Date: Thu, 19 Jul 2001 20:58:10 +0100 (BST)
From: Alec C <alecsandria@yahoo.com>
Subject: Angel On His Back

Hello everyone,

I have a massive writers block on When My Pretty Boy Sleeps and this story
was haunting me for a little while. It's finally finished and I wanted to
share it with you.

Pairing: Joey/Lance

Disclaimer: I don't know Nsync or anyone that works for them. It's all in
my head.

Feedback: can be send to Alecsandria@yahoo.com

Thanks

Angel On His Back


The day that Joey told them that he was going to be a dad was the day he
died inside. All emotions like happiness, sadness and joy disappeared and
were replaced with a deep black and empty void. Not that anyone noticed the
sudden chance in him. They were all too busy with Joey because he was the
man at the moment. No one cared about the shivering blonde in the
corner. He struggled to his feet in his urge to get out. He felt sick; he
fought the urge to throw up right there. He barely managed to get back to
his room before he emptied his stomach. Lance sat back and rested his head
against the cold tiles of the bathroom wall. All his hopes and dreams were
washed away when he flushed the toilet. Joey was going to be a father. This
meant that he was straight and that Lance could forget any chance of ever
getting together with the Italian.

**

Lance had 7 months to get used to the idea. 7 months where Kelly was around
them constantly. Joey wanted her on tour with him. He didn't want to miss a
single day of the pregnancy. For Lance it would be a tour from hell. Day
in, day out he would be confronted with the happy couple. For the first few
weeks he placed himself on a liquid diet. Lance quickly became best friend
with Jack Daniels. But he couldn't perform when he was drunk and after Wade
threatened to kick his ass he stopped. He started to work out instead of
drinking. Each day he went to the gym together with his new
bodyguard. Lance slowly managed a routine where he only had to spend as
little time possible with Joey and or Kelly.

He worked twice as hard and divided his time between Nsync and
Freelance. The only person he talked to was Wade.

**

It was Wade that helped him through the break they had. They both went to
the gym together and worked out. They went out to clubs and basically had a
good time. Lance ignored most phone calls he got. He couldn't ignore the
lads the whole time but he spent a day in tears after hearing Joey on his
answer machine that the baby had kicked for the first time and that he was
so happy.

Lance hadn't told anyone that he was working out daily. He hid his body
under baggy pants and wide sweaters. He deliberately came too late on the
first day of tour rehearsals. Wade had the others already lined up for a
few new moves

'Lance, how nice of you to join us.' Said Wade and winked at him. 'Come
here.'

Lance placed his bag in a corner and walked to Wade.

'I'll show the new dance move on Lance. Just pretend that he is one of the
dancers.'

Wade turned on the music and they started dancing. The music was up-tempo
and Lance and Wade danced around each other like two Roman fighters in an
arena. The music slowly faded and Lance stopped dancing. He was slightly
out of breath and rested a hand on Wade's shoulder.

'Lance? How...where...'

'Where did you learn to dance like that?'

Lance looked up and saw 4 shocked faces looking at him.

'I've been practising.'

Wade patted his shoulder and Lance smiled although the smile never reached
his eyes. He wiped the sweat of his brow and slowly lifted his shirt over
his head. He was only wearing a wife beater and again he saw 4 shocked
faces when he threw the sweater in the corner.  Lance smirked and flexed
the muscles in his arms.

'Ok Lance, stand at the back and we'll start with the old routines
first. Let's see who is rusty and who's not.'

They danced for two hours straight until Chris faked a heart attack and
Wade decided to give them a break. Lance went to his bag and grabbed a
bottle of vitamins and some water. He sat down with his back against the
wall and quickly swallowed some pills with water. He wasn't tired at all
due to his perfect condition. He stared around the room. Justin and JC were
fooling around, Chris was still pretending to be dead and Joey was on the
phone. Lance rose to his feet and started to stretch a little to keep his
muscles warm. He took of his wife beater and started to do sit ups.

'Holy shit.' Chris's voice filled the small room.

'What the hell is that on your back?' Justin and JC spoke in unison

'Oh wow, they've finished it.' Wade touched the tattoo on Lance's back.

Lance looked over his shoulder in the mirror. A tattoo of an angel covered
most of his back. The wings spread out over his shoulder and the tilted
head and halo of the angel rested in between his shoulder blades. Justin
came closer and licked his finger. He rubbed the skin of Lance's back and
Lance started laughing.

'It's a real one Justin. You can't rub that off.'

'But why? I mean it's...'

'It's not me? I've decided to live a little. I've been sitting around
waiting for things to happen a little bit too long.'

'But couldn't you have taken a small one.'

Lance turned around to Justin.

'No Justin, I couldn't. I like this one. It's my body and I can do with it
what I want.' Snapped Lance.

'Jesus Lance. The kid just asked you a question. No need to bite his head
off. What's with you lately? You've been cold to us for the past month. We
call and you don't answer. You show up here and look like some freaking
body builder with a massive tattoo.'

Lance moved his furious gaze from Justin to Joey.

'So you finally do realise that there are other people in this world than
your baby. You didn't ask our permission to get Kelly pregnant. I don't
need your permission to get a fucking tattoo. I believe that we came here
to rehearse and not to judge my way of life?'

Lance turned around and ignored everyone for the rest of the day. He knew
that they were staring at him. Justin didn't do much to hide it. JC
constantly sniggered and Wade stopped the rehearsals a few hours earlier.

**

Lance re-acquainted his friend Jack and went clubbing each night. He never
missed one rehearsal but he never said a word to any of them. He growled
when Chris tried to show him the first pictures of the unborn baby, he
pushed Justin out of the way when he tried to talk to Lance. He even
sarcastically laughed at JC when he made them listen to a new song he has
written. The black void inside him grew stronger and deeper each day.

'Care to explain this?'

A newspaper was thrown in his lap and Lance looked up. Joey looked back at
him with his hands placed in his sides.

'It's a newspaper. They print one like this each day and people read it to
learn about the latest news.'

'Explain that picture.'

Lance picked up the newspaper and looked at the picture. It was shot right
outside a nightclub where a celebrity party was coming to an end. Several
people stood close together saying good-bye. A few stared a couple giving
each other a passionate kiss.

'It was a good party. I don't remember much of it but it was good.'

Joey kneeled beside Lance.

'Do you see this couple? I didn't think anything of it until I saw the
tattoo on the guy's back. What the fuck were you thinking Lance? You are
kissing another man outside a club.' Joey hollered.

Lance shrugged.

'Like I said a few weeks ago Joey. I'm living my life the way I want to
live it. I'm not commenting on your life so stay the hell out of mine.'

That night Lance used cocaine for the first time.

**

Lance was hyperactive. He had his last line of cocaine right before he went
to the rehearsals and he was still feeling that swirl of happiness moving
through his body. He was the first one there and that annoyed him. Chris
came in right after him but that didn't change the fact that Lance was here
first and everyone else was late.

'You are late.'

Chris shrugged and tossed his bag in the corner. He started to do his
stretching and Lance was fuming.

'I said that you were late.'

Chris looked up and shrugged again. 'We are the only two here. Even Wade
still isn't here so...'

'So what? Isn't that what you wanted to say Chris?'

Chris sighed and walked to Lance.

'Listen, I don't know why you are so cranky today but there is no use
getting so upset.'

'No use?' Screamed Lance. 'I work my ass off for you all each day. Lance,
change this. Lance, we don't want to do that. Lance, talk to management.'

Chris frowned and looked at Lance.

'Gee man I'm sorry. I had no idea that you were so worked up. Just say
something and let us help.'

Lance snorted. 'As if you'd get anything done.'

Lance turned around and walked away.

5 minutes later Justin and JC came in.

'Hey Lance.' Yelled Justin. 'Did you manage to get that interview
postponed?'

Lance froze and slowly turned towards Justin.  'What did you just say?'

Justin smiled one of his trademark smiles and raised an eyebrow.

'I asked you to change that interview time. I'm getting my new clothes
fitted than.'

Lance narrowed his eyes and took a deep breath. The feeling of happiness
was quickly changing into a mad rush of anger.  'Fuck you Justin "I'm so
perfect" Timberlake. You set up that interview so you change it. I'm not
your fucking slave.'

Lance turned around again and slammed into JC. He pushed the older man away
and growled at him.  'Just leave me the fuck alone. Just leave me the fuck
alone.'

**

They were doing an onstage rehearsal when Joey got the call. He dashed off
stage and Wade said that everyone was free to go. Everyone but Lance walked
off stage and he could hear the cheers and happy laughter floating back to
him. He sat down and buried his head in his head. He used to be able to
laugh like that. He didn't have a care in the world. Only 7 months later he
was addicted to cocaine and alcohol. He took uppers to get through the
rehearsals and he used downers to get some sleep when he needed it. Lance
took a deep breath and rubbed his face. He reached inside his pocket to
find that little plastic bag. He knew he still had about 4 pills left. If
he took 2 now and 2 later when he went out he would be able to manage until
he could buy some more. Lance opened the bag and took out 2 of the 4 pills
and raised his hand to place them in his mouth.

'Give those to me Lance.'

Lance ignored Wade's voice and popped the pills inside his mouth.

'God dammed.' Wade pushed Lance on his back and tried to open his
mouth. Lance narrowed his eyes and swallowed.

'Fuck Lance. I've been sitting back watching your self-destruction but I've
had enough.'

Lance laughed.  'Better start looking the other way Wade.'

Lance got up and walked off stage.

**

Joey returned a few days later, a proud father of a girl. Lance managed to
congratulate him with a sour smile but he didn't show any interest in the
pictures or the video. It was all over now for him. Joey was a dad. He had
tried to fight that horrid feeling inside him for months but he never
succeeded. Lance left the four other members of Nsync alone in their
dressing room and went to find a toilet. After he had found one he locked
it and took out the bag of cocaine. He carefully made two straight lines
and snorted them both. Lance closed his eyes and waited for that all so
familiar rush that would spread through his body. The warm feeling started
in his stomach and washed over him. Lance sighed. This was heaven for
him. He opened his eyes and wiped away the cocaine that was stuck on his
nose. He ran his hand through his hair and winked at himself. He didn't
notice how deep his eyes had sunken or how pale he had become. Lance didn't
see how dead his eyes were or how skinny he had become. All he saw was a
man whose heart had been broken but who was finally getting his life back
on track.

**

The tour was a big success and they had a few rare days off and everyone
flew home. Lance was alone in his house. He declined the invite to visit
Joey. He didn't understand why he kept trying. Lance had made it very clear
that he didn't want to spend any free time with either one of them and Joey
just didn't give up.

Lance poured himself another glass of Jack Daniels and made nice groups of
all the different coloured pills he had lying in front of him. He had been
watching some TV but each entertainment program had one or more items on
them or Joey and his kid. He ended up throwing his remote at the TV. Lance
picked a pill from each group he had made. He counted the six pills twice
and popped them in his mouth. He grabbed his glass and downed the fluid
along with the pills in one go. A shudder ran down his spine and Lance
smacked his lips. That was good. Another shudder ran down his spine and
Lance reached for the bottle on his left. His hands were shaking and Lance
had a hard time trying to focus on the bottle. It seemed to move each time
Lance came near. Lance cursed and stumbled to his feet. He started to sway
on his legs and wanted to grab something to hold on to but he was grabbing
thin air. Lance tried to walk to the kitchen to get some water to clear his
mind but he spun in a little circle and fell to the ground. He hit his head
on the edge of his table and closed his eyes in pain. He raised a trembling
hand to feel his head and almost threw up when he saw blood on his
fingers. Lance tried to sit up but he couldn't. He squinted to see if he
could find anything that could help and his gaze fell on his phone. It was
lying just a few feet away from him on the table. Lance managed to crawl to
the table and grabbed the phone. He went to lie down again as the whole
room was spinning. He randomly pressed a few buttons and swallowed the bile
rising in his throat.

'Hello?'

Lance moaned. Of all people listed in his phone he had to call Joey and she
has to answer.

'Joey?' Lance's voice sounded funny and he slurred.

'Who is this?'

'Joey, help me please.' Lance heard Joey in the background singing a
lullaby to his child.

'Help me.'

Lance started crying when he heard the tone. She had hung up. Lance curled
up in a little ball and tried to stop his body from shaking. He was soaked
with sweat and he was fighting the urge to throw up with all the strength
he had left.

**

Wade found Lance the next morning still lying curled up in a ball. The
blonde was taken to hospital and didn't open his eyes until nine days
later.

Lance blinked and tried to focus. The whole room seemed to be filled with
fog. Maybe he forgot to turn off something and his house was on fire. Lance
tried to move but he couldn't. He turned his head and blinked a few times
again. He heard some people talk but he couldn't make sense of what they
were saying. Lance tried to raise his arm to rub his eyes but he couldn't
even move his arm. He wanted to yell that his house was on fire but
something was in his throat. Something or someone touched his forehead and
Lance desperately tried to focus on who or what it was. Tears ran down his
cheek as he tried to speak but failed. Someone tugged at the thing that was
in his throat and suddenly it was gone. Lance arched his back in response
to the suddenly blazing pain inside his body. He couldn't breath, the smoke
was too thick and he was suffocating. Lance opened his mouth and gasped. He
was able to take a deep breath of cool air. His body relaxed and he blinked
again. Things became much clearer now and Lance could see that there were
people standing around him. He recognized JC's weird hairdo and he suddenly
heard Justin sob.

'J...Ju...' Lance tried to speak but he couldn't utter more than a few
sounds.

'Don't speak just yet Lance. Your throat is still sore from the breathing
tube.'

That voice came from the other side. Lance turned his head and his eyes
narrowed as he focussed on the men on that side of his bed. He coughed a
few times and took another deep breath. Lance tried again to raise his hand
but he still couldn't.

'You are in restraints at the moment. You've been trashing around a bit.'

That was JC. Lance turned his head again to look at JC.

'We are all here. You scared us.' JC had his arm wrapped around Justin and
Lance titled his head to see that JC was also holding his hand. Lance tried
to squeeze it but he couldn't feel his arm.

'They say that you are temporarily paralysed on one side.'

'God Lance, why didn't you tell us that you were addicted to all that
shit.'

Lance turned his head again and tried to find Joey. He was standing at the
feet end of the bed. His arm was wrapped around Kelly and she was glaring
at him.

'I...' Lance licked his dry lips. 'I called... you... Need help...'

**

Lance drifted in and out of consciousness for the next few days. He
constantly heard JC talking as soon as he woke up. His vision was blurred
and his painful throat prevented him from talking at all. Twelve days after
he was admitted, Lance finally fully woke up. His vision was clear and he
silently looked around the room. JC was sitting in a chair next to the bed
reading the newspaper out loud. Justin sat at his feet listening to JC
while playing with his shoelaces. Lance turned his head and saw that Chris
was sitting on the other side of the bed. Chris was holding his hand but
Lance didn't feel anything.

'Hey.' Chris smiled when he saw Lance looking at him. Lance smiled
back. 'Welcome back.'

Lance raised his hand to rub his eyes and was surprised when he saw his own
hand.

'You were taken off the restraints about 2 days ago.' Chris moved his chair
closer to the bed and touched Lance's face with his finger. 'Do you want
something to drink? We have delicious water here.'

Lance nodded and Chris grabbed a glass of water. He rose to his feet and
slid his arm around Lance's neck to help him up a little so that he could
drink. Chris placed the glass at Lance's lips and Lance eagerly started
drinking.

'Wow, not too fast. You haven't had anything solid in days.' Chris pulled
the glass away and went to put Lance back on his pillow, but the younger
blonde quickly grabbed Chris' shirt and buried his head in Chris'
chest. Chris sat down on the bed and pulled Lance into a proper embrace.

'Hey, it's ok Lance. We aren't angry with you. We're very glad that you
managed to pull through.'

Chris patted Lance's back and pulled the blonde a bit away from his
body. Lance slumped to the left, as he had no control over the right side
of his body. A shadow fell over Lance and JC sat down on his other side. He
was squeezed in between Chris and JC and started sobbing. He tried to
repress the first sob but he couldn't control himself.

'It's ok Lance. Cry it out.' JC's voice was warm and Lance shuddered. He
didn't deserve their concern. 'We'll talk about what has happened
later. Just get better first.'

Lance raised his head and looked at Justin. His boyish features were gone
and he suddenly seemed so grown-up.

'Wh...where... is...J...Joey.' Lance spoke slowly not sure whether he was
able to speak again. He slurred a little because he couldn't open his mouth
fully.

'Joey will be here later. Brianna has a slight fever and...' Chris' voice
trailed away.

'The...tour...? I... should...'

'The tour has been postponed until your chest infection is fully cured.' JC
winked at him. 'There is nothing you have to worry about except getting out
of here with a clean bill of health.'

Chris pulled him back into his embrace and JC's arms slid around him. The
mattress sank a little as Justin crawled on to take part in the group
hug. And somewhere in the darkness a candle was lit, spreading a soft
promising light.

**

Joey came by a few days later. Lance was very tired after spending a few
hours with a physiotherapist to get his muscles working again and was half
asleep when Joey and Kelly entered the room.

'Hey.'

Lance struggled to sit up a little. Joey walked to the bed and pulled him
up.

'Hey.' Joey gave him a hug.

Lance inhaled Joey's scent and that faint ache started again. His heart
started beating a little faster and he closed his eyes for just a
second. Joey released him again and Lance waved at Kelly to greet her.

Joey sat on the chair closest to the bed. 'I'm sorry that it took us so
long. Brianna had a fever and I didn't want to risk anything. She is ok
now.'

Kelly sat down on the other side of the bed and placed a beautiful bouquet
of flowers on the bed. She gave Lance a sour smile and started to pick her
nails. Lance turned to Joey again and stared at him. He didn't hear a word
Joey was saying. He was focussed on Joey's lips. He ached to kiss them but
he knew that he couldn't anymore. Joey was lost to him.

'Joey?' Kelly's loud voice filled the room and Lance subconsciously
cringed.  'Can you get a vase for the flowers?'

'Sure.' Joey stood up and smiled at Lance. 'I'll be back in a minute.' He
bent forward and gave Lance a friendly kiss on his forehead. 'Keep an eye
on my woman, ok?'

Kelly waited till Joey had left the room before she rose to her feet and
moved closer to Lance.

'Listen Lance, you and I have to talk. I have the feeling that you are
misunderstanding something here.'

Kelly moved even closer and Lance could feel her warm breath on his
skin. It made him shiver.

'I've seen you bat your green eyes at Joey but let's get one thing
straight, you fag. Joey is mine and he will be mine until he dies. You can
stop batting your little eyes at him. He doesn't want you. He doesn't even
want to be around you. Why do you think it took him so long to come here?'

Kelly's long fingers wrapped around Lance's neck and started to
squeeze. Lance couldn't move as her other hand pressed his only useful arm
into the bed. All he could do was lie there and stare at her.

'I didn't like that little stunt you pulled when you called in the middle
of the night. God, how I wished that you had died that night. But no, you
had to pull through. But don't think that you can get anywhere near Joey
now. He is mine you hear me? Mine!'

Kelly squeezed really hard and Lance started to see little black
spots. Kelly finally released him and Lance started coughing. Kelly pulled
him back on the bed and covered Lance with a blanket.

'One more touch and I will do anything I can to get you into hell. I don't
want fags around my man.'

Lance softly whimpered and pulled the blanket higher to cover his neck.

'I've got the vase.' Said Joey when he entered the room again.

'Shh, Lance was really tired and went to sleep.'

Lance felt a hand on his shoulder.

'Sleep tight Lance. We need you.'

'No you don't.' Mumbled Lance and shrugged Joey's hand off. 'Just go home
and leave me alone.'

'Ok.' Lance heard the surprise in Joey's voice. He heard some rustling and
he felt someone leaning over him.

'Just remember what I said.'

The soft glowing candle flickered and died, leaving Lance in the dark
again.

**

Lance checked himself out the following morning. The doctors tried to
convince him to stay but Lance wanted to get away as soon as he could. He
had to pay the taxi driver a large amount of money to help him inside the
house. The hospital had lent him a wheelchair so that he could move
around. Lance instantly changed the entrance code to his front door and
poured himself a drink. It didn't take long before Chris and Justin were
pounding on his front door. Lance turned up the sound of his TV and poured
himself yet another drink.

Suddenly someone pounded on the windows. Lance glanced over his shoulder to
see JC peering in. Lance grabbed his remote and pushed a button, and his
curtains started to close. Lance couldn't help but smile. He loved the new
gadget he had installed before the overdoses; a house remote that
controlled almost everything in his house. The heavy curtains muted JC's
screams and Lance sighed with relief. He didn't need them. They would most
likely feel the same way as Joey did and they only spent time with him to
keep up appearances for the press and the fans.

'I don't need any of you.' Mumbled Lance to himself. 'I can live my life
without you. I can live my live without Joey.'

**

Lance woke up from his dozing when he suddenly heard footsteps upstairs. He
blinked a few times and strained his ears. He didn't hear anything now but
he was sure that he had heard someone walking upstairs. Lance struggled to
sit up and hit a few empty beer bottles in the process. They crashed down
from the table and Lance winced as the sound echoed through the
house. Whoever was in the house was now sure that he was there too, and
Lance was in no position to defend himself. The footsteps moved to the
stairs and Lance tried to make himself as small as possible on the
couch. Someone descended the stairs and Lance held his breath. He quickly
turned off the lights and stared at the door. The handle moved down and the
door was pushed open. The light from the hall streamed inside and Lance
squinted to see whom it was.

'How did you get in?' Whispered Lance.

'Simple, you left a small window open and I managed to crawl inside.'

'I suggest that you leave the way again.' Lance's voice grew stronger.
'Like now.'

'No, can't do that.'

The door closed and the room was dark again.

'Why don't you turn on the lights Lance? I know that you've got that funky
system of yours installed.'

'Why are you here?' Asked Lance. His voice quavered and he sank deeper in
the couch.

'I don't know Lance. Why don't you tell me why I come here? Is it still
worth coming here? Is there something left of the friendship we had.'

Lance stroked the remote with his finger and pressed on the light
button. The lights slowly came on and the room bathed in a soft light.

'God, look at you.'

Lance closed his eyes. He didn't need someone to tell him that he looked
like hell.

'How much have you been drinking, huh? I bet that you have some coke or
pill stashed under a pillow.'

Lance opened his eyes again and stared at the ceiling.

'Why do you care Wade? Just fuck off like everyone else. It's not worth it
in the end.'

Wade walked to the couch and pushed a few bottles out of the way.

'Let me tell you why I care.' Wade's voice was dangerously low. 'I care
because one day I came to see a friend and found him lying in his own blood
and vomit. I care because I saw him fight for his life in a hospital bed,
going through detox.'

Wade bent close to Lance.

'I care because I saw the pain and guilt on the face of his friends who
were there for him the whole time.'

'Fuck you.' Said Lance and turned his head.

Wade grabbed his chin and forced Lance to look at him.

'I fucking care because I know that there is still hope. I know that he is
willing to fight.'

Lance stared coldly at Wade and repeated him self. 'Fuck you!'

Wade narrowed his eyes and rose to his full length. 'Fine, at least I can
say that I've tried. You can snort yourself into hell, Lance, but don't
come crawling back to me when things get rough.'

Wade walked to the door. 'If you could only see how much you are hurting
those other people in your life. I only came here to see what had happened
to the man that had an angel tattooed on his back as a symbol of faith and
hope. A man who never lost hope even though there wasn't much hope left for
him.'

Wade turned around and wanted to walk away but Lance's voice stopped him.

'I want... I didn't give up hope. It was taken away from me. I don't know
where to start fighting. I'm useless. I'm holding others back. I don't want
to live with their sympathy or pity.'

Wade turned to Lance. 'I know where we can start. We'll start to get you
better. We'll work on those muscles and we'll bring back the old
Lance. Than we can start fighting the other problems.'

**

Wade left that night to collect his things and moved in with Lance to help
him get his life back on track. Wade had a friend who was a physiotherapist
and he came by each day to help Lance regain full control over the right
side of his body. Lance had told Wade where he could find any hidden bags
of coke or pills and together they flushed it down the toilet. They made a
ceremony out of it with Wade mumbling nonsense and Lance flushing the
toilet. They also emptied all the bottles of booze they could find and Wade
was sent out to get some proper food and drinks.

Lance did talk to JC, Justin and Chris, it was briefly and on the phone but
he convinced them that he was fine but needed time. He tried calling Joey
but Kelly constantly answered the phone and Lance hung up each time.

A month passed and Lance was getting stronger and stronger. He still had
trouble walking but he could use his arm again without any problem. His
speech got better and Wade was proud.

'Maybe we can invite the others to come over to see your improvement?' Wade
casually asked during lunch.

Lance nearly chocked on his salad. 'Invite them?'

'Yes. You are doing so well, I think that we can start tour rehearsals
again soon.'

Lance shook his head. 'I can't. I can't face them...'

Wade placed his fork down and folded his hands under his chin. 'They are
worried about you. A few short phone calls isn't enough for them.'

'I can't face them. I've done...'

'You can't face Joey you mean.'

Lance lowered his eyes and stared at his plate. 'I...'

Lance pushed his chair away from the table and left the kitchen. He wasn't
ready to talk about Joey yet.

**

 Lance was restless. He devoted his time to Freelance and a new foundation
he had started anonymously to help the ones addicted to alcohol and
drugs. But he couldn't still that growing and burning ache inside of
him. His whole body yearned to see or hear Joey.  He knew that he couldn't,
Kelly had planted that seed of fear deep inside him and it grew stronger
and stronger each day. One day he would be able to gather enough courage to
face his problem, his fear, Joey. But Joey had other plans and the problem
came to see him.

He had chosen a bad day for it. Wade was out and hadn't fully locked the
front door. Joey suddenly stood in the living room where Lance sat,
aimlessly flicking through the channels. Lance noticed a presence in the
room and nearly jumped when he saw Joey. 'Christ, you scared me.'

'I came to say goodbye.'

The cold tone of Joey's voice sent a shiver down Lance's neck and he
echoed, 'Goodbye?'

'I'm leaving Nsync, I'm moving to LA where I'll be playing a part in a TV
series.' Still there was no other emotion than coldness audible in Joey's
voice.

'Why are you leaving Nsync than?

Joey laughed, short and sarcastic. 'I think that you are to blame for
that?'

'Me?'

'Did you know that you never ever asked about Brianna? Not once! You don't
seem to care about the biggest thing in my life. You just totally ignore it
as if she isn't even there.'

'I... I didn't... I wanted...'

'What, Lance? You planned to come by but your drug addiction got in the
way.'

Lance felt his cheeks burning with withheld anger. 'No, I can't... I'm
happy for you but I need to sort out things for myself.'

'That's exactly what made me decide to leave the band. You only care about
yourself. It's been Lance, Lance, and Lance for a year now. There are four
other people in this band too. You nearly ruined us. You've changed like a
leaf on a tree. I don't even know you anymore.'

'I haven't changed. I'm still the same Lance...'

Joey sighed. 'No, you aren't. The Lance that I once knew cared about the
other people around him. He would have noticed the little hints that I've
given over the past year.'

Lance frowned. He had no idea what Joey was talking about.

'Hints? What kind of hints?'

Joey walked to the couch and sat down on the coffee table.' I love you. I
have loved you for months god, maybe even years. I've tried to show that by
giving you more affection. But you didn't want to see it. The only thing
you wanted was your next line of coke. I've given up. I don't want to spend
24 hours a day with someone that can ruin me, break my heart beyond
repair.'

Lance opened his mouth to say something but he didn't know what to say to
Joey.

'God,' Joey got up. 'I pour my heart out to you and you just sit
there. Forget it, Lance. Just forget every word I said. It's obvious that
you don't feel a fucking thing for anyone anymore. You are dead inside,
completely dead.

I can't help the way I feel but I won't stand here to see you fucking ruin
everything that we fought and worked so hard for.'

Joey was gone before Lance realised it.

**

Lance sat frozen on the couch.

'What are you still doing here?' Wade's voice came from the kitchen. 'The
man just confessed his love for you. Go after him!'

'What are you doing...?'

'My date got ill. Now go!'

Lance got up and walked outside as fast as he could. The driveway was
empty, Joey had already left.

'JOEY!'

Lance's desperate cry echoed through the empty street.  He received no
answer and Lance let out a strangled sob before he started to sway. His
legs weren't strong enough to carry him anymore and he couldn't hold his
balance and started to fall. Right before he hit the ground he was caught
in two strong arms. A familiar scent washed over Lance and he sighed:

'Joey.'

Joey sank the both of them to the ground and Lance turned around.

'I love you.' He panted.

'God, I love you so much. I never thought that you would love me too.'

Joey raised a finger to silence Lance but the blonde grabbed his hand.

'What was I suppose to think when you said that you were going to be a dad?
I thought that I had lost you forever. I didn't want to live anymore. I
couldn't live anymore.'

Lance chocked back a sob.

'Please don't leave. Don't go, I don't want to die inside again.'

Joey pulled the younger man close and felt his frantic heart beat.

'Why didn't you tell me?'

'I couldn't come up to you and say that I was gay and in love with you.'

'I nearly lost you.' Whispered Joey. 'You looked so fragile at the
hospital.'

'I'm clean now. Wade helped me.'

Joey touched Lance's cheek. 'I'm glad that Wade was so persistent.'

Lance turned his face to Joey and smiled. 'You and me both.'

Joey smiled and pressed his lips against Lance's. Lance sneaked one arm
around Joey's neck and deepened the kiss. His tongue probed lightly at
Joey's lips to gain entrance. Joey opened his lips and their tongues
touched. Lance tried to repress a full body shudder but failed and Joey
responded by pulling him even closer. Lance broke off the kiss and
swallowed hard.

'Stay with me tonight, please?' He begged.

Joey didn't answer, but rose to his feet and lifted Lance in his arms.

**

Joey walked to the downstairs bedroom guided by Lance's directions. He
kicked the door open and placed Lance on the bed. The blonde looked at him
with large unsure eyes and Joey sat next to him to kiss him.

'Are you sure about this?' Asked Joey when he broke the kiss.

Lance nodded. He has lost his virginity to a stranger in an impersonal and
cold fuck at a club. He was just nervous because he had never made love to
someone before.

Joey reached out and started to unbutton Lance's shirt. When he was done,
the shirt was causally tossed aside and Joey admired Lance's chest. His
fingers touched the small curve of his collarbone and travelled lightly
down to a nipple. Lance bit his lip until he nearly drew blood. His body
trembled with anticipation of what was yet to come and his cock stirred
awake. Soon his pants were too tight, pressing down on his erection. Joey
bent his head and his teeth clamped down on an erect nipple. Lance forced
himself to lay still. He was afraid to move fearing that the sensation that
was already building inside would come to an abrupt end. Joey's hands moved
down to Lance's pants. Lance moaned, urging Joey to take the fabric away. A
faint brush of cool air brushed passed his thighs and Lance sighed. He now
lay naked before Joey.

Joey sat back on his heels and all but stared at the blonde's trembling
body. He was perfect, the soft white skin shining in the moonlight that
seeped through the shutters.

Joey quickly discarded his own clothes and stretched out beside Lance. His
fingers began to explore, moving down from the chest. He deliberately
didn't touch the full-grown erection that lay proud on Lance's stomach. His
fingers reached Lance's calves and Joey muttered in a hoarse voice: 'Turn
around.'

Lance silently obeyed and turned over. He felt Joey's fingers caress his
shoulder, following the outline of the tattoo. They traced further down
until Joey spoke again.

'What do these words mean?'

Lance felt Joey's fingertips press lightly again the Latin words written
underneath the Angel. 'My beloved, my heart, my soul, my pain.'

Joey kissed the words one by one, his tongue licking the salty skin. Lance
pressed his hips down into the bed. He repressed a moan and Joey softly
chuckled.

Joey's hands stopped at the curve of Lance's buttocks. Lance whimpered, he
needed Joey to go on. Joey hovered over him, touching his lips. Lance
sucked the finger inside and swirled around the digit with his tongue. Joey
slowly drew back and Lance already knew what would happen.

Joey spread his cheeks apart and the salvia-coated finger teased the
puckered circle. Lance squeezed his ass trying to suck the finger inside
and succeeded. The finger slipped inside the warm flesh.

Another joined the finger and Lance writhed on the bed. His hips moved up
and down and the friction on his cock was almost too much. The fingers
pumped inside of him and Lance was on the verge of a mind-blowing orgasm.

Suddenly the fingers were gone and Lance cried out in desperation. Joey
grabbed his hips and turned Lance around. The younger man stared at him
through hooded eyes. His lips quivered and Joey snuck out his tongue to
lick them

Their erections touched as Joey covered Lance's body. Joey moved his hips,
sliding his cock passed lances. Joey gasped and moved faster. It took him a
lot of self-control to draw back yet again.

'It's in the nightstand.' Whispered Lance.

Joey opened the drawer and roamed around with his hand until he found a
small tube of lube. Lance took it out of his hand and pushed Joey back on
his knees. Lance squeezed some lube in his hand and slid him down Joey's
erection. He kept a steady rhythm while his thumb flicked the tip. His lean
fingers touched the base of Joey's cock and Lance's nails scratched Joey's
balls. Joey jerked forward and groaned Lance's name. His fingers wrapped
around Lance's wrist and pulled the hand away.

'No more.' Joey breathed. 'No more or it will be over too soon.'

Lance smiled sensually and pulled Joey over his body. He wrapped his legs
around the waist of the Italian and closed his eyes. The tip of Joey's cock
slowly slid inside and Lance released a breath he didn't know he was
holding.

Joey entered him teasingly slow and Lance captured his mouth. Joey lay
still for a few seconds, trying to absorb the overwhelming feeling that
washed over him. Lance thrust his hips breaking the trance and Joey started
to move. First slowly but he soon moved faster and faster. Lance kissed
Joey frantically on his lips and cheeks before biting and licking his
neck. Each time Lance bit down Joey thrust deeper inside of him.

Both men were covered with a thin layer of sweat and their bodies moved in
the same erotic rhythm. Lance knew that he couldn't push his release back
anymore. His cock brushed past Joey's stomach each time they moved and the
beads of come started to drip.

Lance arched his back and threw his head back as he gave into the forceful
orgasm. He clamped down on Joey, sending him over the edge. Both their
names echoed as cries of ecstasy filled the room.

Joey moved off Lance and pulled the younger man in his arms. He wrapped one
leg possessively over Lance and inhaled the deep, musky scent. His lips
were pressed against Lance's neck as they both came back down to
earth. Their heartbeats slowed down in unison and Lance sighed. He snuggled
back against Joey, not willing or able to speak. They were together alone
in their own world and again a soft shimmering light dawned in the darkness
inside of Lance. But this time it was a strong flame, not easily put out.

**

Lance woke up alone the next morning. He blinked a few times and thought
that he had dreamt it all. He slowly sat up and looked around the
room. Joey's shirt still lay on the floor and Lance smiled. It wasn't a
dream after all. He got up and pulled the shirt over his naked body,
quickly went to the toilet, and made his way downstairs. He could already
hear Wade and Joey, and it seemed that they were arguing.

'He has to know.' That was Joey.

'It's best that he doesn't. He is alright at the moment.'

'Wade!' Joey sounded very angry. 'You can't hide the fact that he will
never fully recover from him.'

Lance suddenly felt dizzy. He would never recover? But he was doing
fine. Wade even had said that they would start rehearsals again soon. Lance
moved closer to the kitchen to hear what Wade had to say.

'Please Joey, it would kill him.'

'No Wade, giving him false hope will kill him. I'm going to tell him.'

Wade looked up from his coffee and saw Lance standing in the doorway. His
face was pale and grim.

'No need.' Said Wade softly and Joey turned around. He got up and walked to
Lance.

'Morning.' Joey said and kissed lance. Lance placed his hands on Joey's
chest and pushed Joey away. Lance walked to Wade and looked him straight in
the eye.

'What kind of things won't I be able to do anymore?' Lance sounded
surprisingly calm.

'You won't get any better than this.'

Lance sighed. He still limped and he couldn't raise his right arm over his
head. Dancing was clearly out of the question.

'I'll change the routines, Lance. No one will notice. Honest!'

Lance shook his head. 'I think that you should leave Wade.'

Wade sighed. 'Alright, I'll leave you alone for a while.'

'I mean really leave.'

Lance turned around and left the kitchen, followed by Joey.

'Lance.'

'Don't Joey. I don't need your pity.'

'I'm not pitying you. I love you.'

Lance turned to face Joey.

'Why? I'm an invalid. You heard Wade.'

'No, not to me. To me you are... my beloved, my heart my soul.'

Lance closed his eyes and Joey embraced him softly, kissing his wet
eyelashes.

'We'll find a way. I promise.'

Lance buried his head in Joey's shoulder and both men stood there silently
for a while.

Joey was the first to speak again. 'I have to pick up Brianna. Want to
come?'

Lance hesitated. He didn't want to see Kelly. Her threat still echoed
through his mind.

'Oh please. I want you to meet her.'

Lance saw the pleading look in Joey's eyes and nodded slowly.

**

The car ride was silent. Lance was very nervous and played with the hem of
his shirt.

'You alright'

Lance looked at Joey. 'Yeah, it's a bit strange meeting your girlfriend
after we just made love.

Joey started laughing and pulled over.

'What?' Snapped Lance.

Joey turned in his seat. 'Kelly is not my girlfriend. I'm gay Lance.'

'But she...'

'She is Brianna's mother, yes. She was artificially inseminated and is
receiving a great sum of money.'

Lance stared at Joey in disbelief and buried his face in his hands.

'Lance?' Joey sounded worried.

'She nearly chocked me to death at the hospital.' Sobbed the blonde. 'She
told me to stay away from you, away from her man.'

Joey pulled Lance's hands away from his face. 'She what?'

'I called you that night, begged for help. She knew that it was me and hung
up. She said that I should have died.' Lance raised his eyes and met Joey's

'And the next day you left the hospital deprived of all hope.' Said Joey.

Lance nodded.

'You've got nothing to fear. She can't do anything. She can't hurt you!
Kelly isn't even allowed to be alone with Brianna. The baby sleeps in my
room and Kelly is just there because I want Brianna breastfed.'

Lance started sobbing louder. 'She made it sound as if you were together.'

'Kelly would love that but she is the wrong sex.'

Lance couldn't help but chuckle.

'That's better.' Said Joey and gave Lance a quick kiss. 'Now let's meet my
daughter.'

**

Lance stared at the little child in his arms. Her small hands tried to grab
everything in sight and it made Lance laugh. She was in everyway
perfect. Her little nose, the brown eyes and the little lips that softly
sighed. Her fresh baby smell almost drugged Lance in a positive way.

Joey looked at the two people he loved most in his life.

'He is a natural.'

Joey turned to the older lady, an old friend of his mum, who took care of
Brianna when Joey couldn't.

'I know. He is a born father.'

'He is troubled. You can see it in his eyes.'

Joey slipped his arm around Beth.

'He was in the past. Hopefully not anymore.'

Beth gave Joey a loving kiss on his cheek.

'Take the little girl. She needs to be fed.'

Joey nodded and said goodbye. He gathered Brianna's stuff and packed the
car.  Lance carefully carried Brianna to the car and settled in the seat.

'Brianna needs to be fed and I have a few things to pack.'

Joey caressed Lance's cheek. 'Now that Wade is gone...' He didn't finish
his sentence.

'What about the baby?'

'Brianna is already bottle-fed three out of five times. I'm sure that we
can make that five out of five soon.'

Joey pulled onto his driveway and they got out. Joey took Brianna from
Lance and walked to the door. He opened the door and Kelly came rushing
down the stairs.

'I've been calling you all morning. Where have you been?' She yelled.

Joey silently walked past her and put the stuff he was carrying in the
hall. He blew a kiss on Brianna's stomach to make the baby laugh.

'Meals on wheels is here, gorgeous.'

Joey walked into the living room and Kelly followed him. She sat down on
the couch and reached for Brianna. Joey looked over his shoulder and saw
that Lance still hovered at the front door.

'Come on. It won't take long.'

Lance reluctantly entered the living room, appearing in Kelly's line of
vision for the first time.

'What's he doing here?' Spat Kelly.

'He is here because I want him here.'

Kelly rose to her feet and walked to Lance. 'I thought that we had an
agreement Lance.'

Lance nervously bit his lip. She wouldn't do anything to him here, would
she? But Kelly already launched for his throat, knocking them both to the
ground.

'He is mine. I told you that.' Kelly hysterically yelled as she squeezed
Lance's throat closed.

'Mine all Mine. He doesn't want a fag!'

'Kelly!' Joey's voice boomed through the room and suddenly Kelly's weight
was lifted off Lance.

He struggled to get some breath. Deep red welts covered his throat where
Kelly had dug her nails deep into his skin. Lance closed his eyes and
started to shiver. He still couldn't breath. It was as if her hands were
still on his neck.

'Shh, it's ok, it's ok.' Joey pulled him in his arms. 'Come on, breath.'

Lance finally managed to get some air in his burning lungs.

'She tried to kill me.' He whispered.

'She is gone. I sent her upstairs and she will be out our lives by noon.'

Lance clamped to Joey's chest. 'She tried to kill me.' He repeated again.

Joey kissed his damp temple. 'She won't hurt you again. I promise.'

Joey held Lance until he had stopped shivering. Brianna had been quiet the
whole time but now softly started to wail.

Joey released Lance. 'I have to feed her. Or do you want to do it?'

Lance looked up at Joey. 'Can I?' he whispered.

'Yes, I'll take care of miss Trouble upstairs.'

Joey prepared a bottle for Brianna and gave Lance a few pointers before
leaving the room.

Lance watched Brianna suck on the bottle, a little fist making sure that
the bottle stayed in place and her eyes slowly started to close.

**

Lance and Joey fell into a happy routine. They'd make love several times a
day and spent the rest of the time with Brianna. They talked about
everything; their hopes, their fears and their future, together and with
the band. Joey told him that he never really wanted to leave the band but
that it was his last try to get Lance to notice him.

They tried to put off the inevitable but Lance had to meet the others. Joey
arranged for them to come by one evening and Lance was a nervous wreck all
day. Finally the doorbell rang and Lance's ordeal was about to start.

Justin was the first to arrive. He silently greeted Lance and Joey and sat
down in a corner of the couch. JC and Chris arrive five minutes later and
Lance had already bitten his lip twice.

Joey poured everyone a drink and cleared his throat. 'I'm sure that I don't
have to explain why we are. It's obvious that we need to talk about our
future.'

'Do we have a future?' Asked Justin.

'We do but it won't be the same as we had planned.' Answered Joey. 'Lance
won't be able to dance anymore. Or at least not at the old level.'

Lance looked at the faces of the people seated in front of him. JC was
emotionless, Chris frowned and Justin stared at his hands.

'Listen, I reached a point where I wanted to leave Nsync. I couldn't, nor
did I want to go on like this. Lance and I have talked about this for hours
on end and we want to go on, but what do you want?'

'I.' Chris said. 'I need a guarantee of Lance. Will he stay clean? Can we
trust him enough?'

'I don't want to start something only to see it end before it should.' JC
looked at Joey and Lance.

'Can I say something? ' Lance softly asked.

Joey squeezed his hand.

'I can't turn back time. I'd really like to but I can't change the
past. I've said and done things that I shouldn't have and I'm sorry. I have
been clean for a while now. I can't raise my right arm over my head anymore
and I won't be able to walk without a limp. It's my own fault. I didn't
have the guts to tell you that I am gay.  I thought that alcohol and drugs
would be able to ease the pain I felt inside but it didn't. The pain only
went away when I spoke from the heart.'

Lance paused for a second.

'I know that you don't trust me and it will take a while before I can
restore that trust. Joey doesn't even fully trust me and that hurts but
it's a price that I'm willing to pay.'

'We tried to get close to you Lance but you refused any form of help. It
wasn't easy to stand at the side line while you played with your life.'
Justin's voice was filled with pain. 'I continuously asked if I was the one
to blame. I'm willing to give it another go but I need some honest
answers. Will you go to a therapist to sort out your problem? Will you talk
to us from now on?'

Lance nodded. He would walk on his hands for a year if he had to.

'There is something else we need to talk about. I know that there are still
things to talk about concerning our future but this is rather important.'
Joey wrapped an arm around Lance.

'Lance, Brianna and I are a family. I love Lance and he loves me. I'm
partially to blame for everything that has happened in the past
months. Lance and I will go public soon but only if you agree. It will mean
that we will tell all.'

JC started laughing. 'We already figured that you were involved. I just won
a $100.'

Then his face turned serious. 'It's your life guys. Just be prepared for
what may happen. I'm behind you all the way. '

'Yep, same here.' Chris said. 'You are doing it safe right?'

Lance started to blush and buried his head in Joey's shoulder.

'Is this a good time for a group hug?'

Justin didn't wait for an answer but dived straight on top of Joey. Chris
and JC followed his example.

Lance started laughing and closed his eyes. The first of many steps was
taken.

**

Joey followed the deep singing voice to find Lance sitting at the pool. He
held Brianna and dipped her in the water. The baby laughed loudly and Lance
seemed so relaxed. The last few weeks had been hell for the both of
them. They had gone public and Lance had told his story about his
addiction. But they both survived.

Joey stepped on the terrace and squinted his eyes. There was something new
written underneath the angel on Lance's back. Joey moved closer and sat
down next to Lance. He gave his lover a kiss and leaned back. Three new
words were added to the text.

My angel, Joey.

The End.

Thanks for reading and remember that feedback (good or bad) can be send to
Alecsandria@yahoo.com .