Date: Tue, 2 Mar 2010 15:29:45 -0800 (PST) From: Mas P Subject: The thing about love is... - Part 2/3 The second installment. Special thanks to my proofer Liza. :) You're awesome. If you'd like to fan my ego, or take it down a notch then hit me up at: maspgurl@yahoo.com. The thing about hurt is... By Mas. "Why don't you two talk Michelle?" My sister sat on her couch sipping a beer as I lie sprawled across from her. I was staying with her for the past two and a half months. I hadn't spoken to you since that night. I heard about the phone calls and the conversations you had with my sister. I heard about the apologies and the regret. I heard it all. Hearing it didn't change anything. Not for my heart. "She cried like a baby on this couch Shell." We were sitting at her kitchen table a week after I left when she told me this. I was trying to avoid discussing it all since my eyes needed a break from crying. They started up again when Sarah told me that. My strong, sexy Jessica. You barely cried at all when your aunt died and she was like a mother to you. I tried to picture your face crumbling the way Sarah described. That strong jaw trembling, those intelligent eyes clouded with pain... So I heard about that night; and about all of the phone calls even as they trailed down to one per week then none per week. Then I saw the other woman. She was pretty enough. I saw flashes of my fingers slowly wrapping themselves around her neck so decided not to approach her. Pretty or not, you turned to her when you could have come to me. What did she have that I didn't? It made me too depressed to think up all of the possibilities. "No Sarah, I'm not calling her. We...I can't." "You were together for two years honey." I stood up and walked away. I heard Sarah sigh in frustration. I knew she still talked to you. I also knew that she nearly kicked your ass at work the next day. It must have been quite the scene watching a 5' 3" woman beat up on a 6' 2" woman with enough muscle to make some men envious. You two were always close in that big sister-little sister way so it didn't surprise me to hear that you went to her. It had to be when I was at work trying to bury my pain away in account after account, number after number. Have you moved on? Have you called her up, this woman you asked to scratch some itch that my fingers couldn't reach? Why didn't you come to me? "Am I not beautiful enough? Smart enough?" I asked this to Sarah that night she opened her door to the mess that was me. Your betrayal raised so many insecurities that I thought I resolved years ago. It made me question every endearment you ever told me, or wrote to me. It made me question everything. Every little thing. I saw you. If you knew I walked by your office every evening after work just to watch your jeep drive away I know that you'd be the one waiting for me with hope in your eyes. So I never showed myself. My body disobeyed my mind every time these legs walked the three blocks to lean against a building across the street and watch you drive out of the garage on your way home. Or do you go to her home instead? Sarah said that you weren't with anyone. She told me not to expect that to happen. Sarah needed to keep her nose out of our business, but it's hard. She's the middle woman. Despite all that's happened you are my business. Seeing you slip on your shades like you always do as soon as you stepped outside calmed me even as it made me sad. Some afternoons you'd sit behind the wheel for a while, your face an impassive mask, save for your lips. What were usually smiling, inviting lips were tense those afternoons. You'd sit, behind your shades, thinking. I loved seeing you in those shades as much as I loved taking them off. Despite my distance, those evenings I wish that I could have taken them off. I'd run my thumb over your lower lip until you smiled again and told me what was wrong. Then we saw each other. I guess I was silly to think that word of our breakup wouldn't reach the inner gossip ring of our friends. I guess it was a bit silly to think that women wouldn't clamor to get with you. You were the perfect lesbian package before I snatched you up. You had a well paying job, you were intelligent, you didn't sleep around, you were so easygoing and easy on the eyes that everyone loved you. You made the women around you feel like royalty. So when I saw you at the market that very morning with your shades on top of your hair, keeping the soft dark strands out of your eyes and those comfortable jeans you loved to wear, it made my heart speed up. You looked thinner and your body looked tense as you scanned a row of fish. I wondered what you were going to cook that night, if you were cooking it for someone. Then I got my answer in the form of a woman a few inches shorter than you. The familiarity she had with you made me bite my lip to keep a curse caged inside. Our breakup hasn't broken my jealousy. You moved on and I was still waddling around in the dust. I stood around long enough to see you smile at her then our eyes locked before I turned around and literally ran away. I heard you calling my name and the annoyed responses of people you bumped on the way out but I wasn't going to let you see me cry. Not when you seemed to have found what you needed already and I was still in a state of shock at losing what we had. I needed to get over you. Move on. I had to. So I told Sarah about seeing you that morning and she tried to make me contact you. She's trying to glue it all back together. I packed as much as I could one afternoon when you were at work, but I know that I left most of myself there. Did you throw it all away? Is it in storage? Did she tell you to get rid of them? Has she been with you again? I took your sweatshirt, the one that I wear on the chillier nights. Even after washing it hundreds of times it still smelled like you. Or maybe it was my mind bringing your scent to my memory. I thought about revenge. Sleeping with some woman to prove that I could. I was very close to doing that one night. My friends were on another mission to help me get over you and they kept my glass filled with alcohol all night. Drinks so sweet and colorful that I had to watch the mixing process to see if there was any alcohol in the concoctions at all. A cute woman took interest and we started to chat, then dance, then kissing turned into nuzzling until I was in some dark corner pressing into her body like a cat in heat. You and I had sex most nights unless one of us was sick or particularly tired. To go without it for a month was getting to me so when she asked to take me home I agreed. Her clothes were off in a matter of seconds which surprised me. You knew how much I loved your body. You loved mine just as much so both of us liked to make a show out of getting naked. She pushed me into a couch but it wasn't as soft as the couch we bought a week after we moved in together. Hers was leather and made that squeaky, rubbing sound every time one of us moved. My 5' 6" frame was very close to the other woman's but I was use to the press of your taller frame over me. Our kisses turned wilder and wilder until I felt her hands snaking their way beneath my t-shirt. Something in me decided it was time to break down again, even if it meant in the arms of a sexy stranger. My shoulders began to shake until I was all out crying and apologizing. Even today I get emails from Bobby, whose name I found out the next morning. She knew she was probably my rebound woman but decided to give it a try anyway. She had more courage than I ever did. You weren't seeing her. Sarah told me. She also told me that she was trying to get together with you, the pretty lady hanging all over you in that market. I told Sarah that I didn't care and turned my head away as she explained to the back of my head that you were just going out with a friend. I didn't reply when she told me that you were just as sad as I was, just as lost. Both of us, two nomads. "We need to go out. Why don't you come with us?" Tasha said this as we left work. She worked at the same financial center I worked at and we connected in the cafeteria one afternoon when she went for the last carton of chocolate milk. I knew she was a great person when she took it, grabbed a cup then asked if I wanted to share. Like most good friends she immediately hated you when she found out about what you did. "I'm not surprised..." she mumbled when I told her. Like a lot of my friends, most of them had no idea how I "tamed" you. They also had no idea that you were already tamed even before you and I were serious. You walked around with your swagger and flirted away then went home at night to write poetry and watch old romance movies. They didn't know because they didn't want to. I wanted to know. You were so scared but you showed me the real you anyway. Did that woman get to see this part of you too? She was like a scar now, a constant reminder of when you fell and broke us. I hope that she never saw you. "You know Doras right? Her girl is throwing a party for her birthday." I nodded as we walked to our cars. "I just don't feel like being sociable right now." "You haven't been feeling like being sociable since Jess." "Fuck you Tasha." She threw up her hands. "Okay, you can! Anything to get you out of this funk." I wanted to be mad at her but I couldn't. I shoved her shoulder and continued to my car. "Come on girl. Drink a little, hang with friends, dance a little, everyone misses you and wants to be there for you." My car beeped and I turned to Tasha's pleading eyes. "Fine! Which club is it at?" "It's at her house." A house party was another beast all together. Without the mask of the obnoxiously loud music in most clubs there was no way to avoid idle conversation. Then something else occurred to me that had me feeling anxious. "What if she's there? I'm not ready to see her Tash-" "She hasn't been out since you broke up. She's even worse than you are Shell." I must not have looked convinced because she walked up and hugged me. "She won't be there. What are the odds of her knowing Doras anyway?" Apparently the odds were pretty high. You were friends with a guy at work who was cousins with Doras' girlfriend. I know, small world. Tasha ran over to me as soon as I stepped foot in the house with an apology on her lips. "I'm soooo sorry Shell, I didn't know! If I did you know that I would have told you!" I shrugged out of my coat and opened my mouth to ask her what the hell she was babbling about when your smooth alto washed over me. "Hello Shelly." I closed my eyes and tried to fight the peace that settled over my senses. How can a woman who broke my heart still make me feel this way? When I opened my eyes again Tasha was still standing in the front of me with her mouth glued shut looking from you to me. I mouthed "later" and she ran away with guilt on her face and my coat in her arms. It took me an hour to find it when I was ready to leave that night. You looked the same if a little slimmer. I didn't know if I liked the slimness on your solid frame. I had to remind myself that I was in no position to tell you what I liked or disliked anymore. "Hello Jessica." I saw the sadness intensify in your eyes. I always called you Jess. From the first day I met you I called you Jess. You ran your hand through your brown hair, the boyish cut almost always forcing locks to fall over your eyes rakishly. "How are you?" You're eyes are searching and I'm folding up the little box around my heart. "I'm fine." You nod your head and I nod mine. The dress shirt that you wore hugged your torso in all the right places. I told you countless times how much I loved your body. Your job as a contractor kept it in tip top shape. It still made my knees week to see the tight jeans you wore hug your thighs deliciously. Many a night I'd hold those thighs, feel them tremble around me. You were as sexy as I remembered. "I miss you Shell..." There was rawness to the admission that made me look away. You stepped closer and someone banged on the door then threw it open. Doras peeped her head through the doorway into the hall and I watched her dark curls bounce their way over to greet all of us and usher us into the living room. The wave of new arrivals pushed us into the kitchen and you and I stood in the midst of their chattering and eating in silence, watching each other. You stepped closer and I stepped back. You move again and there's no where to go besides inside the fridge so I stood my ground. "Can I talk to you?" "I don't think that's a good idea." You bite your lip and the soft, full flesh bounces back to taunt me. I lick my lips as the memory of me sucking on you flash before my eyes. "Jess..." I clear my voice to hide the need there but it's too late. Like a hound you zero in on me. I watch your intelligent eyes catalogue every piece of evidence of my arousal. Increased pulse at neck? Check. Darkened eyes? Check. Flared nostrils? Check. Heavy breathing? Check. Licking lips hungrily? Check. Tapping finger against thigh impatiently? Check. I wanted you. "Let's go somewhere quiet to talk Shell." You reach for my hand and tug. Your touch is just as gentle as I remembered. The long fingers wrapped around my smaller hand perfectly, possessively. I loved walking hand-in-hand with you. I'd run my thumb in small circles over the top of your hand. It always made you smile and gave me immense pleasure when I ran the tip of a finger over the veins and traced the scars scattered across your skin. Tasha looked up from a conversation and lowered her drink when she saw you pulling me down the hall. I shake my head praying that she doesn't make a scene. Some of the girls see us leave and stop talking. I look away and pull you into the first door I see. It's a guest room of sorts, filled with movies and books. You move closer to me but I step to the side and flick on the light. "What do you want Jessica?" "To talk to you." You take another step and I cross my arms. "Has Sarah told you that I called for you?" I nod my head. "Can we talk?" "We're talking now." Your hands squeezed into your jeans and you shake your head. "I know but you're not listening to me..." "Oh, so you read minds now?" I know that the attitude is getting to you. You never liked it when I threw attitude at you. You were always the diplomatic one between the two of us, whereas I never tired of letting out my inner bitch. I planned on letting it lose that night too. "Can you just-" "Just what Jessica? Listen to you? Forgive you?" Your green eyes turn stormy. Despite my anger it turns me on. The way your jaw tightens and your lips thin. "I'm not seeing her Shell. We both had to make a trip to the market and-" "So, what you're saying is that she doesn't want you then?" You step closer but I step to the side. "I don't care Jessica. You're free to fuck whoever you want to now." "Shell just-" "You can call up Brie or Brittney or whatever the fuck her name was and-" "Shell!" "And fuck her fucking brains out for all-" "Just listen to me!" Your eyes are wide and frantic now. "I don't want to fuck her! I made a mistake, once, and I swear to you it will never happen again." You grabbed my arms and yanked me forward. "Let go of me." You tighten your hold on me. "She was parading herself in front of me all month Shell. I wanted to tell you but I knew you wouldn't have faith in me, you'd tell your friends and they'd just tell you I was cheating." "Which you were, so don't you dare blame them." "I'm not!" When you let go of me I sagged against the door. You ran your hand through your hair and I watched your eyes tear. "Jesus Shell, I'm an ass. A fool. I would do anything, ANYTHING to get you back." "I can't." My voice breaks. You cradle my cheek and brush the tears away. "She never touched me. I never let her-" I shove you away. "Don't tell me this." "I never let her fuck me, never and when," I turned away scrambling for the door handle but you just stepped closer and pushed me into the cool wood, your breath in my ear. "And after I touched her I wanted to kill myself because I knew that I probably lost you." I shoved my elbow into your stomach but you only grunt and wrapped your arms around my waist. "I'm a fool. I would do anything, anything, just tell me Shell." You ran your hands over my stomach and down my thighs. Your hand covered my sex completely. "Anything Shell, just tell me..." I gasp and wipe at a stray tear as your fingers begin to move over the material covering me. "God Jess, just, just..." "Tell me what to do and I'll do it." In the years that I've known you I've never heard the desperation in your voice. I even felt it in your touch. The way your hips grinded into my ass was like an echo to your words. You pushed my hair aside and began attacking my neck. I grab your hair, determined to push you away but ended up yanking you closer. The air comes in pants through your nose as I try not to melt when your fingers finally get past the buckle of my jeans. You're single-minded. I feel your fingers pressing into the silk of my panties. I hear you groan and nearly came from the sound alone. "Fuck me Jess..." You push my panties aside and run your digits through my folds. I jerk into the door, the flat of my hands pressing into it. I rode your fingers and cleared my mind of everything but how you felt moving over me. I focused on how much I missed your touch, how much I needed it. I don't know when I started crying again but you did. You turned me around and kissed all over my face. I wrap my arms around your shoulders like I always did when we made love. You yanked off my jeans and lifted me. My legs wrapped around you and a moment later I was being laid on a bed and your fingers were moving inside of me. Slow deep strokes as your lips pressed into my throat only to wander down to my breasts. You begin to suck, matching the thrusting between my thighs. Every part of me that was dormant since that morning months ago began to vibrate until I was jerking into you. My back arched as a wave of heat flashed through me. Your lips are on mine now, searching and probing until I let your tongue play with mine. I can still feel your fingers inside of me, my walls like a vise around them but you find a way to move. Before I know it I'm wrapping my leg around your thigh and grunting into your mouth. Like I remembered. Everything, every single part of you, and just like before I could get lost in you to the point that I forget where I was. The loud knock on the door and the three pairs of eyes that looked on in shock reminded us both. "Michelle!" Tasha yelled and glared at you. Doras grabbed Tasha's arm and yanked her back begging apology before the door was slammed shut. You looked from the door to me. "Oh crap. What did I do?" You were still sprawled over me and didn't seem to be in any hurry to leave. "You just had really good sex." "Jess..." "You can't deny it Shell." I pushed at your shoulders until you rolled away and simply sat watching me get dressed. "I'm so sorry Shell, I'm-" My look silences you. I was tired of you apologizing to me. I knew that you were sorry. I didn't know if I had it in me to forgive you but I DID know that you were sorry and that you meant it. "This doesn't change anything." "Nothing's changed since you left." I close my eyes but opened them when I hear you move. My hands are out and stopping your approach. I know that if you touch me again I wouldn't let you stop. We already exposed too much of our selves to Doras' guestroom. Not to mention her guests. "Everything's changed." "I meant in the house." You rub your face. "I'd do anything Shell, just tell me." The compassion peeks out of my heart and I walk up to you framing your face. "Anything?" You nod. "Then give me more time." Your shoulders slump but you agree. "Can I call you this week?" "I'll call you Jess." You slowly nod your head. "Do you promise?" I saw your grimace as soon as the word left your mouth. You were never one to show weakness. Before you can think about how revealing the question was, I told you, "I promise." From the tears that pooled in your eyes and the breath you release you knew that I meant it. I found Tasha in the kitchen talking quietly to Doras. Doras smiled kindly at me and rubbed my arm before leaving the kitchen. Lena, the other woman who barged in on us looked from Tasha to me and excused herself but touched my hand before she left. "I think you're making a mistake." I shrugged. "Maybe I am." Her mouth opens then closes. "I love her Tasha. I don't love what she did but I know that I love her." Her shoulders are tense but I continue. "I'm going to see if we can...fix this." "Shell-" "I have to try." Her mouth was a thin line. "I swear to God that if she hurts you again I will personally kill her." When we hugged she finally relaxed. Her body tensing again told me that someone stepped inside the kitchen. I turned around and saw you with your hands in your pockets. "I just wanted to tell you that I'm leaving." You and Tasha warily studied each other until you nodded at her. "Tasha." "Jessica." You nod again then turn your attention back to me. Everything about you softened and if anything, you looked shy. I hadn't seen that expression since the first few weeks of us dating. "So I'll hear from you this week?" I nodded my head and looked at my shoes. You say goodbye and then you're gone. "I hope you know what you're doing." I studied the place where you stood. "Me too." Think it would sound better if turned it into cloud