Green Room II
Oh, did I tell you the really great news? My dad actually asked if was okay the other day. How wild is that? He took one look at how trashed I was and couldn't wait to get out of there quick enough. Hahahaha! What a loser!
If you're wondering about the crack in my closet, it's still there. Bob said he'd buy it. Hey, I haven't even paid for it yet! With what? I told him to piss off and leave it there. He's still my mate, though, so at least I have one friend. Okay, so he's after my bod. Could be worse.
So what else is happening? Not much. Some school work, but it's a stuff up. I can't even afford to get the juniors to do my homework assignments for me.
My face looks exhausted, like I've been on drugs. Hahahahaha! I don't sleep because I'm too scared. When I try, I lie there like a zombie. Actually, with my rehabilitated cockstand, I look more like a mummy. All stiff. Hahahaha! I get nightmares and wake in a cold sweat. I manage an hour or two, then I'm awake the whole time. Of course, Bob's got something for that too. What kind of question is that? You know the answer. I don't know how long this misery is supposed to last. It's a waking hell.
Just squashed a fly walking on my desk. S-Q-U-I-S-H. Poor bastard, but at least he's better off than me right now. I guess you know a fly with no wings is a walk, huh? And a fly with no legs is a raisin. Hahahaha!
Hey, what the hell, if I'm gonna be awake all night I'll keep everyone else awake. Guess you won't believe me if I tell you I never got badly trashed on drugs when Kyle was here. Sure, I smoked and snorted some but never ever got this bad while he was around. I was more spacey. Then he gave me what for. Smack! Take this! Smack! Take that! Nah, Kyle wasn't like that. He hated drugs, but kinda handled my habit most times. He loved me too much. I wish I could turn back the clock. Shut the fuck up, G! Let me wish if I want to. Just about all I got at the moment is to wish. S-wish, s-wish. Another fly. Hahahaha! Oh, Jesus, I need to sleep so badly. 3:30am. How time flies. Flies! Get it? How time flies when you're having fun, huh? Right now I feel like a good cry, so I will.
3:52am. Getting there slowly but surely. There's a pic of Graham on the side of this note. Not sure if you know that model Marcus Schenkenberg or whatever, but that's the kinda bod Graham's got. Same pecs, too. It's a disgrace that a 14 year old can have a body like that. How come he hates me so much, G? I can understand why he's angry or disappointed, but he openly hates me. Why is that? When I saw his face at the beach--when he swore at me--I hated him too, right there and then. His neck muscles bulged and turned red because he stressed so much. And why does Melanie hate me? I did nothing to her. I don't hate Graham. I hate the fact that he wants fuckall to do with me. I hate that it's come down to all this shit. AND I HATE THAT KYLE LEFT ME LIKE HE DID! He didn't need to hitch a ride. He could have called his dad for a lift home. So that's his way to get back at me? "Hey, Stuart! C'mon, mate, it's gonna be a rave!" Yeah, Kyle, you bastard, look what you did.
So what now, G, huh? I'm shaking like a leaf here, and I need something badly. I don't sleep. The stuff in the closet? I can't take it after all your fucking mail. It's a conspiracy between you and Kyle. Isn't it?
A pic of me? If I took one now and sent it to you, your mail would dry up like a lake in a desert. I look like shit.
I wonder if the school phoned my folks? Maybe my folks will have me arrested if they get the opportunity. That would be cool for them, huh? Get me out of their hair for a while. Not too bad being molested by all those studs in the cells. Maybe Joe's big bro will put me in hospital. That would suit my folks as well. Nope, come to think of it, that would mean hospital bills, which would be almost like giving me money. Know where I got all my money from, G? Well, that's all dried up now. You happy now? Hahahaha! Just pissing on your battery. Don't stress.
Why do I think about Joe's bro anyway? If he's a skinny dude, Graham will let it happen. If he's a Brett clone, Graham will stop him. So why worry? BRING HIM ON! Hahahaha!
Graham would throw a party if this guy beat me up. Shut up, Stuart, for fuck sake! The grommet was probably just pulling my chain anyway. There's no need to worry about Joe's bro.
6:45am. Just dozed off. Sorry about that. I'm awake now. BUT, I gotta get ready for school. Thank Christ we don't wear uniforms. I can dress in boardies and a top. Sorry about the top, G. I know you prefer me without one, hahahaha! You're obsessed by pecs. Don't go away. I'll be back later. But I might have an assignment so...I'll just save this email as another hidden file on my comp. I know my dad checks what I got on here. Okay, okay, school time.
Back! Now I'm ready for another sleepless night, so you better be ready for my bullshit. Maybe I should spend the night with Bob so I'll have something to write about. Maybe I should borrow one of his toys. He's got an auto-masturbator that looks like a hair dryer. He wanted to use it on me the other day. No! I need to try and get some sleep. So let me send this now. I look like something out of a horror zombie movie. On second thought, they look better than this.
Thursday, 2am: Bob just left. He's the only person I can call right now. I've been doubled up with pain since 4 yesterday afternoon. How's that? I managed an hour's sleep. I took a swim when my stomach cramped so bad I couldn't move. I sweated like it was 90 degrees in a pool of cold water! Hahahaha! I thought Kyle had called me `up there' a bit earlier than I planned. I don't know how, but I managed to get to the pool steps where I doubled up in agony.
When it eased, I phoned Bob. I told him about what happened but he said he had nothing to help me. "If you're not here with something for me in half an hour, I'll smoke the whole damn crack stash. Live with that on your conscience!" I was mad as all hell.
Right now my gut feels like it was slammed by a sledgehammer. Anyway, Bob arrived on time, in a real spin. He found me doubled over in the shower with the cold water running. The dealers must have known the cocktail injection would cause me to suffer like this. Low-life assholes.
Bob was in a spin because he had to cancel a deal. I guess I did my bit for the day, except maybe land Bob in a lot of crap. Meanwhile, he didn't leave me until he was sure I was okay. While here, he took a call for me from Sean. He asked to see me at the beach tomorrow because Joe wanted to apologize. Maybe I smacked Joe's brains into shape or something.
I gotta try some schoolwork, so let me get going with that. I can't concentrate in class. Too knackered.
4am. I dozed during homework, so I got a half hour of really deep sleep. I feel better. So you're picturing me sitting at my desk and wondering what I'm wearing? Gray fleecy gym shorts.
I wonder if Graham is behind this meeting with Joe tomorrow. Maybe he wants to sort things out with me. That would be cool. But he'll take one look at me and run for the hills.
I'll lie down for a while. I need more sleep. Bob said he'd give me a lift to school, so I'll finish this email later, alligator.
10:41pm. I laid in the dark for a while, trying to recall exactly the first time I got wasted. I can't remember. I tried to justify everything I've done in my life. I can't do that either. I tried to figure why I had such a good mate, and ruined it. The only reason I can think of is because I'm selfish. I was spoiled by the money I got from dealing.
I laid there wondering, yes, wondering, why you're trying to make a hero out of me, G. I tried to think of just one thing I did in my life for someone else, when I wasn't thinking of just me. I'm not finding any answers here, G. And now I wonder why I write all this stuff to you. That's selfish as well. It's not for you, or because of Kyle, it's because I can write. And that's fucking all.
I'll tell you about heroes, G. You can draw your own conclusions. I was so, so, so, so amped for this meeting with Joe at the beach. When I got there, all the guys were in the water. I was nervous because I wanted to make things right with Graham. I figured if Joe needed to apologize to me, then Graham must know the reason I smacked him.
They emerged from the water as a group. Then two guys sitting on the beach approached me and asked if my name was Stuart. One, who wore a sleevless muscle top, and who obviously pushed iron, was Joe's brother.
"Why did you fuck with my baby bro?"
I tried to explain, while Graham and his mates stood nearby. Graham could have told big bro the story, but no. Big bro pushed me: "Maybe you want to smack somebody your own size."
"I don't want to fight you."
"I don't have a beef with you."
He smacked me so hard, it sent my head sideways, and stung like hell. "Got a beef with me now?" he snarled.
"I'm not going to fight with you. No way."
A crowd gathered to gawk. Graham and his mates watched. Big bro pushed me again. "You only bully lighties? Come on, fucker, I want to smack you like you smacked my baby bro." He pushed me again.
I lost it, and took a swing. He expected it, then wound up a swing of his own which rammed into my stomach. I saw lights, and held onto his arm, otherwise I'd have hit the deck face down. He reacted by pulling his arm free, and hit me with his other fist. I felt the cut on my cheek, and crumbled knees first to the sand.
"Get up, you bully," he ordered. His mate pulled him away, but the guy was in a rage and rearing to go.
I struggled to my feet. Graham stared at me with tears in his eyes, and shook his head. He waited until I stood fully upright, then grabbed his board and walked away.
So why did he have tears in his eyes, G? He knew the answers. He could have supported my explanation to big bro. Was he part of the setup as well? If I see Sean again I'll nail the bastard, big bro or not. He phoned me later just to let me know how much he enjoyed seeing me groveling on the deck.
Thought I might need stitches in my cheek. But it was more blood than anything. He caught me on the cheek bone. I feel like I was run over by a truck. Now, come on, G. You're so good at justifying things, justify why this guy bashed me. Kyle would have done the same thing if he were in big bro's shoes. Of all people, why did Graham help set me up? I was so amped that we could be friends again. I made plans already for us to go surfing together. And he could just maybe be with me while I build up my fitness and overcome the paranoia.
I'm gonna get a hand-drawn birthday card from Graham like he made for Kyle? Yeah, right. "Happy birthday ACID HEAD. Stay out of my life forever!"
Don't stop reading now, G. Fuck, I got all night to go. It's only 00:21 on my clock here. So you think I should have defended myself today? Seriously, do I just forget this whole thing or what?
Dear Diary, why am I so uncool? I hope you get lots of hate mail for my story, G. How cool would that be? Then I can write them and give them a real reason to hate me. Had to change the light bulb just now `cause it blew. Hahahahaha! Everything is stuffed up!
It must be lust. Kyle was right. I'm a boy slut. AND REVELATION! I get off on the pain! I've been staring at the screen, wondering what gets me into so much crap. It must be the pain. Even when that guy hit me, although it hurt, I got off on it. Would have gotten off even more if I was the one who hurt him. Why did I hurt Graham? Because I wanted to see him in pain! Right? That's it. It's the only answer. Why did Kyle and I fight so much? I think it was me who started it all the time because I wanted to feel pain and dish it out. There's something for your story, G. You can tell the readers how I hurt Kyle just to get off on his pain. That's why I bonked Melanie, so see him hurt. I'm a monster. I need sleep. My mind is racing on a track to nowhere.
1:27am. Dozed for a while but couldn't sleep. This inability to sleep is worse than the downers. The nightmares get to me. I see Kyle battered and in pain, screaming for me to help him. But I can't reach him in time. I run in a thick syrupy liquid that sucks the energy from my legs. When our hands almost touch, he falls into a black pit with his face expressing total pain. He screams my name, but there's fuckall I can do. Then I sit up in a cold sweat with my skin burning hot. I can't handle the dreams. I can't believe I wrote all that stuff up there, G. What was I thinking? I could just erase it all but I won't. I want you to see what kind of megalomaniac you're dealing with. Hahahahaha! I'm schizo! YEAH! SO AM I! HAHAHAHAHA! Oh, fuck.
I'm looking at a pic of Graham. That's all I have now, just a pic. I lost them all, G. I lost them when I lost Kyle. I lost them when I lost myself. I can write how bad I feel, but they're all just words on paper and nothing else. I could take a swim because I'm burning up inside. I could swim until my arms fail to hold me, and I won't even feel the water cover my head. It would be over, and the pain would be gone. Hey! There's crack in my closet. I'd feel better in seconds! One hit, and I'm in heaven! Shut the fuck up, G. I'm not gonna smoke it. Not yet. You've gone and told all those readers that I'm beating this thing but I'M NOT! How could you do that?