Date: Wed, 7 Jul 2004 01:35:17 -0400
From: xxxblueeyedbabe4uxxx@yahoo.com
Subject: All that surrounds me - Installment 1

This is a rather complex story.  It revolves around the realism of
relationships and truth behind people.  I attempted to really get in depth
of the characters.  I wanted you to be able to feel exactly what they were
feeling.  Anyways, I hope that all of you will like this story and really
see that the meaning behind it goes far beyond sex craves and lust.  Thanks
Jackie

Disclaimer - If you know you're not supposed to be reading this, don't.


All that Surrounds Me


1998

     Youth.  It is such a pity how much it was wasted.  I regretted
watching the best years of my life pass by without the slightest bit of
hesitation.  I found myself a twenty-six year old woman in the midst of my
being and nothing to show for it.  My assets consisted of a two bedroom
apartment and a 1994 Ford Taurus.  I lived alone and my job as a waitress
wasn't even steady.  I would say that my success was very slender.
     Accomplishments in my love life were slim and very rare.  I had 6
series of lovers, most of which had turned out to be schmucks.  Three of
them were unfaithful, one an abusive alcoholic, one sick of me and another
lacked common sense.  I had blamed myself for such incompetence and
inability to keep a relationship.  Due to my lack of social skills and
physical beauty, it was quite common for me to be alone.
     Work had seemed to be my only option for some reason.  The highlight
of my days were watching the regular customers who are just as I was.  They
got up each morning with the same routine, alone and bored.  It almost felt
like they knew me better than my own family, seeing as how I never talked
to them.  When I visited on special occasions or holidays I purposely dod
everything in my power to avoid my mother.  She never failed to ask me,
"Angela, where is your boyfriend?  Did you meet a nice young man yet?"
     There were the days when I even tried to make myself invisible at
work.  My perverted forty year old boss named Rob who stared down my
cleavage frequently disturbed me.  Of course my measly attempts to hide
always failed, and I was stuck in my miserable bubble all over again.
Angela's life in a nutshell.
     I had been paying attention to my apartment more and more.  The plain
white walls vividly related to my non complex physical attributes.  It was
small and comfortable, quite like my little, petite body with few curves.
Then I took a closer look at myself sometimes.  I saw this straight light
hair, hating the way it curled at the bottom.  Rob would say it accented my
skin, making me what most would call beautiful.  I laughed at all his
pitiful attempts to make me feel wanton and desirable just because he
wanted down my pants.
       I knew that I was the quiet little shy girl everybody assumed things
about because they hadn't the slightest clue.  I was perfectly aware that I
chose to live a complex lifestyle.  I knew that I was even strange
sometimes, but I was living.  Living one day at a time.


The Disposition

     I was always the small town girl.  I grew up in a little town in Iowa
where there was no more than fifteen feet from each house.  It was a tight
little neighborhood where gossip flowed like the wind.  When I hit the age
of seventeen I noticed people all around whispering things to each other
about me.  I soon learned it that the towns people did not approve of my
wardrobe.  I was too flashy and had a provocative mind for such a young
child.  For this, my parents altered their disciplinary rules.  My father
began setting firm regulations and often used physical force on me.  I was
shuttered behind wooden walls and could only see the outside world through
windows.  I was stuck spending every waking moment with my chain smoking
mother.
     When I turned nineteen I moved away from my parents.  I wanted to
experience life in the fullest.  I had a home school education in Iowa, but
there was so much more to learn.  I wanted the college life and to be
around people my own age.  Sadly, when I had the privilege of interacting
with others, I froze.  I never seemed to have the courage to be outspoken.
My mentality halted, and I felt like a blubbering idiot.  So, I chose not
to speak at all.  I found an apartment, resided at home and closed the
blinds.  After so long of doing this, I eventually let it become a frequent
lifestyle.  It was the only level I felt comfortable on.
     Eventually I found a job at Robs sandwich shop as a waitress.  And
that, is where my story began.


New Hires

     Rob was never too great at hiring people.  Most of his employees had
tattoos up and down their arms of snakes and jail slangs.  He even at one
time hired a female waitress with a green Mohawk.  She ended up getting
fired the next day for pulling a pocket knife on a customer who called her
"porcupine head."  Needless to say, he was not the best manager.
     One day during the fall of 1998 I had agreed with Rob to work a double
shift.  I had nothing better to do anyways, so I willingly said "sure."  I
had stepped in around 7 a.m, only to find our regular cook had quit.  Our
new hire was a six foot woman with tattoos on her shoulder and pierced
ears.  Her hair was cut just past her ears and dark brown.  She had on
black baggy cargo pants and a tank top.  I was not surprised.
     Rob walked up to me and said, "this is our new line cook, Sarah."  I
gave her a smile, just as I had with every other imbecile he hired.  I
figured she would not be there very long anyways.  Most of them ended up
going right back where they came from.
     She winked at me and stuck her tongue out with a grin.  There was a
three inch bar right through the middle of it, leaving me completely
appalled.  I could not help but to be prude and think, "how disgusting."
This tall, lanky woman was winking at me and sticking her pierced tongue
out.  The only thought going through my mind was "nice employees Rob."
     I continued to watch Sarah, interested in her behavior.  She had
seemed to only be concerned in working.  She hardly socialized.  She just
went about her business and efficiently mastered cooking.  Her preparation
was fast, and she was actually quite good at her job.
     "Angela, hurry up.  I need this stuff set up in fifteen minutes,"
ordered Rob.  I must not has been paying too much attention because he was
becoming unnerved and irritable.  All day long I kept giving short glances
to Sarah and devoted little attention to my own job.
     Thirteen hours later I was told that I could leave.  Rob claimed that
I was beginning to slouch and drag.  I was glad of this because my feet
felt like they were on fire.  Tiredly, I walked outside, anxious to relax.
I was only angered to find that when I turned the key in my car ignition
that it would not start.  Fuming, I slammed the car door and opened my
hood.  I was not keen on begging for rides home, especially after a
thirteen hour shift.
     "You left your lights on," she said.  I turned around, shocked to find
Sarah sitting on the bench, smoking a cigarette.  "Your battery is dead,"
she stated.  She inhaled the nicotine stick once more, savoring the last of
it.  I watched her exhale, thinking of my mother.  I used to think she
would disintegrate from smoking so much.
     "I can give you a jump if you want.  I was just about to go home
anyways," Sarah sincerely implied.  I was shocked.  It was as though she
was trying to be nice.  She walked to the back of a big pick up truck and
pulled out a pair of jumper cables.  I witnessed her lift the hood with
expertise and attach the cable wires.  With great care she started the
truck and gave me step by step of what to do.  I was almost in awe.
     "Let your car run for a few minutes," she ordered.  I only gawked as I
watched her put away her tools.  Sarah then walked back around the car, her
short brown hair bouncing.  I noticed that she almost looked sexy from
different angles.  I smacked myself.  That was definitely a homo sexual,
not to mention provocative thought.
     "By the way," she said leaning through my open window.  "Your
alternator belt is loose.  You might want to have somebody tighten it up.
That is why your car is making such a horrible noise," she implied.  I
lifted my eyebrows at this, knowing the Taurus had been making this
horrible noise for weeks.  It was always the least of my concerns.
       I could not help but to be thinking about how well spoken this woman
was.  She gave such a rebel impression with a leather jacket and tattoos,
but was well educated and certainly far from incapability.  I could not
believe how wrong my judgement was.  Something about her unnerved me, but
she had a different tone than I expected.  I did not know if it was dislike
or interest that was drawing me in.  It was very odd.
     "Thank you," I softly said.  She leaned through the window chuckling
with a smile.  "Sure," she said jokingly.  "Is that what it takes to get
you to talk?" she asked with a big grin.  I was perfectly aware of my
blushing cheeks.  I turned my head, trying not to make it too obvious.
     "Fine then," she said with a sly smile.  She was staring down at me,
and I noticed a royal blue in her eyes.  I gawked, thinking about how
different they were from every other pair of eyes I had ever seen.  They
were dark and luscious, the kind of eyes that made you weak in the knees.
     "If you need me to fix that alternator, come talk to me.  We can work
some sort of deal out," she said with an amused expression.  Obviously she
was enjoying flirting with me.  It was written all over her face, and mine.

What to do, What to do


Quick Reflexes

     For three months Sarah had worked at Robs sandwich shop and never
caused a nuisance.  Punctuality and work ethics were always in her favor
and she was incisive on keeping it that way.  Sidetracking and laziness
were not an option with her.  Amazingly, during this time Sarah always
presented me with kindness.  Even though I never spoke to her, she
continued to give me sincere smiles and benevolent eyes.
     I could not understand myself.  There was part of me that screamed,
"talk to her.  Do not deny the fact that you have become attracted to her.
You are letting your parents ruin your life."  Then there was another part
of me that screamed, "No!  Do not waste your time talking.  She will only
see how plain you are.  Besides, she is weird and probably a drug addict."
     While trying to keep my mind in order and on my occupation, I
continued to work with Sarah.  Even though I only demonstrated silence in
front of everybody, my heart screamed.  I longed for love and relationship.
My life was dull.  I had nothing to lose.
     Then along came a busy day in August.  Customers were flooding Robs
shop, and the crowded room was filled with smoke.  Sarah was running around
making food, doing dishes, ext.  I had table after table, and my feet were
becoming swollen.  It was one of the longest days I had ever experienced.
     I was beginning to run out of napkins, and other supplies.  I had a
few minutes so I ran in the back and began quickly cutting some lemon
wedges for drinks.  The juice was burning underneath my fingernails, but I
was in a rush.  My hand was tingling from the liquid and started to feel
numb.  Unaware of my next action, I sliced and began to panic as the knife
quickly slipped.  I felt a gouging tear, and watched as blood quickly
flowed.  I fell back against the wall in pain, witnessing my hand bleed
like I had never seen anything in my life.  I had no idea how long I sat
there.  I just remembered not being able to move.
     "Angela, you have an ord-."  Sarah said as she walked over to the
counter.  She seen me leaning against the wall, blood trickling to the
floor.  "Oh my god," I heard her whisper.  Without the slightest bit of
hesitation, I watched her grab a towel and wrap it around my hand.  I
winced from the pain, and freed the tears from my eyes.
     "Angela, stay with me.  I think you hit an artery.  We must get you to
the hospital right now," she cried.  I really was not too sure what she was
saying.  I only felt pain, and only understood the throbbing.  I could feel
my heart fluttering, almost as though I was floating away.  I perceived
dizziness and fatigue as my body became cold and restless.  Black was the
only color I could interpret.

My Provider

     "She has insurance," Sarah screamed at the short woman who sat behind
the counter.  She sighed, tired of fighting with the short, fat and stubby
lady.  "I don't understand how it will not cover something like this.  What
is the purpose of having the bullshit then?"
     "Ma'am, I would appreciate if you would control your language.  I will
explain the situation one more time.  The operational care that the patient
needs to be done to her hand the insurance company simply does not cover.
Miss Bershire is aware that the restaurant she is working for indeed does
not provide full workers compensation.  At this point she has few options.
She can either have her hand amputated, or pay for the surgery self
sufficiently.  I am deeply sorry, but it is not the hospitals regulations.
That is the insurance policy.  As a hospital, we can only do so much," said
the woman.
     Sarah sighed, not knowing exactly what to do.  She did not know any of
Angela's family or close friends.  There was no way of finding out if Rob
contacted them, or if they would help out anyways.  In a situation that was
almost impossible for Sarah to handle she realized something.  There was
only one person who could make the decision, and that was Angela.
     "If you want some advice," said the woman.  "You could call up the
insurance agency and fight.  As a secretary I only keep track of what they
tell me.  If you are a relative, you have options.  These kind of companies
hate lawyers and legal action.  Threatening to take them to court always
gives them a good scare.  I mean, that is what I would do.  I don't know
what your relationship is to the patient, but I am sure if you had it in
you to put up a good battle, they would compensate you for the care."
     Sarah nodded, worried and wondering.  What exactly was her
relationship was to the patient?  She definitely found her attractive.

     There was so much one could tell about her, just by her actions.  You
could see right into her heart.  Angela's difficulties as a child were
obvious, and somewhere Sarah even sensed abuse at one point.  There was
just something about her that made Sarah feel different.  Something about
Angela Bershire made her weak in the knees.  Her heart raced whenever she
would walk into the room.  With that, Sarah knew she would go to the end of
the earth to help this woman.



     I shifted, feeling the blankets over me.  I pressed my hands on the
bed, trying to lift myself up.  I only fell back over in pain, making the
mistake of putting all my weight on my right hand.  I examined the heavy
cast that started at my fingers and ended at my elbow.  Fear and hope
lingered.  I prayed that I had not done anything too serious.
     I looked around the room.  Next to my bed was a chart with the date on
it.  It said August 21rst, 1998.  That told me that I had been in the
hospital for a day.  It was comforting to know I had not been knocked out
that long.  My view showed in the back of the room, where two balloons
floated. I passed the assumption they were from Rob.  It was a nice gesture
I would have to thank him for.
     It was about forty seconds later that I took consideration of the
chair next to me.  It was not empty.  Sarah was settled in it fast asleep
with her head leaning against the wall.  As I watched her intently I
started to smile.  After all she had done for me already, she still was not
satisfied.  She had sat here all this time, caring more than my own
family. There were no words to describe how I felt about the woman.
     I heard a knock on the room door, and the handle opened.  A younger
male doctor entered with a smile.  He grinned at me for a moment before
saying, "Ah, you're awake!"  He was quite short with big glasses.  It
almost seemed like he could not wipe the grin from his face.  I could not
help but to think he had a little too much coffee.
     "It is nice to see you conscious Angela.  There are a few things we
need to discuss before I can go any further with your treatment.  Yesterday
you were admitted to the emergency room by a lady named Sarah Risardi.  Do
you know this woman?"  He was talking to fast and I was trying to catch up
with him.  I was so tired still.
     "Um.... yes, I do," I stated.  "I work with her."  He was jotting down
things on his clipboard as I seen Sarah lift herself up on the chair.  She
stretched and rubbed her eyes, awaking her body, trying to figure out what
was going on.
     "While in the ER you were seen by a different doctor than I, but I did
some cross examinations and looked at you.  You blacked out because you
lost a great deal of blood from your hand.  See, when you cut your hand,
you did more than a little cut.  You managed to hit a major artery and the
median nerve.  We can resolve this tear by doing surgery, but it appears as
though your insurance company was not willing to cover the damages.  The
only other option at that point is to amputate the hand, or pay for the
surgery out of your own pocket."  Angela had tears forming in her eyes.
She looked desperate.
     "Fortunately, we don't have to do that .  Luckily for you, I have
talked it over with the secretaries today and they say otherwise.
Apparently a family member called and negotiated with the Insurance Agency.
They have agreed to cover the expenses.  If you like I am free to do the
surgery tomorrow morning and we can get you back home.  Although, after the
surgery you need to take it easy for at least three weeks.  And may I say
that Miss Risardi here has done a great deal.  She has been at my beck and
call in assisting and watching over you."
      I kept wondering who was my savior.  I certainly did not have the
money to pay for a major surgery.  The only thing I could begin to think
was that Rob called my house.  My mother may have fought with the insurance
company.  It did not seem likely, but it had to be.  Regardless, I was
thankful for all the help I received.  As far as the rest of what he said,
it was all very confusing.  He went through everything so fast.  It was
hard to take it all in at once.
     After fifteen minutes of running through documents and explaining the
operation, the surgeon left.  Sarah and I were sitting in the room with an
uncomfortable silence.  Without making eye contact she grabbed her coat and
grasped hold of the door handle.  I figured if I was going to talk to her,
now would be the moment.  She deserved to hear so much from me.  I promised
myself I was not going to be a coward.
     "Why are you leaving?" I asked softly.  I was weak, but I was going to
talk whether or not it killed me.  Despite the pain, I was going to deliver
what I should have so long ago.  I could really see Sarah for who she was
now.  I regretted the first judgement I passed on her.  She was so much
more than I thought.  Even if she did time in jail, had tattoos and smoked,
she had this aura about her.  It made her this great person that nobody
knew about.
     "Well, I figured you might need some rest.  Your surgery is going to
be in the morning and I do not want to interfere with that," she stated.
Her consideration and intelligence moved me.
     "I was hoping you would stay," I said boldly.  I was surpassing
forbidden boundaries here.  Taking risks was not something Angela Bershire
did.  And here I was, making the ultimate decision.  Instead of backing
away like I always did, I looked at Sarah and said, "I need you right now."
     Sarah turned around.  With the look in her eyes I was pretty sure she
had just seen a ghost.  All the color was gone in her face, and I could see
the lack of sleep.  Shock was definitely upon her.  I watched her drop her
coat on the floor and come toward me.
      "Took you long enough," Sarah said with a smile.  I was staring
directly into her electric blue eyes, lost.  I caressed her face, wondering
where I was suddenly getting all this courage.  I was not speaking with my
head, but with my heart.
     "Because it took me that long just to realize how wonderful you are.
I know that I want to be with you."  She leaned down, our faces inches
apart.  I could feel her breath on me.  With my good hand, I placed my palm
on her chest.  I could feel her heart beating rapidly.  For some reason, I
was no longer even nervous.
     She grabbed hold of it with her hands and held my palm there.  She
leaned in even closer and touched her lips to mine.  Her eyes were closed
tight as we kissed.  It was then that I knew everything would change for
me.  I was assured that love would be in my life.
     Sarah parted our lips and removed my hand from her heart.  She walked
around the bed swiftly, hopped in next to me, and put her hands around my
waist.  I was feeling better already.



1 Year Later

     "Where the hell is Angela and Sarah?  I have been looking for them for
almost twenty minutes now!"  Rob bellowed.  The busboy Nathan shrugged, not
exactly knowing what to say.  Rob just continued hollering.  He was
straight up pissed.  _)))__)))___)))


     I leaned my head back against the wall as I felt her hands on me.
Sarah was masterful when it came to knowing my desires.  I allowed her to
do anything, trusting her every touch.
     I glanced over at the door just to assure myself it was locked.  We
were in a small room that I had come across during Spring cleaning.  It
formerly was an employee break room until addition was added on the
restaurant.  After that, it just became junk storage.  Now Sarah and I used
it as our little secret place.
     I brought her face to me and kissed her hard, feeling her tongue
against mine.  The metal of her tongue ring was becoming hot, just as it
always did after so long of fore play.
     I leaned my head in the crook of Sarah's shoulder, kissing her neck.
The warmth of her hand excited my skin as it traveled up my shirt and
firmly grasped my breast.  My soft sighs of pleasure were overwhelming as
Sarah rubbed my nipples with her thumb, leaving me unbearably lustful.  She
leaned in a kissed me again, massaging her tongue with mine.
     Heat lingered through my spine.  Sarah's lips were moving downward on
my body.  The palm of her hand was caressing my thigh, quickening my breath
with excitement.  I awaited the moment she would touch me in my most sacred
places.  I yearned for it.
     Her hot mouth sucked on my nipples as I begged for fulfillment.  I was
twisted with agony.  Every part of me wanted Sarah to caress my innermost
area.  I closed my eyes and felt her finger slowly enter my vaginal
opening.  I let out a deep guttural sigh of satisfaction as she penetrated
me two or three times before stopping.  Sarah removed her finger and let it
drag slightly over my clitoris, making me dizzy with desire.  She tickled
it ever so gently, almost making me faint with want and desire.
     I continued to let Sarah devour me as her mouth kissed my belly
button.  She inserted her tongue in it, swirling wickedly.  I closed my
eyes and moaned with pleasure as she sensually stimulated me.  I felt a
drip of juice from between my legs as my pussy burned with a strong sexual
need.  It felt like my whole body was on fire.
     Sarah kneeled before me and kissed the outer space of my vaginal lips.
Fluids were trickling down my leg as I trembled.  I was in need of her so
bad.  Now every inch of me was on fire due to her intense kisses and
sensual hands.  I wanted to wrap my legs around her neck and squeeze.
     Her tongue massaged the tunnels of my pussy as the sweet aroma of sex
filled the air.  My hands were going through her hair as I erotically
pressed my hips against her mouth.  I was captivated in our sex, loving
every second of it.  Her eyes alone beguiled me with her wicked charm and
tender love.
     My feet were no longer on the ground.  My back was pressed against the
wall, my knees hanging over Sarah's shoulders.  Her hands were gripped to
my ass as she penetrated me with her tongue.  Every part of me was shaking
uncontrollably as the passion grew in my loins.  I felt a wave of complete
gratification building with every second.  I could only hold on to Sarah
for dear life.
     "Oh god," I moaned loudly.  I could not stop the fragile whimpers that
so vulnerably escaped.  I felt like a virgin who had never experienced such
great pleasure.  I was shuddering so hard one would have thought there was
an earthquake.  I could not stop the erotic moans that my vocal chords were
releasing.
     "Oh Sarah!" I panted through breaths.  My hips convulsed hard,
thrusting at Sarah desperately.  The strong orgasm traveled through me as I
writhed myself against her one last time.  I felt a twitch between my legs
from the earth shattering performance just given.  Sweat dripped from my
forehead as I regained some kind of composure.  My heart was beating so
rapid I thought I was going to have a heart-attack.
     "You should win some kind of award or something," I said in despair.
I sat on the ground leaning against the wall as she breathed heavily before
me.  Her smile widened and she leaned down and kissed me.  I gently touched
her poetic lips, and pulled her down to me by the cross hanging from her
neck.
     "My turn," I said. Before I could even move toward her Sarah began to
protest in negativity.  I pressed my fingers against her lips ordering
silence.  "No denials today," I confirmed.  My statement was not up for
negotiation.
     "Do you realize how long we have been gone?  Rob is probably throwing
a shit fit right about now.  I don't know about you missy, but I need a
job."  She grabbed me by the waist and stood me up.  Sarah pulled my
panties back up and adjusted my skirt and apron.  I giggled like a little
school girl.
     "I love you," I said to her.  She grinned at me with those sparkling
eyes that made me melt.  Sarah grabbed me by the waist front of my skirt
and jerked me forward.  I was standing only inches from her, her hands on
my bare back.  The warmth of them caressed my skin up and down, massaging
it gently.
       She kissed my lips softly, gently easing her tongue in.  The
sensation of her taste lingered in my mouth and dueled with my own tongue.
I was losing my trail of thought again as my hands naturally went around
her neck.  I was unaware of all other situations around me.  My only
obligation was to be there, at that very moment with Sarah.  I was twenty
one years old and willing to spend the rest of my life with her.


Let The Problems Begin

     It was February 9th of 2000.  I sat in our apartment staring at the
clock.  It was around 3:30 AM and Sarah had still not returned from her
work party.  She had received a new job at the Olive Garden and they were
taking her out for drinks.  It was her birthday.
     I wasn't really one to get worked up, but it was getting late.
Usually I got a phone call, note, some kind of notification.  Today I had
received nothing.  Not only was I terrified, but missed her.  She had never
been out so late and I was agitated with worry beyond belief.
     Around four o'clock I heard the door click and felt my heart rise.  A
sudden sense of relief traveled through my veins.  Knowing that Sarah was
safe and not hurt in any way truly lifted my soul.  At least I felt like
that until I looked at her.
     Sarah stumbled through the door and fell directly to the tile.  I ran
straight to her restless body as it laid on the floor.  I was in a panic.
     As soon as I turned her over it hit me.  Sarah was completely and
utterly drunk.  I could smell the alcohol coming off of her like a skunk.
Her breath wreaked horrid like a toilet bowl.  Disappointed in her, I
carried Sarah to bed and allowed her to sleep it off.


     "Oh god, never again..." Sarah said in agony.  She was sitting on the
kitchen table with a cup of coffee before her.  Her hand rested against her
forehead as she complained about its constant pounding.  I only listened
and very rarely commented.
     "I wish you would have called," I said, interrupting her rampage.  She
turned her head and looked at me dumbfounded, shocked that I was angry.  It
never seemed to occur to her that I was pissed.
     "I'm really sorry.  I don't even remember half the night," Sarah said
as she bent down and opened the fridge to get milk.  It was not until then
that she noticed the cake on the bottom shelf.  There were twenty two
shrunken candles for her age.  They had sat lit on the table for a an hour
before I finally blew them out.
     Her eyes immediately fell to the floor.  I could see the guilt in her
face and body gestures.  Sarah was rubbing the back of her neck the way she
always did when uncomfortable.  I watched her stand back up and walk over
to me.  She was staring directly into my eyes as I watched the tears build
in hers.  She was fighting the urge to let them fall.
     "I am truly sorry.  I didn't know you had plans, I mean I did, but I
didn't think of it and I am really, I mean, I feel bad-."  I waved my hand
at her, telling her to shut up.  Her apologies were usually the same.
Everything that she said was fifty miles an hour and filled with excuses.
I could not make out a damn word she said.
     "It's okay.  It's done, it's over and I don't want to dwell on it.
Now come here," I said as I pulled her to me.  I kissed her soft lips,
exhilarated because we were no longer fighting.  It took a lot for Sarah to
say sorry, and I was glad that she did.
     I loved her more than life itself.  Her self assurance and beauty blew
me away.  She had those eyes that I could stare into forever and never
become bored.  I loved her soft lips and divine smile.  Sarah had a very
sexy essence about her that drove me wild.  Her physical and inner
characteristics were amazing enough to keep me infatuated with her.  Not
just because I loved her, but because I had been doing it so long I could
not imagine existence any other way.

___)))____)))_____))))

     "Your mother called earlier," said Sarah.  I turned quickly, rubbing
my ears to make sure I heard correctly.  I had not talked to my mother in
almost three years.
     "What the hell are you talking about?" I asked.  Something was
definitely not right, and I was going to figure it out.  My family never
really cared about me, and would not call unless they wanted something.  If
my mother did indeed call, there was a sole purpose behind it.
     "I'm talking about when I answered the phone and your mom was on the
other line.  It was the first time I had ever talked to her.  She was
rather obnoxious if you ask me, but it was odd because you never talk about
your family," Sarah said.  I was embarrassed to talk about them.  My family
was developed by the spawn of Satan.
     "You never talk about yours, or your past for that matter," I replied.
I was building a fire I could not put out.  Sarah was very sensitive about
past events in her life and I knew it.  We hardly ever fought, so I was
unsure why I was starting one then.
     "Angie, honey, I am not going to fight with you.  I was just telling
you that your mom called and that you were not home when she did.  Okay
babe?"  Sarah was very calm and collected.  Things just surpassed her
without making her angry.  I never understood why.
     I smiled after Sarah kissed me gently on the lips.  The moist and
wonderful texture of them caressed mine, leaving me filled with joy.  Her
kisses could make me smile forever.
     "I'm sorry.  I am just curious as to why she is calling.  I haven't
talked to my mother in almost three years.  We have been together since 98
right?  Well, I stopped contacting them about six months before we started
dating."  I implied.  Sarah was listening to me intently, wondering many
things.
     "Why?" she asked.  I knew this question would come up, and I was not
ready to answer it.  I was not ready to step to that level.  I had serious
trust issues.  It was not because I could not trust Sarah, but because I
could not trust myself.  I was terrified of allowing anyone else to know my
past.  I did not want her thinking less of me
     "How about I tell you another time," I said.  I knew she would stay
satisfied with that answer.  I could not bring myself to pour out my soul
that night.
     I sat down on the couch next to Sarah and leaned my head against her.
My face was buried in the crook of her neck as I wrapped my arms around her
waist.  The closeness of her gave me a sense of security I never wanted to
live life without.
     I shifted my body so I was in Sarah's lap.  I was leaned against her
chest with my head resting on her chin.  I was rolled up in a ball like a
child.  I leaned forward and kissed her ear before she wrapped her arms
around me.  Her fingers were massaging my palm.  Sarah had a habit of
rubbing where the scar was on my hand.
     "Promise me that no matter how bad things get, we will always get
through it," said Sarah.  I looked up at her and smiled.  After a moment of
staring straight into her eyes I replied, "I promise."



Family Time

     "Who is your friend?"  My mother asked abruptly at the front door.  I
rolled my eyes, recognizing the typical behavior in her.  There was a
deficiency of tact.
     "I'm Sarah," she said offering her hand to my mother.  I watched
mother stare at it for a moment before giving it complete disregard.
Instead, she opened the door giving Sarah the most harsh look I had ever
seen.
     The house looked the same as before.  The carpets were still old and
faded.  The people were still heartless and bitchy.  It was still without
all the characteristics of being a home.
     I sat down at the kitchen table, completely uncomfortable.  I could
only imagine the things going through Sarah's mind.  My mother was staring
at her up and down, giving her glances of death.
     There was a rather long silence before my mother burst out with, "How
long have you two been fucking?"  Both Sarah and I looked up, shocked.  The
question jumped out of nowhere.  Modesty was not a factor of my mother.
     "We have been dating for three years," I said.  She was giving me a
sarcastic look.  I wanted to crawl under the table and hide away.
     "Jesus Christ.  You leave home for a few fucking years and become a
damn carpet muncher.  God Almighty!  Your father and I did not raise a damn
dyke.  What am I gonna do now?  What the hell am I suppose to say when my
friends ask me, ' what's Angie been up to lately?'  I know!  I'll just say,
'Oh she is just fine.  Eating pussy as a matter of fact!'"
     My eyes were as wide as nickels.  I mean, I had expected words.  But
this, this was out of control.  My mother was on the rampage about my
sexuality and her put downs were ruining my mood.
     Sarah looked furious.  I was almost positive she wanted to rip mothers
head off.  I really didn't blame her though.  If it was her parents I was
sure I would feel just the same.
     Just as I was about to say something, my father was in view.  I
witnessed him in his Sunday suit, walking down the hallway.  He was
searching frantically for something.
     "Helen, have you seen my pap-?"  My father said before seeing me.  He
jumped back, greatly surprised to see me.
     Before I could even protest my mother interrupted.  "Richard, this is
our daughters girlfriend.  She is licking the punani now."  My father was
stunned by mothers distinct outburst.  I knew there would be a refusal to
accept my sexuality.  I just could not believe the way it was becoming
known.  I never wanted to leave a room so greatly in my entire life.
     "This is not some kind of sick joke, is it?"  My father was looking
directly at my face.  I was terrified.  I had seen those eyes burning into
mine so many times before.  Memories of his hands striking me time and time
again came rushing back.
     Before anybody else could ridicule my ways I started talking.  I had
something to say, and did not plan on backing down.  The ridiculousness of
the situation was becoming pathetic.
      "I absolutely did not come here to discuss my sexual orientation.
Sarah is my lover, and I am not going to deny that.  The fact remains that
she has treated me far better than any man (or other person in this world
for that matter) ever has.  No matter what you say, I will not change my
mind about any of this.  So just tell me why you called, and I can be on my
way."
     My mother was grimacing at me while shaking her leg furiously.  She
was taken back by my new attitude.  She was quite shocked that I was
sticking up for myself.
     "Well if you must change the topic, we called because we got this bill
in the mail.  It is most certainly not ours.  It's some kind of insurance
policy or some crap.  I don't know how the hell it got here."  Mother got
up and grabbed something from the kitchen.  I followed her in, wondering
what she was talking about.
     I took the letter out of the open envelope.  It was a statement from
the insurance company.  They were verifying the hospital payments.  The
surgery costed $11,000.00.  The policy covered almost every area in the
statement I was relieved.
     "You're the one that called about this, aren't you?  When I cut my
hand?"  I asked my mother.  She looked at me dumbfounded, not knowing what
I was talking about.
     "I really don't know what you're talking about.  I didn't call no
insurance company if that is what you're asking."  She was smoking a
cigarette, blowing it all in my face.
     I stared at Sarah sitting on the couch silently.  It had to have been
her.  All this time I was so confident it was my mother who helped me.  I
should have known who it really was.
     "You know what, we really have to go," I said.  I could not stand
another minute of their rude comments and sarcastic blubbering.  Besides
that, I could tell Sarah was hanging on by a thread.  She was holding back
all her pride for me, but I could sense her desire to spit in my parent's
faces.
     My father began to protest, "Oh no you don't!  We need to talk about
this lesbian stuff.  You're not gonna come parading around this town
ruining our reputation!"  I kept walking out to my car, not really caring
what he was saying.
     "Well, at least now I know where you get your sarcasm from when you're
pissed," Sarah joked.  I started the Taurus as my father yelled from the
front door.  I leaned over and kissed my lover right in front of him.
Never again would I go back there.  He could stop worrying.  His reputation
was not in jeopardy.


  Infidelity


     "This is so fucking typical of you," I screamed while throwing Sarah's
clothes at her.  I was rummaging through her drawers, tearing everything I
seen out of them.  I was raging beyond belief.
     "Would you calm down?" she asked.  I chucked a shoe at her abruptly
and quite hard.  Sarah ducked quickly, shocked at my behavior.  I was not
going to settle down either.
     "Oh, you're just so calm and collected about this, aren't you?  Of
fucking course!" I screamed.  All the blood in my body was rushing to my
face as I continued to dump all her clothes out on the floor.  I was
shaking in a violent uncontrollable anger.
     "How many times do I have to tell you?  Nothing happened!" Sarah
yelled in defense.  I looked over to her, even more enraged.
      "Oh, yeah.  You two kissing was nothing happening.  You're absolutely
right Sarah.  I'm blowing this way out of proportion.  There is nothing
wrong with Amy's tongue down your fucking throat.  Next time I'll send her
a fucking invitation!" I was ranting on like a wild woman.  I picked up a
picture frame and threw it at her.
     "Jesus Christ!  It is not like I was responding.  What you seen was
only her kissing me.  You obviously missed the part where I was pushing her
away dammit!"  Sarah threw the picture frame back at me.  It went past me
and the glass shattered against the wall.
     "Oh yeah.  I must of had a real bad view.  It wasn't your hand on her
thigh.  That was a fucking figment of my imagination!"  Sarah threw her
hands in the air in defeat.  She was getting tired of arguing with me.
     "Everything has to be sarcastic with you.  You're not even listening
to me Angela.  I am getting real tired of this, real quick.  If you cant
trust me, obviously this relationship needs to end.  Right now, you're not
trusting me at all.  I told you eight times, and I will tell you once more.
Amy kissed me and I did not return the favor.  If you're not going to
believe me, I guess I will have my things packed by morning."  Sarah's eyes
were burning with rage.  I had hit a soft spot.
     I walked out of the bedroom and into the living room.  I was not sure
what to do.  I was so certain in what I saw.  I wanted to believe her, but
I didn't know how.  I was so assured most of the time.  I was having a hard
time accepting that this particular time maybe I was wrong.
     Sarah sat with her head in her hands on the corner of the bed.  She
had given up on fighting with me.  I was relentless.
     "I'm sorry," I said to her.  She ran her hands through her hair,
exhausted from yelling.  Sarah smiled back at me and nodded her head.
Apparently she knew.
     I kneeled down and hugged her.  Words did not seem appropriate at the
moment.  Only tender hugs and loving caresses.


The Beginning of a Battle

August 2001

     "You need to stop doing this Sarah.  I have dealt with it for months
now.  Either you get help, or I move out."  I stared at her in disbelief.
I was so filled with disappointment.  She had let me down time and time
again.
     "Don't do that Angie.  You know that I need you right now."  Her words
were spaced apart and slow.  I thought she would fall out of the chair at
any moment.  Her drunken states were disgusting.
     "I have been trying to help you for months now Sarah.  You just don't
give a shit.  You don't go to meetings, you don't do anything.  This is the
fourth night this week.  You lost your job.  What am I supposed to do?  You
don't need me.  The only thing you need is your Budweiser."
     Sarah was on the floor, leaning against the couch.  She was hardly
able to keep her eyes open.  I could not bear to look at her for a minute
longer.  I picked up my keys and opened the door, staring at her pleading
eyes.  A place in my heart did not want to leave because I loved her
unconditionally.  There was a heavy weight on my soul.
     The door handle was becoming hot, and I knew I had a choice.  I could
leave at that very moment and allow Sarah to get the help she needed, or, I
could stay.  Staying meant watching her drink her life away, throwing out
every chance of recovery.  Truth be told, Sarah needed the wake up call.

Sincerely and with the best intentions, I closed the door, walking out with
tears in my eyes.