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Meeting No. 8 August 1
"Hi, I'm Lance. I'm an alcoholic."
"Hi Lance," the group replied.
"I work at a gym. I should clarify that I don't work out
at a gym. Since I broke my wrist, I'm limited to what I can do, but at least I
have the cast off, and I'm wearing this thingy."
I held up the brace on my wrist.
"Once my shift is over, I'm trying to make sure I'm walking
and doing some exercises I can do one handed. Following that, I weigh in. It's
probably a pound or two more than if I weighed in the morning, but I don't own
scales at home. I've tried to keep track regularly at the same time. Yesterday
my weight was 12 pounds less since I stopped drinking. It's been five weeks, so
I feel pretty good about that. I'm sure it will all slow down about now, but ...
I'm not often proud of myself, but I feel it today."
A few people smiled back at me.
"I'm also not a person who always expresses gratitude. I
have people to thank who helped me this past month. My roommate has steered me
toward eating healthy. Well, healthi-ER. I'm not a
freak about it or anything. But that support goes a long way. So does yours.
Having people here listen to you makes you feel better. I don't know if I would
have had the willpower to do it a couple of months ago. Because of you people,
I do. Not slugging down four or five beers a day is a savings on calories too.
"It's funny. A month and a half ago, I didn't think I had a
problem. Well, it's not funny. It's sad. It's sad that I didn't see how I was
reaching for a drink to fill in a void — or perhaps voids — in my life. I let
it get bad. Sometimes I scare myself that I could let it happen again. Maybe
shedding those pounds will be extra motivation.
"Thank you."
The group clapped.
"Hi, I'm Cooper. I'm an alcoholic."
"Hi Cooper," the group replied.
"My divorce was final today. It went pretty smoothly, I
guess. She wasn't mad. She just wanted away from me. We were married for 13
years. We have a wonderful 11-year-old son. He doesn't understand everything
yet. We haven't told him I'm gay. I'm not sure how to do that. We've made sure
he knows that the problem was between his father and his mother, not him.
There's that, I guess. I feel so sorry for him. I mean, lots of kids have to
suffer through a divorce. It's awful for everyone. Finding out your dad is a completely
different person than you thought he was is certainly
an extra layer of emotional garbage he has to deal with though."
Cooper stopped. He wanted to continue, but his lower lip
quivered. He slightly whimpered as his eyes teared.
"I – I've moved in with Mitchell. For now. I didn't really
have any place to go. We had been seeing each other on the side for a few
months. He's a coworker. We fell for each other pretty fast. At first, I told
him I was married and that I shouldn't — and couldn't — do that. Soon, it just
hit me that I was living a lie. My drinking got worse. Mitch stayed with me. I
don't know why. I had so much baggage. And then I couldn't make it through the
day without a drink. Or three."
Cooper was gorgeous. A blonde knockout. Unlike me, I wasn't
seeing any extra weight put on. Of course, that didn't make his pain any less.
"When my wife asked me to live elsewhere, that's when I knew
I was at the bottom. Well, actually, that isn't true. I knew there was one step
lower. I knew if Mitch told me he was done with me too, that was a well I could
never crawl out of. I would have felt lost. And alone. So. Here I am. Six weeks
without a drink. I'm probably pretty lost as I begin ... my new life, but
Mitchell is helping.
"Thank you."
The group clapped.
As I helped put away chairs, I walked by one of the prints
on the wall. It was behind glass, so it reflected some glare. I could see
myself in the reflection for a second. The shirt I had on flattered my stomach.
I remembered what I looked like the night of my car crash.
I
was alone. I'd been home from work for two hours, and I just popped open my
third beer. Evan was arriving over the weekend. He was about to move in. It was
my last night alone. Trent was gone. He moved out. He left me. He didn't want
me. He wanted Mike. Tall, gorgeous, hairy Mike.
But
I needed to celebrate my last night of solitude. I didn't need anyone else. I
had the place all to myself. I could run around naked if I wanted. So, I did. I
took off all my clothes. I looked at myself in the mirror. I was fat. It was
Trent's fault. No, it wasn't. He just didn't want me. Who would want anyone
this fat?
My
cock looked good though. It's huge. Why didn't Trent want my monster? I stroked
it to get it hard. I danced around the apartment naked. My erection bounced
around like a sapling in a hurricane. It made me laugh. I pulled on it for a
while. That felt good.
I
got up and went into Trent's room. Evan's furniture was there, but there wasn't
the slightest hint, the slightest molecule, to indicate that Trent was ever
there. It seemed lonely. I was lonely. I went to the kitchen for a beer.
I
flopped back down on the couch again, swallowing a big gulp.
As
I held onto the beer, I looked at my cock again. It wasn't hard anymore. It
looked big though. Too big for a guy to take it in the ass. Damn it. Fuck. But
... no. Fuck that; my dick is awesome. I took another gulp.
My
other hand grabbed my rod and started yanking on it. My dick felt good. It was
rock hard again.
"You're
fucking missing this gorgeous hunk of meat, Trent!" I screamed at the walls.
"It's the most cock you would ever get!"
I
took another big gulp.
I
thought of the two guys I tried to fuck who couldn't take the size of my cock.
"Damn
them!"
I
stroked myself harder.
I
remembered the night in my college apartment that Trent and I had wild sex. It
was a one-time thing. Trent was very clear about that. God, it was hot. He is
so hot. I love his dick. It was inside me. Oh fuck, it felt good. Fuck him for
only fucking me with his fucking awesome cock that night. Why didn't he want
more? Fuck him.
I
stood up. I could see the reflection of my erection sticking out on the
television screen. Man, it looked great. I wish I saw Trent's reflection behind
me, ramming me with his hard-on. He felt so good inside me. I loved that. My hand
grabbed my cock again, and I watched my reflection — jerking my stiff beast.
Trent
had fucked me twice. It was the best times I had ever had sex. I loved it. I
closed my eyes and imagined him inside me. My grip got tighter, and my
masturbation worked with greater gusto. The nerves in my tight erection seemed
electronic. My grip rubbed and pulled and stroked. My dick throbbed and pulsed
and gratified. It was if the stimulation was causing vibrations under the skin.
I groaned at the extraordinary sensations. I groaned louder. I wondered if my
neighbors could hear. Who cares? Fuck them.
"Oh,
holy fuck. This feels so good. You could have had this, Trent!" I yelled at the
walls. Again.
My
cock felt 200 degrees. It was a hot throbbing pole like a glass blower would
use. I knew I was close to coming. I remembered when we fucked. I remembered
him coming inside me. He told me I was his first. My eyes closed, and I
pictured his naked body.
"Come
in me," I whispered this time.
My
cock exploded. My groin was stimulated to where the orgasm was intense.
"Ohhhh,
fuck!" I screamed again. "Yeah, fuck."
I
opened my eyes and caught my breath. The coffee table had streams of my cum
splattered across it.
I
saw my reflection in the television again. This time I didn't look at my penis;
I looked at my belly. My pudgy overweight belly.
I
needed out of this lonely apartment. I slammed the rest of the beer.
Going
back into the bedroom, I dressed in record time, barely even getting my clothes
on fully. I stumbled once. I slipped into flip flops and grabbed the keys. I
locked the door and hopped in the car.
Where
to go? Where to go? Anywhere. Away. Away from the lonely apartment. The country
sounded good.
It
didn't take long to be away from city lights. I wasn't sure where I was. The
roads were darker out here. Another car came up behind me. His headlights were
in my rearview mirror.
Wait.
Was I supposed to turn?
—
I
woke up two hours later. The doctor had to tell me where I was twice.
Everything was fuzzy, but I started to understand where I was. He said he
needed to do a couple more tests, but family and friends were on their way.
How?
The
doctor said my tests were good, but the x-rays were not. My arm was killing me.
My wrist was in agony. He said he would give me something for the pain soon.
Thirty
minutes later I had a small cast on my wrist. They put me in a wheelchair and
rolled me out to the waiting area. It was late. Hardly anyone was there. I saw
Trent and Dad and felt like the biggest fuckup that ever lived. What a loser I
was. Dad's face ... pity, sympathy. I was so ashamed. I couldn't even look at
them.
Trent's
eyes were so watery. I hated myself. I was such a loser. I couldn't look at
him. I couldn't look at either of them. I couldn't look at them for the rest of
the night. I couldn't look at them the rest of my life. I was so fucked up. I
still had a buzz, but I know I had screwed up too much. I was gone.
When
we got back to the apartment, I carefully sat down on the couch. It was tricky
with my arm in a sling. I looked down and saw my cum dried on the coffee table.
I leaned to pick up some magazines and stack them over it. When I leaned back,
I stared at the two of them. Over my belly.
"Congratulations on the weight loss," Jakob said.
"Thanks, Jakob. Ophelia's not here this evening. Up for a
milkshake?"
"Actually, I haven't had dinner. I'll have a cheeseburger;
you have a milkshake."
Udder Delights didn't have a huge menu, but there was a
grill which made burgers and fries an option. After bragging about my weight
loss, I would have felt guilty about pigging out on something. I had a frozen
raspberry yogurt in a bowl.
Jakob went up to the counter when they called his number.
When he returned, he put mustard on his burger and drew lines of ketchup on his
fries. I found that curious as I always had made a puddle in which to dip them.
"I didn't know if you'd join me," he said.
"Why?"
"Why!?" he said in surprise. "I kissed you the other night.
I figured I would scare you off. I hadn't planned to. It was just rather impulsive.
I'm sorry."
I wasn't sure what I wanted my response to be. Our eyes
locked.
"Don't be. I enjoyed it."
His mouth was full, but it worked into a smile.
"Tell me about work," I said.
"Got my first paycheck yesterday! Woo hoo.
Lance, I haven't had a paycheck in ... I don't know how long. Like over two
months. I mean, it's nothing compared to what you make ..."
"I'm an assistant manager. It's not that much."
"I'm sure it is more than working at a QT. But you know? I
like it there. Everyone is nice, they don't judge me, and I like working hard.
My life has been so insane, I haven't really had a lot of job opportunities in
the past."
"How on earth have you survived for nine years?" I asked.
"Survived is right. When my family kicked me out, I lived
with my best friend the rest of my senior year. His family was great, really
supportive. I guess he was a first boyfriend, but we weren't serious. For too
long anyway. I loved him though. We came out to each other at the beginning of
that year. We were close. We could tell each other anything."
"Trent and I are like that."
"I couldn't believe they just welcomed me into their home. I
mean, I'm sure they didn't want to see their son's best friend kicked out on
the street, but ... that was a lot to ask."
"How was it living there?"
"Heaven. I was kind to them. I cleaned up, pitched in with
chores, helped in the yard. I was a good kid. To be honest, they would tell me
I was like a second son."
"Wow. That's nice. Kind people."
"They were," he continued. "But eventually graduation came.
Then things turned upside down."
"What was your boyfriend's name?"
"Anson. But, yeah, I guess you could call him my boyfriend.
We kissed a lot, jacked off together. There was a little sucking going on —
nothing too outrageous. But that was for a couple of months. After that, the
romantic part sort of trailed off. We became like brothers. We held each other
in bed, but the romance thing changed."
"And after graduation?"
"They moved! His parents agreed to let him finish high
school there, and then they moved to Wyoming late in the summer. He went to
college in ... a Dakota, I can't remember if it was North or South. Not sure."
"Wow."
"They were heartbroken for me. They knew me picking up and
coming along was wrong. I was 18 by that time and needed to start my own life.
They were kind folks. They worked for the city. They didn't have a lot of
money, but they gave me an envelope of several hundred dollars to help me get
started."
"How nice!"
"I know, right?" Jakob began talking with a fork. "I got
simple work. A busboy in a restaurant. I wasn't really making enough for my own
place. I was praying to find a roommate quickly. A server at the restaurant helped
me find someone. Dishwasher actually. He was gay."
"I guess that made it easier," I said.
"You would think, but no. My drinking started there. He was
in his 20s and gave me beer all the time."
"Oh, fuck. That doesn't sound good."
"It wasn't. And I learned more about drinking. He bought
whiskey and made frozen margaritas. I learned to like those at the restaurant.
Other friends would stop by. More drinking."
"Doesn't sound ideal."
"That's been my life for years, Lance. Jobs were very
minimum wage. I bounced from apartment to apartment for years. I guess I got a
reputation for being a houseboy. I was expected to clean the place all the time
in exchange for the cheap rent. And occasionally I didn't have to sleep on a
futon because someone would want company in bed. And I drank. But that's how I
survived. Sex and alcohol — just for a place to live."
"My God, Jakob! I ... I don't know what to say!"
"Finally, this year, I just said I couldn't do that anymore.
So, I was out on the street. I was so addicted by that point that the little
money I had went toward drinking. I had a box of clothes I threw in the car and
a blanket. I lived in my car and a park for about two weeks. I hated sleeping
on a bench. I hated it. I just wanted a bed."
I could feel tears pouring down my cheeks. I hadn't even realized
I had been crying.
"Eventually, I moved into the shelter just to sleep on a
bed. It's a simple bed, but it's not a bench."
I grabbed a napkin to blot my eyes. I couldn't stop crying.
"That's all so unfair. No one should have to go through that,"
I offered.
"This paycheck feels really good. You can see why," he said.
"I have no clue what to say. Holy shit."
"I'm trying not to look too far ahead. I don't necessarily
see a way out, but as long as I have a bed and I'm making money, I feel better.
I'm moving away from what my life was. Want to know the great thing?? I cashed
the check and buying alcohol never crossed my mind."
"Awesome. THAT'S progress."
"Yes, it is," he said, wiping his lips and placing his
napkin on his plate.
With his hand free, I reached over and held it.
"That took courage to tell me all that. Thank you for
trusting me."
"Ha. If the kiss didn't freak you out, I'm sure that story
will send you running." He pulled his hand back. "But thanks for listening,
Lance. You're a good listener."
I stared at Jakob. I just thought of him as a friend. He
would never be a man I would pursue, romantically that is. He's not athletic;
his looks are just average. Considering my family's college background, his
education level is nowhere near that of my family. But I found myself drawn to
his simplicity. His boy-next-door quality had its charm, compared to some
chiseled god from a GQ magazine. Or Trent.
"I suppose I should began my walk back. It's not far, but
it's almost dark."
"Okay, I'll walk with you."
If I walked back to the center where my bike was parked, it
would have been just over a block, but I wanted to walk the whole way with
Jakob. When we got to the shelter, it broke my heart to know he had to sleep
there. Every night. It was so unfair. But at least he wasn't on a park bench.
"I will see you Wednesday if you are there," Jakob said to
me, as we arrived at the shelter.
"I will be." I looked into his eyes. "Until then ..."
I grabbed his shoulders and pulled him to me. I kissed him
firmly, my lips pressing as sensually on his as I could. It was a very long
kiss. As he pulled back, he looked into my eyes in surprise. He wrapped his
arms around me and hugged me. I noticed he lowered his head and placed his ear
to my chest.
"I know you have a big heart. I can now hear it."
We kissed again, and I started walking back to get my bike.
I had just admitted to myself that he wasn't someone I would
ever be interested in romantically. So what was up with the kiss?
What was it like for him each night? I couldn't even picture
what it would be like to sleep in the shelter. Was it noisy? Did people near
him snore? What did he wear to bed? Was the bed soft? Where did he put his
things? What things? How much did he own? I couldn't come up with any answers
to my questions. As drawn to him as I was feeling, it could never work. We
weren't a good fit. I felt confused and helpless and ...
... was glad I kissed him.
* * * *
Be sure to check out the blog: timothylane414stories.blogspot.com. There is a little background to Lance's flashback discussed there.
Email: timothylane414@gmail.com