Date: Mon, 7 Dec 2009 16:43:32 +0000 From: Jake Scott Subject: Sexual Awakenings Hi. I have written a few stories on here which are all fictional. But this one is real. Just a little exert from my little life. Perhaps it might interest you, perhaps not. There isn't much real sex, but maybe some others might find it interesting if they had similar experiences. Sexual Awakenings I have always had a fascination with ass. Most guys are into cock, but for me the allure of a nice ass was always greater. When I was a teenager and we got the internet, I of course went against my mother's express wishes, and started searching for the porn which I had heard was all over the place. Indeed, it was. In those days, I looked up girly porn cause that's what I used to look at with my buddies. I'd go to their houses, and usually the guys with older brothers would pull out some crumpled porn mag and we'd lie there flipping through the pages with worn edges, looking at women spreading their legs for the camera. So that was what I searched for on the internet, women. But I soon became bored of that. Looking at pictures of girls by myself somehow didn't turn me on or excite me as it did when I looked at pictures of naked women with my male friends. So, it didn't take me long to discover that there weren't just pictures of girls with no clothes on in front of the camera, but that there were what were called 'hardcore' sites. I soon found out that this simply meant pictures of men with women, engaged in actual sexual acts. This turned me on somewhat more than pictures of just girls alone, but it still wasn't the same feeling as when I looked at dirty mags with my friends. And so, I soon graduated to bisexual porn. Now, this did turn me on greatly. There were generally two types of bisexual porn in those days - MFF and MMF - of course the first referring to multiple girls with one guy, and the second referring to multiple guys with one girl. Both of them I found highly erotic, but I preferred he two or more guys with one girl scenario. In those days, that's what I though bisexual meant - group sex, mixing the genders all together. I now realise it has a slightly different meaning, but then again, bisexuality is the rebel of all the sexualities; it seems to defy any set definition. In those days, I had just begun my journey through high school, and the term 'gay' was the general insult and put-down delivered by any old moron when he had exhausted his arsenal of more inventive insults in an argument. It was something to be ridiculed in any case. Therefore I deliberately stayed away from 'gay' stuff on the internet. To be honest, it didn't really strike my curiosity in any case. Bisexuality was alright. Gay was not. But one day, the inevitable happened. I was online again, searching for more bi sex material, when up popped a gay site advertising itself in all its glory, without my permission. Ah, the joy of pop-ups eh? Well, this stuff was... shocking, to put it politely. I think perhaps if I had been introduced to the world of gay porn by some young, smooth, fresh looking 'twinks', my reaction might have been less of shock. But I was greeted by images of full grown, bearded and hairy chested men, men more than twice my age doing what, to me then, were the most shocking of acts. I had heard references to anal sex before, insults like 'bum chum', 'bum buddies', etc., but believe it or not I was quite naive and I never really put it together that actual anal sex was what was being referred to. It was some mythical act to me, one talked about but which didn't actually exist I thought. I mean it couldn't, could it? How could you fit a man's penis up another man's bum? It was surely impossible and against the laws of human biology... That was what I thought until I saw these photos on this, what I now know was a 'bear' porn site. My first reaction was initial revulsion and disbelief. But disbelief is the father of curiosity, at least for me. And I sat there transfixed by these images, wondering if these men's cocks really were buried deep inside their partners' anuses, or whether it was some trickery of the camera. I figured it must be the trickery of the camera and special editing effects, for even if it were physically possible to shove a large fully grown penis up another man's bottom, why would any full grown man allow it to be done to them. And these men who were receiving their partners' cocks were not under any duress or force. They seemed to be willing to bend over, and moreover they seemed to be in a state of pure extacy. I figured that no self respecting man would submit himself to be used like a woman for another man's pleasure. If it had been an older virile man using a younger smoother lad in that way, perhaps. But these were fully grown, muscled studs whose bodies betrayed their strength and power. Yet here they were submitting themselves in this manner. Eventually, I closed down this nuisance pop-up, but its effect was profound. After that, I never looked upon gay men in the same light again. Although I would never have considered myself a homophobe (I considered people who abused gays as moronic and dense in the head), I did look down upon gay men for I had been culturally trained if you like, to do so. But here I had seen that they were real men, strong and virile, in fact some of the most masculine men I had ever seen, like superheroes that we used to idolize as kids no less in their appearance. I went back to looking at bisexual combinations of all types, but that bear site had raised a curiosity inside of me which would not die. To make things more interesting, I was starting to have feelings for some boys my age. I would find myself staring at a boy with long hair in my maths class and I had no idea why. I found myself drawn to him for some reason. It was not overtly sexual, but more mystical and romantic. Something I couldn't quite put my finger on. Another guy I knew from outside of school interested me greatly too. He was a bit of a ladies man who lived a couple of blocks down, but who went to another school. We used to hang out together though, a large group of us boys and girls, and all the girls would swoon over him. He was a really great guy with a friendly and happy disposition, and I loved to be around him because it made me feel strangely electric and more alive. I'd pretend like I wasn't, but I couldn't help staring whenever he and his girlfriend were together, hugging and kissing each other. With all these strange and new feelings alive inside of me, the thought of that gay site kept popping into my head again and again. Eventually, I reasoned with myself inside my head. Okay, I'll go to a gay site and check it out again. Do guys really do these things together? Out of choice? I'm just doing this out of curiosity, not because I want to be like them. I don't. I mean butts are dirty things for a dirty purpose. I'm only checking that what I saw before was camera trickery based upon a homophobic myth. But then, if it is true, why were those masculine men doing it? Gays are supposed to be weak and pathetic, no?.. That's what I said to myself in my head to justify this foray into the world of the untouchables - that of the gay man. In those days before Google became what it is today, you had to be more persistent and inventive searching for stuff on the internet. But eventually I came to a gay 'post' site. These were the types of site where pay pornographic sites would advertise, giving a free sample, and if you wanted more you would have to sign up to that particular site. The great thing about post sties was that all the free stuff was congregated in this one place, which meant a huge amount of variety, and you didn't need to shell out any money for the privilege to view it all. The site no longer exists by the way, but there was a huge amount of variety, and I entered into a world which I never knew existed, and it was far larger and far more diverse than I ever could have imagined. If anyone has ever seen Demolition Man the movie I believe it is, at one point they descend down a drain into a fully functioning city and society which exists beneath the ground, hidden from the view of those above. That is how it felt like entering this world dedicated to gay sex. There were all types of men. Young, smooth men, older, hairy and slightly silvering men, bald men, shaved men, bearded men, long haired men, dark skinned men, Asian men. There were solo pictures, duos kissing, duos sucking each other, duos fucking, threesomes, larger groups together. Men naked, men in underwear, men in lycra, men in leather, some in uniforms of cops and firemen, army fatigues. It was quite overwhelming. But it soon became apparent that there was no stereotypical gay, at least in gay porn. These actors were not depicting men who braided each others' hair and talked in high pitched voices. There were no pictures of fearsome drag queens, no images of amusing but acid tongued comedians wearing eye liner. I quickly realised there were those things which turned me on amongst them, and there were those which did not. Although my first encounter with gay porn had been these silver headed, hairy bears, I decided that the smoother twinks were more appealing to my tastes. I reasoned that they were more like women, with smooth bodies and longer hair (in those mid 90s days). I also didn't particularly find pictures of solo men showing off their erect cocks very appealing (a la mid 90s Falcon star promo pics). I did however find pictures of men turned around showing off their butts to be very exciting. Men bending over like women did, perhaps with their head turned and eyes seemingly begging for you to do something to them as they braced themselves, doggy style for you. I found group pictures and threesomes particularly appealing. And cocksucking photos. Not for the cocks themselves. At that time, I didn't find hard cocks to be very arousing. But the sight of a man squatting or kneeling while opening his jaw for another man's penis to enter his mouth, his cheeks hollowed and his eyes either wide staring at the owner of that penis, or closed in a state of apparent bliss, that excited me very much. I still looked at bisexual stuff too however, and that was what I generally fantasized about when I whacked off, me and one of my mates on the stairs fucking one girl between us. Perhaps me with my cock up her pussy from behind while she sucked on my friend's cock as he sat there grabbing her head from the front. But certainly, a new world in which men got together with other men with no women around, whether because they were unavailable, or out of choice, or some other reason perhaps, had been opened and revealed to me. And I knew I would never be going back to looking at pictures of naked women playing with themselves alone for the camera. This was the second of three great sexual awakenings in my life I believe. Sex has a certain mystical quality to it - like a chameleon in camouflage it is something which is hidden and does not announce itself, you must tread on it almost by accident in order to know it exists. But once you know, you are transfixed by it, and you recognise that there are secrets in the natural world which science cannot or will not tell you face to face. You must discover it for yourself. So, this was the second great sexual discovery of mine, the massive and partially hidden world of gay sex and porn, which is so much more diverse generally than straight stuff. My first great discovery was at the age of 11 when I discovered what an orgasm felt like for the first time during, eherm... sexual play shall we say. I was totally taken aback by the intensity of the feeling which I had never known before. Knowing your own body can produce such intense and magical feelings was an eye-opener. This then, was my second great eye opener, that men could do with other men, masculine men, the things they say you are supposed to do only with women, and it can be just as great. My third great awakening came in my mid-twenties when I realised, or perhaps more properly re-realised the pleasure that a single man and woman can have together, with the help of a busty, flirty work colleague who was morally opposed to buttoning up all the buttons on her blouse. She was the first single girl to have that effect upon me since my early teens. There is a fourth great sexual awakening also, but I'm not going to tell you about that yet, or perhaps ever. Because the beauty and specialness of sex is all about self discovery. So I said, back then as a thirteen year old kid, I thought bisexuality meant threesomes and orgies. Today, I don't think that any more, but I still don't have a good definition for what it is or what it is not. Open mindedness and a certain willingness to experiment perhaps. Deep attraction to both sexes which blur the lines between deep friendship and sexual relationship perhaps. I'm not quite sure, but I think I am one... perhaps. I have not touched much upon my real life relationships and sexual adventures if you could call them that. But perhaps what I have developed into is best exemplified by a night I spent at a fairly rough hip hop club in my college days a few years back, where queuing at the bar for a drink, a girl in front of me started grinding her rather large behind back into my crotch, and her eyes which stared back over her shoulder at me told me it was no mistake on her part, and perhaps half an hour later in this same place, a guy who appeared to be with his girlfriend (that's who I assumed she was) started rubbing his body next to mine to the music. He was far more sensuous and subtle than the girl. Surprised as I was that he might be doing this in such a place which I wouldn't imagine to be the most friendly to guys doing that sort of thing, that he followed me to the bathrooms told me he also had made no mistake in what he was doing to me by the bar. Between that there have been various situations which I can't go into all here. Particular favourites included a 35 year old or so German man who I had been transfixed by all week of my holiday with my family at a tropical beach. He seemed trendy (especially for a German) and he had a special aura about him. I had been especially careful to ensure he did not notice that I had been staring at him as he sunbathed on the beach in his hot pants with his wife/girlfriend by his side, or as he sat chatting across from her in the dining hall over his dinner. When one night he followed me into the bathrooms and stood close to me washing his hands before leading me to a cubicle, I realised I had not been as inconspicuous as I hoped in my gazing upon him. I don't speak German, and I'm too shy to have asked even if I did, but the thought that he was on his honeymoon did cross my mind. Bisexual perhaps -- or just very sexual?