Tales from another broken home.

Caught off guard, All worked up.
The air is cold and dark as night.
Let me go, I'm not done.
I swear I'll take just one lifetime.

And I.
I won't lie.
I won't sin.
Maybe I don't wanna go.
Can't you wait?
Maybe I don't wanna go.

I should have asked, I could have helped.
At least a fucking thousand times before.
Will this offer get me in.
Or does this prove that they gave more?

From "Letters to God." By Box Car Racer.

Matt's knocks stopped and I lay against the door. Cold sharp breaths gasped from my mouth as I failed to comprehend what had just happened to me. There was a thin cut along my throat were Jake had pressed too hard with the knife. It marked me like he had. I lay there playing the events over and over in my head. I felt the same words flow through my mind over and over again.

"Nothing happened. You're okay because nothing happened."

But I couldn't believe these words no matter how I tried. I didn't feel like myself anymore and my hands shook as I tried to light a cigarette. I finally got it lit and waited for the familiar wave of relief but it never came. I had been abandoned by my coping mechanism and didn't know what to do. I lay back against the door again and wept. I had cried before but never like this. Harsh little sobs repeatedly left my mouth untill I felt so empty it was hard to stay awake.

"Riley open the door. Please open the door."

The voice was familiar. It was Ryan. I remembered the first time we were together. I remembered watching him for all those long summer days. I remembered the lust, the love, the feelings he sent shooting through my body.

"Riley please."

I stood up and opened the door.

"Riley.... I'm so sorry man. Come on let's find someone to help you."

"What are you talking about man?"

Nothing happened. Nothing happened. He had to understand that nothing happened.

"Riley, Matt told me what happened."

"I don't know what your talking about man."

"Riley are you ok?"

"Yeah I'm fine."

"Why are you crying then?"

"I miss you."

"Riley I know your scared man. We can get you help and things will be better."

"I DON'T NEED HELP!" I screamed at him.

I couldn't control myself. The lie was becoming harder to keep up. I didn't believe it and as much as I was trying to I just couldn't.

"It's ok." Ryan soothed as he held me.

"Come on I'll call your Mam and Mike."

"No, I don't want them to know."

"Riley they have to know."

"No they don't. I'll be fine Ryan. I'm over it already."

"Riley he raped you. You need to get to a hospital." Thin tears began to stream down Ryan's face.

"I'm.......I... I hate him Ryan. I hate him so much."

"I know man. I know." Ryan soothed.

"He forced himself on me. He kept on saying these wierd rhymes. He had a knife against my throat. I didn't want to. He forced me Ryan. He forced me."

"I know Ri. I know."

I sat down on a couch in the sittingroom and lit another cigarette hoping it might have some effect. I overheard Ryan on the phone to my Mam and then his Mam. Within minutes his Mam's car pulled into our drive.

"Riley. Where are you?"

"Oh my god baby. Oh my god."

She held me in her arms and got me a hot drink and a blanket.

"Your Mam will be here real soon angel."

I felt better in her arms. I felt safe. She held me secure in her arms. I began to feel a shake in my right hand that spread through my body. Jake's rhymes kept playing over and over in my mind. As I heard the words I began to shake and I had to light another cigarette.

"Oh baby no. Those things will kill you."

I ignored her and took slow, deep drags. She held me tighter and I felt her tremble as she began to cry.

"I'm sorry Riley. It should be you crying not me."

I didn't have a response so I kept quiet. I heard my Mam and Mike come in the door.

"Where is he? Where's Riley."

My Mam was shaking and Mike had a look of shock on his face. My Mam began to cry when she saw me and she sat down next to me and held me tight against her. Mike called the police and they arrived with an ambulance shortly afterwards.

"Can I go to the bathroom first?"

"Are you ok to go by yourself?"

"Yeah."

I stepped into the bathroom preparing myself for the hospital and the questions. It just didn't feel worth it anymore. My eyes remained focused on the glass front of the medicine cabinet. Without warning I punched it, scaring even myself. I ran my wrist over a jagged lump of glass. I fell to the ground and felt a wierd sense of relief as I phased out. The last thing I saw was Mike come crashing through the door.

When I woke up I was in a hospital. I went to stretch but couldn't. My arms and legs were bound.

"I'm sorry baby. We have to be sure you won't hurt yourself."

My Mam walked over and kissed me on the cheek.

"I love you so much Riley. You can't leave me."

"I won't. I just felt so......."

"It's ok baby. I understand."

"He did stuff to me Mam."

"I know baby. Matt and Ryan told the police everything."

"He had a knife against my throat. I didn't want to do it."

"It's ok honey. I know you didn't. It's not your fault."

"Where's Ryan?"

"He's at home. Only family can see you for the first while."

"Oh. I wanna see him now."

"I know baby. I'm sure you can see him tommorow."

"I wanna see him now. He understands me."

"I understand you baby."

"Not like him."

"Baby I understand he's your best friend but I'm your Mother."

"Just get him for me. Please."

"Honey I can't, I'll call his Mam, you can see him first thing tommorow. Ok?"

"Ok."

Mike came in and they sat by my bed looking upset. I was feeling better, mostly because I was totally refusing to remember what had happened. I had blocked it from my mind and I felt better.

"I love you guys." I smiled.

Denial was the best medicine for me. It had worked before and it would work again.