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Meeting No. 12 August 15

"Hi, I'm Ophelia. I'm an alcoholic."

"Hi, Ophelia," the group responded.

"I have my daughter for the weekend next weekend. My husband said she could stay Sunday night so that I can drop her off on the first day of school. That was big of him. I guess. But I'm thrilled. I want to make sure I am the perfect mommy that morning. I plan to take selfies with her and get her first day picture and all that stuff. Last year, my ex would barely let her stay part of a day with no supervision. He just didn't trust me. So, it is nice to come this far.

"Thank you."

The group clapped.

"Hi, I'm Jakob. With a K. And I'm an alcoholic."

"Hi, Jakob," the group replied.

"I met someone special. Actually, I met two special people. I've been seeing someone — a little at least; it's kind of hard to do that living in the shelter — but it makes me feel ... different."

I was wondering where Jakob was going with his share.

"Somehow this person has seen something in me. He's let me know I can actually feel things again. On the inside. Things that don't actually hurt. That's wonderful and scary and confusing and ... I didn't know I could feel this way.

"But the person I met was his father. Here I am ... an alcoholic ... living in a shelter ... no home ... hardly anything to my name ... a simple job ..."

My eyes were watering hearing him talk about Dad. I rubbed them with the back of my wrist. I looked at my wrist and realized the brace was gone. It felt like it used to.

"And this man treated me like I was somebody. My dad threw me away because I came out to him at 17. Kicked me to the street. And ... this stranger ... sees me for the nothing I truly am ... and thanks me for bringing joy to his son. I'm not sure how someone who has all but nothing can be made to feel like a million bucks. But I did.

"Thank you."

The group clapped. I cried. Ophelia turned around to offer me a tissue. Jakob returned to the seat next to me. I put my arm around him. He leaned into me.

Jakob had an overnight bag under his seat. It was actually a grocery bag, but it was items to bring home with me. I was so excited that I could now drive us around. It offered us more opportunities. At the same time, a new car like mine would be something out of Jakob's reach. At least for the foreseeable future. I didn't want to come off as privileged or snobbish. I was concerned on how to balance my new acquisition with his feelings. When I was stuck with a bike, there was a vulnerability he could relate to. I hoped the car didn't put him off.

"Hi, I'm Cooper. I'm an alcoholic."

"Hi, Cooper," the group replied.

"I talked with friends the other night. It made me remember when I started drinking. I graduated from a Christian school. On campus, drinking wasn't allowed. I learned to drink at work. Business meetings, clients, business dinners. I acquired a taste for it.

"But when life started to unravel — when I started struggling personally — the client meeting turned into a second drink before I left work. Or a third. Half the nights at home I had two or three more. By bedtime, I was usually heavily buzzed. I was probably drunk but wouldn't admit it to myself. Natalie said she hated the smell on me.

"The last year, I couldn't go a single day without a drink. I usually had several. When I started drinking at home, I would try to hide it a bit — coffee mugs would disguise the content. Corey, my son, wasn't an idiot. He soon knew. And then I just drank openly. I was trying to suppress who I was and the trap I was in. But that didn't work. I didn't overpower anything because I drank. It overpowered me.

"I just cringe ... CRINGE ... thinking of my son seeing me that way. Somehow, he has managed to see me like I used to be ... now that I don't drink anymore. I think he must be an optimist. I don't deserve a son that good. I'm trying to be worthy of his love and forgiveness.

"Thank you."

The group clapped.

We put away the chairs.

"Ophelia, can I beat Lance to the punch: you look beautiful," Jakob said.

"You're a sweetie. Thanks, boys."

The three of us went out for soup and salad.

"Ophelia, you must do well at your job?" I asked.

"Hm. Why do you say that?" she asked back.

"You look great all the time. Makeup, clothing, accessories ... you could be a model."

She broke into laughter.

"Honey, I'd have to lose about 20 pounds to be a model."

She laughed again. She was so loud that other tables looked at us.

"You look fantastic just as you are," I said.

"Lance, I swear. If you weren't dating Jakob, I'd turn you straight."

"If I weren't seeing Jakob, I'd probably go out with you. You're a catch. Trent always says I'm bi. I've slept with many girls, I'll have you know."

The conversation stopped.

"God, that sounded horrible said out loud," I noted.

Ophelia laughed hard again.

Jakob just stared at me as the conversation went off the rails. He let me stew in my own juices.

"I am way too old for you, child. But you'd look fine on my arm. And after the details you've shared, I'm sure you'd look fine in the bedroom. Am I right, Jakob?"

Silence. Jakob looked down.

Ophelia knew she had said something wrong. She didn't know what, but things immediately seemed off.

"Which soup did you get?" she said, trying to switch the topic in an effort to recover.

We compared soup flavors for a moment.

"Jakob, I was really moved by your share tonight," she said. "I know it was from deep in your heart."

"Thanks," Jakob said softly.

"Please don't ever think of yourself as a nothing," she said. "I see in you a wonderful young man — with a kind and loving heart. Don't ever forget that. We know who you really are. You're awesome."

I smiled at her for saying the uplifting words. I reached over and held the hand Jakob wasn't using.

"Breadsticks!" Jakob said. "They brought out breadsticks. I'll get us some."

That was a carb I was going to have to try to resist. They smelled heavenly when he brought a few back for us. The two of them reached in and devoured one immediately. Their hands and mouths indicated they were still just a little too hot.

At the end of our meal, Ophelia looked back at me.

"I never answered your question. A lot of these clothes are from before I was an alcoholic. My husband and I did okay, so I was able to buy jewelry and some nicer things. I've taken care of them. I also have a few new items. The makeup is my splurge. I cut back on things in the apartment so that I can get what I want. It makes me feel better."

"One day I want to see you out of makeup, O," I said.

"Goodness, honey. That would be when I'm in my coffin."

Jakob looked at her. She noticed him staring.

"You're beautiful as you are, Ophelia. I can tell," said Jakob.

"What do you mean you can tell?"

"I don't know how you can miss it. Even without all that, you're pretty. I can see it clearly."

Ophelia looked stunned. She was at a loss for words.

"Well. I don't ... I'm not ..." She leaned over and kissed Jakob on the cheek. "You're sweet as sugar."

We all agreed to be at the meeting Wednesday night. Before she drove off, Ophelia came over to look at the car. She oohed and aahed over the color and the features. She was happy for me. She noted Jakob's overnight bag in the back seat. She gave me a wink. She didn't get that we would just be sleeping.

"Are you boys being careful?" she quietly asked. If it had been other people, that question would have had a different meaning. For two alcoholics starting sobriety, it meant something different.

"Yeah," I said, nodding. "We're not ... we don't ... we're just taking it slow. I can't say we are even dating. We're just there for each other."

She hugged the both of us before we all got in cars. Jakob and I drove to my apartment.

Evan wasn't there yet. We laid on my bed and kissed for a few minutes. We held each other with the lights turned off.

Jakob placed his head on my chest. His ear was placed to where he could hear my heart beating. He liked that. I did too. It was a subtle way we were connected. I ran my fingers gently through his short hair. We were at peace.

Evan came in so we got up to say hello. He had been out with some coworkers. He told us about the farmers market they had visited and a vineyard not too far out of town. Evan was fantastic about not bringing alcohol in the house. He was very understanding. I mentioned my birthday was coming soon and that I'd like to have a few people over. Perhaps he could pick up a bottle so that we could offer something to guests. He agreed.

"When is your birthday?" Jakob asked.

"Next Thursday, August 27. I'd like you to meet Mike and Trent. It would be nice to have all of us here. That's all I want for my birthday. My friends."

"Sounds nice," said Evan.

"You won't have an evening shift next Thursday, will you?" I asked Jakob.

"The schedule for this half of the month just came out. I only have two evenings. The high school kids tend to not want to get up early, so I can usually get the first half of the day easily. I would assume I have 7 to 4 next week, but I'll double check."

Jakob and I worked on a letter for his mother. In some ways it was easier, and some ways it was harder.

"What do you want her to know?"

"I've thought about it. I just want her to know that I hope she is okay and that I think about her all the time. The whole family."

We typed that.

"Tell her your job is going well," I said.

We typed that.

"Do you forgive them?" I asked.

"I don't know if I could type that," he said. "I was punished just for being me. I – I am not sure if I can let that go. I do still love them, but that hurt just doesn't go away."

"Should we tell her that?"

Jakob looked afraid to type the words. Eventually he typed a few sentences. I read them over. I corrected one spelling mistake, but the words were heartfelt. They weren't accusatory; they just conveyed both his pain and love.

We folded it and placed it an envelope. We told Evan we would be back in a half hour.

I remembered most of the way, but he kept me from making a wrong turn. There was a light on in a back room, but most of the house was dark.

He quietly returned to my car.

"Feel okay?" I asked.

He nodded.

"I'll text my sister tomorrow to see if Mom retrieved it."

The drive back was easy. It was pretty quiet. Jakob seemed deep in thought. How horrible I realized it would be for me to never see my parents. He was so strong. It's just sad that it was forced upon him.

The three of us watched the news. Once it was finished, we all went to our bedrooms. I was content to just share the bed with Jakob. I didn't want to push the sex thing. I liked just holding him. If that were as far as it went, I'd be okay with that.

Jakob grabbed his grocery bag. He had a toothbrush wrapped in a paper towel.

"I have something I want to show you," I said.

We went into the bathroom. I pointed to the second drawer from the bottom. "I cleared this for you. This drawer is yours."

I opened the drawer and in it were brand new items still in packages: a new toothbrush, toothpaste, deodorant, a brush and comb, a small box of condoms and a small bottle of mouthwash. There was still some space for anything he might wish to add.

"When you stay over, I want you to have personal things of your own. I want it to feel welcoming."

Jakob stared into the drawer. I didn't want the condoms to throw him, but if he ever felt ready, I wanted him to be comfortable. He looked at the toothbrush in his hand.

"This is really sweet, Lance," he said.

He leaned over to give me a simple kiss. Then he hugged me.

"I really don't know what to say," he added.

"There's nothing to say. I enjoy it when you stay here, and I want you to enjoy it too."

"I can tell you've cleaned," he said, squirting toothpaste on his brush. "There's still a hint of Pinesol lingering."

I chuckled. "The first time was a tad embarrassing."

We both brushed our teeth, peed and brushed our hair.

I was back in the bedroom first. I took everything off except my underwear. I wanted to be naked but resisted. Jakob kept his T-shirt on, along with his briefs. We slid into the sheets, kissed and I turned out the lights.

"I'm glad you're here," I said, rolling over to hold him.

I placed my head on his chest as he had done with mine earlier. I could hear his heart through his T-shirt. I had to admit it was nice. I could see why he liked this. I felt his fingers sift through my hair. It surprised me how such a simple gesture was so wonderful. His fingertips going through my hair and scalp was gentle. On occasion, he'd gently tighten two fingers around a clump of hair and gently pull. He could have done it for an hour, and I wouldn't have tired of it.

"When was the last time you really struggled with not drinking, Lance?"

I lifted my head. "I don't know. Why? Are you okay?"

"I'm very okay. I love being here with you."

"Good," I said, returning my ear to his chest.

"We both are doing so much better. If we become ... I don't know ... boyfriends, real boyfriends, I don't want to do anything dumb to make you drink. I don't want to screw it up."

"You won't. I know who you are, and I accept you for who you are."

"Do you? We've only known each other for a month."

"Kicked out as a teen, in a shelter, now working, staying sober in AA, kind, good kisser, not a thief or serial killer. What's left to know?" I said playfully.

He chuckled. Then a moment of silence let me know he was serious again.

"After a while, you may not want to take it slow. You may need more than I can give," he said.

I moved on top of him and placed my lips on his. We entered into a deep kiss.

"Let's just handle that if it ever comes up. For now, I'm just happy to have you."

We kissed some more. I felt sure we could both feel our penises getting hard. Underwear or not, they were pressed together. I was exceptionally horny, but I respected Jakob enough to not push him too fast. If I was a trigger for him returning to alcohol, I wouldn't be able to live with that.

"I haven't wanted a drink since I met you," he said. "When I started AA and listened to others, it felt good to know that I wasn't alone; being in a group helped. But I often wanted a drink before going to bed. In a shelter, I couldn't do that. Well, some people probably sneak some in, but I didn't even have the money to really get it after a week there. If I ever screwed this ... us ... up, I'm scared that I wouldn't cope well if I caused you to stumble."

I was still looking into his eyes, even though the room was mostly dark.

"You won't screw this up," I insisted. "And if something unforeseen did happen, you are strong enough to keep moving forward. You said it yourself, you're a survivor. Drinking is no longer surviving. It's the opposite."

"At some point, what if you decide you don't want me? I know I can't live up to your expectations."

I rolled off him and held him in my arms.

"How do you even know what my expectations are?"

"You're gorgeous, I'm not. You've got a huge dick. I don't. You have money. I'm living in a shelter. It doesn't add up. With your looks and your cock, you can have any guy you want."

"It doesn't necessarily work that way." I looked at him intensely, making sure he was looking back. "Do you really think I can have any guy I want?" I said softly mere inches from his lips.

"Yeah."

"That's good to know, because I want you."

"Well, actually you want Trent."

I was blind-sided. I pulled back and turned on the light.

"What?"

"I know you're in love with Trent." He looked down at the bedding, purposefully not looking me in the eyes. "I'm ... I'm okay being sort of second choice. It's the nicest I've felt in a long time. Can I just ask you ... one favor? I understand that I'm not Trent, but ... I just don't want to be a rebound guy on the way to the next person."

"No. No, no, no." I pulled him close to me. "I'm not sure what I feel about Trent exactly. I don't know if a person ever truly gets over a first love, but ... I'm at peace accepting he and Mike are together. I think of them as a couple. If anything ever happened to them, I would be very upset." I took my hand and turned his face toward mine. We looked each other in the eyes. "You're not second choice. You are someone new in my life. Someone important. I like you. I like us."

I kissed him. We kissed for several minutes. I felt his arms wrap around me. They held me tight and occasionally moved up to hold my shoulders. He let one travel down to hold one of my ass cheeks. We kissed another moment then he pulled away.

"I should be careful," he said.

"Okay, we can turn in." I gave him one last quick kiss. "Good night, baby."

I turned out the light. Lying there in the darkness, he put his arm around me. I had called him "baby." I had never done that before. Did it sound silly? I reached up to put my hand on top of his and held it to my chest. He pressed his body further into mine. His bulging crotch was pressed into my hip.

My cock was yearning for some gratification. I wanted it. However, I had several nights on my own ahead, so I could make it one night without getting off. This was what was right for him.

He was so scared he could never satisfy me. But if we ever did become intimate, what if it was the opposite? I've always wanted to fuck someone, but both tries have been a failure. What if he thought I was not right? I hoped we could make love — eventually — but what if my stupid dick ruined it? I would never want to cause him pain. I wanted to fuck him. I wanted him to fuck me. Fuck! Could we make it work? Should we even try?

 

—

 

My eyes opened. I could hear the toilet tank refilling. I must have been wakened by Jakob flushing the toilet. It was 3:15 in the morning. The bathroom door opened, and I could feel him moving back into the bed between the sheets.

He rolled on his side to hold me again. Even half asleep, I loved being held.

Several minutes later, I heard Evan in the kitchen. He probably didn't mean to make a noise, but he had obviously bumped something in the dark. Probably a chair. Now awake, I wanted to roll over and hold Jakob.

As I moved, he moved in tandem. We moved as one like the brats on the rolling grill at his QT. I placed my arm over his chest. I could feel the chest hair, and I playfully teased it in my fingers. Gently, I rubbed the hair on his pec.

Wait! He wasn't wearing the T-shirt. I had been feeling his chest. My hand roamed around his chest enjoying the feeling of touching his skin. I followed the hair into the stripe that went down to his navel. I rubbed his belly slowly and gently. My hand lowered and I felt his bush. Then his hard cock. Jakob had climbed back into bed naked!

He rolled toward me on his back. I pulled my hand away.

"I'm sorry," I softly said.

He reached for my hand and put it on his hard-on again. I wrapped my hand around it. It was a spike. It felt four inches long, maybe five, but probably not. It was just incredibly hard.

"So, as you can tell, this is what you get when you choose me. I'm not you. Not close to being you. I will not be able to be what you want me to be. I'm sorry, Lance."

"For what? Being a man? It's not like we get to choose our anatomy. To be honest, I like how it feels."

I rubbed on his erection for a minute.

"I'm scared," Jakob whispered.

I moved my hand away.

"How would you feel if we just jacked off? We're both hard as rocks. We wouldn't touch each other. Would that be okay? Would you feel comfortable with that?"

"Okay," he said, sounding unsure.

I slipped off my underwear. We were both nude under the sheets in bed. Both of us reached down and grabbed our cocks. We began stroking them. It was dark, but there was enough dim light to see that our arms were fairly in sync. We enjoyed the same rhythm.

Neither of us were loud. Neither of us said anything. We just listened to each other's breath get heavy and ragged. We were a foot apart. We didn't have any part of our body touching each other.

Jakob started moaning. It wasn't loud enough for Evan to hear in another room, but I could. He started inhaling and exhaling deeply. I figured he was close. I lifted my ass and moved a little closer to him. Jakob did the same and now our hips were touching each other. Our skin was pressed together in a layer of fleshy warmth.

Jakob pulled the sheet down. I felt he would come at any minute judging by his heavy breath and howling moan. I took my left hand and cupped it around his balls. I gently felt them.

"Fuck," he whispered.

The faintest glimmer of liquid shone above his cock. He was unloading his cum on his chest. I couldn't see it but knew from the bucking of his hips his orgasm was intense. He thrust his waist one last time into the air milking the last spurt of cum from his dick. He relaxed and took a deep breath.

My right hand reached over to run a finger through his cum. I stuck it in my mouth with an audible slurp. I gathered more on my hand and then wrapped it around my cock. I liked how that felt. I started pounding my flesh with the sticky, slippery fluid of his climax. I was quickly breathing hard as I had been fairly close to coming just as he did. My crotch writhed in pleasure as I masturbated with his body next to mine. My moaning got more noticeable.

"Ohhh," I whispered. "Ohhh yeah."

"Let me," he said.

Jakob slid his hand across his navel and scooped up a good amount of cum. He grabbed my cock and started rubbing and yanking it just as we had both been doing. The sound of stroking with liquid on my cock was very different. It was hot. The rhythm was spot on, and he worked his cum all up and down my shaft. His hand perfectly pounded the base.

"I'm coming, baby."

Ropes of my cum shot from my cock with each throbbing pulse. The furthest landed right between my pecs. I thought one landed on his arm as he cranked my volcanic prod toward him.

"Fuck!" I said as the last drops of my orgasm dripped onto his hand.

We were both messy, but I grabbed his head and pressed our lips together.

"I enjoyed that." I hesitated for a second. "Um. Are you okay?"

He kissed me. "I think I'm okay." He looked toward his chest. "Should I try to find us a towel."

"I'll use this," I said, grabbing my briefs.

I wiped his chest first.

"That's kind of hot," he said.

Then I used my underwear to wipe up as much cum as I could from my chest. I got most of it, but there was a tacky surface to some of my skin. I pressed my chest to his back and held us tight as we resumed a spooning position.

"Your cock is incredible, Lance," he said softly in the darkness.

"I like yours, too," I said reaching down to hold his adorable genitals. I kissed him on the back of the neck. "Good night. Again."

 

—

 

I awoke in his arms. I could hear Jakob lightly breathing behind me. He had morning wood; it was lightly prodding my butt cheek.

I wanted to lay there, being held. Once awake, however, I could only do it for a couple of minutes before I really needed to pee.

After being in the bathroom, I opened the door and saw Jakob had turned to face me.

"Good morning," I said.

"Good morning, gorgeous," he said back at me. "You look beautiful."

"Thanks," I said, sitting down by his side.

We gave a simple kiss.

"How do you feel?" I asked.

"You mean about last night?"

I nodded.

"Okay. I think. It's not wanting me to rush for a drink. That's for sure."

"Is there anything else?"

"I don't know if I could put it in words. But thanks for caring," he said, reaching for my hand.

I kissed him again and then stood up. My cock hung right above him. He took his finger and poked the head of it. I smiled.

"We have about 45 minutes. We can both shower," I said. "Um. If you want, you can join me. Only if you want. The invitation's there."

"I – I – I'm not sure I should," he said.

"That's fine," I said with no judgement in my voice. "I'll let you go first."

Jakob crawled out of bed and went into the bathroom. He closed the door most of the way, but not completely shut. I heard him take a leak and then start the shower. A minute later, I heard the shower door slide and then close. I wished I were in there with him.

I thought about what I had to get done at work. I placed some new workout clothes in a bag for the end of my shift.

"Lance!" I heard Jakob call out.

It startled me and I went into the bathroom.

"What?"

Jakob had the glass door slid open a couple feet.

"I've changed my mind."

I grabbed my towel and hooked it next to the shower. I stepped in and closed the door behind me.

"I'm glad you did," I said.

It was the first time I truly saw Jakob nude in full light.

"This is it," he said. "It's all I have. I'm sorry."

I leaned to kiss the tip of his cock. It was small. It didn't bother me at all. I kissed it again. I stood back up and looked into his eyes. He looked back at me. We smiled at each other.

We kissed. We kissed for a long time under the hot spray. His hands went down my back and cupped my cheeks. I pressed my cock into his navel. I wasn't hard, but soon would be with the affection being given. I felt his ass and gently let one of my fingers travel up the crevice between his cheeks. His tongue entered my mouth. I placed a hand behind his head and pushed our mouths even more firmly together. It was our most passionate kiss.

He pulled back. "We better slow down, or we're going to be late."

"Okay," I replied, not wanting to push things further than what he wanted.

We lathered each other up with soap, shampoo and gel. It was just the right amount of intimacy between us. Feeling each other's bodies in squeaky clean fashion. He didn't have a lot of self-esteem. Aside from him not having a big dick — and who cares — Jakob was trim and in good shape. I imagine doing so much walking and not having the money to buy junk food helped. I liked how he felt in my hands. I liked him, period.

We had been pretty hard from the kissing, but when we lathered each other's cock, they became steel beams. Fondling them caused us to kiss another minute, but we decided to end the shower. Unfortunately.

We got dressed and said "Good morning" to Evan.

Evan was polite. He didn't seem to have an unusual reaction to Jakob spending the night.

We engulfed some toast, an apple and some juice in mere minutes.

I got Jakob to the shelter in enough time for him to change and get to work.

"See you Wednesday, baby," I said. He kissed me getting out of the car.

I was actually early to my shift. I spent some time walking the track. Having just showered, I didn't want to work up a sweat. My thoughts were contentment as I continued my steps. Jakob and I had taken a bigger step.

 

—

 

"Hi, what a nice surprise! I'm glad you called," I said. "I'm at work, but that's okay. Is everything all right?"

"Yeah," Jakob said. "Um. I've thought about it a couple of days. I liked staying with you the other night."

"Me too."

"I'm kind of worried though. It was a big step. And there is that so-called advice hanging over us. I said the Serenity Prayer before bed last night. I'm thinking about what I'm in control of. Wisdom says to slow down." I could hear Jakob sniff in the phone. "I like you, Lance. I want us both to be good. I want us to be strong. Is that okay?"

"S – sure," I said. "I understand. Whatever is best for you. I get it."

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I was so swept up in it the other night. It felt so great, but ... for a moment it felt out of control when I got back. I just scared myself for a second. But, Lance. You're awesome. I told you I'm not boyfriend material. I hope you understand. I still ... need you. I'd like to still be ... us."

I sucked in a deep breath.

"Okay. I'm not going anywhere."

After hanging up, I wondered if he had gone through a temptation to drink. Fuck. Was I messing with him? I couldn't let him slip up. If we didn't have sex for a while, we didn't have sex. I could handle that. Right? Or could I? I was dying for us to get closer. But could I make myself go without?

 

—

 

I had my work done. I said hello to a few members as I walked down to the locker room. One of the ladies was someone I had not met. I introduced myself. I noticed the other two women smiling. I stiffened to make sure I looked professional and not like some young jock flirting. I was happy I remembered the other two ladies' names. I waved goodbye and walked on.

Two men were in the locker room as I changed. I remembered their names as Lucas and Arnold. We made simple small talk as I changed clothes. I thought I saw Lucas glancing at me. I could have imagined it.

Jakob's talk had me working off tension more so than usual. I increased the settings on most of the cardio machines I used in my routine. I was really working up a sweat. I grunted as my legs pushed on the heavier weight. I wanted nice abs again like when I was on the team, in addition to muscular legs. I used to just want to work off the extra pounds. Now I wanted to look good for Jakob. I paused a moment. Look good for Jakob, not Trent. Interesting. I pressed hard with my legs again, letting out a bluster.

To cool down, I began a walk around the indoor track. Ten laps was a mile. By the second lap, my thoughts returned to sex. Not having sex. Not having sex with Jakob. Not having sex with Jakob for how long ... forever?

Fuck. It was just what they warned us against. I needed to be strong. If my sobriety was going to last, I needed to be in control. I shouldn't tempt myself with triggers beyond my control.

I didn't often use the sauna, but I was already sweaty and felt a milkshake coming on. Maybe sweating off a few more calories would be good.

After five minutes into my time in the steamy room, my body just glistened with sweat. I didn't have chest hair, so my chest looked like a mannequin left in the rain. It was smooth and shiny.

Lucas walked in with a towel around his waist. I said hello. He complimented me on my interaction with the members. He said I was the first staff member to really put forth that effort. I thanked him.

For a couple of minutes, we both sat there, simply sweating. Sweat mixed with his body hair making him even more sexy.

"I heard one of the girls at the desk talk about you the other day," he said. "They thought you were handsome."

"Whatever."

"But one of them said you were gay. They didn't say that to me, of course; I just overheard as I walked by." I didn't reply. "Is that true?"

"Would it be a problem?" I said flatly.

"Not for me. Not at all."

Lucas was probably in his 40s. He was in good shape. If I recalled correctly, he had been a member for about seven years. His arms were nice, and his chest had a good amount of hair. I wished I had chest hair. His was now matted down in sweat. It was kind of sexy. Perspiration dripped from his head down to his shoulders and beefy chest.

Lucas got up and sat closer to me.

"I wouldn't be bothered at all. In fact, I've noticed you."

This was unexpected. I immediately felt like Lucas was going to hit on me.

"I'm sure someone with your ... um ... gifts ... is getting his fair share of ... action," he said with intentional inflection.

The truthful answer was no. Nor did it look like I would be getting anything anytime soon with Jakob.

"I'll just let my private life stay that way, Lucas."

"Sure."

A trickle of sweat dripped from my forehead. I felt it run down my nose. It clung to the tip before dropping down to my chest. It traveled down to my navel. I could feel it running down. More sweat ran down my chest. It dripped below my towel into my bush. I could sense Lucas looking at my body. I tried not to get hard.

"On my end, I seem to be at a slump," Lucas continued. "My last relationship ended a few weeks ago. Right now, I'm just not ... getting what I need."

"Oh. I'm sorry," I said emotionless.

"Well. If you're ever in a slump, I'm willing to help you out."

I was petrified. One of the members was hitting on me. He was twice my age. What was the professional thing to do? I struggled with my breathing. He was admittedly handsome. But it wasn't like I could just go somewhere and do something with this guy. Right?

"Very willing," Lucas said.

He removed his towel that had covered his waist. His cock bolted from his groin. It was about six inches with nice girth. A thick vein across the top was visible in the steamy air. As cocks go, it was pretty glorious. And hard. And enticing. And within reach.

"Lucas, someone could walk in. I think ..."

"The pool and upstairs are all women right now. I checked." He sounded sure. "I'm serious. If you need it, this is all yours," he said, using his crotch muscles to make his erection bob back and forth.

I was disgusted. And sort of hypnotized. It was a nice dick. He was a handsome man. He moved a few inches closer. Too close.

"I'm okay if you want to touch it." Our eyes looked at each other. "We're both hot."

It was free sex. Free gratification. Jakob had us in a holding pattern. I could ...

Jakob.

"Excuse me, Lucas. Kind offer. Thanks. But I wouldn't want to endanger my job."

I could tell he was about to say something in rebuttal, but I stood and started heading out of the sauna. I bunched my towel in front of my crotch. My cock was rigid and needed concealment.

In the shower I jerked my erection a minute or two. As the last bit of sweat felt like it had been rinsed from my body, all I thought about was Jakob. Lucas would have been considered more handsome, more endowed, more masculine than Jakob. But Lucas wasn't Jakob.

My Jakob.

I let cool water diminish my hard-on. When I re-entered the locker room, it was empty.

 

—

 

I had said goodnight to Evan and went into my bedroom.

Jakob called and said he wouldn't be able to be at the meeting tomorrow. That bummed me out. The fact that I felt attached to him ... was that a good thing or bad thing? I already missed him.

I sat up and pressed my forehead to my knees. My arms wrapped around my legs, and I curled into an egg, lost in thought. I whispered the Serenity Prayer.

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference."

I pulled off my briefs, threw them aside the bed and wished Jakob was lying next to me.

 

* * * *

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