Date: Sun, 14 Jan 2001 00:49:26 -0500 From: Rick Chasez Subject: Cold (boybands) Disclaimer: This is not true. Ce n'est pas vrai. Nicht wahr. Mentiras. Got it? Sorry if it's depressing. ---------------------------------------------------- COLD By Rick (rick_chasez@mtv.com) ---------------------------------------------------- The room is still dark. It feels cold. As cold as my days have been since the first time I heard the word. Cancer. It was like a stab right through my heart. At first I didn't want anyone to know, but with time it became more difficult to hide I was sick. The others noticed; especially JC. Josh. Why? Why did this had to happen to me? Why did I act the way I did? Now everything is lost. People say we should never take anything for granted. But I did. I thought that everything was eternal: my youth, my health, my fame... and also love. I was in denial. It couldn't be happening. NOT TO ME. Not to someone that has everything you could wish for, because now I realize that I had everything. And I didn't appreciate it. The girls loved me, they threw themselves at me. And I had a different one each night. And yes, I noticed the hurt in Josh's eyes every time. But I didn't care. It was his fault. When he told me he was gay, I was ok with it. We had been friends almost since I can remember, and I wasn't going to judge him. But when he said he was in love with me, I drew the line. I told him to fuck off. Those were my stupid words. I won't live enough to regret them, as I now know. I broke his heart. He was never the same again. I was angry, why did he have to ruin our friendship? But after months of thinking about it for whole nights, I began to realize that my feelings for him were also deeper than what I wanted to admit. The damage was done, though. We only spoke the necessary and he didn't even look at me. My soul died first. I killed it and also Josh's. God! I was blind and couldn't see beyond my pride and my need to be recognized. And suddenly, it was all gone. The group began to fall apart. Josh didn't feel like writing any more and we started hating each other. All I could see were their defects and thought I was the only one worth more than a dime in that group. When I found out about my disease, I decided to drop the group. Without the two lead singers, what could a band do? We each went our separate way. Secretly, I didn't want them to pity me, these men were my friends, but they couldn't see me cry, they shouldn't see how weak I was. But, it's difficult to hide something like this. They discovered my secret and they came to see me and asked me why didn't I say anything. Pride won again and I dismissed them. How much does it take for a man to learn his lesson? I'll tell you, when you're near death, you learn it. I asked their forgiveness, but the only one who I need never came. Josh hasn't shown up and I don't think he will. I don't blame him. I destroyed his life and his dreams. Fuck me! Someone turned on the light. It hurts and I don't want anyone to see me like this. It's all blurry. There's a man standing by the door. My eyes can't focus too well.... But it seems like it's him. Or maybe one of the doctors, my brain now is completely fried. He's next to me, I sense him. He feels warm, please touch me. Whoever you are, just make the coldness disappear. He said my name. It's his voice. Josh. I try to see his blue eyes but my sight is gone, just like everything else. I feel something wet in my cheek, it must be one of his tears. I hate myself, I have made him cry for so long and even now I inflict him pain. He touched my hand. I can't speak either, I can't ask him to hold me and forgive me. His skin is the softest thing I've felt in weeks, now everything that touches me is metallic and cold. Like those needles. I know he hates needles, he must be scared in this place. He is whispering my name. I guess he kneeled because I feel his breath next to my ear. He asked me to forgive him. Please, I need to tell him that I was wrong, that it's me who he needs to forgive. I think I'm crying. I hear him cry too. Please don't go. Don't leave me alone. I'm scared, I'm cold. It's cold. It's all black.