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The Final Cut -*- Copyright 1998 by Ellen Hayes.


Any resemblance between the writings in this work, and any actual
persons or places, living or dead, are purely coincidental, except when
used for satirical purposes.

This work contains adult situations, adult language, adult concepts, and
possibly sex.  If you are legally not allowed to read materials
containing such things, then you will be breaking the law by reading
this.  I am not responsible.
Continuing to read this document, or storing it or reproducing it
in any format means that you explicitly affirm that you are legally
allowed to possess and read such materials in your city, county/parish,
state, and country.

All rights reserved.  See the bottom for distribution rights.


The Final Cut


***

     Tuck lay awake and stared at the invisible ceiling.  Things weren't
getting any better.  His thoughts simply wouldn't let go.
     With a sigh, he got up and started getting ready.  He knew what he
had to do, and it was going to be a very busy time.

***

     Mike came into homeroom, and found no Tuck.  "Hey, George, seen
Tuck today?"
     "Naw," George replied.  "Not since yesterday.  Maybe he had a
relapse or something."
     "Maybe."  Mike chewed on his lip.  He wondered what doctor Tuck had
gone to yesterday, and if it was connected with his unexpected absence.
     Dan asked, "You gonna play his character again?"
     "Yeah, guess I have to.  Hey, could you remember to get his history
assignments for him?"  Dan waved his hand, as if such a thing was too
trivial even to mention.

***

     Tuck hauled the last bag into the attic.  This oughta keep for a
while, if I ever need it again, he thought to himself.  Don't burn your
bridges until you absolutely have to.
     Besides, the last thing he needed, if he decided to come back, was
to be interrogated about the contents of the various bags and boxes he
was stashing up here.

***

     Mike saw Debbie in the lunchtime crowd, and trotted over to her.
"Hey, Deb?"  She turned around, and the other girl she was talking to
shut up.  "You heard anything from Tuck?"
     She looked puzzled.  "No, should I have?"
     "He's not here today, I thought he might have said something to
you."
     "No..."
     "We figured he just had a relapse and forgot to call us."  Mike
shrugged.  "No big deal."
     "Oh..."  She looked frustrated.  "I've got a couple of consults
tonight."
     "Yeah, and I gotta go do something with my dad."  Mike really
resented being dragged to church dinners, but there was nothing he could
do about it.  Yet.
     "Well, maybe we can call or something."
     Mike shook his head.  "Naw, let him sleep.  He needs it when he's
sick."  He looked at his watch.  "Anyway, I gotta go, so talk to you
later, okay?"

***

     Tuck was exhausted, but knew that sleep wouldn't come, even now.
     After walking a few miles, he'd found an undeveloped area that
still had trees covering it.  He scanned around for observers, then
ducked in.  He wandered around until he found a small, dense thicket.
Tuck figured he could hide in there until dark, or at least until the
schools let out, and he could disappear in the crowd.
     Then all he could do was think.  Why me, he wondered.

***

     Brian dragged upstairs, tired beyond belief from soccer practice.
It was always hard, the first week or two after the winter break, and he
always hated it until he adjusted again.
     As he slowly trudged along, a note on Tuck's open door caught his
eye.  With a sneer, he pulled it off and started to read, sure it was a
love letter from his obnoxious girlfriend.
     As he read, however, his expression went from disgust to horror.
After maybe thirty seconds, and two complete readings, he whipped around
and started running towards the stairs, screaming, "MOM!  MOM!"

***

     The phone rang, and Bill Tucker glanced at the caller ID box before
he picked it up.  Wonder what's collapsing on the home front this time,
he pondered as he reached for the phone.  Last night's talk about his
son's latest medical problem had left all of them drained.
     "Hello?"
     "Bill?!"  It was his wife, and she sounded frantic.  His fingers
automatically shifted from the phone to shutting down his workstation.
"It's Eugene, he left this letter on his door, and-"

***

     "Hello, Michael?"
     "Hi, Miz Tuck, what'sup?"  He shifted around on the bed to stretch
his legs.  Her next words made him sit bolt upright.

***

     "Dad, I can't go to the church supper tonight, Tuck's in trouble
and I gotta go help him."
     "Michael, this is very- Michael!  Where are you-  MICHAEL!"
     The slamming of the door was his only answer.

***

     "Debbie?"
     "Hey Mike, what's-"
     "Deb, drop your consults and get your ass over here to Tuck's
house."
     "Wh-"
     "He's gone."
     "Gone?  What do you mean gone?"
     "I mean gone like left some kind of weird note and nobody's seen
him all day including his folks and he said he had to think and... Shit,
just get over here!  Wait, get the Pack too, all of 'em," he ordered,
and hung up.
     Debbie felt the cold hand of fear grab her stomach and twist.  No,
not again, she begged.  Please God, not again.

***

     "What kind of doctor did he go to yesterday, Miz Tucker?"
     She looked flustered.  "Michael, I don't think that-"
     "It could be important!"  He wanted to scream at her, hit her until
she told him, but he sat on his impulses and tried to reason with her.

***

     "Shit, I dunno, she won't tell me."  Mike was frustrated beyond
belief.
     Kathy asked, "Well, what-"
     "We gotta find him.  We gotta look.  We all know the kind of places
he would go, and you all know him, so we split up, everyone who has a
car, and we go looking for him!"
     Pam asked, "Don't you think you might just be overreacting a bit?"
     In reply, Mike stomped over and grabbed the note off a table.
"Brian found this on his door when he got home.  It reads: 'To whom it
may concern.  You.  I have got to find some time and some place to
think.  I have a huge choice to make about my life, and whether I should
even bother living it any more.  I know that you all care, but it would
only interfere with what I have to think about.  I have to decide this
alone.  I'll call when I have it figured out.  Don't wear yourself out
trying to find me.  I don't want to be found for a while.  Please take
care of Debbie while I'm gone.'"
     Debbie broke into fresh sobs on the couch.
     Mike intoned, "I don't think I'm overreacting."

***

     Tuck stared at the twilight, and got the feeling it was time to be
on the move again.  He wasn't sure why he was bothering, but since he
wasn't sure, he'd better plan for the worst, and that meant that he
had to stay free and keep moving.

***

     "Debbie, no, look-"
     Debbie whirled to face Mike, and shrieked, "LOOK, I don't know
what-"
     "Deb, Deb, wait, LISTEN!" he roared.  "I'm not driving either.
We're too fucked up to concentrate on driving, and if we get in an
accident, we'll never find him."  He prayed to Buddha that the illogic
would pass unnoticed, and the feeling he was trying to convey would
stick.
     His karma must have been good that day, he decided, as Debbie's
face fell, and she almost started to cry again, before she pulled
herself upright, and nodded silently.

***

     Tuck looked around before walking out to the bus stop.  He really
didn't like standing out in the open like this, but it was the only way
to catch a bus.  At least it was dark, and he had a couple of escape
routes if he had to make a run for it.
     Before five minutes had passed, a bus pulled up and he got on.
Safe, he thought.  At least for a while.  From the outside.
     That was too many qualifiers.

***

     Rachel was debating the merits of throwing her math textbook out
the window when the phone rang.  She got up and answered it, even though
there was a better than even chance that it was for her roommate Andie.
"Hello?"
     "Rachel?"  Oh, goody.  Now if she could just think of a girl that
would be calling her...
     "This is her, um."  She had a feeling that was the wrong way to
say that.
     "Rachel, it's Debbie.  I, we need your help, something's happened
to, uh, Tuck..."  She sniffed on the other end of the line.  This
sounded much more interesting than Friday's math test, at least.

***

     Kathy drove Debbie's car, since she was one of the few that could
handle a manual transmission.
     "Wonder what happened?" Sabrina asked as she scanned the sides of
the road.
     Kathy shrugged, and glanced at Sab in the rear view.  "No telling.
I always got the feeling he was a little high strung, but this is
ridiculous."
     "You think he'd try something?"
     Kathy was silent for a few moments, trying to out-guess a pickup,
before she replied, "I don't think so, but I didn't think Lisa would try
anything either, way back when."  She shrugged.  "And look what happened
there."
     "Yeah," Sabrina agreed faintly.

***

     "Oh my God, Lisa, what'm I gonna do if he dies or something?"
Debbie wailed into Lisa's shoulder.
     "Shhh, shhhh, we'll find him before he does anything stupid," she
whispered in Debbie's ear.  And then I'll kill him, Lisa thought to
herself.

***

     Tuck got off the bus, way out at one of those sterile sculpted
office parks, which suited him just fine.  He thought he had a better
chance to hide out here, where he'd never been.
     At least it wasn't looking like rain tonight.  That would be more
hell than he really needed at the moment.

***

     Mike sat in the back seat of Kim's mom's car, concentrating.
Finally, he ordered, "Let's try west."
     Kim asked skeptically, "How do you know?"
     "I just have a feeling.  Come on, go west."

***

     "Hello?"
     "Julia?"
     "Yes, who's this?"
     "It's George.  Do you, have you seen Tuck recently, like today?"
     "No.  What's up?"
     "He's lost his mind, taken off, and we're trying to find him."
     "He what?"

***

     Tuck found a suitable bush, and settled in for the night.  He was
set, as long as there weren't any dogs around.  Then things could get
sticky.

***

     Debbie kept walking around Westcross mall, glancing at every face
she saw, but she never saw Tuck.  Just several false alarms that almost
stopped her heart, every one of them.

***

     "I mean, I was just wondering, if it's like ethical to do this..."
Pam wondered out loud.
     "To do what?"
     "Look for him.  He said to leave him alone, not to look for him..."
     Jill sighed.  "Pam.  He's out of his head.  He doesn't do stuff
like this.  I think, he's worried that whatever it is, he can't talk to
us about it because he's afraid of us not liking him anymore, or not
respecting him or something."  She glanced sharply at someone, then
shook her head.  It wasn't Tuck.  "In any case, I don't think he's being
rational about this."
     "But what if he is?"
     Jill snapped, "Then we deal with it when the time comes.
Meanwhile, we find him first.  Okay?"

***

     "But, Bill, I mean, what if he gets mugged or something?"
     "Sarah, the kid survived in New York City for an entire summer.
He's not going to get mugged.  He's too clever for that."  He continued
to hold his wife, that being the best, the only thing he could do right
now.

***

     Brian stared at the ceiling in his room.  Once his brother had
taken off, and he'd found the note, it was like he'd stopped existing.
Mom hadn't even fixed dinner.  I mean, he thought, yeah, it's important
or something, but at least she could have remembered her other kids.
     Slow tears tracked down his cheeks.
     Brian thought, he always has to mess everything up.

***

     The night was getting colder, and Tuck didn't like it very much,
but there was a hell of a lot in his life at the moment that he didn't
like at all.  And he couldn't do a thing about any of them.
     Except all at once.
     But he still didn't know if that was the right thing to do, or not.

***

     "It's eleven forty, Mike.  We need to get back to the house to see
if anyone came up with something."
     Mike sighed, and lowered his binoculars.  Then, unexpectedly, he
slammed his fist into the back of the seat.  "Why in hell is he doing
this?"
     Kim replied, sadly, "I dunno, Mike.  I think if we knew that, we'd
know what he was gonna do, or at least have a better idea."
     "Shit."
     Pause.
     "Let's take a different way back, if we can, okay?" Mike suggested.
     "Sure."

***

     Nothing at all.  Dan sighed, and looked for a place to turn around.

***

     Rachel wandered around inside the library until the last few
minutes, but didn't see Tuck.  Or Valerie either.  She sighed, and hoped
that someone else had found him.  Or her.  Whichever.

***

     Tuck huddled inside the garbage bag he'd brought with him.  It was
warmer, but not what anyone could really call warm.  It did keep the
wind out, though.
     He didn't notice himself rocking back and forth gently, as he
thought about what to do.

***

     Debbie seemed to have regained her calm as she spoke to the
assembled group.  "Look, it's late, we have curfews, there's nothing
more we can do tonight.  He's holed up someplace we can't find, and he's
gonna stay there tonight. It's too cold to do anything else.  The cops
are looking for him, and they'll call here if they find him."  Her tone
of voice said that she didn't think that was very likely.
     Kim objected, "Well, but-"
     "Kim," Mike said gently, "we have to sleep if we want to look for
him tomorrow."
     "And speaking of that," Debbie told them, "we brought some Sominex
for everyone, since we're probably too keyed up to sleep without some
kind of help."  Lisa got up and started distributing pink pills to
everyone.  "God knows I'm gonna need something," Debbie mentioned.

***

     Definitely the witching hour, Tuck decided.  Things were looking
stranger all the time.  He felt balanced between life and death, though,
and was not afraid.  He even realized that that should have scared him
most of all.  But it didn't.

***

     "Dad, look, it's-"
     "Michael, I will not tolerate this sort of disobedience!"  His dad
was practically frothing at the mouth.  Mike stifled a sigh, and
wondered how long this was going to last.  Maybe Tuck had the right
idea.

***

     "It's Debbie.  Could you let my mom know we didn't find him?"
     Karen, the dispatcher, replied, "Sure thing, kiddo.  Are you at
home?"
     Debbie sighed.  "Yeah.  I gotta try and get some sleep before
tomorrow."  Good luck, she thought to herself, and bit her lip.  "Just
let her know I'm home now, okay?"
     "Will do."

***

     Tuck hoped Debbie was alright.  He just hoped she wasn't worrying
too much.  He knew that she would try and talk him into something if she
was around, which was one of the main reasons he was out here instead of
at home.  But he didn't want to hurt her, either.
     He just wondered if this would be the last straw in their
relationship.  And whether she would even want him back after he left
like he did.
     If he went back.

***

     Mike stared at the ceiling, and finally decided that it was time to
get up and look for Tuck some more.  He picked up his phone and dialed
George.

***

     "Try north."
     "Why?"
     "Just a feeling, George.  Come on."

***

     Tuck stared at the familiar car as it cruised slowly past.
Bastard, he thought, and concentrated on blanking out his thoughts.  The
only one that washed over him, that he couldn't get rid of, was How did
he find me?

***

     "Damnit!"
     George just looked in the mirror at Mike.
     "He's blocking me somehow.  That fuckhead."  Mike slammed a fist
into the seat.  "Why is he doing this?!"

***

     Tuck waited until the car drifted out of sight, then another ten
minutes, before he dared to move.  Then he scuttled quickly towards the
nearest cover he could find.
     He had to get out of town.  It wasn't beyond belief that Mike had
planted a tracer in his gear, but there was no way they could find
something like that if he was over the horizon.
     Besides, he needed what he had way too badly to dump it at the
moment.  He still hadn't figured out what to do.

***

     Sarah Tucker sat on the edge of the bed and felt her stomach churn.
Bill sat down next to her, and put an arm around her shoulders.  She
silently began to weep, and he pulled her close and held her.  That way,
she wouldn't see his own tears.

***

     Rachel sighed as the alarm went off.  Andie just ignored it, as she
usually did.  Andie could sleep through anything, including, Rachel
speculated, dinner and a movie with her boyfriend of the month.  But
that was unfair.  Simply because she had algebra at eight in the
morning, and Andie didn't have any classes until ten, was no reason to
be nasty.
     She looked over at the answering machine, and there weren't any
messages.  She debated calling Debbie, to see if Tuck or Valerie or
whoever had been found, but finally decided against it.  "She needs her
sleep," she said to herself as she got her bathroom caddy and went out
for a shower.

***

     Debbie was staring at the ceiling, trying not to flinch as she
dropped Visine into her eyes, when the phone rang.  She almost poked
herself in the eye in her frenzy to answer the phone.  "Hello?" she
gasped.
     "No word," Lisa said, and Debbie almost dropped the phone in her
grief.  "I thought you might want to look before school started."

***

     Brian found himself being escorted by the cop into a big room, with
a wall covered in steel doors.  The guy in the lab coat walked over to
one, and pulled it open.  Against his will, Brian watched as the sheet
was pulled back.
     It was his brother, alright, except it looked like he'd been
through a food processor.  Brian froze in shock, and didn't notice
anything until he heard the guy saying, "Well, you can take him home
when you're ready..."
     Brian lurched upright in bed and almost screamed before he realized
where he was.

***

     Tuck wondered what time the bus station opened.  It would be better
if he could take a plane, but he didn't have the money, and it was more
likely that he would be remembered.
     The rising sun caught his eye.  It was beautiful this morning,
promising a clear day for once.
     Tuck wondered if it was the last time he'd ever see one.

***

     Mike shook his head as he saw Debbie staring at him.  She turned
away.

***

     Tuck stared out the bus window at the police car next to him.  Was
it looking for him?  Would they figure he was out and about, or would
they still be searching the neighborhood?
     It figured, at least; nobody listened to him before, and nobody was
listening to him now.

***

     "George, if you could kindly pay attention?"  The class laughed.
     George thought hard about just getting up and walking out.  He
really didn't need this shit on top of everything else.  He wanted to
scream, "How can you expect me to pay attention to this drivel when my
friend is missing?!"  But nobody cared about Tuck except them.  That was
the way it always was.

***

     "Hey, Lady, can you spare some change?"
     Tuck stared at the derelict in front of him, and shook his head by
reflex, before he really heard what the guy said.

***

     Tucker clutched the bus ticket in his sweaty hand and stared at the
bathroom stall door as he sat on the seat.  He was shaking, he dimly
noticed.
     Even now, a yammering voice of self-hatred said in his mind, even
now, you can't help it.  You can't stop it.  You sick disgusting little
faggot.
     How can I live like this? he silently asked himself.  I can't.
     The image of blood, HIS blood, his BLOOD spurting from his radial
artery made him snap violently out of his self-loathing.

***

     Debbie tried to remember what she had read two days before, but it
wasn't there, no matter how hard she tried.  She was going to flunk this
quiz, no question about it.
     She would have traded an entire year of F's to get Tucker back.

***

     The one place they'll never look, Tuck thought.

***

     "What do we do now?" Kathy asked.
     Mike shook his head.  "His folks are talking to the cops again
today. And I gave them Debbie's pager number, so we'll know if they hear
anything.  Other than that...."  He shrugged.  "I guess we keep
looking."  He tossed an empty coke can much, much harder than was
necessary to make it to the trash.  It rang as it bounced off the wall.

***

     The worst thing about bus trips was the long silences.
     Not that he could really handle a conversation right now.
     But then, all he'd been doing for the last day or more, was think.
He'd supposed that he would stop, eventually, that the clamor inside his
head would quiet down and he would sleep.  It hadn't, yet.
     To live or not to live, that was the question.  And if he lived, if
he decided to go on with the wreckage that his life had suddenly
become... what then?

***

     "But what if he's left town?" Kathy asked.
     "Ahhhh..."  Mike kicked the wall.  "Shit.  I hadn't thought about
that!"

***

     Brian wondered if Mom would even remember that he had soccer
practice again today.  He didn't think so.
     "I hope he never comes back," he mumbled to himself, and wiped an
angry tear away.  He hoped no one had noticed.

***

     Tucker got off the bus, several towns earlier than his ticket would
indicate, and took his pack with him.

***

     "Nothing yet, ma'am, but we're still looking.  We've covered..."
     Sarah just let the words sink into nothingness.  Her son was still
missing.

***

     Pam slipped into the side chapel, and knelt down, crossing herself.

***

     He'd found the main college library, more by accident than
planning, and went inside.  Might as well, Tuck thought to himself.
Libraries had always been good to him in the past.
     And he had a lot of reading to do.

***

     Kim held on to Mike as he silently shuddered.  She had known he was
going to crack eventually, and she had resolved to be with him when he
did.

***

     Sabrina looked sideways at someone, but it wasn't Tuck.  She was
beginning to wonder if he was still alive.  I mean, she thought,
somebody would have seen him if he was still alive, right?

***

     Tuck found a table that was big enough to hold all the books he'd
collected, and set the pile down.  Time to hit the books, he thought to
himself.  He might as well do something besides stare at the walls.

***

     Rachel sat and stared at "her" tree, the one she always sat by when
she had to think.  Mistle Thrush played in her headphones as she tried
to imagine being really serious about wanting to be dead.

***

     Susan was walking through the library, hoping to spot one
particular guy from her non-science major's astronomy class, when she
saw someone else instead.  She was so surprised, she stopped dead in her
tracks.  No way, she thought uncertainly.  What would he be doing here?
     She approached the table, which was piled high with dark tomes, and
got more and more certain as she got closer.  Finally, she stopped, and
asked, "Eugene?"
     The effect it had on him surprised the hell out of her again.  His
eyes popped open, and he tried to jump to his feet, but got tangled in
the chair instead, and collapsed on the floor.  "Wha-" he gasped in
astonishment.
     "What the hell are you doing here?" Susan demanded.
     He looked around, like he wasn't sure where he was or even who he
was.  "I was, I..."  He looked up at her.  What finally caught her
attention were the almost black rings around his eyes, and his
sick-looking pallor.  He looked almost green.
     "Are you okay?  What's going on?" Susan asked, becoming concerned
again.
     He sagged, on the floor, and shook his head slowly.  "Nothing that
concerns you, okay?  Just leave me alone, I was just going."
     "Sure you were, that's why you were snoring," she exaggerated.
"Tucker, what ARE you doing here?  Are you sick or something?"
     He surprised her for the third time by starting to sob.

***

     Mike stared at the phone, exhausted, and tried to think of someone
else to call who might have seen him.

***

     "Look, do Mom and Dad know where you are?" Susan asked, fairly
certain she knew the answer.
     "Y- no."  Tucker heaved air into his lungs.  "They just... they
would have wanted to tell me shit, tell me how things aren't so bad,
there's a silver lining-"
     "-in every dark cloud," Susan sighed.  "Oh, God, I know that one.
And all the rest of 'em."  She looked around.  "Well, we should call,
at least, to tell 'em you're okay."
     Tucker sighed.  "You think so?"  Susan nodded.

***

     "Anyway, I guess-"
     Mike stopped when the phone rang.  There was about a half a second
ot stunned immobility, then Mike and Debbie both raced for the phone.
Mike just barely beat her to the handset.  "Hello?"
     The rest of the room strained to hear the conversation as they
stealthily crowded around the phone and Mike.
     "Susan?!  What the... it's Mike, you- yeah, we're- have you seen-
he's WHERE?!"  He yelled out to the rest of the group, "He's at his
sister's dorm?!"  Mike turned back to the phone.  "Yeah, we've been-
yeah.  Oh, shit, he's okay, though?  Oh, God, thank God," Mike slumped
in relief.  Pam crossed herself.  "Yeah, we can- no, his folks are
talking to the police or something, they're not here- yeah, he- yeah-
Look, can you keep him there for a while?  We can come pick him up,
okay?  Okay.  Yeah, we'll tell 'em.  Bye."
     Mike hung up the phone, pumped his fist, and then yanked the phone
back up and dialed.

***

     "I got your little friend, Mike.  Mom and Dad aren't home... how
long have you been gone, anyway?  They sounded REALLY freaked out," she
emphasized.
     Tuck looked up, in a daze.  "Um.  Is today Friday?"  Susan nodded.
"I guess since Thursday morning-"
     "Two DAYS?"  He nodded.  "What?!"

***

     "Rachel's coming over, and she said she could drive us up there,"
Mike stated as he scribbled a note to Tuck's parents.
     "Oh, God, thank God... I don't think I could drive like this,"
Debbie said raggedly.
     "Me neither."

***

     Susan was shocked.  "I mean, but how do you know?  You've got to be
kidding?" she said uncertainly.  One thing was for sure, she was glad
she'd moved this conversation to her room.
     "Oh, yeah.  Right.  Watch this."  With that, Tucker stood up and
started undressing.
     "Hey, what the hell do you-"
     "You wanted to see, you get to see."
     "Tuck, I don't-"
     "Fine, look, I'll..."  He grabbed her nightshirt and slid it over
his head.  "This enough for modesty?"  He grinned at her, a mad dog sort
of teeth baring sort of thing.  Susan did not like it at all.
     "Look, Tuck, what are you-"
     Tuck snapped, "Just wait."  He finished undressing in silence,
sitting on a chair to remove his shoes and socks.  When he stood up
again, the only thing he hadn't discarded was his own underwear.
     "Okaaaaaay," Susan said slowly.  "Sooooo...."
     Tuck reached behind him, and pulled the cotton tight against
himself.  "Look like anyone you know?"
     Susan explained carefully, "It looks like you, Tuck.  What is the
point of all this?"
     Tuck shook his head angrily.  "You're not looking close enough,
damnit!"  He walked over to her.  "Just look at the body, okay?
Pretend you can't even see my face."
     Susan sighed, but tried to do like Tuck had asked.  It was
important to him, anyway...
     The more she looked, the more she saw nothing.  Except maybe a
little extra weight, which was untypical of Tuck.  If he was a girl,
Susan would have worried about him being anorexic.
     On the other hand, that's sort of what he was claiming.
     "Notice ANYthing strange or unusual, Suze?"
     "Just you've put on some weight," she remarked automatically.
     "Where?" he asked.  "Point to it."  He started slowly turning, so
she pointed to his rear, and his legs, and his upper chest...
     "Oh my God," she gasped.
     Tuck stopped turning, and when he spoke again, he sounded
exhausted.  And frightened.  "I told you, I told you but nobody listens
to me, they just tell me how it's going to be, whatever the hell they
want me to be, and nobody cares what I feel like or what I want, or
what's really going on..."

***

     "Where?"  Rachel ran her fingers through her hair as Kim explained
exactly where Tuck's sister was going to school.  "That's kind of a long
drive," Rachel remarked when Kim was done.
     "We'll pay for gas, Debbie's reserving a couple of hotel rooms for
us, we just need someone to drive who isn't fucked up."  Kim grinned
raggedly at her.  "Like all of us."
     "You look it," Rachel confirmed, before she realized how rude it
sounded.
     Instead of taking offense, Kim just nodded.

***

     Susan held her brother as he cried into her shoulder, like he had
when he was a lot younger.  She hadn't realized how much she cared for
him still, until he started to tear up.  Old instincts had come back in
a rush.

***

     Kim held Debbie's hand in the back seat.  She wasn't crying, but if
you were close to her, you could feel her almost buzzing with tension.
Kim knew she was holding it in with sheer force of will.  Debbie did
that a lot, when she felt something she didn't want to deal with.
     A lot like Mike, come to think of it.

***

     "You mean, she-"
     Tuck shrugged.  "She likes me like that."  He smiled, shyly, and it
almost broke Susan's heart.  "I dunno, I think she's a lesbian, or at
least seriously scared of guys.  She's got reason," he added.
     "But you, I mean... you let her do that to you?"
     Tuck looked down at the floor.  "She... she really cares for me,
Susan.  She's the first person I've ever met who did, like that."  He
shrugged.  "It's not that big a deal, when you consider, what, what I
get out of it, and what she gets out of it."
     "Like what?" Susan asked incredulously.
     Tuck looked back up at her.  "Feeling safe?  How much would YOU pay
to feel safe with a guy if you'd been raped when you were eleven?"
     "What?!"
     He made a face.  "Don't ever tell her I said that.  Don't tell
ANYone.  She doesn't want anyone to know about it."
     There was silence for a minute.

***

     "Yeah, take the right here, and then keep going," Mike instructed.
     "Do we have any more cokes?" Rachel asked as she stared into the
gathering darkness, waiting for the exit to move closer.
     "A couple..." Kim said, digging in the cooler.  She handed one to
Mike, who opened it and placed it in Rachel's hand.

***

     Tuck sighed.  "It just..."  He waved his hands in the air when he
couldn't find the words.  "Just happened," he finally blurted.
     "Oh my..."  Susan tried to calm down, but it felt like she was
floating.  Or falling.  Her brother?  The one who had almost thrown
himself out the window instead of letting her and her friends play dress
up with him?  And now his girlfriend was doing the same thing to him?
     And it hadn't escaped her attention that Tuck was sitting just like
her, in a mirror image pose.
     Susan didn't know what to think any more.

***

     Sarah found the note first.  "Bill!" she called as she scanned it
quickly.  "BILL!  He's with Susan!"
     Bill was there in seconds, just in time to read the note himself
and catch his wife as she began to cry again.  All he could do was hold
her and mumble to himself, "Thank God, thank God..."

***

     Tuck sagged again, looking ill and greenish, and Susan realized
that she had to get something into him fairly quickly, or he was going
to pass out.  "Tuck, hold on, let me get you a coke or something, okay?"
He just nodded, and she gathered some change from her purse and went to
visit the coke machine.

***

     Tuck's eyes slowly closed, the familiar scent of his big sister all
around him, and oddly soothing.
     They popped open again when the door opened, and another young
woman came in.  "Uh, hi?" she said when she saw him, sounding a little
puzzled.
     "Hi," said Tuck, who came to a quick, ironic, decision.  He was
still wearing his sister's nightshirt, after all.  "I'm Valerie, Susan's
cousin?  I'm visiting for, for the weekend."
     "Oh, hi, I'm Lindy," said the other girl, with a friendly wave.  "I
gotta hot one tonight, so do you mind if I get ready around you?"
     Tuck sighed.  Not the first time, he thought.  "No, sure.  Um,
Susan and I might go out for supper in a bit; it's been a while since I
ate."
     "Oh, cool," Lindy replied, sounding completely distracted.  She
gathered up a bag and a towel and some other stuff, and left, apparently
headed for the showers.
     Tuck stared out the dark window as he pondered what to do.

***

     Dave asked, "So he like, took off?"
     Brian distractedly replied, "Yeah, just disappeared, left this
stupid note, oh sh-"  He frantically twisted the controller and pounded
at the buttons, but PlayStation controllers do not respond to body
english.  "Jerk.  Now it's like this big deal, and Mom and Dad are all
freaked out, and all his freak friends have been over at the house all
the time, and..."  He sighed.  He hoped he sounded casual enough.  At
least he wasn't crying like he had after that stupid nightmare this
morning.

***

     Susan almost literally ran into Lindy in the hallway.  When Susan
looked up, Lindy was carrying her shower stuff.  That meant that she had
been in their room.  That meant-
     "Oh, hey," Lindy remarked.  "Didja get any for me?" she pointed at
the cokes Susan was carrying.  "I could use something before Todd
tonight," and smiled and gave Susan a suggestive look.
     "Uh, no," Susan replied dumbly.
     "Susan?"
     "Uh."  She shook her head.  "Just thinking about stuff."
     "Oh," Lindy nodded, looking serious.  "Yeah, I saw your cousin."
*Cousin?* Susan thought.  Lindy motioned her closer, and when Susan
leaned in, Lindy asked, "Is she running away from home or something?"
     Susan answered, "Ahhhh.... we're not sure yet."  *She?  What the-*
     "I just wondered.  She looks like, like this girl at my high
school..."  Lindy paused.  "I mean, if she needs a place to stay or
something, if she can't go home, she could stay with us, if she needs
to."  Lindy looked off into a space Susan couldn't see, for a moment.
"Anyway," she said as she came back, "she looked like she could use some
food or something.  And she mentioned dinner, so maybe you'd better get
on it.  Oh, hell, me too.  Talk to you later, okay?"  And with that,
Lindy resumed walking towards the showers.
     Susan walked rapidly back to their room, wondering just what in
hell was going on.
     When she opened the door again, her brother jumped.  "What the
hell?" she asked.
     Tucker just looked at her.  "What?"
     "I just talked to Lindy, and..."  Words failed her.  Even waving
her hands around didn't help.
     He shrugged.  "I didn't change out of this," he flapped the
nightshirt at her, "and it just seemed the simplest thing to do."  He
shrugged again.  "I've been doing that a lot, lately."

***

     Rachel wondered as she drove, in the silent car, just what they
were going to find when they got where they were going.  This was rather
out of her experience.  All of it.
     She glanced in the rear view mirror, but couldn't see Debbie.
She'd been rather quiet the entire time.  Rachel imagined she was tired.
Or maybe exhausted would be a better word; she didn't look like she'd
slept at all the night before.
     Rachel glanced back at the road ahead of her, and wondered some
more.  This Tuck person seemed to get involved in the weirdest things...

***

     "Would you hurry up?" Susan scolded.  "We gotta get out of here
before Lindy gets back."
     "I don't see what the rush is," Tuck said as he slithered into his
spare clothes.  "She already thinks she knows what's going on, and it's
simpler just to let her think that."
     "It's even simpler if we get you the hell out of here, you dork.
Besides, what if I screw up and say 'he' or something?  Then she'll
start asking questions I don't bet you want to answer."  *Or me either,*
she thought to herself.
     Tuck nodded at that, and bent down to retrieve his shoes.  He
glanced up as he was shoving them on his feet.  "Maybe you should get
dressed too?"
     Susan looked down at herself.  "I'm fine.  Come on, hurry up!"
     "I'm done already, would you lay off?"  Susan tossed his jacket at
him and practically dragged him down the hall and into the stairwell.
He tried to protest once, but she just grabbed him harder, and he got
the hint.
     Once they went down half a flight of stairs, Susan relaxed some,
although she kept her hold on Tuck's arm.  When they made it outside,
she directed both of them to the side of the building, because she
needed a rest.  She sagged as she leaned against the wall.  "Oh,
jeezus," Susan said.
     "The story of my fucking life," Tuck mentioned.

***

     Lisa sighed as she put the phone down.  "They're about halfway
there," she announced to the crowd, and shrugged.
     "Shit," George and Sabrina said at the same time.  Julia just
tilted her head back and pinched the bridge of her nose.
     "It's the waiting that sucks," Pam said, as if it was profound.

***


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"Tallyho!"      \   /     @>--,--'--  ehayes@nym.alias.net  + vicki .sig
Ellen Hayes --=(*)=(*)=-- Renaissance Woman    ==[--------  + virus 9.1a
            http://www.geocities.com/WestHollywood/Heights/5734/


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