Date: Fri, 18 Oct 2002 22:49:49 -0400 From: Jeff Wilson Subject: W.A.R. Chapter 11 Here it is. The last chapter of W.A.R. Part One. Black Summer comes to a close. I hope you like it! W.A.R. Part One: Black Summer Chapter Eleven -- Gone by Jeff Wilson I woke up in the morning with my little eight year old cousin in my bed. He had apparently decided that he would sleep there. He hadn't asked. He didn't even wake me when he got in. I was going to give him a push off the side, but then I felt the wetness. Oh great, I had had one of those dreams again... no... Oh for the love of... He peed in my bed!!! That little piece of crap peed in my bed! I jumped up out of my bed. I was covered in it! This kid must have stood up and peed on me to get me this bad! Then I realized something. He hadn't peed on me, I'd peed on myself. I'd wet the bed for the first time in over a year. And not only had I wet the bed, I just about flooded the bed. We were both a mess and it was going to smell if we didn't do something about it. I shook my cousin. "Brian. Brian! Wake up!" I said it softly so that my other cousin Nate wouldn't hear. "Billy, what time is it?" "It's 4:30... Get up, you pissed in my bed." "I did?" "Yeah you little dipshit! Look, you got it all over me!" "Oh! I'm real sorry Billy!" "You better be! Look, we have to get cleaned up! You go take a shower, I'll take care of the sheets and mattress." Brian ran off to the bathroom to shower while I got rid of the evidence. I threw the blankets in my closet, sprayed them with cleaner, and cleaned my mattress. I threw my wet clothes in the hamper and pulled on an old pair of boxers. I don't wear them except as night shorts. Then I put new blankets and sheets on the bed. Brian came back in wearing a towel. Was it wrong for me to make him think it was all his fault? "I'm all clean! I'm real sorry about the bed Billy." He didn't look that sorry, so I didn't feel guilty anymore. "That's okay. It'll be our secret. I won't tell anyone that you wet the bed." Brian smiled, I smiled back. Then we even shook on it. Then he pulled off the towel and started looking through his bag for more clothes to wear. He didn't care at all! He just stood there with his bare butt pointed at me while he bent over looking through the bag. I could see everything for goodness sake. I left to take my shower before I had to explain to him why my boxers had a tent in front of them. I jerked off in the shower thinking about my own cousin's butt. That's kind of sick. I really need to get my hormones in check. It was only after the shower that I could begin to focus on what would be happening today. Grandma was gone. We would have to go to a viewing today, tonight, and tomorrow. The funeral would be tomorrow afternoon. Then we would go to the church for a hospitality dinner. Great. Someone dies, you look at them, you bury them, you go eat food. I looked at myself in the mirror. There was Billy Roberts looking back at me. I looked terrible. My hair was a mess. I had even more freckles than before. My braces needed brushing. And my right eye still had that purple shadow that wouldn't go away. I looked into my own eyes in the mirror. What was happening to me? Why wasn't I normal anymore? Why did I pee myself last night? Why did seeing my cousin's bare behind do more to me than seeing a girl's bare breasts? Why did I want more than anything for Brett to call me or be with me? Why couldn't I get the image of his half naked body out of my head? And why couldn't I cry for my dear grandmother? "I'm going crazy!" There was a knock at the door. My aunt needed to use the bathroom. I sulked back to my bed. Brian was asleep again. This time he was wearing long sweat pants but no shirt. He looked like a little angel sleeping there. I couldn't get back to sleep. Eventually, it was time to get ready to go to the first viewing. I called Brett's house before we left. I just got the answering machine. Where was he? When we got to the funeral home, they gave the family a chance to go in early to see her. I didn't go. I couldn't face her, not yet. Not with everybody there. I could hear my mother crying. She had been doing that a lot. I felt so sorry for her. She had taken care of grandma for almost five months. But in the end... I hung out in the back room of the funeral home. My dad came back to smoke a cigarette. "What are you doing back here, boy?" "Just hiding out." "Too much for you today?" "No. I'm fine. It's just..." "You miss her." "Not really. Dad, is it normal not to cry when your grandma... you know." I still couldn't say the word. "They're your emotions, boy. Just because everyone thinks you should feel a certain way doesn't mean you should." "So it's okay to feel the way I feel, even if everyone thinks that what I'm feeling is wrong? What if YOU think that what I'm feeling is wrong?" "How do you feel, boy?" "I don't know. I know she's gone, but it's like she's not. Like I'm still going to have to get up tomorrow and go watch tv with her. A couple of weeks ago, I told Brett off because he talked about there being the possibility that she would... you know. And I yelled at him to keep myself from crying. The thought of it happening was enough to make me cry. Now it's actually happened and now I can't cry and I don't know why." "Are you relieved that it's over?" "I don't know. It was like she was trapped before. Now she's not. She's free. I'll never see her again, but she's free." "You're wrong about one thing, son. I believe you will see her again." "Dad, I can't go in there with all those people. When everyone leaves, can I go see her, alone?" "I'll make sure of it. And one more thing, boy. You asked me what if I thought what you were feeling is wrong. That's impossible, son. Because I want you to grow up to follow your heart. You are one of the most special people in the whole world, Billy. If your heart leads you to something, or someone, I want you to trust your heart. Even if it seems like the whole world is against you, I'm always on your side." "Thanks dad." He finished his cigarette and went back to the main room. A few people came to see me during that first viewing. Coach Donaldson and his wife were there. Dustin from my baseball team was there. Miss Winston, one of my teachers was there. Brian got spanked for running around being silly. Dad smoked more than I'd seen in a long time. But through it all, Brett was absent. Finally, the time came for everyone to leave. The place was clearing out when my dad found me. "Well, everyone's gone now. Do you want to see her?" "I... I guess so. Dad, I don't think I can do it with anyone else around. Can you wait for me here?" "Okay. Go on. It will be alright. I'll be right here if you need me." I entered the room for the first time. It was so quiet. There were lots of flowers. I stopped. The casket was open, I could see her inside. Still nothing, no tears, just sadness. I walked up to the casket. She looked the same, just not moving at all. It was just her body, the life was gone. I reached into my pocket and pulled out the pack of cards that I'd taken from the table. I placed them inside the casket where no one else would see them. "These are yours, grandma. I want you to keep them for me. Maybe some day we'll play again. I'm so confused grandma. I don't know what's wrong with me. I've been thinking about doing things. Not dangerous things. But things that aren't supposed to be what boys want to do... I want to do them, but I don't know why... Why is this happening to me? I just want to be normal! I wish you could hear me." "I can hear you." I jumped about five feet off the ground. I turned around, and finally saw him. "Brett!! You scared me half to death! Where were you?" "My mom had an emergency meeting about a client who went nuts up in Pittsburgh. We stayed over night last night. I didn't even know about your grandma until this morning... I called your house as soon as I found out, but you guys were already here. My mom drove me over here but she got a flat tire and..." That was all he got to say, because I wrapped my arms around him and finally, without warning, burst into tears. He was holding me up, because every bit of energy I had poured out of me. He just stood there and let me cry. He didn't know how important it was, or maybe he did. I don't know how long we stood there, but I drained every bit of emotion that had been blocked up since that day in the ballpark. He just kept telling me to let it out, that it was okay. I was overcome with emotion again and again. Grief for my grandma, compassion for my mom, happiness that finally Brett was with me. "That's good, Billy. Let it all out. I'm here for you. It's alright. I love you. It's okay." I was finally beginning to get myself under control. I just had to hold him close to me. I had had to go through this without him and it was killing me. I could have stood there for days. But after a while, I was able to look around. "We have an audience." There was my mom. She had come to find us. She was not surprised to see Brett. She had sent him in to me when he showed up. My dad had gone out to help Brett's mom, so we had to wait a while for him to come back. We sat outside the funeral home for a while. We could have waited inside, but no one wanted to. I was absolutely drained. I just held on to Brett and my mom. "Do you feel better now, babycakes?" "Yeah now that Brett's here. I don't know what came over me." "You were in shock. I was too. It was too sudden. Sure we knew that it could happen, but when it did it came out of nowhere. She seemed to be getting better." My dad and Bret's mom arrived. I asked if I could ride home with Brett, and everyone agreed. It gave me a chance to be with him, and also with his mom. She was really helpful and helped me to sort some things out. She was a really good psychologist! The day of the funeral started a lot better than the day before. I slept comfortably and woke up refreshed and happy with Brian practically on top of me. This time I did push him off the bed. We dressed and went to the funeral. There were lots of people there. I knew some of them, but there were a lot of elderly people who I didn't know. They seemed to know me, though, because they all seemed to pinch my cheeks and tell me how much I've grown. An old man asked me how I got the black eye, I told him my dad hit me. Then my dad said he'd do it again and grabbed me in a headlock. Mom scolded both of us. It was pretty funny. Things weren't fun for long though. I sat next to dad during the service. When the pastor said "Good morning" I started to sniffle. My dad put his arm around me and I spent the rest of the funeral crying. When it was over, we went to the front for the final time. I cried the whole time. When we left the funeral home and went out to the car, I was exhausted mentally and physically. We drove to the cemetery for the burial service. Then we went back to the cars for the trip to the church for the hospitality dinner. This time Brett rode with me. I was beat. I had been through too much over the last several months. After we ate, I told my mom that I was going for a walk. Brett came along. We walked past the store. We walked past the post office. We walked to the park. We sat down on the swings and started to swing on them. We must have looked pretty funny, two thirteen year old kids on the swings in dress clothes. Some younger kids came to swing so we left the park. We went past the yellow ball field. We eventually ended up at the park by the river. There were ducks there today, so we fed them while sitting on a bench. Finally, I spoke. "Things have really changed since the last time we were here." "Yeah, as I recall you told me off." "Yeah, it was either that or sit here and bawl." "Well that would have been okay too. "So, you love me, huh?" "What?" "You said you loved me. Last night, at the funeral home. What, did you think I'd forget a thing like that?" "Well, I... I thought you needed to hear it." I laughed a little. "So how much do you love me?" Brett laughed a little, nervously. "Okay, I love you as much as you love me!" "Oh, that's too bad." "Why?" "Because I love you more than anyone else in the world. And if you love me as much as I love you, then we're going to make a lot of people sick. "You love me that much? Wow... That's cool. I thought it was just me." We sat there for a while, watching the world go by. There were boats on the water today, and kids came to play at the park. We sat there, with Brett's arm around my shoulder, just watching it all quietly. I'd occasionally catch him looking at me. But I didn't mind. With Brett next to me I could finally face the truth about myself. I loved him, he loved me. That was enough for now... The End of Part One That'll do it for Part One! It's been a lot of fun writing this story. I'm still working on Part Two, and I don't want to start sending it out until it's done. So that'll probably start in late November. Whether you liked it, hated it, or anything else, you can write to me and tell me. If you have any questions about Part One, I'm more than happy to answer those too! Just drop me a line at: vicioussquirrel@hotmail.com This has been such a good experience! I hate to see Part One end. But Part Two should be really fun! Thanks a lot for reading!