Date: Sat, 27 Apr 2002 14:57:01 -0700 (PDT) From: John Walsh Subject: Fraternity Memoirs Part 14 Fraternity Memoirs - Part 14, Hell Week Continued This is a story that contains male to male sexual content. If you don't want to read such a story, then what are you doing here? If its illegal where you are, then leave and write your Congressperson. All rights to this story are held by the writer and should not be posted anywhere else besides Nifty without my consent. Well how the hell is everyone? Good, I hope. No, I'm not dead. I'm alive and well! Been a little side tracked lately with work and life. But all is well here, and I have finally got myself back to continuing the story. You'll be happy to know, that I have the next three chapters written already, and I will be posting them over the next couple of weeks. I have many e-mails to reply to, and I will try to get back to all of you. Thanks for sticking with me, I hope I didn't lose the interest of too many of you with my long sabbatical. Someone made me aware that my "One Year Anniversary" had passed and I was like shit, I got to start writing again. And then I was like SHIT, I can't believe its been a year already! All right, enough already, back to the Memoirs... "Ok, Dad," I said into the phone as the tears began to swell in my eyes and my voice tremble. "Yeah, I guess so. What time?" I asked. "Ok, I'll try be ready at 4:00," I replied, the tears rolling down my cheek. "Yeah, I'll be OK." "I love you too, Dad. Bye." As I placed the phone in the cradle, I broke down and started sobbing. Matt was at my side the entire time, listening to my side of the conversation. He took me in his arms and hugged me tightly... ___________________________________________________________________________ I'll keep Thursday night of Hell Week short because it is a night that I absolutely despised. It wasn't the most difficult of nights, but to me it was the most demeaning. We were blindfolded and put in cars. We could not see where we were going and I had no idea just how long we were in the car. But it was at least 3 CDs length. We were led into a house and down a long flight of stairs. When we removed our blindfolds, we were standing in a basement with about 40 strange college students wearing the letters of our National Fraternity. We were at another chapter's House on another campus. Which chapter and what college we had no idea. They quizzed the fuck out of us and told us what a bunch of losers we were and how we would never be worthy of being "Their Brothers". The thing I hated most about that night was their "Trust a Brother Test." There was a tub filled with water in the basement. They made us take off our shirts and they tied our hands together behind our backs. One by one, they held our heads under the water, attempting to drown us. The point was to trust them, that they would let us up just at the right time. If we fought them and came up too early, we had to do it again. Most of us came up heaving and choking on water, to the amusement of the Brothers. God I fucking hated that night. The feel of a stranger's hand holding my head under the water. For what? To trust some idiot that I didn't know and would probably never see again? Even worse was watching them do it to my fellow pledge brothers. Watching Matt and CJ and even Kevin struggle and thrash was torture. I gave Adam a hard stare. He caught my stare, but looked away. I was fuming the whole ride home blindfolded. I tried for a long time to put an end to that evening for future pledge classes. Eventually I got my way. By the time that we got back to the House, it was an hour till we had to be in the Student Center. We were working on the second night without sleep and I was totally exhausted. I also hadn't showered in two days. I was becoming really moody and grumpy. We had to get in soon or I was going to go crazy. Friday night we were again blindfolded and put in cars. This time we were instructed to leave the rocks at the house. We drove for a long time and then the cars came to a halt. Where were we going now? Another chapter's house, I wondered? We were taken out of the cars and told to remove the blindfolds. This time, we were standing outside and in a cemetery. What the fuck are we going to do here? Dig up a dead body? It was pitch dark besides the glow of the moon. We were commanded to line up. "Strip!" Adam instructed. Fuck! Didn't these guys know how cold it was out here? We did as we were told and started stripping. As soon as I had my shirt off, my muscles clenched from the wintry air and a huge shiver went through my body. When we got most of our clothes off, we were told that it was cold out, and we could keep our underwear on. Gee, how nice of them. A lot of good that was going to do keep us warm. When we were down to our boxers, the instructions were given. As we listened, we jumped up and down and rubbed our own bodies to keep warm as we listened. "Here is a list of names of 19 people who are in this cemetery. You must find all 19 names on the gravestones and memorize the years that each person was born and then died. You have a half hour to complete the task. Then come back here. When you get back to the house, you will report them back to us. If you get them all correct, we will take one day off of Hell Week, and you will do Sunday's activity tomorrow (Sat.) night. Any questions?" Damien raised his hand with a question. "I just want to make sure we have this right. We run around the cemetery, find the graves of the people on this list and memorize the years that they died and were born. And we don't come back here till we have them all or the half hour is up? Or do we come back with each one as we find it?" "You find them all first, and then come back here. If the half hour is up and you haven't found them all, then come back here. Any other questions?" We understood. "No Pledge Masters," we said. "The last two pledge classes got all the names. Don't let us down and break the streak. Got it?" "Yes Pledge Master Sean," we replied. "Go to it then," and Adam held out the list. We grabbed the list and went running into the cemetery. We grouped really close around each other, forming a huddle so that we get some body heat for warmth. I had one arm over the naked back of Matt and the other on the back of Ben. I was rubbing my hand up and down them, trying to get all three of us a little heat from the friction. When I started rubbing, Matt returned the favor on my back. "How are we going to do this?" Ben asked. "We really need to work together if we are going to get all 19," Mike said. I looked out into the cemetery. It was big, but not huge. The moon was mostly full and it gave off a really good light to get the task at hand done. We could get this done if we wanted to. "One day off of hell week would be so NICE," Matt said as he continued to rub my back. "Getting our clothes back on would be even nicer," Evan chattered. "We can do this," Damien said, then added, "We have to do this. I'll read off all the names. Then each of us will take a specific name and a row. I'll continue to call out all the names while you guys search. If you find a stone that matches, call out. "If it's not the name you specifically took, shout out the name you found so whoever had that name knows to look for another. Each person will memorize the birth and death date on that tombstone. Sound like a plan?" "Let's do it!" Damien read out the names and then assigned one to each of us. I got Martha Langley. We took off in a hurry, running up and down the rows of tombstones, reading each one. All the while, Damien continued to shout out the names. It felt really creepy walking over the graves of dead people in bare feet, feeling the frozen grass on soles of my feet. Almost sacrilegious. As I stepped over people's grave, reading their names, I gave a little apology, `Sorry'. "Got one," I heard Matt scream. A couple of the guys ran over to him, but I continued my search. A few moments later, another one was found. Then another. We got like 10 of them right in a row. This was going to be easier than we thought. "Regroup!" Damien yelled. We all ran back to Damien. Everyone was breathing heavy from running around and had sweat beading on their foreheads. It's amazing how we could be so cold, yet sweat. "OK, lets sound off the names that we got so we can concentrate on the names that we don't," Damien said. Those that had found a name started saying them out loud. Damien tried keeping track, but it was hard. "Damn, I wish I had a pen to mark these names off." Then Damien reached down and pulled a piece of dead grass. He rubbed it over the name and it left a mark. He was a smart dude. We had 8 names left to get and 11 minutes remaining. Martha was still on the list. We continued our search as Damien screamed out the names. I wondered whom this Martha was that I was searching for. How did she die? Was she young? Was she hot? I was on a mission to find here grave. Little did she know while she was still alive that her gave stone would become the attention of 19 college students pledging a fraternity. I heard a few more "Found One's" from the class. I continued my search as a few of the guys regrouped. About a minute later we were updated to the screaming voice of Damien, "Three more to find and 5 minutes left!" He gave the name of the last three names, and Martha was till on the list. I scrambled up and down the next row. I so wanted to take a night off of hell week. To get in. To wear the letters. But mostly to be done with pledging. I wanted to sleep for two days straight without interruption or an activity to run off to. I wanted things to go back to normal again. "Got James Dulvaney!" I heard Matt yell. Two left. "Just under two minutes," someone announced. The pressure was on. Where the fuck are you Marta? Were you this difficult in life? I was cursing out a dead woman. I was in the back row and had run almost the whole cemetery. Could I have missed her? And as luck should have it, the last row, second to last grave was Martha's. Thank fucking god. "Found Martha!" I alerted everyone. `Beloved Daughter. Born 1952. Died 1970.' Damn, she was my age when she died. Damien came running up to me. "Nice fucking job Walsh!" he said as he wrapped his arm around my shoulder and shook me. Both of us were slightly sweaty from running around, and I could feel the slipperiness between our skin. "Make sure you memorize the dates." "Times Up!" CJ screamed. We still were missing one name. Danielle Swailin. We were fucking pissed and screaming as we regrouped. Most of us had our hands on our knees, leaning down and breathing heavy. "Fuck, we were so close," Kevin said, "This sucks!" "I ran through this whole cemetery and I didn't see her name anywhere," Mike said. "The Pledge Masters are going to be pissed," Matt said. We were dreading going back to them and telling them that we didn't get them all. We began the walk back to the pledge masters. As we walked, I noticed for the first time that Anthony's chest was still bare. If you recall, Anthony is the pledge that had one of the hairiest chests I had ever seen. Not sure if it was his doing, or his girlfriend's, but it looked so much better. "This is where we pulled up, no?" Evan asked. I looked around. It looked like where we pulled up, but the Pledge Masters and the cars were gone. And so were our clothes. What the fuck? "Yeah, look, there's the tire tracks," Kevin pointed out. We all gathered around and saw the fresh tire tracks. This was definitely where we were dropped off. "Fuck. They left us!" Matt yelled as he started looking all around. "Where the fuck are we and how are we going to get back?" Ben asked the group. Standing around was doing us no good as I noticed that I was shivering and hugging myself for body heat. "Anyone have any idea how long we were driving for? How far away from the House we may be?" CJ asked. "It wasn't as long as last night, but it had to be at least 20 minutes," Damien added as he jumped up and down to keep warm. "Maybe they just went to get coffee or something and are just a little late," Evan suggested. "Doubt it," Anthony added, "They are never late." "So what should we do?" Evan asked. "Well, we can't stay out here too long with no clothes on, or we're going to freeze our asses off," Matt chimed in. I looked around at everyone, and it was evident that people were already freezing. Everyone's mouth was chattering and people were doing anything to keep warm. "Lets head out to the road and see if we recognize anything. Maybe we can call someone for a ride or something," Damien recommended. "We can't walk around in our fucking underwear," Craig stated, almost yelled. "Chill out Stevenson," Kevin reprimanded Craig. "We can't stand here waiting in our underwear either. They're not coming back for us." "Well, we're gonna get picked up by the cops or something if we there are 19 guys walking down the street in the December in only underwear," Craig snapped back. At that, everyone started yelling at each other and arguing about what we should do. My patience was wearing thin and I was fucking freezing. "Guys, fucking stop arguing. This is just another test to see how well we can work together and we're failing miserably. Here's what we are going to do," I said as I took charge of the situation. "Ben, CJ and Damien, you guys go check out the roads and see if you can recognize anything. Don't go too far. See if you can find a pay phone or something and call someone. Otherwise, be back here in twenty minutes. The rest of us meanwhile are going to go through this cemetery till we find the last name. Sound like a plan?" "Yeah, sounds good Walsh," Damien responded. "We'll be back in twenty minutes, make sure you find that last name." The three guys took off for the road and the rest of us scrambled to find Danielle Swailin. Up and down the rows we ran on a mission to find her. We decided to run two together just to double check that we didn't miss her. I was just about to give up hope when I heard Anthony yell "I fucking found her!" We all ran over to where Anthony was, and there she was. Danielle Swailin. Born 1929, Died 1991. She didn't have a head stone. Instead, it was a plate in the ground. Thank God we found it. Hell week would be one day shorter. "How did you find it?" Matt asked. "I stubbed my toe on it and I was like what the fuck is that," Anthony told us as he rubbed his toe, "So I looked down and sure as shit, it was her name." We did jumping jacks to keep warm as we waited for the guys to get back from their search for a phone or something recognizable. A few minutes later they came back, but didn't see anything, not a phone or sign of civilization. We shared with them the good news that we found the last name thanks to Anthony's toe. There was a short celebration again, but we needed to get back to the house. We had been outside, pretty much naked, for probably close to an hour and I could feel hypothermia setting in. Much to the chagrin of Craig, we decided to start jogging until we found something. We hit the road and had to make a choice, go right or left. When in doubt, go right I suggested. We went to the right and jogged and chanted to keep our mind off of being cold. About 5 minutes into running, we heard a car coming up to us. We stopped and watched the car as it approached. We jumped up and down trying to get the car to stop. It did, and the window rolled down. It was a couple of high school aged girls, whose tongues were pretty much hanging out of their mouths at the site of us. Kevin went right up to the window and I could see the girl on the passenger's side eyes open wide as she stared at Kevin's smiling face. He squatted down next to the car and leaned his arms against the door. "Hey," he said with all his charm and widened his smile. "Thank God you girls came along. We really need your help. My name is Kevin and these guys freezing their asses off are my Pledge Brothers. We're pledging a fraternity and trying to get back to The University. Can you tell us how far away we are?" The two girls looked at each other like they couldn't believe what they had driven up to and started giggling. "You're only a couple of miles away," the girl driving smiled. "That's it?" Kevin asked, surprised. We were all surprised. I assumed that we were at least a half hour from campus, not minutes away. "Yeah. If you keep going the way you were heading, you'll hit Blah Blah Ave, and if you're really from the University, you should be able to find your way from there. Unless you guys want like, a ride or something?" "A ride would be really cool," Kevin said, "If you would do that for us," with a wink and another smile. How could she say no to that? "Well, my Dad would like totally freak if he knew that I had college guys in my car, but you look freezing. I can't fit all of you though," she said as she looked around at all of us. "How about you squeeze what you can of us in, and then we make a second trip?" The two girls looked at each other and seemed to be speaking to each other silently. I had moved closer to the car and saw the girl in the passenger seat nod her head in agreement with Kevin. "You guys aren't like psycho frat killers are you?" the chick driver asked. Her comment sounded comical, like she was making a joke, but there was a hesitancy in her question none the less. Kevin turned to the group and said to the girls while peering at us, "Look at these guys freezing in only their underwear. We're harmless, trust me. We just need to get back to campus. And imagine the story you can tell on Monday to the rest of your friends, that you had 20 hot fraternity guys, in your car, wearing nothing but boxer shorts," and Kevin turned his gaze away from the crowd onto me, and winked at me. I felt myself slightly blush. This was classic Kevin and the charm was on. "Alright, squeeze in then," the driver said, a smile on her face. "Thanks," Kevin said. I think it was the first time I had ever heard Kevin say thanks, to anyone. At least in a genuine manner. We all started saying thanks to the girls. Kevin opened the back door and hopped in first, sliding all the way over to the far side. I was right behind him, so I followed him in. The heat in the car hit me immediately, and made me shiver even more for a minute. The other guys started piling into the back seat. "We need to fit like 9 guys in here, so we're going to have to lap it. Come on Walsh, get on my lap" Kevin said and patted his thigh. I shot him this look, like, "You better not be up to anything, there is a car full of people in here." He just smiled back at me, still tapping his legs. So I got up and sat on his lap, and the rest of the guys duplicated our move. We were able to squeeze 8 guys in the back, and another two in the front with the two girls. 10 in total. The other guys 9 guys had too wait for the second trip. "I can't believe we are doing this," the girl driving said as she shook her head and put the car in drive. "You have no idea how much you girls are doing for us," Ben said, who was sitting in the front seat. "What's your names by the way?" As the front seat had a little conversation, I settled in on Kevin. My right leg was between his legs, and my left leg pressed against the outside of his left leg. My ass was right in his lap, and my back pushed tightly against his bare chest. We were really crammed in the back seat, and there wasn't much room to shift. It was really easy to feel Kevin's dick against my ass, with only the fine material of underwear between us. And if I wasn't mistaken, I could feel Kevin's dick getting harder against my ass. It even felt like he was pushing up a little against me. I felt really embarrassed that this was happening with all the guys around. Kevin had no qualms. I'm sure that nobody else could possibly know what Kevin was doing, but still, I knew. We were pressed against the car door. I felt Kevin move his left arm a little and he placed his hand high on my left thigh, just shy of the end of my boxer leg opening. He cupped the end of the boxers in a fist and pulled them up my thigh, just a little. The whole time his thumb was rubbing against my skin, playing with the fine hairs that I have there on my leg. I could feel his now fully erect dick between my ass crack and all I could think was, "Oh God. Not now Kevin. Not now Kevin." It wasn't like I could say anything. And as embarrassed and mortified as I was, my dick began to swell as well. I couldn't believe that he was doing this to me here and now. He was totally taking advantage of the situation, and in a strange way I found it a total turn on. He knew I was powerless in the situation. He continued his slow and steady pull up of my boxers until the left leg was up against my hip bone and my left ass cheek was exposed. The rest of the guys seemed to notice nothing and were having a small conversation about how lucky we were and that the Brothers were not going to believe this, and they debated if they should even tell the Brothers. Maybe after we got in. Meanwhile, I sat there silently, stuck between disbelief and being turned on, as Kevin furthered is covert operation on my leg. I held my breath and stiffened a little as I felt his hand let go of my boxers and slide his hand to the inside of my thigh, tickling me. His thumb slipped to the inside of my boxers and twirled my pubic hair that had grown back since the camping trip. The feel of his hand there made my dick go bone hard. Ever so slowly, he worked his thumb and two fingers further into my boxers. With his two fingers, he brought then under my balls and started gently caressing them, with his thumb hooked over the root of my hard dick. I let out a sigh at what he was doing to me. Not a loud one, but a sigh none the less. His fingers made their way up and over my balls, until they were under and up against my hard dick. With his fingers and thumb, he rolled the skin around my boner. And speaking of boners, Kevin was rock hard under my ass. He wasn't moving, but it was pressing and straining against me. It felt really big under there. With very small strokes, Kevin began pulling the skin of my dick up and down. Probably not more than a quarter or half inch in either direction, but it felt unbelievable none the less. I looked between my legs, and although I could see his hand in my underwear, the movement under my legs was barely noticeable. I moved my look from between my legs to the guys to my right. Nobody seemed to be on to us, so I decided to just relax and enjoy it. I let the tension out of my body and I pressed into Kevin a little more. I closed my eyes and just focused on what Kevin was doing, paying no attention to anything else that was going on in the car. His pace was so slow and gentle that I knew I wouldn't climax, but it still felt immensely good. His grip was tight and I realized a weird connection between Kevin and I. It could have been as simple as mutual enjoyment, but as I sat on his lap, I felt that we were, I don't know, one? It seemed almost cosmic that Kevin and I met, that we pledged together and tented together, and well, you know the rest. I was really at peace, introspecting and enjoying the pleasure that Kevin was giving me. It was a weird feeling, almost a moment of Zen, if you know what I mean. But then I heard Ben say, "Make a left here, and the House will be up on the right." I sensed the car turning and opened my eyes and saw that we were turning onto the block that the House was on. "You probably shouldn't drop us off in front of the House, since we're not all together," Kevin said as he startled me. I thought he would have been in the same moment as me, but he was more cognizant of the situation than I was. Kevin gave another stroke or two, and then slowly pulled his hand out of my shorts and pulled the leg of them back down. I missed his grip right away, but I became suddenly aware of the dilemma that I, we, would be in. We were rock hard with no outer clothing to hide it. How the fuck were we going to get out of the car? "Let us off at the next corner," Kevin instructed. The car came to a halt at the corner and everyone started piling out of the car. Kevin didn't open the door on our side, and everyone went out the door on the sidewalk side. It took a few moments, as we were the last ones to get out. I had heard a trick once that if you squeezed the head of your dick, it helped to get your erection down. So I was squeezing like crazy as we waited to get out. For once in my life, my dick was actually doing what I wanted it to do, and it started to down a little. It was still chubby, but I wasn't tenting or anything and not a dead giveaway. I wondered if Kevin would have such luck. I slid across the seat and got out of the car. The cold was immediately there again, and that helped with my dick as well. I turned to see the predicament that Kevin may or may not be in, when he closed the door while he was still in the car and rolled down the window. "I'll ride back with the girls so they aren't alone. You guys may want to walk down the side street a little in case any of the Brothers come to the House so they don't see you. We'll be back in fifteen." "OK, don't fool around, come right back" Matt added. He never trusted Kevin. "Ah, yeah, OK Belford, whatever," Kevin said snidely back. Matt (Belford) and Kevin still didn't quite get along. As the car pulled away, Kevin and my eyes met, and he smiled and gave a wave. We walked up the block a little and sat along a stone wall in the cold as we waited for the rest of the guys to come along. Sure enough, about fifteen minutes later, the car pulled up on the corner. The guys started getting out of the car and we walked up to meet them. CJ was getting out of the front seat along with Evan. "Thanks so much for the ride," CJ said, "We have a party at the House pretty much every Saturday, so you should come some time and bring some of your girlfriends." "Maybe we will," the girl in the passenger seat said, "Thanks!" "Cool. See you again sometime then," CJ replied as he closed the door. "Goddamn," CJ said as the car pulled away and the girls waved good-bye. "I need to get laid soon, I'm hitting on High School chicks now I'm so fucking horny." "Just a few more days, CJ," Matt said as he put his arm around CJ's shoulders, "We'll be wearing the letters and getting laid at will, just a couple more days." "Dude, its going to be fucking great," CJ said. "Well CJ, maybe those High School girls won't be sacred of your uncut monster," I joked. "Fuck off Walsh," CJ yelled back at me. I laughed. "What?" Matt asked. "Nothing Matt, just an inside joke," I said. Damien was back into being in charge and made us go over the names and the birth and death years that each of us had memorized. We had them all. It wasn't hard to do in front of each other, but in front of the pledge masters, it was a different story. We better get them all, we so wanted a night taken off of hell week. We walked up to the house and sure enough, the cars that had dropped us off at the cemetery were parked outside. We noticed in the back seats were all our clothes. We tried opening the car doors, but they were all locked. We approached the door and didn't know quite what to do. Should we knock? We decided it best to knock. About a minute later, we heard feet approaching the door and it opened. It was the Sergeant at Arms, and he was once again dressed up in the robe with his face all painted up. "Follow me in silence," was all that he said. As we made our way into the House, I saw that house was blacked out, lit only with candles, and the same music was playing as the other night, "O Fortuna" from Carl Orff's cantata "Carmina Burana" (thanks for the clarification from some of the readers!). Oh no, not again. This was like déjà vu. We were led back to the sunroom. The SA pulled out a piece of paper and started reading out the names, one by one. The pledge that had memorized the birth and death dates gave the information back to the SA. When we were done, the SA said, "Well done, you got all of them correct. I will let the Pledge Masters know. That will be one day off of Hell Week." We all screamed in celebration. "I SAID SILENCE!" the SA scolded. "I can take that day away if you can't follow instructions." We promptly settled down and were silent. "That's much better. Sit in silence and I will be back for you." We sat on the floor, still in only our underwear, awaiting what was next for us. One day off of Hell Week. We had done it. Maybe we would be getting in tomorrow night then, hopefully Sunday at the latest. Its hard sitting in a room in silence with like 19 of your good friends. We'd pretty much just trade looks with each other, rolling our eyes or making some kind of communication with body language. Eventually, after an agonizing who knows how long, the Sergeant At Arms came back into the room and took Craig Stevenson with him. The evening progressed much the same as the other night, but there wasn't the intermittent screaming that there was last time. It became evident after a few go rounds that we were being pulled out of the room in line up order. It gave a little piece of mind knowing when you would be going, unlike last time. I was 13th in line, so I had a ways to go yet, but at least I wasn't last this time. Finally it was my turn to go. The music was still playing and I followed the SA through the dark halls. I was led to one room, and hesitantly opened the door, awaiting another sheet to be thrown over my head. I edged into the room and saw that it was the executive board, also wearing robes and face paint, minus the President and the Pledge Masters. I took a seat in front of them. There was no small talk. The Treasurer went right into it, "Please say the Greek Alphabet three time before the match burns me," and he struck a match lighting it and holding it straight out. I was taken off guard, but quickly went into the alphabet as quick as I could. It was nerve racking watching the flame get closed to his fingers, and I prayed I didn't mess it up, but I was able to pull it out. The Treasurer blew out the match and placed it next to the others on the table. "Please give me the Principles that the Brothers hold Sacred," the Chaplain ordered. I took a deep breath. I had been studying these in the Student Center all week since the last time I failed this questions. I was going to take it slow and try not to get nervous. You don't know it, but these Principles are like 5 paragraphs long and not an easy thing to get memorized. "We, the Brothers of..." I started, taking my time and concentrating as hard as I could. I was doing good, and the Chaplin hadn't stopped me for any mistakes. "...promise to hold them true and self evident." "Correct Pledge Walsh, well done," the Chaplin said. "I'm going to ask you a few personal questions about the Brothers that we expect correct detailed answers on," the Historian said. His questions ranged from Brother's home towns, majors, nicknames, Littles, Bigs, etc,. about 15 questions in total. I got all of them right and was feeling really proud of myself. "You've done quite well tonight Pledge Walsh," Andy, the Vice President, said, "Very impressive. I will repeat the question that I posed to you last time, Are you ready to be a Brother." "Most definitely, Brother Andy," I responded. "Your journey is almost complete. But first, you must make a sacrifice. That is all that we have for you. The Sergeant at Arms will take you to the next challenge." "Thank You," I said and got up and went to the door. The SA was waiting for me and he walked me to another room. I went into the room and it was the President along with the Pledge Masters. I took my seat and the President began, "Are you ready to be a Brother?" he asked. "I believe that I am," I stated. "But already I can tell that you are not," he responded. "Why?" "What is the pledge class, Pledge Walsh?" "The Pledge Class is One." "That is correct. So wouldn't the appropriate answer to my first question, `Are you ready to be a Brother' be yes, WE are?" Fuck. I almost had a perfect answer evening. "That would have been the proper answer, yes." I looked at Adam, and he just stared blankly back at me. "Tonight you will have to make a sacrifice. It will be a difficult one, and I want you take your time and think it through before making your decision. In order for the pledge class to move along to the last phase of Hell Week, you must choose one of your Pledge Brothers who will not get the Letters. The pledge that is least worthy of Brotherhood. The pledge with the most votes will be escorted out of the House tonight, and the rest of you will continue the journey to Brotherhood. Please let us know your decision when you are ready." Fucking aye. That was one hell of a sacrifice. Pick one of the guys that would be booted out of the class, after coming this far? I quickly ran through the guys in my head. Sure, there were some guys that I wasn't great friends with, and would be no particular loss to my life, but still, who was I to make that decision for them. We've all worked so hard to get this far. I'm sure a few of the guys thought the same thing of me. "Can I ask a question," I asked. "What is it?" the President said. "Is this a trick? I have to say a name? I don't want to pick anyone. If someone is not worthy of being a Brother, isn't it a Brother who should say so?" "Didn't you just say that you were ready to be a Brother?" "Yeah, but that's not what I meant. And if that is what you were asking, then I would like to change my answer. No, I'm not ready to be a Brother." "The sacrifice still needs to be made. Every pledge class before you has made the same sacrifice, and now it is your turn. I realize that it is a difficult decision to make, but one that must be made none the less." Mother fucker. I was swimming with emotions, who to pick. There has to be an answer where no one gets picked. I was sure of it. I was searching for anything, and I came upon the final clue of the campus runaround. The pledge masters said it was a clue that would help us get into the Fraternity. Always put the good of the Fraternity and your brother ahead of yourself. That is the test of infinite brotherhood. That had to be it. Looking up at them, I said, "I have made my decision, and I would like to sacrifice myself." "Are you sure?" the President asked. "While that is a noble and valor answer, should one of your pledge brothers pick you, that may give you the most votes." I questioned myself for a second. But Adam's blank stare had turned to a proud look, as if his son had done well, and I knew that my answer was correct. "I am sure." "So be it," the President said. "We wish you the best of luck." "Thank you," I said and the SA escorted me out of the room. I was led down to the basement, which was completely black. I couldn't see anything, and the SA had to guide me down the stairs. When we reached the floor of the basement, the SA sat me on the ground, somewhere in the middle of the room. He then left me alone and went back up the basement stairs. I started to freak out a little, waiting for something to happen. But nothing did, at least not for awhile. As I sat there, I became aware that there were other people in the basement with me. Perhaps it was the other pledges, but it sounded like more people than that. Nobody was saying anything, but I could hear people breathing, a small cough or a shuffle of the feet. I kept waiting and expecting the worst. Perhaps it was a few Brothers watching over us, to make sure that we remained silent. As I sat there, I began thinking about my decision to sacrifice myself. I knew it was the right decision, but would everyone else? The consequences were high. If I got picked, I think I would go totally postal or something. After awhile, I heard another person being led down the basement stairs. Number 14. That left 5 more people to go. And as each person was taken down the stairs, I counted, till the 19th person was sat. The SA went back up the stairs, leaving the 19 of us, and a few Brothers, down in the darkness alone. I assumed that it would be revealed to us soon who, if anyone, would be let go. Come on guys, I prayed, please have gotten this right. A few moments later, we heard multiple sets of feet coming down the stairs. It must have been the executive board. I noticed that there was one candle lit, that the person leading the group was carrying. It was hard to see what they were doing, but they stood in front of us and put what look like a piece of paper into something. I know that doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but I couldn't see. "Please rise," Adam said, and all of us stood. I couldn't make out faces, just the bodies of my pledge brothers. "Come closer," Adam said. We moved in closer to whatever it was in front of them, all the pledges trying to look over our shoulders to see what it was. "What do you see, Pledge Walsh?" the President asked, who was holding the candle. He was cupping it, blocking most of the light that the candle gave off. I tried to focus my eyes, but I still couldn't make it quite out. "I see a chair, with some kind of a box on top of it, and it looks like there is something in it, maybe a piece of paper?" Its what I saw. I had no idea what it was, or what it meant. Perhaps the name on the piece of paper was the person who was voted out. "With the light of one, it is difficult to see, but with the light of many, you should be able to find your way," the President said. With that, he tipped his candle over, lighting a candle that Adam had in his hand. In turn, Adam lit Sean's candle. Each person turned to the Brother behind him, and lit his candle. As it progressed, the room became lighter, and we were able to see that there wasn't a few Brothers in the basement with us, it was all the Brothers. Slowly, but surely, the light of the one candle was passed from candle to candle of the Brothers, along the wall behind us, till the light made it all the way around, forming a circle around us and brightening the room. "Pledge Walsh, what do you see now?" I had been following the light, and now that the room was lit, I was able to see that I was right. "I see a piece of paper with some writing on it inside a black chest." "Please take the piece of paper out of the box and read it to your fellow pledges." I have to admit, I was nervous. "On this day, December the 16th, 199X, the Phi Class of XYZ Fraternity have successfully completed their journey towards Brotherhood, and are, from this day forward, Brothers for Life." Even though I had just read it aloud, it didn't quite sink in. To me or my fellow pledge class. We had been expecting the worst, and instead, were given what we had been working for, for months. It came as a total utter surprise. "Damn, how stupid are you guys, you're fucking Brothers," Sean said and the sound of bottles popping filled the room. We were showered with Champagne and finally realized that this was it. We were in! We started jumping and screaming like crazy under the rain of alcohol. Its hard to put in words what I was feeling, but I was elated beyond belief. Fucking aye, I was a BROTHER! I almost started crying in happiness and hugging my fellow pledges, correction, fellow Brothers. We were all hugging each other, soaked in beer and champagne, as the barrage of spray hit us. We were still only in our underwear and dripping with booze. After a few hugs, I came upon Kevin. We looked at each other a second, he opened his arms, and I hesitated, but then leaned into his hug. As we embraced each other, I could immediately tell that this hug was different than the others. It felt kind of sexual with him, but more than sexual, it was, I don't know, forgiving? It was like a make up hug. At least that's what I took away from our hug. As we settled down, the Brothers joined us in our circle, hugging us and giving us congratulations. There was still a domineering presence to them. I didn't quite feel as an equal, but that would come with time. Someone turned on some music and the basement turned into a party. Kegs were rolled out and the beer was flowing. One by one, the Brothers congratulated me. My emotions were running wild, and I didn't know how to react. Adam came up to me and had a spectacular smile on his face. He gave me a huge hug and lifted me off the floor. I returned his hug and was filled with tears. Obviously not tears of sadness, rather, tears of joy, of pure emotion. "Come on, I have something I want to give you." Adam said. He pulled me out of the middle of the group and into a corner. He handed me a wrapped box and a cold beer. "There's more, but open this first," he said. I took a long chug of my beer and put it down. I tore the paper off the box and pulled it apart. Inside, there was a shirt with letters on it. I recognized it as a shirt that Adam had worn many times himself. "These were the letters that my Big gave me when I got in, and I wanted you to have them." I was so touched. I gave Adam a big hug and held onto him for a minute. He was such an awesome guy. And he was my Big. I pushed my head through the neck of the shirt pulled my arms through the sleeves. The Letters. I was wearing them! I looked at my chest and rubbed my hands over them. They were mine. We were in. Holy fucking shit, we were in! I gave Adam another hug and turned to the group. Everyone was celebrating. I had to find Matt. He was in another corner with his Big. I ran up to him and showed him my letters. He was just given letters as well and was putting them on. "See, I told you that day you were thinking about quitting that we were almost in," Matt said kiddingly. "Matt, that was like over a month ago," I said back. "Regardless, what else did I say that night?" he asked. I searched for what else he said, "That once we had the Letters, we'd be getting a lot of pussy?" I said, but it sounded like a question. "Damn straight Bro, we got the Letters, so let the Pussy commence!" I had to laugh at him. I guess the Letters meant something different to everyone. To Matt, it was a status symbol, a reason for girls to sleep with him. Not that there was anything wrong with that, if it meant that chicks would fuck us because of the Letters, than bring it on. But I didn't pledge the Fraternity for pussy. I had plenty of that before I even had the Letters. I had pledged, well, at first it was the excitement and thought of being in a Fraternity. But the more that I think of it, I really pledged because of Adam. He just dazzled me, and I looked up to him, and well, wanted to be him. Now that I was in though, the Letters symbolized something that I had worked to achieve for 12 weeks. It was a trophy of my success. It was evidence of a bond between people that I was proud to call my Brothers. That night was a drunken mess. Between the keg stands, keg dances, beer bongs and pot, I was wasted. Everyone was wasted. There was chugging beer to the song... "Here's to Brother Woody, Brother Woody, Brother Woody. Here's to Brother Woody who's a Brother tonight! So drink mother fucker drink mother fucker drink mother fucker drink..." and you had to drink while they kept on sing and repeating drink mother fucker. The Brothers would start you with a fresh cup of beer, and sometimes it was as long as finishing a second full cup. If you recall, Woody was my Fraternity nickname. I had to drink to that song more than a few times that night. But my absolute favorite part of that night (besides getting in) was being able to join the Circle of Brothers for the Fraternity chant. It was Damien who started the first chant, and I was envious that I didn't. Brothers and new Brothers (our pledge class) ran from everywhere and did the chant. We screamed at the top of our lungs. We must have done the chant at least 10 times that night at varying points. Later on, Adam gave me the rest of my "getting in" presents. He got me a wind breaker, two shirts, a hat and a key chain that all had the letters, on top of his shirt that he had given me earlier. "Thanks so much Adam. I can't wait to wear these to the Student Center." "You're welcome John," Adam said. "So how does it feel to be in?" "It feels fucking awesome, I think. I don't know, it really has sunk in, you know?" "Yeah, I remember," he laughed. "So how does it feel not to be pledge master anymore?" I asked. "It's a huge relief bro. I am totally exhausted. And hopefully now that this is done, things will be a little better between Chele and I." "You're exhausted? I haven't slept in two days. I didn't know that Michele was still giving you a hard time." "Yeah, well, she hasn't spoken to me since Hell Week started, so I have some making up to do with her tonight." "So you're going over there tonight?" I have to admit, I was a little disappointed. It wasn't top on my mind, but subconsciously, part of me was looking forward to sharing the bed with Adam again. "Later, yeah. Don't worry though, I'm not leaving anytime soon. I'll probably wait till most of you guys pass out." "So I can crash in your bed then?" I asked. "Sure Bro, of course you can. What's mine is yours." Most of the rest of the night is a blur to me. I do remember getting all the pledges together for a toast to the Pledge Masters, that I gave. We came up with a plan to get a little revenge. "We'd like to make a toast to our Pledge Masters, Adam and Sean," I yelled to everyone in the basement. The Brothers gathered around and turned down the music. Adam and Sean stepped into the center of the room with us (the pledge class) standing in front of them. "You've given almost 12 weeks of your lives to make us into good Brothers. I have to admit that as tough as those 12 weeks were for us, I would do it all over again. I hope that you would say the same. But we'd like to thank you for all that you have done for us. "Before we drink though, I have one more thing that I want to say. The night of the camping trip, when we were around the fire, I wrote something on that piece of paper that was thrown into the fire that I want to share with the rest of the Brothers. "I wrote, that when we were in and wearing the Letters.." and I turned around, pulled down my underwear and mooned the pledge masters and the Brothers, "...That the two of you could kiss my fucking ass," and the rest of the pledge class turned around and mooned the Pledge Masters. We pulled up our shorts after a few seconds of mooning and turned to face the Pledge Masters again. All of the Brothers were laughing and so were the Pledge Masters. "So from us to you, here's a BIG FUCK YOU!" "FUCK YOU!" the pledge class screamed as loud as we could. Before we started the toast, all of us had grabbed fresh bottles of beer, and after the fuck you, we shook them up and doused the Pledge Masters in beer so that they were as soaked as we were. They tried to block the spay and run away, but with 19 guys spraying you, they couldn't get away fast enough. It was so funny and so awesome to get them back a little. We had a great time that night. I kind of remember telling more than a few Brothers to go fuck themselves for some of the things they put us through. And we shared with the pledge masters a bunch of the stuff that we hadn't told me them before, like drinking at Dan's house. I don't remember going to sleep at all that night. The following morning I woke up to a huge head ache and Matt shaking me. "Walsh, wake up. Some of us are going back to campus if you want to come." "Huh?" I asked as I opened my eyes. Looking at Matt, I saw that he had his letters on and I remembered that we were in. "I asked if you wanted to go back to campus with me." "Yeah, I guess," I said as I sat up. "Nice fucking letters, Brother Matt." "Well, thank you Brother Walsh. Man, you look like hell this morning." "Thanks so much Matt. I feel like hell. I was frigging wrecked last night. I don't even remember going to sleep," I said as my face and temples. "You passed out on one of the couches in the basement. We tried to wake you up, but you were out for the count dude. Nothing we did woke you up. We were going to leave you down there, but Adam insisted that we take you to his bed, so he and I carried you up here. You didn't open your eyes once." It made me feel good that Adam was so concerned about me. "Thanks for carrying me up here, then." "No problem. Come on, lets get back to the dorms and have some breakfast." I got out of bed. Matt said they got all of our clothes out of the car and were downstairs. They also got all our keys back from Sean this morning. I went downstairs and put my pants on. The House was pretty empty and a mess. Beer bottles and cups everywhere. I was so glad that we wouldn't have to clean the House up. CJ and Ben were on the couch watching TV waiting for us. I threw my pants on and grabbed my other clothes. "Good morning Brother CJ and Brother Ben. Where is everyone else?" I asked. "Some of the guys went back to campus already and the rest are still sleeping, Brother John" CJ said. We were walking out the door to CJ's car when I remembered our stuff from Hell Week still in the basement. So we ran down there and grabbed the stuff. It stank of beer, the floor was soaked and the place was a total disaster. "Thank God we aren't pledges anymore," Ben laughed. "No shit, that's what I was just thinking," I said. We grabbed our stuff that we saw. A lot of it was wet with beer as well. The rest we figured we would pick up later on in the day. We went up to our rooms to drop our stuff off before grabbing some breakfast. It felt weird being in our room again. It was ransacked from when we tore through the room the night hell week started. I noticed that the answer machine was blinking. "Looks like we have some messages," I said to Matt. "Lets get breakfast first, I'm starving," Matt said. So we went downstairs and had breakfast. We probably looked like total shit. We hadn't showered in days, and we were still wearing the same clothes and letters that were beer soaked just a few hours ago. Still, it felt great wearing the Letters in public. The caf was pretty empty, but people recognized that we were in. After a nice healthy breakfast of bacon and eggs with a side has browns, we went back to the doors. We were going to take a shower and then a nap. We figured after that, we would find another Fraternity that was having a party tonight and wear our newly given Letters. As we came into the room, the phone was ringing. I picked up the phone. "Hello," I answered. "John?" "Hey Dad! Guess what? We got into the Fraternity last night. We're done pledging. I can't believe we are finally in." "Where the hell have you been? We've been calling you since yesterday?" He sounded angry. I didn't tell them that I was temporarily `moving out' or had I called them since we did. "I'm sorry Dad, we had to move into the House for Hell Week, and we were so busy I didn't have time to call. Is everything OK?" "I'm afraid I have some bad news for you." He didn't sound angry anymore. He sounded grim. "What? Did you lose your job or something?" I don't know why I thought that was what he was going to tell me. It's just the first thing that came to mind. "No. Grandma McDonald died yesterday." "What?" That just couldn't be. She wasn't sick. "I'm sorry John. Your grandmother died." "No, no. She can't be dead. What are you talking about?" "She died in her sleep. We don't know what happened exactly." It began to sink in. I didn't get to say goodbye to her. I didn't call her enough when I went away. This just couldn't be. I could feel that I was going to cry. I tried to stay strong. "How is Mom?" "She's not good. She can't talk to you right now, but she needs you home. The wake starts tomorrow. Are you OK?" "I...I...I don't know. I can't believe it. I don't know." "Well, you need to come home and be with the family. I'm going to come and pick you up, OK?" "Ok, Dad," I said into the phone as the tears began to swell in my eyes and my voice tremble. "Can you get ready quickly?" "Yeah, I guess so. What time?" I asked. "I need to help your Mother finish some of the arrangements. How about 4:00?" "Ok, I'll try to be ready at 4:00," I replied, the tears beginning to roll down my cheek. "Will you be OK till then?" he asked. "Yeah, I'll be OK." "I love you John." "I love you too, Dad. Bye." As I placed the phone in the cradle, I broke down and started sobbing. Matt was at my side the entire time, listening to my side of the conversation. He took me in his arms and hugged me tightly. I stayed there as it all sunk in. I won't go into too much detail, but my Grandmother was like my best friend. She lived across the street from us and I was always at her house. I was the oldest grandchild. She would make me whatever I wanted to eat for dinner, and most nights I would eat at her house rather than mine. After dinner, we'd talk for a couple of hours about anything and everything. She was a member at the Surf Club that I worked in. She would sit at the pool and packed me lunch everyday and I would sit and eat with her during my lunch break. We just had this amazing relationship. Like everyone else, I didn't stay in touch with her nearly as much as I should have when I left for college. I never got to say goodbye. She died way too young. She was only 60 and never got to enjoy her old age. She had 8 children, and my Mother was the oldest of them. But my Grandmother had 2 kids late in life, so my Mom is like 20 years older than her youngest Brother. Which made my Uncle only 6 years older than me (the other younger kid, my Aunt, is only 8 years older than me). It was strange. I guess my point is that she just got all her kids out of the house, and then she died. I missed my finals. It was a somber ride home with my Dad. I think I cried most of the way home. I cried even more when I saw my Mom. She was a pretty strong woman, but she was having a real hard time dealing with this. And then I saw my Grandfather, and as soon as he saw me he started bawling. I joined him. It was a rough night for our family. A husband, eight children, 22 grandchildren, and the matriarch of our family was no longer with us. I talked to Matt and CJ the next day. Everybody who was coming to the wake would be there tomorrow night. I was looking forward to seeing them. I tried calling Adam, but one of the Brothers who had answered the House phone said he was out with Michele. I hadn't spoke to any of my HS friends. But I knew if they didn't have finals, they would be there if they could. My family was really popular in our neighborhood, and I'm sure that their Moms asked them to come home. I jumped in the shower to get ready for the wake. As I washing myself, my mind went to Kevin. I wondered if he would come. Part of me wanted him here. I guess we had a special connection, and I'd be pissed if he didn't come. But at the same time, it would be so weird for him to be here with my family. I was feeling kind of emotional, and in the end, I decided that I wanted him to be here. As we made our way to the Funeral Home for the first day of the wake, my Brother told me that one of my Fraternity Brothers had called and was coming today instead of tomorrow. "Who was it, do you remember?" "No, I just gave him directions from the Verrazanno Bridge." "Was his name Adam?" I asked him. "Yeah, I think it was Adam." I was glad that Adam was coming early. He was such an awesome guy. Of anyone that I wanted to speak to about how sad that I was, it was Adam. About an hour into the wake, the place was filling up. I was talking with some of my friends parents and other people from the neighborhood, when my one Aunt came up to me and said one of my Fraternity Brothers was in the back. I turned around and it wasn't Adam standing back there, it was Kevin. I was totally surprised. I looked around for a moment, feeling this guilt come over me, like someone would know about Kevin and I. But I realized quickly that nobody could possibly know. I walked back and greeted Kevin. I went to shake his hand, but instead, he grabbed me and gave me a hug. "I'm so sorry about your Grandmother John. Are you doing OK?" I allowed myself to fall into his hug. I hadn't cried all day, I was trying to be strong for my Mother and the rest of my family. But as Kevin held me, a flood of emotions came out. Mostly it was the loss of my Grandmother. But it was also the culmination of my mixed emotions about what was going on with my life, my utter uncertainty of what was going on with me and my sexual confusion. I was exhausted after pledging and had to deal with the death of my Grandmother, and I just kind of broke down. Thinking about this is making me very sad, so I am going to move on and end this chapter. The importance of this last section is not only that I lost probably the most important person to me, and I never got to enjoy being a Brother until the following semester, but I learned that Kevin was more than just the egotistical asshole that he portrayed. Kevin slept over my parent's House the next two nights, attending the second day wake and the Funeral as well. He was a total help to my family and nothing but gracious and polite. It was a side of Kevin that I had never seen. He actually cared about me. Because of this, Kevin and I became a lot closer. Pretty much the whole Fraternity made the wake the second day, and it was amazing to see 60 guys walk into the Funeral Home. My family was more than impressed at their showing. I spent most of the end of the wake just hanging out with them in the outer part of the Funeral Home that had a bunch of couches. Most of my HS friends came that night as well, and they pretty much mixed and mingled with the Brothers. It was so nice knowing that I had like all these friends that were concerned about me. The next day was the Funeral, and Adam and Matt and CJ and Kevin and a few of the other Brothers were in attendance as well. With Adam around, Kevin stood back a little. It was weird, but I was thankful to Kevin for that so it didn't put us in an awkward position. Not that Adam made either of us feel that way, but as you will come to learn, that is pretty much how Kevin and I were always when we were around other people. I had to do a reading for my Grandmother at the Funeral. My family is Catholic, and I read a poem that my Grandmother always had on her refrigerator, I think it is called "Footsteps". I barely made it through the reading. I was crying the entire time. After we buried my Grandmother, we all went our to eat at this restaurant. There was probably close to 75 people there. I sat a table with my Fraternity Brothers. I told some stories about my Grandmother. After lunch was done, they all took off, back to school for finals, which started tomorrow, Wednesday. As I said, I skipped finals. I took incompletes in all my classes and my professors agreed to let me take them first week of the second semester. Christmas break, for me, has already started. My Mother was an emotional wreck, and Christmas, this year, would totally suck. To be continued... Hope you found it worth the wait! The next few chapters will deal with Christmas Break, where I get some action, then second semester and Spring Break and the next pledge class. This is where the story becomes, shall I say, really juicy. If you are interested at all, I started a Yahoo Group that you can join and when I post a story, I will send a general email out to everyone that a story has been posted. This way, you don't have to keep checking, you'll be alerted when its there. And if I feel like telling you guys something, I can send around a general e-mail. Also, if you wanted to make some comments to the other readers, you can post a message for everyone to read. I'm toying with the idea of posting some pictures there and what not, but I'm still debating that. So the site is http://groups.yahoo.com/group/fraternitymemoir/ join if you like!