Date: Sun, 29 Feb 2004 16:29:27 -0500 From: Jeff Wilson Subject: W.A.R. Part Five Chapter 13 W.A.R. Part Five - Secrets Chapter Thirteen - Just a Boy by Jeff Wilson I was surprised when Dr. Reilly called me in late February and asked me to come to the house. Brett had gone on a weekend retreat with his church youth group. There were lots of times when I was younger when Dr. Reilly and I would meet to talk about my anger problem and other stuff. But this time just felt different. I had a bad feeling about it for a reason that I couldn't quite figure out. What would she want with me if Brett wasn't around? I told mom that I was going to go over to Brett's house. She asked me why, since Brett was not there. For some reason, I lied. I don't know why I lied, but I did. I told her I was going to get something that I left over there. She told me that she would not be home when I got back, because she was on afternoon shift. I walked into the woods and began walking along the path towards Brett's house. The trees were still waiting for the weather to warm up a bit before they started budding. I would have to enjoy life while I could before going back on my allergy medicine. I never feel right when I'm on my medicine. I always feel tired. I got the uneasy feeling in my stomach that I always got as I approached the top of the hill. Ever since that night, I always felt really strange looking at that stump. However, that didn't stop me from throwing a rock at a squirrel that was sitting on it. I knocked on the back door and Dr. Reilly opened it and invited me in. I was anxious to find out what she wanted. I knew it wasn't for a can of pop, which was the first thing she offered me. Sure I took it, but I really wanted to find out what she wanted to talk about. As I took a drink she invited me to come into the living room. I followed her and sat down on the couch while she sat in her chair. I noticed the carpet was clean and there was no evidence that Dustin had bled all over it. "Well…" she sighed. "Billy, I know you must be wondering why I invited you over here while Brett is away. First of all, I want you to know that I thought long and hard about how to handle this, and I'm still not sure quite what to do about this situation." "What situation?" I asked. If she wanted to get my attention, she got it. My mind raced through the possibilities of what the situation could be. Surely she didn't know. She couldn't know. We were too careful for her to know. "Billy… Do you remember the night that Dustin had his accident?" She asked. "Yes." I said. This wasn't going to be so bad! She probably just wanted to make sure I wasn't having a bad reaction to everything that happened. I relaxed a little. "Yes…" She frowned. "Anyway… You called for an ambulance. They didn't believe you…" "Yeah, so you had to call them." I replied. "Billy… When you called the ambulance… I know that you were very upset… I… Well… Oh… Here." I had never seen Dr. Reilly stumble over words like this. I couldn't put my finger on what she was so frustrated about. Then she pulled out a small tape recorder. # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # "Hello, operator. What is the nature of your emergency?" "My friend tried to kill himself, we need an ambulance, right now." "What is your name please?" "William Roberts. Just please, send the ambulance." "How old are you, sir?" "God dammit, this isn't a fucking joke. He cut his fucking wrists and his gonna fucking bleed to death. Please send an ambulance!" "Calm down, sir." "I'll calm down when you send the fucking ambulance." "What is the address, please?" "115 Summit Road, Donora. Now send somebody, please!" "Is this your address, William?" "No, it's my friend's" "Your friend who cut his wrists?" "No, my goddamn boyfriend's. Jesus Christ woman, just send a fucking ambulance already." # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # I felt the blood drain out of my face. I never even realized I had said that last sentence. This was not a good thing. "How did you get that?" I asked, my voice barely a hoarse whisper. "I went to the EMT center to find out what the problem was. There was no reason that they should not have at least come to check on you. I was ready to press charges, actually. Imagine my surprise when I heard the end of the tape." "It was a joke." I quickly said, my mind working a million miles a minute. I couldn't allow myself to panic. I knew there was still a chance to fix this. "Billy, this would be a very bad time to lie to me. I know that you weren't joking. Dustin was bleeding to death on the floor. The last thing you would have done is joke with someone. But you may have gone into a panic and said something that you hadn't intended to say." "No. I was just so angry with them that I…" "Billy, shut up." Dr. Reilly said, the tone of her voice changing and telling me that she was getting a little angry with me. "I'm sorry…" She added quickly. "Just… Billy, you know about Brett's father. You know what we went through. And I don't want that to cloud my judgment of what's going on." "Nothing's going on." I quickly said. She pulled a notebook out of a bag she had near her chair. "I started thinking after I heard that message. I couldn't stop thinking about it actually. The thought occurred to me that you might have just been in a panic and said something completely meaningless. I really hoped that was what it was. But the thought never really went away. I tried to rationalize it. I could have been over reacting. I knew Brett was going to be away this weekend. So when he left yesterday, I did some looking around." "You mean you spied on him?" I asked. "No! Well… I had to know, Billy. I had to know what's going on. Then I found this. Here, read this…" She said as she handed me the book, opened to a page in what I quickly realized was one of Brett's journals. I remembered Brett saying that he made fake ones in case his mom snooped on him. His mom had it opened to a page that I quickly realized was about the day we kissed in the park in the snow. I couldn't believe that he actually wrote that I kissed him. What was he thinking? My mind worked overtime… There was still a chance she didn't know everything. I could talk my way out of this. I knew I could. "This was the day Dustin punched him." I said. Perhaps I could give something away to keep her from digging deeper. "I remember this. He was really upset. He had just talked to you about his dad and then we met up with Dustin in the woods. I don't know why I ended up kissing him. It was stupid. I just wanted to do something to make him feel better. It was like a brotherly thing." "A brotherly thing?" She asked. "I know you too well to not know when you're trying to lie to me Billy. Let's cut right to the chase here… I want to know what you're doing with my son." "You had no right to go looking through his private journals. You know he's going to be pissed when he finds out." I said, trying desperately to get out of this somehow. "I'm willing to take that chance if I can find out the truth." She was not going to be deterred. She wasn't going to stop until she knew everything, and I knew it was a matter of time. "Billy, I know you're a clever boy. You're trying to calculate just the right words to tell me. Brett is a very good boy. I don't want his good nature to be taken advantage of by someone who is just going to use him. I will not let anyone use him." "I'm not using him." I said. Bob Cat had managed to find his way into my lap and I knew that I would have itchy eyes later. "This is always easier when it's not boys that I love who are going through this. Billy… I want you to be honest with me. I know that boys at your age are starting to discover things about themselves. If you experimented with Brett… I understand that. But Brett's a fragile boy. I won't have anyone manipulating him." "Manipulating?" I asked. "We're not manipulating each other!" "Well, why don't you tell me what is going on, then?" "No," I said. I couldn't believe I actually said it, but I did. I wasn't going to let her take Brett away from me. Not if I could help it. "Billy. I'm not going to hate you, if that's what you're afraid of. We're talking about my son. I have to know what I'm dealing with here. If you are experimenting with him then I need to know. I can't help him if I don't know what is going on." "He doesn't need help!" I said. "And I don't either! We haven't done anything wrong!" "I didn't say that you did." She replied. "Then what are you supposed to do to help him then, huh? You can't talk about helping somebody unless you think they need the help in the first place! "Billy, please! This is hard enough without you getting angry about it." "We never did anything that we didn't both agree to, if that's what you're worried about." "Billy, that's not the point." "Well then get to the point, Jen. Let's cut the bull and just get on with it, then. You want to know the truth? Here's the truth: I love Brett. I want to be with Brett. And yes, I had sex with Brett. There. It's all out there now." Only after I said all that did I realize that I was standing up. It sat back down and tried to calm down. I was breathing heavy and I felt like I had just been beat up. But at long last, I had just let the truth out of me. Brett's mom stared at the book on the table. She rubbed her cheek with her hand, and then closed her eyes. She opened them and looked at me. "How long has this… How long have you..." "A year or so." I replied. "I've loved him for a long time, but we only started really doing stuff together when we were like fourteen." "And how far has this gone?" She asked. "You mean what have we done? Everything, I guess." It was actually getting easier to tell the truth now that it had all unraveled. "You've had intercourse?" She asked, trying to get a grip on what she had missed. "We've made love." I said. I had never seen Brett's mom scowl until that moment. But when I said that, her face twisted in a way I hadn't expected. She spoke very slowly, each word coming out individually. "What… could… you… possibly… know… about… love?" "I know that I love him!" "You're just a boy, Billy! An arrogant, mean, selfish, angry little boy! What you call love, I call using my son for your own self gratification! I swore that I would never be put in the situation that I was again! I never imagined that it would happen to my son! In my very own house!! I put up with your attitude because I thought I could do something to change you. I allowed you to stay in the same bed as my son, and you abused him!" "I didn't abuse him!" I said, trying and failing to keep my temper in line. "I never ever would do anything to hurt him like that! And if you think I'm all those things you said, then you really don't know me at all! In case you didn't notice I grew up. You're the one that's stuck in the past. You never got over the fact that you were raped and you won't let Brett get over it either!" "How dare you!" "No, how dare you?!? Do you think I wanted this? You think I wanted to be gay? I fought it for years! And I'd still be fighting it. But Brett changed me. All the time I was trying to be somebody I wasn't, Brett was loving me for who I really am. And he has made me into who I am today. I'm not the boy I was before. And if you can't see past my past, then maybe you're the one who needs to see somebody." With that, I couldn't hold it in anymore. I put my face in my hands and started crying. I knew that my reaction had just cost me my one chance. My one opportunity had been wasted. She was never going to let me see Brett ever again after that. My temper finally got me one more time. Instead of sounding intelligent and rational, I blew up again, and this time it was going to cost me everything. I jumped when I felt a pressure on my shoulder. I looked up to see that Dr. Reilly was standing beside me, her hand on my shoulder. There were tears in her eyes, as well. She sat down next to me and put her arm around me. To be honest, it felt really nice. For a long time we just sat there, neither one saying anything. "So what happens now?" I asked. If it was all going to end, I wanted to get it over with. "I guess I need to go see somebody. You're right on some things. I know that you're not the same boy you were, Billy. I know that. But I cannot just step away from this situation. I guess it was inevitable that he was going to have sex some day. I never imagined that it would be with you. You see Billy, it's not that I hold your being gay against you. I know enough to know that it wasn't a conscious decision on your part. And if Brett loves you the same way, then for me to stand in your way will only lead to more pain than either of you deserves. "I admit that I have never been the perfect mother. You've seen my mistakes. Raising a boy, alone, without a father… It's never been easy. I know that I let him get away with more than I should sometimes. And I've ignored some pretty obvious signs from both of you. There was a time when you were staying here when I thought I heard you doing something together, but I rationalized it away." "I'm sorry we kept it a secret." I said. "But I guess we were afraid that you'd throw him in Central Catholic or something if you found out." "Why? You mean put him in a school where he would have sex with more boys than you could count and become who knows what, when he can stay here and be loved? Billy, I'm not happy that you two are having sex. But I'm not unhappy that you have found each other. When I saw the way you defended Brett, when before you would have just defended yourself… You've grown up. Part of the problem, I guess, is that we both love the same boy. Only for different reasons." "I couldn't live without him. He's a part of me. He's part of my soul." I said. "Billy, who else knows about this?" She asked. "Miss Winston. Joey. My dad. A few others probably know. Oh, and Dustin's known longer than anybody." "Dustin's not…" "Oh no." I said, realizing what she was going to ask. "He's straight. And even if he was gay, it wouldn't make any difference. I never want to do it with anybody else but Brett." "Your mother doesn't know?" "Oh, heck no." I said. "If you thought this was bad… She'd throw me out. I know she would." "You don't know that, Billy. What did your dad say?" "He knew before I did." I replied. "George…" She muttered. "Is there anything that man doesn't know?" I walked back toward home with a lot on my mind. I stopped on the way at Dustin's stump. I couldn't help but see him lying there all over again in my mind. The beer cans were still up there, scattered all over the place like what had happened to his life. I sat there, kind of shivering, thinking about what had happened in the last few weeks. I don't know were the words came from that I said to Brett's mom. For a long time, I had felt just like her. I had taken her little boy away. He was more mine than hers now. She gave birth to him, took care of him, and loved him. Then I came along and took him away. I thought about that some times. Whenever I'd see his belly button, it reminded me of what she had to go through to have him. The rape, the embarrassment, the shame she must have gone through… That must have been the hard part for her. There I was, the little boy she probably wanted to strangle at times. The boy who she knew was a hot-tempered, selfish little pain in the butt. And it was that very boy who she'd known for so long who had joined to her son in a way she had never imagined. I guess it's easier to pretend that something's not happening than it is to accept it and deal with it. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Well, I admit, I thought I knew exactly how this chapter was going to go. Untill I started writing. Then things got interesting. The first write was too easy. And too much like the others. You get the feeling that Dr. Reilly would know, but then I realized that many times Brett is not at the top of Jen's list. Career often comes first. In a way, she neglects Brett as much as Dustin's mom does, but in a different way. She doesn't yell at him, but she makes it clear that she has a job to do, and he is not to get in the way. So Jen not knowing, but then finding clues and figuring it out was more appropriate, I think. Well, sorry this took so long, but life has been wacky, and I haven't been able to devote the time to writing. Hopefully the chapter is better for the extra time. One more chapter in this part, and then Part Six, then the story will be complete. Next chapter will be a lot of fun, a little exploring, a little outdoors sex, and a lot of Billy, Brett, and George. I'll see you then!