i would be interested in any comments
Nancy, Miss Holmes, was well into her fifties. She did like working with children. Still she always felt something was missing in her life.
Nancy had been expected to be a real `high flyer'. She knew there was something different about herself. It had scared her, Do not believe what you have heard about the `permissive 60s'. Telling ANYONE in 1964 or 1965 that you were a dyke would have been a disaster for an intending `career girl'.
Instead Nancy had assumed her very strong attractions were an illness. She had thought to cure it. Actually for all his `bad boy' image and his motor cycle Patrick could have been a loving husband. If there was a man with whom she could have managed suppressing her deepest self- it was Patrick.
Nancy, wrongly, got the impression that all the girls at her college were `doing it' with men. It would have been the most natural thing in the World for a `normal' girl in that climate to have sex with Patrick. Nancy was trying to be such a girl.
She liked that Patrick seemed to like `it'. They were not careful.
Despite what people might have said Patrick would have `done the decent thing'- have married Nancy, It would not have been a perfect life for either of them but it might have been tolerable.
But there was a part of Patrick which needed to show how brave, and perhaps how bad he was. Maybe he was pretending with Nancy as much as she was with him. He died like the hero in some morbid song- his skull smashed in a 120 mph motor cycle crash.
Nancy's pregnancy might have been the best thing that could have happened. She did fancy women far more than men, but she also liked kids, and wanted one of her own.
Her parents were not understanding, Her college was not understanding. She lost her place. She lost her good name. She was viciously bullied into letting her beautiful daughter be given up for adoption.
Now instead of a well paid high flyer she was `a nobody'. She was library assistant at a high school library. And it was worse than that. Her hours and her pay were halved, Nancy would have to give up her lovely flat because the rent was too high. She started looking with very little enthusiasm for flat shares.
Sophie WAS a HIGH FLYER. Her `parents' had pushed and pushed her from day one. She was, her parents proudly told her, the youngest kid in her small American town to be weaned off milk onto solids. She was said to have been out of diapers at 15 months.
There is no doubt that Sophie always had great intellectual potential, She would have probably succeeded in whatever she planned to do. But in her case there was another factor, Both her parents had planned great things for`their' `son'. The `son' being a `daughter' was a disappointment but they encouraged her just the same.
Her `mom' was 45. Actually her biological mother was 17. However For the first 20 years of her life she called her true mother her sister and her uncle her brother.
Sophie's (grand) parents had `hothoused' her and pushed her at school and at home. She was literate at 4. She was only ever given `educational' toys. Her neighbours had the sense that they did not really want Sophie to be a child at all.
Sophie had rather envied the neighbour children. She heard her own family saying that it was unhealthy to `baby' kids.
Sophie did very well at high school. Her parents were delighted that she did not seem to go through a `boy crazy' phase. There was of course a reason for that. Sophie did not at first understand that.
Sophie found a job in England. She was working for an international charity. She earned much less than she could have if she had gone into the private or governmental sector.
Sophie was a home owner. She had bought a lovely house. She had spare rooms for when her parents visited from America. She could hope to find somebody else some time. When she bought the place she knew she could easily afford to make the repayments.
Unfortunately the mortgage interest was pushed up. Then it went up again. Then some more. Sophie would struggle. She advertised for a lodger.
Nancy with her money and hours cut looked at adverts for rooms. She knew she would be leaving her own flat in the next month. She saw the advert.
Sophie liked Nancy from the moment she knocked on the door. She was sure that this would be the ideal tenant. Sophie saw a maternal element in the 55 year old lady.
Sophie needed the rent money from Nancy. Nancy liked living in such a lovely home, much better than the flat she had before.
Nancy was also the kind of person who liked to have a tidy home. Sophie also quite liked that idea but she found herself working very long hours. It was lovely.
Sophie and Nancy both had `other' needs. Sophie put an advert into a newspaper for a girl friend. She had mentioned that she wanted an older woman.
Nancy saw the advert. She kind of knew where her natural love would go. She replied to the box number, not knowing who it was. By letter the two women agreed where to meet.
It was a lovely cafe in some gardens. The two `strangers' met. They were both embarrassed. Nancy was expecting her new girlfriend. Sophie was expecting to meet her woman friend. Neither really wanted the other to know that they had put in or answered an advert.
Each walked away from the cafe and then came back. Each looked for the person they were due to meet. After nearly an hour they realized they were due to meet each other.
They then spent twenty minutes giggling.
"Perhaps you could come to my place?"
The two women went home. They talked some more. Each seemed to be the kind of girl the other was looking for. They went into Sophie's large tastefully decorated bedroom.
Neither was particularly experienced. Both were nervous. Sophie's favourite love game was sucking on Nancy's breasts, which were still ample despite her years. Better still Nancy's favourite game was having `little Sophie' at her bosom. Nancy was four inches taller than her `landlady'. She was also considerably more `cuddly' than Sophie.
The next Saturday Sophie and Nancy went together to the same local park. While they were sitting on the park bench on a hot lovely April day they saw a mom with her baby. The kid was nearly two. She was wearing a pretty dress. It was obvious that this child was the centre of her mother's world. The mother carefully put little Amy into a special swing for toddlers and pushed her gently for ages.
Then the mom carefully helped the child to use the slide. The mother was not going to take any risks with her kid.
Nancy went over and congratulated the mother on how beautiful Amy looked. The mom asked Nancy:
"Do you have any kids?"
Nancy burst into tears.
Sophie took Nancy home. She told her story. She explained her attempts to be `normal'. She talked about how good it indeed felt to have been expecting and how devastating it was when first Patrick died and then she was forced out of college. The so called `mother an baby home' was like a sadistic prison camp, she scrubbed floors a month before the baby was born. Then she had to give her away.
Sophie told her story. She said how much she envied little Amy who was being allowed to be a baby rather than forced to grow up so quickly.
Nancy said how much she envied the mother. Sophie was a bit worried about where this conversation was going.
"In about ten years I might consider finding a sperm donor. And you would be LOVELY step mom or Grandma but I enjoy the work I do and its important.
"I love you as a lover but I really do not want you to think of co-parenting."
Nancy had not thought that far ahead. It was a disappointment for her to hear the idea and then lose it. She even wondered whether she might herself look for another lady love who would have babies on her agenda. But in fact she knew she was falling in love with `little Sophie'.
Nancy had expected her lover home by six that Friday. She did not get there until 8. Still Nancy's preparations were ready.
"Darling I've got a surprise for you."
"What's the surprise?"
"First you've got to close your eyes and sit down."
Sophie complied with older woman's wishes. She felt Nancy's hand gently and lovingly doing something around her neck.
"Keep your eyes closed."
Instructed Nancy. Sophie heard the older woman go away. She heard her come back. Something smelt lovely.
"Can I open my eyes."
Sophie was finding it hard to hold her eyes closed. She loved and trusted her lover but this was weird.
"In a moment, Sophie. But first open your mouth."
"Now open your eyes."
Sophie was relieved and obeyed. She saw the spoon approaching her mouth. Nancy gave Sophie a spoon full of rice pudding. It was sweet and was also flavored with nutmeg. It tasted wonderful.
Then Sophie looked in the mirror. She could see she was wearing a bib marked `baby Sophie'.
"I've got another present for little Sophie. I bet she doesn't feel comfortable in that business trouser suit."
Nancy had been very busy with her needle and thread. She offered Sophie a pink and white dress. It was in Sophie's size but in every other respect it was identical to the one they had seen on Amy the previous weekend.
"Pwetty pwease can lickle Sophie have der pwetty dwess?"
"Of course honeybunch. But please lets finish our rice."
Sophie did love the way Nancy made rice pudding. She had enjoyed it before when she had take a turn to cook a regular meal. It was even better when it was spoon fed with such love.
After she had finished eating the rice Sophie, the relatively rich home owner let her definitely poor lodger take over. The older woman gently undressed the younger one. It was almost what she had done for her little baby for that month more than thirty years earlier. Nancy enjoyed it.
The dress Nancy had made fitted Sophie perfectly. Of course Sophie was in lots of ways not exactly the same as Amy (although she was not particularly well endowed in her breasts). Nancy had no idea of wear to buy shoes that would be in right style but fit Sophie. Instead she had knitted booties.
Nancy of course would not have minded that Sophie's bush would be on display. But that would make her look unbaby like. So Nancy stenciled cartoon characters onto a rather frilly pair of panties.
Once Sophie was properly dressed Nancy sat on the sofa. She opened her blouse. She held `baby' first to one breast and then to the other until midnight. Although she also gave Sophie a baby bottle of actual milk. She had even bought proper baby formula.
By then it was natural for the two women to sleep in the same bed. Nancy's other present to Sophie was a `baby doll' nightie.
"Baba ought to wear footy jammies"
Remarked Sophie. That was something else for Nancy to sew. After all the school only employed her now for 18 hours a week and during the week Sophie was so busy at her office.
England's weather is variable. The next day it was very cold. This had some advantages for the couple.
Sophie did own a warm and very long coat. She was able to go out with her lover wearing her very short childish dress under the coat. Nobody would know.
Nancy took her to a toy shop and they bought some soft toys- a panda and a monkey as well as a drink and wet dolly.
"Who are they for."
Asked the lady at the cash desk, no doubt expecting to be told of Nancy's niece or grandchild.
"They are for me."
Sophie replied smiling. The lady was not that surprised at the panda being bought for an adult woman. She just assumed that when she said the doll was for her it was either a joke or some kind of demonstration model.
Cuddling a soft toy was not as wonderful and cuddling Nancy but Sophie did enjoy it. And Nancy was busy being `Mommy' which meant she had to prepare meals and things like that.
That night Nancy insisted on bathing baby. On the Friday they had showered. This time Nancy undressed the younger woman and physically washed her from head to tow. She concentrated particularly hard on what would be called `the diaper area' on a real baby.
On Sunday the two women continued playing mummy and baby. Sophie noticed that Nancy sort of missed her part in the gamed and played with the dolly- frequently both feeding and changing the plastic pretend baby.
On Monday both Nancy and Sophie had to go back to work. They did not have the energy for much playing but the time then got back home. They agreed to resume the game the following weekend.
Both had been busy trying to make the game more realistic. Nancy had managed to buy a very big potty. It had felt odd for `baby' to go to the bathroom on her own.
Sophie had gone further. She had bought some disposable diapers for adults. It had been tricky. Most `incontinence pads' she had seen had been designed to be as unlike nappies as possible. Still she found some. She explained it was for a `fancy dress'.
"I bet your boy friend loves being in nappies."
Mistakenly commented the shopkeeper.
That weekend was as much fun as the previous one. Sophie did not wet or mess her disposable nappies. However Nancy insisted that she no longer be allowed to go to the bathroom but have to ask for the potty.
On Sunday night Sophie had woken up desperate for the bathroom. She thought her lover was asleep. She crept out. When she got back into the bedroom Nancy was sitting up awake.
"Baby Sophie been naughty. She's too little to go to the bathroom on her own. Sophie needs to be spanked on her botty."
Sophie lay across her lover's knees. She allowed herself to be spanked. It stung a little but mostly it was wonderful.
Nancy had always loved kids. She had known Rose for 7 years. Rose was then 18. Rose was a very clever young woman who enjoyed school work. Rose's mother had lost her father to a car crash. Rose had helped bring up her younger brothers.
Rose had made a mistake. It was in some ways the same mistake Nancy had made more than 30 years earlier. You could say that Edmund was Rose's mistake. But he was far too charming a 3 month old to seem like a mistake.
Edmund's father was also Edmund. Edmund senior though very young would have been willing to help bring up his son. Sadly Edmund senior's parents were `old fashioned' in all the worst ways. Understandably they were angry their son had fathered a child. Rose's mom was not exactly delighted either. Edmund's paternal grandparents forced his father to separate from his mother. Nancy was shocked when she worked out the reason. Edmund was white. Rose's parents were from Trinidad.
Rose had not given up on her studies. It was very hard to fit that in with caring for little Edmund. Somehow she was managing.
Now that Friday there was a trip which was very important for Rose's studies. She did not really think she could take little Edmund all that way. Her mother could not take the time off.
Nancy over heard the conversation.
"If you would trust me I would love to look after Edmund."
Rose went over to hug the aging library worker. Nancy would be off work that Friday anyway.
There was a surprise for Nancy. She had thought she would have to spend lots of time sorting out baby formula. She was a little alarmed when mother and baby son arrived.
"Baby loves his breakfast."
Rose said as Edmund greedily satisfied his needs at her boobies. Nancy was worried:
"How can I feed little Edmund? I don't think that he'll be happy with formula."
Rose smiled broadly.
"You can give Edmund some of my milk."
Rose had expressed her spare milk. It was frozen. It could be defrosted in time for when Edmund was ready for it.
Nancy certainly enjoyed her day looking after a real baby. She took him out to that same park, although of course he was too young to go on the slide or swing or really to join in feeding the ducks.
Nancy knew that she only had this baby for a few hours. Plus of course he could not be `her' baby. The baby she had given away- or rather had been stolen by sanctimonious so call christians- had been a little girl.
Rose had given Edmund a particularly big feed before she left. Edmund had a long sleep that afternoon. When Rose came to Nancy's home he was still asleep. The two women talked. Nancy told Rose about her experience:
"I suppose you envy me. I made the same mistake and do not seem to have paid the price."
Nancy did not agree.
"I do sort of envy girls who have it all. But that's not you. Other girls get to spend all their time partying. In twenty years time, when they want a baby as a fashion accessory, they will be able to pay the nanny, or under pay the au pair to go with the kid."
When Edmund woke up Rose of course fed him. Rose envied her for being able to so personally give this child the nourishment. Even for that one month she had her daughter Nancy had not been allowed to feed her own little girl.
Nancy phoned Rose shortly after she went home. She said that there were some feeds spare. Rose explained that once a feed had been defrosted it could not be safely refrozen. The feeds would be okay for that evening but it would be much better for Edmund to be given REALLY fresh milk. Nancy would give the bottles back to Rose some time the next week.
Nancy would not have dreamt of telling Rose what she was going to do with the milk. She would certainly not be throwing it away.
Nancy did try a little of the mother's milk herself. It tasted pleasant enough.
That evening Sophie spent even more time than usual at Nancy's breasts that evening. However when she was not pretending to suck her lover's milk she was really drinking Rose's.
Perhaps there was nothing special about the flavor and the texture of the real baby milk Sophie was fed. Perhaps there was something special.
But the way it felt was magic. It was Rose's way of loving Edmund. Nancy had shown how much she loved her students by giving her unpaid day off to care for Edmund. And of course it was Nancy's way of showing how much she loved her lover.
It even felt special when Sophie felt something.
"Me want potty."
Although Sophie had `submitted' to the ritual of being put on a child's potty many times before this time it felt different as she filled it.
Nancy then cleaned her, almost as if it were a diaper change. Then Nancy re-taped the diaper tapes.
Different people have different views as to whether it is good for a baby to sleep with its mom. Nancy never had any doubt that she wanted her `baby' in her bed.
There were other occasions when Nancy looked after Edmund. Often there was some of Rose's milk spare. Nancy had confessed to quite liking it when there was some spare.
"I wonder what Edmund's daddy would think of mother's milk?"
Nancy smiled. She wondered too. She could not say what her lover thought of it.
Nancy did not mind putting Sophie into disposable nappies. Yet she was brought up in a different generation. To her babies wore nappies. And to Nancy nappies were square bits of terry cloth firmly fastened with nappy pins.
Nancy had also heard about ecological arguments. She thought that disposable nappies were bad for the environment.
Nancy bought three dozen old fashioned terry nappies- or cloth diapers as Sophie would say. She left 16 as they were. She cut 16 into half. She cut 4 into quarters. Then she got very busy with her needled and cotton thread. She eventually had 16 old fashioned baby napkins which would be in the right size for Sophie, who was quite small.
Nancy had some other plans for that next weekend. She would not tell Sophie until she had to.
As she had for many weeks Sophie allowed Nancy to put her into the very babyish dress. She was slightly surprised that she did not start by taping the diapers.
"I've got some very special napkins for my baby."
Sophie was nervous.
"Please be careful not to stick me with a pin."
"Mummy be very careful. And baby use baby talk."
Nancy then stuck an oversized dummy or pacifier that she had bought in a fancy dress shop into her lover's mouth.
Nancy then very gently powdered Sophie's ass. Some of the powder got on the pretty dress but that did not matter. She took her time being very careful with how she folded the diapers into a kite shape.
Sophie was rather surprised that Nancy insisted on pinning two diapers around her. She also thought the plastic panties were taking things a little far.
On the other hand Sophie looked at a mirror and saw the plumpness on her butt. She felt the bulk between her legs and down there. She felt a bit more like a real baby.
Sophie kind of noticed that her `mother' was giving her lots of feeds. It did seem early when Nancy took Sophie to bed. It was strange to find a rubber sheet on the bed.
Just after ten that evening Sophie took out her huge pacifier and said:
"Sophie need potty."
She was in for a huge surprise. Nancy replied.
"Sophie has nap naps. Sophie doesn't need potty."
Sophie started getting up to go to the bathroom. Nancy held her in a firm cuddle. Sophie was younger and probably stronger. She could certainly have got away. Instead she stopped struggling.
It took much longer for Sophie to stop struggling with other muscles. She had not wet herself for a VERY long time and it was hard to let go.
It was after midnight when Sophie finally gave up the struggle. Going to the bathroom can also be called relieving oneself. And letting go was certainly a relief. It even felt quite nice to feel the wet warmness. After a few minutes Sophie had finished. She knew she needed her dydees changed. But Nancy was asleep. Sophie was also very tired.