Roma, 18/10/86
Dear Sebastiano,
I've just received your letter and I answer you immediately and attached to this letter I send you the recipe for your sister Cettina: not only is it not a secret; I'm flattered and proud if my recipes start to be requested, because this make me feel like a great "chef" or perhaps a "cordon bleu" and also because, if I do fail one day in my chosen field, I can have a safe future as a cook.
Really beautiful your sketches, both those of Rodolfo and those of Theo: the one marked with the number 10 seems to me the best for Rodolfo and the one marked with the letter C the best for Theo, because in my opinion, of all the drawings, it is the most "theous". You didn't tell me which ones you prefer and I would like to know that. May I keep them or do you prefer to have them back? Tell me in your next letter.
Very beautiful also the envelop and the colours are fabulous. I'm gathering information here in Rome about the best shops for fine arts products, so at least, when you come here I can take you to see them.
About Stefania and I, there is nothing wrong in you taking an interest in this, on the contrary! Aren't we friends? Every day perhaps no, or perhaps yes, but anyway I would like to do it more often, but she doesn't want it often. Perhaps, if she was a little more passionate, the desire would grow also in me, but I adapt to her demands because making love without desiring it, for her, would be worse than for me not doing it even if I desire it. I agree with you that the physical relation could be a wonderful thing, probably the most wonderful, especially if it is lived in a certain way. I don't want to complain about how things are going with Stefy, because certainly it is good doing it with her, but I cannot define it as thrilling, because at times I have some fantasies, some desires that don't seem to me absolutely out of the norm, but she... no, she is very traditional and says that I have to control myself. When I tried to make her understood about some of my erotic fantasies, my desires, she answered me that "nine weeks and half" is just a movie, not the reality... and yet I think that a relationship could also be that way or, if not exactly like in the movie, that there could be a little more fantasy, because fantasy is a little like sauce on spaghetti. Without fantasy or sauce, they are tasteless, at least some butter and parmesan are needed, right? Or olive oil and garlic... I don't demand the four cheeses recipe, after all... I think you agree with me.
I never talked about these things with anyone but I think I can tell you, because telling you helps me to understand myself, even if I think that it is easier writing them in a letter than telling you in person, in fact to say that, to tell you in person, I think I would be a little ashamed. Not because of you, it's clear, but because of me, because I'm not used to talking seriously about these subjects with anybody, and with my colleagues we just do witticism, at times even smutty, but never serious talks.
All right! Now I leave you so I can post this letter soon. Ciao, my dear Sebastiano, see you soon.
All my greetings as always
Federico
P.S. Thank you for your invitation to come to the country at your grandparents place: When it is possible, we will organize something, promise!
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Monday 27th of October
from Salerno
Federico,
Cettina thanks you for the receipe.
You can keep my sketches. I prefer the number 7 and the letter C. But I like also the 10 for Rodolfo. Moreover the 10 and the C fit better together. I'll try to develop them. We can always change our minds, if needed. Now we are just at the beginning.
What I appreciate more in Carla is her fantasy. She doesn't have many talents, but that one, she has. On the other hand, without fantasy there is no erotism. Without erotism, sex becomes tasteless. I like your image of spaghetti and sauce. I agree one hundred per cent.
Every relationship could be 9 weeks and 1/2. Rather, has to be. At least in part. I understand that if one is 70 y.o. And even in that case, not so much.
It seems to me that my granddad and granny (he is 74 and she is 71) still live their 9 weeks and 1/2. He is a real little devil. And she is a coquette. When they think nobody is looking at them. But if someone is looking, then they act very formal.
But I discovered that granny has lace panties. And granddad curls and combs his mustache before going to bed with her. And when they talk in private, they are hand in hand. It's a pleasure to see them.
Dad, I don't know. He died early. Mum, I presume, is similar to your Stefy. But I may be wrong. Expecially now that she's widowed. And is not in good health.
Anyway with me you can say what you like. Or write me, if you prefer. Without false modesty. There is nothing wrong in these things. I mean not doing them, or not talking about them. Expecially between real friends.
All right. I'll be in Rome soon. I'm really longing to meet you again.
For now, be healthy and take care
yours Sebastiano
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Roma, 14/11/86
Sebastiano,
I'm terribly embarrassed, I don't where to start, but I feel that I must absolutely clear up what happened last night.
God nows what you must think of me, now.
I don't know how it could have happened, I feel deeply ashamed and I apologize for that. Forgive me, if you can.
I never did such things, never desired to do them, I really can't understand how it could have happened and feel terribly confused.
This morning I had difficulty being in your presence, probably you noticed that - I wanted to talk you but each time I told myself I had to, I started to tremble and a knot locked my throat and I was absolutely unable to do it, so at the end I preferred to act like nothing happened, as you were acting, but I felt nervous and shaken, because our friendship is too important and I really don't want it ruined by this unpleasant incident.
I know that now you have other problems, other sorrows and that perhaps you don't even feel like thinking of these things, that what happened between us is my fault, but I pray you to believe that I didn't do it on purpose, I didn't premeditate it, and really I cannot understand what happened to me, how I could have done such a thing. I am not trying to find an excuse, I know very well that there is none, but the more I try to understand how it could have happened, the less I understand it.
Forgive me, Sebastiano, if you can, if this is possible. Forgive me, I pray you. I know very well that it is not possible just to let bygones be bygones and pretend that nothing happened, but, if I'm not asking you too much, please try to forget all and write me something so that I may again have the courage to look you in the eye, and know that you don't judge me a perverted and vicious man, an abnormal and amoral one as I may have appeared to you.
I swear to you that I never did such things with anyone before, and that I also never thought it possible for me to do such things, but above all I swear that I didn't intend to show a lack of respect for you, to take advantage of you, I really, absolutely didn't want that.
If you want, you can insult me, beat me, I deserve it, but don't deny me your forgiveness and your friendship.
I hope to receive your answer soon, if it is only just just two lines. Forgive me.
Federico
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Friday 21 st of November
from Salerno
Federico,
Today I received yours of the 14 th. I was expecting something different. Friday morning, before boarding the train, I wanted to talk with you. But I thought you acted so strange. It seemed to me that you were avoiding me. So I said nothing.
Sure, I'm really distressed over mum's death. But also for your reaction. For your letter.
Is it possible that you can't understand?
When the telegram came Thursday night, it was a blow. I felt lost. I was really attached to my mum. You saw that. I was distraught. Even more because she seemed better. I really didn't expect her to die.
And you, as a real friend, tried to comfort me. To let me feel you were near. When we went to bed, if I hadn't burst into tears, it would probably not have happened. But when you heard my sobs, you caressed me. Then you embraced me tightly trying to relieve my pain. I felt your affection, your warmth. I really needed that. I terribly needed that. So I too embraced and huddled against you.
Our half naked bodies, our warmth, our affectionate caresses. This is what happened. Our bodies reacted, woke up. You kissed me.
It was still a friendly kiss, I know. But my kiss in answer was more than just a friendly kiss. I was thirsty. Thirsty for you. For your affection. I needed it. We got aroused. We searched for each other. We made love.
You are ashamed just to write that. We made love.
We made love. LOVE! Because our souls have been in love for months.
You swear to me that you never thought about making love with a male, before. And I believe you. I too never thought about that. For me it is the first experience, absolutely. Not even when I was a child, with my friends. Never, nothing.
But instead, with you, yes. But you are my best friend. Does it seem so strange to you? I'm not a faggot. I know you aren't. But it has been so beautiful! And why?
Because I was in need of love. To feel your love. And you gave it to me. With all your body.
Sublime! I felt your concrete love for me. It has been sublime.
But you now apologise. You ask forgiveness. You are ashamed. Are you sick, or what? You are ashamed to have given your love to your friend? I found it wonderful. Because it was you. You tell me you lacked respect to me! That's the last straw!
Friday evening I wanted to write you to thank you. To thank you, you know that? It would have been better if I did it.
But at home, these days, the funeral, the parents, I didn't have a single moment of peace. So, I confess to you, I didn't think so much of that. But at times I recalled that night, and I was happy.
Inside me I was repeating: for real Federico loves me.
And you ask my forgiveness!
And you are ashamed of me. And possibly even of yourself. I really can't understand you. Are you so much a slave to conventions? Or are you afraid to be a faggot?
Not I.
I never thought to be so. But if, now that I made love with you, that makes me a faggot, it was worth it. I don't give a shit! Rather, I'm happy. Super happy. Hyper glad.
No. I would be happy if you didn't react that way.
To me also our friendship is precious. I too hope that it will not be ruined.
And I was illuded into believing that now we were friends even more than before. Rather, more than friends. We were sharing not only our dreams, projects, but also our bodies. The love that had been born between us, had now found a way to express itself.
But now your letter makes me doubt that.
I love you, Federico. I'm not ashamed, therefore, to have had sex with you. Absolutely not.
Sebastiano
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Roma, 30/11/86
Yesterday i received your letter and I've read it again and again and I'm no more able to make out what's happening, unless you wrote me these things just to make me feel less bad.
You are very gentle, as ever, but I don't feel right about what you say, and these days I do nothing but think about it. Two men don't do such things, no matter how close their friendship is.
It happened to me, when I was fourteen, by a class mate, a sixteen year old student repeating the year's course, and he made me believe we were in love; but it was for me just a kid thing, just an adolescent discovering affection and sexuality and mistaking them; anyway just a youthful crush, understandable if short lived, and the one who drew me out of it was my father who brought that morbid relation to end, and made me understand how it is against nature, and I'm still grateful to him because he set me right again.
But between two adults it is no more understandable, but because it happened between us, it is explainable for you, because you were weak in that particular moment, because of the enormous grief that you felt; but for me it has been something I yet cannot explain to myself, anyway something that will never again happen.
As always you exaggerate in your expressions, you are hyperbolic, but I thank you for that, because it is evident that you did all you could just to make me feel more comfortable, and in fact I now feel a little more serene.
Even more because I have Stefy and I like making love with her, and even if I grew tired of her, as could happen, I like women and I'm sure about that. We are not queer, weird, not I and neither you, it is not sufficient an incident to change a life, don't you think?
Anyway, thank you because from your letter I clearly understood that you are still and want to remain my friend. To me also our friendship is more than precious and right with this letter where you try in your way to paint what happened in less dramatic colours, you show me the truth and depth of your friendship. Other "friends", very likely, would have cut me off, not talk to me any more, labelled me as an abnormal, a pervert, but happily not you.
Our friendship comes out intact, thanks be to God and to your magnanimity, and I promise you that our friendship will remain firm and clean from now on, and rather who knows that this incident makes us even more united, even more friends? We have now a secret in common, a mistake made together: at times even from evil comes good!
Thank you, Sebastiano
your very affectionate friend Federico
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Thursday 9th of December
from Salerno
Federico, the one to understand nothing any more, is me.
First of all, what I wrote you is the indisputable truth. It is not a nice stratagem to make you feel OK. I'm not "hyperbolic". I didn't exaggerate anything at all.
I would like to make love with you again!
But, as it seems to scare you so much, I will not.
Probably that is the reason. You, as a boy, had had a love affair. With a male. And they taught you to be ashamed of it.
So now you refuse it.
On the contrary, I did not even touch a male. Nothing, neither to jerk off one in front of the other. I never had the occasion. So now I'm not scared at all.
Your father imposed on you his solution. But how is it possible to say it was a morbid relation? There cannot be morbid relations between two adolescents. They are still too pure, the small boys.
And about being against nature! That could be said by one who doesn't know a shit about nature. Even monkeys, and dogs, and lots of other animals do it between males. And without love, just for instinct, that is nature. But we humans are superior beings! Bullshit!
About me there has not been the weakness of that moment. My brain was not dimmed by pain. I felt your affection, your warmth. My body and my soul understood that you were offering me love. I accepted it, fully conscious.
I knew perfectly well you were a male. I knew perfectly well that I too was a male. I touched your hard cock, and you mine. We couldn't not know that, not notice that. And we accepted that. And we proceeded. And we exchanged love, through the sex.
It seems to you so strange? So abnormal? So immoral?
Sure, I too want to remain your friend. Sure, it's very important for me. But not at the price to tell lies! Not to myself, not to you.
Anyway, as this thing seems to disturb you so much (just because I want to continue our friendship) if you want we will talk no more on this subject. We will have a chaste and pure friendship. And gelded. Inhibition exists and works, if one wants it to...
But be careful: at times even from "good" can come evil.
Let's change the subject.
Before Christmas holidays I'll come again to Rome. I'll bring the new plates to show you.
If you want this time I can book a room in a hotel . If you want I can stay at your place. I leave that decision to you.
I'll bring up also a sketch of the strips for the script you wrote for Rodolfo and Theo.
Ciao. Take care
Sebastiano
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Roma, 18/5/86
Dear Sebastiano,
I don't know if you can receive this letter before leaving to come here. Before writing this letter I thought about it for two days, or more exactly, I started to answer to you immediately, but then I tore it up.
All right, you think that all is normal, right, well done, but not to me: it's possible you could be right, the only one experience I had as a boy can have conditioned me, and that conditioning could be right or wrong, but I have it; for me it is not normal for two males to have a physical relationship between them, even if they are two very close friends as you and I are.
Male is made for the female and vice versa and also anatomy shows that, it seems to me, in a more than evident way. Between two men there can be friendship, nothing more, and when there is friendship, the true one, this is the maximum: you cannot and may not go further.
Anyway, as you wisely suggest, I think that it is best not to talk about that any more. I respect your ideas, your convictions, your choices even if I can't share them.
Anyway, as I told you when you called me at work, it is clear you come and stay at my place. I don't see any reason to change our habits, there is no problem, no danger. What happened, just happened, it belongs to the past. I feel self confident that you can feel safe.
I'm really longing to see your sketches for the strips for our animation movie. I'm writing a second script and have lots of ideas, or better, idea outlines, so we can talk about them in the next few days and develop them together.
What will you do during the Christmas vacations? I will probably go to Bologna to see my parents: I don't meet them often and, usually, we spend Christmas together.
Stefania was here yesterday and told me to send you her greetings and that she too is longing to meet you again in the next few days, because she likes you and says you are a nice boy, very smart.
I completely agree.
Ciao, my dear friend, receive my greetings and I will see you very soon
Federico
P.S. the color technician asks if you can bring him the samples book you told him about. I don't know what he is talking about, but he says you know. And remember also to bring with you the drawings you did on the Dolomites, the ones you showed me the last time. I think that doctor Beccacece will be interested in them for a campaign he is starting. Ciao ciao.
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