Date: Sun, 18 Aug 2013 21:44:40 -0700 From: B.E. Kelley Subject: Timshel This story is a work of FICTION. The events described are my own invention. Any similarities to actual events or persons are strictly coincidental. The author retains the copyright, and any other rights, to this original story. You may not publish it or any part of it without my explicit authorization. This story contains depictions of consensual sexual acts between teenage males. It is intended for mature audiences only. If you find this type of material offensive or if you are under the legal age to read said material; please proceed no further. Comments are always welcome at: hailcaesar2011@hotmail.com Oh yeah, Calum is pronounced KAY-Lum. Timshel "Calum, Calum!" "What?" I giggled, as mom tickled me in the ribs. "You should sign up," said Mom. "Sign up for what?" "Weren't you listening?" "Uh, no," I replied. "The church needs a new pianist, you should sign up," said mom. "Are you high?" "Oh Calum," mom sighed, my step-dad just gave me a wink and a pat on the shoulder. After that, I crossed my arms over my chest, slouched low in our pew and brooded. It's not that I hated church, or at least I didn't use to, it's just that since I figured out I was gay, I haven't felt so welcome. I don't go to one of those churches where they preach against gays and talk about how we're all going to hell, I just don't believe in God anymore, how could I, after what happened to me? My dad was my best friend, even after my parent's divorce, we remained close. He taught me everything, how to throw a wicked curve ball, how to sneak my dog into the house so my mom wouldn't know, even how to tie my shoes. He coached soccer and little league, he always told me how proud he was of me and how much he loved me, he always gave me hugs, and then I ruined everything by telling him I was gay. That was almost a year ago, a few days after I turned 14, but the memory still haunts me and I don't know if it will ever go away. I was visiting my dad, he wasn't able to see me on my birthday, he was in Maine on business, but he made up for it by taking me to a Red Sox game and then out for dinner. I had to tell him, I hadn't told anyone yet and my dad was my buddy, surely he'd understand where I was coming from. I was quiet on the drive home, it's a two hour drive from Boston to our little town of Northfield, Vermont and shortly after we crossed the border back into our state, I found my voice. "Hey dad, can I talk to you about something?" I asked, timidly. "Sure you can tiger, anything, you know that," dad smiled at me. "It's kinda personal." "Is it about a girl?" he grinned. "Um, no, definitely not that," I blushed. "Ok," said dad, as he pulled to the side of the road, "now, you have my full attention, what's up?" "Well, I'm 14 now and well, you know how all my friends are chasing girls and stuff?" I asked. "Calum, I told you, there is nothing wrong with being a late bloomer, you've always been shy, it's only natural that it would take a little longer for you to get interested in girls," said dad. "I know and that's what I thought too but see, it's not that I'm a late bloomer, it's that um, I'm not thinking about girls because um, I'm interested in er, boys," I stuttered. "Calum, what are you saying?" asked dad, his hands tightened on the steering wheel. "That, I think uh, well, no that's not right, I don't think, I know, I'm um, gay." "I see, and you've given this a lot of thought?" asked dad, calmly. "It's not really something you think about, it just is what it is," I explained. "That's what you think?" asked dad. "It's what I know," I replied. "Ok," said dad, as he pulled back onto the road. "That's it, you don't want to talk about this?" I asked. I hoped he'd have some kind of fatherly advice for me. I was scared, afraid of what all my friends would think, I could have used a few words of wisdom. "I want you to think about everything you just told me and when we get home, we'll talk, ok?" said dad. "Yeah, I guess so." Dad looked over at me curiously, slapped my knee, gave me a weak smile and then concentrated on his driving. For the next hour, he didn't say a word. When we got back to dad's house, we went inside but he still wasn't talking. "So I'm going to go change," I announced, dad just nodded his head and turned away. I didn't think anything of it at the time, I'd dropped a bombshell on the old man and I figured he just needed time to think about it. I kicked off my sneakers and shucked off my jeans, then started digging through my bag for a pair of pajama bottoms. I was standing there in my t-shirt and undies when dad knocked on my door. "Yeah?" I asked. "Calum, can I come in?" "Yeah sure," I replied. I went back to digging through my bag, I wasn't concerned about dad seeing me in my undies, it wasn't like he hadn't seen them before. "Calum, turn around," said dad. "Just a sec, I can't find my pj's," I replied. "That can wait, I need to ask you something," said dad. "Oh, ok," I answered and turned to face him. "Son, did you think about the things I asked you to think about on the ride home?" "Yeah dad but like I said, there isn't really anything to think about, this is just how I am," I explained, didn't he understand that? I didn't choose this. "I see," dad sighed, "bend over." "Uh, what?" "I said, bend over." "But why, I don't understand," I asked, giving him a quizzical look. "I SAID BEND OVER!" dad shouted, he grabbed me by the scruff of my neck, forced me on my knees and bent me over my bed. I was frightened, dad had never shouted at me before, or grabbed me like that, he was hurting me. His hand was strong around my neck and my heart was beating a million times a minute. When I heard him undoing his belt, I started to panic. "Dad, what are you doing, you're hurting me," I whimpered. He didn't say anything, his only response was the sharp sting of leather as it snapped against the tender skin of my bottom. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH," I screamed. "I, did, not, raise, you, to, be, a, faggot!" dad shouted, hitting me with his belt between each word. Tears were streaming from my eyes, my butt and upper thighs felt like they were on fire. "AHHHHHHHHHHHH," I screamed, "please daddy, please stop." "Don't, you, ever, call, me, that, again!" he shouted. He kept beating me, he was unhinged and no matter how much I begged and pleaded, he wouldn't stop. He called me the most hateful names, faggot, cock sucker, queer. I couldn't believe this was happening, never in my worst nightmares did I think my father would ever hurt me. "Please daddy, please, I love you," I cried. For a moment, he stopped. I thought maybe I had gotten through to him but when I turned to face him, he slapped me across the cheek. He picked up his belt again and beat me until my ass was raw. That's when I started praying, please God, please make him stop, please, it hurts so much. Begging may father hadn't helped, I turned to the only hope for salvation I had and begged my God but my cries still fell on deaf ears. When he finally stopped hitting me, dad was panting for breath and I could feel blood trickling down my thighs. "Clean yourself up and go to bed, your mother is picking you up in the morning. I never want to see you again." I laid there for a long time, crying, sobbing into my pillow until I couldn't cry anymore. I picked myself up from the floor and hobbled to the bathroom, it was hard to walk with my butt and thighs so raw and bloody. In the bathroom, I peeled my briefs off and found blood stains on the white cotton. I used a damp washcloth to clean my wounded body, I couldn't see much but it hurt like hell. When I was finished, I put my soiled underwear in my bag, climbed into bed and cried myself to sleep. The next morning, I got dressed and laid down on my tummy, it hurt too much to sit or lay on my backside. Dad never knocked on my door, he let me stay in there until I heard my mom's horn honking from the driveway. I didn't say goodbye, I grabbed my bag and ran out the door, I found mom standing by her car, waiting for me, as I came out to the yard. "Hi honey," mom smiled, and gave me a big hug. Her touch was so soft, her embrace so warm, all I wanted to do was cry and tell her what happened to me but I couldn't. I'd have to tell her why it happened. I was so embarrassed, my dad beat me because I'm a faggot, besides, what would she think? Maybe she'd hate me too. "Where's your dad?" asked mom, normally he followed me out and they would talk for a moment before we left. "He's inside, can we go?" I asked nervously. "Ok," said mom, but she knew something was wrong, I know her voice, I know that tone. It hurt, getting in the car, my butt was still raw and sitting on it sent pain through my body, but I bit back my tears and sat there, buckling my seatbelt. "Calum, are you ok sweetheart?" "I'm fine, can we just go home?" "Alright, did you and your dad have a fight?" asked mom, as she backed out of the driveway. "I don't want to talk about it." She let it drop for the moment but I knew she'd bring it up again. That's the kind of mom she is, she wasn't going to let me brood for long, she'd give me a little time and space, but if I didn't tell her what was wrong, she'd eventually start asking questions and wouldn't stop until she got the answers she was looking for. When we got home, I dropped my bag in the mud room and ran straight upstairs. I didn't even stop to say hi to my step-dad, which was unusual because Jeff and I are buddies, and it didn't go unnoticed. When I got to my room, I took off my pants and underwear, my butt was burning. I went into my bathroom, splashed some cold water on my tender skin and then slipped under my sheets and hugged my pillow. The biggest mistake I made was not bringing my bag with me. Mom and Jeff were downstairs and they were talking about my weird behavior. Mom said she would give me some space and talk to me before dinner, then she took my bag into the laundry room and started throwing things in the washer. That's when she found my bloody briefs and immediately ran up to my room. "Calum, what is this?" mom demanded, as she stormed into my room, waving my bloody underpants at me. I looked up at her and then burst into sobs, I buried my face in my pillow and wished this would all just go away. Jeff saw mom run up the stairs in a panic and a few seconds after she burst through my door, he caught up with her. "What's going on?" asked Jeff. Mom didn't answer him but she must have shown him the bloody underwear because the next words out of his mouth were, "oh my God." Mom came over to me and pulled the sheet away, I felt cool air against my hot, bruised skin. "Calum, did your father do this to you?" mom sniffled, I could hear the horror in her voice. "Yes," I moaned into my pillow. "Ok, this bruising is really bad, we're going to take you over to the emergency room and have a doctor take a look," said mom. "Mom, no, please," I whined. "I'm sorry honey but if it's not treated, some of those wounds might get infected," she replied. They took me to the doctor and while he examined me, mom and Jeff spoke with the police. Someone came in and took pictures of my bruised, naked butt and after that, I never had to see my father again. Mom told me later that she agreed not to press charges against him, so long as he signed away all of his parental rights, he didn't even have to think about it, he signed the paperwork on the spot. Mom couldn't leave things alone, just because she didn't love my dad anymore didn't mean she thought he'd been a bad father to me, all these years. She refused to believe that a man who had been so devoted to his son could turn on him for no reason. When I told her the reason, she was disgusted, but not with me. Mom accepted my homosexuality, so did Jeff, in fact, they were kind of great about it but it still didn't make me feel better about my dad. One day, a month after it happened, mom picked me up after school and I asked her a question that had been on my mind since that terrible night. "Mom, why do you think he did it?" I asked. "Why did who do what, sweetie?" she asked, as she pulled out into traffic. "Dad, you know, when he hurt me, it's not my fault I'm gay, I didn't ask to be," I stated. "Calum, it's nothing you did, your dad is the one with the problem," said mom. "Did he ever hit you, when you were married?" I asked. "No, he never abused me, we just fell out of love, we didn't have anything in common anymore. We thought divorcing would be the best thing for us and for you," said mom. "He hit me so hard, he was so angry," I sniffled. "You can't blame yourself Calum, what your father did was evil, he needs to ask God for forgiveness," said Mom. "Pssh, God, there is no God," I replied. "Honey, don't say that," said mom. "Why not, it's true," I whined, "when I was laying there and dad was beating me with that belt, I begged God to make him stop, I begged God to make him love me but he just kept hitting me. What kind of God lets something like that happen?" "Oh baby," said mom, as she pulled over and hugged me tight, I hadn't even realized that I was crying. That was the day that God died, not the night my father beat me but right then, in the car with mom. It wasn't that God let me get beaten to a bloody pulp, it was that my mom couldn't explain why God let it happen. I didn't want to hear any of that "God works in mysterious ways," crap, he doesn't work in mysterious ways because he doesn't exist. A year later, I still hadn't changed my mind, God wasn't real but there I sat, in his church, arms crossed over my chest, trying to ignore the fairytale being spun from the pulpit. "Calum, sit up," said mom, with a rough poke to the ribs. "Owe, what now?" I complained. "They're about to introduce the new minister," said mom, "sit up." I rolled my eyes and sat up. So that's why mom wanted me to come today. For the last year, she and Jeff will knock on my door on Sunday morning and ask if I want to come to church with them, I say no and they leave me alone. The only time that hasn't worked was Christmas Eve and Easter, when mom told me to "get your heathen ass dressed and in the car in five minutes or you're grounded for a week." Today wasn't a holiday but it was important to her, we were getting a new minister and she wanted to present us as a happy family. I paid attention for my mom's sake but if you've seen one new minister, you've seen them all. Pastor Jon Royce seemed like a typical minister and his wife seemed like a typical minister's wife but when his son stepped from behind the pulpit and I saw him for the first time, he took my breath away. "...and this is our son Robin, he's 14 and looking forward to joining the choir..." Pastor Royce was saying. I tuned him out after that, all I could do was stare in awe of his perfect son. Robin was my age and looked about my size, 5'7" and 125 pounds, his hair was light blond, his eyes were pale blue and his skin was like fresh milk. He was wearing a pink button down with a pair of khakis and the color really brought out the blue in his eyes. I've heard about people falling in love at first sight and I always thought that was stupid, until it happened to me, there in that church. As soon as the service broke up, I had to meet Robin. I found him in the social hall, while the rest of the congregation was lining up to meet his parents, Robin was helping himself to some punch and a cookie. "Hi," I smiled, when I approached him. "Hi," he smiled back. "Um, my names Calum Hazelwood," I blurted out like an idiot. I've never had the guts to introduce myself to a boy I was attracted to before, I always figured people who got tongue tied over that kind of thing, like you see on TV, must be idiots, but my tongue felt like lead in my mouth. "It's nice to meet you, Calum, I'm Robin Royce," he smiled and shook my hand. "Calum, that's an unusual name." "Yeah, I'm named after my grandpa, it's really, really Scottish," I blushed. "It's unique, I like it," said Robin. "Thanks...so you're 14?" I asked. "That's right, almost 15 though," said Robin. "Me too, my birthday's next month," I replied. "Cool." "Have you started school yet?" "Tomorrow's my first day, I'm going to Briarwood," said Robin. "Oh, that's too bad, I go to..." I started. "Forest Lawn," Robin finished for me. "How did you know that?" "From your jacket," Robin smiled. "Oh, right," I blushed. Our town is so small that we don't have our own high school, depending on where you live you either go to Forest Lawn or Briarwood, in neighboring towns. It's always cold in the social hall so as soon as the service was over, I put my coat on. I was wearing my green varsity jacket with the black leather sleeves, a varsity FS was emblazoned on my chest. "Do you play football?" asked Robin. "Oh no, my mom wouldn't let me try out, she thinks I'm too small," I admitted, "this is for soccer." "You made varsity as a freshman?" asked Robin, "that's pretty cool." "Well, it's a small school, I guess they didn't have enough upperclassmen to fill out the team," I replied modestly. "Ah, I'm sure you're just being humble, you're probably really good," he smiled. "Thanks," I blushed, "do you play any sports?" "No, sports have never really been my thing, I'm into singing and acting, I'm really looking forward to being in the choir," said Robin. "That's cool, I'm playing baseball now but I only made JV," I explained. "It's too bad we won't be going to the same school, I bet you're fun to hang out with," said Robin. "Oh, I don't know," I blushed and looked down at my feet. "Well anyway, it was nice meeting you Calum, I see my dad's looking for me though, I'll catch you later," said Robin. He flashed me another smile and then he was gone. God I'm a dork, I couldn't stop blushing the entire time he was talking. It sucked that we wouldn't be at the same school, he was a freshman like me, we would have had most of our classes together and we could have hung out at lunch. I couldn't stand the idea of only seeing Robin on Sundays, I wanted to be his friend, I wanted to spend time with him and get to know him, I wanted to see that smile as often as I could. My schedule is pretty busy, I have school and then baseball practice afterwards and I can only go where my mom is willing to drive me, but then I had an idea. I went to find the church music director, before he headed home. "Hey mom, can you drop me off at church Tuesday, after baseball practice?" I asked on the ride home, "I can walk home from there." "Sure honey but why?" asked mom, like I told you, church wasn't exactly the place I hung out lately. "Oh, um I talked to Mr. Wilson and I decided that I would go ahead and be the church pianist," I replied, "he needs me to practice with the choir on Tuesdays and Thursdays." "Wow, when I suggested you sign up, I didn't really think you would. Are you feeling ok?" mom teased. "Yeah, I just thought it would be good to get a little more practice," I replied. "You don't get enough practice with your piano at home?" asked Jeff. "I just thought it would be fun, geez," I complained. I saw mom and Jeff trade a knowing look in the rearview mirror, I didn't know what that was about but I didn't care. My mind was on Robin and how I'd get to see him at each practice. When mom picked me up from baseball practice on Tuesday, I was still wearing my practice clothes, a green Forest Lawn baseball t-shirt, grey baseball pants and green socks. Practice ran late that day and I didn't have time to change, mom offered to stop by the house so I could shower first but then I would have been really late. I went to my first choir practice wearing sweaty, dusty clothes and smelling like a locker room. It's lucky for me that the piano is off to the side, if the choir had been close enough to smell me, there might have been a riot. Robin was perfect, he walked in wearing jeans and a black t-shirt over a long sleeve white t-shirt. He greeted the other members of the choir, some of them smiled and shook his hand because they are genuinely nice people, others did so because they thought sucking up to the ministers kid would help them suck up to the minister himself. When he saw me sitting by the piano, Robin smiled at me and waved. That simple gesture made me so happy, I was grinning like an idiot and Mr. Wilson had to call my name twice to get my attention. The choir was singing two hymns the next Sunday, Ode to Joy and Take my Yolk Upon You. They were simple pieces and I had no trouble playing them, we ran through each song a few times and when we were finished, Robin told Mr. Wilson that he would put away all the music stands. It wasn't a big deal, he lived right next door, with his family, in the church parsonage, so Mr. Wilson agreed and went home. I stayed behind and made it a point to look like I was going over the music we'd be playing over the next several weeks, but I was really watching Robin. When he was done with the music stands, he plopped down next to me on the piano bench. "So do you always dress so formally for church, or is it just on days you have to come to choir practice?" Robin teased. "Oh, no, see, I was at practice and it ran long and I didn't have time to change and..."I rattled on. "Take it easy, I'm just teasing you, I figured it was something like that," Robin smiled. "Oh, right, sorry," I blushed. "What position do you play anyway?" asked Robin. "Second base and I do some pitching." "Cool, think I could come to a game sometime?" "You want to watch me play?" "Sure, I may not play baseball but I like to watch, it would be fun to watch a friend play," said Robin. He called me a friend, it made my chest feel warm, like when your mom gives you cough medicine. "Ok, I'll bring you a schedule and you can pick which game you want to come to," I smiled. Oh my God, he wants to watch me play! "You're an interesting combination, Calum." "Oh yeah?" "Yeah, I haven't met many jock-pianists," he smiled. "Oh, well, I've been playing for a long time, since I was 6," I smiled. "Wow, you must be really good, better than this church crap," Robin grinned, wickedly. "Yeah, this stuff is pretty easy, not much of a challenge," I agreed. "So play something else for me, let's see what you've got," Robin smiled. "Uh, I don't know, I mean I don't have any sheet music," I blushed. "Come on, you've been playing since you were 6, you don't need any sheet music, I bet you can play anything you want," Robin encouraged. He was smiling at me again and all my will power vanished, I couldn't say no to him. He was so pretty and all he wanted was for me to play him a song. I thought about it for a second and decided that if I was going to play for him, I should try and dazzle him. I cracked my knuckles, flexed my fingers, placed them on the keys and then let the music flow. Strawberry Swing by Coldplay is one of my favorites and soon the music was reverberating off the walls of the choir room. When I finished the piece, I found myself panting for breath, I'd given it my all. "Whoa, I figured you could play but that was sick," Robin exclaimed. "You liked it?" "Yeah, I really liked it," said Robin. His hand came down on the keyboard and his index finger brushed against mine, then he held it there. I turned to face him and our eyes locked, blue starred into green and then he looked down at our hands. He started to stroke the back of my hand with his index finger, slowly and gently. I sat there for a moment and let him pet me but the feeling was so intense that I got a boner and panicked. I was still wearing my baseball pants and they were too tight to hide my erection, if he saw me like this, he'd know what I was for sure. "So uh, I have a lot of homework, I better get going," I blurted out, as I jumped up from my seat and turned away from him. "Calum, I'm sorry, I didn't mean anything by it," said Robin. Wow, he thinks he did something wrong, if only he knew. "No, no, it's ok, I'm just late, you know dinner and stuff. I'll see you Thursday," I replied, then bolted for the door. I ran from the church, ran down the street, ran all the way home in fact. When I got to my house I burst through the door and then rested against it while I caught my breath. Jeff saw me and looked out the window theatrically. "Uh, what are you doing?" I asked. "Looking for the dogs or the street gang that chased you home from choir practice," he snickered. "Very funny, I just ran home because, well, because I need the exercise is all," I replied. "Sure, because you don't get enough of that at practice," Jeff quipped. "Coach says that we should all run more," I defended. "Whatever you say kid, don't go getting weird on me," Jeff joked and clapped me on the shoulder. I rolled my eyes and went up to my room. I laid down on my bed but as soon as I put my hands behind my head to relax, I could smell my pits and decided on a shower instead. All through dinner and throughout the night, I couldn't stop thinking about what happened with Robin and the way he touched me. It was such an intimate gesture, boys don't do that, stroke each other's hands, at least not normal boys. Maybe I shouldn't have been afraid for him to see my erection, maybe he had one too? I started to feel like an idiot, the way I ran out of there, he must have thought I was scared he was going to attack me or something. If only he knew how much I wished he would. I spent a lot of time thinking about what it would be like to touch Robin again and even to kiss him. His lips were pouty and perfect, his teeth were so white and he had this bright, shining smile like something out of a toothpaste commercial. I bet his lips are soft and I bet they would feel so good against mine. I wanted to kiss him, wanted to feel those lips with my own but then I started to feel guilty. Boys aren't supposed to kiss, I was a freak, a faggot, a queer, my own father said so. My thoughts drifted away from Robin and back to that night, the night my father beat me. The memory was so vivid that I could almost feel the heat the belt lashes left on my bottom. I had to put my desire to kiss Robin aside, he wasn't like me, he was a ministers kid. I couldn't figure out why he touched me like he did but it had to be an innocent reason. I was ashamed for thinking I could kiss him, I didn't want to afflict him with my disease or worse, make him hate me like my dad. I did my best to purge him from my mind and since I didn't see him the next day, it was easy. It got a little harder when I got to choir practice on Thursday, Robin walked in and when he saw me, he smiled and gave me a little wave. I just ignored him and that hurt, he was so friendly and I was treating him like crap but what else could I do? If I let him get close, he might touch me again and if I let him get close, he might figure out what I was. I didn't want to hurt him, I didn't want to hurt anyone but the safest thing to do was to continue ignoring him. After a few weeks of the cold shoulder, Robin stopped smiling at me when he walked into practice, the little waves were gone too, I thought he'd forgotten me completely, until one afternoon in May. Practice was over and I was sitting at the piano, going over some sheet music for a new piece. I hadn't played this piece before so I actually needed to study it. I didn't notice that everyone else had filed out and that I was alone with Robin, I didn't notice until he sat next to me on the piano bench. "Hi," said Robin. "Hey. "Calum, can I ask you something?" "Yeah, I guess so." "Why are you so shy?" "What do you mean?" "I can't figure it out, you play soccer and baseball, most jocks are pretty cock. You're the best pianist I know, and talent usually breads confidence too. You've got those beautiful green eyes and I love the why your silky brown hair falls on your forehead like that," said Robin, as he reached out to brush the hair off my forehead with his fingers, "you've got so much going for you, so why are you so timid around me?" "Robin, don't," I sighed. "Don't what? Don't touch you like this?" asked Robin, he was caressing my cheek now. "Yeah," I blushed. "Why not? Don't you like it?" "I do but... you shouldn't touch me like this, it's wrong," I replied. "Says who? What's wrong with it?" asked Robin. "Boys shouldn't touch each other like this." "Because it's gay?" asked Robin. "Yeah," I blushed. "So, so are you, aren't you?" "Why do you say that?" I snapped, nervously. "Because, I see how you look at me when you don't think anyone is watching and I'm still touching your face and you haven't pushed my hand away," said Robin. He was right, even then, after he said it, I couldn't push his hand aside, his touch felt so good, so natural, so right. All I could do was blush and look down. "Hey," said Robin, tilting my chin up to meet his eyes, "it's ok, I'm gay too." "You don't understand," I sighed. "I think I do. Calum, did someone hurt you?" asked Robin. "What?" I asked, I pulled away from him, scared to death that he somehow knew my shame. "I thought so," Robin sighed, then put his hands on my shoulders, "you don't have to tell me what happened if you don't want to and you don't have to be scared, I'm not going to say anything to anyone." "You swear?" "Cross my heart and hope to die," he smiled. "I've been kind of a jerk to you, why are you being nice to me," I just had to know, I thought I knew, I knew what my instincts were telling me but I needed to hear him say it, I needed him to make it real. "I had a boyfriend back home, you know, before we moved here," Robin admitted. "I, I didn't know," I replied, stupidly. Duh, how would I know? "I'm gay, my parents love me and accept me but I don't' go around advertising it," Robin smirked, "but I had a boyfriend." "So what's that have to do with me?" "I liked having a boyfriend, someone to talk to, share my secrets with, you know how it is," said Robin, "and I'd like to have another one." "Wait, you mean...me?" "Course I do," he smiled. "But you hardly know me!" I exclaimed. "That's not exactly true, people in this congregation talk a lot, all I had to do was mention your name to a few people and I heard all kinds of stories," Robin smiled. "You've been spying on me?" I demanded. "More like checking you out," said Robin, "see, when I first met you, all I saw was the pretty face, the beautiful eyes and the athletic body and it sent my heart to fluttering. I wasn't sure about you until you played the piano for me though, that's when I knew, so when you ignored me I had to learn about you from other people." "Knew what?" I practically whispered "Do you believe in love at first sight?" asked Robin. "I didn't but then...well, you came," I blushed. "I thought I loved you the moment I met you, then you played the piano for me and that sealed the deal," said Robin, "I'm not head over heels for some pretty jock boy, you have substance and a beautiful soul." "I, I don't know what to say," I couldn't believe what I was hearing. "You don't have to say anything," said Robin, that's when it happened. It was soft, gentle and sweet, his lips met mine and they were just as wonderful as I dreamed they would be. It was the greatest thing I'd ever felt in my life, his kiss chased all my fears away. "So I guess the point of all this is, Calum, I want you to be my boyfriend." "I, well, I...yes, I want that too," I finally smiled. He hugged me then and sealed the bond with another sweet kiss. From then on, Robin and I were almost inseparable. He was always at my house or I was at his, but there were always people around. Choir practice was our special time, or rather after choir practice, when he would stay to put away the music stands and I would go over sheet music. Soon we would find ourselves alone, we would kiss and hold each other, nothing to serious but it meant the world to me. A month later, it was June and as the season came to an end, Robin came to my last baseball game. I'd like to say I scored a home run and won the big game but that's something out of a fairytale, I did hit a single and a double and when I was fielding, I caught a grounder and tagged a guy out when he tried to steal my base. It wasn't great baseball but when it was over, Robin showered me with his bright, shining smile. Mom and Jeff were there too and when we were ready to leave, they drove us home. I wasn't there for long though, I was staying the night at Robin's for the first time and all I really did was collect my bag. I didn't even take the time to change out of my uniform because Robin whispered in my ear that he thought it was cute. I wanted to stay in it and be cute for him as long as possible. It was a short walk to Robin's house and when we got there, his mom informed us that dinner would be ready soon and I knew I needed to shower and change. What was cute for Robin might come off as grass stained and stinking of sweat to his parents. Robin led me up to his room and kicked back on his bed, while I started taking off my uniform. I've dressed and undressed in front of other boys all my life, I didn't think anything of stripping in front of Robin, until he started giggling. "What?" I asked, when I looked over and saw his cheeks blushing. "I can see your butt," he giggled. I forgot that I was only wearing a jockstrap under my baseball pants. The entire time I was pulling fresh clothes from my bag, I was shooting Robin the moon. "Oh, uh, sorry about that," I blushed, then put my hands behind me to cover my bottom, that only made him laugh more. "You're so sweet," said Robin, as he walked over and kissed me, then he snapped my jock against my butt. "Owe!" I exclaimed and rubbed my cheek as if that had hurt. "Shower quick, my mom made roast, I don't want to be late," Robin urged. I took a quick shower and dressed even quicker. I found Robin downstairs, helping his mom set the table. I have to admit that I was a little nervous about eating with Pastor Jon, he'd always been nice to me but I was afraid that dinner would be one prayer after another and then who knows what. I know it's stupid, ministers are regular people too and I needn't have been afraid. Pastor Jon was just as hungry as me and Robin and after he said grace, he wolfed down roast and potatoes with us. I had a lot of fun with Robin's family. Dinner was fantastic, then we played games and watched TV. The entire time we were with his parents, Robin never shied away from me, he touched me, held my hand, he had no problem with his parents knowing about us and they had no problem with it either. I felt so at ease with the Royce's, even when we were watching a movie and Robin rested his head on my thigh as if it were a pillow. When it was time for bed, it was my turn to laugh at Robin's undies. I'd never seen him without his clothes before, I never shared a locker room with him so I was curious. I stood by his dresser and watched as he took off his t-shirt and threw it on the floor and then shimmied out of his jeans. That's when I started giggling. "What's so funny, is this payback?" he smiled. "I've never seen a boy in pink undies before." "Oh, don't you like them?" asked Robin, then he wiggled his butt at me for good measure. They were just simple briefs with the acceptation of them being pink, trimmed in white, they were just regular boys underwear. They came from American Apparel, I found out later that Robin bought a lot of his underwear there. "Yeah, I like them, they look really cute on you," I blushed. Robin crossed the distance and kissed me, then he looked into my eyes and before I could kiss him back, he bolted for the bed. "Hurry up and strip, I'm cold," he giggled. I quickly shed my t-shirt and shorts, leaving me in my plain white Hanes. I have a couple of black pairs, I don't know why I didn't think to wear them, that would have been sexier than my tighty whities. But Robin didn't care, once I got in bed with him, he put his arms around me and snuggled up close, I could feel every inch of his flesh pressed against mine. "Wow," I sighed. "What?" "I've never slept in a bed with my boyfriend before," I explained. "I've missed it, Tommy was a good snuggler, but I like the look of you, Calum Hazelwood, I think you have potential," Robin teased. "About Tommy, did you do other things with him?" I asked. "Sure, lots of things," Robin replied and flashed me a coy smile. "Come on, you know what I mean." "Did we have sex?" asked Robin. "Yeah." "Yes," said Robin. "Oh." "Hey, just because I was with him, doesn't mean it won't be special when I'm with you," said Robin. "Oh no, that's not what I was getting at, it's just that, well, what's it like?" "Do you want to try it?" asked Robin. "What, you mean now?" I exclaimed, my heart pounding. "Sure, I mean my parents are just down the hall, we'll have to be quiet but you can gag me with your undies if you want," Robin grinned wickedly. "Robin!" Then he started laughing. "Honey, you're not ready for sex yet, I understand that and I'll never push you. When you're ready, we'll find a nice quiet place and go to town on each other," he giggled. "I was just curious is all," I pouted. "I know, but I can't really explain it, it has to be experienced," said Robin, "but we don't have to have full on sex for you to get a little experience, I know something we can do." "Oh yeah, what?" I asked, excitedly. He didn't answer me, he just kissed me. We've been kissing a lot, I was pretty timid at first but then he stuck his tongue in my mouth and well, I'll just say this, I LIKE FRENCH KISSING! Robin is really good at it too, I lie there, letting him take the lead, our tongues rubbed together and he put his hand on my tummy and traced circles around the soft skin. Robin does this thing where he bits my lower lip and pulls on it a little, then lets it snap back, I love that, then he did something different and started nibbling on my neck. The only evidence he needed of the effect he was having on me was the massive tent I'd popped in my briefs. I wasn't afraid for him to see my boner, not this time, he had one too, I could feel it pressing into my leg. I liked the feel of Robin's boner pushing at me, liked knowing that I had that effect on him. I was so at ease with him that I didn't even notice at first but slowly, he moved on top of me and slipped between my legs, I could feel his boner rubbing against mine. "Hey, what are you doing?" I asked. "Just relax and keep kissing, you don't have to do anything else," he smiled. We resumed our kissing and I put my arms around him, then he reached back and pulled my hand down, placing it on his pert little rump. I was a little nervous at first, then he moved my other hand down there as well and I let instinct take over, I started to squeeze his buns. Robin giggled into my mouth, not breaking our kiss, then he started to slowly move his hips up and down. It felt so good, his tent pushing and rubbing against mine, it was like jacking off times 1,000. I spread my legs wider and he moved faster, next thing I knew, I was thrusting my hips up to meet his and then it happened, I creamed my undies. "Oh, uh, geez I'm sorry," I blushed. "Don't be sorry, I did it too, that felt so good," Robin smiled. "We better change," I replied, still blushing. "No, leave it until tomorrow," said Robin. "But I'm all, you know, sticky." "I know, I like it," Robin smiled, then he reached over, turned out his lamp and snuggled up next to me. "Ok, I guess." "Nighty night Calum." "Nighty, Robin." At first the voices were muffled, it was like having someone talk to me while I was underwater, then the image cleared and so did the voices. "I see, bend over." "Uh, what?" "I said, bend over." "But why, I don't understand..." "I SAID BEND OVER!" "Dad, what are you doing, you're hurting me." SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" "I, did, not, raise, you, to, be, a, faggot!" SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! "AHHHHHHHHHHHH! Please daddy, please stop." "Don't, you, ever, call, me, that, again!" SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! "Please daddy, please, I love you." SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! "Clean yourself up and go to bed, your mother is picking you up in the morning. I never want to see you again." I woke with a start, panting for breath. I was confused at first, I didn't know where I was, then I rolled over and saw Robin. I remembered where I was, I also remembered what I'd done with him, the night before, and I felt ashamed. I climbed out of bed, careful not to wake Robin, took off my still damp underwear, threw them in my bag, slipped on my shorts and t-shirt and all but ran from the room. That nightmare scared me, I'd been so happy the night before, now I felt like I was being punished for what I'd done. It was still early morning, before dawn, and no one was stirring when I got downstairs but my heart was racing, I felt trapped. I couldn't just leave, even though every instinct in me was screaming RUN HOME! Instead, I went outside and sat on the Royce's back porch. There weren't any chairs so I sat on the floor with my back to the wall, looking out over the grounds, I wasn't there long when Robin's Golden Retriever, Axel, laid down beside me and put his head in my lap. I sat there, watching the sun come up and stroking Axel behind the ear. Not long after sunrise, Robin stumbled out onto the porch with a yawn. He'd put on a t-shirt and pajama bottoms, his hair was sticking up and he was still rubbing the sleep from his eyes but even as upset as I was, he'd never looked more beautiful. Robin slid down on the floor next to me, put his arm around my shoulder and snuggled close. "Are you ok?" said Robin. "No." "I'm sorry about last night, I knew I should have taken things slowly, you weren't ready, I shouldn't have..." "No, it's not you." "Oh...do you want to talk about it?" asked Robin. He's so sweet, so compassionate and he felt so warm against me, I couldn't help it, I put my arms around him, buried my face against his shoulder and cried. "Hey, hey, hey, don't get upset, it's ok," said Robin, as he rubbed up and down my back. It took me a couple of minutes to get control of myself but when I did, I knew I had to tell Robin what happened to me. If we were going to be together, he had to know, it wouldn't be fair to hide it from him, especially if I keep feeling like his. "You remember when you kissed me, you know, that first time?" I asked. "How could I forget, it's a memory I'll cherish all my life," said Robin. "Well, you were right, someone did hurt me." "I want to know, I want to help, but if it hurts too much, you don't have to talk about it," said Robin. "I want to talk about it, keeping it is what hurts, I'm never going to get over it if I don't talk about it," I reasoned. "Ok, do you want to go back up to my room?" "No, I like it out here," I replied, then started to pet Axel again. Robin sat quietly and let me gather my thoughts, but when I started talking, he proved to be a good listener. "So last year, about a week after my birthday, I told my dad I was gay," I began. "Your mom and dad seem really cool with it, did everything go ok?" asked Robin. "They're great, but Jeff's my step-dad, I'm talking about my real dad," I explained, "we were on our way back from Boston, he took me to see a Red Sox game for my birthday." "Awww that's sweet." "It was great, I had so much fun, we used to do stuff like that all the time, go to ball games or out fishing, you know, father son stuff," I stated. "Yeah." "We were driving home and I decided to tell him, me and my dad were buddies and I couldn't keep it in anymore, I was confused and I needed some fatherly advice." "Yeah, I know that feeling," said Robin. "He didn't really say much of anything and that was ok, I thought maybe he just needed some time to adjust to the idea." Robin didn't say anything, he just gave me a gentle squeeze, I think he could sense where I was going with this story. "When we got home, he came into my room, took off his belt and beat me bloody. He said that he didn't raise me to be a faggot, he called me every filthy name he could come up with, cock sucker, queer, faggot. That one stung the worst. When he was done, he told me that he never wanted to see me again. He beat me so bad that my mom had to take me to the emergency room. I haven't seen him since then, my mom got sole custody of me in exchange for not pressing charges against him. He beat me and then he just gave me away, so you see, after last night, I was feeling so happy then I had a nightmare, I relived that night and when I woke up, I just felt so ashamed." Robin didn't say anything, I paused at that point, I thought for sure he'd have something to say but when I looked up at him, he had tears running down his checks. I reached up to brush a tear from his cheek, that's when he looked down into my eyes. "I can't imagine how painful that must have been for you, Calum, if that happened to me, I just, I, well, I don't know what I'd do," said Robin "I'm so sorry you had to go through that." "The part that sucks the most is that sometimes I start thinking about the good times we had and forget about what he did to me, then I start to miss him," I added. We sat there for a long time after that, we held each other, we both cried but I felt safe in Robin's arms. "Thanks for sharing that with me, I know it was hard," said Robin. "Well, like I said, if we're going to be together, you have a right to know where I'm coming from when I get like this." "I understand, but Calum, I want you to know that you are never going to be alone again, I'll never let anything or anyone hurt you, I, I promise," Robin sniffled, "and you don't have anything to be ashamed of, there isn't anything wrong with being gay, it's just how we are. I'm sorry I pushed you last night, I promise to take things slowly from now on." "I know there isn't anything wrong with being gay, I really do, I just think about that night and how my dad just threw me away, I get upset sometimes but it never lasts long, I'll be ok and I don't want you to slow down," I replied. "Are you sure?" "I'm not saying I want to rush into doing more but last night was really great, I'm not going to let my dad ruin that for me, I just want you to be patient with me when I get into these, I don't know, moods," I stated. "I can do that," Robin smiled, then kissed me on the lips. I was being honest with Robin, this isn't the first time I've slipped into one of these funks and I know it won't be the last but they always pass within a day or so. After our talk on the porch, I was able to put my feelings behind me and enjoy the rest of my day. A week later, school got out for the summer and I spent all my time with Robin. We went hiking, I showed him my favorite swimming holes, we had a wonderful time exploring the countryside and each other. I learned that Robin was as good as his word, I could trust him, I did trust him, I kept no secrets from him and he kept none from me. I also knew I was completely in love with him, we'd both admitted to falling in love at first sight but it just grew with each passing day. I wanted to tell him how I felt but I wanted it to be special, the perfect opportunity came a week after my birthday. Jeff's 20 year high school reunion was being held the second week of July, he and mom were driving to Pittsburgh and I was going to stay the weekend with the Royce's. The best part was Friday night, Robin's mom and dad were going out on a date and we'd have the place to ourselves. Robin was just as excited about the prospects as I was, he said that we'd have our own date night, he was even going to make dinner, all I had to do was wear something nice. When I got to Robin's that night, his parents were already gone so I said a quick goodbye to mom and Jeff, then let myself in the front door. Robin didn't hear me come in, I found him in the kitchen, standing over the stove. I snuck up behind him, put my arms around his waist and kissed his neck by way of greeting. He jumped about ten feet in the air before he realized it was me. "Jesus Calum, you scared me!" "Awwww did wittle Wobin think the boogeyman was gonna get him?" I teased. "You know, that was in fact my first thought," he giggled. "What's for dinner?" I asked, with another kiss on the neck. "Chicken." I looked down into the pan and well, he tried hard but it didn't exactly look appetizing. "Is it burnt?" I asked. "No, it's Cajun, duh," Robin retorted. "If you say so," I smirked. "Yeah, yeah, it's just about done, why don't you get us some drinks and I'll meet you in the dining room, smart guy," said Robin. I gave him a smack on the butt then grabbed us each a bottle of Snapple from the fridge, Robin is crazy for peach iced tea. He joined me in the dining room a few seconds later, carrying two heaping plates of chicken and rice. I think it's so sweet that he wanted to cook me diner but three things became clear as soon as we started eating, one, the chicken was burned on the outside, two, it was raw on the inside and three, rice isn't supposed to be crunchy. "This is pretty crappy, isn't it?" Robin frowned. "What? It's good," I replied, trying to put on a happy face. "You're so full of crap," Robin giggled. "Ok, it's not great but it's the thought that counts." "So much for our date," Robin sighed. "Hey, just because the food didn't turn out doesn't mean our date's ruined, we just need to find something else to do." "True, hey, I've got an idea," said Robin. "I'm all ears," I smiled. "Nah, on second thought, you'll think it's stupid." "Will not," I assured him. "Ok, don't laugh but, well, would you dance with me?" "Uh, say what?" "See, I knew you'd think it was dumb," Robin pouted. "No, no, not at all. I just didn't see that coming, of course I'll dance with you," I smiled. "Ok, cool," said Robin, his smile practically glowing, "come on." He took my hand and pulled me from my chair, he was so excited he practically dragged me behind him. Robin led me back into the living room, then took my hand in one of his and put his other hand on my hip. He put his chin on my shoulder and leaned so close to me that our cheeks were pressed gently together. "This is nice, huh?" asked Robin. "It is, but there is one problem." "What, it's perfect." "Um, music would be good, helps with dancing," I quipped, "and I don't see a stereo or anything." "Pssh, stereo, you don't need a stereo, you've got me." Before I could ask him what that was supposed to mean, he started singing in my ear and swaying to the music. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7JiBLBOP6II "I met a boy on Halloween, well he was lost and I was drunk and it was dark and cold out when we left. As we walked the rain started, the leaves I've felt with every step and all around us people slept alone with their dreams. The wind came down from out the planes and blew the leaves out through the streets, I wondered how far leaves could really fly. Would they rest in several yards or make it to the city or would they end up in the river just to float away. He pointed to a small brick house and said it was where he grew up, the lights were out, he asked if we could stop for a while his hair was still just getting wet, water running down his neck, collecting in the hand printed cement beneath her feet. Apparently there had been a death, someone close had nothing left because he hadn't left him in the end. I saw him blush when I asked, if he always talked like that, he said it only happened when he drank and later on I felt his hand slipping into my cold fist. He promised me a kiss as soon as we got home, his costume had begun to tear, he ran ahead and turned to me, his laughter echoed through the empty streets." "That was really pretty," I whispered, when he'd finished. "Don't you just love Sea Wolf?" Robin blushed. "I love you." "I know, I love you too." "No, I mean it, I love you Robin." "I know, I mean it too, I love you Calum," he smiled brightly. No reply would have been sufficient, the best thing I could do was kiss him. Things got kind of blurry after that, somehow we made it into Robin's room and stripped off our clothes. I remember him in a cute pair of blue briefs but he wasn't in them long, soon we were naked, in his bed, kissing passionately. We'd hardly broken out kiss since we'd embraced in the living room, if we didn't have to come up for air, I don't think my lips would have left his. I have no idea how much time passed but eventually, Robin rolled on top of me, I felt him wiggling around and then he pulled away. He straddled over me and I could feel the head of my dick rubbing against the smooth cleft of his bottom. "Is this ok?" asked Robin. "Yeah," I blushed. "We don't have to if you're not ready." "I know, but, I want this." "Ok then, put your hands right here and hold me," said Robin, as he moved my hands to his hips. I held him in my hands, he's so smooth, so slender, so beautiful, I was enraptured, nothing could be more perfect then this moment, that is until he sank down on me. I felt the head of my dick push past his pucker, I was enveloped by this warm, tight opening that sent waves of pleasure through my entire body. "Ahhh," Robin moaned. "Are you ok?" "Yeah, I haven't done this in a while is all, and I think you're a little bigger then Tommy was," said Robin, "just let me ease into it." He took his time, slowly sliding his exquisite body down onto my erection. When his butt made contact with my pelvic bone, he seemed to relax a little, when he grew accustomed to the intrusion, he started to rock his hips slowly back and forth. We made gentle love, it didn't last long, I think we were both too excited for that but when it was over, neither of us felt more content. We snuggled close, whispered sweet nothings in each other's ears and then drifted off to a dreamless sleep. The next morning, I was the first one awake but this time, there was no guilt, no sense of shame. Instead, I pulled Robin close to me and watched my angel as he slept, when he woke, we kissed, got dressed and went downstairs for breakfast. If the Royce's knew what had taken place between us the night before, they kept it to themselves. It was a perfect Saturday, we lounged around the house, watching TV and kicking back, I couldn't tell you what was on, I was too busy staring at my lover. My lover, that's a phrase I didn't think I'd ever use, Robin has changed my life so much in just a short amount of time, I can hardly see myself as the boy I was when we met. Eventually though, reality came crashing in on us as it always does. Around noon, Pastor Jon sent us to the hardware store to pick up some screws for repairs he was making at the church. It was a beautiful summer day, we walked downtown to Headers Hardware and went to the back of the store where we encountered bin upon bin full of screws. "Uh, you don't happen to remember what size he wanted, do you?" asked Robin. "Maybe we should have written it down," I replied. "Oh well, that's what cell phones are for," Robin grinned, then he took my hand in his and held it. I looked around nervously but the store was empty, we were all alone in our aisle. I gave Robin a quick kiss on the cheek and continued to hold his hand while he pulled his phone from his pocket. "Calum?" said a familiar voice, though it had been over a year since I'd heard it. "Dad!" I exclaimed, when I turned and saw him standing there. Robin's phone slipped from his hand, I think he could sense the tension in my body, he must have, I squeezed his hand so tightly I'm shocked I didn't break it. Dad saw our hands entwined and glared at me with pure malice in his eyes, my heart was beating a mile a minute, I was terrified, paralyzed with fear. Dad seized me by the collar of my shirt and yanked me towards him, he pulled so hard that the force jerked my hand away from Robins. "What the hell do you think you're doing, what if someone saw you?" dad hissed. "I, I, I," I stammered. "Do you think I want the whole town knowing I've got a faggot for a son?" I couldn't even talk at that point, all I could do was flop my jaw up and down like a fish out of water. "Answer me when I'm talking to you, damn it," said dad, as he shook me. "Hey, let him go," said Robin, he grabbed me and dad by the forearm and tried to pull us apart. Dad let go of my shirt but only long enough to push Robin away. Robin stumbled back and tripped over his own feet, landing on the floor on his butt. At that moment, all of my fear vanished, replaced with blind rage, my fingers coiled into a fist and when dad turned his attention back to me, I met his sneer with a hard right. Dad stumbled back in shock, I hit him again, right, left and right again. When he went down, I pounced on top of him, I was unhinged. "DON'T, YOU, EVER, TOUCH, HIM!" I shouted, burying a punch in his face between each word. Once the anger started to flood to the surface, I couldn't stop it, it was like a damn was broken. I soon forgot that Robin was even there, all I could do was wail on my dad, punch after punch. "How could you do that to me you twisted fuck!" I shouted, "I was you're son, you were supposed to love me, you were supposed to accept me!" Dad's face was a bloody mess, my hands were coated with blood, my shirt and face were spattered. I didn't even realize I was crying until old Mr. Header pulled me away, kicking and struggling. "Calm down son, now, whatever happened, it's over, man's taken enough of a beating," said Mr. Header. I looked over at Robin, he was standing there in shock, his eyes were bugged out and his mouth hung open. I couldn't believe I'd done that, let alone in front of him, he looked disgusted. It was too much to take, I broke loose from Mr. Header and bolted out of the store. I ran down the street, I didn't know where I was going, I couldn't go home, I'd left my keys at the Royce's, I couldn't go back there, it would mean facing them and what I'd done, in the end, I ran to the creek that runs behind our houses. I found a quiet spot where no one would find me and as the adrenalin seeped from my system, I cried myself to sleep, exhausted from my experience. It was dark when I woke up, which meant that it was after 9:00pm, I'd been hiding for almost 6 hours, the Royce's had to be freaking out. I knew I had to face up to what had happened, knew I'd have to look at all of them and answer questions about being abused. I hated my dad in that moment, hated him more then I'd ever hated him before. He couldn't just leave me alone, he made sure that my shame would follow me around for the rest of my life. As I was walking back, I went passed the church and decided to take a detour. I don't know what made me do it, the parsonage was right next door, all I had to do was go there, tell the Royce's what happened and try to put this day behind me, but I couldn't do it. Northfield is a small town, no one really ever locks their doors, I wasn't surprised to find the church doors wide open. I walked into the sanctuary, it was dark but there was a full moon and the stained glass windows glowed with silvery light. At the end of the sanctuary, behind the pulpit, there is a 2o foot tall stained glass window, showing Jesus with a flock of sheep. I dropped down onto my knees and stared up at the smiling visage of our Lord and Savior, and all I could do is cry. I know I said there was no God but if I'm honest, I never really believed that. It was easier to say God didn't exist then face the truth, that I was an abomination and God hated me for what I was. "I'm sorry!" I shouted at the window, "I didn't ask to be this way!" All Jesus did was smile down at me, that's all he's ever done, he's never answered my prayers. "Why does God hate me!" "My precious child, God doesn't hate you," replied a soft voice. For a moment, I thought I was losing it, I blinked my eyes clear of my tears and looked up at the window, "Jesus?" "No, only me," said Pastor Jon, I turned at the sound of his voice and found him walking up the aisle, "and God doesn't hate you, Calum, no matter what you think you've done." "He hates me, I'm gay and he let my father eat me for it and, and, and..." I babbled, but started crying again. "I know," said Pastor Jon, as he dropped to his knees and wrapped me in a warm embrace, "Robin told me what happened to you when I picked him up at the hardware store." "Is he ok, my dad shoved him and he fell," I sniffled. "He's fine, worried about you, but he's fine," Pastor Jon assured me. "Why did my daddy beat me, why did God let that happen if he doesn't hate me?" "I wish I knew Calum, I wish I knew but God works in mysterious ways and..." "Yeah, I've heard that all before." "I'm sure you have but that doesn't make it any less true," smiled Pastor Jon. "All that stuff it says in the Bible about gays, it's awful," I sniveled. "Yes, it is pretty bad but you know, it also says women shouldn't wear pants and we should stone people who work on the Sabbath," said Pastor Jon. "That's what I mean, it says..." "It says all of those things but we don't practice them anymore, it sounds silly to us now, that's because the Bible was meant to serve as a guide as to how we should live our lives, things change over time, society evolves. Other than the Ten Commandments, none of it is set in stone. Do you remember the Ten Commandments?" "Thou shalt have no other gods before me, thou shalt not make unto thee any graven images, thou shalt not take the Lord's name in vain, honor thy mother and father, thou shalt not kill, thou shalt not commit adultery, thou shalt not steal, thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor, and thou shalt not covet." "And there you have it," said Pastor Jon." "I'm not following you." "The Commandments don't say anything about being gay, do they?" "Well, no, I guess they don't," I admitted. "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, you see Calum, Jesus didn't come down to earth to condemn us, he came to give us hope, to preach love and understanding," said Pastor Jon. "Why does everything have to be so hard?" I sighed. "That's life, kiddo, God gave you a life so that you could live it, it's a gift that comes with its ups and downs, but that's all part of what makes it interesting." "I've had enough interesting, I'd be very happy with boring, at least for a while." "Ha, God willing," smiled Pastor Jon, "come on, let's go home, someone is pacing a hole in the floor, waiting for you to come back." "What about the police, aren't I in trouble?" "I took care of that, you're not in any trouble." "That's a relief." Before we went back to the parsonage, we stopped by the church office so I could call my mom. The Royce's called her as soon as I ran off and to say that she was freaking out was an understatement. She chewed me out for scaring her for a good five minutes, then she told me how much she and Jeff loved me and that we'd talk when she got home, she was just glad I was safe. "Look who I found," said Pastor Jon, as we walked through the front door. "Oh thank God!" Robin exclaimed, he threw his arms around me and squeezed me so hard I could barely breathe. "I'm sorry," I sniffled pathetically, as I started to get emotional again. "It's ok, it's ok, thank God you're safe, I was so scared." "Calum, honey, where were you, we were worried sick," said Mrs. Royce. "Sweetheart we'll talk about that later, Calum's had a pretty rough day," said Pastor Jon, "Robin, why don't you take him upstairs and get him a shower, then you guys hit the sack." "Yeah dad, ok," said Robin, "come on Calum." Robin took my hand and I followed him up the stairs, I showered by rote, put on clean underwear and crawled into bed. Robin climbed in next to me and wrapped me in his loving embrace. "I'm sorry I scared you." "It's ok, I'm just glad you're back, I was so worried about you," said Robin. "I was just so embarrassed for you to see that, I didn't want you to see how my dad treats me, like scum," I whined. "Screw him, if he doesn't see you for the wonder that you are, that's his problem, I love you and I think you're perfect," said Robin. I started crying again, mostly because I needed to get it out of my system, it had been an emotional day. Robin held me tight and for the second time in two days, he sang to me. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kl-VCHzS1So "Cold is the water, it freezes your already cold mind, already cold, cold mind. And death is at your doorstep and it will steal your innocence but it will not steal your substance. But you are not alone in this and you are not alone in this, as brothers we will stand and I hold your hand. Hold your hand. "And you are the mother, the mother of your baby child, the one to whom you gave life. And you have your choices and these are what make man great, his ladder to the stars. But you are not alone in this and you are not alone in this, as brothers we will stand and I will hold your hand. Hold your hand "And I will tell the night and whisper, "Lose your sight" but I can't move the mountains for you." "That was beautiful," I stated, with my emotions back in check, "I've never heard that song before." "It's called Timshel." "What's that mean?" "Thou mayest." "Thou mayest what?" "Thou mayest do this, and thou mayest do that, and that," said Robin, as he kissed me on each cheek and then on the lips. I slept better that night then I had in a long time. I'd like to say that all my problems were solved but this isn't a fairytale. I know I have to work at putting the past behind me and I know that Robin will help me. I also know that God doesn't hate me, and yes, cliché that it is, I believe he works in mysterious ways, after all, I went to sleep that night in the arms of my angel, how's that for mysterious? The next morning was Sunday and we had to be in church by 10:00am. I usually sat by the piano, during the sermon, but that day, I sat next to Robin and the choir. When no one was looking, Robin reached over and held my hand. We sat there, under the gaze of Jesus and his sheep, looking down on us from his stained glass window. For the first time, I noticed he was smiling and I couldn't help but feel like it was just for Robin and me, as if his smile said he approved or rather, "thou mayest." THE END