Date: Tue, 12 Dec 2000 01:02:10 EST
From: SpazMaster00@aol.com
Subject: Lost Part 1

Lost
By Thian

feedback: spazmaster00@aol.com
Disclaimers: all the usual applies....Don't know the guys :( and I
don't know of their sexual orientations. Don't read this if it's illegal
for you (too young).If it offends you to read about m/m stuff (can't say
sex...it's not here yet), hit that delete key, we'll all be the better
for it. Angst warnings galore.....

I wanna thank the wonderful people at nsyncslash and joshslash...you all
rock! Some stories that i personally adore: Scarce Heard by Colleen,
Cosmic Companions (OMG, LOVE IT), Brian and Me, Dying Eyes and a whole
bunch of others....rock on.

Now....on with part one:
==========================================

The sky was grey on the last night of the "No Strings" tour- a sky that
JC would remember for the rest of his life. It was a day that destroyed
his life, and quite possibly his career. It was the day he dared to bare
his soul.

He'd told Justin a secret - one he'd been hiding all of his life. Justin
had damned him for it. He'd been damned for being himself, and for loving
another man. Over the years, JC had gotten used to the cruel jokes and
snide remarks, but the fact that they were now coming from his best
friend...well, it wasn't good.

The rain had started to fall as JC looked out the window. He didn't want
to believe that that was really Justin running from him, but he had no
choice. Justin *was* running from him, whether it was from fear or not,
it didn't matter. What mattered was that Justin wasn't there when JC
needed him the most.

JC turned from the window, willing the tears to remain unshed. As much as
he wanted to, he couldn't allow himself to cry. That would mean that
Justin won. It would mean that everything he'd said to JC was right. It
would mean that JC really was a pussy, a wimp and a faggot. "Men don't
cry!" JC said to himself.

He found his way through the clutter and chaos to the bed. He cleared
what was left of his unpacked clothes and collapsed. He pulled the covers
back and crawled onto the mattress. He welcomed the warmth and the
security that the blankets had willingly provided. "Justin should be my
security" and that last thought of Justin proved to be too much for
JC--the tears came.

The first wave of tears was light, but as his thoughts progressed, he
found that he couldn't control the flow. As he lay in a ball, he couldn't
help but wonder what he'd done to Justin to receive his hate. The tears
continued, now uncontrollably as JC lay curled up in his lonely bed.
Through his anger and pain, sleep finally came.

He awoke a few minutes later to the sound of knocking on the door. He
briefly thought that it could be Justing wanting to apologize, but
quickly scratched that idea. Justin had made is position quite clear.
Slowly, he rose from the bed, stumbling again over the clutter that
Justin had left behind in his haste.

JC made his way to the door, warily wanting to see who it was on the
other side. As he reached for the doorknob, he noticed a tremble in his
hands. Considering the emotional shock he was going through, it was no
small wonder.

He opened the door to find Chris waiting patiently on the other side. He
admitted his visitor with a wary eye and unsteady hand. Chris gave him an
odd look and entered the room.

"What's up, drone-head?" Chris asked, jokingly. "Bad night with a
groupie?"

"Not funny Chris. Have you heard what happened?" JC solemnly asked.

"It was hard not to hear the shouting. I'm sorry buddy, he'd no right to
treat you like that." Chris said pulling JC into a hug.

At the physical contact, JC found the tears returning. Unwilling and
unable to stop them, he just let them flow, freely. Chris held tightly as
the younger man shook in his arms. Chris was dumbfounded at the way
Justin had treated his friend- saying the thing's he'd no right saying.
And now he was gone, not a trace, not a clue as to where he'd gone.

"Have you all found him yet?" JC managed to ask.

"Not yet, Joe and Lance are still looking, New York is a big city." Chris
said drolly as he gently rocked JC in his eager arms. As much as he hurt
for his friend, Chris couldn't help feeling some sort of contentment
comforting him.

"How much did you hear?"

"All of it." Chris said flatly, "Why didn't you ever tell us?"

"I was scared...scared that you all would react the way Justin did." He
croaked between sobs. "Why was he so...so mean? So uncaring?"

"First, we all love you- no matter what"

"THEN WHY DID HE LEAVE! WHY DID HE LEAVE ME HERE ALONE!" JC screamed at
the older man. "He can't love me" he finished with a whimper

A new wave of emotion overswept JC as he desperately clung to Chris's
stability. "How is it that Chris was always the stable one?" he wondered.
He was always the guiding force. Through all the trials and tests, Chris
always stood strong. He was a rock for the other guys.

"Why, Chris?" JC was pleading for an answer. He needed an answer- some
sort of explaination. "He said that everything we've done together,
everything that I was, was a lie. He said that I mean nothing to him
now." he finished, anguish apparent in his voice.

"There's only one person who can answer tha--"

"Yeah, and he's gone" JC cut him off. "Who do I have now? I have
nobody..."

"Don't be so sure of that," Chris thought, hugging JC tighter.

So, they sat in silence. A deafening, heart wrenching silence that Chris,
despite his efforts, could not lift. He understood what his friend was
feeling, fore he too had reacted once the same way Justin had. Chris knew
Justin well enough to know that he'd reacted out of
hatred/loathing/disgust. But Chris had reacted out of fear- out of
misunderstanding.

It was a long time ago that one of Chris's friends had come out to him,
admitting his feelings for the singer. Chris had shouted a long stream of
hateful words, words that he now regretted. They were words that caused
him to lose one of the greatest friends of his life. All because of his
fear of being gay himself, his fear of being hated himself.

And now JC is on the recieving end of such hatred. Chris had devoutly
wished that Justin had never said those things. And he hoped even more
that Justin didn't mean them. Only time would tell, and Chris would be
here to see JC through it.

If Justin did come around, Chris was sure that he'd have to set aside his
feelings for JC. He didn't want to stand in the way of something that JC
thought he wanted so badly. He'd just have to wait and see.