I'm lost, I'm lost without you baby, The days aren't the same the nights are cold and gray, I need you in my life, If not now then someday... --- Vanessa Williams

Lost Without You
Chapter 29, Part A
by JT Poole

April 22, 2005 -- Orlando, FL -- JT's House -- Chad's Bedroom

Chad's POV

This day is already starting off bad and it's a little after seven in the morning. I've been sitting here in bed staring at the ceiling for a good twenty to thirty minutes and I know it's time I should be getting up. I really don't want to go to school today but I have no choice in the matter. I wish I could stay here but that's out of the question, daddy would have a freaking coronary if I even suggested missing school. Things are really different between me and daddy now. I know he's still pissed at me about the stuff I've done and the things I said, but I thought he would've gotten over it by now. We've talked all this stuff out over and over again and it doesn't seem to be getting better. It's like he can't even stand to look at me or something. I guess that's why Brian comes in to wake me up in the mornings now. I wish he could see that I do love him and that I'm really sorry. I miss spending time with him.

I might as well go ahead and get up before Brian comes in to get me up. It's Friday and I have a lot of stuff to do today. Once school is over I have to go to the church to do my after school project better known as my payback the guys job. Once I'm done working today I can get away from that church and get away from Father Hannigan. I tell you, if I have to be around that man one more day I might have to go to juvie for beating the heck out of him for touching me inappropriately. I know Brian and his friends think he's a nice guy but I'm not one of them. Father Hannigan gives regular priests a bad name.

"Morning buddy boy, time to get up," Brian says, walking into the room to see me already pulling my clothes out for the day. "You're already up?"

"Yes, I'm already up," I say, picking up my things and walking into my bathroom. "What's for breakfast?"

"Baby's cooking some grits, eggs, toast and bacon," he says, leaning up against the door frame as I brushed my teeth. "So this is your last day at the church. You'll start at Jive Monday."

"I'll be working at Jive with Daddy?" I ask, looking at him as he nod his head.

"Well you won't be working directly with him but you will be the afternoon office gopher," he says, turning around. "Hurry up, he's dropping you off at school today."

"Okay, let me get dressed and do my hair," I say, rinsing and started stripping out of my pajamas as Brian closed the door.

Downstairs -- The Kitchen

"What's shaking baby?" Brian asks, walking up behind JT as he kissed him on the cheek.

"Breakfast is almost ready baby," JT says, smiling as he stirred the grits. "Where is Chad?"

"He's getting dressed and doing his hair," Brian says, taking a seat at the table.

"If he doesn't want to be late he best hurry up," JT says, pouring himself a cup of coffee as he walked over to the wall panel and pressed a button. "Kessa if you want food I suggest you get up now and come down here. Once it's cold it's cold."

"You know she's going to be really pissed at you for waking her up like that," Brian says, laughing now as they both heard footsteps above them. "I guess that's the little mother now."

"Well she just have to be mad then won't she," JT says, turning around and going back over to the stove as he picked the bacon up out of the frying pan and laid the pieces on the paper towel. "Chad better hurry up. It's almost eight."

"I'm here daddy," Chad says, running into the room and sitting down at the table.

"Well it's about time," JT says as the gate alarm sounds. "Who could that be?"

"I'll go see baby," Brian says, getting up from the table and walking over to the security panel. "Baby were you expecting JC to be here this morning?"

"No, is that him out there?" JT asks, looking around at Brian now.

"Yes baby, he's outside at the gate," Brian replies, walking back into the room as the alarm sounded again. "Should I let him in baby?"

"Lawd, I guess you can," JT says as Brian walked back around to the panel and pressed a button. "I hope he's not coming here to whine and moan about Nikki again."

"Well I guess you'll find out when he walks up here," Brian says, going to the front door now as JT placed a plate of food in front of Chad.

"Eat up, you got less than twenty minutes to get a full belly," JT says as he took his apron off and laid it on the counter. "I'm going to get dressed. Be ready to go when I get back down here."

"Yes sir," Chad says, taking a bite of his bacon.

"Alright let me get back to my chow," Brian says, sitting down at the table and taking a sip of his coffee.

"Good morning guys," JC says, walking into the kitchen as Kess walked into the room and sat down next to Chad.

"Good morning Aunt Kess," Chad says, taking a sip of his juice. "Good morning Josh."

"Morning kiddo," Kess says, frowning as Brian got up, walked over to the stove, picked up a plate and took it over to her.

"Morning Chad," JC says, smiling at Chad and then looking at Brian.

"This is for you," Brian says, smiling as Kess smiled at him and took the plate from him. "Eat up missy, you have a meeting with the girls and I have a meeting with some guys at Jive dealing with the guys."

"Do you need me to watch Baylee today?" Kess asks, looking at Brian now.

"Not today, I'm going to take him with me," Brian says, finishing up his food and getting up to take his plate over to the sink.

"So any of you guys heard from Nik Nik?" JC asks, looking at Kess and then around to see Brian.

"Nope, I haven't heard from her at all" Kess replies, popping a piece of bacon into her mouth.

"Me either," Brian says, looking down as he rinsed his plate out and then put it into the dishwasher. "I hope she's going to be back in time for me and JT's wedding. If she's not here then that will just break his heart."

"So no one knows how she's doing at all?" JC asks, looking at Brian and Kess. "Something can be wrong with her if no one has heard from her."

"She's with her mom. I'm sure Jackie is taking care of her," Brian says, frowning now.

"How do we know that? We don't know what's going on wherever they are. She can be somewhere hurt or worse," JC says as JT came down the stairs and stopped behind him.

"Please tell me you're not whining again," JT says, straightening his tie as he walked over to the table and took a sip of Brian's coffee.

"I miss Nikki just like you miss her," JC says, looking at JT now.

"I miss her but you don't see me whining about her every time I go some place like you do," JT says, putting Brian's coffee mug down. "Honey you need to lay off the sugar. Don't forget to call Dayna so she can make arrangements for you and Chad's to get fitted for your tuxedoes."

"I did that yesterday and we'll go by her shop when lil man is done working at the church," Brian replies, leaning against the sink now.

"Good," JT says, looking at the clock and then over to Chad. "Chad are you almost ready?"

"Yes daddy," Chad answers, drinking his juice and then putting his glass down as Brian walked over and picked up his dishes.

"Go get your things buddy boy," Brian says, patting Chad on the backside. "Baby can I talk to you in private for a moment?"

"Sure," JT says as he walked into the living room as Brian put Chad's dishes in the sink and then joined JT in the living room.

"So how are things gong with you and Diamonds?" JC asks, turning around to look at Kess as she covered her mouth, got up and ran out of the room. "Was it something I said?"

In the Living Room


It's getting late and Chad is dragging around. I don't know why that boy drags his damn feet in the morning when he knows he has to be at school and I have to go to work. I sent Brian up after him a long time ago and it's like that's even a waste of my time and energy. If I can get my ass up, he should be able to get his up too. I started cooking breakfast around six forty-five and that lil brat should've been down around seven fifteen. Like every morning it takes him thirty to forty-five minutes to get his ass downstairs to eat. Some of these mornings I'm going to go up to his room and douse him with cold water and that should get his lil ass up. Time's pushing and now Brian is slowing things up. I wonder what it is he wants to talk about...

"What's up baby?" I ask, looking at Brian as he stepped over to me and kissed me on the mouth.

"Baby I have something to say and I don't want you to say anything until I'm done talking. What I'm about to say may piss you off but I don't care but it needs to be said," Brian says, frowning now as I cross my arms across my chest.

"Well say what you gotta say mister," I say as he sighs and looks down.

"Well...ah...when...when are you going to stop acting like a spoiled brat?" He asks, looking at me funny now.

"What do you mean acting like a spoiled brat Brian?" I ask, looking at him funny now. "What're you talking about?"

"I'm talking about the way you've been treating Chad. He's your son damnit and you act as if he's nothing or he doesn't even exist around here at times," he says, looking me in the eye now. "You treat him so cold. It's not right baby and you know it. You're all he`s got now and you need to get over whatever it is you're dealing with."

"I don't have time to talk about this," I say, turning away from him as he grabbed my arm to stop me.

"Well you need to make the time baby. I'm tired of hearing him cry in the middle of the night when he thinks we're asleep. Haven't you punished him enough?" He asks, looking down now. "I know he did the wrong thing and I know he said some hurtful things but all kids do that."

"Brian..." I say but he shook his head.

"No baby, you need to stop treating him like he's the scum of the earth. It's like you treat him lower than you treat Lance. Chad is sorry for what he did and he's sorry for what he said to you. He didn't mean it and you know it. He was just mad because of the way things were but this is now damnit. He doesn't deserve to be punished for something he said in the heat of the moment. It's over baby, let it go," he says, shaking his head now.

"You let it go Brian!" I shout, turning away from him now. "My son told me he didn't love me and that he wished I wasn't in his life! He said I was evil and wasn't capable of doing anything remotely right!"

"He said those things because he was mad at the way things were. You had no control of Tasha not telling you that you had a son. You had no control of her dying like she did. You can't control the outcomes of things like that baby and you know it. He was..." He says as I interrupt him.

"I can't control that stuff but that didn't stop him from saying the things he said or stole the things he stole so he could get away from the so called `evil' man that caused so many problems in his life," I say as Brian shook his head.

"It's apparent that none of this is sinking in with you baby," he says, sighing now.

"Brian I see where you're coming from and I understand very much what you're saying here but I...I don't know how to deal with this anymore. I love him but I'm doing what I can to not impinge too much on his life. He doesn't want me in his life and I'm doing what I can to honor his wishes. I'll provide for him and such since he's mine but I won't give him any more reason to believe that I'm the root of all evil for his life," I tell him as he sighs again.

"Baby you're actually making things worse for the both of you. You don't need to be pushing him away the way you are," he says, pulling me close to him.

"Well I don't know what else to do to make things right," I say, crying softly now. "How do you show someone that you love them when they hate you?"

"You continue to show them love not push them away baby," he says, kissing my cheek now. "I know you love him and he loves you but you two need to get past this. It's hurting both of you and when you two hurt I hurt."

"I know you do Brian but I wasn't trying to hurt anyone, I was trying to protect me," I say, looking him in the eyes now.

"I know baby but you don't need protection from your son," he says, caressing my face now. "He's late, take him to school and then you pick him up from the church tonight and you two go somewhere and just...just talk."

"I don't think that's a good idea baby," I say, looking down now as he lifts my chin and shakes his head.

"Baby you two need to get past this," he says, kissing my lips now. "I'm going to get Baylee and I'll see you two later on tonight when you get home. And baby, I love you."

"I love you too Brian," I say as he let me go and walked away as I looked down again and then walked back into the kitchen to get Chad so he can get to school.

Later on -- Jive Entertainment -- The Sound Studio


I don't know why Brian and JT are frontin' the way they are. I know JT is missing Nikki just as much as I am. I don't know why he's always picking on me whenever I ask has anyone heard from the woman I love. I'm getting tired of the way he treats me. He acts as if this doesn't hurt me that she's gone. I miss Nikki and I need her. I love her but I guess she doesn't really care. This hurts so bad...

I've been in this sound booth since leaving JT's house and I can't seem to get my mind on what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm supposed to be doing some tracks for a remix single I'm going to release soon but I just can't focus on that. Sighing, my concentration is broken when I hear someone calling my name.

"JC...JC are you going to start any time today?" The sound engineer asks, looking at me crazy now. "You only have two hours to get your tracks recorded."

"Sorry," I say as the red light comes on and I start singing the first thing that came to my mind.

Why does it hurt so bad
Why do I feel so sad
Thought I was over you
But I keep crying
When I don't love you
So why does it hurt so bad
I thought I had let you go
So why does it hurt me so
I gotta get you outta my head
It hurts so bad Oh it hurts so bad baby

My life's been better
Since the day I left you boy
I must admit life's been kind to me
I went and did the things I said I would do boy
I found someone who loves me for me
Haven't had much drama since the day that we split boy
My heart's never been more at ease
And when I think of all the things you put me through
Leaving you has been the best thing for me

So why does it hurt so bad
Why do I feel so sad
I thought I was over you
But I keep crying
When I don't love you
So why does it hurt so bad
Baby I thought I had let you go
So why does it hurt me so
I gotta get you outta my head
Hurts me so bad
Hurts so (yeah you do)
Hurts so (hurts me so)
Hurts so bad (did you know)
Hurts so (that it hurts me so)
Hurts so (so bad, hey hoh)

Never again that's what I said to myself
I never wanna feel kind of pain again boy
Just when I think it's over
Just when I think it's through
I find myself right back in love with you

So why does it hurt so bad oh baby
Why do I feel so sad
(thought I thought I) Thought I was over you
I keep crying
When I don't love you (when I really don't love you boy)
(oh no oh no oh no oh no it hurts so bad, oh tell me)
So why does it hurt so bad
I thought I had let you go (thought I could let you go)
You could
Gotta get you outta my head
Boy you hurt me so bad
Hurts so (yeah you do)
Hurts so (hurt me so)
Hurts so bad (hurts so)
Hurts so (sure you did)
Hurts so (make me wanna make me wanna shoop shoop)
Hurts so bad (hurt me so, gotta shoop now, hey hey hey hey)
Hurts so bad (Hurts me so)
Oh why, you hurt me so bad
Bad... (how bout that?)

Where in the hell did that come from? That wasn't what I was supposed to had sung but I'm sure he got it and from the look on his face he's not happy about it either. Hmmm, I wonder if Whitney would mind me releasing a cover to her song. If I released this, everyone that knows me would know who it is I'm talking about and it will only cause more problems. I want Nikki in my life; I don't want to push her away. I need to find her and quick.

Burlington, VT -- The Shangri-La Hotel -- Lance's Hotel Room

Lance's POV

I must've been out of my mind when I agreed to come here to Burlington Vermont with Paris and Joey. When Justin, Mom, Dad and Stace find out what I've done this time they're going to be more pissed off with me. How in the hell could I have been so damn stupid?

When Joe told me that we were going on a trip I said fine. When he told me we were coming here I was under the impression that he was dragging me here so that I could marry him but boy was I wrong. What I've done is a crime against nature but Joe forced me to do it to get back at me for causing problems with him and Kelly.

I don't know why he's so pissed off with me for. I'm not the one he should be mad at. If he wants to blame someone he needs to look in the damn mirror. He's the one that cheated on her; he's the one that got arrested for raping Howie. I had nothing to do with any of that shit.

"How is the happy groom doing this morning?" Joe asks, walking into the room with that skank.

"How do you expect me to be doing?" I ask him, getting up as he glared at me and I sat back down.

"Well you should be happy now that you're married to Miss Hilton...ooh I mean Mrs. Bass here," Joe says, smiling as Paris leaned in and kissed his lips. "I hope you had fun last night."

"No I didn't have fun last night!" I shout, getting pissed off now. "You tied me to the damn bad and fucked me while she used me! What's the fun in that?"

"I know you don't like pussy all that much so I decided to fuck you on your honeymoon night," Joe says as Paris walked over to me and sat down, rubbing her hand on my crotch now.

"I don't mind it that you don't want to have sex with me," Paris says, smiling at me now as she licked her lips and looked at Joe. "We're only married in name only. So I can keep doing what I want and you can keep getting the dick up the ass all you want."

"I don't get dick up the ass often," I tell her as she looked at Joe and then back at me.

"Baby you're stuck with us now and you're going to be getting dick up the ass," she says as Joe leaned in and kissed her lips. "That's how baby wants it."

"Well I don't have to do what baby says," I say, glaring at Joey now.

"Oh yeah you do," Joe says, smiling now. "If you don't do what I say, I'll fuck up your life forever like you fucked up mine!"

"I didn't fuck up your life," I tell him.

"You fucked up my life royally and I'm doing to you what you did to me. You fucked me over and now I'm fucking you over," Joe says, sitting down next to me and slapping me in the face lightly. "You might as well get used to this."

"I'm not going to get used to this," I say, shaking my head as he grabbed my chin and stopped me.

"Oh you're going to get used to this. Right now I have you right where I want you. Justin doesn't want you anymore, JT can't stand you and Jon wouldn't dare look at you. Right now you have no one to turn to. Since the information of what you did to JT and Jon got out, no one will even help you, so again, you might as well get used to this," he says, smiling now as the harsh reality of it all sunk in.

"I bet you had something to do with that information getting out," I say as he shook his head.

"Nope, you did that all by yourself," he says, smiling as Paris started undoing my shirt. "I'm going to handle some things; you take care of him for me."

"Will do baby," Paris says, undoing the belt on my pants now. "I'll be sure to do what you told me to do to him."

"Good," Joe says, walking to the door. "I'll be back in a couple of hours. You make sure you don't knock her up now you hur."



I don't know any of the members of N SYNC, Backstreet Boys or any other celebrities mentioned. I don't know anything about their sexual orientation or the orientation of any other celebrities in this story (even though I wish some of them were gay). This story is fiction and you shouldn't take it for anything else but that. This is for entertainment value only folks.

Author's Note: Why Does It Hurt So Bad by Whitney Houston is owned by her and the song's respected writers. I didn't write it nor did I sang it for money. You know the drill here.