. "Oh..I really don't know silly boy", he giggled. Sweet melodious sound of his infectious giggling....oh god...it WAS him!! "All I know is that you and I are here for this moment. Oh my Sam! How you've grown! You're not the same skinny boy I recall at all!", he exclaimed in astonishment as his eyes traveled about as if seeing me for the first time ever. "Tad, I haven't changed that much have I? I'm still me! But how are you here? After so long why?" It seemed as though he hadn't even heard what I had asked, instead continuing on. "Oh my, but you have changed my sweet love!",he said as he wormed his way into my lap, his left arm still wrapped about my neck, his right hand carressing my cheek causing me to shudder as I took his hand softly to kiss it yet again. His soft boyish body was just as I had recalled. He hadn't aged a day since I had last held him in my arms. But now, felt so good, so soft and warm against me. "Why Sam!!! You've got muscles on your chest and you've grown so hard and manly!", he whispered in delight, a sly smile crossing his face as his hand warmly carressed my chest and my stomach. "Why, all of you has gotten bigger..even the best parts!", he giggled as his hand deftly but sweetly clutched my growing manhood. "I don't know if I fancy the hair down there at all, but....it's still you! My, my, but you are happy to see me aren't you?", he giggled gleefully, his smile growing wider, as my penis grew in his small, softly stroking little hand and my eyes looked into his, my brain becoming a whirl of smoke and leaving me unable to speak. Where was I that he should be here, now? Why was I different but he was the same? My head tried vainly to make sense of it but, blast it all, I couldn't think clearly. I never could when he loved me..... "Sam?.....listen to me sweetheart there isn't much time...you must let go....you must be able to show your love to another! It's alright to love another as well.. How else will you know who you really love if you don't try to love anyone else? How do you know that I am THE ONE..truly?", he pouted, cocking his head to one side and gazing up into my eyes. "Wha....not much time? I...ohh...Tad...please!I don't want another. I want YOU..can't you see? Ohhh dear..I can't think well with you loving me, much less s-ss---speak...ohhhh...god.....", I squealed..my head filling with the feeling of his love, my senses knowing only the boyish, musky smell of his sweet body clinging to my own, the sweet heat of his smooth hardness as my hand searched out and found his boyhood prize which grew sweetly in my own stroking hand. Dear God, I could still smell the scent of his sex, that same sweet aromatic scent that drifted up to my nose and lingered in my soul and drove me madly out of my mind with desire for him. "Ohhh..god Sam....", he moaned hotly in my ear as his warm lips nuzzled and kissed my neck and his arms pulled my tightly to his soft skin. "You still....ohhh...stilll know how to make love tooo meee....ohh...yessssss, my Samm....my sweet Sam.....my hero". "Ohh...Sam....please...before I forget.....Help him! Help him through this! Don't shut off your love..even if it's temporary! Your love will help him through his sorrow...I know it! I will forgive you,...oh my sweet Sam...I will forgive you...How could I ever be angry with you? Don't wait for me...", he moaned hotly, barely getting his urgent words out. "Tad....oh god.....what the bloody hell are you...ohhh...are you talking about? Love who???......I...I only love.....you...ohhhh god...you feel so good....". No more words could I speak, as I felt myself being pushed back, falling dreamily, softly onto the ground, my eyes fixed on the sweet body of a beautifull boy who then straddled himself above me, his face red and sweaty with loving blush, the sweat dripping from his hairless chest as he hovered above me, leaning his angels face to mine, closer and closer. His sweet lips softly contacting my own as his tongue licked my lips and his hands ran through my hair. My eyes became lost in his. Falling deeper and deeper into his sweet eyes, the eyes I loved soo much, falling deeper, ever deeper like a drowning man. All at once the full weight of his body was apon me. His chest against mine, the sweat of our bodies causing us to slide together as two well oiled pistons, his hips against mine and his proud boyish hardnesss sliding against my own. Larger, much larger was mine than his, but his, still as hard as a piece of iron, and as hot as fire as we slid hotly against each other. Occasionally I would hear little squeals of boyish pleasure as his hardness would brush against the soft hair that grew so sparsly about my glans, as his hot lips flew all about my face, nipping and kissing me as if it were the last thing he would ever do. I can recall reaching my arms about him, massaging the soft pillows of his backside and pulling him sweetly into me creating the friction that seemed to melt us together as one and caused me to shiver with abandon in his arms. "Ohhhh..yess my Samm...ughhh .... only you know how to lloove meee.. oh god how I missed you against me.......",he breathed hotly, raggedly into my ear. "Ohhhhh...gooood.....sooo good. OOoooohhhh...my Sam...still..still my mann..Ohhh god my man, my man, my man....ughhhhhh" His words took on a surge of breathless urgancy as his hips moved faster and harder against me, my own world, my whole sense of being becoming lost in him as I was once again his and only his. Suddenly I felt my own urgency rise up and knew that I could not hold on for much longer. Some how my love knew this and he became urgent in his pleas to help me achieve my goal, whispering his words of love into my ear. "Mmmmmmm yessss my-mmmyy--Samm..ahhh feels so right! I know know you love me oooohhh sooo good....ughh....come now sweetness...oooohh yess please s-s-showw me! Ohhhhh soo big and hard! Oooooo SWEETNESS..SO HARD AND SOOO NICE!! AHH..AHHH...AHHH... Feel..feels soooo good...against me......Show me...show me please...show me h...h.. how much you love me.....", he mewled as he held me tightly against his humping hips, his boyhood throbbing maddeningly against my own raging hardness, our worlds once again colliding in time and space when all at once I felt as if I had left this place and my world exploded in fire and love, as we strained against each other one final, glorious time, the wettness of my mans seed spewing from me in blast after blast, becoming trapped between our stomachs, as we continued to blindly slide against each other, now more profusely lubricated than before. "Ohhhh god yesssss Sam!, he screamed at the top of his lungs. "Wet me! Wet me my man...ohhhhh god always my sweet love...ohhhhhhh ughhhh.....yessss....ohhh god how I love you...love you,...love you,...love you,...love you,...love you,...love youuuuu,", came his cries of ecstacy as our worlds exploded yet again and again. For an eternity we lay, chests heaving for breath against each other, warmed by our embrace in the afterglow of our love. Ragged whispering in my ear as he held me tightly against him, rising up and down above me with every breath he took..."Sam..sweet Sam...I'll always love you...but please help him in his sorrow..." Just as suddenly...came the cold. Gone was the warmth of another body apon my own, the sun back in my eyes, bliding me, no longer shielded from my view. Sitting bolt upright in utter shock and looking about....gone! Tad was gone as quickly as he'd come, my heart ripped out of my chest again. Alone, alone as I'd always been....again alone. Although the sun burned me as before, I felt my body shiver uncontrollably with cold, unable to stop the violent shaking as I wrapped my own arms about myself in a vain attempt to stop. Quiet....once again quiet as death.....no breeze...no sound........ ..............no.....no Tad. Quickly the burning tears came to my eyes, flooding my face with a torrent of pain, as I could manage only to scream out at the top of my lungs.....pounding the ground about me until my hands were bloodied and raw... "TAD????? NO...NOT YET...NO....COME BACK...COME BACK TAD...TAD??? TAD??????.................NOOOO..............NOT AGAIN..HOW COULD YOU LEAVE ME AGAIN....TAD??........TAD.............................." -------------------------------------------------------------------- "No!!!!!No!!!!Not again....No don't leave again...No!!!!!" "Sam???? Sam mate....'ere now,..come on lad...come on....wake up" All at once I became starkly aware that I was being held again.. but....but the room was dark? Who??? Where??? I could still feel myself shiver as I was being held...but it was a good few seconds until I could recall in my stupor and confusion, where I was. "Where is he?? Why?", I shouted as I sat bolt upright, gasping for breath, again, and again. "Where's who? Sam?...Shhh now mate....shhh. It's alright now, I got ya'......" "M-Mi-Michael??? Ohh god....it's you....Blast!", I said as my panting started to slow and I recognized his voice in the darkness of my room. "'Ere now. Hold on a bit an' watch y' eyes...", he whispered letting go of me. All at once I was momentarily blinded by a brilliant flash of light as Michael struck a match and lit the lamp at my bedside, bathing the room in a familiar soft glow. Using the sleeve of my nightshirt to wipe the sweat from my face, my eyes slowly became accustomed to the light which revealed that I was once again in the warm safety of my room. Nonetheless, I was still shivering from cold, as my night shirt had become entirely drenched with sweat. It was then that my eyes focused on Michael's friendly face standing above me at my bedside. "Lord 'ave mercy young man! Are ya' alright? That musta' been one bloody hell of a nightmare!" "Ohhh god Michael...what are you doing in my room? Did I wake you??", sounding apologetic. "Well...no..ya' didn't wake me. I couldn't really sleep an' was lyin' awake in bed when I 'ere's this bloody goin's on whi' you carry'n on, screamin' an' such, so's I come right in an' 'ere I am!", he said smiling that sweet, handsome smile of his. You know....that smile simply lit up his face.... "Ohhh god...I-I-mm s-s-sooo c-c-ccold-d-d", I stuttered as I shivvered. "Well's any wonder...look at y'self! All bloody sweated up an' stuff. Where's a clean one, eh?" "T-t-t-op-p-p drawer...over...over...over t-t-t-here...ohhhh...." Michael walked to my bureau and retrieved a dry night shirt as I got up from the bed and quickly pulled off the wet one, not even noticing my nakedness in front of him. As Michael turned to hand me the new nightshirt, I couldn't help but notice his embarressment when I caught his eyes wandering over my exposed body, turning his head abruptly and gazing at the floor when I reached for the garment. The moment I slipped it over my head and down my body it brought instant relief and comfort from the cold wetness of a moment ago, as I rubbed my arms in an attempt to speed things up a bit. I sat back down on my bed and my eyes found Michael in the chair next to the bed, still gazing down at the floor. "You can look up now Michael", I said with a bit of a laugh in my voice. "I'm sorry Sam. I didn't mean t'stare ya' know", he said sheepishly, looking up at me, the golden glow of the lamp at my bedside casting his handsome face in a warm glow of it's own. I just couldn't help it, but I had gotten this warm fuzzy feeling, deep inside of me. Dear god, what was wrong with me? I---I did like this feeling........immensely. And his face...he was so handsome, his dark eyes burning right though me, his lips, that perfect smile.................. Ohh...cripes, there goes that feeling.....again!!! Slowly, I smiled back at him, letting him know it was alright. "Michael.....it's alright. It's not the first time you've seen me eh? Why, I can still recall that night three years ago on my tent, remember? With both you and Brandon?" He didn't answer me, just laughed to himself, embarrassed again and staring at the floor. Obviously he did recall that night. "So Sam....", he started, trying to change the subject. "What was the dream that made ya' carry on like a madman, eh?". All at once a sadness washed back over me, as I recalled again why I was awake now, at this hour, in the first place. "It was....well...I.....", my voice choaked and the words caught in my throat as tears burned my eyes and I turned away from him, not wanting him to see me cry. I recalled quite well what the dream was.....but why? Damn it all......why now? Why, after all this time do I think of...of him again? I thought that I had put him out of my mind for the time being. Put him and the sweet memory of what we had, on a shelf in in my library of memories. Obviously...I had forgotten to lock the door and throw away the key. Suddenly, Michael stood at my bedside, his strong, warm hand lay comfortingly apon my shoulder. "It was....'im, wasn't it, eh?", he said as he reached for the chain about my neck holding the half medallion that I still wore. After all this time I still had never been without it. "You were dreamin' of 'im, weren't ya'?", he said softly as I turned my head to look up into his soft dark eyes, my own tears begining to blur my own vision as they cascaded down my cheek. I could only nod my head in affirmation as my voice was still choked back, causing me to fear that if I tried to speak, the tears would flow and not stop. Michael sat down beside me on the bed puttiung his left arm warmly about my shoulder and pulling me slowly into him, whispering words of comfort as I leaned my head into his strong chest as I silently sobbed, wishing I were small enough to crawl into a little ball and be enveloped totally by his strength. "Shhh.....there now...it's alright Sam. It was only a dream. It'll be alright.....it'll be alright now.......shhhhh now I'm 'ere...shhhhhh", he softly whispered as he slowly rocked us to and fro and held me tightly to him. After a bit, the tears slowed their descent and I started once again to calm, relishing the warm feeling of being held again. God, I thought,how I did love being held by Michael, his strong arms.......dear me....there goes that warm feeling in my tummy again........ Looking up into his eyes once again, he smiled down at me. "Ya' know mate, funny thing about dreams...they usually mean something or somesuch.. Me Mum used to say..............me mum..meee m-m-muu......", he fell suddenly silent, biting his lip, the words catching in his throat refusing to leave as I took his hand. "Let go Michael............let go......", I whispered. And then it came. The tidal wave of emotion, long denied him as I watched, the story unfold behind his eyes and waited...waited for the dam to burst as I knew it had to.......and suddenly his words ceased to come as his eyes closed and Michael shook violently, still holding me as his tears burst through and his self erected walls crumbled about him. "Yes Michael....let it go! Let it go......" "Awwww God Sam......,Awwww God,Awwww God,Awwww God", he pleaded. "Why? WHY...WHY...WHY..? Why did God take 'em..............Awwww w-ww-h-h-y..............", he wailed tearfully, again and again. "They never done nuthin' t' nobody!!.........never......." I lost track of exactly how long into the night he cried and wailed for the love of his parents, but I knew it eventually had to come. This time it was I who comforted him. Much in the same way he'd just done for me, only he still held me tight, nearly squeezing the daylights out of me, but I said nothing of it. I couldn't stop it. I wouldn't. It had to come out. Finally, at long last, it was still in my room. No more crying, only the two of us...still rocking each other, holding each other. Eventually, I looked up at him, his face wet, his eyes red from the deluge. I reached over to my night stand and retrieved a clean hankie that I keep there. Slowly and lovingly, I cleaned his face, wiping the run from his nose, and drying the tears that remained in his eyes. Putting down the hankie when I had finished, I turned and looked at him again. He smiled, that warm smile at me, and I at him. I put my arms about his neck and he put his about mine, as we leaned our foreheads together and gazed into each others eyes. "What a fine pair we are", I said with a laugh. "Couple o' poor ole' sods eh?", he said and laughed also. All at once...I don't know how or why....his eyes..I just fell headlong into them and.....and, may God forgive me....I leaned in and softly put my lips against his and.......kissed him. I quite expected him to push me away, but, no....instead he slowly pulled me closer, ever closer, kissing me back.....warm, soft kisses, tasting the saltiness of his tears....ohhh dear too late, too late...............and slowly, dreamily...we both fell back on the bed, our lips still glued together, our arms wrapped tightly about each other so as not even a whisp of air remained between us. All at once I realized what I had done and broke free of him and sat up breathlessly. "Ohh God M-M-Michael....Oh dear God..I'm so sorry! I should never have...ohhhh dear.......", I shouted, standing up and looking away. I felt his strong hand, softly apon my shoulder as he whispered words I so wanted to hear. "Sam.......why are ya' sorry? I'm not.....I'm not.....at all. Please.....come back to me...kiss me again", he said softly as I heard him get up. I felt his arms snake about my waist from behind, felt the heat of him as he pressed himself into me from behind, causing me to swoon against him. Thank God he had his arms about me as I surely would have fallen to the floor. I couldn't help myself as my eyes closed in sweet rapture. Where was my head? Where were my senses? Ohhhh dear God it's been so long since I was last held in someones arms. I just knew that I needed Michael...I needed him so badly! This had been coming for as long as I have known him...we both knew it. Slowly, I took his hands away from my waist and turned to look at him. I held his hands in mine as I looked into his deep beautiful eyes, taking his hands and bringing them to my lips, kissing the strong fingers with the rough calluses, as he looked back at me intently, lovingly. I couldn't even imagine how wonderfull his rough hands would feel apon my skin. Putting his hands down, I stepped back a pace and, reaching down for the hem of my nightshirt, lifted up and over my head, once again exposing my nakedness to him. This time, he was not embarrassed to let his eyes roam,........... ................. and they did. I bent before him and took the hem of his nightshirt and lifted it up and off of him, his perfect muscled body exposed for my eyes to wander over........ ...................and they did. I softly took his hands and placed them apon my waist, wanting them so much to roam.....and they did....ohh God, they did..............as we fell naked back apon the bed, our bodies sliding wontonly together. I recall that, although we both were but a year apart in age, how I felt so small and helpless in his embrace, much as a small child, as he scooped up my small frame in his arms and held me, and loved me. Begining to whimper and going out of my mind as those rough hands, those delicious rough hands played and toyed, touched and carressed, sending me to ecstacy as I writhed beneath his strong touch and gradually lost my mind. Loving Michael was different experiance for me. It was one thing to love Tad those few years ago as a boy with a boys' body. It was entirely another to be loving a boy with the body of a man. Michael was such the tenderly slow lover as he softly kissed every inch of me and held me close to him, enveloping me, protecting me from who knows what. Never forceful or rough. Never rushed, as young men tend to be. I will recall with great detail how he slowly kissed his way down my neck and down to my chest, taking each of my nipples into his mouth in turn, driving the passion in me, causing me to call sweetly his name, over and over, while his hand stroked and caressed my hardness. As it happened, my hands were not completely dormant, having carressed his hard body and taught muscles, finally reaching his aroused sex and barley being able to get my hand around it, as I stroked him tenderly, all the bumps and curves that God had given him, suddenly becoming known to me, and as he now knew of me. Lord, he was so much bigger than Tad and myself. So warm...so hard and soft at the very same time. He didn't talk much, only his labored breathing told me that he was enjoying what I did for him, as he slowly thrust himself back and forth through my clenching hand, his hips setting up a great vibration on the bed. After a bit, I opened my eyes and again gazed at his handsome face in the soft glow of the lamp, memorizing every curve and angle of his beautiful face. It was then that I needed to stop him as he began pushing the limits of my endurance, threatening to end it all much too quickly, and I softly pushed him back on the bed. He softly held my hand and gazed up at me with a serene smile on his face as I got to my knees over him, marveling at the beauty of him as his penis stood up proudly......waiting. I had to know....had to have my way with this Adonis as I lowered my head and began kissing each inch of his face, his lips, his eyelids. Slowly, I moved my way down his neck as he writhed under my lips, working my way down to his massive pectorals and returning the love to his nipples that he'd given to me. Inch by inch, I made way down between his pectorals, down the flat of his hard stomach which looked like six well tuned mounds of hard muscle. I recall quite fondly, my nose being tickled by the fine growth of hair that ran down the center as I kissed and licked my way down, and how his stomach heaved with each hot breath he took, each murmer of pleasure, as his long fingers became lost running through my hair. Finally, I found myself at my intended destination, my face and nose burying itself in his soft patch of hair that surrounded his staff. And I lie there, drinking in the different smell of him as his penis hotly poked and twitched against my chest. Just as Tad had a scent about him, so did Michael, and it drove me wild. It was fair to assume that I was given to being aroused by the smell of a male...........blast, how I loved it. Running my tongue amid the soft curls, I made my way to the strong tops of his thighs and kissed him there as well...I just couldn't get enough of him. What sort of animal lust had me in it's grip??? Finally, I could wait no more, lifting up and setting his penis free and bobbing up. I was so close, my nose right against it as I closed my eyes and ran my tongue slowly up from the base to the head, illiciting deep gutteral groans, his hips twitching expectantly as his penis twitched in my face and his hands pulled my head in impatiently. No.....not yet.., I thought mischieviously, as I took a good close look at this beautiful thing before me. I had never taken the time to look, really look at one, not even my own. But.....ohhh..Michaels' was so strong, so beautiful,I thought as I studied each little bump and vein...the head, cut as I was....so clean.... Then my passion had me back in it's grip as I took it softly in my hand, Still stroking him, kissing my way from top to bottom, his hips bouncing about on the bed, as I opened my eyes to see the pained look on his sweet face. Arriving, finally at the head, I slowly stuck my tongue out. Lord it was so soft and hot...I found that I could not get enough of the taste of it... "Ahhhhh...oh lord....sweet God Sam....wha' are ya' doin' t' me.....ahhhhhh.....PLEASE SAM...I CAN'T TAKE IT, LOVE ohhhhh sweet Jesus y' so good Sam...............", he pleaded breathlessly as his voice broke. "Ohhh God Sam....p-p-plllease....ahhh...ahh..., please come about....I-I---need to have you too----ohhhh---God---please....need to t-t-taste you too.........ooooohh.." I thought I knew what he wanted as I scooted myself about, my feet at his head, my own hardness feeling his hot breath against it as I lay on my side and went back after him. All at once I became paralysed and my entire being shook as Michael had outdone me and proceeded to engulf my entire member in his hot wet mouth...god it had been so long since I had release that I couldn't imagine how long I'd last, as his sweet tongue wrapped itself about my hardness and drove me to near frenzy. While I still had a mind of my own, I wrapped my arms about his backside, pulling him into me as his manhood invaded my own mouth and I slowly took his entire length in one fell swoop, causing him to utter a muffled moan of ecstacy. I was exteremely proud of myself as I had taken his entire length easily down into my mouth and could now taste him....all of him...... I don't know why, but this was altogether different than when I had been with Tad. With my sweet Tad it had been love. This had an aura of animal lust, and I had turned into an animal of passion, unable to control myself. I needed more of him...always more. My mind knew nothing else. It burned with the realization of a suddenly fulfilled dream. A dream of having Michael...at least once in my life. Both Michael and I needed one another at this moment, in this way. We didn't stop to think wheather it was right or wrong. We lived only for the moment. Slowly in a frenzied heat of passion we drove at each other, the only sounds heard were the sounds of love making, soft whimpering sounds, intense murmurings, coupled with the sound of our breathing through our nostrils as our mouths were otherwise occupied. Even though Michael held me tightly in his arms and drove me nearly daft in his own right, I could sense through the deep fog in my head that his end was near as I heard his breathing increase, his hips became more and more urgent in their need as he sought the warmth I gave him. Poor Michael could not keep his mind on his own work as finally he lay his head back apon the bed and the need for his release screamed from somewhere deep down inside and I concentrated my very soul apon his desires, only desiring to please him and never letting up for a moment. As I took him deeply, softly, again, and again, and again, mind filled with a naughty thought as my hands kneaded the taught muscles of his back side, pulling him deeply into me ever so much more. I found that two fingers had their own mind as they sought out the warmth of his backside entrance. At first they tickled and grazed it gently, then gaining more courage, I momentarily took my mouth away from him and lubricated my two fingers with my saliva, quickly returning to his manhood before I'd be missed. Then, ever so gently, so as not to hurt him, my fingers wiggled themselves past the opening and invaded his, tight, slick, heat. Little by little, I ferverantly took all he had from the front, while my fingers continued their intrusion, sliding themselves well in as I felt his muscles grasp my fingers and refuse them exit. This seemed to be the catayst for his final undoing as Michael went berserk beneath me, bucking his hips, calling my name and growling into the pillow to keep from waking the entire house. I was beside myself and my mind and body trembled with joy as I waited for what I had wanted for so very long....God how I needed to taste him. Finally, not a boy, but....a man..a man's taste. "Aghh.....god Sam.....Sam...I-I'm going to ....oh Sammmm....it's 'appenin'....ohhhh..ahh.....ahh.....ahh.....ahh.....ahh...Ohhhhh Sammmmm....I l-l-l-loovee youuu......AHHHHHHGHHH...." The last cries of joy sprang from his overheated soul as his arms wrapped themselves about me and he buried his face against my stomach. His body went ridged as I pulled him into me and held on for dear life as his manhood pulsed and grew bigger inside of me. All at once the firestorm exploded in him, as jet after jet of his warm, thick, offering exploded and inundated my mouth. At first I gaged a bit, not knowing what it would be like, but almost as fast, recovered and accepted the sweetest substance I had ever known. To think of the moment now, I was amazed that it was rather alot and I had trouble keeping it in, although some dribbled out and down my face onto him. But....., I never, never had reservations about swallowing it.......not at all, I loved it........I loved him. It seemed an eternity as I held him....captive in my mouth, as I milked from him every last remaing bit of his seed like a hungry kitten with a bowl of cream, as my own body trembled with desire and my sweat trickled down my face. After a brief period, the storm abated, and I listened as his breathing slowed and his arms became weak as he slowly grew smaller in my mouth. I really did not relish the idea of letting him go, but my mouth was tiring and my face was sticky and wet, as I continued to kiss and fondle him. Eventually his sweet voice brought me back to reality. "Ohhh Samm.....I.....I never knew.....Ohhh such a good lover. Please...oh please...hold me...I need you to hold me...now...", he pleaded, holding his arms out invitingly. Reluctantly, I let go of him, crawling and kissing my way up his beautiful body until I was within reach of his arms which gathered me up like a small rag doll, until I finally lay nestled warmly against him. As I lay there, my ear against his chest, the sound of his breathing was the music for my soul. Resting in the crook of his arm, his arms again enveloped me holding me so close to his warmth it made me shudder and my eyes closed. "Michael?.....I--I hope that it was alright for you. I've never...done it quite that way before and......." "Sam......oh god...my Sam...yes.... I can't believe ya' never done that before. Not even with....uhhhh...." "No........Well actually.....it never ended the same way. Neither of us could.....uhhh...could........". "Oh...cripes Sam! I'm awfully sorry!....I mean I tried t' warn ya an' all...but you...ohhghh god.. Sam..." "Ohh....my Michael...NO!", I squealed looking up into his dark eyes, putting my finger up to his lips, the sweat pouring down his face.......God that face of his gave me butterflies !!! "Please Michael...don't be sorry!!", I smiled as I hugged him. "I wanted it!!! Oh god it was beautiful...Michael", I laughed as I hugged him close to me again, laying my head down and kissing his nipple. "Well mate...can ya' tell me what was that bleedin' dream ya' had that got ya' all in a tizzy in the first place?" Oh blast, the dream......I had forgotten..... "Michael......please..it wasn't important at all really. Just a stupid boy's dream was all....." He gently picked my chin up with his finger, looking deeply into my eyes for the longest time as he began stroking my cheek and kissing my face with sweet butterfly kisses while I absently played with the few hairs on his chest. What I wouldn't give to stay here in his arms. It would seem as though I could hold him forever. Eventually he took my head in his hands and brought his warm lips to mine again, kissing me slowly, softly, and deeply, with all the love and meaning that he could. My eyes closed as my mind went numb and the fire burned once again deeply inside and my hands played over his strong body once again. "Poor Sam", he giggled, taking his lips away from me. "Oh damn Michael!!! Why poor Sam....and why have you stopped kissing me? Ohhhh god Michael....you kiss me so well...ummmm...more!", I breathed heavily and pouting, as I searched his face for more. He laughed again as he held me, his voice rich with the breath of passion. "Poor Sam because ya' took care o' me, but you still have quite a hard problem of yer own, eh?", he whispered as his rough skinned hand gently wrapped itself about my manhood, pulling gently. So.....this is what it was like, I thought as my mind and body seethed beneath his touches. The rough calluses on his hands, born from years of hard work, now causing me to tremble and writhe beneath him as I yearned for more. My brain became a shambles as it whirled about inside my skull, my whole body suddenly aflame and trembling. "Ohhhhhh.....Mi-Michael.....god...yessss...ahhh please kiss me again!" I managed to say as my voice came out in more of a high pitched squeal than my normal tones. I was standing on the edge of a cliff, suddely, insanely being pulled off...into oblivion....and into his arms. So lost was I to him that he could do anything with me now...and I abandoned myself to him. "Sam.....no more kissin' mate. I got somethin better for ya'. Somethin' I want t' give ya'". "Wha.....oh Michael...don't just play with me.... more...kisses..,mmmmmm......do you realize what you do to me? Ohhh god....my god,......................", I panted as my tongue found the inside of his ear. "Michael, c-c-ccan't think........more,.....more,.....more,.....more", I whimpered as I kissed his sweet face over and over, my lips tasting the sweat on his face and the heat of his skin. Michael turned from me suddenly, on his back, dragging my limp and clinging body with him. Now as I lay atop him, our sweaty bodies sliding against each other, he carressed my back and my behind with warm, rough hands, joing our sex together as if they were one. Dear god how the roughness of his hands set me afire. "Dear lord Sam...you're bloody impossible", he said laughing as he gently pushed my shoulders up and away from him. "And you're so bloody beautiful", I teased back. "Sam.....get on y'knees between m'legs eh?" Still unable to catch my breath, I quickly did as he asked of me, scampering down between his legs and on my knees. Suddenly it had dawned apon me what he intended as he lifted his legs, putting his ankles on my shoulders, never once breaking eye contact with me. Suddenly...he simply looked so.....lovely, so vulnerable..laying open to me, as he bared his entrance to my eyes. He then reached down to his own and scooped up the remaing seed which still lay smattered about on his genitals and applied it to me, lubricating me for what I knew he wanted me to do. What we both wanted so badly to do. "Michael.....are you sure? This is the most personal of things two people can do. Are you quite sure you want me to?" "Yes Sam......I DO want ya'to. I been wantin' it for a long time. I always had me a dream that one day you'd make love t'me. You're my dear, dear friend Sam, an' I-----oh god Sam...I need t' feel ya' inside me jus' once......please!!", he hissed through clentched teeth as he took matters in hand, guiding me to him, placing me at the entrance to his sweet soul. My mind was a melted mass of swirling jelly as he looked up at me pleadingly. "Please Sam.....now..........", he whispered. So long ago....but I can still recall how gentle I tried to be with him, so did I adore him at that moment, as I slowly, effortlessly, slid myself deeply, into the heat, into his inner recesses in one complete motion, as he moaned in sweet joy. In one delerious moment, I again lay atop him as his legs came around my back and locked me deeply inside him, locked against him with no more to give. Our bodies now one, our young souls, now merged forever. For a long moment neither of us moved, as we hugged each other closely, enjoying the sweet warmth of what we had now done as I felt his heart beat against mine, his inner muscles gripping me with sweet force as if he never intended to let me leave him. I didn't want this part of it to end. God I wanted to recall for my whole life what it felt like to be a part of him. That first time was always such a beautiful memory. All too quickly the need had arisen within me like a fire out of control, as my hips bagan to pull back, fighting the hot steely grip he already had on me, and slowly filled him again and again, my mind ablaze with light and color, trying....trying so to make it last.....forever. "Ohhhhh god Sammmm....ahh soo nice inside meeee...Ohhh I jus' knew it would be...I bloody knew it...ahhh.....yess..... Please...Sammm h-h-harder...I'm n-not a-aa ruddy china doll...ohhh...PLEASE!!!!! AHHH......do it harder!! Much bloody harder....slam the shit out of me...NOW!!!! I love it that way!!!!!OoooooOOoo.................", he wailed, pleading me to really have a proper go at him. Picking up speed, my hips became a driving piston as I slammed myself into him, again and again, as he lay panting and moaning in rapture beneath me. I knew then that it wouldn't be at all long before I met my end as I felt the explosion well up from the very depths of my body, the sweat pouring off my face as I lay down apon him, my hips still leading the charge, his arms squeezing me for dear life as this huge man/boy, twisted, writhed and screamed into my chest as his world seemed to end. "OHHHH YEAH SAM......YESSSSS....AHHHH, I'M GOING T' F-F-FINNSIIIHH !!!! P-P-P-P-LLEASE....OOHHHH PLEASE GO WITH MEEEE..AHHHHH FINSIH INSIDE ME, PLEASE.....OOOOHHHHHHH G-G-GG-GGOOOODD!!!!!...UUGHHHHNNNGG, N-N-N-NOW SAM...NOW...NOW...NOW...NOW...NOW...UUUUUUUGHGHHHHHH.........", as he went instantly mad and shrieked in my ear as my own end suddenly exploded apon me as well and I left myself deep inside of him...and we both fell..through the clouds.....through the haze...off the edge of the universe, magically soaring through the heavens as we held each other one final time, our bodies frozen in time. It was for quite some time that we lay there, rufusing to let each other go. His strong, rough hands tenderly stroked my back from bottom to top, through my hair and then back down again, as I lay motionless atop him, still engulfed within him, my sex slowly receeding and finally, quietly slipping from him. Neither of us spoke much for a time because there were no words that would convey our feelings at the moment. I couldn't help myself but continue to kiss and lick his strong chest as he held me close, our breathing slowly returning to normal, the fires deep with our bowels temporarily satisfied. All I seemed to want was to hold him. Soon, I realized that his hands had stopped moving and his breathing told me that he'd fallen asleep. I slowly crept off him to one side hoping I wouldn't wake him. Quietly I sat beside him on the bed crosslegged gazing at him lying there, finally at peace. Sleep Michael,.....sleep my dear friend. It was a funny thing, as I sat there replaying what we'd just done, I caught myself absently fingering the little chain about my neck. The chain that held the half medallion piece that I had worn all this time since giving Tad the matching other half the evening he'd left me. All at once the guilt crept into my body... What had I done? What had WE done, Michael and I? He loved Brandon,not me. And I --I had Tad. I think.....or rather, I HAD Tad. I still had no one of my own.... What was I thinking? I knew then that I didn't love Michael in the same way that I loved Tad. All I wanted to do was comfort him......but.....oh..dear what had I done to him? Suddenly my thoughts turned everything to dust. Just minutes before, it was all bliss and I was so happy.... I had ruined our friendship..taken advantage of his weakened state of miind and used it for my own gratification. I was dirty! That dream.....that blasted dream! Why?....Why hadn't Tad aged at all? He was still the same age as when he'd gone. And.....yes....I recall! He`wasn't wearing his half of the medallion! Then it wasn't real after all, or perhaps he'd given up hope of ever seeing me again? Had Tad really given me permission to make love to Michael? Is that what he wanted me to do? Show my love to some one else? But....I.....I......thought.....oh dear, I didn't want to come between him and Brandon.....to have them...hate me in the end! Oh god....why do you torture me so...............??? Yet...as I looked at him, his face so serene and at peace, finally able to relax enough to sleep. I lay down on the bed next to Michael and pulled the blankets up over the both of us and stared up at the cieling, listening to Michael breathing peacfully. Suddenly....without warning, a tear burned my eye. And as I swiped at it, another followed, and another, and another, until I turned my face to the pillow and silently wept...... Oh dear god...Tad...Tad... I thought after all this bloody time, I'd be over you! I thought that I'd forget you and get on with my life! How I.....How I wish it were you sleeping beside me now! Where are you! Why? Dear god, why? Good old Sam! Always there to help the down trodden, the abused, the sad friends? Who the hell is there for me? When will it be my turn? WHEN??? He's most likely forgotten me by this time. WHY CAN'T I FORGET HIM? I need to get away.... Away from here and everything that reminds me of......of him. Yes! Indeed! That's it! But where? When? How?