Date: Mon, 19 Sep 2005 16:26:03 -0700 (PDT) From: Jane Doe Subject: Another Night Wasted - part 3 Disclaimer time! - Don't read this if you shouldn't, if it's illegal, or if you'lll be offended by the things contained herein. You know where you are. Dad went to bed a while ago. I'm still up, laying in my bed, TV on more as background than something to really watch. In the darkness of my room, alone, just my thoughts to keep me company. I wonder what she's doing. I don't know why she bothers with Craig, he's an ass. One of those cocky bastards that think they can score with any girl they please, just because they're a jock or something of the sort. My skin is crawling at the mere thought of him touching her. It's raining out.... An impediment to my smoking. Even snow is better than rain. And it's like ever since the accident, smoking has been how I've avoided thinking about... her, him... obsessing. Like I am now. Sometimes I want her so badly it hurts. Just to lay with her, or hold her close. To feel her body next to mine and breathe in her scent, to bury my face against the back of her neck, hide in her hair. I think I'm going totally fucking crazy... But she's out with her boyfriend... her room is empty and dark. I get up and go to the window, looking out into the night and decide what the fuck... I'll just try and stay under the eaves as best I can. Grabbing my cigarettes and the tin of the good stuff out of my stash drawer in my bedside stand and I open the window and climb out, rain making me shiver as it hits my skin in icy cold droplets. First is the weed, smoking off a half joint I rolled earlier in the week, letting the acrid smoke linger in my lungs and letting it wrap my brain in a soft buzz. After the pot I smoke a real cigarette, nicotine and THC taking the edge off of my other cravings... for a moment at least. Leaning back against the siding of the house I wonder what she'd be like stoned... maybe giggly and happy, maybe overly philosophical. It's almost like a deep ache in my chest as I think back to kissing her, just that once. Likely all I'll ever have. I slip back inside and without thinking about it too much I leave my room and go to hers. The door slides open silently and a feeling of elation washes over me, knowing I have access to this, her private sanctum. What have these walls seen? What could they tell me that I don't already know.... And everything here is hers. Even the air smells of her. Her bed is soft and warm, well made as I lay down on top of the covers, burying my face in her pillow, drinking in her scent. I wonder what she's done in this bed... how often she touches herself, or if she even does it. My mind wanders over the possibility, imaging her laying where I am now, maybe in her pajamas, maybe just in a t-shirt and underwear, maybe wearing nothing at all, the way her hand would move, or her back arch, the sounds and expressions she would make... I wake with a jerk, fog of sleep and smoke still thick around my brain... I was having such a nice dream... a dream about... "Jen?" ... Lana. Her voice is soft in my ear... my heart races and my eyes snap open, maybe it wasn't just a.... then I realize I'm holding the phone to my ear. There is no soft, warm body beside me in bed, no warm breath on my neck or ear. ____________________________________________________________________________________________ The only thing I could, being pulling out my cell phone and dialing the number for home. I held my breath as I waited half a ring, the pickup cutting it short... silence for a moment... "Jen?" a hopeful note in my voice, ever so softly. I let out the breath I didn't realize I was holding in a soft, relieved sigh as I heard my little sister's voice on the other end, sounding rather groggy and disoriented. Oh god she had been sleeping... she almost never sleeps. "Lana... wha... what time is it and where are you? "It's about one. I'm so sorry to wake you Jennie, but I'm out at Brentwood and my ride left me hangin'... Think you could come out and pick me up?" That asshole... I can't believe he left me out here. Making me call home for a freaking ride. "Yeah, yeah no problem Lana... Brentwood? By the Sears entrance? I can be there in twenty." "Thank you, Jen. I'll see you in a few." I waited for the line to click off then folded my phone and slipped it back in my purse. I know very well that, obeying the traffic laws, it would take more than half an hour to get here from our house, but I couldn't protest. I call and wake her up and she almost sounds eager to come and get me. God damn, I hate that bastard about now. ____________________________________________________________________________________________ I was down and out in two minutes, max, a fresh cigarette between my lips to try and drive the fog back from my mind. She's only that dead calm, that quiet, when something has gotten to her. What could've happened? What did she do? Or maybe what didn't she do? The questions whirl through my addled brain as I drive. That fucker had better not have hurt her. Thoughts of violence leave me as I pull around the mall, spotting my big sister standing alone in a pool of light. She's a tiny figure that quickly grows as I approach. Under one of the lamps out front, her face is shrouded in shadows, and as she looks up at the car her face is thrown into high relief, white light from above and deep shadows exaggerating her features. To me she looks like an angel, skin luminous and hair such a shining gold, her red tones washed out and transformed into subtle hints. I slow the car as I pull up, staring at her in awe as she walks over. The dome light snaps me out of it when she opens the door, gifting me with a thankful smile. "Jen, you're gorgeous. Thank you so much." She sounds a bit relieved as she climbs in and even though I know she doesn't... well... mean what she says like I want her to, I'm still blushing. "No problem, just remember this next time I miss curfew by a half hour." Still blushing I'm smiling back at her like a goon, and as I pull out my heart leaps into my throat I reach over to her, laying my right hand on her left and giving hers a gentle squeeze. For the rest of the ride home I'm on cloud nine, holding her hand. Soft and warm and delicate. All I can think of as I drive is how much I love her. ____________________________________________________________________________________________ I climbed into the car and began staring out the window, all the things Craig said still ringing in my ears, anger on a slow burn in my brain and my stomach. I look down in surprise as her hand slides onto mine, giving me a comforting squeeze and bringing a faint smile to my face. Her hand is warm and a bit sweaty, as though she was nervous about something. Squeezing back is a balm on my anger. What does it matter if the first boy around here I date is a total ass? I still have my friends and most importantly, I still have Jen. Sometimes I get lost in taking care of her, but moments like this remind me that she's also here to take care of me. She drives us home, I watch the world pass by out the window, holding her hand securely. I'm just left to think it all over. But mostly I let my mind wander, I've spent enough time and effort liking him to bother too much more with hating him. Just being there with her makes me smile and relax, until it hits me. What would happen if she wasn't there? What would I do if I lost her? And maybe, just maybe, that's why she's been so weird since the accident. I mean, I don't remember any of it, I barely remember getting up that morning, but I know I was out for a good amount of time. And seeing the pictures of what the car looked like... maybe she thought I was dead. Maybe she thought she had lost me. It's almost like getting punched in the chest to even think of it that way. I think she's going to be getting a lot more of my time from now on.... After all, if you can't rely on your sister, who can you rely on? ____________________________________________________________________________________________ When we get back home I have to let go of her hand to get out of the car, and I do it reluctantly. But heading around the car she's still waiting for me at the base of the walk, and when I join her she slides her hand into mine once again and we walk up and into the house together. Side by side, hand in hand we walk. I don't think I've ever been happier. When we get up to her room she pauses, looking at me and raising an eyebrow. I left her door open... heat rises through my face as I feel the blush spread. "Umm... yeah. I kinda fell asleep in your room... I'm sorry I know..." "It's ok, don't worry about it... really... tonight I feel like I could maybe use some company." Her interruption startles me but not nearly as much as the offer. As hard as I try to be calm about it I can't help but stare at her open mouthed for a moment. "Sure... I mean, if you want. If you need it..." "I don't need anything but my little sister. I really would be lost without your little hooligan butt to take care of." She's smiling and I can't help but grin back. On impulse I pull her into a tight hug and hold her there. Her arms slide around me in return and we spend a long moment there in the dark together. I don't think I've ever felt closer to her. At the same time I'm far too conscious of the feel of her body pressed against mine, the softness of her breasts, the slimness of her waist swelling down into her hips, and my god, the smell of her. I bury my face in the side of her neck, breathing in deeply, her perfume making me feel twice as high as any drug ever has. After a long moment she pulls away from the hug, sliding her hand into mine once again and leading me into her room. She takes a moment to close the door behind us and lets go of my hand, turning her back to me and dropping her jacket off her shoulders, hanging it off the chair by her desk. My heart is pounding as she continues to undress, pulling her shirt up and off over her head, exposing the line of her spine, the curve of her waist flaring out into her hips, the contours of her shoulder blades, the smooth skin of her shoulders and the nape of her neck, begging to be touched and kissed, to feel the caress of my lips and tongue, begging to be tasted. Her glance back at me broke my reverie, my mouth dry and the thundering in my ears redoubling until she smiles and giggles a bit, breaking my tension at least. She tosses a shirt over at me, hitting me in the face with it, and with that the last scraps of my nervousness fade. I grab a pillow from her bed and smack her with it, and soon we're giggling like 7 year olds, half naked in bed. After finishing getting dressed we settle in, spooning comfortably, her back to my front. They say reality can never live up to fantasy, but in this case reality far surpassed anything I could have imagined. To feel her against me, her warmth next to me, my arms around her, to have her all to myself. I held her close as she drifted off, and laid there in heaven until sleep took me as well.