Date: Wed, 31 Mar 2010 16:37:59 +0100
From: wapichoo01@googlemail.com
Subject: If Only

It was a new start! University was over and I was leaving my life behind, a
3 year relationship that ended badly and the knock on of some one night
stands I'd rather forget moving back to London was exactly what I needed. I
moved into a small one bed flat in the centre of London, it was small but
it was enough. My job started on Monday so I had little time to unpack and
sort things out this is it I told myself its now or never it's time to sort
your life out again Lou.

The first couple of weeks at work flew by as it was a course for all `new
starters` I didn't really notice her then. I suppose I knew who she was but
she was quiet and spent most of her time with some others. In the third
week of the course that was when I noticed her properly and my god how had
I not! She was gorgeous, tall, blonde, naturally pretty and god her eyes
they were amazing. She was everything that I usually don't look for in a
women, I have to say I more of a brunette, curvy girl kinda lover but Jules
was different there was something about her. So I suppose your wondering
where this story is going well bare with me.

So it was one night after work and we had all had a little bit too much to
drink, a couple of us were heading off to a club and we were trying to
persuade the last few to come along too. "Come on Jules don't be rubbish" I
said "I'm tired Lou plus I've got this whole bottle of wine to get through"
she pulled a bottle of wine out from under her jacket. I looked
disappointed and said "ok ok no worries go drink by yourself I still love
you even though you're old and boring" I laughed "I love you to Lou I think
maybe a little bit too much" Jules said quietly as we walked back to her
room arm in arm.

Well I brushed this comment off at the time as I knew she was straight,
she'd been with her boyfriend for 6 years and I wasn't about to be a home
wrecker. It's just the drink talking I told myself. Well that was the first
time that me and Jules shared a ... Well a moment I suppose how was I to
know that the Friday night to follow would be quite so eventful!!!

Well we all got back to the station with our bags after the meeting the 6
of us decided to head to get a quick drink in the pub before heading our
separate ways. We walked into our local and quickly located a table sitting
down Sarah quickly shouted "right wine all round guys we might as well get
some bottles in that meeting was awful" " good call babe" said Dave quickly
getting up to give her a hand. "So much for a quick drink then" I said to
Jules, she laughed and smiled but she looked upset. God I hope she isn't
going to be an emotional drunk tonight I can't be dealing with all that I
thought.

Well... the bottles of wine kept coming and the 6 of us were getting more
and more drunk. I came back from the toilet to find that people had
shuffled round and the only seat left was the one next to Jules I sat down
I could hear Sarah and Dave laughing about something but Jules still looked
quiet. I touched her arm "are you ok babe?" "Yeah I'm ok, sorry just a bit
thoughtful" she replied. Fuck it I thought I'm going to have to ask "if
there is anything you want to talk about then I'm happy to listen, although
with the amount of wine I've had I don't know how useful I will be" she
paused for a while and then said "it's Ben, we're not ok, I'm not happy, I
want something more and I don't know what to do" she started crying
quietly. I couldn't believe this here I am sat in front of this girl who I
can't get out my mind and she wants to cry on my shoulder about her
boyfriend why does this always happen to me I thought. Jules suddenly
pushed past me and went outside. "She alright" said Amy "I dunno something
about Ben I think, I'll go check" I said.

 I pushed past the other people in pub finally reaching the door, London
pubs are always busy on a Friday night, the harsh winter air hit me as I
left the warm pub I pulled the collar on my jacket up and looked around for
Jules. As I turned I saw her standing crying at the corner of the road. As
I walked up to her she said "Lou please, I'm ok, its not going to help you
being here please just leave me I'll be back in a minute" "Jules come on
its freezing out here, plus its too late for you to be hanging around on
street corners in the middle of London especially when your drunk please
come in" god its cold I thought. She looked at me with anger in her eyes; I
unconsciously took a step back. "You have no idea do you; you're so
oblivious aren't you. You can have who you want whenever you want, you
don't have to worry about hurting people, you can flirt with me and not
feel guilty" she paused "I feel guilty Lou, because I want you to fuck me
that's what I want, I'm scared to be around you I don't trust myself with
you and I'm so confused" she turned and walked into the small road behind
her. Well I can tell you now she had floored me, never did I expect to hear
that from her, never did I expect for her to like me. I didn't know what to
do the only thing I did know was that I had sobered up very quickly, it was
bloody cold and I needed to hear her say that again when she was sober. But
right now I had to get her inside.

I walked up behind her keeping my distance respecting the fact that she had
said that she didn't want me there "Jules please, come back in its really
cold" she shook her head but turned round. I could see the tears streaked
down her cheeks, god she looked more gorgeous than ever the tears were
making her eyes sparkle and she looked so vulnerable. "Come here" is said
putting my arms out she backed away but I leaned forward pulling her into a
hug. I felt her muscles tense but she stayed there and as my hand reached
the back of her neck I felt her begin to relax "it'll be ok sweetheart" I
said "I'm not going to do anything but I think you need to talk to Ben" she
just nodded but didn't move away. It was then that I realised that she
didn't have a jacket on, I detangled my arms and slipped my leather jacket
off pulling it round her shoulders, I was a size bigger than her so the
jacket fit round her shoulders and waist enough to keep her warm. She
buried her face in my neck and that's when I heard it a tiny contented sigh
and then her voice "he doesn't make me feel like this, his smell doesn't
make me feel safe and I don't want him as much as I want you now" a smile
formed on my lips but I kept hold of her, "shall we go back in darling?"
she nodded and we steered her back towards the pub.

The pub was empty now, I hadn't realised we'd been outside for over and
hour and the pub had started to close, I grabbed my stuff off the chair
passed Jules hers and then headed out the pub, just as I got to the door my
phone started to ring it was Laura "hi Laura" I said "oh my god thank god,
we thought you'd died or something, we had to run to get the tube but your
stuffs all there hope your ok sweet and Jules is, get home and warm ok. See
you on Monday" I laughed "no were just about alive, sorry for disappearing
see you Monday" I turned to Jules "sorry that was Laura she was just
checking that we were ok" Jules just nodded. "Right lets head home then,
she started to shrug my jacket off her shoulders I pulled it back over them
"keep it for tonight I'll be ok, give it back to me on Monday ok" "thank
you" she said. I took her to the train station and made sure that she got
on the train as she left I kissed her cheek "it will be ok I promise" she
just kept on apologising. Finally the train doors closed and she was gone,
so I headed home.

As I turned the key in my door my head was swimming with the night's
activities, she likes me I kept thinking, god I should have kissed her or
at least told her I liked her back. I groaned... god I'm an idiot
sometimes!!!! I looked at the clock it was 2am. I've got to have a shower I
thought. I stood in the shower the water falling down my body collecting in
pools between my breasts droplets running down my arms and stomach. I
washed my hair quickly and then started to soap my body. I soaped each arm
in turn, then down my chest watching as my nipples grew hard, I closed my
eyes letting images of Jules fill my mind as my hand moved lower down my
stomach and then gently between my legs. I dipped a finger inside me I
could feel how wet I was already, I slowly began to stroke my clit gently
at first building myself up, my other hand dropped the soap and began to
pull on my nipples gently at first growing faster as my finger started to
move against my clit faster. I moaned quietly as I felt my orgasm getting
close, I leaned back against the wall imagining that it was her hands
between my legs and wishing just wishing I'd kissed those lips, as I
thought about this I came crashing over the edge the orgasm causing my
knees to buckle slightly and my legs to shake. Slowly the water washed away
my guilty pleasures and I stood facing the water as my breathing regained
normality again.