Green Room II
Saturday, I managed a couple of hours at the beach and the surf rocked. Actually, it was good the whole weekend, so Graham and I hit the beach again Sunday. He wore only boardies that, as usual, threatened to plummet from his hips at any second. "Where's your wettie?"
"Too hot for a wettie."
He changed his mind the moment he hit the water, which was freezing, and dashed home to retrieve his neoprene suit. "That's what happens when you try to impress the girls," I laughed on his return to the back line. "Your macho days are over, mate. You're too old to handle the cold, hahahaha!"
I received an email from one of G's friends to say he thought the Stuart Story was coming along well. I guessed G was doing a good job. I promised myself I'd take time off one day to read the whole sorry saga and remind myself of what this dickhead had done with his life.
In my last mail to G, I mentioned I'd chatted to Graham's mate Joe. I found it easy to talk to Joe and thought he was pretty cool. Okay, so I gave him a smack that time on the beach, but that was then. Things had improved a helluva lot since those bad old days, including the fact that Craig and I settled our differences. Although Joe and I had a mutual friend in Graham, he and I weren't major buddies. What puzzled me about Joe was how he could be a good bloke and have a bro like fuckwit Craig. I'd seen the older bro recently and, like all seniors, he was studying like crazy for the school finals.
Meanwhile, things between Melanie and me progressed well. I asked my mom if it would be cool to have Melanie sleep over one evening. "It shouldn't be a problem. We can make up the spare room for her. Have you asked your father?"
"Not yet. Hey, mom, you don't understand. I want Melanie to sleep with me--like, you know, in my bed!" Oops! It was immediately obvious I'd dropped a major bombshell. My mom stared at me in stunned silence. "Mom," I continued in earnest, "I'm 19 and Melanie is 18, and she's on the pill. Anyway, it's not so much about sex as her company."
"18 and 19 and no sex?" My mom couldn't hide the gleam in her eye. "My, my, how times have changed."
"Melanie and I have slept together before. We are sexually active. She's on the pill."
"I'll speak to your father. It's just so ... hard to come to terms with your being an adult already. I seem to have missed everything that led up to it."
My impulsive response was to hug my mom, a big, tight, warm one. "If it's not okay, mum, just say so. I don't want to hurt you guys again, okay."
"I'm sure it'll be fine, Stuart" she smiled. "Perhaps you should speak to your father. It'll be better coming from you. It's fine with me."
Cool! My dad was in the study and I was amped to get this convo sorted right away. I entered the room and approached the front of his imposing polished-timber desk. "Dad? I want to have sex with Melanie in my bed. We want to make you a granddad. Hahahaha!" No, that's not what I said. Here's what really happened.
"Dad? Got a mo?" I asked as I sat in a chair opposite.
"Could Melanie stay over one night? Like--in my room?"
"In your bed?"
I blushed like a lighthouse. "Yeah."
"What do her parents say?"
"I'm not sure, I haven't spoken to Melanie yet. I don't know what they'll say. She's on the pill, dad. Anyway, it's not for sex. We just want to spend a night together ... doing whatever."
"Try to convince her parents it's not for sex."
"It may lead to that, and it won't be the first time."
"Spare me the details."
"Nothing. Is it okay?" I ran short of patience, and got hot under the collar. "Put your fucking pen down for a second."
"C'mon, dad, every time I try to talk to you you're writing something and not even listening."
"Okay," he relented as he placed his ballpoint on the table. "I'm listening."
"Is it okay if Melanie stays over?"
"In the spare room, and only if her parents give her permission ... and they need to speak to your mother."
"What's the difference if Melanie stays over in my room, dad?"
"There's a huge difference. Take it or leave it."
"Were you as much of a prick at my age as you are now?"
Hahaha! I didn't expect my dad to move so damn fast. He grabbed hold of my T with both hands and practically dragged me across the top of the desk. A foot or two further and I'd be in his lap. "You can say just about anything you please to me, but if you cuss at me, or your mother, one more time, I'll give you a hiding you'll never forget."
"Dad," I insisted with a hint of aggro, "let me go. And don't think of hitting me because I'll definitely hit you back."
He seethed with anger, but released his grip and allowed me to slide back into the chair. "I don't want to make you mad again," I continued, "and I don't want us to say things that will screw up where and what we are right now. I just want you to understand how I feel about Melanie."
"I've already given you your options, Stuart."
"But we slept together before, and it's not just about sex. Please, dad."
"Did you speak to your mother?"
"Yeah, and she said it's cool as long as you agree. Please, dad, I know you like Melanie and I'd rather not do anything behind your back. If she sleeps in the spare room I'm just gonna sneak in there and sleep there anyway. Then wake early so you won't know about it."
"What if I sit outside the door with a shotgun?"
"Yeah, you and Melanie's dad can keep each other company while I sneak in through the window."
My dad tried to resist a laugh, but smiled nonetheless. Hey, he looked cool when he smiled. "Ask your mother to check with Melanie's folks--and to tell Melanie's father he can take shotgun duty outside the window."
"That's cool," I said as I rose to leave the study.
"Your mother had better tell Melanie's folks that she's sleeping in the spare room."
"You mean ... ???"
"Just get out of here before I rethink this whole thing."
My dad must have heard my joyous yelps as I hurried down the passage to tell my mom. YES, YES, YES! I also couldn't wait to phone Melanie to share the good news. She said she'd need to check with her folks and that maybe she could sleep over this coming Friday. Woohoo!
Hello, what's this? Condoms under my pillow? I suspected my mother put them there. Hmmm, plain ol' Durex. I should have told my mom that Melanie prefers strawberry flavored. Hahahaha! My mom must believe that my fitness level has improved a stack because she left two packs of three.
Anyway, as it happened, Melanie was denied permission to sleep over. I thought I heard a collective sigh of relief coming from the kitchen and the study as I replaced the phone. Melanie's folks decided that their daughter needed to concentrate on her studies, but I knew that wasn't the sole reason. Melanie's mom argued that it was the weekend and she needed free time and blah, blah, blah.
So for the time being it seemed like it would be a cozy and intimate evening with just Mr. Snake and me. We'd need to play tug-o-war because the dumb thing didn't know how to play Heroes or Star Craft.
G asked earlier about Craig, and was he a surfer. Yep, he surfed but I'd always ignored him in the water. Out there, it was just the surfer and the surf, and a contest for a wave if the lineup was busy. Actually, I have to admit, Craig does look pretty damn hot in a wettie.
With Melanie unavailable, I phoned Graham to ask what he planned for Friday night. "Nothing yet. Joe's organized a Saturday barbecue for all the guys on the swim team. You wanna come?"
"Swim team? Craig? Yeah, right, is he gonna be there?"
"Yeah, but he's cool. Why don't you come along?"
"I'll think about it but if it's a swim team thing maybe I shouldn't."
"It's not just the swim team, friends are invited as well."
"I'll check with Melanie."
"Cool. So what's happening Friday?"
"I thought you might wanna visit--just to play computer games and whatever."
"I think Jacky wants to see a movie but if we're going to the barbie Saturday, maybe I can skip the movies."
"How's school? I haven't seen much of you lately, and I miss you."
"Totally hectic, swimming every day, cricket some days. Did you surf Wednesday night?"
"Yeah but I didn't see you."
"I was there. It was cool, huh?"
"Totally, but way too packed. That's the hassle, when the surf's up all the grommets come out of the bloody woodwork."
"Tell me about it. Hey, I must tell you, my ex is talking crap to Jacky about me. It's such a load of bullshit."
"Crap, like I mess with other girls and slept with one of her friends. Total codswallop. Jacky told her to stay out of our lives. But she asked me if I still dig my ex because she stole me away. Girls!"
"Sounds like a cat fight."
"I mean, hey, is it my fault if all the chicks want a piece of me?"
"Maybe you shouldn't go steady--just play the field and have fun. It's better than being tied down and putting up with all the bitching."
"I dig Jacky, though. Everyone tells me she just wants to score but it's not like that. I haven't scored yet but we're still really cool with each other."
"You guys haven't done anything yet?"
"BJ or whatever."
"We feel each other and she likes my finger. Hehehe. Took a long time to get my finger going."
"Has she asked you to go further?"
"I think she fears rejection or something. She's probably waiting for me to make a move."
"So what's the prob?"
"I'm scared! Doh! Anyway it's not like sex is a major thing in my life."
"Hahahaha! Yeah, we had this kinda convo before. Anyway, it's cool for you guys to be the way you are. Sex puts more pressure on a relationship."
"Are you and Melanie doing it yet?"
"What do you think?"
"I think you're fucking like rabbits."
"It's called making love, you disgusting grommet. Melanie and I make love."
"Yeah, right--more like making babies, hehehe. So is everything cool between you guys?"
"Wicked! I really like Melanie. If you hurt her I'll come over there and beat you to a pulp. You know that, huh?"
"I'm shaking in my boots already."
"You'll think I'm kidding until you hit the deck, hehehe."
"So come over and try."
"Can't right now. I gotta go--my dad wants to use the phone."
"Hey, I love ya."
Was that it? `Same, bye'. I studied the phone resting in its cradle. A few moments ago we were chatting; I heard his voice and enjoyed our convo. Now the phone lay silent. What to do? Write a note to Kyle and include it in my email to G.
Hey, Kyle, you made it so easy for friends to get close. Why then does it seem so difficult for me sometimes? Not only the getting close but also expressing my feelings. When I'm with Graham I feel so incredibly close, and wish I had the same relationship with him as I have with Melanie, including the physical aspect.
When Graham departs for home or wherever, I'm overwhelmed by a depressing emptiness I don't understand. Why is everything in my life so damned hard? When I tell Graham I love him I hope to make him understand that it's the same love I feel for Melanie and you.
Actually, I worry sometimes about my feelings for you, Kyle. You seem to be in my thoughts less and less nowadays. I still remember times we shared and it's like you're there with me, but sometimes the scene fades and it's difficult to resurrect it. I try to refocus but it fades to a blur. That scares me because I want to remember how you feel and smell, and the sound of your whispered words of love in my ear, and your warm breath on my chest.
It's almost a year, Kyle, and already the memories are losing clarity. Everyone thinks I cope well. Fact is, I'm not coping at all. In the past, I found relief and release in drugs and, yes, I miss that. I do. I miss disappearing into a world where everything is perfect and beautiful.
On the comp, I created words and pictures for the anniversary of the day you left me. It's all so lame, though. I feel like I'm on a race track and November 3 is rushing toward me. Everything is too fast and out of control. I don't want that day to arrive.
Yeah, there are tears in my eyes right now because I feel so sad. I want you to be with Melanie. She still wants you. It's an awareness I have when she and I make love. No, not a comparison but rather the way you were with her, that Kyle magic, those softly spoken words and the gentle touch, that sweet breath.
I wish it were me who was taken that day. The world would be none the wiser about me, and far less people would be hurt. Speak to me, Kyle, for fuck sake! Just give me some sign that you hear me! I love you and miss you so much. I can see your laughing eyes now. I remember how your eyes widened and shone when you laughed. They turned a lighter shade of brown and sparkled, and those little crinkly lines on the side of your nose came to life.
I want your arms around me to hold me tight, and I want you to kiss me just one more time. Oh my fuck, Kyle! Why?