Date: Sun, 10 Aug 2003 21:56:49 +0100
From: Jan Vincent <jan123@hotmail.com>
Subject: Unexplainable Longing - Chapter 3

Foreword:

Hi all,

Thank you so much for the reactions I received with the first two chapters.
As promised, here is the 3rd chapter. In order to understand this chapter,
you will have to read the story Sisters available at my own site, which is a
free site containing this and other stories:

http://www.sistersinlove.org


Thank you for your interest,

-jan


Chapter Three
___________________

Of Fickleness and Jealousy


A couple of months before, in a New England college...


Linda McDougall walked hurriedly down the hall of the dorm. Her sister Nikki
had called her and she seemed upset. She said she could not talk over the
phone, and thus it must be something about their relationship, or about yet
another reporter still hounding them down about the scandal her family had
gone through a couple of years before. There had been many close calls and
she kept dreading the day that their relationship would be exposed in the
news. It had been plain stupid to kiss Nikki on that beach, full of
potential witnesses, some of them friends of the twins. Nikki had demanded
it in a way and she had given in in the exact moment she shouldn't have.

Nikki and the twins had to be relocated to another high school, as the
rumors about their incest were spreading like wildfire. The most agonizing
moment was when a social worker showed up at their parents' door asking
questions about the veracity of the rumors. She had warned their parents if
the rumors proved to be true she would have to take Nikki and the twins with
her and put them in foster homes. Linda and their parents could be accused
of promoting and/or perpetrating sexual abuse within their own family.

The pressure exerted upon the girls was enormous and so they all decided
that no sexual relationship between them was possible. Although Linda and
Nikki lived in the same campus, their parents made them choose different
rooms in different dorms. Their father, Fred McDougall, had told them that
he'd gotten credible information that there was at least one reporter still
following their story, gathering hard evidence to write an article and sell
his story to the highest bidder. Linda recalled the day she had collapsed
due to a nervous breakdown, the very day she'd seen that overweight man
smoking a cigar on the backyard of their former house. Now the nightmare
seemed to have come to haunt them again, in the form of an unnamed threat.
Was the reporter that fat man? Was it?

In spite of the impending danger nothing had happened so far. A year later
Linda and Nikki were in college. Linda had chosen Pre-Med while her younger
sister had opted for an English major. Both of them had managed to get good
grants. Linda had been instrumental for her younger sister's excellent GPA,
becoming her coach of sorts. They had even resumed dating other people...
Linda was out as a lesbian, whereas Nikki still had doubts about her
sexuality. She still didn't sit very comfortably with the word "lesbian."
Somehow she felt an incredible amount of pressure from her sister's gay
friends to come out, because according to them she couldn't be bi. They kept
telling her she was just fooling herself by claiming she still found young
men attractive.

Linda entered her sister's dorm hall and climbed the stairs as fast as she
could. When she opened her room's door Nikki was sitting on her bed with a
sad look on her face.

"Nikki, what's the matter? Why did you call me like that? You scared the
hell out of me."

"Linda... I... didn't... couldn't talk about that over the phone. You know
that. You keep telling me how careful we have to be when we call each
other."

"Yes, we have to be, or our names will show up in the news again and this
time the cops may have no other choice other than lock me up for... you know
what."

"Yes, I know."

Linda let her heavy backpack slide onto the floor and kneeled between her
sister's legs, her hands touching her younger sister's denim-covered thighs.
Gently, Nikki removed Linda's hands, her eyes saying it was not wise to do
so. Nikki's roommate could come crashing in without a second's notice. But
it had been so long a time since they had made love. Linda still yearned for
Nikki. Countless times had she cried in her room every time the frustration
she felt plagued her.  She had had good female lovers, but none of them
could compare with Nikki. The sex could be wild and satisfying, but it
lacked the intimacy and complicity she shared with her sister.

"Why did you call me?" Linda said, clearing her throat as she sat next to
Nikki.

"I... You're gonna find it stupid, but I feel sad."

"Why?"

"I've been chatting with this girl on the internet. She seemed nice and I
guess she is... but..."

"But what?"

"She doesn't answer my emails anymore.  We arranged for a chat date on
Sunday and she didn't show up.  She didn't send me an email saying what was
wrong. Maybe I said something that upset her during our last chat date..."

"I've already told you... You shouldn't expect much from internet
friendships. Most of them are very fickle, because people can ignore you
quite easily if they choose to do so."

"But I thought she were my friend. I thought she... really cared about me.
But then... she..."

"Maybe something happened to her and she cannot answer you."

"It's not the first time she does that. If I can't chat with someone I
always warn that person. Many times she skipped chat dates and she didn't
even warn me. How hard is it to send an email and say, 'Hey, I cannot make
it.'?"

Linda saw how hurt Nikki seemed to be in the lightness of her eyes. Nikki
heaved a deep sigh.

"Nikki, what does this girl mean to you?  Why are you so upset about a girl
you don't even know personally?"

"Because..."

"Because?" Linda asked, raising her eyebrows.

"Because we could get along so well... and..."

"And?"

"She seemed to understand everything I told her..."

"And?" Linda said, overcome by an eerie presentiment that her sister was
going to tell her something really nasty.

"And I told her..."

"What did you tell her?" Linda was impatient, her apprehension growing to
unimaginable proportions.

"About us," Nikki whispered.

"WHY?" Linda asked, unable to contain her anger. "For God's sake, why did
you tell her that?"

Nikki began to weep out loud. Feebly she protested.  "Don't shout at me. I
didn't do anything wrong."

"I'm sorry, Nikki, because... you know we HAVE to be careful."

"But she understood me!" Nikki said, her voice becoming stronger, more
assertive.  "She did. I know she did."

"Yes, she did... but where is she now? You said she doesn't even answer your
emails."

"Because she's JEALOUS!" Nikki shouted, sobbing again.

Linda became scared, flinching away from her sister's anger mixed with a
painful sense of abandonment. Linda brought her arm around her sister's
neck, heaving a nervous sigh. With a calmer voice, Linda asked, "What do you
mean, she's jealous?"

"Because she is."

"Why? Tell me."

"Because... she... and her sister... They were like us."

Linda's eyes went wide open. "What?  She... and her sister..."

"Yes, they were... They had experimented, nothing serious... but she... told
me... She could understand me."

"But why do you think she's jealous?"

"Because I chatted with her sister once and I made her a compliment... and
then she GOT JEALOUS, because she was there too."

"But how do you know she got jealous? Did you talk about it? Did she tell
you she was jealous?"

"No, but I know that's the reason, and that hurts like HELL."

"But how can you be so sure?"

"I just know... and that's so sad, because I really liked her. She made me
feel I was not alone in this. And I miss our chats so much!"

Linda began to comprehend what was behind the disproportioned reaction of
her younger sister. The loneliness Nikki felt was getting to her. She had
found someone on the net she at last could confide in, and that girl had
betrayed her by not answering her emails anymore.

"Nikki, listen... Don't be like this. There are for sure other girls like
that... Like us... Even though... we aren't like that anymore."

"I know. Sometimes I really want to die."

"Nikki, don't talk like that! You don't know what you're saying."

"This is a nightmare. A nightmare I cannot wake up from."

On that exact moment, the door of Nikki's room swung open and a girl dressed
in a gothic outfit shuffled in. It was Valerie McKenzie, a New Zealander
from the outskirts of Auckland, or so Linda had heard.

"Hello, you. Great to see you again."

"Hi," Linda greeted, worrying about what Valerie could have heard before she
entered their room.

As Valerie was a blabbermouth Linda stood up and picked up her backpack. The
last thing she wanted at that moment was to be dragged into a conversation
with the Goth Grrl, as Valerie called herself. Linda took a rapid glance,
noticing the long black dress and the ankle lace-up boots the Goth Grrl was
wearing. Three tiny silver skulls hung from each earlobe and on her upper
breast lay three silver necklaces from which stylized dragons and double
axes hung loosely. Although she was not into that scene, Linda had always
had a thing for gothic females; however, Valerie was not the best example of
that kind of girls.

"You leaving?" Valerie asked as she lit a candle, which she used to ignite
incense and evict the evil spirits from the room.

Linda nodded.  "Yes. I gotta go. Need to study hard for my finals."

"You're in Pre-Med, aren't you?" Valerie asked, preventing Linda escaping
from the net that was being cast over her.

"Yes, I am... But I need to go."

"Why are you so nervous?  I'm not gonna bite you.  And... if I had your
looks I wouldn't be so hard on myself."

"What do you mean, with my looks?" Linda kicked herself in her mind, because
she was letting Valerie win. She was being drawn into a conversation she
didn't want.

"You know, you're pretty... and you're hot... so..."

"So, what?"

"If I were you I'd find a rich husband... and so... I wouldn't have to
work... and study for those stupid finals."

"So, why don't *you*?"

"Because Goth girls are not what rich men want. A blonde like you, oh yes...
That's definitely what men want."

"Sorry to disappoint you," Linda said with a grimace. "But I don't *do* men
anymore. I am into girls... Perhaps you can tell me where I can find myself
a rich woman then. Maybe I'll be interested." With this Linda opened the
door and banged it shut behind her.


* * *


Sven Anderssen was a Swedish exchange student Nikki had met in the bar she
worked as a waitress.  He was absolutely gorgeous, with dirty blond hair,
deep blue eyes, a manly square chin, a flat chest, but quiet and polite.
Unlike many American boys she'd met he was very knowledgeable and
circumspect for his age. Sometimes she wanted to shake him and shout, "Stop
being so damn serious!"  He would come to the bar at the end of the day and
would order a steak with some boiled vegetables and a beer. French fries
were adamantly refused by him, setting him apart from the other young men
Nikki was acquainted with. Sometimes she thought she was falling in love
with him, although there were other times she doubted the seriousness of her
feelings for him. These reservations arose when the memories of her sister
washed over her, and that uncanny feeling of utter belonging made her feel
sad and frustrated. Even though Sven was a great guy, Linda was larger than
life.

Nikki recalled the day Sven had come to the bar and asked for the usual. He
seemed upset by some nuisance. He'd mumbled something unintelligible in his
mother tongue when Nikki laid his dish on the table.

"What did you say?"

"Nothing," he said, his Nordic accent becoming clearer. "It's just me making
funny sounds."

"Yes, but you were saying something."

His eyes left the table for the first time and faced hers. He smiled. "You
are a very sweet girl. Much sweeter than many Swedish girls I know."

Nikki smiled.  She liked the quiet, almost dispassionate way he made
compliments.  Because of that she could feel how sincere he was.

"You're also very sweet, too," she said.  "In a way, you intrigue me. You're
so different from the guys I know."

"Different?" he said, his frown becoming more visible.

"Yeah, you're so... I can't say it out loud. All I know is that you're
different."

Nikki was forced to leave Sven's booth by her boss's discontented look. As
she didn't want to lose her job, she moved to another booth. She could sense
Sven's covert stare, though, and that made her happy. She couldn't recall
what was the last time she'd felt the same from getting the undivided
attention of a man.

When Sven rose to leave, Nikki said, "Hey, you gotta pay me still."

She saw his handsome smile grow on his face. "I was not leaving. I need to
go to the washroom."

"Yeah, I know," Nikki said, accepting the 10-dollar tip from a white-haired
business man. "I was just teasing you."

"How did you know?"

"I know," she stated, casting an amused smug look at him.

When he returned to his booth, he called her. After taking care of an order,
Nikki stepped unhurriedly to where Sven was.  "Yes, *Sir*... Anything else?"

"Anything else?"  He seemed confused for a moment.  "No, I don't want to
order.  I just..."

"You just?"

Without answering he pulled out a ball-pen from the pocket of his shirt.  He
hesitated for a few seconds until he said, "I want to write something on
your hand."

"What?" she said, her smile becoming a grin. "Your phone number?"

"No, something else. Something in Swedish."

"What?  What do you want to write?"

"I will only tell you if you let me do it."

"Okay," she eventually concurred, curious about his secrecy and the
intentness his eyes radiated.

He took her left hand and placed the palm on the table. Between her thumb
and forefinger, he wrote *Jag alskar dig*.

Nikki squinted at what he had written on the back of her hand. "How do you
pronounce this?"

He spoke the words out loud with half a smile on his face.

"And what does that mean?" Nikki asked.

"What do you think it means?"

"You tell me," she said, sending him a self-assured smile. "You told me you
would if I let you write it on my hand."

"Okay... It means 'I love you,' in Swedish."

Nikki grinned. "Is that true?  Or you just say that to every girl you meet?
A kind of Swedish trick to seduce American girls."

"No," he said, shaking his head gravely. "I do mean it. Actually... it's the
first time I say that... I mean, I write it... for a girl."

Nikki looked at him, realizing he was dead serious. Sven Anderssen really
did love her. 'Wow!' she thought. She breathed in and then out, letting the
air escape from her lungs slowly. "Wow!" she said out loud. "Sorry, I need
to go." And she left, turning about, closing her eyelids, because his
intensity made her confused. She had never met a man like Sven and... she
didn't know if she liked that feeling. Somehow, sensitive males were quite
dangerous to her mental sanity. She knew she could hurt them really badly,
as she had done to a few. The problem was that it made her feel guilty when
she had to say no, as she could only accept their friendship. Many of them
would remain friends with her, but quite a few wouldn't, and that in turn
would hurt her, making her feel bad about herself.


* * *


Nikki hurried down the road leading to the library when she heard a male
voice calling her name. She turned and saw it was Sven walking toward her
with his attractive smile. He carried a generously packed, heavy-looking
backpack, a sketchpad and several comic books. Sven's major was
architecture, but lately he had become quite interested in drawing comics.
He had asked her if she would model for him. She said she would think about
it. She wasn't particularly keen to do that, because she didn't know him
that well, and thus she was unaware of what his true intentions were.

"Hi, Nikki. Are you going to the library?"

"Yeah. Need to."

"What for?  Fun or serious matter?"

She smiled and said, "Neither. I just need to concentrate and study for my
finals."

"So, is *study* not a serious matter?" asked he, his foreign accent becoming
audible.

"Well, yes, it is... but not serious enough." He began to walk beside her.
She continued. "I find world hunger and overpopulation serious matters.
Studying for a final is not that serious."

He smiled but said nothing. Nikki's eyes caught the cover drawing of a comic
album Sven was carrying. A tall leggy blond young woman leaned in to kiss a
naked brunette on a beige background.

"What's that?" she asked, pointing to the comic book.

Sven came to a halt, arranged his backpack on his shoulder and freed one
hand to hand the book over to her. Nikki read the title. *Click 4* by Milo
Manara. The first pages seemed quite innocuous until she hit the vignette of
an exquisite, beautiful blond woman making physical exercises, half naked,
in front of her brother. She was shameless and had no qualms in displaying
herself to her sibling, as she didn't wear any panties... Nikki chuckled,
finding it unlikely, but those erotic, suggestive drawings made her
instantaneously wet. That girl in that story reminded her of her sister
Linda. They had the same statuesque, lithe build, the same kind of blond
hair and the same overpowering attitude. However, Linda would never expose
herself like that.

Nikki tried to calm herself down. Her heart was beating like hell.

"Do you like it?" Sven asked, smiling.

"Well, the drawings are nice, but... I don't know... I haven't read the
story."

"Manara is a true artist. He's my favorite."

"And one day you'd like to be just like him," Nikki said with a grin,
driving away her nervousness. "Drawing comics with lots of naked women doing
things you wouldn't dare ask your girlfriend to do."

"Fantasy is fantasy," he said with a serious tone. "And besides, I can't
think of a better job than drawing naked women and getting paid for it."

Before she could say anything, she saw her sister striding forcefully toward
them. Her loose long blond tresses contrasted with the blackness of her
leather jacket and jeans. As ever her older sister looked so incredibly hot
and sure of herself. Her tall, slender frame didn't hide the curve of her
hips and waist and breasts. Although she wore clothes a man could wear her
figure was definitely feminine. Nikki saw her sister's worried expression
becoming a smile of recognition.

"Hi, Linda."

"Hi, Nikki," Linda said.

There was a moment Nikki could see some hidden dissatisfaction in her
sister's green eyes when she took a quick glance at Sven. Nikki knew her
sister too well, and that was a distinct sign she was jealous. On the other
hand, she was able to see how Sven gaped at her sister. Out of fear she had
never mentioned Linda to Sven, or to many of her friends, for that matter.
Sometimes it was good to forget she had a big sister like Linda. Her life
would be far simpler if Linda didn't exist, but somehow that very idea made
her queasy, angry, and scared at the same time.

"So, what's up, Sis?" Nikki asked.

"Nothing is up." And beckoning with her head and eyes, Linda added, "So, are
you not going to introduce me to your boyfriend?"

Sven laughed anxiously, casting a short-lived look at Nikki. "No, Nikki's
not my girlfriend.  She is...  We're friends."

It was probably unfair of her to think like that, but his words sounded like
treason to Nikki. She became angry with him. She became convinced he was
making sure her sister knew he was still available. Little didn't he know
that Linda would never be interested in him! Little did he know that her
sister was a lesbian! Little did he know that Linda and herself had been
lovers!

Before Nikki's resentment could fade away, comforted by her train of
thought, Linda said, "Well, then treat her well... She's my little sister
and I can be quite nasty if someone hurts her."

For a moment he became speechless, stunned by Linda's biting tone of voice.
Soon enough he regained his composure, laughing as if he'd finally
interpreted Linda's words as a joke. Nikki, however, knew better. Her sister
meant every word she'd said.

"Is everything okay with you?" Nikki asked, somewhat worried by her sister's
testiness.

"Yeah, I guess. I'm just sick of all those men hitting on me, some of them
old enough to be my father. But I won't bother you with that. I gotta go."

"Wanna talk tonight?" Nikki asked, turning as her sister passed them by.

Linda stopped, made a half turn to face her sister. She threw her hair away
from her face, heaving a long, deep sigh and said, "Yeah, just call me to my
dorm. I'm broke and can't afford my cell phone anymore. I really need to
work this summer." And with this her older sister turned and left, taking
wide, swift steps away from them, as though she wanted to get the hell out
of there as soon as she could.

Nikki stayed there, absolutely motionless, seeing her sister go. And then,
out of nowhere, she was assaulted by a sudden need to cry, cry her lungs
out.


* * *


"Why were you so confrontational with him?" Nikki uttered. She took her
glass of ice tea and drank half of it. Her sister had wanted to eat out, and
so they had decided to eat dinner in that room, the Student Hall restaurant,
full of boisterous college guys and girls.

"I'm sorry," her sister replied as she cut a slice of her juicy steak. "I
was just pissed."

"Why?"

"Men."

"Why men?"

"I swear, if they don't stop bothering me, I'll become a true-blue dyke with
piercings up my nose, tattoos everywhere, and a crew cut."

"I don't think that's the problem."

"Oh no?" Linda said with surprised skepticism. "Okay, then tell me what my
problem is."

"You were just jealous... of Sven.  And that's the problem."

"Me? Jealous? Of him?"

"I mean... of me... with him. Don't deny it, because you thought I was his
girlfriend."

Linda shrugged. "Well, so what? Isn't that true?"

"No, it isn't, and you know that."

"No, I don't, but that doesn't really matter."

"What? You don't believe me?"

Nikki saw her sister's gaze fall upon her with that old familiar intensity.
She could see some tears welling up in her eyes. Suddenly, her sister stood
up and with a troubled voice she said, "I'm sorry, I'll..."  Linda did not
complete the phrase before she ran into the crowd, disappearing temporarily
from view.  Nikki remained at the table, still staring at the corner her
sister had turned. Linda had gone to the girls' room, probably to cry
without being stared at. She thought to go there and console her, but she
felt weak, incensed at her sister's behavior and jealousy.

Maybe they should become lovers again, she thought. Maybe it was the *only*
way they could be happy.


* * *


Linda was drinking coffee by herself on the cafeteria, her tired, heavy head
propped up by her right hand, her fist making a reddish dent on her cheek.
She stared at the brownish liquid, no longer hot, only lukewarm, like her
own life. She wanted so much to be in another place, in another lifetime.
She would probably be married by now with a loving husband and a bunch of
yellowish-haired kids. It sucked to be a lesbian. It sucked that her parents
didn't quite accept her new identity. She had come out to Mom and Dad, over
the phone, and all they told her was that she was going through a "phase."
When she told them it was *not* a phase, they would still deny it, not
taking her seriously, as if she were a pigtailed kid, who still did not know
her place in life.

She raised her eyes and noticed she was being stared at, again by that lanky
young man, with too much acne and too insecure of himself to come up to her
and say "it" out loud. She saw him look down, as though he was immersed in
his reading. He devoured his lunch, a dirty-looking sandwich with too much
grease and lettuce in between the slices of unhealthy white bread. She
sighed deeply, and again she was assaulted by an urgent need to cry. She
just felt too unhappy, too angry with that young man who didn't let her go
because of his shyness and sneaky glances. She got up and left the
cafeteria, making a superhuman effort to keep her eyes dry.

She went to her room, and once again that fantasy overcome her -- to cut her
hair with her roommate's scissors, so that that silent harassment would
stop, so that she would be taken seriously by her colleagues, professors and
their assistants. The problem was she was too beautiful, too attractive for
her own good, even though she often dressed down, wearing sweatshirts and
jeans and -- most importantly -- no makeup.

Linda was sure that most people she was acquainted with knew she was gay,
but unfortunately that common knowledge had only caused her even more
trouble with both men and women. After all, she embodied men's ultimate
fantasy -- an impossibly beautiful lesbian young girl, unreachable, but who
shared the same breathing space with them. She was a trophy to be conquered
and won over. It seemed as though they wanted her even more when they
learned she was attracted to women, as if she would be interested in a kinky
threesome with another attractive girl of their choosing. They obviously
failed to understand the meaning of the word "lesbian"; but humankind was
known to be passionate about denial... and she had to cope with that, one
way or another. Women's denial was dealt out in a different way. They would
ignore her, giving her the cold shoulder. She was already used to it by now,
and more so when she saw some resentment in their eyes as if they wordlessly
said, "How dare you come here with your gayness? How dare you make us think
about what and who we really are? How dare you say you are a lesbian when
you have the looks to get all the men you want? How *dare* you?"

Linda looked for her roommate's scissors but could not find them anywhere.
It was obvious Kristin had taken them with her. Desponded Linda let herself
flop down on her bed, and this time she cried silently, feeling her despair,
her loneliness so vividly. She thought of herself as a failure, a fraud, a
jealous bitch. Even her sister Nikki hated her. She had no else in the
world. Gradually she drifted into sleep, and strange dreams took over. She
was carried into a foreign world, a land where people did not speak. All was
understood by telepathy. She heard so many voices -- angry, cat-like
voices... that snarled at her. Menacing, feline eyes kept watching her every
move and filled her with fear. She wanted to leave, but she didn't know how.
She wanted to go, but she didn't know where to.

"Sis, I'm here," Nikki said.

"Where?"

"Here."

"Where?" Linda asked, still unable to fathom where her sister's voice came
from. She was surrounded by growing darkness and ghostly trees with leafless
branches.

"Here." Her sister's voice seemed to go weaker as if she spoke from a
farther place.

"WHERE?"

Her sister answered with a strident, piercing scream. Linda woke up, shaking
and panting. It had been a dream, a horrible dream. Someone was trying to
kill her sister.

"Linda, are you okay?"

Linda's eyes had some difficulty focusing on the owner of that recognizable
voice. The apprehensive face of her roommate became less blurred. Kristin
Laszlo, a girl with pitch black hair, pale face, huge dark eyes, and
black-painted fingernails, sat on the edge of her bed and watched over her
with an attentive, preoccupied stare. Kristin called herself Raven, the bird
of the nightly spirits. With this thought, Linda propped herself up with her
elbows.

"I had a nightmare."

"I can see that," Raven said. "But are you okay?"

Linda didn't say a word, still in the throes of her dark dream. She sat up
and rotated her folded legs to the edge of her bed, avoiding Raven's back.

"You seem beat, exhausted."

"I am," said Linda, stretching out her arms, her fingers interlacing each
other in a nervous, tense twitch.

"Finals?"

"Yeah."

"Or something else?"

"What do you mean?"

"I don't know. I just feel you are not telling me everything."

Linda sighed, her eyes looking away from her friend and chancing upon
Raven's huge posters of bands like Placebo and Bauhaus. One of the posters
screamed the phrase, "Bela Lugosi is dead."

"I can't, Raven. You have to accept that."

"Yes, Linda McDougall and her secrets." Raven returned to her desk, strewn
with CDs, pens, half-torn paper sheets, and her ominous, ever-present
computer. Raven was a computer freak, passing an unimaginable amount of time
surfing the net, posting messages in forums about subjects as wide as
vampirism and Washington D.C. politics. She used to joke that both subjects
weren't a far cry from each other.

"Kristin," Linda called. There were moments that her roommate's
nom-de-guerre wouldn't do.  "I didn't want to hurt you. I know you're my
friend, but... I just can't tell you... everything."

Raven looked at her, her lips making a crooked O. "Just go to wherever you
have to go. Go find her and everything will be okay."

"You and your prophecies."

"Which have never let me down."

Linda stared at Raven, her roommate's seriousness becoming evident in the
darkness of her glittering eyes. There were times that her roommate seemed
to be a witch from the Middle Ages. Linda laughed at this thought and
decided to follow her friend's advice, oracle, or whatever that was.

It was already dark when Linda crossed the immense lawn that separated her
dorm from her sister's. She saw a few jocks jogging before dinnertime. Her
head was down, as if with that posture she would be less conspicuous. Once
inside the building of Nikki's dorm, she pressed the button of the intercom
and waited for an answer. Due to a new safety policy, each dorm floor could
only be accessed through a specific key after 7 PM. Every visitor had to be
screened at the front door and allowed in through an electronically
activated lock.

Linda waited for half a minute before she rang again. At last, someone
answered the intercom.

"Yes?" a not so friendly female voice answered.

"I'm looking for Nicole McDougall. Is she there?"

There was a pause as though the girl was inquiring about her sister's
whereabouts. Again Linda waited, wondering whether Raven's suggestion was
actually a extremely bad idea after all. Eventually, the other girl returned
and said, "Well, she ain't here. I asked around and they say she went out."

"Do you know where?"

"Hmm... I am not sure, but I can ask."

"No, don't bother. Thanks."

Linda returned to the lawn outside, her head low, letting her long strands
of golden hair hiding her face, full of disappointment and... anger. Anger
because of her own stupidity. Of course, Nikki wasn't there, Linda thought.
Her sister was not the social misfit she was turning into. Linda balled up
her hands into tight fists and roared out an irate cry. Then, she made a
decision. She had to stop behaving like a baby and fight for her sister.
Linda was sure Nikki was with Sven. Ignoring the questioning look of two
young men who had seen her cry out her frustration, Linda scurried to the
Student Hall restaurant. Her intuition had just instructed her that she
should look for Nikki down there.

And there she was, sitting across from that Swedish exchange student, who
was visibly smitten with her sister. Linda's jealousy had no limits when she
saw him hold her sister's hand. Nikki smiled at Sven, as if she was in love
with him... Linda shut her eyes, refusing the fact that she was losing her,
Nikki, the love of her life. She made a half turn and ran away from the
restaurant. She began to hyperventilate, reminding her of that incident at
the movie theater, the evening she had broken up with Rick Hillman. The
thought of the kind usherette made her calm down, though, but not for long.
Linda recalled it was her sister who comforted her under a starry sky,
making her forget the pain she felt about the breakup. But now... who would
comfort her? Nobody. She was alone, so terribly alone. And Jeannie's voice
emerged through her tumbling, chaotic thoughts. Her youngest sister had
questioned her about suicide. She had replied with an emphatic 'no.' But
now... killing herself didn't look so bad. No one would miss her. No one.

Like a zombie Linda walked back to her room and fortunately Raven wasn't
there. She got rid of her clothes and lay down on her bed completely naked.
Her eyes were dry, because there were no more tears left. She shut her
eyelids as her hand moved down and up her body and as if her own self
searched a reason to stay alive. And waking up her own body with desire
seemed the only way out, the only reason to live for. It was pathetic to
feel that way, she thought, but her hand moved between her thighs and
breasts as if it had its own will. She emptied her mind, feeling the
electric currents filling her brain with suffused pleasure. Her nails
scraped the sensitive skin of her inner thighs, as if mild pain made sure
she was not dead, yet. Her middle finger parted her lower lips slowly,
making her experience another surge of pleasure. She raised her legs, her
two hands caressing her thighs lovingly... For a moment she fantasized her
legs were Nikki's... because they looked so alike... Still, it hurt, and she
expelled that image from her mind. She concentrated on her own pleasure, and
the hands that made her knees tremble languidly. Her secretions accumulated
between the lips below, her fingers becoming wet with them. Her left hand
kept busy massaging her breasts and nipples. A sigh left her mouth. A moan
followed, and she bit her lips, relaxing a little. Her right hand continued
its effort, releasing the tension and the frustration from her body. She
stretched out her legs, her fingers more intent on the upper part of her
vulva, feeling the clitoris engorged with blood. It started to pulse,
becoming very sensitive to the touch of her knowing fingers. Then a tongue
out of the mist of a dream came and licked it. And she came, pressing her
thighs together, as though to keep the pleasure inside.

It had been a quiet orgasm. It had been dreamlike, almost not real... But
her fingers were wet and the slick liquid of her pleasure seeped out of her
sex and wetted the sheets.


* * *


The phone rang several times until Linda heard Raven answer it. With some
effort her eyes became focused on her roommate's face.

"It's for you," Raven said, handing over the receiver.

Realizing she was naked under the sheet of her bed, Linda recalled what she
had done on her bed the night before. Raven must have seen her as naked as a
child, her fingers between her legs, covered with the pungent aroma of
self-release. Her roommate had surely tucked her in.

Trying not to blush Linda accepted the receiver, her hand brushing against
Raven's fingers. For a moment Linda's roommate smiled knowingly.

"Yes?" Linda said to the receiver, avoiding Raven's dark eyes.

"It's me," a female voice said with a worried inflection. It was Nikki's.

"Hi," Linda said, sadness flooding her senses once again.

"Hi. Are you okay?"

"No, not really."

"I thought so. We need to talk."

"Okay, I'm listening."

"Not over the phone. Meet me in the library entrance in fifteen minutes,
okay?"

Before Linda was able to reply she heard the dial tone. Linda was confused.
Her sister was rarely this sure of herself. To hang up before getting an
answer about a suggestion of a date was something extraordinary between
them. 'It must be Sven,' Linda thought bitterly. 'That guy is giving her
ideas.'

Without thinking Linda removed the sheet from her body and got up to her
feet. Before long she noticed Raven's stare on her naked body. She turned
and faced her.

"What?"

"I'm sorry," Raven said with an embarrassed smile. "I didn't mean to stare.
It's because it's the first time I see you completely... unclothed.  You
have a... dream body. I wish..."

"You wish?"

"I wish I had your figure. You are absolutely gorgeous."

Linda smiled and looked at her own breasts. "Well, I can't complain. But...
be careful with me... I may bite." Linda was grinning now.

"You do?" Raven said with an impish grin. "Well, one of my favorite books
ever is *Carmilla*... So, please do."

Linda's eyes bulged out for a short moment. She couldn't believe what she
was hearing. Raven was coming on to her. Or perhaps she was just answering
in kind. "Maybe later," she said. "I gotta go."

Hurriedly Linda strode to the library, feeling her blood pulsing against her
temples.  She couldn't almost breathe. Linda braced herself for the worst.
Nikki was going to tell her that Sven was her boyfriend and she wanted her
to get to know him better. As if! When she arrived at the stairs leading to
the library Nikki was already there waiting for her. With a sigh of relief
Linda noticed her sister was by herself. Sven was nowhere to be seen. As her
anxiety mounted Linda climbed up the stairs toward Nikki.

"Hi," Linda greeted with a lump in her throat.

"Hi," Nikki replied with a preoccupied expression. "You really don't look
good. You are so pale."

"Funny that you say that. I've just received a compliment from my roommate.
She said I had a dream body, the body she wanted to have."

"I'm not talking your body. I'm talking about *you*. I know you're not okay.
You even lost weight. I can see that in your face."

"So, what do you want to talk about?" Linda looked around to see if someone
was eavesdropping. "I think we should find another place."

"Let's go for a walk."

They descended the stairs and silently walked together to a lawn where a
copse of elms had been planted. Linda looked to the branches of the elms.
They were covered with leaves unlike those sterile branches of her
nightmare, the nightmare in which her sister had been murdered. A thrill of
disgust and fear ran through Linda's body.

"What happened?" Nikki asked, coming to a halt. "Why are you shaking?"

"It was just... a bad dream."

"About what?"

"Don't make me tell it. I don't want to freak you out."

"We've never had secrets between us. Tell me."

"Really? I thought we had."

"What are you talking about?"

"Sven, for instance."

"What about him? What do you want to know? I don't have any secrets about
him."

"Yeah, right. I saw you holding his hand yesterday, and you say you don't
have anything to tell me."

"I didn't say I didn't have anything to tell you. I just said I didn't have
any secrets about him."

"Okay, I'm listening," Linda said, folding her arms, waiting.

"You're being a bitch, Linda. Why are you like that? Why? I don't understand
it. I don't." And with this Nikki's eyes filled up with tears. She tried to
wipe her eyes dry with her fingers. "I don't recognize you any longer. It
seems you've spying on me. It seems... you don't care about me anymore.
Linda, we don't have a relationship. You said so yourself. We're not
girlfriends... Why... Why?"

"I'm sorry, Nikki," Linda said, looking away, confused and ashamed by her
own behavior. Her sister was right. She had become a bitter jealous bitch
and she just could not help it. "It's just... I can't stand it." And with
this she made a quarter of a turn and kept walking to the elms. The trees
would protect her from curious staring, as streams of tears ran down her
cheeks.


* * *


Nikki saw her beloved sister walk away, triggering in her an eerie feeling
of deja vu. She didn't know what to do, her apparent powerlessness becoming
cruelly clear. Then, a sudden urged impelled her to say, "Wait," but Linda
kept walking as if she was ignoring her. "Linda, wait," she cried out,
hurrying her nervous steps to catch up with her. "Linda, look at me," she
said, holding her sister's denim-covered arms. "Look at me, please." With
some hesitation she parted her sister's blond strands uncovering an unhappy
yet beautiful face of a young woman she could not stop loving, in spite of
everything. "Linda, listen to me. I love you, and I always will... But
explain me... how... I can..."

"What?"

"How I can love you. How you want me to love you. No Sven, no man is gonna
keep us apart. You should know that by now."

Nikki observed her sister's sad face, streaked with wet trails. Linda heaved
a sigh and looked away, as though the branches and the wind-swept rustling
leaves above their heads had an unfathomable meaning. Her big sister sighed
once more, then faced her. "I'm not good for you. Like you said, I'm a
jealous bitch... I don't know who I am anymore, and I don't know what kind
of person I'm becoming. Anyway, I don't like it one bit. Just go with Sven
and just forget me."

"HOW?" Nikki cried out, almost in tears. "How am I supposed to do that?"

"You'll find a way."

(to be continued)