What If

I sighed in frustration and sat back to wait as the cars slowly crept forward. I wish this wasn't the only road to our house. I could turn around and take a detour, but there wasn't any other way. I glanced at my watch and saw that it was almost five. He should be home now, assuming he had gone to visit his Mom earlier. I smiled to myself. I knew he would go to her, tell her about our stupid argument. That didn't bother me. I loved her almost as much as my own mother. I knew she would listen to him objectively. And knowing her she would say 'Well were you flirting? Did he have reason to be jealous?' And he would say 'I guess so.'

I sighed again as the car moved forward. I knew he had just been flirting. It was just in his nature. I also knew that he loved me. After the years we'd been together as friends before we became lovers, there was never any doubt that he loved me. But I still hated when he flirted, especially with me in the room. It didn't give me the right to yell at him though. I knew I had said some harsh words to him before I stormed out of the house. I regretted them instantly, but my pride kept me from turning around and immediately apologizing.

I remembered the first time I had seen him. He was just a boy, but God what a beautiful boy. I was immediately drawn to him, not sexually, not at first. But I felt protective of him. We became instant friends and that friendship never wavered. Despite the highs and lows of our careers, our loyalty to each other was never questioned. I was always at his side as he grew up into the incredible man he is today.

I glanced at the seat beside me to the two dozen roses lying there. I wanted to get back to the house and see his smile when he saw the roses. I knew he would forgive my stupidity. Then I would feel the softness of his lips on mine. I shivered slightly knowing the joy those lips could bring me.

I couldn't help but remember our first kiss.

The tour seemed to be never ending. I just wanted to sleep. But I couldn't. The past few weeks I'd noticed a change in him. He was pulling away from me and I didn't know why. I decided that I would find out tonight. We had checked into a hotel because we were doing two concerts. He quickly grabbed his bag and went to our room. Our room. We always shared. It was just assumed that we wanted to bunk together. Maybe that was the problem? Maybe he was getting tired of me. God I hope not! He was seventeen now and I'd finally admitted my feelings to myself. Somehow, I'd fallen in love with him. But my feelings didn't count now. He was my best friend, my little brother and something was bothering him. I had to help.

I opened the door to the room and looked around. Already his clothes were strewn everywhere. I smiled. I was surprised to see that the television wasn't on. Then I noticed his figure standing out on the balcony. I set my suitcase on the empty bed and walked over to the half-opened door.

"Hey," I said softly.

He turned and smiled at me, but the smile didn't reach his beautiful blue eyes. "Hi," he responded.

"Can I join you or this a party for one?" I asked lightly.

He laughed quietly and I knew he welcomed my company. I walked over and stood beside the railing, but I didn't look at the view, I looked at him. He gazed out at the sky and didn't speak. I finally broke the silence.

"Tell me," I said gently.

His blue eyes turned to me and my breath caught in my throat as I saw the sheen of unshed tears. I needed to know what was causing him so much pain.

"Please tell me what's wrong," I pleaded, reaching out to push his soft hair back from his face. "Maybe I can help."

He smiled weakly. "Why are you so good to me?" he whispered.

That was an easy question. Without even thinking I smiled and answered. "Because I love you," I said softly.

He looked at me intently and I realized what I'd said. But I suddenly didn't regret it. It was the truth and I wasn't about to start lying to him, not after everything we'd been through together. I met his piercing eyes without flinching.

"How do you love me?" he asked then, never changing his gaze.

Ah, he wanted me to say it. Say it aloud. I wondered for a moment if I could, having kept it inside for so long. But then one look at his sweet face and I knew I would shout it from the roof if he asked me to.

I smiled at him openly. "I hope this won't affect how you feel about me. But I guess you should know that I love you. I am in love with you. I finally figured that out a few months ago," I admitted. My body tensed as I waited for his reaction. I was fairly confident that he wouldn't hate me for it. In our business, you meet many gay and bi people. I'd never heard him say anything negative. But having your best friend admit to being in love with you could be a little awkward.

He stared at me for an eternity, but didn't speak. He turned back to the railing and looked at the scenery. Was that it? Was that the response I was going to get from my best friend? How had the conversation turned to me anyway? I had come out here to find out what was bothering him, and instead, I confess my love for him. I sighed loudly and turned to go back into the hotel room.

His hand reached out and grabbed my arm. I stopped. He turned his cerulean eyes to me. "I'm afraid it does affect how I feel about you," he said quietly and I felt my heart drop to my feet.

I clenched my teeth and stared at my feet. I nodded. "Okay," I whispered. Please just let me go back inside!

"Yeah, it means I can stop pretending that I love you only as a brother," he said quietly.

It took a long moment for all of his words to sink in. 'only as a brother' Did that mean…? I raised my eyes to look at him and found a huge grinned plastered on his face.

He laughed at my shocked expression. "Now do you really think I could ever hate you?" He shook his head and pulled me against his lean frame. His arms wrapped around my back and held me tight. Was I dreaming now? "You wanted to know what's been bothering me? I realized a few weeks ago that I was in love with my best friend, but I was too afraid to tell him," he whispered. God, if it is a dream, never wake me!

He pushed me back from him and I met his clear blue eyes. This time I could see the love there, and it was unbelievable. I grinned wildly and pulled his face to mine. "I love you," I said before our lips met. If someone had been watching us, I'm sure the sparks that exploded as our lips touched blinded them. I had never even imagined that his lips were so soft and sweet tasting. I didn't care if our lips ever separated again.

My attention was drawn back to the road as I noticed we were just creeping around the bend. I peered around the cars and could see billowing smoke and a large tanker truck. It looked bad. As the traffic moved forward, I could see the tanker was on its side. Fire trucks and police were everywhere, continuing to battle the blaze.

My car slowly moved forward as the police directed traffic, forcing cars in both directions to share a single lane. As I got closer to the accident, I began to realize why it was so serious. I could see the burnt out shell of a car, flattened beneath the overturned tanker trailer. Someone had obviously been killed. I shuddered and turned my attention back to the road.

"Keep your eyes closed," he whispered in my ear as he led me down the hall.

"I am," I said softly as I held tightly to his strong fingers. I was happy we had the entire floor to ourselves. The others had gone out to a club, but we had decided to stay in. My baby made me stay in the lounge until he had a surprise ready, then insisted on blindfolding me. At least no one else would see me. And for him, I'd do anything.

I felt his hands stop me and I heard him close the door. His arms wrapped around me from behind and he pulled the blindfold off. I could only stare in amazement. The room was filled with flickering candles. The light from the flames danced across the walls. Soft music played on the stereo and I could see a bottle of champagne beside the bed. My eyes glistened as I turned to him. He smiled and my heart melted.

"What's this all about baby?" I asked softly, reaching out to touch the flushed skin of his cheek.

He smiled and the color rose more in his face. "I love you," he paused. "And I want you. I want to be with you completely," he said softly making my breath catch in my throat.

We had been 'going out' for five months, but neither of us had been in a hurry to completely consummate our relationship. Both of us were happy to spend time with each other, in each other's arms, kissing, making out, and showering together. We had been friends for so long that we were already very comfortable in the other's company. Now, even more so.

His intense blue eyes were staring at me, waiting for a response. I stepped closer to him and brought his lips to mine. "I would be honored to make love with you," I whispered.

He surprised me again by picking me up and carrying me to the bed, gently laying me on the soft mattress. I could only stare lovingly up at him. He stepped back from the bed and began to slowly strip out of his clothes. My eyes took in his smooth chest as the shirt was removed. It was like I was looking at him again for the first time. And falling in love all over too. My hands instinctively reached up wanting to feel the soft skin beneath them; run my fingers over the small brown nipples until they stood erect. But he kept moving out of my reach. He began to remove his pants, slowing pushing them down his hips and thighs until they hit the floor.

I could clearly see the tent in his boxer-briefs. My own groin surged in response. I licked my lips in anticipation and he giggled. Even more slowly, only to prolong my agony, he pulled on the elastic waist of his underwear and pushed them down his body. The front finally slid far enough down his thighs and his hard erection popped out, lightly slapping his abdomen. I could only stare at the sight before me.

"God you are beautiful," I finally managed to whisper and he smiled.

He stood straight and allowed me to admire him. "You like?" he asked with a grin.

I held out my hand. "Come here," I ordered hoarsely. This time he took my hand, allowing me pull him onto the bed on top of me. Our lips met again and I wanted to simply devour him.

The fire was out now and I could see the firemen carefully looking around the charred vehicles, making sure nothing was left smoldering. It didn't surprise me that an accident like that had happened. I always hated this corner. It was blind and you couldn't see what was coming around from the other direction until you were almost on top of the other vehicle.

It was finally my turn to pass the truck's cab then I would be home free. I took one last glance at the smoldering wreck…and my heart completely shattered in my chest. Somehow my hands managed to turn the wheel as I pulled off to the side, facing the accident. I squinted my eyes, trying to see in more detail. It couldn't be. No. I can't accept that. My vision must be blurry from the smoke.

BANG! BANG! I jumped then I realized that there was a police officer banging on my car window. I instinctively rolled the window down.

"Move along buddy!" he said shortly. "This ain't no side show!"

I had to drag my attention away from the crushed car to the officer. "What…" Oh God, I thought I was going to hyperventilate. "What…the license plate?" I managed to get out, pointing shakily towards the wreck. I couldn't stop the tears that began to fall. I looked up at the man. "Please…." My body began to shake. It can't be. Please God!

The cop looked at me intently. "Do you know the car?" he asked intently.

How could I answer that? I can't say yes. I can't. "I think so," I whispered, all the while the voice inside my head was screaming NO! Please let me be wrong!

The car door was opened and I felt a hand on my arm. "Why don't you come with me sir?" he said.

I had no choice. I numbly got out of the car and followed the cop. My mind refused to deal with the reality and slipped back to a happier memory.

"Are you sure about this sweetie?" he asked me for the tenth time as we finished getting dressed in our hotel room.

I zipped up my jacket and turned to look at him. He was still in the bathroom fixing his hair. "Don't you think the guys should know, baby?" I asked as I leaned against the doorframe. "We've been together for six months now, I think they are starting to get suspicious."

He finished his hair and turned to me with a huge smile. "How's it look?"

I grinned and stepped forward to lightly kiss his soft lips. "Perfect, as always." I wrapped my arms around him. "And stop avoiding the subject," I added. He giggled softly. "Honestly baby, would you rather they find out by accident? I think they would be hurt and disappointed," I said quietly.

He sighed and hugged me tighter. "I know…" he hesitated for a moment. "I just…I just don't want them to hate me, hate us or look at us like we're freaks or something," he admitted.

I pulled back so I could see his face. "Love, they are our brothers. They may not agree with it, but I don't think they will do anything to hurt either of us. And I honestly think they will be happy for us," I said.

He took a deep breath and gave me his million-dollar smile. "Okay. Let's go do this!" He took my hand and led me to the door.

We walked down the hall to the next room and opened the door to find the others already there. Before walking into the room, he instinctively dropped my hand from his grasp. I immediately missed the touch, but knew it would only be a little while longer, before we didn't have to hide.

I decided not to wait for the others to settle down. "Guys, can I have your attention?" I said loudly. Everyone quickly focused on me. I glanced at my love and could see his nervousness. I was nervous too, but had to be strong for him. "Um, guys we have something to talk about before we deal with any other business. I …um…I have an announcement to make…"

My love stood up suddenly. "WE have an announcement to make," he said loudly, walking over to my side. I couldn't help but smile lovingly at him and he reached out to take my hand. Before we could say another word, the room erupted.

"Yes!"

"Didn't I tell you!"

"When did it happen?"

"Who won the pool?"

I could only stand and gape at my friends and band mates. They were laughing and talking among themselves, arguing about a betting pool. I glanced at my love and found a stunned, but smiling expression on his face. I pulled him to me, and leaned over to kiss his ear. "See, I told you…no problem," I whispered with a smile. He giggled softly and reached up to gently stroke my face.

"God I love you!" he murmured before his lips found mine.

"Sir? Sir?" An insistent voice brought me back to the horror of reality. The cop had led me to the officer in charge of the accident.

I looked at her. "Yes?" I whispered hoarsely, my throat suddenly parched.

"You told the officer you recognized the license plate of the car involved?" the Sergeant asked.

I looked around me numbly watching the firefighters gathering up their water hoses. "I think so. I…I didn't get a good look," I finally said quietly. "What was the plate?" I asked, my entire body strung taut.

The Sergeant looked at her clipboard. " NO1 5BB," she said.

My legs gave out and I collapsed to the ground. The officers and a paramedic rushed over to me, but it didn't matter. The moment the cop read the letters and numbers, my world buckled in around me. I remembered when he got the license plate. A fan had ordered it for him and he thought it was cute. He was told it stood for number one five-member boy band. Despite my objections, and the objections of the rest of the guys, he kept the plates.

I was helped to stand and led over to the back bumper of a police cruiser.

"Are you okay sir?" the paramedic asked. I stared at him blankly. He picked up my wrist and took my pulse. "Sir, what is your name?" he asked. I tried to pull myself together. I told the medic my name and forced my attention back to the cop.

"That plate…the car…belongs to… a dear friend," I choked out. "He's my life," I whispered. Tears began to stream down my face.

"Can you give us any more information?" the Sergeant asked.

I gave her what details I could, stumbling over my love's name. "He was probably on his way home," I said softly. I told her where we lived.

"You live together?" she asked.

I looked up sharply. "Yes," I said bluntly, not willing to deal with any snide comments.

She smiled slightly. "How long?"

"Almost two years," I said softly.

She nodded and I could tell she knew who I was. "You've done a good job keeping your relationship a secret," she commented. I had to agree. That was one of the things we had been arguing about lately.

"Hey sweetie, do you really think us coming out would end our careers?" he asked. Every couple of months, the subject came up again.

I turned away from the stove where I was heating some soup. "Baby," I said with a sigh, "you know how bad it would be." I looked at him sitting by the table. He was sad. I turned down the soup and walked over, sitting down on his lap. I lifted his chin with my fingers. "I love you. You know I do. And we both know that this boy-band thing will be over in a few more years. But right now, there is more than just you and I to consider. We have to think about the other guys too," I said gently.

He sighed and frowned. "You always use the same argument. I've talked to the others and they support us one hundred percent. They would stand by us if we went public. And I think our fans would too," he said quietly.

I put my arms around his neck and tucked my head against his shoulder. "I never thought for a moment that the guys wouldn't support us, baby. I just don't want our coming out, to prematurely end everyone's careers. I would love to believe that the fans would support us. In theory, they probably would, at least the ones who could accept the fact that they will never marry you," I said softly. I could feel the muscles in his neck move as he smiled.

"But I guess we would have a problem with all the fans who dream of marrying you, huh?" he murmured and hugged me tightly.

I kissed his throat lightly in response. "They never stood a chance," I whispered.

I jerked back to reality as the Sergeant said my name.

"Sorry?" I said quietly.

She smiled sympathetically. "They are getting ready to move the tanker and pull the car out. After that, the coroner will remove the body. Is there anyone I can call to come be with you?" she asked.

I had to think about that. I couldn't face any of our friends right now. God, how was I going to tell his mother? If I hadn't snapped at him and run off this morning, he wouldn't have been alone. I wouldn't be alone right now. Even if we had both been in the car, at least we would have been together. I ran a shaky hand across my face, wiping away tears I hadn't noticed falling.

Finally, I shook my head. "No. There's no one. Not right now," I said quietly and stood up unsteadily on my feet. I looked at the Sergeant. "Do you think…" I swallowed thickly; the words didn't want to come. "Do you think that once the car is out, I could have a moment, before the coroner…?" I couldn't finish but she understood my question.

She patted my shoulder gently. "I'll see what I can arrange. Why don't you wait over there," she said and pointed towards the side of the road overlooking the valley. It was away from the traffic and the accident.

I nodded and slowly walked over to stare down at the city below. For once, my eyes didn't register the beauty of the scene. Would anything ever appear beautiful to me again, I wondered? Images began to flash through my mind; his wondrous smile that would light up a room. His brilliant blue eyes that sparkled with love every time he looked at me. His joyous laughter that was so infectious no one could resist smiling. I could hear his deep moans and little gasps of pleasure as we made love.

"Sweetie?" Oh God, now I'm hearing voices! I wanted to stand up and scream. I couldn't take it. I couldn't live without him. He was my world.

"Sweetie? It's okay. Everything is okay now," the voice said. I felt a hand on my shoulder and jerked away. I stood up and whipped around ready to scream at the person interrupting my thoughts.

Clear cerulean eyes froze me. I stared in wonder and confusion at the beautiful blond man before me. Was I hallucinating?

"Baby?" I whispered in disbelief, sure the apparition would disappear at any moment. It didn't. Instead the vision smiled and his beauty blinded me.

The vision stepped closer and I couldn't move. A hand moved up and tenderly touched my cheek. The hand was made of warm flesh and blood. He was real! "Oh God!" I gasped and nearly collapsed to the ground. But strong arms quickly grabbed me and pulled me against a solid body. I ran my hands over his body. He was real. He was alive. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

He held me tightly to him and stroked my back as I shook. "Shhh. It's okay sweetie. I wasn't in the car. I took my brother to Universal. I didn't know my car had been stolen until we were ready to leave. My cell phone was dead and I tried calling yours, but there was no answer. As soon as I could, I borrowed Mom's car to come home. I was worried when I couldn't get a hold of you. I'm so sorry lover," he whispered. It didn't matter. None of it mattered now. He was safe, and alive and in my arms. That was the only thing of importance. I refused to let go of him.

He slowly pulled back so he could see my face. God, I must look a mess! He smiled at me and gently wiped my face with his fingers. "I love you so much! I'm sorry about our stupid argument this morning," he said sincerely. "I promise I'll try to stop flirting so much."

I shook my head and smiled at him lovingly. "Don't. Its part of what makes you, you. And I love you." I meant it. His flirting didn't matter, not when I thought about losing him completely.

He leaned forward and I finally felt those lips, lips I was sure I would never feel or taste again. We stood like that for a few minutes.

"Oh shit," he whispered quietly.

What now? I pulled back to look at him. "What's wrong baby?" I asked. He was looking over my shoulder at something. I turned to see and immediately noticed the television cameras pointed in our direction. They were filming us. And suddenly, it didn't matter to me. I almost lost him. I didn't care if the world knew how much I loved him. I pulled his attention back to me. "I love you and I don't care who knows!" I declared, smiling at his surprise. I grabbed his hand and turned to walk towards the cameras. "Come on baby! Let's go share our love with the world!"