It had been a reckless and a selfish one. I still didn't realize just how selfish it had been not until I started telling this, for want of a better phrase, tale. I could have wound up in a dozen different states, none of them positive. But I was now on a HOV on my way home, still a female but going home.
I was broke too. I remembered once I had gotten on the HOV that I had handed that wormy little horn dog the last of money, my cash chip. After I sat down and the shaking subsided some I remembered to check but I knew that I had left it there. No amount of wondering or scheming would ever get it back. It was probably the best payday he had ever had and I suspected it was the true reason why he hadn't chased me out in to the street.
The loss of three thousand dollars can have a profound effect on most. But it was especially crushing for me. It had distanced me from everything of reason, identification, a departure from Gary's home, escape from 'The Plan', and a chance at escaping this fate. It was going to take some seriously earth-shattering events to bring me around. And that's exactly what happened in the next three months.
I got off the HOV as close to home as this carrier came to my block. I walked home considering my options, both of them.
I could throw this stupid box away, or I could keep it.
I decided to keep it. Boy I felt better already.
I made my way home. Time seemed to have gotten away from me. The sun was going down behind me and it was getting colder. My skirt was trying to blow up around my head and my feet hurt.
What the hell had I been thinking dressing this way? If not for the cold then for the strangers, had I been asking for what I got? Every once in a while I would look up from my deliberations to see where I was or what street I was passing. Once as I did this I saw a picture of the band, my band, Tidewater, on a post outside a music store near the apartment. I stopped to read it.
In Memory
The band known as Tidewater would like to invite all who wish to attend to
a memorial service for our friend Michael Vello, the beloved lead singer
of our band who entertained this community for the last two years with
his extraordinary talents. Friends, Mike's family and we would wish very
much that you join us as we say goodbye to our friend and mentor. It is
with heavy hearts that concede the loss of our friend. It is this reason
that we wish your presence to help celebrate his life and influence on
us
The service will be October, 3rd 2082 at 7:00 pm at Christ Episcopal Church three blocks from the College Knights Club where Mike learned to give us what made us all happy. |
I was being eulogized. They were burying me. I was dead.
I snatched the bill off the post and rushed home,
panicked. If I let them put me in a box, even if ceremonially, then Mike
would never be able to come back. How could I ever explain where I'd been?
I didn't stop to think that I had already been gone six plus months. That
alone would be quite a feat to explain had I simply returned. A quote from
Sam Clemens hit struck me, "Rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated."
I had to stop it. I couldn't allow... It was at
that point I realized that Gary had to have known about this and he had
said nothing.
I ran as fast as I could in the pumps I was wearing.
I want to know who's idea it was for women to wear elevated heals? Don't
you guys know just how hard it is for us to run in these damn things when
we have to? High heels and hose... you think they look so good you wear them.
I charged the apartment building, flew past the doorman and up the stairs. "Evening Miss..." I heard him call after me. I hit the door but it was locked. He was not home yet. I wanted to know why he hadn't told me..."
"Where have you been?" I heard from behind me. I turned on him with a fury that I would regret.
"How long!" I demanded.
"Huh?" he said back peddling away from me as I advanced.
"I said how long?" I tossed the page in to his face.
He looked at the paper and muttered, "Shit!" I waited for an answer.
"Can we go inside?" he asked.
"That's not too much to ask I suppose." And I stepped aside to let him pass.
Inside he took off his coat and hung it up. He poured himself a glass of wine and started to explain.
"How long you asked, about three weeks." He sipped his wine and waited.
"And?"
"And what? What are you asking me?"
I realized I didn't know. "Did you intend on telling me?"
"No." he said flatly. "To what end? Would you go? Would you really go and upset yourself like that?" You're folks will be there. Can you deal with that without going insane? Do you think I want that for you?"
"Ah..." was all I could come up with.
"I know you don't want to be here. I'm going to keep doing the best I can to make things right. I promised to do that and I want to do that. But that means that I'll make a few decisions on my own. I can't stop you if you want to go to this thing. But I don't think it will be healthy. And weather you want to believe it or not, I had your best interest at heart."
I slunk down into a chair. That was it then. I could do nothing and neither could or would Gary.
"You had to have known this was going to happen." He said.
"I did and it's the main reason I wanted to leave town in the first place. Do you remember that conversation?" I said glumly.
He knelt before me. "I wish I could make this better or easier for you. I know you're unhappy. I'm sorry about that I can't seem to do better." I reached out and touched the top of he head and stroked his hair. How I wanted him to hold me, but I had let things get to a point where I dared not yield to my feelings. This is best I kept telling myself. Yeah? Then why does it feel so damn wrong?
"If you want to attend this service then I'll go with you. I'll do what ever I can do to make it easier for you. But I still think it's a bad idea."
I said nothing. I got up and went to my bedroom leaving Gary where he was at the foot of the chair I had sulked in.
I won't go in to the details of my thoughts. I will say that they were self-pitying and pathetic. I grieved as if I had been Mike's friend instead of realizing that I had been Mike.
After hours of soul searching I made a decision. I went to Gary's bedroom door and stood there afraid to speak until he noticed I was standing there. He had been lying in bed reading, partially nude. When at last he noticed me he seemed embarrassed quickly covering up. I was a bit surprised by it but in retrospect, I suppose I would have done the same thing.
"I've decided I want to go." He only nodded. God bless him, he didn't argue. He had given me his opinion earlier and he knew I needed no more elaboration. I understood his concerns and he knew it. I was struck by the awesome respect he had for my desires.
"I'll drive you." He said.
"You don't have to go." I assured him.
"Yes I do. It would look funny if the girl I live with showed up a my best friends funeral and I didn't."
"Right." I agreed. "Goodnight Gary."
"Goodnight." He said and rolled over and resumed reading.
I
slept late that morning. I couldn' bring myself to face the day. I had
been reborn on March forth and I was being laid to rest on Oct 3
I slept late that morning. I couldn't bring myself to
face the day. I had been reborn on March forth and I was being laid to rest on
Oct 3rd of that same year. I remained in bed until nearly 4:00 pm.
I slept late that morning. I couldn't bring myself to face the day. I had been
reborn on March forth and I was being laid to rest on Oct 3rd of that
same year. I remained in bed until nearly 4:00 pm.
I
showered and dressed in a black outfit, skirt and blouse. Gary was clanking
around in the kitchen so I knew he was waiting for me to make an appearance.
I
came out at about 5:30.
"You
look very nice Michelle."
"Thanks.
So do you." And he did. "I don't think I've ever seen you in a suit before."
"Thank
you. Want a drink? I think we have a little time." He looked at his watch
to confirm it.
"Yeah,
Something strong please."
He
poured straight vodka in a small glass and handed it to me.
"Gary,
can I ask you something?" I downed the vodka before he could answer.
"Anything."
"Do
you hate me?"
"What
kind of question is that?" he said, but there was no emotion in it.
"What
kind of answer is that?"
"Ok
then. No I don't hate you." He answered.
I
shoved my glass back at him and he refilled it.
"I
told you it couldn't be the same."
"I
know."
"I'm
sorry." I felt awful. We were both living anightmare. It made matters
worse for me that Gary had chosen to live it with me.
"Shush....
It's ok. No more on that now, OK?"
"I
owe you a lot."
"No
more." He said again.
"Ok."
I agreed, nodding in agreement, but my heart ached so. There were things
I wanted to say. I wanted to explain that if I gave in then I really would
be dead. If I resolved myself to living the life of this girl, then I could
never come back and I wanted to come back still. I wanted to make him understand
that. I wanted it to be ok with him.
"I
guess we should go." Was all I could come up with to say.
He
came around from behind the kitchen bar and put his hand into the small
of my back. For a moment I could almost think that we were going out to
enjoy the evening together. I slowed my step at his touch wanting it to
linger there. But the moment was short lived. He withdrew his hand and
opened the door and allowed me to pass into the hall.
The
church was packed. I couldn't believe that this many people had come because
of me. There had to have been over 5,000 people. They couldn't get into
the church. It took us nearly forty minutes to find a place to park. The
spot we found was three blocks from the church itself and it was a cold
walk. The wind was fierce and at times I felt like it would simply carry
us away.
When
we got closer, there were groups of people milling around here and there
talking about the band, talking about me. It was surreal to hear these
people talk about me as if I wasn't there any longer. But how could they
have known? The groups of people got larger within their groups and the
number of their groups grew thicker until as we approached the church we
couldn't seem to get any closer for all the people.
Gary
had taken my arm in his as we were walking close together now more for
warmth than for any reason if intimacy. It made it easy to talk to him
without others overhearing what I said though and I was grateful for that.
"This
is not all for me is it?"
What
do you think?" he whispered back.
"Gary,
look at all these people." I declared in stunned bewilderment.
He
looked at me and I must have been smiling at the thought because he said,
"You need to at least act upset here. This guy was an icon. Not to mention
a friend of mine."
I
looked at him in confusion but he never looked back at me. An icon?
Me?
I
had three or four good, really good friends when I had been Mike. I knew
two other as acquaintances and of course there were the members of my band.
If I had been this loved it was news to me.
"Gary."
I heard the voice before I could react. Sill I tried to pull away and run.
Gary held my arm firm holding me where I was. Soon I stopped struggling
and turned to face my mother.
"Hi
Rose." He was saying, "I'm so sorry."He
was suddenly in her arms hugging her. A place I had wanted to be for years.
How is it that Gary slipped in there so easily.
"Robert
and I have missed you. How have you been?" She was different somehow. She
seemed ... I don't know... humble.
"I've
been good. Working with my Dad now." He said. Behind my Mother my father
was approaching. He looked pale and haggard very unhealthy. He joined the
group and smiled a wane smile.
"Gary."
he said, extending his hand.
Gary
took it and shook it firmly. "Robert." He returned the greeting.
Thanks
for coming. Who's the young lady?" My Dad asked.
"I'm
sorry, this is Michelle."
"A
new love interest?" My Dad asked. I extended my hand and took my fathers
and shook it gently once and let go as he said, "Pleased to meet you."
I
searched for something to say ..."I... I'm sorry about all this." It was a
confession. As much of one as I could bring myself to spit out at the time
anyway. My Dad took it as a condolence for his lost son and for the moment
from a girl that hadn't known his boy but was being polite.
"She's
so pretty Gary." It was my Mom. "You two serious?" It was polite talk.
Talk designed to avoid the main subject. I was glad for it. I wanted out
of there. Gary had been right; this also had been a mistake.
"Rose,
I want to ..." Gary had suddenly stated. But then began to break up. His
face fell apart and he collapsed into my Mothers arms.
"I'm
sorry Rose. God forgive, I'm sorry." My Mom broke down and then my Dad.
And the three of them were hugging and crying It happened before I could
react. There I was feeling very much the outsider, just as one might when
attending such a function having never met the principals involved. I was
empty. They had loved me after all. Somehow I had missed it. I had tuned
my back on that love and I had missed it.
The
members of the band were milling around on the steps of the church and
my impulse was to hide so they wouldn't recognize me. Reality set in and
soon I was able to get over the idea that someone would see who I really
was.
"You
come into the church and sit with us Gary. You and your girlfriend." She
smiled at me. "You won't get in otherwise. You are as much a member of
our family as Erin and Mike are... were... Oh Gary" she shrieked and was crying
again.
I
couldn't stand it any longer. This was not Gary's fault. It was not some
'Plan'. I had fucked up and now I had cost my parents their last child.
If I didn't get out of there soon I was going to go insane.
I
waited until the emotional moment had passed and pulled Gary aside. "I
can't do this Gary. You were right. I'm sorry, I know it's wrong, but I
have to leave. Please take me out of here." I clutched at the lapels of
is coat. "Don't make me do this, please."
"Ok."
He said. "I'll get us out of this. Don't worry."
"Thank
you. Oh thank you Gary."
"Wait
here. Ok?"
"Yeah,
OK. Thank you."
Gary
when over to my folks, chatted briefly and then excused himself. He came
back to me and put his arm around my waist. "Let's go."
"What
did you say?"
"Told
them that I just couldn't do this. That I couldn't say goodbye."
I
allowed myself to be held, I relished it. "I'm sorry, Gary. I didn't mean
to put you through that. I didn't expect all this. I don't know what I
expected. But my parents... I didn't think they cared. I have wrong about
so much. Nothing is what I've thought it is."
"ssshhhhh,
it's OK."
"No
Gary! It's not OK. My folks cared about me and I never knew it. Is that
my fault? I think it is." We were still passing the people that were still
hoping to get in to the church. "Look at all these people. I never knew."
I shook my head.
"You're
kidding right? You didn't know how much these people loved you?"
"No
Gary, I didn't. This is a mystery to me."
I
was walking fast trying to get away from all of this. And we had gotten
further than I could have hoped. In a few more steps we were in the parking
lot where the HOV was parked.
"Home,
please. I just want to go home." He took me there. By the time we arrived
I was badly depressed.
I
was up for a long time after we got back. Gary tried to console me but
I suppose he understood to some small degree. After some time he gave up
leaving the door open for me to seek him out if I wanted to. The temptation
was there. I wanted to go back to the way things had been. I was still
in love with Gary. But that was part of this body, not me, not Mike. I
didn't want to get caught up in the idea that Mike was truly gone, even
if they had buried him today. Giving in to my feelings about Gary would
mean just that.
In
the morning my attitude began to make a dramatic turn around.
When
I woke Gary was gone. He had left for work. He had left a note for me but
I didn' see it until later in the day, after it was too late.
What
I did see was a newspaper on the dining room table. The headline froze
me.
Night Club
Disaster Averted!
On a night where as many as six hundred college and local kids would have
otherwise packed the small tavern to hear and dance to the music of this
rising star, they were instead in a service for the remembrance of is life
and talent. Two minutes and twelve seconds into the service the roof of
the tavern collapsed. Fire and rescue workers say that because heavy air
conditioners and heaters on the roof it's doubtful that anyone inside would
have survived if the been had been open for business and band Tidewater
still intact. As it is the tables and chairs were the only casualties last night. But one
question remains. Was Mike Vello's vanishing such a coincidence after all.
Had it happened one day before or one day after, the place may have had
one hundred or more people drinking and dancing there instead of in church
at his memorial Had he not disappeared at all as many as five hundred could
have died including all the members of the band. It's my contention that this community owes Mr. Vello not only a fond farewell
and thanks for the music he left us with but a debt of gratitude for the
lives that were spared because of the tribute to that talent and music.
Is that true? Is that what Erin was taking about when she said He would not
survive?
I
knew the answer. It was yes. This was not some sinister cosmic conspiracy.
It was simply meant to spare life. The fact that I hadn't seen it or understood
mattered little in the scheme of things. But I didn't make any conscious
choices here. I didn't decide to stay like this I was not given any way
back. So why play on my emotions this way and try to make me feel I had
options here. The option I knew about was with some dusty old man that
wanted sex from me in return for a chance to get back to being Mike.
I
sat stunned and shocked. How many would have been killed, me, the band,
hundreds of others only there to listen or dance? Instead we were all still
alive. Was it worth it? My part in this was over. I was left cold. I was
finished but I was still stuck with the vehicle that had been used to save
all those lives.
I
grappled with that idea. I was glad that all those people had survived.
It's an uneasy idea that one would have to live with, the knowledge that,
because of you many may have died. To get a chance to reverse that judgment
is more valuable than the life of one man or woman. But the idea that could
there have been a better way wouldn't leave me. What's to be gained this
way, by leaving me in this shell for the rest of my life? Didn't I do what
had to be done? Why not let me go now?
I
didn't get to struggle with the idea for too long. Gary had started working
on the idleness that seemed to be adding to my general malaise. He had
confronted his parents on hiring me on at one of the Red Fish restaurants.
This
presented a huge problem, as the Red Fish was a legal business, required
under law to account for all its personnel and revenue. All businesses
have illegal's working for them. The vast majority of them come from other
countries; many of these come from the United Mexican Republic, although
many break through the so-called "Artic Wall" from the Soviet Canadian
District to our north. Almost all of these refugees are living legally
here. So obtaining proof of registration, even getting inserted in the
database was possible, difficult on a good day but doable.
Gary
had told me about all of this and I had given my permission to explore
the possibilities but only for the reason of giving me some more ideas.
I was not ready for the knock at the door or the visitor that brought it.
I really wasn't expecting anyone at that time of the day. When I answered
the door it was Karen. I guess the surprise showed on my face.
"Mrs. Shipley! Hello, won't you please come in?" I asked.
"Hello Dear" she started. "I'm sorry for dropping by unannounced but
I wanted bring you the news myself. You've been hired at the restaurant
as hostess. We couldn't be happier to have you on with the rest of the
family. Congratulations!" She smiled and opened her arms to hug me.
Hire? What the hell was this about?
I didn't know what to say. I knew Karen could be pushy. In fact I suspected
that this apartment and the job, although a good thing for Gary, had been
mostly proposed by Karen's over zealous attempts to rescue her son and
take advantage of a bad situation to do it. Not that I blame her. Had it
been my kids I suppose I might have done the same. So I did what I could
do and improvise with. I bluffed.
"Mrs. Shipley, I don't want to seem ungrateful but ... well as you already
know, I'm not exactly legal." I blushed. I could feel the blood suffuse
in my face. It was truly embarrassing to have to say. At least I didn't
have to act.
"You are now dear!" she declared and smiled. She pulled a small chip
card and a card reader out of the top pocket of her coat like a magician
doing a particularly lousy magic trick and handed it to me. I took it tentatively.
I really didn't want it. It meant that I was in the government database
now. I was traceable. I could no longer just drop out of sight. I shook
as I slid the card in to the card reader. I wanted to cry. The train just
kept a movin'. It was going so fast now it didn't look like I would ever
be able to jump off.
My photo popped up in the display. Name; Michelle Donavan, Weight 134 lbs; height 5' 2"; Hair
Auburn; DOB March 4th 2062.
March 4t! shit my real date of birth. Michelle's date
of appearance. A
tear slipped from my eye. I was sad because I was really stuck here now.
If I vanished, these nice people would have to answer for it.
"Honey? Are you Ok?" her hand was on my shoulder.
"Hum?" I was embarrassed to so emotion to her. I wiped my eyes, "Me?
Sure... just choked up that's all. Thank you, but you shouldn't have gone
to the risk and expense. You'll let me pay you back for this."
"Gary told us about how your Mother died when you were eight. It's a
hard world out there for a young girl with no home."
"Ah...yeah! Look I don't want to talk about that if it's ok?"
"You mustn't feel you can't talk to me about anything. I want to be
your friend Michelle. You'll make a wonder hostess. So pretty people won't
come for the food any more, Gary will be quite jealous." She smile a sly
smile like that should mean something to me.
"I don't know what to say..." I choked.
"Say thank you dear." She looked so confused.
I didn't know what to say. So I said nothing. We sat in an uncomfortable
silence for a second then she said.
"It's a lot all at once. I understand that you'll want to think about
it. But the job is yours if you want it. Frank and I are grateful to you.
This is just our way of tell you so. Gary was headed for trouble. We know
that. You turned him around. Frank still doesn't know how you did it, but
we do don't we?"
I started to respond. "I'm not sure how much I had to do with Gary's
turn around." But She interrupted me.
"And that brings me to my point! You couldn't know if Gary had been
in need of a turn around. You haven't known him long enough. Gary's bout
with responsibility came coincidentally right after he met you." She stopped
there to assess my reaction.
I'm not sure what my external reaction was but my internal reaction
was that I wanted to faint. She knew something! That one thing was certain.
How much she knew still needed to be determined. But she was no dummy.
"Gary has mentioned some of his past to me. I just made some assumptions."
I said to her
"If that's the case, then you and Gary have a truly special relationship.
Because these are things I'm not sure Gary has even admitted to himself."
I was a bit annoyed by the remark. I apparently knew Gary better than
his own Mother, so it wasn't a real surprise why he had been headed in
the direction he had been. My face must have clouded over a bit in anger
because she continued.
"Please don't get me wrong. I love my son very much. And I have come
to like you very much. If I hadn't you would never have gotten the job
let alone our confidence. We did this willingly. Because we believe you
were a good risk, we trust you."
Then she added, "But you're not telling us the whole story are you."
She paused and rubbed her hands on her pant legs and continued. "Well...
of course you're not. We both know that. And I would never confront Gary
on this because I believe it would drive him away again and I don't want
that or to hurt him or you."
She waited again. This time I don't think she wanted me to say anything
at all but I could no longer sit there and say nothing.
"If you think I'm hiding something from you then why don't we start
there and I'll try to clear things up for you. Put your mind at ease."
I had no idea how I would answer her questions but I was on the defensive
now. There was no turning back.
"Ok, Let's talk about what you know about the disappearance of his best
friend, Mike Vello." She stopped again. And again I'm sure it was to gage
my reaction.
"Ok!" I said. "It seemed to be very hard on him. " I lied. I was doing
this a lot these days.
"You know, I didn't get that feeling!" she countered.
Gulp!
She just kept blundering along, "Gary loved Mike like a brother. We
didn't see much of him at the house though. I think it was because they
loved just trying to get into trouble together. You know how boys are,
don' you?" She looked at me but didn't smile. "Mike was usually very busy
with his little rock and roll band. But Mike was a good boy. And I was
glad for his influence in Gary's life." This time she did smile as she
reminisced about me.
"But that awful weekend when he disappeared... All the interviews with
the police and the weeks of not knowing and still no one knows what happened
to him. Well, it all very sad. I feel worst for his parents. Did you know
that they also lost a daughter a few years ago?"
Oh God, please don't let me start crying now. Why is she doing this?
"Yes, Gary mentioned that." I wanted to keep my statement as brief as
I could. She had tripped me up once already. I didn't want that happening
again.
"Of course. Well, you know what bothers me most about all of that?"
"No I don't!" I responded.
"Not once did Gary get upset about the loss. Not in front of us, his
Dad or I. It was almost as if he knew right where Mike was. That he was
all right and might even be coming back one day. The police even had questions
about that. I didn't see Gary shed the first tear about losing his best
friend."
"But then you and he had met that same weekend
and I'm sure that helped with the rough spots. And I didn't see Gary every
night either; I guess he had his bad moments here, at home with you. But
I thought he would have shared some of that with us, you know? So maybe
I'm making more of all this than I should. I do hope they find that awful
man that was seen in Mike's dorm room."
"Karen, is there a point to all this? Is there something you need to
know?"
She considered my question for a minute. Then turned and headed for
the door.
"I went to the liberty of purchasing a dress for you to wear when you
report to work next week, in case you take the job that is. I'll bring
it over later and you can try it on. See if it fits, you know." She said
without turning around.
"Thank you, Karen. I'm sure it will be just fine." I said. I felt funny.
She expected me to say something, come clean. But I couldn't I just couldn't!
Then she said, "I spoke to your Dad, Mike. He's ill, you should tell
him what's happened to you. Talk to him. Before it's too late."
"I know that!" I was upset now and was starting to raise my voice. "But
what the hell would you have me say Karen? Hi Dad! It's me. Oh, I guess
I've changed a litt..." I froze.
I remember the empty hollow feeling I got, like everything inside me
ran out the tips of my toes. "Oh Shit!" I said and glared at her and ran
off to my bedroom and slammed the door behind me.
After some time there was a small knock on the door. I didn't answer.
"Mike?"
"Go away!" I said.
"I can't do that now. Let me in please."
"No!"
"We will have to talk eventually dear, we might as well do that now,
don't you think?"
"We don't ever have to talk about this. And we won't get the chance
if I leave! Which is what I should have done to start with. Now go away!"
Silence
Good. I got up and opened my closet door. I got a small bag from the
top shelf and started stuffing it with underwear and clothing.
"Mike?"
"Arrrgggh! Are you still here Karen? I thought I told you to
go?"
"What are you doing in there?" she sounded concerned suddenly, not quite
so cocky. That gave a measure of satisfaction.
"Not that you need to worry about it, but I'm packing. I told you I
don't have to talk about anything."
"Now don't be silly. No one's asking you to leave." She said sounding
concerned.
"You want to protect your son. I understand that. But things are getting
more and more out of hand. If I have to play this hand I've been dealt
then I'm going to have to do it some place where this kind of thing isn't
going to happen."
I slammed the last of my clothing in my bag and zipped it closed. I
stood at the dresser, my hands planted on the top of my canvas bag, my
head lowered. My hair hung down hiding my head.
I couldn't believe it. I had lost another life. Even before it got a
chance to get going. I just knew that this shit was never going to end.
A single tear splashed off one knuckle of my hand. I was going to miss
Gary, even if it hadn't worked out between us. It made me feel bad for
him and I felt sick for myself. All I could do was hope this wouldn't drive
him back in to a life of indifference.
I opened the door and Karen was still there, looking as though at any
minute she might start ringing her hands. I shoved past her with a quick,
"Excuse me, please!"
"Wait, Mike. Please Wait!"
"Please don't call me Mike anymore. I can't go by that name anymore."
I pulled my shit out over my tits in an exaggerated fashion, allowed the
shirt to snap back in to place and gave her the best curtsy I could manage.
"Now if you'll please excuse me, I have to go."
She raced around me and blocked the door with her body trying to prevent
my leaving.
"What are you doing Karen?"
"I can't let you leave like this Mik... whoever you are? What the hell
would I tell Gary?"
"You're so big on absolute truth, try that! Tell him how you just couldn't
run the risk that the person you claim is responsible for his miraculous
turn around might be here only to take advantage him."
"That's not what this is ab..." Karen started and I cut her off.
"Try that for starters and see how well it works for him. Tell him that
you didn't have enough faith in his judgment so you thought you'd do a
little cleaning up behind his back." I glared at her. She suddenly couldn'
look me in the eyes.
"You know something Karen, for a person that doesn't want to hurt your
son, you have a funny way of following through on it. If you knew it was
me, how the hell did you come up with the idea that I would ever hurt him?"
She said nothing. She just blocked the door.
"It's over now, Karen. Get out of the way."
She didn't move.
"RIGHT NOW!" I shouted.
"Please don't! I'm sorry, but please don't leave. He loves you. He'd
never forgive me if he thought I had something to do with this. I just
had to know. I had to know if it was you and why?" She pleaded in small
voice.
I was crying again. "Sometimes Karen, it pays to think about these things
before you act on your impulses. I'm leaving! So get the hell out of my
way."
"You're going to have to call the cops Mike! And if you do that then
it could get messy. I'm not sure you want that."
"Is that a threat? I've been through an awful lot in the last five months.
Your threats don't mean a whole hell of a lot to me right now. Not when
you consider the future I'm facing." I set my bag down with large sigh.
"I'll just leave after Gary gets here. He won't let you do anything that
might hurt me. You know that, don't you? So I have my secret weapons as
well. But I don't want to pit Gary against you Karen. So I guess we'll
talk. If I do that, will you let me go before Gary gets here?" I looked
at her, defeated.
I sat on the couch and waited for the questions, but none came. So I
started without prompting.
"I guess you're wondering how this happened." I said.
"No, I assume you're using one of those so called skins. Those are illegal
Mike, but I guess you know that don't you."
"Last March a guy that I stupidly
thought was a friend talked me into trying on one of these things with
a few other guys from school. It was supposed to have been a prank, an
adventure." I began, being careful to leave Gary out of the picture.
She sat and listened, nodding in all the right places and looking concerned
where I guess she felt she thought she should. Then I broke the ending
on her. For the time being I didn't bother to tell her the part about the
sex and how I got trapped. I figured that in the grand scheme of things
the details were irrelevant. Only the final outcome was what really mattered.
"So when the guys deactivated theirs' and mine didn't come off, well...
you know the rest."
She sat in shocked silence. "Are you going to say something?"
"You're stuck? You can't get that thing off? Ever? Oh Mike, how awful
this must be for you. Are you sure you can't get rid of that. There have
to be places that have the technology to help you. Frank and I have money,
we'll help."
"It more complicated than that Karen. It's not a thing. The device rearranged
my molecules. I'm not wearing the device as you might think. I've actually
become female. And it's damaged now. It can never be deactivated at least
I'm not convinced that it can be. I thought I'd found a guy that could
do it...but I think he lied to get something else from me. So this is what
I am now, like it or not. So I have to start to like it or I'll go crazy."
"So you and Gary aren't really..." she asked without finishing.
I didn't answer her. I didn't know the answer to that anymore. I had
been. I had wanted to be again, but we were both different then. Now it
was just me that was different.
"You said damaged, what happened? Maybe it can be fixed. Have you considered
that?"
"It can't, trust..."
"How do you know?"
"I just know Karen, I..."
"But..."
"I lost my virginity in this thing, OK. I shouldn't have been a virgin
but when the skin rearranged my genetic structure the system didn't know
that as a man I had had sex before. So it gave me a hymen. I tore it having
sex that weekend and... well, that as they say was that."
"You had sex, with one of those friends of yours?" She looked a bit
repulsed by it. "Now why would you have done that? You had to have known
about the risks. Just the risk of pregnancy would have..."
"Karen, I didn't grow up this way. I wasn't using my head. I got caught
up in a whirlwind of emotions and feelings I wasn't ready for and it... just
happened."
"Oh my God, It was the man in the news paper wasn't it? The man the
police are looking for is one of..." A blank look came over her face.
"That's Gary!" she whispered. "Jesus, It was Gary that talked you into
this thing. He did this. It's his fault!"
"How did we think we could get away with hiding this thing?" I said
shaking my head. "Don't blame him, I don't. I seduced him. I fell in love
with him! After I put this on mind you. I guess I still do. But..."
"But?"
"It's hard watching as everyone gets on with their life. My life was
finally going in the right direction. I was going to be successful; you've
heard the song on the radio. I was good, really good! And I lost it all
and Gary has his..." I lost it. I collapsed on her shoulder and cried.
"There, there, you poor girl. I'm so sorry." She patted the back of
my head as she spoke.
"He did everything for me. Kept
me safe, fed me clothed me. He even almost died to make sure I had a chance
to get out of this. He was the greatest comfort I could have possibly imagined.
He showed me qualities in himself that I wish I possessed. Before we all
tried to make the switch back to our old selves, I would have gladly have
stayed like this voluntarily just to be with him if he had stayed that
way with me too."
"But?"
"He left me here!" I cried, "Oh God, I know how unfair that sounds,
he was wanted by the police as that other person, but still he changed
back and I couldn't. I feel like I got left behind." So many tears in the
last five months and they weren't over yet. Most had been from confusion.
Some, the worst of them, from loss, the loss I was to feel from losing
my friend, my lover, my life. But this was unexpected.
"He's my son again and that makes you mad, doesn't it?"
I nodded and wept.
"It's Ok. Anyone would feel that way. Especially if they were the only
one that did get back to where they had been. I'm sure Gary knows this
too."
But I shook my head, `No'! I didn't get that impression.
"Yes, dear. I just think he doesn't know how to approach the issue.
You're mad at him. For something he can't control. So I believe he's waiting,
hoping for you to get over being mad and realize that he still feels the
same as he did when he was protecting you. I know this because he's still
protecting you. You just have to let him do what you say he's so good at.
Don't you see?"
"Well, that's just fine in practice. But if you don't remember, I was
just leaving." I suddenly said.
"You're not really going to go though with that are you?" she asked.
"If you feel as strongly about Gary as I thing you still do, then you have
to know that if you leave it would kill him. You don't want to hurt him
like that. I know you don't."
"But if you found out about me, how long will it be before others do?
I can't keep dodging this thing. I have to bury myself. I'm not going to
jail for grand theft skin. I'm not! I've been punished enough."
She seemed to consider things for a bit and then said. "Do you know
how I figured it out? It bothered me since our first conversation, do you
remember that one."
I did remember it. And I nodded that I indeed remembered talking to
her on the vid that first Saturday afternoon I had spent as Michelle.
"It took me some time but I remembered that it was Mike's apartment
I saw in the background behind you. That wasn't until sometime after you
had been declared missing. By then I didn't know what to do. So I finally
decided to come and talk to you. I really thought I'd discover you had
done this to yourself voluntarily. I fully expected to hear you tell me
you were gay. That you loved Gary and that's why you did this, stupid,
huh?"
I broke out into a gale of laughter through the tears.
Then she asked, "You're not gay now are you. I mean, you don't still
like women?"
"No Karen, the people that designed this person designed her to be a
heterosexual female.I can't like
women even if I want to. I'm attracted to men. I'm all woman!"
"How must that be for you." It wasn't a question. It was a reflection
based on what she knew from her own life. "I've had only this one body.
I've never thought of owning another. I've always been quite content to
be female. But you were raised as a boy only to live out your life as a
woman. How are you managing that?"
"You'd be surprised how quickly you get accustomed to it. Gary once
told me that we are the sum total of what our bodies tell us we
are. I found that he was more correct than I could possibly have imaged
without just this kind of experience. I don't recommend it. But he was
right. All I had to do was settle down and except it."
"Mom?" we heard Gary's voice behind us.
"Oh, hi honey! How are you?"
Karen said a bit surprised. Neither of us had heard Gary come in.
"What's up Mom?" There was an edge to Gary's voice. He was in protective
mode. I hadn't heard that sound in quite awhile.
Is that because you haven't been listening? I wonder.
"I was just telling Michelle that she got the job. Your Dad has decided
that we needed her pretty face to greet the customers and draw in new business.
She's going to work at your site."
I could hear that Gary was excited, I couldn't see his face, I had turned
around because I'd been crying and I didn't want him to see my eyes. "That's
great! Hey, that's just great! Did you hear that, Michelle, we're going
to be working together!"
"Yes," I said without looking at him. "I'm very excited." I tried to
sound up beat but my nose was clogged from crying and I sounded stopped
up.
"What's wrong here? Mom, what the hell is going on here?"
I turned around to face him. I put on the best smile I could and looked
straight at him. "Just some girl talk, that's all, really! I'm just happy
that I'm going to be a team player for a change that's all. Your Mom even
bought me a dress to wear. And look, I'm legal! "I showed him the ID card
and reader. "Isn't that wonderful baby?"
"Baby?" he said raising his eyebrows.
Karen reached out and squeezed my arm. I don't know what Gary thought.
But I know it was gratitude on Karen's part. With that, she got up and
made for the door. As she did, she bent down and picked up the bag I had
packed. I had for gotten all about it and Gary had not yet seen it.
"Thanks for the loan of the bag, Michelle. I promise to get this back
to you in a couple of days." She smiled.
"Oh ... ah... yeah, you bet, least I could do considering the job and
all. I promise you won't be sorry." I said and kissed her cheek.
She whispered to me, "I know that! You think about what I said about
yon man there, will you? And don't do anything rash. I'll get your clothes
back to you tomorrow, Ok?" Gary looked at his us with great curiosity but
never asked what had been said, even later. With that she slipped out of
the door and was gone.
Gary closed the door behind her and when he turned around I was standing
directly in front of him, my face dressed in a sly smile.
"Baby?" he asked again and my smile broadened. "You called me baby!
Are you feeling OK?"
The rush of emotions I felt was like a dam being broken open. I had
wanted him so badly now for so long and all I had had to do was just show
him. But I had done just the opposite. I had been a bitch.
"I think I finally feeling just right. And it's about damn time too,
don't you think?" I stood on my toes and kissed him lightly on the lips.
"Well, don't you?" I said and kissed him again. "You're not even going
to answer me are you?" and another small kiss.
"If I do, are you going to stop
kissing me?" he asked. He sounded genuinely confused.
"Do you want me to?" I asked and kissed him again. He shook is head
no. "Good, cause I had no intention of stopping. So are you going to answer
my question?" This time he nodded his head yes.
"Yes, It's about time I started feeling right or, yes, you're going
to answer my question?" Again he nodded and this time he kissed me. For
the first time since that wonderful afternoon in his parent's house I wanted
Gary to hold me. I took his arms and placed them, one at a time around
my waist and slipped my own around his and pressed my body close to his.
"You know," he said, "This is what got us in trouble in the first place."
"Coward!" I said
"What? Me, a coward?"
"You know what your problem is Shipley, you never take any risks." I
said and snuggled in closer to him. I could feel a stirring in his pants
against my belly. "Oooo, Mr. Shipley! What ever is that growing down there
in your pants sir?" I said and smiled up at him.
"What's up with you Michelle? Why the sudden change?" He asked me. "I'm
suddenly very confused. What did you and Mom talk about today."
"I thought I told you that already. Girl stuff."
"Girl stuff, Huh? My goodness, so much has changed in a single afternoon.
You've never just chatted girl stuff before. Not with the waitress's
at the restaurant, not with Mom, I've never seen it before." He said suspiciously.
"I don't think you know what girl stuff is!"
"Of course I do. I'm a girl aren't I!"
"Did you talk about me?" he asked
"You sir, are not a girl. Or hadn't you noticed that? Besides, I thought
you wanted things back the way they were." I said. I didn't want to reveal
too much about my conversation with his Mom.
"Well yeah, you know I do. I thought you didn't though. Things
had gotten so bad in fact that I thought that if the job at the restaurant
came through, I believed you would have turned it down and moved out."
"Look Gary, I'm sorry for the way things have been. I never stopped
caring about you. I want you to know that. I... I guess I stopped caring
about me. I felt abandoned. I don't expect you to understand that. I didn't
understand it myself until recently. I just felt that all of you had moved
on with your lives and I got stuck with the booby prize, no pun intended.
I felt alone Gary. Not because you made me feel that way, but because I
didn't let you in." I laid my head on his chest and listened as his heart
beat inside.
"I just realized that you are still trying to save me. You never gave
up trying and I finally saw it for what it is. I can see you love me I
want you to know that I still love you as much, no more than that afternoon
before all the shit began to unravel."
"Will you wait for me here? I have a surprise for you!" I didn't wait
for his answer. I rushed off to the bedroom. I quickly undressed and put
something a little less comfortable on. Added a bit of perfume, brushed
my hair and went back out in to the living room.
When I came back out he was opening a bottle of wine. "I think that
you should really move in to the master bed room Gary. It's much to big
for me."
He looked up to respond to a situation that he thought was a dead issue.
I thought his jaw was going to unhinge when he saw me. I couldn't help
but laugh.
"Wow!"
"Wow what?"
"Oh ... don't do that... you know how much I love that outfit." I did in
fact know. I was wearing the tight white shorts I had worn the night I
became Michelle forever and the red sweater. I had added a pair of tight
shiny hose and some black high heel shoes just for the effect.
"Gary, I do believe that you're about to burst Sur." I mustered in my
best southern accent and pointed at his pants. He blushed and I said. "It's
really more than a poor southun girl can take Sur. You know that we are
such delicate creatures. I feel I might faint!"
Right on queue, he raced to my side and braced me as I started to fall
backwards with the back of my hand pressed to my forehead in a mock fainting
gesture.
I looked up at him has he held me. "I once told you that the girl that
snags you is going to be the luckiest woman out there. Do you remember
that? Well, I'm taking you off the market. I can't have some woman other
girl out there having all the luck. I think I deserve it." I said and kissed
him again. And then added shyly. "If you'll still have me that is."
At that he bent and kissed me hard. "You wear this every night and we'll
talk about it." He swept me up in his arms and carried me back to his bedroom.
He called in sick that night and fortunately for him, his Mom took the
call instead of his Dad. I could vaguely hear her on the other end say.
"Yes dear, you looked a little pale when you came home today. I'll tell
your Dad, you... rest up!"
Gary had the next day off already and we spent two nights and one full
day alone in bed sharing wine, cheese, bread and each other. The pretending
was over.
I
worked at the restaurant for about three weeks when I saw the flyer for
the tryouts. Tidewater was going to try it without me. It hurt. As selfish
as it sounded I didn't want them to go on without me.
So
on a day when I should have started my period, I took a day off from work
and took advantage of the fact that my cramps had not started and decided
to go down and watch the auditions.
I
dressed in a tight short leather skirt and black knit top, sheer hose and
those same black heels I mentioned before. I hired a HOV to take me to
the College Knights and waited as and listened as each entry played played.
I
wanted to hear if any of them sounded like I had. I didn't think anything
would come of it. But as the auditions proceeded there were a few that
could possibly have substituted for me. I did feel good about it. By the
end of the session they had their replacement.
I
went home understanding that so much had changed in my life but so little
of me had really changed that I felt ashamed of myself for all the things
I put you, Gary, through.
So
after everything, after spending the last $3,000 I had from my tuition
money to find someone that could decode that stupid box and very nearly
ruined my life forever. After I had taken a job at the Red Fish and been
taken in by a family that really loves me. After I had finally found the
peace and love that anyone would have killed to have. And yes, after I
had rejected that love. Practically spit in its face I did.
After all that, you refused to go away.
I
hope that doesn't change anything between us. Especially now, because your
Christmas gift isn't this silly book or the story I just got done telling
you. You know that one already, hell you were there! No Gary the Christmas
gift I wanted to give you is in that other box under the tree. Well one
of them anyway. The other I'll tell you about after you open the box.
Go on, open it!
In perhaps one of the strangest coincidences in recent memory a disaster on the scale of the Coconut Grove fire of the
nineteen fifties was averted last night. Patrons of the College Knights
Club were attending the memorial service for the lead singer of the band
Tidewater who made head lines after vanishing just before a recording session
six months ago, and then for the phenomenal hit "On A Mountain Top" that
was released days after his reported disappearance.
"I won't make you any promises like that Mike. But I'll listen and let
you know at the end."