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"360 Degrees of Difficulty"
Copyright October 2008 All Rights Reserved.
...Looking at the both of them I swallowed down my hate, anger and pain. Now most would think "Kevo, you should just let the past be. You didn't go to jail just a few foster homes and group centers and you have a chance to start your life anew." And you know I can maybe see that point, slightly.
The thing is my grandfather used up his life savings to try to get me out of the jam. He ended up having a stroke and needing to be placed in a nursing home. My brother no longer speaks to me; Vice and my brother ended up damn near on the streets having to fend for themselves all because I made a decision that was foolish yes, but noble in a ghetto sweet way to stand by a female that ended up dissing the fuck out of me.
Thing was, I thought she was different, I thought she was special but the reality was...
She wasn't shit.
When I was younger Vice warned me that Mya wasn't my friend but I wouldn't believe him. He said she was too damn envious of me to which I replied, "Envious of what?"
Bagging up my books and shit in my messenger bag I made my way towards the exit hoping to pass them both without running into either of them.
As I got closer to their group of friends one of them backed up into me causing the girl to drop her books.
"--Oh shit, I am really sorry," she began reaching down to retrieve them. I bent them to help her feeling my hood slip from my head revealing my face as I stood back up.
"It's all good," I replied handing her a Communication text; I found myself opposite both Kristen and Mya who stood beside the short, blond girl who was with them.
"Kevo?" I saw the shocked expression on both of their faces. Well, shock on one and fear on the other.
"Hello Kristen." I answered ignoring Mya whose body grew tense with nervousness under my gaze. I watched both of them look me up and down. I had done what I needed to do so I didn't show up for my classes looking like some reject or welfare recipient. My red Ecko hoodie and dark Ecko boot cut jeans slung a tab bit low on my narrow waist. Adjusting my hoodie to fully reveal how I had come into my own in looks I noticed the other girl that bumped into me eye me appreciatively. Funny, she just saw the outer being of who I was, she knew nothing about what I was now thinking, feeling or capable of--she didn't know me. And if she had any sense she wouldn't try to, but I knew that she would; she was damn near drooling.
Kristen noticed it too; I saw her look at her friend with possible attitude; interesting.
"What are you doing here? You're--"
"I'm going to school. This is my second semester." I answered hollowed. I didn't want to be standing there. Didn't want to talk to her, see her, or be in her presence. She still burned in my heart and my soul.
Neither didn't know that my sentence was reviewed in juvenile court where a judge decided that I had did enough time for assault and battery which is what my sentenced had been reduced to. I ended up remanded to foster care soon after.
I'd ended up ahead of both of them by taking college classes online while finishing high school. I eyed Mya up and down; she dropped her eyes. What a coward bitch; she had the nerve to put me in jail but not enough to look me in the fucking eye.
"You wanna--?" Kristen began before I cut her off pushing pass them towards the door.
"I got class."
I didn't bother to turn around I could see their reflection in the glass doors; Kristen started behind me only to have Mya stop her pulling her back. It was just as well. I'd seen her already too much. We didn't have anything else to say. She'd lost her chance sometime in the four years when she didn't respond to not one letter I sent her.
I couldn't believe she was there, god she looked incredible. I'd forgotten how sexy Kevo was. Her hair was long, pulled back in a single ponytail that draped into the hood of her sweat jacket and her eyes were almost the color of the night's sky. My heart had raced just like it did when we were younger only this time I felt a immediate throbbing between my legs.
Yet, I couldn't deny she was different. More reserved, almost dark and closed off from people now. She didn't even speak to Mya who I thought was her best friend and shit and Mya didn't speak back.
"Mya, what was that all about with you and Kevo back there?" I asked standing beside her waiting for the bus. It had begun snowing. Mya adjusted her coat pointing out towards her bus.
"Look, its nothing. Kevo is just Kevo--how bout I call you tonight?" She answered boarding her bus leaving me to wait alone for mine on the quickly darkening bus stop. She didn't hear my response for the door closed up and pulled from the curb leaving me behind in the cold.
Sitting in my car at the light, I watched Mya get on the bus leaving Kristen on the bus stop in the sleet.
Typical Mya bullshit.
My mind told me to drive by her, but something forced me to make a left handed u-turn and pull up to the bus stop where she stood. Rolling down my tinted window on the passenger side I leaned over.
It wasn't a request or a question. I watched her look into the car after recognizing me in the driver's seat. She hesitated one second too fucking long.
"Aiight then, I'm outta here." I hit the power window switch and began to roll my window back up.
"Wait Kevo--" She got in bringing with her a gush of cool air. I could see out the corner of my eye that she was eyeing me with a questioning look. Pulling off into traffic I asked her where she was headed. She now lived with her aunt who lived near Coppin on the other side of town.
I lit up a joint not saying a word.
"Wow, you blaze now?" Kristen asked a little taken back by my mean green burning from my lips. I glanced at her.
"What did you expect me to stay goodie goodie after doing time and being pushed through the system for four years? Yeah I smoke weed, drink, cuss and fuck. What can I say, I'm a product of my environment."
I watched her turn away; her eyes watering. So what, as far as I was concerned they were crocodile tears.
"Why are you acting like you hate me Kevo?" she was crying fully now looking at me. I didn't answer; the car was floating with the smell of bud burning.
"You told me to tell them you did it and you act like you are mad with me, why?"
I had cut down 28th street; pulling over onto a deserted street I put the car once again in park.
"Yeah, I did tell you that and kept that secret with me always. But the thing is at least you could have wrote me, could have replied to at least one of my letters to you all those years. But instead you hook up with my ex best friend after she lied on me in court. And in case you are wondering I ain't feeling either one of you bitches, aiight?"
"What are you talking bout? I never got any letters from you and I wrote you. Didn't Mya give you the letters when she visited you?" She whipped her face.
"Kristen I sent you a letter once week for four years to your address on Greene Street--"
"What the hell are you talking about? That's Mya address she lives on Greene Street not me. I never got any letters from you Kevo; if I had I would have responded."
We sat in silence, both of us lost in our own thoughts. It was some real shit. Mya planned this out--she wanted to destroy my life. Now it was all about me, her and karma.
I felt Kristen hand on my arm and I pulled away.
"Honestly Kevo, I didn't know. Why would Mya do that to you she's your best friend--"
"Nah, that ho ain't my best any damn thing aiight?" I dropped the powered window beside me some.
"Kevo, Mya said that you wanted me to move on with my life and shit would be alright. That you were out in the county and fine--"
"Oh she said I was fine, eh?" I gritted my teeth. "Do I look fine right here?" I pulled my hoodie up around my waist displaying a long scar that ran the course around my belly.
"Does that look fine to you Kristen, or how bout this?" I pull my sleeve up showing a burn scar beside my tattoo on my arm that read "Real Life, Real Trouble" which was encircled by a snake.
"How bout this one for you?" I snapped pointing to an old cut above my eye that ran into my eyebrow.
"Oh my god Kevo what happened to you?" She reached out touching my exposed stomach bringing a chill throughout my body.
"What happened to me? Baby-girl life happened to me." I pulled my hoodie back down trying to calm my temper, my mind racing. The scars ran deeper than the actual wounds. I was torn in how I felt right then about Kristen. Could it be she was pawn same as me? If that was the case then Mya and me had a date with destiny.
"Why would she do that Kevo--?"I heard Kristen's voice continue breaking into my thoughts. She now was holding my hand; I didn't pull away. The laugh that came from me was bitter and harsh; probably too harsh for my young nineteen years of age. Subconsciously her hands withdrew from me.
"Kristen, I use to ask myself that a lot and the only real answer was the ho was never my friend; just someone waiting in the shadows to do me harm. Now the shadows offer no comfort or protection for her ass."
We sat quietly in my car watching the snow fall on the dark streets of Baltimore; both lost in our own thoughts. Finally, Kristen broke the silence first.
"--So, what did you say?"
"What?" I answered confused.
"What did your letters say?" She watched me with a sober expression on her face that I couldn't quite read. I didn't answer right away; instead I continue watching the snow touched down onto the ground. When I finally found my voice it was only a whisper meant for the quiet confines of the car between the two of us.
"Does it matter?" I shifted behind the wheel of my car. "I mean would it change history or give me back the dreams I once had? Check this out--I don't think so."
She sat there looking at her hands in her lap. The car had gotten extremely warm with the heat on and she had opened her coat a bit.
"Kevo, I am sorry shit happened as it did. You did something for me that I could never ever find a way to repay you for. Now if you're angry at me then at least tell me why instead of putting shade up in my face light this."
It was then that I lost my temper; she didn't know why I was upset with her? Bullshit. Maybe just maybe it was because she was with Mya and not me. Maybe it was because she was giving herself to her instead of me?
"Are you smoking stupid rock or sumthin'? You ended up with my so called ex best friend and you don't think I would be mad about it?"
I watched her head drop, "She said that you thought it was a good idea--"
"And you believed her?" I yelled, voice vibrating in the small enclosure. "Imma take a fucking charge for you, go to jail and then tell you to get with someone else? I don't fucking think so and you know what? Your damn ass shouldn't have thought that either."
"―Kevo nothing! I was in-love with you or are you telling me you couldn't figure that one out after all this muthafuckin' time?" I slammed my fist into the steering wheel hard.
I didn't realize the tears falling freely down my face. I didn't believe in tears; tears were a sign of weakness. Being locked up and fucked around by the system taught me not to be weak. I wasn't weak. The two of us sat not speaking finally she decided to speak.
"Is that statement built on past tense?" her voice came out softly as she turned my face towards her own looking deeply into my eyes.
"The one where you said you were in-love with me?" She unhooked her seatbelt from around her waist. I could only grip the steering wheel tighter. Why was she doing this to me? Why did it feel like I was losing control over the situation? She was with Mya--she was the one that deserted me. Shrugging her hands off of me I turned on the windshield wipers pushing the fresh, wet snow from the windshield.
Putting the car in drive I pulled from the curb back on the now semi deserted, snow covered street slowly. I didn't want to talk about it with her. Couldn't be around her; it was just too much. I hated her just like I hated Mya, but at the same time I loved her...
...I was still in-love with her.
She and I didn't speak for the remainder of the drive to her aunt's house. Looking up onto the porch she must have read my mind.
"I moved in with her after shit went down with my mother. She never believed what was happening to me with Mac; said I was tossing my ass at him." She rolled her eyes angrily at the memory of her mother.
I nodded my head in understanding. Her aunt wasn't banking like her fucked up ass mother was; they were living in a semi rundown house that had seen better days just like most of the other houses in the city that wasn't in the Canton area or Fells Point.
"Thanks for the ride Kevo." She began moving to open the car's door.
"Do me a favor Kristen?" I asked looking at her. She stopped, turning towards me waiting.
"Don't tell Mya about this." I was expecting her to ask why but she didn't; she just nodded her head. She got out of the car and stopped, peering back into the car at me.
"I know you're not going to believe me Kevo but the truth of the matter is I was in-love with you too. I realized that watching you go through all you did throughout the trial. And I never stopped thinking about you even though you may think I forgot about you and I want you to know this." I could see the sadness in her eyes.
What had I done? It was apparent that Mya lied to me about Kevo. She was so selfish yet--yet, I had remained with her for close to three years now. I'd made a mistake. I'd trusted Mya and she lied. It was not the first time she'd lied to me. She'd lied to me several times when I caught her cheating repeatedly on me with other girls. No, I was to blame for not trying harder to see Kevo or communicate with her and she ended up hurt and bitter.
If only I had the courage to stand up for myself. She'd given her youth up because she loved me; my own mother didn't love me enough to do that but she did. My mind went back to how hardened Kevo's once soft; black eyes looked when she spoke to me tonight. I saw hate in them. Hate for me, hate for Mya, hate for life and we deserved it.
My cell phone began to ring; picking it up I didn't recognized the number:
"--So was your statement a matter of past tense?" I heard a sexy voice come through the cell; my own voice caught in my throat before I found it.
"What statement would that be?" I whispered for no reason; there was no one in my bedroom with me. The line was quiet for a few moments and I could hear Kevo breathing; thinking one of her private thoughts I instinctively kknew.
"The one where you said you were once in-love with me."
"My heart quickened and I closed my eyes knowing my answer would change the game from that point forward.
"Kevo I still love you and I am in-love with you. You loved me when no one else would or did and I took the easy way in dealing with you--I gave myself to another and I regret it."
She said nothing; the silence grew heavy as I waited wondering what she was thinking, what she was feeling.
"I gotta go."
...Was all I heard before the line went dead in my ear and Kevo had hung up...
To Be Continued...
Thank you for reading this story and if it is the case, my other story:
"I Don't Want to Be a Playa No More" Which is listed in the lesbian adult section of Nifty.org
Anyway, here's my blog site: "A Word of Kaution." Bear with me, its brand spanking new so the content will be up soon. On it you can check out an excerpt of my book:
"Nothing Short of a Rainbow" release date: 11.15.2208.
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