Date: Fri Sept 21, 2012
From: Cody <email@example.com>
Emotionally Bankrupt or Tanner's Long Road Home?
Twinergy and the Boys of Clear Lake (17.4) by Cody S.
Disclaimer: This story involves homosexual acts between two or more under-age boys. If this offends you, or is illegal for you to view, or you are too young to read it, leave now and do not return. This story is entirely fictitious, and any similarity to persons living or dead, or to actual events is entirely coincidental.
Copyright is to me, and this story may not be reproduced anywhere without my prior permission.
Chapter 17 Pt. 4
Tanner: “I'm such an asshole! No wonder everybody hates me. I hate myself. I hate who I am and the way I am. I should just go away.” As he began to break down again and grab onto Tasha and bury his face again.
Tasha, patting Tanner's back and kissing his hair as she holds him tight, “Your not an asshole Tanner. I like who you are when you stay within yourself. And I don't want you to go away. You just have a lot of stuff built up and you've kept it inside a long time. You have a lot of problems and maybe you just need some help sweetie.”
Sasha scooted over from the other side and put his arms around Tanner as well, as most of the girls around the table were looking on solemnly. Some were in, or near tears themselves. It took a quite a few more minutes before anyone felt comfortable enough to move, or speak. But upon sensing the time was right, Tasha lifted Tanners face with her finger under his chin, and kissed his salty, tear covered lips while looking into his swollen red eye's.
She kissed him gently on the lips, saying, “You just made a mistake today Tanner, nothing more. Maybe a big mistake, but a mistake non the less. And maybe you can turn it into something good. Maybe if you try, you can see today as an awakening. Your awakening, and turn something bad into something really good.”
Tanner, mumbling softly, as a few more tears dripped from his eyes and down his face, “You mean like a lesson?”
Tasha: “Yah Tanner, like a lesson.”
Tanner: “I didn't know they all felt that way Tash. Are they gonna kick me out now?”
Tasha: “I wouldn't think so Tanner. Not for this one time. And they were going to talk to you anyway. But I just wanted to give you a heads up that they're not real happy. And they may do something to get the point across to you.”
Tanner: “I understand, I think I understand how they feel. I guess we hurt some of those guys?”
Tasha: “Yah Tanner, you did. But even more, you hurt some of your guys too. Reiley and Cody got pretty beat up. And you didn't even consider that. And here Cody put himself on the line with Nika to vote you in Tanner. And Reiley cast the deciding vote after having reservations, and this is how he's repaid. I know you didn't mean to hurt them on purpose. But when you dare to become part of something that is greater than the sum of what, and who you are, you have to take other peoples feelings into consideration, and you haven't learned to do that yet.”
Tanner: “I know. I bet they kick me out. I'll probably have to start hanging around at home again.”
Tasha: “I don't think they'll go that far sweetheart, and they all decided to put off even talking about it for another day or two. Garrett convinced them not to make rash decisions when they're angry. So you have some time to make amends if you choose to Tanner?”
Tanner: “Garrett did that?”
Tash: “Yah, he did.”
Tanner: “I like when he's over. He always tells Dakota to leave me alone and not to hurt me. He always talks to me. I wish he was my big brother.”
Tash: “In a way he is, or he can be if you'd like Tanner. He thinks a lot of you too, as do I.”
Tanner: “I wish I was a better person. I wish I wasn't so mad or frustrated all the time. I wish I had something to give back. I hate feeling like no one wants me around.” As he began to sob a little again.
Tasha: “Not no one Tanner. I mean they did vote you in didn't they?”
Tanner: “Yah, but we'll see if I fucked that up too, like everything else. We'll see if I'm still in or not. I'm just afraid of where I'll have left to go if they don't want me anymore?”
Tash: “I don't know if they'd have the heart to not want you anymore. Or if they can even toss you out once your in? What do you think Sasha?”
Sash: “Nope, once you're in, you're in Tanner. They can make it difficult for you till you straighten up, but they'd never outright reject you. Besides, if they did, I'd stop hanging around them, and you and I would be best friends Tanner. I like you a lot.”
Tanner: “Thanks, I love you Sasha!” As he let go of Tasha and grabbed hold of Sasha and began to shake as he cried into Sash's neck. Sash looked at Tasha for direction, as he didn't know what exactly to do. Tasha looked at Sash and held her arms around herself, indicating to him what to do, instructing Sasha to just keep holding him till he regained his composure. She also made a patting motion for Sasha to pat Tanners back, as the two boys continued to clutch onto one another.
After a few more minutes of holding and crying, Tanner pulled his face from Sasha's neck and took a long, wet, sniff as he wiped his arm across his nose. Tasha handed him a napkin to dab his eye's and wipe his cheeks. He looked at everyone and uncharacteristically apologized for his behavior as he looked down.
Tash and Sasha both patted his back and shoulders and told him not to sweat it, that he can return the favor next time one of them had a meltdown. The girls all told him he was a “cutie” or a “Trooper” or some other stupid name as one of the girls kissed him on the cheek and said, “Boy would I like to take you home and put you in my Easter Basket, sweetie!”
That got a little laugh out of him and Sasha, as Tash said goodbye to all her friends. They made their way down the boardwalk towards the Mexican restaurant. With Sasha and Tash both having their arms around Tanner, who was walking in between them, looking like his dog just died. Once they got within about forty feet, they spotted everyone standing out front waiting on them. Blake was the first to speak as they approached, and said, “Fuck, where have you been Tasha. You know how long you've been gone. We had the waiter box up your food for......Holy Shit, what the fuck happened to you Tanner. Did some of those boys catch up to you? You look like shit!”
Tasha: “Let it go Blake, we'll all talk when we get back to Garrett's and settle down for the night.”
Blake: “But he doe's look pretty bad.”
Sasha: “She asked you to let it go Blake.....Please.”
Blake: “Yah, ok, I guess so.”
I, with Cody by my side saw them approach as well. We immediately looked at one another, and made a bee-line straight over to Tanner. We took him from Tasha and Sash, and walked over towards the vehicles with him. Holding him close as no one whispered a word. We were just there for him as he kept his head down and we kept our arms and hands around him, and on him as we all instinctively knew the correct course of action that was required of each one of us.
Once everyone made it out to the parking lot, I made sure that Tanner, along with me, Cody, and Sasha, rode back together with Garrett and Tasha. As all the others rode in the SUV with Mr. Palmer. This was the best way to insure that there was no awkward conversation or uncomfortable silence from the others on the way back. And that Tanner could maybe somehow regain a little feeling of safety and security that he was beginning to lose after his revelation with Tasha and Sash.
Tash sat up front with Garrett, who looked concerned at her, seeing that something took place. He began to ask her what was up, when she just put her finger to her lips and shook her head, as to signal him to please just wait till we got back to their house. I on the other hand knew exactly what had occurred, as I had been waiting on this moment since Tanner's inception. My “twinergy” told me that Tanner was absolutely devastated.
I climbed into the back seat of the cab with Tanner, Cody, and Sash. It was a tight fit, but we all managed to squeeze in. Tanner was silent with his head looking down, as if he were afraid to look into anyone's eye's. Cody and I held him and tried to pull him close. But oddly enough, it was Sasha that he sought. Seeking him out and burying himself into Sash's chest, and wrapping his arms around him, pulling himself in close to my baby brother.
I was proud of Sash, as you could tell he wasn't embarrassed or ashamed of this, as Tasha watched through the mirror from the front seat. Sasha only said, “I've got you Tanner, just hold on tight and we'll be there soon,” and nothing more the rest of the way back. I could tell my little brothers caring and nurturing went into auto-pilot, and he knew just what to do. As if it was me he was holding, after one of our many nights of having to be there for one another.
Cody and I cuddled and held one another as well, and I couldn't help think that despite the hurt, and the pain that was so obvious in Tanners eyes, that there wasn't some sort of break-through. Some sort of revelation that took place within him, and opened his eye's just a little bit as to the way the others saw the world, and maybe just how the others saw him as well.
And I knew that kind of eye opening revelation can be very traumatic, if not downright earth-shattering. Especially to someone as closed off and defensive towards the world as is Tanner. And I was also very aware of the fragile nature now of his self esteem and confidence. But none the less, it may have been long overdue, and absolutely necessary to his survival within our group. I knew that as much as he may now be hurting, that being brought back to earth, and starting from scratch may be exactly what he needed. After all, they say you can't make an omelet if you first don't break a couple eggs.
Now was the hard part, that will take time and lots of patience and hard work, over God only knows what length of time. And not just on my part or his, but for all of us. Now was going to be the test that I knew was coming long before we ever voted Tanner into the fold. I remembered thinking about it on the way back from the Sheriffs station the first time with Blake, Tanner, and my dad. When I first decided that it was the right thing to do to take Tanner in. And that there would be some question and debate. But I also knew in my heart that we would all give him the benefit of the doubt, and indeed not leave him out in the cold.
But I also knew at that exact time, that eventually we would have to “break” him. And ween him off his outlandish behavior and expose his immaturity and venerability. Bring his fear, his confusion, his frustration, and his frightened innocence out into the light where it was defenseless, and no longer safely tucked away within it's protective cave. In essence, tear down his wall. I knew at the time it would also be ugly and hurtful, but none the less it needed to be done. The thing I didn't know exactly, was how we were going to go about it, or who would be responsible for making it happen. And it was frustrating me, as I knew I only had a certain window of time before he managed to erode away the base of everyone's support.
I went over it a hundred different ways in my mind, how to break through to him. And every time, I concluded it was the wrong recipe, and wouldn't achieve the end game I was hoping for. But low and behold, leave it to my big sis to slide in under his defenses and rip his foundation out from under him, collapsing his wall on top of him like a ton of bricks. It was so simple and elementary. She, with her love and feminine touch was able to dismantle Tanners defenses in a passive aggressive way, whereas a full-on frontal assault from the rest of us wouldn't have stood a chance.
And so we silently crept down the highway, making our way to Garrett's ranch, following closely behind Mr. Palmer and the rest of our Posse.....and more importantly, the rest of Tanner's Posse as well!
*** Please read “Twinergy and the boys of Clear Lake” Blog Site below:
The story picks up there at Chapter 67!
That concludes this chapter of “Twinergy and the Boys of Clear Lake.” This is my first attempt at writing so any feedback, direction, or comments are appreciated. Please forward comments to the address below:
***Hello to all who have followed this story from the beginning. I have decided that because of all the positive feedback, and at the urge of fellow authors, that I will be continuing this story on its own site http://twinergyandtheboysofclearlake.wordpress.com/ It has gained a life of it's own and needs pictures and information to go along with it. Feel free to e-mail me any questions, and visit the above site for further chapters. I will continue to post this on nifty, especially my short story series called, “Clear Lake Capers” and the first will be submitted soon. Thanks again for your encouragement and be well.
Stay tuned for:
Emotionally Bankrupt or Tanner's Long Road Home?