Thank you for supporting the story. Please consider a donation to Nifty to keep the service going.
Meeting
No. 20 September 13
"Hi, I'm Tyler. I'm an alcoholic."
"Hi Tyler," the group responded.
"Well, I guess I get a new 24-hour chip tonight. My third. I
thought for sure last time I was going to stop for good. My boyfriend really
beat me up Friday night. He always apologizes. For some stupid reason I believe
him every time. He's never hit me in the face. It's always my chest. I don't
always get bruises, but it usually hurts."
I hated hearing this story. It pained me to think a lover
could physically hurt a partner.
"I took a few drinks after that. He had a few before he hit
me. I – I – I know I should leave him, but I keep thinking it will get better.
I'm scared to be with him, but I'm more scared to be without him."
Fuck him. What an ass. No one deserves that. My God, I felt
so lucky. My heart broke for Tyler.
"I'm trying to make sure no matter what, I will not drink
any more. I need to realize, no matter what he does, I need to choose what I
will and won't do. Wish me luck.
"Thank you."
The group clapped.
"Hi, I'm Lance. I'm an alcoholic."
"Hi, Lance," the group responded.
"I got my two-month chip last week. It is clearly clipped to
my fridge. I see it every day. It's just a chip, but it reminds me of a lot. It
means something to me. For those of you who have more, I'd be interested in
what you've done with them. They really are accomplishments. I congratulate
everyone who has gone longer than me. People just don't know how easy it is to
just want to reach for `one drink,'" I said using air quotes.
"My heart breaks hearing about others' struggles, but I
stand here to just say, you are not alone. We are here. We feel your pain. We
know it's real. Please make sure you don't hesitate to lean on someone. It is
not an answer, it is not a solution. It becomes a crutch. It did for me. Until
I drank even when I didn't want to. I was young. I am young compared to
most of the group. But it grabbed a hold of me.
Several people nodded.
"I ... I just wanted to stress that you — all of us — are not
alone. I couldn't believe how helpful that was for me two months ago to finally
realize.
"Thank you."
The group clapped.
I was lonely for Jakob. He had to work late. I told him I
would drop by but would make myself available to others for "coffee." I really
wanted Tyler to know he could depend upon us.
Ophelia, Cooper and I invited him to join us. He gladly
accepted.
I got a raspberry tea. They all got pumpkin spice something
or other. That season had started.
"Tyler, do you have your phone?" I said.
"What's up? Why?"
"I want you to put my number in there. If you need someone,
call," I said, holding up my phone number.
He did, offering his thanks.
"How did you meet your ... boyfriend," Cooper asked.
"We've been together for five years. We started ... dating
isn't the word ... fooling around, privately in high school our senior year. Neither
of us went to college, so we shared an apartment together. Our parents thought
of us as roommates, but it was a one-bedroom. We eventually came out to them.
They seemed okay with it. We were supporting ourselves. But our jobs weren't
great ones. We could pay rent and all that, but we weren't saving much."
"Did you love each other?" Ophelia asked.
"Yes. We still do. I guess."
"When did you start drinking?"
"Well, Baker ... my boyfriend, that's what he goes by, it's
his last name ... was held back a year in elementary school so he was technically
a year older than me. Once he hit 21, he started bringing home beer. I was only
20 but jumped right in. It seemed fun ... and so adult."
"So, you've been drinking a few years then?" I asked.
"Sadly, yes."
"We're the same age," I said.
"We fucked it up early, didn't we?" Tyler suddenly felt
self-conscious. "Can we talk about something else?"
Ophelia and Cooper talked about their kids. I should have
paid more attention, but I couldn't help but watch Tyler's expression. As much
as he appreciated being asked to come, I could tell he was in pain, both
mentally and physically. The way he reached for his coffee, there was a slight
wince in his movements. Fuck his boyfriend.
We tried hard to keep the conversation light. I eventually
said I wanted to see Jakob, so the group wound down the conversation. Tyler
said he appreciated being asked to join.
"Call if you need, okay?"
"Thanks, Lance. That's nice of you."
"Accept a hug?"
"If it's gentle," he replied softly, sort of distant.
I lightly placed my arms around him. I didn't know if he
would do the same, but I eventually felt them lightly pressing on my back. The
other two also hugged him gently.
My feelings can be anything after a meeting. I'm sometimes
really brought down, but after each one, I know I don't need to drink, I'm not
alone and I'm in control of my life. Tonight, I felt down. Thank heavens I was
about to see Jakob.
"God, I miss you," I said walking up to him in the QT.
"Hi, angel," he said.
We ducked behind a row of snack chips for a one-second kiss.
"Guess what? I got a raise!"
"Already? You did?"
"It's only a dollar more an hour — 40 bucks a week, but ..."
"Hey! Every bit helps. You can do a lot with that."
"I got a lot of praise with it though."
"Yeah?"
He had me step into the backroom to see something.
"What am I looking at?" I asked.
"The back area."
"Well, no duh!! What am I supposed
to be seeing?"
"It looks neat, right?"
"I guess."
Jakob was beaming. "It used to be a mess. Not a complete
disaster, but it wasn't arranged as efficiently as it should be. There wasn't
enough rhyme or reason to anything. It was just stuff back here. My
manager was just blown away. Really impressed. He pulled me aside to really
compliment me on my work. He even called Gerard at the shelter."
"That's awesome, baby." I was honestly happy for Jakob.
"I miss you," he said.
"Oh, me too."
"I'm sorry I have to work late."
"It is what it is. Call me before you go to bed. I want to
tell you about Tyler."
Once I got home, Kristy was there. Evan's girlfriend seemed
nice. She had stayed once before, but I didn't get to do much more than wave
and say hello. Before I met her, I hadn't really pictured anything. Maybe I
thought she would be a blonde; I didn't really have any idea. Kristy had shoulder-length
brown hair. Her breasts were nice but nothing enormous. She didn't go heavy on
makeup, and I liked that. If I were still in my "denial" phase, I would have
considered going out with someone like her. The two of them were cozy on the
loveseat. I felt intrusive after a few minutes. They had paused a movie when I
entered.
"I'll give you two some privacy. It was nice seeing you,
Kristy."
I grabbed a flavored soda water and went into my room.
I got caught up with email and looked at a couple of things
work-related online. As much as I tried to distract myself, I couldn't stop
thinking about Tyler. I knew no one had his back. He had to feel alone.
"I love you," I texted Trent.
Two minutes later, my phone buzzed.
"I love you too."
"What's this about?"
I called him. I knew I wouldn't be able to explain it all in
a text.
"Hey buddy," he answered. "Everything okay?"
"Yeah. Kind of a tough night."
"What happened?" Trent asked.
"I had a meeting. There's a fairly new guy there. Gay, my
age. He's in a relationship that sounds toxic. His boyfriend has started
hitting him."
"Fuck. That's awful. Why doesn't he get out of it?"
"I think he wants to but doesn't feel like he has anywhere
to go. I think. I don't know a whole lot. I just knew he didn't have anyone to
have his back. It made me think of you and how lucky I am to have you as my
friend."
"Man, Lance. Are you okay hearing all these problems each
week? I'm really glad you are still going to these meetings, but I worry these
people will drag you down."
"No. Don't buddy. They've helped me. A lot."
"Do you need to talk about it? I'm here for you."
"I know you are, and that is why I texted. I'm lucky. Not
everyone is. But it is really good for me to go there. These people are ... is it
odd to say therapeutic? And I've met Jakob, of course. Oh Trent, when we aren't
together, I miss him so much."
"You've fallen hard, haven't you?"
"I think so. But even that has its own complications."
"How so?" Trent asked.
"It's no surprise I want him out of the shelter, but I'm not
sure how to accomplish that."
"Living with you is not an option?"
"It's kind of fast. Just like you and Mike are taking your
time."
"Right."
"And it is more complex. If Evan wasn't there, I might
consider it, but that's not fair to spring that on him. It's his apartment
too."
"I see."
"Not to mention, Jakob doesn't like to accept charity. He
really wants to take steps on his own. Otherwise it is not much different than
his past was. Obviously, I love him while those other people didn't, but ..."
"Say that again."
"Say what?"
"What you just said."
"I said I love him, but those other ... oh."
"Wow."
"Wow."
"Have you told him that?" Trent asked me.
"No. I have barely told myself that. Seriously anyway. Or
out loud."
"Buddy, I am so happy for you."
"I'm not sure what to say." I paused. "This wasn't the road
I figured we would go down when I called."
"You have a big heart, Lance Wheeling. I know. I'm in it.
Now I see you feeling empathy for others. You've matured an incredible amount
in just a few months."
"I'm just exposed to all these people, that's all."
"I'm proud of you. You have no idea how much," Trent said.
"That means the world to me. Thank you."
"Just make sure you take care of that big heart. Don't let
it get hurt. Don't try to take on the whole world all at once."
"You'll have my back if I do," I said.
"Always. I love you, Lance."
"Love you, Trent. Good night."
As I hung up, I found it bewildering that I could tell Trent
I loved him so easily, but the thought of saying it to Jakob was scary. There
are different kinds of love. Trent and I had a friendship love. But until him,
I never would have said that to a friend. There is a connection between us that
I couldn't explain. We weren't that close ... until we were. The night Detrell
raped him, my car wreck ... we were there for each other. We were kind of complicated,
but I had my feelings for Trent compartmentalized into place now. I wasn't sure
if I felt so confident with Jakob.
Later I prepared for bed. I still hadn't heard from Jakob. I
stared at the ceiling in the darkness worried that he hadn't called, but at the
same time thrilled that he probably would. I thought about him all the time.
Wow. Love. In love. Me in love. Could I tell him that?
I started to doze off. Then my phone rang.
"Sorry it is so late," Jakob said. "We had a water backup in
the back room. Lots of clean up, but we got it taken care of."
"I'm glad you still called. I miss you so much."
"Me too. How was the meeting?"
"Kind of sad. Tyler was there. He had been drinking again."
"Oh man."
"I know," I said. "He's starting over. Sadly, his boyfriend
still hits him. I hate it, Jakob. I don't know what to say."
"Rough."
"We want him to get away, but ... you more than anyone
know it's not that easy."
"I wish I had been there to talk to him," Jakob said.
"I gave him my number. In case he ever needs to call for
help."
"You're very sweet, Lance." He was silent a second. "I
should probably let you get to sleep. I just needed to say good night."
"I'm glad you did. Jakob, I ... I ... really need to see you this
week. I need to hold you and feel you and make love to you."
I was mad at myself for not being able to say it.
"I'm right there with you on that," he replied.
"Oh my gosh," I said.
"What is it?" he asked.
"I think I heard Evan and Kristy making love."
"Really?"
"Barely, like a couple of moans. I think."
"Not screaming through the walls like us?" he said. I knew
he was smiling when he said it.
"No. I would love to be doing that right now. My hand is on
my cock thinking about you."
"Mine will be the next time we're together." We both hummed
a slight moan. "Mmm. Good night, my angel."
After we hung up, my ears strained to hear anything else. If
they were having sex, it was relatively quiet. Then I heard Kristy moan. Then
Evan was just audible enough. I could tell. It was the sound of a man in orgasm.
We
had just been back from spring break. Everyone was returning. Except my college
roommate. I was only a freshman, but he was a sophomore.
The
dorms had very thin walls. I could hear the guy next door. I couldn't remember
his name. He was moaning. It seemed too loud for masturbation. That's easy to
keep quiet.
"I
missed you," I heard him say.
The
other voice was too muffled to make out. I assumed it was a girl, but I didn't
know for sure. My bed was right against the wall. I was alone, the lights were
out even though it wasn't late. I reached for my dick. It was hard just
listening to this guy have sex next door. I started stroking listening to him
make love to ... somebody.
I
heard another voice. It was a man! Holy fuck! Two guys were doing it. There
were gay dudes doing it on campus. My fist gripped my cock so hard. I pounded
my thick meat listening to them. They weren't really loud, but just enough to
hear them through the wall next to me.
I
couldn't tell which one, but one said he was about to come. Then I could hear
it.
My
erection was burning hot. I stroked it rapidly. My breathing was haggard. Had
the other guy come? I could hear him still moaning. He hadn't come, but he was
close. I wanted to come with him. I moved my head closer to the wall. I
recognized that sound. He moaned like someone right at the edge.
"Yeah!"
traveled through the wall.
I
could tell by his groan that he was spurting all over his lover. My cum landed
on my chest in sync with the next room. I groaned for a moment. I wondered for
a second if they had heard me. I laid there listening for anything further. It
was quiet. I reached for a tissue from the dresser and wiped my chest. I
dropped it in the wastebasket.
A
minute later I heard some talking, but barely. If they hadn't been in the bed
on the other side of this wall, it would have been imperceptible. I couldn't
make out words, just sounds of speech. Then the door slammed shut. I wanted to
walk to the door and see who had just stepped out, but there was no way I could
have gotten dressed in time.
Two
seconds later the door to our apartment opened and shut. My roommate had walked
in. Holy, holy, holy fuck.
I reached for a tissue to wipe my chest. I dropped it in the
wastebasket. I missed Jakob so much. I needed him in my bed so badly.
—
I had learned the names of a considerable number of members
at the gym. A lot in fact. I tried to engage them. I had become accustomed to
talking about their families, their jobs, their lives. I actually enjoyed
seeing them each time.
Jason saw me engage a couple of them. He called me into his
office.
"You are doing a fantastic job, Lance. In three months,
you've really taken your position to a great level. You are exceeding my
expectations. I keep hearing from so many members how much they enjoy visiting
with you."
"Thanks," I said.
"Really, Lance. You are doing a great job. I wanted to let
you know that we are close to opening a fourth location. It's an hour from here
in Von. It's a smaller town, but there is only one gym there. We think it will
do well."
"Okay."
"I wanted you to know in case you'd like to apply for
manager. It would be a bit of an uphill competition coming in as a relatively
new assistant manager, but you've done such an outstanding job, I thought you
should know of the opportunity."
"Wow. Thanks for that."
"Think it over. It is not up to me. My father makes all
those decisions. I have input, but it really is his call."
"Thanks, Jason. I really appreciate it."
I left his office a bit numb. What a huge compliment. How
rewarding for my performance to be noted. That would certainly be a significant
raise in salary. I'd like that. But being an hour away? From Jakob? >From Trent?
>From the group? Would that be good for me? I hated the thought of it but
wondered if I'd be foolish to turn down the chance. Crap.
—
Trent had called me yesterday. He had been working with
Tariq. He wanted us to get together for lunch today. I was ecstatic to see him.
I pulled into Parma Sean's. Less than a minute later, they
both pulled in.
"Come here, you!" I shouted at Tariq as he and Trent walked
up to me in the parking lot.
I was all smiles seeing Tariq. I embraced him in a huge bear
hug. It seemed like forever since we were all together as teammates, even
though it hadn't been even five months.
"How are your classes now that you are a senior?" I asked as
the three of us took our table.
He told us about his courses. Trent and I each had one of
the professors he had this semester. We conveyed our own stories.
Tariq talked a little about basketball. The season hadn't
started but the team was getting ready. I remembered those years. I remembered
starting to stare at the guys in the locker room a little too long. How could I
have been in denial?? I mean, seriously. I don't know what it was, but there
was something about Trent that pulled me over the line. I still see it each
time I look at him.
"Are you still with Amanda?" I asked.
"We are. Somehow, she has found it within her to stick with
me. My family is not supportive. But she says she loves me, so I'm doing
everything to make it work."
He showed us a couple really cute pictures of the two of
them.
"How about you? Are you seeing anyone?" Tariq asked me.
"Well, actually I am."
I had always been in denial during college. To admit seeing
a guy to friends is something I couldn't have comprehended in school. I'd have
cringed at the implications back then. Now, I didn't care. Being in my AA group
had removed so many inhibitions.
I pulled out my phone.
"This is Jakob. We've been seeing each other for almost two
months."
"Oh. OH! Oh. You're gay too? Was the whole team gay and I
didn't know it?"
Trent and I laughed.
"I think it was just the two of us," Trent chuckled.
"I was a mess. I ... repressed a lot in school, Tariq. I tried
to convince myself I wasn't gay and ..."
"He's bisexual in my opinion," Trent inserted.
"Whatever. To be truthful, I was hung up on Trent. But I
wouldn't allow myself to admit it. He and Mike were great, and I knew I
wouldn't ever have that. I drank quite a bit."
"I remember," Tariq said. "I guess it makes a little more
sense then."
"That's no excuse," I said. "I blame myself. I made poor
decisions. Drinking became a problem. After I had a car wreck — drunk — I
turned a corner. I'm in AA, Tariq."
"Gosh, I'm sorry, Lance."
"Don't be. My life is on track. I'm doing great at my job. I
haven't had a drink in 10 weeks. And I met Jakob at the meetings. I feel good
about myself for the first time in years. I'm happy. I really am."
"Well, good," Tariq said. "You look great!"
"Thanks. Drinking four or five beers a day packs the
calories on. Once the season ended, I let myself go to hell. I put on 20
pounds. My life was a mess. But now, I feel SO much better."
"Good for you. I guess this Jakob is a good influence too."
"I see a spark in Lance I never had before," Trent said.
"He's had a hard past. Abusive even. He's ... he's so good for
me. He grounds me. I love every minute I'm with him."
"Wow. Sounds like love. Do you love him?" Tariq asked.
I didn't answer. I knew I was in love. I just hadn't been
able to tell him those three words. They scared me.
"Uhhh. I've never said those words to him. But, if I'm
honest, yes. I love him. I totally do."
"You should tell him that, buddy. Nothing could make him
feel happier," Trent said.
"I worry about pushing too fast." I looked at Tariq. "How
long did you wait to say it to Amanda?"
"Oh, lord. I waited too long. We were both afraid —
terrified — to say it to each other. We felt it, but we were too scared to say
it. We were so glad when we did. We had been sleeping together for almost two
months, but saying the words was the scary part. Isn't it weird?"
"Do the two of us get to come to the wedding?" Trent asked.
"Hold on! We aren't there yet! Don't push me!!"
The three of us laughed. Man, it was good to see Tariq. It
was cool that he didn't really react — other than initial surprise — that I was
gay. Trent and I obsessed over that so much in school. Sure, Trent had the
scuffle with Rich, but that was temporary. The team had his back. And yet, the
two of us could hardly admit it to each other at first — I sure couldn't. When
I looked back on myself in school — denial, drinking, all but using women — I
didn't think too much of myself.
I thought I needed to contact other members on the team. I
should just check in on them. These past months had flown by. I didn't need to
tell them about Jakob necessarily. I just needed to listen. I didn't do a lot
of that in school.
* * * *
Feedback: timothylane414@gmail.com
Insight and comments: timothylane414stories.blogspot.com