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   *                             "NEW TO LOVE"                              *
   *                                (part 5)                                *
   *                             by Vince Water                        5/03 *
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   | Copyright 2002-2006 by Vince Water                      Corrected 3/06 |
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      I'm rushing down the hall to make my class on time. Running Water has
   something to do in town and will take me home afterwards. He's agreed to
   spend the night with me. I'm both thrilled and concerned about that. I
   don't want to give into temptation again. Our naked hug was alright but it
   could lead to more intimate love acts between us. We're only friends! I
   release a sharp breath. At least I won't be sleeping alone in a haunted
   trailer. I'm going to try finding a new place to live tomorrow.

      I turn the corner and see Miss Owens talking with one of my students.
   Mr. Swenson notices my approach. He says something to her then enters the
   classroom. She gives me a weak grin.

      "Hello, Mike."

      How soft her greeting sounds. "Evening, Miss Owens." Mine is formal.

      "I know that your class is starting now. See me afterwards. Okay?"

      "I will." I'm passing her with eyes lowered. I'd seen the happy glow
   in hers and it reminds me of how Jesse looks at me. What does she want
   to talk about after my class? I hope it's not to ask me out on a date!

      My students greet me. The clock above the blackboard reads 7:05pm so
   I'm rushing to pull off my jacket. It's a full class tonight with one
   notable exception. I wasn't expecting Winna to attend though.

      Most everyone has their computers started. I help Mrs. Blanchet get
   into MS-Word (the icon was missing from her desktop so we started it from
   the Programs Folder). Mr. Swenson is waiting for his computer to get to
   the desktop. Like me, he's arrived late to class.

      A review is given of what was covered in Wednesday's class. The icy
   roads had kept most of my students from attending on Friday so I didn't
   teach anything new that night. With older adults, I know how quickly they
   can forget things especially if they don't practice. Most of them have
   computers at home or can practice at work. The review only takes twenty
   minutes. They're ready to learn more advanced Word functions.

      I'm often glancing up at the clock when scribbling on the blackboard.
   The time seems to drag. I cling to the hope that Winna is just being late
   but it's 7:28pm. She isn't coming.

      I show my students how to set page margins, insert page numbering and
   to print their documents. They're finally seeing a result of what they've
   been learning in my class on paper. Mr. Clark attracts my attention. His
   printer isn't working so I move him to Winna's computer. We transfer his
   file over by using a disk.

      Jesse is sitting in the chair next to Mr. Clark.

      I blink my eyes a few times. Then he's gone. The disk falls from my
   hand. When I go to pick it up, an intense feeling almost has me passing
   out. I've felt this disorienting sensation before. 'Not now, Jes-ee-ah!'

      "Is something wrong?" asks Mr. Clark.

      I'm shaking my head. The disk is returned to my student. When I make
   my way back to the blackboard, tears fill my eyes. I can't shake the
   feeling of needing to be with my lover. He is Calling me. I'm chalking
   out instructions on the board until I've regained control of myself.

      The remaining hour of class is difficult for me. I've lost my focus.
   Some of my students notice my distress and reveal it on their faces as a
   parental need to help. Mrs. Blanchet touches my arm to console me. I'm
   correcting something that's gone wrong with her computer (a dumb pop-up
   warning from Windows XP). Before turning away, I give the woman my warm
   smile of thanks. She nods knowingly like a mother would. That has me
   realizing how far away my own parents are. Even friends who could help me
   get through this difficult time in my life are beyond reach. Sending an
   email wouldn't be enough (I couldn't tell them that I'm heart broken over
   a guy). I have Running Water to turn to. He's gay, but an Indian. I'm in
   need of someone from my own society, a close friend or a parent who'd
   understand what I'm going through. What's troubling me is the spooky
   stuff. I think that I'm going crazy.

      Mr. Swenson calls me over for some help. He has difficulties with
   highlighting text because his mouse is acting sluggish. I remove the ball
   and clean out its compartment. That solves the problem. He thanks me.

      "That Indian woman isn't coming to class any more," he comments. "Her
   kid was a damn nuisance. Did you make that happen?"

      I glare at the old man with anger filling me. Does he have a prejudice
   against Indians? Then I remember him asking Jesse for help with his
   computer and was ignored. That's because Jesse was too shy. He did disrupt
   class by yelling at his mom that night. I suppose that's what bothered
   Mr. Swenson.

      I go on with class with a sense of dread. I'm often looking at Mr.
   Swenson to glean if he's complained about it to Miss Owens. I'd seen the
   two of them talking earlier in the hall. The chair beside Mr. Clark also
   draws my attention but it remains empty.

      Finally, it's 9pm. My students shut down their computers and file out
   of the room. I'm erasing the blackboard. I grab my jacket and put it on
   while dreading my meeting with Miss Owens. The classroom door is locked
   behind me.

      To my relief, Running Water is waiting outside. He reveals a grim face.
   We're walking down the hall when Miss Owens comes into view. I slow my
   steps. The Indian sees the woman walking towards me and he starts falling
   back to give us privacy. "Stay with me," I whisper.

      "Mike. Can we talk now?"

      "Miss Owens..." I turn to my companion. "This is Running Water."

      "Hello."

      The Indian only nods his head in reply. I sense the woman's uneasiness.
   Good. That will prevent her from being able to talk with me about what I
   suspect she has to say.

      "Mr. Swenson has made a complaint."

      "Oh?" She's a stronger woman that I had suspected.

      "Yes. Well. He said that one of your students had brought her son to
   class last week. I wouldn't mind that but... Mr. Swenson said that the
   boy made outbursts in class."

      "It was only one outburst, directed at his mom." I'm trying to control
   my anger. "Jesse is autistic. That's why he wouldn't help Mr. Swenson
   with his computer when he'd ask."

      "Oh. I didn't know that," stammers Miss Owens. "Well, considering
   everything, it might be best if she didn't bring her son to class."

      I turn to Running Water. "Can you tell your aunt not to bring Jesse
   to class anymore?" Turning back to Miss Owens. "Or maybe I should ask
   that they both don't come." I'm barely able to control my anger now.

      "That's not necessary, Mike."

      I nod my head then walk past the woman. Running Water catches up with
   me. I take hold of his left hand. The Indian flinches at my side. I'm sure
   that Miss Owens is getting the picture. When we reach the door, he releases
   my hand so that he can push it open. We walk out into the cold night.

      Running Water doesn't say anything. We reach his pickup truck and get
   in. I'm regretting what I did.

      We're leaving the parking lot when Running Water glares at me. I release
   a sharp breath before explaining myself to him. "I know. I've acted badly
   back there. I'm sorry. I was angry at Mr. Swenson and you should know that
   Miss Owens is interested in me. It was a way to put her off."

      "You used me, Mike."

      I didn't consider his feelings. That was stupid of me. "You're right. I
   don't know what to say, except that I'm sorry."

      "You white folk are always sorry about something. Usually it's for the
   wrong thing and after it's too late to make it right."

      Boy, he's really anger with me! I don't know what to say.

      The rest of our ride is in silence. Running Water makes a right turn
   into my trailer park. I thought about holding his hand but I'm afraid he
   might reject me. I'm getting scared. He may not want to spend the night.

      We park in front of my trailer. I feel a sharp pain in my stomach that
   reminds me of what happened after Running Water took me home from the
   meeting. I pull on my door and get out. It's really cold outside. When I
   slam it closed, I hear the other door slamming. We walk up to my trailer.

      I pull out my key and fumble with unlocking my door. Running Water
   follows me inside. I notice that he's holding a leather pouch. We face
   each other uneasily.

      "My brother. How can I make it right?" There's no emotion showing on
   the Indian's face.

      "I understand what you're going through, Mike. I've forgiven you but
   it's not for me to say."

      My eyes are fixed on his leather pouch. What's inside it? I'm taken from
   my thoughts by the man's silence. That forces me to think about what I did
   wrong tonight. How to make it right. "Okay. I should go to Miss Owens and
   apologize to her." The Indian's eyes flare. I remember how little he thinks
   of us white folk saying that we're sorry.

      "I could tell her the truth. That I'm gay and not interested in her.
   And I should explain that I'm angry at Mr. Swenson for complaining. I
   can't tell her about me and Jesse though."

      "Speaking the truth is a good thing," comments Running Water, "but not
   when it can be hurtful to someone who doesn't need to be told everything."

      I look into the Indian's eyes and see them soften. "What should I tell
   her?"

      "You will know when the moment comes. White folk do know how to use
   tact. Yes?"

      Running Water breaks into a smile. I smile too, offering the man my hug.
   He accepts it. It is good having him for a friend.

      When we separate, I look down at what the Indian is holding.

      "I've seen my grandfather tonight. He's very concerned for you and has
   asked me to perform a ritual."

      An Indian rite? "What will you do?" Running Water looks around my
   trailer uneasily.

      "You will know. Can you make some coffee, Mike?"

      "Sure." I head into the kitchen. The heater is switched on because of
   the cold. Running Water has disappeared into the rear of my trailer. Oh.
   He's probably using the bathroom. He's had a long drive to Chinook and
   back in the two hours I was teaching class.

      I bring two mugs into the front room. Running Water hasn't returned.
   Then I notice a burning smell. Alarm fills me. I race to where it's
   smelling the strongest, from my bedroom. I fling the door open.

      Running Water is sitting on the floor. He glances at me when I enter
   and returns to uttering Indian words. They sound harsh; threatening. I
   notice a clay bowl in front of him. Smoke is rising from it.

      I cautiously approach to see if the Indian will allow me to sit with
   him. He does, gesturing that I do so on his left. His hands are raised.
   With face lifted, Running Water makes what sounds like a plea for help.
   I'm startled when his left hand grasps my shoulder. He speaks some more
   (unto his God?) and I hear my Indian name spoken.

      It becomes quiet in the room. I look at the man's face and see such an
   intense expression on it. Not anger, fear or anything that I've ever seen
   from him before.

      Running Water lowers his hand from my shoulder. He reaches for the
   clay pot on the floor before him. No. He's pulling smoke towards him with
   his hands and breathes in deeply. A gesture is given me to do the same.
   I cup my hands and bring the smoke onto me. It's sweet smelling, a
   familiar odor like burning leaves but not marijuana or any other drug.
   Breathing it in is very calming.

      The Indian struggles to his feet. I slowly stand up with him. He goes
   to the door and leaves my bedroom. I follow. We enter the front room.
   Running Water sits down on the couch, reaching for one of the mugs I've
   placed there earlier. I join him in drinking coffee.

      I'm staring at Running Water in the hope that he'll tell me what his
   ritual was all about. He holds the mug in his brown hands. Sips from it.
   I release an anxious sigh when realizing that I'm going to have to be
   patient.

      "That is a difficult thing for you, Mike."

      "What, patience?" I realize that this Indian knew what I was thinking!

      "Now your eyes are telling me that you think I'm reading your thoughts.
   I've already told you, Mike. That is Jes-ee-ah's gift. Those in my family
   have a sense of what others are thinking by reading faces, seeing what
   their hands are doing and the other unspoken language of the body. You
   white folk are especially easy to read."

      "You've told me that Indians can detect lies in others," I add.

      "Some of us can. My grandfather has taught those of our family how to.
   Anyone can learn if they are willing to put forth the effort. Even you."

      "You mean, it's not Indian magic?" Running Water smiles at me.

      "There is some. When you can Look into yourself and accept your spirit,
   you are given a sense of all the other spirits around you. In trees,
   animals, stones and even the Unseen."

      I feel goose bumps forming over my body. He means Ron's ghost!

      "That ritual was my way of acknowledging his presence..."

      I interrupt him. "Why didn't you try driving him away?!" The Indian
   takes in a big breath then releases it. He's shaking his head at me like
   I'm a child.

      "Mike. There is a reason why Ron's spirit has remained here. It's not
   a bad thing even though you are frightened of him. He is answering a
   summons from Power."

      "You mean that it wasn't Ron's spirit that made the Connection between
   Jesse and me?" The Indian nods his head. Now, I'm really getting scared!

      "It takes a shaman to do that. Even though Jes-ee-ah will be shaman,
   he is untrained. It's not him."

      "Who then?" Running Water takes another sip from his mug. He then sets
   it down on the table, deep in thought.

      "Your grandfather knows. Doesn't he?" The Indian's eyes return to me.
   I see that I've guessed right.

      "There are many spirits of this world that are Unseen. Some act in the
   Light while others... I don't mean to frighten you, Mike. You come from a
   People who rarely See with their inner Sight. Even those of my People are
   blind to Them. It takes a shaman's training."

      "You aren't a shaman?" I'm wondering because he'd performed that ritual
   in my bedroom.

      "No. I don't have the gift. My grandfather instructed me on how to
   perform some rituals like the one you've seen. Ron was my lover. I needed
   to acknowledge him, forgive him for what he did in life so that he'll be
   at peace."

      "So your ritual was trying to send him on his way."

      "When Power releases Ron from service. Yes."

      A cold chill runs down my spine. "He still has something to tell me."

      "That is what my grandfather believes."

      I drain my coffee mug and set it down on the table next to his. I look
   deep into the man's eyes. "Why are you going to stay with me tonight?"

      "You already know, Mike."

      I'd asked Running Water to stay with me because I was afraid of Ron's
   ghost. Why not simply say that? To assure me that he's not wanting to be
   with me for another reason. A sharp tingle goes through my dick.

      I'm afraid to see if the answer is in this man's eyes. I grab the two
   mugs and head for the kitchen. They're rinsed out in the sink. A yawn
   springs from my mouth. So much has happened today that it's no wonder that
   I'm tired. Teaching class also does that.

      It's warm in here, I notice. The heater is unplugged. I'll bring it to
   the bedroom where it will be needed. I've already decided on our sleeping
   arrangements. Running Water joins me in the kitchen.

      "I have to work tomorrow morning."

      "What time do you need to get up? I'll set the alarm."

      "Eight o'clock. That will give me enough time to shower, eat and get
   dressed to be at Roy's by nine."

      Running Water looks down at himself. I see the good jeans that he's
   wearing and the long sleeved shirt. A nice butt on him.

      "I didn't have time to stop at my parent's house for work clothes."

      "You can wear one of my t-shirts," I answer.

      "It may get messed up."

      I nod my head. "That's okay. I'm sorry that I don't have jeans to offer
   you. I've just purchased some at Wal-Mart because mine had become too
   loose." I'm looking down at my slim figure with pride. The Indian's eyes
   fall over me. My tight pants shows off my butt nicely.

      After turning out the kitchen light, I grab a handle on the heater and
   start pulling it through my trailer with its plug dragging over the floor.
   It's too hot to carry. Running Water follows me.

      There's a tricky part with lifting the heater over a rise near my
   bedroom. Running Water helps me by grabbing the backs wheels. Then he
   rushes to open the door and I pull the heater in the room. It's plugged in.

      I watch the Indian reverently lift his clay bowl from the floor and set
   it down in a corner, out of the way. The strong scent of what was burning
   in it remains in the room. "It's a nice smell."

      "Sage," says Running Water. "We also use it in cleansing rituals."

      We turn to each other. My mouth opens to release a big yawn. It's
   infectious. Running Water begins to yawn. That causes me to yawn again.
   "It's been a really long day," I stammer. "Let's get into bed."

      "Can you set the alarm for me?"

      "For eight, right?" The Indian nods. He starts to undress while I'm
   setting the alarm clock. The heater draws my attention by its pinging. I
   have it turned to the highest setting. I don't want my guest to be freezing
   tonight. When I turn towards the bed, he's already under the blanket. I'm
   looking for his pile of clothes. How much did he take off? I spot his
   rolled up jeans on the floor, shoes and a folded shirt. I can't tell if his
   underwear and socks are tucked within his jeans.

      I face my nightstand and turn off the lamp. I'm quickly undressing in
   the dark. My good clothes are folded and set on the floor. I slip into bed
   next to him. The blanket is pulled up to my chin.

      It becomes an anxious moment. Will Running Water reach over for me? I'm
   half hoping that he will but... No. I only want to be with Jesse!

      I hear the man's teeth chattering. "Are you cold?"

      "A little."

      "The heater will soon warm up the room." I remember seeing the man's
   shirt on the floor. "Do you want me to get you a t-shirt?"

      "No. You don't have to get out of bed."

      I feel Running Water shivering under our blanket. An idea comes to me of
   how to warm him but I'm struggling with it. I don't want him to get the
   wrong impression. "Ah. You can hold me for a while." I'm turning onto my
   right side, scooting back against him. Will he accept my offer?

      A thrill goes through me when the Indian turns to me. His long arms
   come around my chest. His chest presses against my back. I feel his
   breaths against my neck. Below, one of his feet touches mine. He's wearing
   socks. After a moment, our bodies become still. I can't tell if he's
   wearing underwear. I am. I'm tempted to reach back and find out. No. That
   would give him the wrong idea. I reach for Jesse's underwear instead.
   It's brought to my chest in an embrace to remind myself of my commitment
   to him.

      "Running Water?"

      "Yes?"

      "When can I see your grandfather?"

      "I'll bring you to him on Thursday."

      Disappointment fills me. "Why not tomorrow?"

      "He's... involved in something that cannot be disturbed."

      I recall Running Water telling me that he'd seen his grandfather
   earlier, when I was teaching. "You saw him tonight."

      "It was important to tell him about you."

      "That I was Seeking Jesse."

      "Yes. He thinks it's a good idea that I stay and watch over you."

      I cover Running Water's left hand with my own. "Thank you."

      "Now go to sleep."

      That's going to be hard with a nearly naked Indian holding me. I close
   my eyes and adjust my head over the pillow. A yawn comes out of me. I've
   heard him yawning only a moment before. "Are you warm?"

      "Yes."

      I've been slowly backing myself against him to see if he's naked. I'm
   not feeling his cock. Mine is limp inside my underwear and for that I am
   glad. Jesse's underwear is squeezed in my right hand. I hold it tightly
   against my breast.

      I'm wanting to look at my clock but to do so would disturb the Indian
   holding me. I guess that it's around ten. Maybe a little later. Am I
   going to dream about Ron tonight? The thought of it scares me. I'm glad
   that Running Water is with me.

      My butt relaxes. He's probably wearing underwear to keep warm and to
   prevent us from... Guilt fills me. There's a sharp pain in my stomach
   that comes from my longing for Jesse. "I'm really missing him."

      "I know. Try not to think about it, Mike."

      "When can I see Jesse?"

      "I don't know. Shh. Go to sleep."

      I've heard the stern tone in his voice. I breathe in deeply a few times
   that causes me to yawn. My left hand falls from his. I am feeling sleepy.


      I'm startled awake by a hand clutching the front of my underwear. Who?
   It takes me a moment to remember that Running Water is sleeping with me.
   He's kissing my neck. Against my ear, I hear his soft Indian voice. I'm
   frightened. He shouldn't be doing this to me!

      The Indian's hard cock is pressed up against my butt. Not a sharp poking
   so I realize that he's also wearing underwear. My body tenses up. I'm
   getting aroused and fear that would make me submit to his desire for love
   making. It should be Jesse who's beside me! I bring the man's hand back
   up to my chest. He whispers something to me.

      "Ne stoa pinnan... jeh ah..., Ah-ee-ne."

      The tiny hairs lift at the back of my neck. Jesse had spoken those
   same tender words to me and I know what they mean. That last word though.
   My eyes widen with shock. 'Ah-ee-ne' is Ron's Indian name!

      Running Water thinks he's holding his dead lover. I'm about to tell
   him that it's me instead when I hear the Indian snoring. Oh. He must have
   been half asleep when he... Relief fills me.

      My cock pains me to be relieved. I regret that I'm going to have to
   disturb Running Water by pulling from his arms. I slowly slip from my bed.
   The room is very warm. I'm minding myself in the dark when making my way
   to the bathroom.

      After pissing, I rush back to the warmth of my bedroom. I'm looking at
   the clock. It's 12:23am. I gently pull the blanket up and slip under it.
   Running Water is still snoring. My butt presses up against his. Jesse's
   underwear is found and after breathing in its sweet scent, I clutch him
   against me. Tears fill my eyes. How I wish that he were with me now!


      I'm in a place of utter light and joy! My eyes seem to be closed but I
   see my other self here. We talk quickly. Sharing everything that's been
   happening to us at the speed of thought. Jesse embraces me. His love
   fills my being, completing me like nothing else ever has. My love is given
   to complete him. We are One.

      A piercing alarm fills my ears. It's a familiar sound that draws me
   away from that wonderful place I was. I awaken. Yet there's no strength
   in my arms to reach for the alarm clock. All is darkness.

      I hear my name being called. A loud insistent demand for me to wake up.
   My eyes slowly fill with light. A face comes into view that I recognize.
   It's Running Water.

      Something is wrong with me! I can't feel my body nor can I utter a word.
   My mouth is open (I think). I'm turned over onto my stomach. There's a
   rubbing sensation over my back slowly joined by other sensations. A painful
   tingling comes from my arms and legs. I'm breathing in deeply, my release
   of air sounding like a groan. Oh, no! I know what's happened to me. I've
   been Seeking again and my body has paid the price. It's worse this time.

      The alarm clock is still wailing. I am, too. I've gained some strength
   in my arms so I reach for my nightstand, striking the snooze button after
   a few tries. It grows quiet in the room.

      "Mike! Are you alright?"

      "Yessss." I give the Indian a big hug. His hands squeeze me hard and
   I'm feeling his warmth under me, chest against chest. It feels nice. My
   eyes close but I See a wonderful light in the distance. It Calls to me...
   The temptation is great to return to that place Jesse is. I'm being drawn
   back to him.

      "Mike, stay awake!"

      "Help... me." A sharp slap is felt against my back. And another. I
   open my eyes from the pain and try focusing on Running Water's face.

      I'm shaking my head to clear it. Breaths rush through me that hurts my
   lungs. My face presses into the man's neck. I'm kissing him to show my
   relief and gratitude for bringing me back to life.

      "I'm sorry for striking you, Mike."

      "Just hold me close!"

      Running Water rubs over my back. One of his hands reaches low to slip
   under my underwear. He's fondling my butt. I'm moaning with excitement
   and start rubbing my cock against his. We're both getting hard.

      The pins and needles in my limbs is replaced by a fiery warmth. My
   urgent need centers in the front lower middle of me. I'm pulling my body
   over the Indian. His long soft hair is felt against my arms. Kisses. Not
   on the mouth but they enflame me to make love.

      My underwear is pulled down. A coolness is felt over my butt while the
   front of me presses against blazing warmth. Hands return to my humping,
   urging my cock thrusts against his. They feel so good.

      I'm trying to push my hands through the Indian's hair to grasp his neck.
   They become tangled. I hold onto his shoulders instead. The man's body
   below me is like stormy ocean waves. My body rolls violently from that
   lusty rhythm. He pulls over my flexing cheeks in beat to our stabs.

      An alarm pierces the air. A frightened shudder goes through both of us.
   I'm feeling angry at the interruption. Then relief. I'm lowered onto my
   right side in the bed. Running Water switches off the clock's alarm.

      We stare at each other. I see the Indian gasping for breath that pains
   him. No. He reveals shame on his face. Tears fill my eyes to see that.
   "Don't feel bad." The man's dark eyes are seeking something from me.

      "Mike. Are you alright?"

      I'm nodding. I wipe my face dry and try to be strong, for him. I wet
   my lips and ask, "Why did you... stop?"

      "You came back. That's all I was trying to do."

      Running Water's face is very emotional. It is endearing to see his
   utter self expressed. An understanding comes to me. "Your grandfather
   asked you to be with me." I've emphasized the word 'with'.

      "Yes."

      "I'm glad." I release my held breath. "You are acting as an anchor for
   me, aren't you? Until I'm with Jesse again." Running Water nods. His eyes
   go low on me. I look at his hard cock. The man quickly pulls up his
   underwear. I'm reaching down to cover myself too.

      A play of emotions pass over the Indian's face. His eyes take on an
   inwards look as I imagine him remembering something. Ron. "You dreamed
   about him last night."

      "I was with him again," he whispers.

      Tears fill Running Water's eyes. Such longing fills his face. I see how
   much that he loved him. It's a similar expression I've seen from Jesse for
   me. I wipe the tears from his eyes. They close tightly.

      After a long moment, the Indian regains his composure. He opens his eyes
   and looks at me. I offer him an understanding smile.

      "You are kind, Mike."

      It's difficult to hear him say that. The man's eyes flare. I look past
   him at the clock. It's 8:14am. "You're worried about being late for work."

      "You know what I'm thinking."

      I'm shaking my head. "It's like your family's ability to read people."
   A sly smile comes to my lips. "Jesse knows you very well." A haunted look
   comes into his eyes. "Don't worry. I'll not Seek him out. When he sees me
   today, I'll warn him about it."

      "See him today?" asks Running Water.

      I'm surprised that I've said that. I know that Jesse is going to see
   me! Such happiness fills me. I'm not sure how he'll get away from his
   mother or when it'll happen. I just do. I'm expecting Running Water to ask
   me not to. It's there on his face but he doesn't voice his objection. He
   knows that we need to be together. Soon.

      "Jesse doesn't realize what he's doing," I explain. "He pulls me to him
   without knowing the danger to me but I'll tell him." Running Water nods.

      I kick the blanket from our legs and sit up. Running Water rolls away
   from me. He gets out of bed. My eyes fall to the nice curves showing
   through his underwear. I'm regretting that we didn't complete our hug.

      "Can you find me an old shirt that I can wear?"

      I'm startled from my thoughts. "Yes." I rush out of bed and go to my
   chest of drawers. There are lots of white t-shirts. Running Water shakes
   his head when offering him one.

      "Do you have something dark?" Running Water is pulling up his jeans.

      I dig deeper until finding a black long-sleeved shirt. He nods. I'm
   slipping on one of the t-shirts for warmth while he's buttoning himself up.
   After the man has his shoes on, he heads for the kitchen. I follow him.

      Running Water opens my refrigerator. I'm embarrassed that there's not
   much in there. He grabs the egg carton, butter and a loaf of bread. I get
   a skillet and put it on the stove, lighting the burner for him.

      While the scrambled eggs are cooking, he toasts four pieces of bread.
   I've gotten the coffee maker started. I note the rush in him. He's skipped
   taking a shower so that he'll have time for breakfast before going to work.

      We sit down to eat our egg sandwiches. The Indian watches me drinking
   milk after each bite with a grimace. "You don't drink milk?" I ask.

      "Not since I was a baby."

      I open my mouth wide to show off my teeth. "I have no cavities. That
   comes from drinking milk. It's good for the bones, too." Running Water
   smiles. He takes a sip of coffee. I notice again how long his arms are.
   "Do you have Marfan's Syndrome like Jesse?"

      "Yes. But not as severe."

      Worry squeezes my heart. "Will Jesse die of it?" I whisper. The Indian
   lowers his sandwich and takes a deep breath.

      "Marfan's weakens the connective tissues in our bodies. That's why we
   have long arms and legs. The abdomen stretches. One of my uncles has a
   detached cornea. You should see the horny bumps in his feet sticking out
   below his big toes."

      "I've heard that it weakens the heart, too."

      "Yes. That's why Jesse must be careful not to exert himself. He's
   prevented from participating in sports."

      I look down at my empty plate. "Should we be careful when... we make
   love?" Running Water smiles. I was not expecting to see that from him.

      "His heart would break if you didn't."

      I grin shyly.

      "Jesse is young. You don't have to worry about it until he's fifty or
   so. By then..."

      "I'll never want to stop making love to him."

      Running Water laughs. He empties his mug and gets up from the table.
   "I'll clean up later." I follow him into the front room. He pulls on his
   coat. Gloves are sticking out of one pocket but he doesn't put them on.

      "Mike. I could hotwire your motorcycle if you need to ride it."

      "No. It's too cold outside. I'm going to stay home." He still doesn't
   know that my bike has an engine lock. I don't want to tell him. "I'll be
   okay here. Really." The Indian slowly nods his head.

      We head towards the door. I pull on Running Water's right arm to get
   him to turn to me. We embrace. "Thank you for being with me last night."
   His arms tighten around my back. "You are a good man," I whisper. My
   right hand falls to squeeze his butt. Our hug ends.

      Running Water goes out the door. A blast of cold air comes in that sends
   me running back to my bedroom. I'm reaching out to the warmth of my heater
   as if it were a campfire. A smile comes to my lips. Jesse is seeing me
   today! I should shower.

      I head for the bathroom. In front of the toilet, my underwear is pulled
   down. My hard cock is revealed when I take a piss. I'm tempted to handle
   myself. That Indian really turns me on! No. I'll save myself for Jesse.

      My shower is only warm. Something is wrong with the water heater so I'll
   ask the park's manager to check on it. I dry off then streak to my bedroom.
   Standing in front of the heater finishes drying my hairy body. I'm often
   looking down at myself, admiring my lean form. My stomach is tight and
   muscles bulge from my legs. Hiking has done that. I twist myself to try
   catching a glimpse of my butt. A thrill goes through me. Will Jesse want
   to fuck it? A swelling comes from the front of me at the thought of doing
   each other. I long to fulfill our love in each other.

      I put on some clothes and head for the kitchen. Our breakfast dishes
   are washed. When returning the eggs, butter and bread to the refrigerator,
   I'm reminded that I'll have to buy groceries. Then I remember that I'm
   without my wallet (money and credit cards) or the keys to my motorcycle.
   I really am stuck in this trailer.

      My phone rings. I'm rushing to the bedroom and pick up.

      "Hi, Mike."

      "Hello." It's Running Water. I think I know why he's calling. I've heard
   the concern in his voice.

      "Are you alright?"

      "Yes. Thanks for asking."

      "I'm going to be on the road for a while making a delivery. Don't think
   too much about Jesse."

      "I know." There's a pause on the line.

      "Winna needs some more time to think about what's happened. Don't try
   to see her, Mike. Okay?"

      Running Water is really asking me not to see Jesse. He remembers what
   I've told him this morning. "I know that. When will your grandfather speak
   with her?"

      "Not until Thursday."

      That's when he's going to see me. What is so important that the shaman
   can't see Winna or me until then? I'm afraid to ask him.

      "Mike?"

      "Yeah?"

      "Are you okay with what happened?"

      Is Running Water referring to yesterday at his cousin's house when we
   embraced or what didn't happen in bed this morning? I realize that he's
   using the phone at work. He can't be specific because of the fear of being
   overheard. "You are my brother," I answer after the long silence.

      "I'll see you tonight, after seven."

      "Okay." The line goes dead. I'm feeling mixed emotions from our call.
   The phone is set back into its cradle. I look at my clock. It's 10am.

      I lean my head against the edge of my bed. I'm feeling a bit tired from
   last night even though I'd slept well. Even with a half naked Indian in my
   bed! He was really hot this morning, our belly rub that almost ended with
   a wet result. If not for that stupid alarm clock! We could have continued
   it but he held himself back. Something his grandfather told him, I think.

      They now both realize that Ron's ring had come to me so that I would
   walk in that man's footsteps but not with Running Water as my lover. I'm
   fingering the small bundle hanging down from my neck. It contains two
   rings. A smile comes to my lips. I can hardly wait for the day when Jesse
   and me will wear them as a couple.

      What of Jesse's uncle? He still wants me and, I'm embarrassed to admit,
   I want him too. He's that Indian warrior from my fantasies that I'd want to
   be with. A strong, good-looking man. And normal. It pains my heart to see
   this lacking in Jesse. If Winna hadn't taken her son to class that night,
   I could have become Running Water's lover. We'd only have to face the
   difficulties of being gay in his tribe. No angry mother keeping him from
   me and all that scary mystical stuff that I'm enduring now.

      I release a sigh. What's happened is done and I must accept it. I do
   love Jesse so! He needs me, my strength through our connection to make
   him whole and I've been given back my humanity because of him. It is a
   difficult path for us to walk, his grandfather had said. We aren't alone.
   That comforts me. Running Water is proving himself to be a good friend.
   My brother. An explosive breath comes out my nose. I'm grinning. I am
   getting to know this man better and he fills my heart with... love.

      My eyes close in denial of that last thought. No. We mustn't! It's what
   I've been telling Jesse about being in love. When you choose someone, you
   stay committed to him both in heart and with sex. He was confused by what
   Ron had done with him. I'm feeling confused by what Running Water is doing
   with me. The man knows this. That's why he stopped himself from having sex
   with me this morning. He did it to keep me from Seeking Jesse. I remember
   his painful slaps to my back. They'd brought me back to my body but our
   embrace led to something more. A thing that shouldn't have happened. I
   release another sigh. We're only human. We must both be on guard from
   allowing our closeness to lead somewhere it shouldn't go. Only for Jesse!

      I'm moping around the trailer. There nothing I can do but wait. Jesse
   is probably going to see me later in the day so I'll need something to do
   to pass the time. My thoughts turn to my laptop. I haven't checked email
   for a few days. Then I remember. It was left at Winna's house.

      I sit down on the couch and turn the TV on. The morning news is all
   about the war in Iraq and the SARS epidemic. Real depressing stuff. I click
   through the few channels showing morning soap operas and a kid's show.
   There really isn't anything good on.

      I put on my coat and walk out of the trailer.

      It's cold outside. My breaths are seen blowing in the air. Snow covers
   the ground in a thick heavy layer. My motorcycle is joined to the trailer
   by a thick blanket of white. I'm glad that Mr. Augusten had given me a
   tarp to protect it. I carefully make my way to the road. It's been plowed.

      Oh, what am I doing out here? I can't ride my motorcycle anywhere. Yet
   I feel the need to get out. I'm missing that sense of freedom I had when
   exploring Montana on my bike, hiking and seeing new sights. Jesse won't
   be over until later. He's probably in school now.

      I'm remembering Running Water's warning to me. I put Jesse out of my
   head. My long strides take me past the cottages until new trailers come
   into sight. I keep walking. When nearing the entrance, a sign announces:
   'Havre Cottage and Trailer Park, manager's office.' That reminds me about
   my failing water heater. I could have the manager take a look at it. Just
   something to do to pass the time until Jesse comes over.

      I walk up to the small trailer. It's an older model, rounded towards
   the top without much length to it for living space. No wheels. It has been
   permanently foundated to the ground. This is where the park's manager lives.

      I ring the bell. Almost immediately, a man opens the door. I'm struggling
   to recall his name. We'd only met once, when he showed me that old trailer
   in back to rent. I've paid my rent by check, dropping it in his mailbox
   outside each month. We've never ran into each other since that day.

      "Hello. What can I do for you?" the man asks.

      "Hi. I'm Mike Yager from..." He's shaking my hand with a grin. He thinks
   I'm a new prospective. "I live in trailer 114-D." His expression changes.
   I continue after a pause. "There's something wrong with my water heater."

      "It could be just the cold weather. Is your water warm at all?"

      "Yes. I'd thought that too but I would appreciate if you could check it
   for me. Maybe set the water heater to a higher setting. I don't know where
   it is in my trailer."

      "In the kitchen, behind an access panel next to the sink."

      "Oh. Okay... but there are some other problems." The man's lips form a
   scrawl. "The electricity in the bedroom doesn't work. I'm having to run an
   extension cord from the bathroom. And there's no heat." I don't mention
   that I'm using portable heaters.

      "All right, Mr. Yager. I'll check on it later for you. How about 5pm?"

      Alarm fills me. I don't want him coming over when Jesse's there. I've
   actually been trying to lead up to telling him that I want to find a new
   place to live. To give notice. "Well, maybe not that late."

      "Tomorrow, then. What time do you want me to come over?"

      I'm shaking my head. I don't really need him to fix all those things
   because I'll be looking for a new place. "I know that a man died in my
   trailer." That should get him to understand what I've been trying to say.

      "Who told you that?"

      The man's voice almost sounded angry. "His family," I blurt out. Well,
   Running Water could be considered family (they were a couple). I notice
   the sudden change in his expression. Fear shows in the man's eyes. "What's
   happened to Mr. Earlman's belongings?" I've decided to press my advantage.

      "Didn't his family take everything?"

      I've heard the lie in his voice. I can lie just as well as he can.
   Hopefully, better. "No. They live too far away." (I have no idea where
   they are. He probably doesn't either.)

      "That's not my problem. How did they contact you?"

      "I'm talking about his Indian family, the Blackfoot Tribe that adopted
   him." The man's fear grows. "Look. All I'm asking is for you to return a
   few of Ron's things. A stereo, mechanic tools and a drum." Jesse had told
   me that his uncle didn't retrieve his belongings from the trailer after
   his lover's death. He was afraid of getting involved with the police.

      "An Indian drum?" I remember coming across that when cleaning out his
   place."

      "I would really appreciate getting that back to his family." I'm
   surprised when the man nods. He doesn't question why I am making this
   request instead of his family.

      "It's in storage. Let me get my coat."

      I wait at his door while rubbing my hands together in anticipation.
   Won't Running Water be glad to have his drum back! I can replace his drum
   I'd dropped on the stage and broke at Sunday's meeting.

      The manager comes outside. He gives me the eye but doesn't utter a word.
   I follow him around to the back of his trailer. He's unlocking a storage
   shed from a large ring of keys.

      "I think it's here," the man grumbles. "Don't know about the stereo."

      I'm keeping quiet. I'd be happy to get Running Water's drum from him.
   Perhaps he's sold Ron's stereo or kept it for himself. After pushing aside
   a bunch of things, the man comes across what he's looking for. It's an
   Indian drum similar to the one I've played at the meeting. Two feet wide,
   a thin cowhide covers a round wooden hoop with many lines of sinew strung
   to a center point. There's a tom-tom set inside it.

      "Is this it?" the man asks.

      I eagerly take it from him. "Thank you." We both notice a small black
   book inside the drum. The tom-tom had been covering it. I see the man's
   eyes widening from remembering something.

      "That was found at the bottom of his chest of drawers in the bedroom.
   It must have fallen out of a drawer or something."

      When I'm reaching for it, the man says something that chills my blood.

      "Perhaps the police should be given it. They'd taken all his other
   paperwork and stuff."

      I'm quickly flipping through the pages. There are handwritten notes but
   not in English. I recognize a few words. "I don't think the police can
   read German." I'm grasping the small notebook tightly in my hands. When it
   seems like he's going to make a fuss over it, I add, "It's probably
   nothing important. His family will appreciate getting it back even though
   you can't find his stereo or mechanic tools..."

      The man's right hand slowly lowers back to his side. He averts his eyes
   from me. We've come to an understanding. "Thank you. I'll set the water
   heater to a higher setting now that I know where it is. There's no need
   for you to bother with coming over to my trailer." He nods in agreement.

      I'm quickly turning from him while carrying the prize in my hands. I
   can hardly wait to see Running Water. Won't he be surprised! I am curious
   about that little book. My German is rusty though. I'll need to pick up a
   dictionary to translate what Ron has written. Maybe it's his diary. Did he
   confess what he's done with Jesse in it? A chilling thought comes to me.
   I wonder if it contains a clue to why he was killed?

      I rush back to my trailer. After pocketing that book, I grasp the looped
   leather handle and beat over the drum with its tom-tom a few times. I'm
   disappointed. There's no booming sound. I'm turning the drum's face towards
   me. No holes or anything wrong that I can find. My fingers press down over
   its stretched cowhide face. There's some give. Oh. It must be the cold. I
   remember reading that the Indians would place fire-warmed blankets over
   their drums at night before playing them.

      After entering my trailer, I set the drum down over the couch. I'm
   pouring over Ron's little book at the kitchen table. There are pages and
   pages of scrawled writing that's difficult to make out. And not because
   of it being in German. Man. What bad handwriting! What I can make out are
   dates at the top of each page. There's a lot of work ahead of me just to
   decipher the cursive letters before translating it from German.

      A chill runs down my spine. I turn to the last written page in his book.
   It's dated: 'Swei und zwanzig November' - that's November 22nd. I'm trying
   to recall when Ron had been killed. Neither Jesse nor Running Water had
   given me a date, only said that it was late last year. I try making out his
   handwriting on this page. From what little German I can recall, it seems
   that Ron had met with someone - Thomas. Three large words catch my eyes:
   'Ich haben es!'

      What did he get from Mr. Thomas?

      I look at the previously dated page. There are four short entries in it
   that are hard to make out because of Ron's bad handwriting. A word sticks
   out: 'Jes.' It's written twice. Could 'Jes' be his nickname for Jesse?

      I'm quickly flipping the pages backwards and come across 'Jes' a few
   more times. I study Ron's entry where he wrote that but the few German
   words I'm able to make out are unknown to me. It's very frustrating!

      I scan those pages at the end of October. That's when Running Water was
   on a weekend retreat with his grandfather. I find 'Jes' written three
   times on a page dated October 27th. Too many unknown German words (along
   with unreadable ones) for me to know what Ron had written. I catch the
   words: 'Inder rituell' that were written in an entry for October 25th. A
   name is given: 'Rennen Wasser'. That has to be Running Water!

      The book is closed. I'm holding it tightly in my hands with my intent
   to learn all of its secrets. But what if Running Water asks to have it?
   I could just give him the drum... Ah, no. This was his lover's diary. I
   really shouldn't be looking at it. Yet it may contain something that may
   help us find out why Ron was shot. He'll need my help in translating the
   German while he can provide me with dates to help me piece together events.

      I peer up at the kitchen ceiling. My eyes wander to both corners as if
   seeking Ron's advice. And his permission to keep his diary.

      I'm scolding myself. It's silly of me to think his ghost would come
   right out and say that it's okay for me to have his diary. Maybe he'll
   tell me in a dream.

      I'm shaking my head violently. I don't want him in my dreams! I've not
   asked to have his ring or all that other spooky stuff. This book is real.
   Ron can tell me things I want to know about Jesse. I'm breathing in
   deeply, trying to come up with a plan to do this even if Running Water
   asks to have his lover's diary back. I run to my bedroom.

      In the back pocket of an old pair of jeans, I grab some folded bills.
   $7 worth. I remember coming across this money a few days ago and not
   returning it to my wallet. It should be enough.

      I'm rushing out of my trailer, down the paved road towards the park's
   entrance. I keep an eye out for the manger. A left turn is made on Winding
   Creek Road. The center of town is some distance away but I should be able
   to find a zerox machine.


      After more than a hour of walking, the houses give way to commercial
   buildings: warehouses, a factory and a bakery that makes my mouth water
   when I breathe in its sweet aromas. That helps put my mind off the bitter
   cold for a moment but it's giving me hunger pains.

      Eventually, I come upon some shops. I'm entering a place that offers
   printing services with my hope that they have a public zerox machine. I
   feel the wonderful heat on my face and hands. Near the counter, I spot a
   coin-operated copying machine.

      A man greets me. He's a middle-aged white man wearing an ink stained
   apron. I set the $7 on the counter before him. "Please. I need coins for
   your zerox machine."

      "Are you making a lot of copies?" he asks.

      I recall that there are at least a few hundred pages in Ron's book.
   Two pages at a time can be copied per pass. "How much for a copy?" I ask.

      "It's ten cents."

      A quick calculation is made in my head. That will allow me to make
   seventy passes with two diary pages per pass - 140 pages total. Maybe not
   enough for the whole book. "I'll need $7 in change, please."

      The man takes my bills and starts setting out piles of quarters on the
   counter. Seven of them. After nodding my thanks, I get to work at the
   zerox machine. I'm making my way backwards through Ron's diary. If I run
   out of money, it will be for his earlier dated entries.

      I take my jacket off when it gets too warm. I've nearly spent $5 already
   on zeroxing. More than half of Ron's diary has been copied but with a
   sinking feeling, I know that I won't have enough money.

      A black lady comes into the shop. She's holding a few papers in her hand
   that I suspect she wants copied. I pause from my task to allow her to go
   ahead. This gives me the opportunity to count the remaining pages in Ron's
   diary. I'm going to need sixteen more copies beyond my funds.

      "Thank you for letting me get in," says the woman. "Looks like you have
   a lot to copy."

      I'm sadly nodding my head. Desperation fills me. "Ma'am. I know you
   don't know me but, could you please loan me $1.60?"

      "For zeroxing?"

      "Yes. I've walked into town with only $7 in my pocket and I really need
   to get this book copied." The black lady studies my face. I'm smiling.

      "Okay." She reaches into her purse.

      "I can leave the money here tomorrow, under your name."

      "No. That's alright. Here."

      I'm given two dollars. "Thank you very much!"

      "It must be a very important book."

      I nod my head, waving goodbye to her while approaching the counter. I'm
   given eight more quarters. The remaining pages to Ron's diary are copied
   leaving me with four nickels. Hmm. I must have miscalculated what I
   needed by two zeroxes. I'm glad that she'd given me those two bills.

      I address the man standing behind the counter. "Do you have a stapler,
   please?" He takes my bundle of zeroxes and binds them with a heavy duty
   stapler. "Thank you." I shove Ron's little book in my pocket while hefting
   the zeroxes under my right arm. I'm not looking forward to walking all the
   way back to my trailer.


      By the time I get back home, both my legs are freezing. My face feels
   badly wind burned. I'm rushing to my bedroom. I take off my jacket and sit
   close to the heater. Relief fills me. I'll be able to tell Running Water
   about his lover's diary and if he wants to keep it, I have a zerox. I'm
   paging through it while warming myself up. It's a good copy, perhaps even
   better to refer to with its dark ink versus the original.

      I glance at my clock. It reads 2:38pm. I'm wondering when Jesse is
   going to see me today? I'd felt his strong intention to do so when we were
   Connected this morning. Is he at home? I fear trying to call him in case
   his mother is taking the day off again today. No. He's probably at school
   and she's working. What time does he get picked up?

      I figure that Running Water is not going to drive him home. Winna is,
   after work. What time does she get off? I remember that Jesse had come
   over last Wednesday at around six. He had walked from his house to tell me
   that his mom was going to drive us to class. Hmm. That means Winna gets
   Jesse home from school at around 5:45pm. He's told me that school ends at
   4pm. If his uncle doesn't pick him up, that leaves more than an hour and a
   half gap in time before his mother picks him up.

      A cold chill runs down my spine. I know what Jesse intends to do! How far
   away is his school? Could he walk that distance? It must be far because he
   has to be picked up. No, Jesse. Don't do it! I remember how cold it was for
   me to walk into town. It took more than an hour! He probably has a longer
   walk and I'm afraid that more than the cold will hurt him. My discussion
   with Running Water this morning comes to mind about Marfan's Syndrome.
   Jesse's condition is more severe and that prevents him from playing in
   sports. What would a long cold walk do to him? Oh, Jesse!

      I rush to my bedroom and pick up my phone. From 411 Information, I get
   the number for Roy's Motorcycles and call. Pete answers.

      "Hi. Is Running Water there, please?"

      "Wait. Let me see if he's returned yet."

      I'm surprised that he didn't ask who was calling. I wait for almost a
   minute before Pete returns on the line.

      "Naw. He's still out."

      "Do you know where?" I ask. I'm trying to keep the edge out of my voice.

      "He's making a delivery. Is it important?"

      "Yes. It's a family concern."

      "Who is this?"

      I'm gritting my teeth. "Mike Yager."

      "Mike... Oh. I remember you. Are you having trouble with your
   motorcycle again?"

      "No. Nothing like that. When you see him, please ask him to call me."
   I give Pete my telephone number.

      "Okay. But I expect him to be gone for a while."

      "Do you know where he is?" I ask. My voice is trembling.

      "In Big Sandy. He's making delivery of a few motorcycles there."

      "Where's that?" I ask.

      "About thirty miles southwest of Havre."

      "Okay. Thanks. Please tell him to call me when you see him. Goodbye."

      "Yeah, bye."

      I'm angrily dropping my phone into its cradle. Then I pick it up again.
   My satchel is grabbed since it contains Jesse's home phone number. By the
   time I find that piece of paper, the phone whines at me for taking too long.
   I hold the phone's lever down for a moment, release, and get a dial tone.
   His number is dialed. After counting to ten rings, I set the phone down in
   defeat. Now I know that no one is home. Jesse is at school (until 4pm)
   and his mother is working. Another idea comes to me. I'm dialing the Havre
   community college's number.

      "Hello."

      "Hi. This is Mike Yager. I'm teaching that MS-Word class at night and I
   need the work number for one of my students."

      "Mr. Yager? Ah. Let me see... Yes. I see your name on the class schedule
   but I'm not going to be able to give out that kind of information over the
   phone. I'm sorry."

      "Is Miss Owens there?" I'm getting desperate.

      "Yes. Please wait while I go find her."

      "Thank you." I'm grasping the phone real tight. I dread having to speak
   with her but I must get Winna's work number. I've not thought about what
   I'm going to say to Winna, even if she'll listen to me but I must prevent
   Jesse from making that long walk in the cold!

      "Hello. This is Miss Owens."

      Panic fills me. What am I going to say to her? "Hi. It's Mike Yager."

      "Oh, Mike. My secretary told me that you need a telephone number for one
   of your students."

      "Yes. Mrs. Winnapah's work number. Please!" I hear Miss Owens saying
   something to her secretary.

      "She's looking for that number now. Is everything alright?"

      I notice the concern in her voice. My urgent request? or because of
   what happened last night. "I must apologize for my behavior."

      "Yes. Well. I hope that Running Water wasn't offended by my decision
   concerning his nephew not being allowed to come to class."

      "No. I'm sorry for what I did. Being abrupt with you and all." I hear
   the secretary telling Miss Owens that the work number is not listed on her
   submission form.

      "I'm sorry, Mike. There is no work number for Mrs. Winnapah. Only her
   home number."

      "I already have it. Thank you."

      "She wasn't in class last night."

      Is Miss Owens asking me or making a comment? I try to keep my voice calm.
   "That's right."

      "What is this all about, Mike?"

      "I can't go into it right now but I promise that I'll explain things
   this Wednesday evening to you."

      "Mike. Is there anything more I can do to help you?"

      "No. Thank you. It's a personal matter that I am trying to deal with."
   I'm already regretting those words out of my mouth.

      "Well. I hope that everything works out. I'll see you tomorrow evening."

      "Goodbye." I lower the phone to its cradle. That had been difficult and
   all for nothing! No. I've made my apology to Miss Owens and I think she has
   a sense of what's going on. She doesn't suspect that it's about Jesse but
   my 'boyfriend' Running Water. Man! I'm dreading tomorrow night's class.
   What am I going to say to her?

      At least I'm spared having to call Winna. It probably would have been a
   really bad idea. Running Water had warned me not to talk to her. Would she
   have believed me if I told her that I suspected Jesse was walking from
   school to my place? I don't know for sure that he is.

      I'm backing my head against the edge of my bed. My eyes close. What are
   you planning to do, Jesse? Never have I felt so helpless in all of my life.

      I spring up from the floor. Running Water had left that clay pot in the
   corner of my room. I kneel down to it, seeing a clump of unburned sage
   within. A ghost of a plan forms in me. I'm running to the kitchen to fetch
   a lighter by the stove. I sometimes have to light the burner manually when
   the pilot light doesn't work. I run back to my bedroom.

      The clay pot is reverently moved to the center of my bedroom. I light
   the sage within. A few deep breaths are taken to calm myself. My arms lift
   unto God when I make my plea: "Please, Lord. Help me Reach out to Jesse.
   I ask that Your hand guard my life when making this urgent journey!"

      I slowly lower my hands back to my lap. The smell of burning sage fills
   my nose. I'm breathing it in. It helps calm me.

      I'm closing my eyes. My ears fill with the sound of my heartbeat. A
   steady rhythm to help center myself. I've not ever done anything like this
   before. Is it even going to work? Then I recall being with Jesse in his
   bedroom when he was sick. I had Sent my thoughts to him, urging him to
   come out from that place deep inside himself. My love had brought him back
   to the living. I' acting now to save him again but I risk my own life.

      I push that concern aside. It's in my Lord's hands, if I'm even able to
   Reach Jesse at all. I think he Called out to me last night when I was
   teaching class. Will he answer my Plea now and not be endangered himself if
   he Comes?

      A part of me thinks I'm being silly. I don't know that Jesse plans on
   walking over to my place from school but I'm worried that he is going to
   and the danger he faces from a long cold walk. Am I risking an even greater
   danger to us both by trying to stop him? Please, Jesse! Hear me...

      I'm startled by an intense sensation. I've Felt him! My heartbeat
   quickens, losing my concentration of being with him. Yet in that brief
   moment, I learned what I dread most. He is already walking. I felt how
   cold he was. I'm reaching out for the clay pot with my hands and grasp it,
   breathing in the soothing sage odor. I breathe in deeply a few times,
   releasing my breaths gently. My heartbeat slows in my ears. I return to a
   calm state from where I can Reach... out... for my lover.

      Jesse senses me. When he tries to draw me to him completely, I pull
   myself back but not before Sending my fear to him about walking so far to
   my place. My fingers tighten around the clay pot in my hands. I open my
   eyes. My sense of him is gone.

      My breaths are trembling. I gently lower the clay pot to the floor.
   Did Jesse Hear me? I'd felt his yearning to see me then his resistance to
   my plea. I'm tempted to try Reaching out to him again.

      No. I've dared too much already. I'm rising to my feet and try getting
   my mind off him. That's what Running Water had asked me to do. Okay. I'm
   wandering around the bedroom in a daze. My good clothes are found at the
   edge of my bed. I hang them over a roped line strung between the walls so
   they can air out before tomorrow night's class. I'm groaning inside when
   remembering what I've promised to Miss Owens. What am I going to tell her?

      The zerox I had made of Ron's diary catches my eye. It's taken to the
   chest of drawers, hidden within under the lowest drawer. I think that's
   where his diary had been found by the trailer park's manager. The police
   had taken all of Ron's other paperwork and stuff. Why did they do that?

      I go to the bathroom. My body stinks with sweat from my long walk into
   town. A shower would be good and it will help keep my mind off things.


      I'm toweling off. Water still runs down my face when I take a piss. The
   shower had been a cold one. Brrr! I streak to the kitchen to find that
   access panel where the water heater can be found. The manager had said it
   was near the sink. It's found. Funny that I've never noticed it before. I
   pry the panel open. A wad of thick yellow insulation falls towards me,
   exposing the controls to my water heater. I turn the red dial to its hottest
   setting. Right away, I hear a 'plink' from the pilot light and there's a
   burst of flames. I'm carefully lifting the insulation back into place by
   its silvery metallic binding. The access plate is closed. I know that the
   next shower I take will be hot. All it took was a simple adjustment.

      There's a knock at my door. Fear rushes through me when I look down at
   myself. Not even a towel to cover myself with! I'm peeking out the window
   to see who it is. The park manager? No. Oh, God. It's Jesse!

      I'm running to the front door and opening it for him. Jesse rushes in
   and gives me a big hug. Tears of joy are in my eyes. His coat feels cold
   against my bare skin but that doesn't matter. Nothing matters. I have my
   lover in my arms!

      "Mike!"

      I'm squeezing Jesse so hard that his next words can barely escape from
   his mouth.

      "I've missed... you!"

      "Me too. Oh, Jesse! I love you so much."

      "I love you too, Mike."

      We're hugging like there's no tomorrow. Our faces turn to each other
   and we kiss. A gentle loving expression of how we're feeling to be together
   again. He's crying too. Our slippery faces press together when we take
   urgent breaths. His hair is felt against my left arm. I'm held tight by his
   padded arms around my back. So cold.

      I firmly push Jesse from me to look at him. He's peering shyly at me,
   almost as if he expects that I'm going to yell at him or something. I'm
   not. There's such happiness and relief in me to see him!

      "Mike. You're not wearing a stitch. Aren't you cold?"

      I burst out laughing. "I was going to ask if you were cold!" My
   expression turns serious. "It was foolish of you to walk all the way here
   from school."

      "I didn't. When I reached the Shell gas station, I called for a taxi.
   Hope you don't mind."

      Jesse pulls out my wallet and keys from his coat pocket. He hands them
   over to me.

      "I've never taken a taxi before," he whispers. "It cost $20. I took the
   money from your wallet so I hope you won't get mad. I can pay you back."

      "No! That's alright. You did the right thing because I was worried about
   you walking so far in the cold weather."

      In a mere whisper, "I know."

      Our eyes meet in secret understanding. A cold chill runs down my spine.
   I take Jesse by the hand and lead him to my bedroom. He's smiling. We don't
   go to bed. I'm stripping off his coat and together, we sit around the heater
   to get warm. My wallet and keys were set down on the carpet.

      Jesse reaches for my hand. We look at each other intently. I have so
   much to tell him!

      "I know, Mike. Me too." His eyes narrow in concentration.

      There's a spilling sensation in my head. My eyes widen from what I think
   Jesse is doing. He nods to confirm my suspicions. Everything that's happened
   to me after we were parted on Sunday goes to him. Not as specific thoughts.
   I can't explain it. My head fills with images of what he's been doing. How
   angry his mother was when they talked on Monday all day long while they
   were at home. Most of all, I know how much Jesse has been missing me. Yet
   he's Felt me deep inside him and that's helped calm his fears.

      "Jesse?" He knows what I'm going to tell him but I voice it anyway.
   "That Connection between us. Ah. It can be dangerous. I've been drawn to
   you a few times but that's left my body feeling weak."

      Jesse slowly nods. "I've Felt you come to me. I didn't know that was
   hurting you until now. I'm sorry!"

      I reach my right hand around Jesse's neck, pulling him to my chest.
   "You didn't know. Running Water looked after me when... it happened."

      "I Heard you in my head this afternoon warning me about the cold and
   not wanting me to walk so far. That's why I took a taxi."

      "I'm glad you did." I'm stroking over Jesse's long hair. He kisses my
   breast and an exciting thrill rushes through me. I'm feeling our urge to
   make love.

      Jesse quickly strips out of his clothes. My eyes drink in every part
   of him: his smooth brown skin, erected nipples, the unusual length to his
   arms and legs, and I see the longing on his face. I'm wiping tears from my
   eyes to see him looking at me that way. When he pulls down his underwear,
   my eyes go to his dick. It's standing along his groin with the rosy knob
   popped out from its foreskin. He's looking at my erection for him. I smile.
   We go to each other.

      Our arms wrap loving around each other. Jesse has been brought into my
   lap with his legs folding around my butt. We kiss. A deep, wonderful drink
   of each other that makes our hearts burst! We have never felt so intense.
   There is no sense of separation of feelings or bodily sensations. In this
   moment, we are together as one being.


      I return to myself. Breaths race through my mouth while Jesse pants
   against my neck. Our love making had been intense. Almost like a half
   remembered dream that leaves you feeling happy without knowing why. When I
   look down, I see white streaks over my belly and his. I'm enjoying the
   afterglow of male relief. But mostly, I'm so happy! This feeling endures
   long after the physical act. This is how true love is. From our special
   connection, we are joined from more than our hearts, bodies and our
   emotions. Our spirits are one.

      I'm trembling. Jesse takes my right hand and he squeezes it.

      "Mike!"

      "I know." He smiles at me and I sense the awe in him too.

      "We need to see my grandfather."

      Jesse knows that we need guidance on how to control what's happening
   to us, the Seeking part when we're separated so my body won't be hurt. I'm
   nodding my head with understanding. I tear my eyes from his to look at the
   clock. I reads 4:48pm. Winna should be told where he is so she won't worry.

      "Okay. I'll call her, Mike."

      Our eyes meet. I can't stop looking at him. And him, me. Yet we manage
   to get to our feet and hand in hand, we go to the side of my bed where the
   phone is. Jesse dials a number.

      "Winna? Eh-la et me-atos school um..."

      I feel Jesse's hand squeezing mine hard. He's telling his mother where
   he is and asking her not to be angry. I can't hear what Winna is saying...
   Goose bumps rise over my skin. They're speaking in Siksika yet I can
   understand every word that he is saying.

      "I'll go home now. Bye."

      I've heard Jesse end the call by saying 'How' but my head knows it means
   'goodbye'. My eyes widen when he turns to me.

      "I have to go home."

      Jesse knows that I heard what he's said to his mom. He doesn't share my
   surprise and utter joy because of his worry. I feel this in him. He's torn
   by being with me and making his mother mad for doing so. We slowly get to
   our feet. I embrace my lover and try shooing his fears away.

      "I'll walk you home."

      Jesse squeezes me harder. He's glad, but worries if Winna sees me that
   she'll yell and make a bad scene that will scare me away. I kiss his left
   shoulder and Think to him. 'We are always together in spirit. I may be
   separated from you for a time but we will see each other again. Be patient.
   I love you!' In my head, I feel him giving me his love that is more than
   the mere speaking of words.


      We are almost running down the road through my trailer park. Jesse has
   tried to hold hands with me but he realizes that people may see us. It
   also aches my heart not to be able to hold his hand.

      "I'll give you your laptop when I get home."

      "Okay. Ah, Jesse?" He turns to me. "Your mother is going to be mad.
   Don't say anything that will upset her even more. She will also be very
   worried about you."

      "That we were together?"

      "Yes. But she's also going to be concerned about you walking in the
   cold. I sure was. Tell her that you came to my place by taxi. That shows
   her how you acted smart even though she won't like that we saw each other.
   Ah. What I'm trying to say is that you must act like an adult in front of
   her. Don't yell. Let your mature actions speak for you and maybe she'll
   come to realize that her son has grown up."

      "I know what you're telling me, Mike."

      "Good. Your grandfather will see Winna on Thursday. Let him say the
   words that you cannot."

      We turn right on Winding Creek Road. I'm looking around to see if
   there's anyone near when Jesse grabs my hand. Our thoughts join. Not as
   specific if we were to speak words to each other. It's a stronger form of
   communication that I'm becoming used to. We exchange ideas. Jesse more
   easily gets what I am Sending to him while I have to struggle with Hearing
   his thoughts.

      Jesse's house comes into sight. We're both relieved that the driveway
   is empty. Winna hasn't come home yet. My hand is tugged on when he races
   to the front door. I sense his concern about something. Oh. He doesn't
   have a key to get in.

      At that moment, we hear a truck pulling into the driveway. I release
   Jesse's hand, turn, and with dread watch Winna's brown Ford coming to a
   stop. I hear a startled gasp from Jesse.

      "Shh. It's going to be alright."

      Winna closes her door with a bang. I'd felt that all the way down to my
   bones. My eyes fall to her purse swinging from her right hand. It's
   shouldered. The woman turns to us with her long hair swinging to her back.
   She walks to the house with her eyes on Jesse; I'm ignored.

      I step out of Winna's way when she comes to her front door. Jesse stands
   on the other side of her. Already, I'm feeling our separation. It's a
   terrible aching, especially when I see worry in my lover's eyes. The door
   opens. She goes in, Jesse chasing after her.

      I'm wondering if I should go. Jesse was going to get me my laptop but
   I don't want it to turn into a scene. Winna is saying something down the
   hall. Jesse answers in a calm voice. Good. I'm turning from the open door
   and walk towards the driveway. Footsteps are heard running up behind me.

      "Mike. Here's your laptop."

      I'm taking it from Jesse's hands. "Thank you." We don't dare hug
   because I can see Winna standing on the porch. Glaring. Our touching hands
   linger for a moment around my laptop. The intense emotions coming through
   from Jesse are difficult for me to handle. I Send him assurance and love.

      "Jes-ee-ah."

      Winna's call was not loud or angry. 'Show your mother love and respect,'
   I Send to Jesse before our hands separate. He looks at me for a moment
   longer. I'm feigning a grin. I don't know if he's Heard me but he turns
   and goes to her.

      It takes much effort but I manage to turn from watching Jesse joining
   his mother by the door. I'm hefting the weight of my laptop in my right
   hand. One foot is slowly placed in front of the other. I'm walking away.
   A steady pace since there's no reason for me to run.

      I turn left on Winding Creak Road. I'm noticing the deep snow over the
   curb after a few steps. I walk into the street where Jesse and I had come
   down. A house is passed. That's when I burst into tears.


      I don't remember my walk back to the trailer. I'm sitting on the couch.
   My jacket is still on. The remote control on the low table catches my eye
   but I'm feeling too stunned to get it. I stare at the blank TV screen.

      I take a deep breath. That helps clear my head.

      I'm feeling the urge to take a piss. My right foot catches on something
   on the floor. Oh, it's my laptop bag. I carry it with me to the bathroom,
   clutching it like a lover. I feel the allure of burying myself in it. A way
   to avoid the pain I'm feeling and my loneliness. It's dropped to the floor
   near my bedroom door. I vow not to touch it until tomorrow when I'm feeling
   better. It can't be used as a crutch anymore.

      After relieving myself, I go to my bedroom with my laptop bag in hand.
   I'm digging through it. A smile comes to my lips. The black trash bag is
   opened and within I find a pair of underwear. It's brought to my lips. Ah,
   sweet smelling. It contains our love seed from Sunday morning. I reverently
   carry it to my bed and place it over the pair of underwear set beside my
   pillow. Jesse and I had wiped the wet result from our last embrace with it
   not even an hour ago.

      I sit down over the edge of my bed. My right hand clutches these small
   reminders of our love. How different our embraces were from Sunday and
   today. I'd struggled to perform as a man in Jesse's arms that first time.
   Today, it just happened. I'm trying to remember how. I stare at the floor
   next to the heater. We were sitting naked there. Jesse was in my lap
   facing me with our bodies as close as they could be. We kissed. I touch my
   lips, tingling from that sweet memory.

      What I can't remember is what happened until we came. Only the joy of
   being together, utterly together that fills me such joy that I'm aching to
   recall that intense feeling! It was... love. Not that simple expression
   from our bodies but being With him in every way. We were One.

      A part of me feels scared. I should remember it happening. How our dicks
   must have been rubbing together towards climax, that intense sensation of
   release but I can't. Another part of me understands and I realize it's the
   little voice in me that I've ignored for too long - my spirit.

      After removing my shoes and jacket, I lay over my bed. I'm smiling,
   feeling the completion to myself that Jesse has brought me. 'Thank you,
   Lord. You've brought him safely to me this day. We loved. I have found my
   human self because of it. Happiness!' My eyes close with utter contentment.
   I know that another day will come to us even better than today.


      I'm shaken awake. Running Water is crouched over me with concern on his
   face. I smile to assure him that I'm alright.

      "Mike?"

      "I was only sleeping. I saw Jesse today."

      "What happened?"

      Running Water reveals regret in his eyes after asking me that. I'm not
   ashamed to share with him. He's my brother.

      I begin by telling Running Water how worried I was for Jesse when
   realizing that he was going to walk to my place from school being so
   cold outside! I'd tried reaching him at Roy's Motorcycles to tell him to
   stop Jesse from doing that. Regret shows on the Indian's face. I smile to
   assure him that it's alright. I'd been told that he was making a delivery
   in Big Sandy. He hears how I called the Havre community college to get
   Winna's work number. That makes him flinch. I explain that I couldn't get
   her number but my apology was given to Miss Owens with my promise to
   explain things tomorrow night after class. He nods his head slightly.

      I sit up in bed. I'm pointing down at the clay pot on the floor when
   telling Running Water how I performed a ritual to Reach out for Jesse to
   warn him not to walk so far in the cold. That he must have Heard me because
   he took a taxi. Joy fills my voice when I describe being with Jesse at the
   front door, in my bedroom on the floor... I don't hold much back from him.

      The Indian's eyes widen in disbelief when I tell him about Jesse's
   phone call to his mom. How I could understand what he'd spoken in Siksika.
   He tests me by speaking something in Indian. I shake my head. I'm explaining
   that it was my connection to Jesse that allowed me to understand his words.

      My smile fades when describing what happened in front of Jesse's house.
   Running Water shows relief that there wasn't a scene. He agrees with how
   I've asked Jesse to behave in front of his mom. No yelling, but to love and
   respect her. To act like an adult. He knows that his grandfather is coming
   over on Thursday to speak with Winna.

      Running Water grasps my shoulder. He's glad that everything turned out
   well and almost, I'm tempted to share with him the most wonderful part.
   How Jesse and I had loved completely. My reluctance prevents me though.
   It sounds too fantastic.

      "I have a surprise for you." Running Water peers back towards the front
   room. "Oh. You've already seen it."

      "How did you get it, Mike? That's my drum I'd left behind after..."

      I tell him how I met with the trailer park's manager to complain about
   my water heater. How through cleverness, I managed to get it from him.
   Instead of showing happiness, I see the Indian's frown. My eyes drop from
   his when I also tell him that I have Ron's diary. I'm pulling it out of my
   pocket to show him.

      Running Water glances through the pages. He slowly shakes his head.

      "I can't make the words out."

      "That's because Ron wrote it in German. I know some."

      "Mike. Your manager may tell the police about what you have."

      "No. We have an understanding," I explain. "He suspects that I know
   about him keeping your mechanic tools and stereo. If I don't raise a stink
   about it, he'll keep silent about that little book. He doesn't know it's
   a diary; only something written in German. Of no real importance." My eyes
   flare to warn Running Water that I believe otherwise.

      I open my hand. Running Water returns it to me. "I'll get a German
   dictionary and will try translating what he wrote. It will be difficult.
   I can't read a lot of his hand writing."

      "It's important that you do, Mike. Especially what he wrote in November
   before he... died."

      I'm nodding my head. "Ron's last entry is on the twenty second." I stare
   at Running Water. His eyes confirm that his lover was killed close to that
   date so I ask him to tell me. The Indian closes his eyes in pain.

      "It was on Saturday, November 23rd. I don't know the time."

      "You know that the police shot him."

      "That's what we suspect, Mike. If you learn anything from his diary that
   could explain why he was killed, tell me immediately!"

      "I will, Running Water. I swear it!" I'm flipping through the pages to
   Ron's last entry. I point out the last words he'd written. "'I have it!'
   That's what's written here. In the sentence above that I've not translated
   yet, a name appears. Do you know a Mr. Thomas?"

      "No. What do you think Ron meant?"

      "I don't know." We're both staring at that page as if the meaning might
   come to us. I glare at the Indian. "Ron also wrote the name 'Jes' in some
   of his pages. Pain fills Running Water's eyes.

      "That was his nickname for Jesse."

      I'm nodding my head. "I'll work on translating Ron's diary starting
   backwards from his last entry and I'll tell you immediately if I find
   anything important."

      "Thank you, Mike."

      A yawn fills my mouth. I glance at the bed, a sly grin forming on my
   lips. "I'm tired. Maybe we should go to sleep." Running Water tears his
   eyes from the little book to look at me. He nods, slowly. Ron's diary is
   placed on my nightstand, reminding me to set the alarm for 8am. I notice
   the time - 7:36pm. It's earlier than I'd usually go to bed but I am tired.
   We could spend some time talking together in the dark, holding hands...

      I strip off my shirt. I'm pulling down my jeans when the Indian leaves,
   much to my surprise. Maybe he has to turn out the light in my front room
   or he's going to watch television while I go to sleep. Disappointment
   fills me.

      I'm getting under the blanket. When reaching for my pillow, my hand
   touches upon the underwear. I tuck them beneath it, out of sight. A toilet
   is heard flushing. Running Water enters the bedroom. He stands at the foot
   of my bed to undress. I'm trying not to be too obvious about watching him.
   His tattoos draw my eyes after removing the shirt I'd loaned him this
   morning. The Indian bends over, untying his shoes. He quickly pulls down
   his jeans. I catch the bulge showing in front of his underwear.

      Running Water walks to his side of the bed and when getting under the
   covers, I reach for the lamp and switch it off. It's warm under our
   blanket. No need for him to embrace me like last night. I'm stretching my
   body when another yawn comes. The Indian lies quietly next to me.

      "Is it okay if we talk for a while?" I plead. "It's still early."

      "Sure, Mike."

      I think about what we can discuss. "I'm going to have to explain things
   to Miss Owens after class tomorrow night. I don't know what I should say."

      "What did you tell her on the phone?" asks Running Water.

      "Not much. But she knows that I was trying to get Winna's work number
   because I said it was a personal concern. She apologized for making her
   decision about not allowing Jesse to come to class. I think that was to
   be passed on to you. She didn't know that you were Jesse's uncle when she
   told me and thinks you might be mad. She'd asked me if Winna had attended
   class. I told her that she hadn't." Now the tricky part. "Ah. She probably
   suspects that we're boyfriends."

      "Yes. I can see why she thinks that."

      My hand is grasped. That causes me to laugh but I quickly stop myself.
   Running Water might not think that was funny. "I am not going to tell her
   that Jesse is."

      "I agree. I'm wishing that were true, Mike but I'll settle with being
   your brother."

      "And my good friend!" I squeeze the man's hand. A long moment of silence
   passes before Running Water speaks again.

      "Do you regret what happened at my cousin's house?"

      "No." My thoughts turn to what didn't happen in bed this morning. I
   remember his phone call to me this morning. He'd asked me if I was okay
   with what happened. Maybe he regrets that we didn't complete our embrace.
   I am.

      I'm a little scared for having admitted that to myself. I love Jesse!
   Yet what we've shared, especially this afternoon can never match anything
   this man and I could do together. It would only be sex. No. We'd be
   expressing our close friendship that is a kind of love for each other. I
   know that this man cares for me. A lot. He's more grown up than me and can
   separate the act of love from actually being in love as Jesse and I are
   to each other. My breaths are trembling. When Jesse asked me to be with
   his uncle, I'd thought it was because he was feeling guilty for being with
   Ron but now I know that wasn't so. He wants me to be with Running Water
   because this man needs me and, I'm ashamed to admit, I have an attraction
   to him that can't be denied. Jesse knows. He accepts that about me.

      I start rubbing my thumb over his. I'm going to take the plunge.
   "Running Water?"

      "Yes?"

      My mouth opens but I can't get words to come out. I don't know how to
   say what I want so I'm pulling on Running Water's hand, turning myself
   towards him under the blanket. He turns on his side. Our arms go around
   each other in an embrace. Chest against chest. It feels good.

      "Be with me. It's okay, because Jesse said we can and I know how much
   you care for me but it's not love and..."

      "Shh, Mike."

      Running Water's right hand rubs over my back. His other hand is around
   my neck, bringing my face to his chest. I smell him. An attractive sweaty
   smell that gets my hard dick tingling. I'm feeling his male excitement
   against me. Was he waiting for me to, for us to... His hand roams down and
   slips under my underwear to grasp my butt. I breathe in sharply. He remains
   still against me as if waiting for something.

      I reach down to hold the man's butt. It feels soft and warm under my
   palm. Not as nicely curved as Jesse's but sexy. I remember how it felt
   when I'd fucked him in the kitchen. I've completed myself in Jesse when
   we were in his mother's garage. I couldn't do that with this man.

      "I went to my cousin's house after making my delivery in Big Sandy,"
   Running Water whispers. "It was close by. I missed not sharing the hot tub
   with you, Mike."

      My breath trembles. I remember him showing me that 'special feature' in
   the hot tub. Does he want me to fuck him? I feel a sharp urge to but it
   doesn't seem right, that I'd be betraying my love for Jesse like Ron did
   by fucking his lover's nephew behind his back.

      I feel my underwear being pulled down to my legs. After a moment's
   hesitation, I pull his down. Our bodies come back together in naked warmth.
   Our cocks are touching. The thrill from it has me panting for breath but
   I'm shy about rubbing them together. He doesn't thrust. Our hands are
   wrapped around each other's backs. No way to make suggestive pulls over our
   butts, I realize.

      I'm turning my head so that I can breathe in fresh air. Not that I don't
   mind smelling this Indian. His sweaty body enflames me so much! It has me
   struggling for breath and that's why I needed to pull away from his chest.
   My nose gets tickled by his long hair. I playfully bite at his lengths with
   my teeth clicking together.

      "I don't need a haircut, Mike."

      I've heard the humor in Running Water's voice. That helps put me at
   ease. I know that he has hair down there. It would be too bold of me to
   kiss down his body until my face was pressed against his groin, lips taking
   his cock into my mouth. I've never sucked on anyone before. Not unless you
   count what I did to that gelded horse in Hogeland. Oh. I remember tasting
   Jesse's knob after we'd come out between my thighs. He'd mouthed my oozing
   dick first.

      I'm not going to do that with Running Water. Our embrace will give the
   man his necessary release and if I cum too, that's okay. My head needs to
   sort things out. If my heart feels that it's alright to perform other sex
   acts together, we'll do them. Later.

      I reach down for the Indian's smooth butt. I'm pulling over it and feel
   his hand coming to mine. Our cocks begin to rub. Nicely. Not that wild rush
   I'd felt in his arms when we were doing it in the kitchen. He was raping
   me then. We're embracing like that time together on the platform below the
   hot tub. Both wanting it to happen, like I do now.

      Running Water sets the beat of our thrusts with his hand over my ass.
   My cock enjoys doing battle with this Indian's spear. He moans lustfully.
   I realize that he has no one else to make love to. That's one of the
   reasons why Jesse wants me to be with him. I accept this man's need. I'm
   not doing this for myself. Guilt fills me when realizing that I'm not being
   honest with myself because I do have an attraction for him. He has taught
   me things that Jesse can't. What I learn will be passed onto my lover to
   enhance what we have together.

      I feel Running Water's face pressing into my neck. His long hair spills
   to my face with silky smoothness. My harsh breaths blow it away, tickling
   my eyes by his hair's displacement. I'm attracted to a man who wears his
   hair long like a woman. It doesn't lessen his masculinity. That's part of
   being an Indian, the kind from the past who retains their sense of freedom
   and primitive wildness.

      I'm struggling to keep hold of the man in my arms. His body is staining
   for release, a ferocious display of manhood that makes me grin. He is that
   Indian warrior I've always imagined: strong, proud and forceful. A physical
   display of his power with a noticeable lacking though. His spirit is
   trapped within him, beyond reach of joining my spirit so our hearts cannot
   truly be as one. Not like Jesse.

      There's a deep inwards gasp heard from Running Water. His whole body
   shudders in my arms and a revealing throb from his cock against mine. He's
   cumming. I hold the Indian during his intense moment and share in his joy
   that's more than male release. He's had me.

      My cock notices the slipperiness of his. I'm feeling intense but not
   quite reaching that point where I'll cum. In a way, I'm relieved. Running
   Water is catching his breath. He fondly kisses the left side of my face. I
   return that gesture with my fond pat to his butt.

      We rest together for a while in each other's arms.

      When Running Water tries pulling away, I keep my tight grip of him. He
   smells good and I don't want our embrace to end yet.

      "Your bed is going to get wet."

      A smile comes to my lips. "I don't mind." I'm falling onto my back with
   the Indian resting his head over me. I like the feel of his hair against
   my chest. He didn't notice that I couldn't cum or he's not mentioning that
   to my relief. My left hand squeezes his arm.

      "Mike. I didn't know that white guys can be so tender."

      What an odd remark from him. "Wasn't Ron..." My mouth shuts tightly.

      "Yes. But I thought he was different from other white folk. He had an
   interest in my culture and respected it. Not like others who..."

      I know what he's talking about. I've seen this myself in town by the
   obvious segregation of our cultures. I think that comes from our not
   understanding each other, the differing beliefs, values and how we live.
   Few people make the effort to bridge that gap. I wet my lips and speak.

      "We see Indians as those fierce warriors from the past. The scalping.
   Our fear of you keeps us separated. But there's also a feeling of shame
   for how your people were treated by ours."

      "Yes, Mike. Many of us hate white folk because bad memories from that
   time are passed down by our Elders. We can't trust you."

      "If only there was more understanding between us. And love." The Indian
   kisses my breast. My nose pains me when I prevent my tears from coming. I
   try to accept his forgiveness. It is difficult! We've done so many bad
   things to the Indians, are still doing them. Ron was trying to undo some
   of that.

      "My tribe adopted him into our tribe because of his good heart."

      He can read my thoughts! It's too dark for Running Water to see my face
   or gather clues from my body language. He must share Jesse's ability!

      "Only a little, Mike. I've not told anyone that I can. Not even to Ron."

      "But... why? It's a wonderful gift!" My question goes unanswered. His
   arms tighten around my shoulder and there's a painful squeezing to my left
   arm. I sense this man's fear.

      "Don't tell anyone. I've only been able to do this with those close to
   me, when we're touching."

      I'm nodding. Something comes to me that I should ask him. "Do you know
   what Ron did to anger the police?"

      "No."

      I move my face closer to Running Water's until our noses touch. I've
   sensed his lie. "Tell me. I want to help you find your lover's murderer."
   The Indian breathes in deeply. It's released against my face without any
   words spoken that I was hoping to hear. Another breath fills his lungs.

      "Mike. I cannot speak about it. I'm under vow."

      "Does Jesse know?" I gently ask.

      "Only what he's told you. My nephew took that from my head without me
   knowing. When you mentioned the police shooting Ron, I realized what he'd
   done. That knowledge endangers the both of you!"

      A cold chill runs down my spine. My clever trick to get Ron's diary from
   the park manager turns sour in my belly. My intent was only to get his drum
   back. Running Water pulls from my arms. He gets out of bed and walks out of
   my bedroom. I'm left with a bad feeling about it.

      The toilet flushes in the bathroom but Running Water doesn't return to
   bed. I wait for a while longer. There's a slow booming heard coming from
   the front room. I'm listening to the Indian's sad drumming, considering if
   I should go to him. He probably wants to be left alone. With his memories.


      I'm startled awake late in the night. I was dreaming. Already fading
   from my head, I struggle to remember what had scared me. It was a gun shot!
   I'm reaching for Running Water in the dark. He's sleeping beside me. A sigh
   of relief comes from me. It's quiet in the room so my sense of panic ebbs.
   My thoughts return to my dream. I remember seeing Ron seated at the kitchen
   table with a small black book in his hand. A page was torn out. The writing
   was consumed by flames on the stove but not before I'd glimpsed them.

      I slip from bed and search my nightstand. My hand closes upon Ron's
   diary and it's taken to the bathroom. I'm sitting on the toilet, turning
   to the last entry but that page doesn't draw my attention. I look to see if
   the next page had been torn out. I find no indication of this.

      I'm beginning to question my dream. Had it been Ron showing me what
   happened on the day he died or just something coming from my imagination?
   Goose bumps form over my legs. I'm hoping that it was the latter because I
   fear this spooky stuff!

      The words on that missing page returns to me. Although written in
   German, I was able to read some before they were consumed by flames. Ron
   was very excited. He'd written that an important Blackfoot belonging was
   going to be returned to them.

      I'm leafing through the empty pages in his diary. My left thumb pulls
   a page loose from the binding. I check its placement in the book and it
   corresponds with that torn out page! A cold chill runs down my spine.
   That was no dream. Ron was trying to tell me something.

      The little book is held tightly in my hands when I return to the warmth
   of my bedroom. I'm slipping into bed. Should I awaken Running Water and
   tell him about it? No. I don't know what it means and nothing was revealed
   to me why Ron was killed. I toss his diary back on the nightstand. My eyes
   close but sleep eludes me for most of the night.


      I'm awakened by a telephone ringing. I rush out of bed to answer it. My
   mother's voice is heard and a quick glance at the clock tells me how early
   it is. I'm shaking my head to lift the fog of sleep from it.

      "Did I wake you up?"

      "Yes, mom. There's a two hour difference between you and where I am."

      "Oh, I'm sorry. I keep forgetting about that, Mike. How are you?"

      "I'm fine. How about you?" Running Water is seen streaking through my
   bedroom. My eyes fall to his flexing brown cheeks. My attention returns to
   what my mom is saying on the phone. Something about walking her dog in the
   warm weather.

      "It's really cold here, mom. You should see the snow! I can't ride my
   motorcycle and my trailer is freezing."

      "Why don't you come home then?" she asks.

      Her voice makes me homesick but a greater aching fills my heart when I
   think about Jesse. I can't leave him! "Not yet. This winter storm had
   caught everyone by surprise. It's going to warm up." My mother pauses from
   saying anything.

      "I am missing you. Are you planning on staying in Montana until June as
   you've planned?"

      "Yes." That was my intent, to vacation for six months before returning
   to work. Everything has changed though. I'm going to stay here with Jesse
   and never go back to work for Dianne. I can't tell my mom that. Not yet.

      "Dianne is worried about you. She's called and told me that you weren't
   answering her emails. I've given your telephone number to her. Hope you
   don't mind."

      "No." That's a lie. I'm dreading having to speak with her.

      "Well. I just wanted to call to see how you are. That's a mother's job."

      I'm laughing softly. "I know, mom. Thanks for calling but everything is
   alright. I just need some more time off from work."

      "Alright. I love you, Mike."

      "I love you too." The phone goes dead. I'm left feeling very alone
   because everything is not okay with me but I couldn't tell here.

      I'm reaching into bed for my underwear. Running Water's black pair of
   shorts are found tangled with mine. I grab my underwear and head for the
   bathroom. A yawn erupts from my mouth. I'm still feeling sleepy. There's
   the sound of a shower running so I enter the bathroom to take a piss.

      Steam fills the room. I'm relieved that the hot water heater seems to
   be working. I drop my underwear, turn, and pull aside the shower curtain
   for a peek at the Indian. He's rinsing soap from his face. I'm preparing
   to step in to join him with my intent to enjoy the hot water and his
   company.

      "Mike. I'll be done soon so you can take your shower."

      Disappointment fills me. Running Water's arms are huddled around himself
   as if he's embarrassed to have me seeing him naked. I pull the shower
   curtain closed. My underwear is taken from the floor and worn. I return to
   my bedroom. A clean t-shirt is grabbed from a drawer and put on for warmth.
   I'm reminded that my zerox of Ron's diary is hidden within this chest of
   drawers, unneeded. I'm being allowed to keep the original.

      My dream from last night returns to me. I have to tell Running Water
   about it! We run into each other outside the bathroom.

      "You can take your shower now, Mike."

      "Thanks." I enter the bathroom without saying a word about my dream.


      Running Water has breakfast on the table when I come into the kitchen
   after taking my shower. The hot water had felt good but I'm still feeling
   sleepy. A nap later will do me some good. I have to teach tonight.

      A smile comes to my lips when I see the glass of milk beside my plate.
   Running Water sips coffee from his mug. An egg sandwich hangs precariously
   from his right hand. I'm quickly finishing mine. I want to tell him about
   that missing page from Ron's diary before he goes to work.

      I chug my milk down. After wiping my mouth with a napkin, I prepare to
   speak. I'm startled from it when my alarm clock goes off in the bedroom. I
   race to it and angrily strike the snooze button. It stops wailing. The
   alarm setting is slid to the off position.

      I'm grabbing Ron's diary from my nightstand before running back to the
   kitchen. Running Water has his coat on by the front door. Why is he in a
   rush to get to work? It's only 8am.

      "I'll be heading out now," says Running Water.

      "Okay. Will you be taking me to class tonight?"

      "Yes. If I have to make another delivery, I might not be back here until
   after six tonight. Be ready to leave. If I'm later than that, I'll call but
   I won't make you late for class."

      "Thanks." I watch Running Water opening my door and leave. I'll tell him
   about my dream tonight. Maybe I can have something more to tell him after
   I've had another look at Ron's diary.

      I set down on the couch. The little book is opened and I'm studying its
   last entry. Ron's handwriting is difficult to make out. 'Thomas' catches
   my eye again but I'm unable to translate the German words in that sentence
   where the name appears. My eyes roam to the blank page on the right. It
   may still have an impression from that page he'd torn out.

      My eyes don't see anything even after shining a bright light over it.
   I can't feel any impressions with my fingers. I'm beginning to have doubts.
   When I leaf through the blank pages, that loose page is found. It's easily
   pulled from the book and proves that Ron had torn the folding connected
   page from it. This is my only proof of what I'd seen in my dream.

      A yawn comes from my mouth followed by another. I am feeling very weary.
   The diary is left on the coffee table when I make my way back to bed. I
   slip under the blanket. In my hand is that loose page. It'ss thrown towards
   my nightstand but to my dismay, falls behind it. I'll get it later. My eyes
   close and sleep takes me.


      I'm awakened by loud banging at my door. I glance at my clock. I'm
   surprised that it's almost two. An exciting thought strikes me - it could
   be Jesse! I rush to the front room while only wearing a pair of underwear.

      My door is opened right as another pound is given it. I'm facing a
   police officer. He grimaces at my lack of clothes.

      "Are you Mike Yager?"

      "Yes sir, that's me." Fear fills me that I've done something wrong.

      "Can I come in?" the officer asks.

      I've noticed the way his arms are huddled around himself to keep warm.
   "Yes, of course." I'm stepping back to allow him inside. He shuts the door
   behind him. My hands drop to cover the front of me. I'm trembling, not from
   the cold. The officer looks grim. He's wearing a silver badge with a number
   imprinted on it pinned to his black leather jacket. A gun is holstered on
   his right hip.

      "Mr. Cavallero said that you went to see him yesterday morning."

      "Who? Oh, the trailer park manager. What about it?"

      "You had asked him for some things that were owned by the previous
   occupant of this trailer."

      Oh-oh. I think I know where this is leading. "My water heater wasn't
   working so I went to complain." I'm trying to lead the conversation away
   from the subject. "He didn't want to fix it." A lie. "That made me angry
   so I wanted to make some trouble for him. I'd heard that he stole a stereo,
   mechanic tools and an Indian drum from the trailer after that man died."

      "Hmm. Is that the drum?" the officer asks.

      I turn to where he's pointing. Running Water must have hung his drum on
   the wall last night after playing it. I'm nodding in answer to the
   officer's question.

      "Mr. Cavallero also mentioned giving you a little black book."

      Alarm fills me. That's the real reason why he has come! It's lying on
   the coffee table in plain sight. He's going to notice it before long. I
   quickly decide something to allay his suspicions. "Yeah. It's over there.
   Some dumb little book written in German, I think. You can have it."

      The police officer studies my face a moment before walking past me to
   fetch it from the table. He's leafing through it. "I don't have that man's
   stereo. Mr. Cavallero has it in his trailer or he's already sold it. The
   same with the mechanic tools. If anyone's to be brought up on charges for
   theft, it should be him." Hope fills me. Is he buying my story?

      When the officer turns to me, he's tapping Ron's diary against his hand.

      "Do you know what's written in this book?"

      I force myself to remain calm. "No, sir. I've leafed through it but I
   don't understand the language it's written in." The man stares at me hard
   for a long moment.

      "I think you're lying, Mr. Yager."

      I'm feeling panicked! He knows that I'm not telling the truth and from
   the way he's questioned me about Ron's diary, only the man who shot him or
   knows who did would realize its importance. My eyes fall to the officer's
   gun. Will he shoot me if he thinks I know too much?!

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