Roma, 21/5/87
My great love,
I have been happy celebrating with you one year since the first time we met.
These days spent together have been wonderful, superior to any expectation, any fantasy, any desire, any hope.
In bed you literally made me crazy with pleasure. You really are a tornado, an earthquake, a flood of joy. You have given me happiness beyond my dreams. Finally we are completely united and I am happy. Then, after making love, to remain so, embraced, to caress each other, and that whispering, tight tight, tender tender... is wonderful! Of course, we didn't sleep much. But who could sleep with you at his side?
Your skill in giving pleasure made me feel even more awkward than usual, but I don't worry about that, because I will learn, you'll see. I will be a diligent pupil and I hope, one day, to surpass my master.
Your coming and going is making me sad. Why don't you come live in Rome with me? You will not miss work, here, you know that. I would like to never be apart from you, I would like to live with you day after day and not by instalments. Am I asking too much? Do you think I'm never satisfied?
If you don't like this apartment, we can look for a bigger, nicer one. I'm not telling that to you to keep you away from Carla, I'm not jealous, you know that, we talked about that. You must be free to do as you like, as long as you fill me with so much love. I will be the happiest man in the world having you here, with me.
Do you perhaps think I'm going too fast? Possibly you wish to be more sure of me? I don't know, everything is so beautiful, so special, so unique that I want it to be nothing less than perfect. Anyway, I relay upon you, will abide by your decisions.
You left only yesterday but I feel like you have been gone forever. This apartment was so beautiful when you were here! Now it seems too empty, too silent. I loved looking at you going around half naked, loved watching you, loved savouring your presence, talking with you.
The sun is setting here over the roofs and my window is a picture of indescribable colors. I like it, but I would like it so much more if you were here with me to look at it, your head on my shoulder, hand in hand with me, as we were two or three evenings ago. You are giving a taste to my life, do you know that?
I love you, sweetheart. I love you very much.
Yours forever
Federico
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Sunday 24th of May
from Salerno
My Federico,
possibly I have done it!
Yesterday I met Carla. I thought she would understand me. So I told her about us. And that, therefore, it was over between her and me. Because I am in love with you.
She just said: "All right."
I was a little amazed. She did take it well, I thought. But she went straight to see Cettina. And told her. Then she found Ruggiero, and told him . She then went to see Francesco. And she blurted it out to him. The poisonous tongued bitch! She only failed to put posters on the main square!
My family reaction astonished me.
Francesco said it was no one's fucking business but my own. He only advised me not to "give scandal". And then, he says, I should take to my bed whomever I wish to and like best.
Cettina was really put out. At first she didn't believe it. She said that Carla was saying those things just because I gave her the old heave-ho. I told her that no, it is really so. Then she said: "Happily mum is no longer living!" and burst out crying.
Ruggiero, last night, in our room, asked me if I was a faggot. I told him I don't know. But that I'm in love with you, and that you are for sure a male. Then he asked me if you too are in love with me. I said yes. And he asked me: "Are you happy?" and I said "yes, we both are very happy". "So," he tells me, "then, I too am happy." and he said he really wants to meet you. Then he gave me a serene good night.
This morning, just after waking up, he asked me if it isn't more pleasurable with girls. I explained to him that the pleasure can be the same with a boy or a girl. But that one doesn't choose, when he falls in love. He asked me if I had gone with many men. I told him that you are the first and only.
He confessed me that he has not yet made love. Then he added: "not with a boy, nor with a girl. A part from flirting with a girl. And a couple of time jacking off with his friends. But each only with himself. We talked for a long while. I explained him a little how difficult it had been for you. And how easy, on the contrary, for me. And he said: "But at last, now, you are both happy, right? This is the only thing that counts."
Today I didn't meet Francesco. Cettina pulled a long face. Ruggiero is as usual.
So, the hash is made, and I don't regret it. I am sorry for my sister. Because she feels bad. I would have guessed she would understand and not my brothers. But it went exactly the opposite.
Today after lunch Ruggiero asked me if I had a picture of you. I showed him the one I have. He says you are a likeable guy, that he really wants to meet you.
As I write to you he sits on his bed. He asked me if I'm writing to you. He says to send you his greetings.
I'm really dying to embrace you, do you know that? What are you doing in this moment? Now it is 11:39 pm. I leave you. But I think of you.
Take care of yourself, my dear love
S.
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Roma, 2/6/87
Dear Sebastiano,
My dear love,
I'm sorry for what happened. I'm sorry that your sister cannot understand and accept. Still, remembering how long it took me to understand and accept, her reactions seem natural to me, understandable. Let's hope that with time she recovers her spirits, poor Cettina.
Return the greetings to Ruggiero and tell him that I too hope we meet soon.
I hope that things are a little better when you receive this letter, and that you are more serene and quiet. I would like to be near you, and not just with my mind and heart, especially in moments like this one. Why don't you really move to Rome? You know that would really make me happy.
I have an idea: if you agree, I can propose it to our publicity depatment to hire you full time, and not just as an external collaborator as you are now. Your way of work and your style are much appreciated, as you know, and I don't think they will oppose it. And at work my opinion has some weight. Unless you prefer to remain a free-lance. But tell me yes, love, I beg you. I'll jump for joy, as you can guess.
My dearest Sebastiano, we are lucky to have met, to have fallen in love. At times I have the sensation that all my past life didn't have any other aim except preparing me for the encounter with you. Preparing me to love you, even if it took me so long to accept it completely.
I have your drawings here to make the test strip for our animation. I am becoming better equipped and I hope in a short time to be able to make a first section of the film. Then, if all works right and there are no parts to correct or to change, we can start the first Rodolfo and Theo's complete story.
I was thinking: why don't we create a friend for Theo? Someone to be paired with him? We can call him Tommaso, called Tomcat. "Rodolfo, Theo and Tomcat", what do you think of it?
Ciao, my love, I leave you, now. Think always of me and come soon.
A strong hug and a caress where you want it.
yours
Federico
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Wednesday, the 10th of June
from Salerno
Love,
Yes, I too am sad being far from you. Living together would be great. When I come to Rome, we will talk about it. And in case we work something out, you can talk to your bosses. I would really like living and working with you. But we have to be sure. If I come to live with you, it will be somewhat like marrying. With all the pros and cons.
Cettina didn't change. She hardly speaks to me. She doesn't make a scene, nor bring up the subject again. She is not hard, but she is sad. And this hurts me. If she attacked me, I would react. It would be more simple. A good fight. So, on the contrary...
Francesco went to talk to Carla. Without telling me. He told her that if she spread the rumor around, heaven help her! He will make her pay for it. Carla probably repented having told it. After all she is not a bad girl. Sunday I met her at the bar, here downstairs. After a first embarrassed moment, we said ciao to each other. Then she called me. She said that she is sorry having spoken to my family. Especially to Cettina. I believe her. So I told her not to worry. That I'm not angry with her. Then, she told me about Francesco's speech to her. She says that even if my brother hadn't threatened her, she wouldn't have broken my confidence to anybody else.
My friends understood that I've broken up with Carla. They think I have a girl in Rome. I didn't say yes and neither no.
A few nights ago, Ruggiero asked me why we don't live together. I answered that we are thinking about it. And he said: "I would not think twice, about it." Then he asked me: "It it was possible, would you marry?" I answered that I really think so. Then he said to me "So, Federico and I are like brothers in law." I smiled. But it gave me a great sensation of joy. As you can see, Ruggiero fully accepts you. At least one out of three. Even if he is only 16, he seems the more mature.
So, my dear love. For the moment I have nothing more to write you. Apart from the fact that I love you.
Always take care and be well
yours S.
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Roma, 20/6/87
My dear and beloved Sebastiano,
I like Ruggiero more and more and I really would like to meet him. Can't you bring him with you the next time you come to Rome? He could sleep on the couch in the living room. Schools are out now, right? Did he ever visit Rome? We can show it to him, and I think that for a boy studying in the Classical High School, it could also be useful, right?
You didn't answer me about my idea to create Tomcat (but we can also choose a different name). Anyway I've almost finished the editing of the first film, and it seems good to me. I wait for us to judge it together. It is just five minutes long, included the credit titles, but it is sufficient to see the rendering of both your drawings and my animation technique.
Tomorrow my dad will arrive. He is coming to Rome for some papers at the Ministries. He will stop here, of course. It is really unusual for my parents to come visit me, normally it is I who goes to their place. I would like very much to be able to talk to him about you, but I am sure he would react a lot worse than Cettina, remembering how he reacted to my adolescent relationship with my school chum. He will surely ask me about Stefania, when I intend to set up house (to get married, I mean, but surely he will use these words) and give him grand-children, and so on. The same old story, in short. Why do we have to live in such a complicated world? Why do people have to decide how others live, to judge, to force, and...
Anyway I will tell him that I'm no longer with Stefania.
Next Summer we will go on holiday together, right? It will be like our honey moon. Where would you like to go? Do you have any dream, any preference? Let me know so we can organize in time. I want them to be fabulous holidays.
As always I have ten thousand ideas inside my head and I cannot write them all down. But one stays crystal clear and it never leaves, so that I can write it without effort: I love you!
But, besides loving you, I also desire you very much. I miss you, I need you, your nearness, your smile, your body. These separation periods are becoming more and more difficult to stand, at least for me. Come soon, I beg you.
I'm longing for you. I love you. I desire you.
yours yours
Federico
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Monday, the 29th of June
from Salerno
My darling,
First of all: I love you.
Then, OK for Tomcat. I'll try.
Then again: I also feel bad far from you.
Possibly, if we were always together we could also get our monkey up. But I don't think so. I really have to move to Rome. I'm more and more persuaded. I too need you. A really big need, it is.
Sure we will go on holiday together. Anywhere, with you. Why not rent a camper and wander? Without a goal, like two gipsies? How does that grab you?
Ruggiero cannot come to Rome. He is so sorry! And he thanks you very much. He has found a job for the Summer. He just started it. Possibly he can come in September, before school starts again. After we are back from our honey moon. He too is dying with desire to meet you.
Cettina has a little less long face. But still has it. At times I would like to confront her, to talk with her. But perhaps it will be better if it is she initiates it. Possibly, if she knew you, it would be more easy. Or on the contrary more difficult? I don't know. Ruggiero says that it won't last forever. He says I must have patience.
Francesco has never talked again on this subject. He just treats me exactly as before. But I would like to know, how he really feels inside.
If I come to live with you in Rome, there is a but. I must continue to send the money for Ruggiero. Until he finishes school and finds work. And I think he also wants to go to the university.
When you receive this letter, don't answer. I'm coming, I'll be at your place the 16th of July. I would like to come Saturday the 4th, but the 5th is Ruggiero's birthday, 16 years round. I bought him a wrist watch. I'll also buy him a gift in your name. I hope you won't be displeased. But for sure he will be happy. I know that he desires a pocket size CD player, several boys have one. And it is not too expensive.
When will they connect your telephone? I want to hear your voice. Talk to you. Possibly I would just say to you over and over: I love you. But I would be speaking, not writing. When I call you at your office, I can't. And you can even less.
My love, I feel I'm going crazy. Being so far from you. As I do things, while I walk, I speak to you. As if you were here, instead of being so far away.
They say: "far from the eyes, far from the heart". It is not true, you know? My heart is full of you.
OK. Take care of yourself, now. See you soon, love.
more and more yours
Sebastiano
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Sunday, the 12th of July
from the train for Naples
Ciao, Love,
We just parted. The train is just leaving Rome. My body is rapidly going away from you. And from my heart, that remained with you.
Go soon to talk to your bosses. Tomorrow, as soon as you are in your office, find me work. I want to live with you in Rome. If not before the holidays, at least soon after.
I told you that I regret leaving my family and my friends. It is true. But I willingly leave them, for you. And with the exchange, I'll gain, you know?
I don't know if I should tell them just yet at home. Probably yes. Who knows that Cettina, at this point, decides to talk with me.
I hope that in your next letter there will already be an answer about the work. If they say no, look for something else for me. Even dish washer. Bog cleaner. Anything. It is no longer enough just to write you. I don't like one week together then one month far from you.
You are so sweet, so good. I was almost certain you would agree to help Ruggiero. But to hear you saying yes with such enthusiasm, filled me with joy.
When you were uncertain about our love, I mistreated you. You didn't deserve it. You say you are lucky having met me. The real lucky man is me, having met you. My luck is really very great.
Your apartment is ok, as I told you, don't worry. You know that I like it. It is one of the first things I liked about you. At most, we can change the sofa in the living room with a nice sofa bed. For possible guests. Sure, we will need a laboratory, for both you and me. But we can find it elsewhere. Especially if the animation is successful.
Sorry for the scrawl, but the train is shaking, now.
Sitting here in front of me there is a kid. He looks at me in a certain way... Possibly I'm his type. But it is useless for him to try. I'm interested only in you. Even if he was the most beautiful boy. Or the most beautiful girl.
And if I didn't have you? Probabbly I wouldn't be interested in him at all. Perhaps I didn't even discover this side of my sexuality. Who knows? But history is not made with "if".
One thing is true. Before, I never looked at males. Never in a sensual way, I mean. I thought I was interested just in girls. Now, instead, I look at them in a different way. This one in front of me, for instance. He is a handsome male. It would be pleasurable to fuck with him.
I wouldn't do that, don't worry. You have no reason to become jealous, nor be afraid. Probably I shouldn't write these things. But if you love me, you have to know everything about me. Really everything.
God, I feel a strong desire to make love with you. Now.
I know on the contrary I will have to wait for a long while. Fucking shit! Yes, we have to live together. As soon as possible. And even before that.
By the way, when are you going to see about the camper? And please, not with two beds, but just a king size bed, understood?
Take care, my desired man
yours (and even more)
Sebastiano
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Roma, 15/7/87
My Love,
Right today I could talk with Doctor Mancinelli. He wants to talk to you directly, but he seems more than interested in the possibility of hiring you here, full time. Moreover, he told me that at the publicity department they were already thinking about that possibility. Therefore I wait you in Rome, of course before the Summer closing. Remember that this year we will be closed from the seventh of August, so you have to come here before the fifth. The best time, I think, will be the end of July or even Monday the third of August. So, if all goes as I hope, they will hire you beginning September.
Therefore, start immediately to prepare your luggage, both for our holidays and to settle here. Rather, I was thinking, when we come back from the holiday we can take the camper to Salerno and pick up all your belongings and take them to Rome directly with us. What do you think?
I'm longing to have you here, with me.
I feel so high-spirited at the idea, I think I am drunk!
On that occasion we can also take Ruggiero with us, so that he can spend some days in Rome with us, and we can show it to him.
Ah, and remember to prepare the papers: you for sure will need the Fine Arts Institute diploma. And the usual ones... anyway as soon as I know what they want, I'll send you the list.
I'm thrilled at the idea that finally we can start to live together. I think that tonight I will not be able to sleep: be that the case, I'll think all the time of you and in that way the night will pass in a rather pleasurable way. I say "rather" because if you were here it would pass in a lot much more pleasurable way.
I love you.
You see, words really aren't sufficient. I think, say, write "I love you" and it seems to me to say too little. When on the contrary I say those words with my body, when I "write it with my body on yours", I feel satisfied, because I know that then you understand what I really want to say. I feel like becoming a graphomaniac, I would never stop writing (on your body).
See you soon, my greatest, unique, splendid love.
Take care of yourself (as you always write) waiting impatiently for the time it will be me taking care of you.
All yours
Fede
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Saturday 18th of July
from Salerno
Love,
Your letter has not yet arrived. Did you speak with them? May I hope? I feel like risking it and coming all the same. If you want. If you want me. I can't stand it any more being far from you.
I told that to Ruggiero. He is happy for me. Even if he is sad we will meet seldom. And he is happy to come to Rome in September.
Then, I told Cettina that soon I will move to Rome. Quite soon. She looks at me with two dark eyes and says: "Ah, with that one?"
Annoyed, I say: "His name is Federico!"
Almost in a whisper, she answers: "I know."
So, looking her straight in the eye, I say: "Then, don't say with that one. And not with that tone. I love him."
She lowered her eyes and said: "Sorry, Sebastiano. I hope you will be happy, with Federico."
So I said: "I really think so. But I will be a lot more happy if you weren't so unhappy."
Then Cettina started to cry. But after, we talked. Then Ruggiero came and he sided with me. We talked all the afternoon. Perhaps she understood a little. Perhaps she is accepting. She will need some time. If she loves me, she will have to learn to love you too. I told her this. She again looked at me with dark eyes. So Ruggiero said that I'm right. Cettina then asked him: "Why, do you love Federico?" And he, promptly: "Sure! He is my brother in law, no?" Right so he said. Cettina looked at him as if to check if he was joking. Then asked him: "Brother in law?" and Ruggiero, quietly: "Brother in law, of course, brother in law."
Well. The die is cast. I crossed the Rubicon.
I love you so much, brother in law of Ruggiero.
I'm longing to meet you again.
I'm happy, thanks to you.
Ciao, love. Take care and think to me.
your lover
Sebastiano
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Roma, 20/7/87
My sweet love,
I received the letter you wrote from the train and that you posted in Naples. Would you please explain to me how you managed to paint the envelope? Did you already have one ready?
Perhaps you have not yet received my preceding letter.
I don't care if you look at other boys, or girls, unless you stop looking at me. Well, honestly, if you were making love with them, I think I would feel bad. But I would forgive you as long as you continue to love me and stay with me. But I would prefer you not do it, and not just not to tell me. If it happens, I prefer to know it, not for other reasons, just because if we start to lie each other or to have secrets, it would be the start of the end.
But it seems to me so absurd to talk about the end when we have just started, right?
Anyway, you have all my trust and as long as you love me, all you decide to do is good for me.
I went to talk with the people at the staff office so I enclose the list of all the papers that you will need for the eventual, almost sure, hiring. Start to prepare them, so you will not lose too much time when the moment comes.
I met Stefania on the street. She was arm in arm with a real hunk. She greeted me and she had the air as if she wanted tell me: "Look what a handsome man I have now!" and I felt like telling her: "But my man is more beautiful than yours!". But on the contrary we just exchanged trivialities and bye bye.
How could I have stayed with that one? Bah!? You literally rescued me, I think.
The fridge is near breaking down, it works worse and worse. But to buy a new one I'll wait for you. From now on we have to decide together all we buy or change in the apartment. Now it is also your home, right?
As soon as you come here, you will register your residence here, right?
I went to the stamp shop to make the new nameplates for the bell, the letterbox and the door. "De Donato - Pirazzoli" in alphabetical order. It has a good sound, and it is like being a married couple, in fact usually they write the two family names of husband and wife. For us, instead, it is the name of husband and husband.
The plant you bought for the living room is really beautiful and doesn't seem to suffer. Each time I look at it, I think of you. But I always think of you, even without looking at it.
This apartment is impregnated with you. And awaits you.
My love, how happy I am to love you and being loved by you. It is indescribable. Really.
Immersed in this sea of happiness (and wallowing in it) I send you a lot of kisses and one (just one) caress, there.
Yours, and more than yours
Federico
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