Date: Mon, 26 Sep 2005 13:07:36 -0400 From: Helen Inn Subject: Loss of Innocence Part 1 My name is Helen and what I am about to relate to you happened in 1959. I suppose I was one of the privileged ones going to an English boarding school. My parents had enough money to send me off to school when I was 12 years old. As a junior, we had to endure all sorts of insults and do services for the senior girls. However that was not too bad, but as a 15 year old I entered the fourth form and was assigned to assist just one senior girl. She took a liking to me, which at first flattered me. Once I knew what she really wanted then I was not flattered. You see I grew up in a way I didn't expect, or want at the time, because of her. My body had changed and developed over the time I had spent at school. At the same time my education had progressed reasonably well. But what happened to me was not the education I expected or was looking for. It also left unanswered a big question. One evening just before lights out, she asked me to come up to her room. I dreamed of having my own room having started out in a dormitory with 19 other girls and now as a fourth year had moved up to sharing with just one girl. Whilst she and I were not best friends, we had learned to live with each other. Back to what happened. This was the first time I had been in a single room and it was so nice. It was on the top floor in a very quiet part of the West Wing. She was getting ready for bed and started undressing in front of me as I sat on the bed. When she was naked, I admit I looked at her body having never seen an older girl with nothing on. She was not super pretty but quite attractive. She had more pubic hair than I did and her breasts were bigger. She had a flushed look to her face and her nipples stood out. Standing in front of me she did a pirouette and showed herself to me. Then she sat down in the chair opposite and with her legs spread wide apart she showed me her pussy in excruciating detail, holding herself open for me to look. I didn't know what to do and quite honestly I was a bit revolted. Then still naked she sat down next to me on the bed and took my hand in hers. She put it on her thigh and asked, "Do you like the feel of my skin? Your hand is so soft, I want to feel it touch me all over." Now I had been slow on the uptake but I finally realized what she wanted. Jumping up I made for the door but unknown to me she had locked it and hidden the key somewhere. "I have had my eye on you for some time, and you are going to stay with me tonight," she added. I was crying silently now that I truly understood what she wanted. I knew what a Lesbian was, having shared dark whisperings with some of my friends about older girls who are Lesbians. Now I was in the clutches of one. The thought of two girls having sex together filled me with disgust and loathing because it was so wrong. Along with my friends, we used to giggle and talk about boys imagining what they were really like and what a girl and a boy could do together. I hadn't even thought about a girl doing those things to me instead of a boy. "No, I don't want to do that. Why are you doing this to me?" I half sobbed as my eyes filled with tears. "Because I can and because I want to. Nobody can hear you so just submit to me and let me turn you into a grown up woman," she said. Slowly she calmed me down and caressed my arms and put her hand on my leg and touched my bare skin. I jumped at her touch at first but her hand did feel nice. Her face turned towards mine and I felt her kiss my cheek, then again. She put her hand to my face and turned me towards her. I had seen kissing in the cinema but didn't expect a girl to kiss me. She kissed my lips gently at first then she pushed against me harder and licked my lips with her tongue. I tried to pull away but she held onto me and her tongue pushed into my mouth. Gradually she forced my mouth open and her tongue danced round my mouth. Then she withdrew it and started sucking on my tongue. It followed hers into her mouth and she danced her tongue on mine. It did give me some nice feelings and I began to relax a bit. Her arms were round me holding me to her. Not knowing what to do with my hands I just let my arms dangle at my sides. She took my hands in hers and put my arms round her and then she embraced me again. Her skin was so soft and warm and if I am honest then I began to get what I now know as sexual feelings. When she had removed the last of my resistance, she slowly started to undress me. Her fingers deftly undid the buttons on my school blouse and she opened it and ran her hands over my bare tummy. She took my hands in hers and put them on her bare tummy. I was forced to caress her the same way she was caressing me. She took my blouse off me and quickly undid my bra and took that too. The last I saw of it was as it sailed into a dark corner of her room. I tried to cover up my little breasts but she smacked my hands away and pushed me to my feet. Forcing me to stand there, her hands ran up and down my naked back and then down my sides. Her hands caressed the sides of my breasts and for the first time I made a noise, a slight whimper in the back of my throat. She smiled at me and her hands cupped my bare breasts. I felt her palms rubbing on me as she felt me. Her right hand moved down my left side. Still I didn't know what was going to happen next. Suddenly her hand stopped on the catch on my school skirt and she undid it then pulled down the zip. My skirt was suddenly descending down my legs as she quickly squatted down and took it all the way down my legs to the floor. Then before I could do anything her hands were at my sides again and I felt my knickers being pulled down. I tried to stop her but she was too quick. I did manage to put my hand over my private area but she pulled it away and then she just looked at me naked. I had tears of shame running down my cheeks as she knelt in front of me and ran her hands up and down my body. She stood up and her hands brushed away my tears. Then she kissed my wet cheeks telling me not to cry, that she would love me and make me feel all better. She moved in close again and I felt her mouth press against mine and for the first time I smelled her breath. It was intoxicating, all sweet and somehow enticing. She embraced me and I felt her naked body press against mine. Her breasts flattened against mine and I felt our tummies and thighs touch. "Kiss me," she breathed into my ear and then our mouths met again. Her hands moved down to my bottom and she pulled my lower body against hers. Somehow she managed to walk us together to her bed and before I knew what had happened we had fallen onto her bed and she was on top of me still kissing me. Her leg forced its way between mine and I felt something soft and wet rubbing on my thigh. She moaned into my mouth and then she stopped kissing me and she rubbed herself hard on my thigh. Her legs gripped mine and suddenly she threw her head back and emitted a loud mewing noise. I didn't realize at the time she was experiencing an orgasm as she rubbed herself on me. Then she rolled off me and lay on her back. She spread her legs wide and showed me her revolting vagina again. This time it was all puffy and looked red and inflamed. Also it was quite moist and I realized I had the moisture on my thigh. I could smell her vagina and it smelled slightly of pee and also something else I couldn't identify. "Look, you made me have an orgasm!" she told me, as she continued to show her nakedness to me. She rolled me onto my back and although I had no choice but to let her do that, I was able to cross my legs over each other so she couldn't see my privates. Her hands rubbed up and down my thighs moving to the inside as she tried to pry my legs apart. She eventually got her hand between my knees and forced my legs apart. I felt more tears of shame prickling my eyes as she looked at my nakedness. Then she did something that made me gasp. She suddenly moved her head down my front and took my right nipple into her mouth! I had half heartedly rubbed my own nipples before but that was nothing compared to the feeling of her mouth. Slowly I started to relax and then she moved over to my other breast and sucked on that nipple too. I also felt her hand moving downwards and rubbing over my hair down there. She stopped sucking my nipple and moved down my body. She was now lying between my legs with my most private parts fully exposed to her view. Her hands continued to touch me on what I now know is my pussy and then I felt a burning pain between my legs. "NOOOOO!" I screamed as she pushed her fingers into my vagina. "I am a virgin, don't do that, it hurts!" I sobbed. "I know it hurts but it isn't for long and you will like it when it stops hurting." She took her fingers out and brushed away the tears that formed in the corners of my eyes. Then she kissed me again and was gentle and passionate with me. I felt her fingers at my entrance again and then she suddenly pushed them in. I gasped at the intrusion and felt a sudden tearing inside me, then through the pain came a wonderful feeling as she slowly moved her fingers in and out. My vagina became the centre of my whole world as she continued with what she was doing. I couldn't help myself as her fingers aroused me more and more. I felt something else too and looking down I saw her head between my legs and realized she was licking me. The feelings were beyond belief and I felt as though I was going to wet her bed, which would have been terrible. Then a feeling started in my lower legs and moved upwards at the same time as a feeling started in my tummy and moved downwards. Suddenly my whole being erupted in the strongest physical feeling I had ever had, centred between my legs as I had what I found out later was my first ever orgasm. Slowly she removed her fingers from inside me and I could feel liquid running down over my bottom. I looked and screamed because there was a trickle of blood, which she told me came from my now ruptured hymen. She had stolen my virginity. I laid there and cried my eyes out and she just let me. As I calmed down she took me in her arms again and kissed me telling me I was now a woman. I felt very tender between my legs and couldn't stand anything touching me there because it was so sensitive. Then she laid back and pushed me down her body as she showed me her disgusting pussy again. "Kiss me down there!" she commanded. "No!" I cried, but to no avail. She grabbed my hair and forced my face down onto her vagina. I smelled it strongly now and was almost sick but she persisted. "Stick your tongue out," she told me while pulling my hair harder. I did as she told me, and she somehow moved down and my tongue touched her just by what I now know was her vagina. "Lick me!" she commanded again. Pretending she was an ice cream cornet I licked along her pussy lips. It was hot though and very wet, not cold like an ice cream. I was afraid she would wee on my face. "Don't worry I won't wee on you. I will get very wet but that will be my vaginal juices. That is nectar and I want you to enjoy it," she said as though she read my mind. I continued to lick her and she was right. She did get very wet. She also told me to roll my tongue and push it into her vagina. She showed me where that was by sticking her own finger inside herself. It tasted very strange but also quite nice much to my surprise. She started bucking her hips and held my face to herself with her hands. My tongue was getting tired when she gave a great big heave and literally screamed. I was suddenly afraid I had hurt her. She panted more and more her hips bucking wildly and then she gave another great big heave and made a loud groaning moaning noise and was still. She relaxed and was breathing very hard and looking very sweaty. Then she beckoned me to move up her body. She took me in her arms again and soothed me, rubbing my back gently. Then she got out of bed and went to her dressing table. She reappeared with a key in her hand and walked over to the door and unlocked it. "You can leave if you want to," she said. However that was another tease, because if I left alone and was caught out of bed after lights out and even worse wandering around the school then I would be in serious trouble. I had to stay in her room with her and that meant the two of us slept on her bed. She cuddled up to me and her body warmth kept me awake for a long time. Some time during the night I awoke to feelings between my legs again. She was caressing me down there with her hand draped over me while she cuddled up to my back. Involuntarily my legs opened to give her access. She turned me over and her mouth found mine and we kissed passionately. I had no scruples about what we were doing this time. Her hand moved to my breast and for the first time my hand moved to hers. She started caressing me harder between my legs but I had to stop her because I was still sore and sensitive from before. "Next time we sleep together I will caress you there and you will love it. Now kiss me once more and we should get some sleep," she whispered in my ear as broke off our kiss and then facing each other we fell asleep. We both woke up in the morning and I went into a panic attack forgetting where I was. Guilt and remorse flooded into me and I started crying again. "Grown women don't cry like little girls," she said as she comforted me. I tried to stop crying and she held me and comforted me, which made me feel better. "Now you are a Lesbian like me," she said with a smile on her face, which upset me again. I had received a good Christian upbringing and what she had just said frightened me badly. "Don't be upset, there are lots of girls like us all over the world. Neither are you the only girl who likes other girls in this school. Another girl in your year, Sheila Worthington, likes other girls too," she said as she continued to stroke my back and then my face. I knew Sheila, she was one of my friends. "Did you do this with her?" I asked. "No, it wasn't me who did it with her, but I know who did," she replied. Tears ran down my cheeks again as I thought that she would tell the next girl I too was a Lesbian. "Don't worry, I won't tell anyone else if you don't want me to and if you visit me when I ask you to." I understood what she meant and realized I was trapped. I dare not tell my parents and because she was a prefect and would be believed instead of me when she denied what had happened, I couldn't tell my House Mistress. As it happened I could have told Miss Allen, but I didn't know her well enough then. The truth dawned on me that I would probably be sleeping in her bed again. It confused me about my own sexuality. I didn't want to do what we did, but I did enjoy it and as you, dear reader, will find out in subsequent episodes I have repeated the experience many times. As for boys, I just wasn't sure any more what I wanted. I had some questions to ask myself. Which way do I lean? Then I didn't know women can and do lean both ways.