Date: Tue, 06 Jul 2004 23:00:00 -0400 From: Jeff Wilson Subject: W.A.R. Part 6 - Chapter 3 W.A.R. Part Six - Commencement Chapter Three -- Refugee by Jeff Wilson "I always thought I'd be the one who'd run away from home." Dustin said as he prepared the spare bedroom for me. His mother wasn't home, but Dustin had called her and told her what happened and she told him to get things ready for me. "Well, who would have thought that you'd be the one with the coolest mother?" I said as I watched him find an extra blanket in the closet. Dustin laughed at that, and for the first time in a while I laughed too. "I never thought I'd hear anybody say that about my mother. You may be the first." He found a pillow and fluffed it up before he threw it on the bed. Dustin had really come along in the time since his dad got sent to jail. He added some weight to his six foot, one inch frame. So he wasn't so lanky anymore. He changed his dark red hair often, but lately he's had it cut short on the sides and a little longer on the top. Then he gels the longer hair so that he's got his spikes again. Then to top it off, he had the tips highlighted. Add that to the most awesome blue eyes on the planet after Brett's... I don't use the word "hot" often to describe people, but Dustin was hot. If I wasn't taken and he wasn't straight... err... Anyway... "So tell me again what happened. Your mom found out somehow and told the whole church?" "Yeah." I replied. "But the thing is, I still can't figure out how she found out." "Billy, it's not the biggest secret in the world, you know. You said yourself that most of the school knows already anyway. Surely somebody along the way was going to tell. Besides, it's pretty obvious how you guys feel about each other." "Sure... Say, you don't mind me hanging out with you for a while, right? I know you've been busy with everything." I said. Dustin looked at me and smiled. "I'll always have time for you, Lefty. To tell you the truth, I was going to ask you to come over sometime over Christmas break, but things are so hectic now. You and Brett are always doing stuff. I've got that job with Mike, and then I started going out with Emily. Not to mention those teen suicide prevention meetings they make me go to. Honestly, do I look like I'm going to try to kill myself again?" "No. You look pretty happy to me." I replied. And truthfully, I thought he really did look happier than he had in years. He wasn't wearing long sleeves anymore, and people could see his scars. But no one bothered him about it. Then Emily Barnhart and he started going out together. Even though they had always had a close friendship together, it still surprised me when they started dating last year. "I'll never really be happy, Lefty. Not really... Every day, I remember something from back then. It wasn't just the sex, you know. He beat the hell out of me more than a few times. And I couldn't ever tell anybody, not even you. I felt so alone. And every day the feeling got worse and worse until I just wanted to die and get it over with. I'd been so scared that people were going to find out... And then you and Brett knew all along." "You don't know how sorry I am that I never did anything." I said feeling very upset with myself for keeping quiet for so long. "You don't have to be sorry. We were just kids, really. I blamed you a lot when I was at that special school. It was a lot easier to blame you than him. I blamed Brett, too. Even before he helped me, I blamed him. He was so happy and I was so miserable. But it was never any of our faults that my dad was a dick. Did you know he broke two of my ribs when I stole Mike's car?" "No." I said. "Yeah. When we got home after the hearing, he waited until mom went to work, got drunk and yanked me out of bed and kicked the crap out of me. I didn't even go to sleep that night because I knew it was coming. He kept saying, 'you're a worthless piece of shit' and 'you want to get in trouble? Here's your trouble you little bastard.' He just kept kicking me and kicking me. I couldn't defend myself or he'd kick me even harder. He had boots on, too. One kick too many and then, POW! It felt like I was getting stabbed. Right here." He pointed to a spot on his side. "I usually just shut up and took it but it hurt so bad I started crying. I couldn't breathe. He was even more mad that I was crying and kicked me in the head. But then he realized I was there gasping and wheezing for air on the floor and thinking that I was going to suffocate, and the asshole finally realized that he'd hurt me. He told the hospital that I wrecked on my dirt bike. Problem was, I didn't have a dirt bike then. So he had to go buy one in case anybody came asking. The damn thing didn't even work. He made me work and do shit around the house for three months to pay for it, even though I could hardly breathe without it hurting. And you know what's really stupid? Nobody ever even came to check on me. I showed him though when I got that fucking thing running last summer." "Why didn't you say anything? I didn't even know you were hurt!" "Because if I told you then you were going to tell your dad and your dad was going to ask questions. Remember, your dad told me he was abused when he was a kid too. He always asked questions when I was hurt. He asked my mom about it once, and my dad said if he ever came over again he was going to bust my jaw so I couldn't talk. So I always had to make sure that you never knew I was hurt or if you found out that you thought Amanda did it." "I wish you would have told me." I said. "Amanda and I almost did tell. That day when your dad had the stroke... You probably don't remember, but I told you in the bathroom that me and Amanda had worked things out. We were going to tell, the two of us. A lot of it was when you talked to Amanda. We were going to go together. But then I went along with you and mom to the hospital and Amanda stayed home. Then I had to talk with that cop and I saw how scary it was to talk to somebody like that. And I don't know what happened when we were gone, but when we got back Amanda told me that she couldn't go through with it. Then dad found out somehow and beat the hell out of me. Come to think of it, that was right around the time I kicked your arm. I'm still really sorry about that." "I know you are. Dusty... When did your dad start doing all this? I mean, he always was kind of a jerk, but it was hard to picture him actually doing a lot of this stuff." "I can't remember when he started hitting me, Billy. As long as I can remember, he was always hitting me, I guess. But then, my mom was pretty tough too. But she would only slap me or crack me. She never punched me or kicked me or anything. You remember how upset you were when your dad hit you? Imagine that at least once a week." "But you were always so happy when we were little!" I said. "Well most of the time I was just happy whenever I'd leave the house or hang out with you. And he wasn't like constantly beating me. There were lots of times when we really were happy together as a family. It got worse when mom and dad started having problems. That's when the sex started. I never realized until it was too late that he was doing it to Amanda. By the time I figured it out, he ended up doing it to me. It hurt, but it was worse than that... It hurt me more up here when he did that." He said as he pointed to his head. "And then when Mike came along, I thought about telling him so he could help me. But then you told everybody about the night I was crying and it really hurt me because you were about my only real friend. So I went to Mike and I wanted to do something to hurt you and I just ended up sucking his dick. It was the only thing I could think of." "Why would having sex with Mike hurt me?" I asked. "Billy, my mind was so fucked up back then that I didn't know up from down. All I wanted to do was to hurt people when that happened. You know, even when I did that, I didn't get any joy out of it. To me, sex isn't fun. I know you and Brett enjoy it, but it doesn't do anything for me. It's hip thrusts and a spasm, really." "I've never thought of it like that. It's always been about being close and intimate to me." "Well, good for you. The most fun I've ever had naked was that night we played poker. Sad, isn't it? My favorite memory of a naked experience and it's with a gay guy. I mean, I can't even do it with Emily without almost getting sick. Oh, she loves it because I just keep going and going, but it's only because I have to really work to get it to come out. It doesn't do anything but bring back really painful memories. It's more of a chore than anything. Shit, I only fuck her because I don't want her to start talking to her friends. I'd be perfectly happy without it." Dustin's voice became stuffy as he explained it to me. "Have you told anybody about this?" "No. Who am I supposed to tell? Emily? Sorry babe, having sex with you makes me feel like I'm going to throw up. Yeah, that's going to fly. My mom? She's not exactly the most caring and understanding person in the world. She thinks I should be over it by now. And besides, I'm not going to tell my mom I'm having sex." "What about..." "If you say to tell Brett's mom I'm going to hurt you. That's always your solution. I mean she's great and all, but she's weirder than I am about sex. I swear, Brett must be one of those test tube babies or something. I mean, we've never seen his dad and I don't think his mother has had sex since he was conceived." Dustin laughed a little but stopped when he saw that I wasn't laughing. "It was a joke, Billy." He had never learned what really happened to Brett's mom. "It wasn't very funny, especially after what happened to you. She helped to save your life, you know!" "You don't think I realize that! Look at me!" He turned his wrists around to show the dark pink scars to me. "You don't think I know that I should have died from this? I can't even remember it! I just remember taking dad's beer and my hunting knife. I remember going up into those woods and not expecting to ever come back. You don't know what it's like to have nothing to live for anymore. It fucking sucks! You don't know what it's like to have to take five pills every damn day to make sure you don't go and shoot yourself! And you know what? Maybe if you stopped whining about how terrible your life is because your mom knows that you're gay and just dealt with it you wouldn't be such a fucking pussy! I'd give anything to have your life. Anything! Gay thing and all. I'd rather have your problems than my problems anytime!" "Dusty, you don't understand." "Billy, quit being a coward, and for once in your life have some balls and deal with it!" I just sat there staring at him. "I'm sorry." Dustin said. "I shouldn't have yelled at you." "No, it's okay. Maybe I need to be yelled at sometimes. I just don't know what to do. I don't have anybody I can go to and get help. I really miss my dad." "I know you do, Billy. But he wouldn't want you to stop living your life just because he's not around anymore. This is one sick, fucked up world, isn't it? My dad rapes me and is still alive, and your dad was awesome and he's the one who dies. I wish my dad had died instead of your dad." "No, you don't." I replied. "Yes I sure as hell do." "No, don't ever wish that on yourself, Dustin. Even if he's a son of a bitch, he's still your dad. I would never wish what I've gone through on anybody. I really miss him. Every day. He wouldn't have let my mom do this to me." "Mom said you could stay here as long as it takes. But I don't see your mom letting you go so easily. She does love you Billy. She might have a whacko way of showing it, but you know she does." I sighed. "I'm just tired of always having to pretend to be something that I'm not around her." "Well, apparently, you haven't done that good of a job of it anyway if she already knows." "But the thing is, I never even told her. She never even gave me a clue that she knew. I mean, what if she was wrong? She would have humiliated me even more than she did. Dad came to me. Brett's mom came to me. Fuck, even Joey came to me, and he's about as smart as a pack of crayons. Why does mom have to be such a moron?" Dustin sat there looking at me, unsure of what to say to that. "Billy... Your mom isn't that bad. When you go home, she's not going to hit you. She's not going to go nuts and throw you out. She might pray for you. She might tell you she's disappointed in you. But she's not going to be as terrible as you've always thought she was going to be. You've always been so scared of what she's going to do... It's the same thing that kept you from telling about me and dad. You think too much. You get a picture of some terrible worst case thing in your head, but the reality isn't as bad as you thought it was going to be." "Yeah... I guess. It's still not going to be as easy as you make it out to be. After all, I never thought you'd go and try to kill yourself when your dad got caught." "There are always going to be risks. But I just don't think it will be as bad as you think it will be. But you won't know until you go find out. Hey, while you're here, you think you can give me a ride over to the bike shop? I need to pick up a couple of parts." "You wouldn't have to bum rides off people if you hadn't been such an idiot and gotten your license suspended before you even got it." I said. "And how exactly are we supposed to go for a drive without a car?" "Mom will be back by five. You can drive her car. She won't care." "Will the place even be open on a Sunday evening?" "I have a little agreement with the shop owner. It won't be a problem." "We'll see." I replied. When Dustin's mom came home, she did let us take her car to the dirt bike shop. The first thing Dustin did when we got out of the car at the store was light up a cigarette. He knew better than to smoke at his house or in his mom's car. No matter how much I told him to quit, he still insisted that it was his choice and he could quit at any time. Despite that, I have to admit, it was impossible to be in a bad mood around Dustin. He'd been to hell and back, and if you thought you had troubles he was the first to tell you to get over it. He was so excited that he could actually see something in the shop that he wanted and pull out his wallet and pay for it with his own money. He could have been really miserable about not being allowed to drive until he was eighteen, and at first he was angry about it. But he knew that it was his own fault. He still was able to get around, whether he bummed a ride from me or Brett, or on that dirt bike that he spent all that time tearing apart and putting back together. One nice thing about not being able to drive was that he didn't have to pay for gas or insurance. I was working like a dog on Miss Winston's farm for money to pay for mine. And now that winter had arrived, she wouldn't be needing me, so I didn't know where I was going to get the money. When we got back to his house, I was relieved that my mom hadn't tracked me down. But when we walked into the house, I was in for a surprise. "Your mother was here while you were out, Billy." Mrs. Smith said as Dustin and I were about to head upstairs for some fun. "What did she say?" Dustin asked before I had the chance to. "I convinced her that it was best that you stay here tonight, and that you would go home after school tomorrow." She said. "I'm not going back." I said. "Then what are you going to do? You're almost eighteen. You think you can start out on your own without any money?" "I just know that I'm not going back and I'll deal with it later." I said. Dustin and I played on the computer he got from Mike for a while and soon it was time to head to bed. My head hit the pillow, but I didn't fall asleep. I tossed and turned for a good two hours. I tried to clear my head, but my mind wouldn't stop. Finally, I was able to get at least a few hours of rest. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Well, sometimes you write something and you think you're ready to go and then something happens and you want to go in a different direction. That's what sort of happened here. I had this chapter done and ready to go when I released chapter one. But between then and now, I had some interesting conversations and they resulted in a different view on this part of the story. So what that means to you is that you get a more bitter Dustin. I realized that this boy was basically tortured for a long time and he's not going to be quite right ever again. So even though he's found a measure of peace, he is still tormented by his past. At least he's talking about it now, though. So he's on road to recovery. But that road is going to go on for a very long time for him. Next chapter, we'll begin Billy's road to recovery. Be sure to write to tell me what you thought of this chapter!!! jkwsquirrel@yahoo.com or vicioussquirrel@hotmail.com See you next time!