Thank you for continuing with the story as Trent nears graduation.

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15

 

My 10 o'clock class ended early. I texted Lance.

"So, how did it go with Cole?" I asked.

"I'll call you in a few minutes," a text came a little later.

I wondered if this would be some kind of revelation. Would Lance finally come out to someone? He's played around with enough men. Had he sorted it out?

My cell phone rang.

"Hey, dude. How's your day?" I asked.

"Okay. It's going okay," Lance said, virtually emotionless.

"How's your butt?"

He chuckled. "I'm fine."

"So? What happened after I left?"

"Well, Cole went to see his girlfriend. He was gone for about an hour. I had no idea what I was going to say when he got back. He finally got back to the apartment, and I was sitting there — and I didn't have a beer, but I wanted one — and I just asked if he wanted to talk. He said he didn't have any questions. My life was my life, he said. So, I didn't really say anything."

"oh."

"You sound disappointed," Lance said.

"No. Cole seems very nice," I said.

"Yeah. He's a champ," Lance said with sincerity. "I'm going out with Lara tonight. That will help set him straight."

"Hmm."

I'm not sure why that pissed me off, but it did. Set what straight?? What was Lance trying to prove? At the same time, like Cole said, it's his life. It is not my place to tell him how to live it. Look at where I was for the past three years. Fine, whatever. And I had clearly told him that I couldn't give him what he wanted, so who was I to judge? It was his life. I just wanted him to be happy. Living on the down low, would he be? I mean ... we fucked, for heaven's sake. We made out. I do feel a little guilty about that, but ... his kneejerk reaction is to run to a girl??

"I guess I won't see you until I get back from home. Have a great weekend, buddy," he said.

"You too, Lance. Enjoy time with your parents."

"Umm ... it really was great last night," he said softly into the phone. "Thanks again."

He hung up.

Last night was really great. As much as it helped me make up my mind about Mike, I felt guilty for being with — fucking! — someone else. I totally had that out of my system, but did that make it right? The fact that Lance hadn't seemed to have changed an iota left me feeling weird too. I was emotionally blah.

 

April 30

I'm feeling a bit empty today. I'm not sure why. I studied already and found I had an extra hour or two of time. Lance was out on a date. Mike had texted me in the day that he'd be at another committee meeting of some sort tonight. How odd that I couldn't figure something to do. I wished I were near a piano.

When I was at the theater department the other night, I felt like trying to create a song, but that would have been nerve-wracking to the students there. Maybe I'll try to begin something tonight. I'm not sure how far I'll get, but I'll start.

 

I couldn't say I was too successful. I played with a strand of music in my head. I jotted the notes on paper, but I wasn't really getting anywhere with lyrics. My emotional blasé probably wasn't good inspiration for songwriting, nor was being teed off at Lance.

Before heading to bed, I called John. I hadn't checked on him in a while. It was good to hear he was almost completely recovered. He commented on how it was hard to miss the close of the basketball season. I felt that would have been tough after all the months he had put into. I was glad he was better.

He told me he heard about the altercation between Rich and me, but I made sure to let him know that we patched things up.

I chuckled when he said he had a friend he'd be willing to introduce me to if I was looking to meet someone. I thanked him for his offer but told him I was in a relationship. It was nice to hear him be so understanding. I wanted to tell him to introduce Lance, but that wasn't my place.

How foolish I was for not trusting my teammates earlier. I had been so scared. But then again, what if several of them had reacted like Rich. I would have given up all hope. It was scary. How nice to be past all that. I wish Lance could be.

 

—

 

After my last class Friday, I thought I'd go see Dr. Owens one last time. His receptionist waved me in.

"Trent, I'm glad to see you again," he said as I entered. "How are things going?"

"Good, I think. I'm not sure how the next two weeks will wrap up. In terms of the whole ... situation ... a few weeks ago, I think I'm dealing with it okay. I'm actually sorting through a lot of things. I feel good. Surprisingly, my biggest concern at the moment is dealing with a lack of responsibilities. Obviously, finals are the next two weeks — which I do take seriously — but as I've turned things in, having free time is a little more ... odd. It's like I've been go, go, go trying to get things done. Is wondering `Now what?' a common thing?"

"Probably," he answered. "A few students are lucky. They have jobs lined up and jump right into them. Others take some time. What are you hoping to do?"

"That's just it. I don't know. I will search for some jobs. I'd like to stay here. Where Mom and Dad moved is too small. I mean, Jackson Bend isn't huge, but if I can get my foot in the door with either communications or journalism, I'd be fine."

"Have you ever wanted to move elsewhere?"

"Not really," I said. I sat quiet for a moment. "It's not like I wouldn't move somewhere, but not just on a whim, not just blind. This is familiar. At least to get a start, I'm okay staying put."

"Can I ask about the person you're seeing? Will he be moving away now that college is about out?"

"Oh, no. He isn't a student. He lives here. And to be honest, Dr. Owens, he's kind of top of my list right now. I'm still sort of ... new ... to this, to seeing people. But I think both of us — I'm pretty sure he does — want to see where it goes. We love each other. That makes me want to stay."

"Sounds nice. At this point in your life, you don't have to rush anything. It is a lot of first steps." He paused. "So, are there several senior parties planned? Will you really celebrate these last two weeks?"

I looked out the window. To be honest, I had no idea.

"I'm not really a partier, I guess. If anything wild is happening, I'm apparently not invited," I said with a chuckle. "And actually, my best friend is drinking a lot. I'm trying to keep him away from that. I'm worried about him."

"Your concern sounds admirable. It's good to have a friend that has your back."

"I guess. What happens in two weeks? He'll be on his own. I'm worried that might cause him to spiral."

"Just make a point to stay in touch so he knows you are still there. You still care."

"I do."

I sat quietly.

"How are things with your parents?" he asked.

"Still fine. They're fine. Mom knows I'm gay. I still have to tell Dad. And I have no idea how. You know him well. What do you think?"

"My opinion isn't important. He loves you, of course. When you do make the decision to tell him — and for your own sake, I think you should — I recommend you give your father some time to process it. He might take longer than your mother. Just give him time."

"Yeah. After graduation, before I get serious about the job search thing, I was hoping to just chill for a few days. Just get away for a bit. Relax. Maybe that will be a good time to tell him."

"I've always offered your family our lake house if you ever wished to use it. Since you told me you're not a partier, I'd be willing to let you enjoy it for a few days. You've stayed there up on Lake Carpenter, right?"

"Yeah. It's pretty. I could ask my boyfriend if he'd like to go for a day or two. Is that fine?"

"Certainly. As long as there are no wild parties, your family has an open invitation."

"That's really kind."

We shared contact information. I told him I would let him know.

 

—

 

It was sinking in I wouldn't see most of these people for much longer. As much as I was ready for classes to be done, I wasn't ready for these friendships to end. I knew we'd all say we'd keep in touch, but how many people from high school have I actually stayed in touch with?

I was pleased Kevin and Paul were in the apartment. We went to dinner together, and I let them do most of the talking. I could tell they were relieved that I had improved since the Detrell incident. I wasn't super close to my roommates, but they were still solid chaps. I had no complaints about either of them. In my own way, I would miss them, too.

As I was finishing my meal, I noticed Tariq in the corner of the dining hall. He was alone. I made a point to talk to him following dinner. After I had gone to grab a slice of pie, he had left without me seeing him slip out. I wish I had noticed.

The three of us walked back to the apartment. We talked about how many cafeteria credits we had left to use before the end of the semester.

When we got back into the apartment, I pulled out the journal.

 

May 1

Just finished dinner with my roommates. I'm starting to realize how much I will miss these people. In two weeks, it will all be done. How weird will it be to say the final goodbye?

The world seems huge right now. Everyone I know here will scatter. And where do I fit into it all? What's my role? What do I contribute? What is life like in the real world?

Thankfully, I have Mike. Well, I hope I have Mike. We've seemed to weather this break well. If he knew about my night with Lance, how much would that change our relationship? I know he kind of figured I might (or should) "explore," but that would probably hurt him. I guess our real test happens after graduation when nothing stands in our way. He's my lifeline. Hopefully, I won't smother him in the process.

 

That was an early entry. I shut my journal and thought about ... life. It was still early in the evening. I'm sure Mike wouldn't mind if I stopped by, but I could wait two more weeks. Heaven knows I'd love to have sex with him. But we're almost to the end. I could make it. I could be strong.

Something occurred to me. I walked to Lance's apartment.

Cole answered the door. He let me in.

"Hey, Trent," Cole said. "Lance isn't here. He went home for the weekend."

"Yeah. I know. I actually came here to talk to Zach."

"Me?" Zach said from the other side of the room.

"Yeah. The other night you mentioned helping out some people who were affected by the storm. Do you need another hand with that tomorrow?"

Zach was taken aback. He looked at Cole and then back at me.

"Uhh. Yeah. Absolutely. I guess. I wasn't expecting that. Do you want to drive there or go with me?"

"Well, I can commit the morning and first half of the afternoon. I have two finals next week, so I was planning to study for one tomorrow night and the other on Sunday."

"Fine. Why not ride with me? I'll leave around 8:30 tomorrow morning."

"I'll meet you here."

I walked to the fridge and checked on that 12-pack of beer. It had been opened and five cans were gone. I looked at the guys.

"Did Lance drink all the beer from that box?"

His roommates looked at each other.

"All but one," said Cole.

I sighed. I scribbled my phone number on a slip of paper.

"Keep me in the loop if you see him drinking ... a lot."

They nodded. I said my goodbyes and headed out. I thought I'd walk to the park before heading back to the apartment. I noticed Tariq leaning against a tree. Again, alone. I walked over to him.

"Hey, Tariq, you okay?"

He bolted upright. I had startled him.

"Trent! Hey man, how are you? You doing okay?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm good. I've seen you sitting alone a couple times today. Are you okay?"

Tariq leaned back against the tree. He stared straight ahead. He didn't say anything. His breathing bordered between disappointment and seething.

"I'm ... not in a good place," he said.

"Hey, man," I started. I hesitated, but asked, "Do you want to talk about it?"

"You don't want to hear it," he said.

"Hey, I'm here, brother. Lay it on me."

"You know I'm seeing Amanda, right?"

"Yeah. I guess. I thought you two had been going out for ... about three months now??" I said sitting down next to him on the grass.

"Four actually. We really love each other."

"That's great. She's nice. Really pretty too."

"And white," Tariq said.

"I don't understand," I replied.

"We got talking about plans for the summer. I was planning on taking her home this weekend. My brother said, `Don't bring no white girl to our house.' I heard my dad in the background say, `That's right.' The whole thing is totally shitty."

"Man, I am so sorry. Tariq, I don't know what to say."

"Right there with you."

"But you love her, and she loves you, right? That's what's important."

Tariq sniffed. I didn't look, but he was probably tearing up.

"We are in love. But how do I move forward with her when I can't bring her into my family? This just sucks. I don't know what to do."

"I'm sorry. I can't imagine what that is like. At least yet. I haven't brought my boyfriend to my parents yet. They are going to freak."

"Why can't family just want us to be happy?" asked Tariq.

"I know. Can I see your phone?"

Tariq handed me his phone. I took a selfie and then put my contact info in his phone.

"I don't have answers, Tariq. But, if you need a friend to talk to, I'm here."

"Thanks, bro. I don't know how to pull myself out of this. I don't know where to turn. I just feel alone."

"It's a dark feeling. Just know that you aren't alone. Your teammates are here. Amanda is there. Keep her at the front of your thoughts. The darkness will pass, eventually, even if it takes a different place."

I put my hand on his knee. I'm not sure if that conveyed "I care," but I hoped it did. I invited Tariq to join me tomorrow in the aid efforts. After I explained the volunteer assistance further, he said he would do it. He thought it might help to work off some tension.

—

 

Tariq and I showed up at Lance's apartment at 8:20. Since I had invited Tariq, he and I decided to follow Zach. That freed up everyone's schedule.

As we drove, I asked Tariq how he was doing. He said he wasn't much better.

"Does it make you uncomfortable if I talk about something gay?" I asked him.

"Uhhh. I don't know. I guess it depends."

"Ha! Nothing detailed." I said. "But young gay teens are told `It gets better' when they struggle through adversity. I know you just turned 20. The next two years will be tough. But it is only a couple years. Then you have your own life. Right now, I haven't come out to my dad yet ..."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. I don't think he'll take it well. And I was hung up on that for years. I was a mess. It wasn't until I admitted I was gay and found someone who made me feel better that so much of that weight was lifted off. I'm better. I graduate in two weeks. If my father doesn't accept me, fuck him. I'll be on my own. That would suck, but it's his call, you know? I can only do what I can do. And I'm so happy that I found Mike."

"Do I know Mike?" he asked.

"No. He doesn't go to W. Travis. He's older."

"Sorry about your dad. I know that sucks."

"It does, but when the day comes that I tell him, I'll give him space. Whatever he needs. If he doesn't come around, then that's his burden. I won't carry it with me anymore. It's his."

Tariq kept driving. He didn't say anything.

"Have you met Amanda's family?" I asked.

"Ohhhh yeah. They are the total opposite of mine. They loved me from the beginning. The race difference didn't faze them. I was hugged by everyone when we left. They're awesome. So why does my family have to be the assholes?"

"Does Amanda know?"

"No. But I wouldn't be surprised if she suspects. I wish I could just have her meet Mom."

"Well, why don't you arrange that for a start?" I asked.

I could try, but it's 90 minutes away. How do I go that far and not do the whole family?"

"I wish I had answers, my friend. I really do. My point though was you can only take care of things you have control over. You may have to let your family deal with things the way they choose to."

"It's the brutal reality," he said. "You don't get to choose your family. You're stuck with the one you're born with."

We went silent for a couple minutes.

"Have you talked to Lance at all in the past couple days?" I asked.

"No. What's up?"

"Like you, I'm concerned with the amount of drinking. Hopefully, he'll be okay at home with his parents."

We pulled up to the affected homes. Two of them had obvious damage, but the third looked severe. The two of us wondered what we would possibly be able to accomplish. Zach walked us over to the other volunteers. We were given instructions. The three of us joined three others and we worked at carrying lumber. It looked like some construction workers were framing some walls. It seemed daunting to accomplish these tasks, but it was rewarding to be a part of this effort. Zach, Tariq and I pitched in, and soon a flow of teamwork materialized.

After a couple hours, framework was up at the two lesser damaged homes. We were energized by the success. Men were coming in to add drywall. I took a selfie of the three of us. Zach seemed pleased to be included in my shot.

"You're a really nice guy, Zach," I said.

"Thank you, Trent. I think you are nice too," he said. "I'm not sure what Lance thinks of me."

"Why do you say that?"

"I get the sense that he thinks I'm a religious nut."

"Well..." I started. "He is aware that you ... have a deep faith. But he does say nice things about you. He thinks you're a good guy."

"He does? Really? I can't say I have Lance figured out," Zach said.

"Join the club," I said back.

"He loves you, you know?" Zach said to me.

I stood wide eyed. What had Lance said to Zach? Why would Zach think that?

"Wha ... what?" I mumbled.

"He loves you. It's in his eyes. I can see it whenever the two of you are together."

"Well, we are best friends. So, yeah, I love him too."

"It's deeper for him. It's really not my place to say this, but please take care of him. I'm worried with how much he drinks."

"Yeah, Tariq and I are too."

"Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but ... Lance is fragile. At least right now." Zach paused.

"Keep going, Zach."

"You didn't know me two years ago. My spirit was crushed. My father left Mom and me when I was five. I have two older sisters. I could tell Mom felt stuck with us. She was dealt an unfair hand. It's understandable. But ..."

Zach paused. He took a deep breath.

"I didn't see love in my mother's eyes. She looked at us kids as obligations."

"Su ... surely not, Zach." I barely got the words out. "She has to love you. She's your mom."

"Maybe. Deep down, lost in there somewhere, maybe. We didn't feel it. I didn't feel loved my whole childhood. My sisters loved me, I suppose. I was completely adrift. I drank most of my freshman year in college. I had worked hard my junior and senior years in high school to earn a scholarship just so I could try my hardest to break free of my homelife. Then I got to W. Travis. I was directionless."

"Wow. Zach, I'm very sorry."

"Don't be. I was lucky. I found a couple friends who simply invited me to church with them. I thought, `What a total waste of time.' But I went once. I think I just enjoyed being some place uplifting. It was nice to be there with my friends. Then I saw efforts like what we're doing today, and I thought I was just wasting my life buried in self-pity. Now, I'm happy. My relationship with Mom is strained but okay. I have one year left, but I hope to be a youth counselor in some way following graduation."

"Man, I haven't been to church since grade school. My family ... just stopped going. I'm not sure why. This sounds so different than what I was picturing."

"Like a bunch of people singing and then sitting around judging people?"

We both laughed.

"Kind of. You're very nice, Zach." I smiled at him.

"You are too, Trent. But again, please, take care of Lance. His face, it's what mine used to look like, unless he's with you. I'm not sure where the current is going to take him. I see that feeling of emptiness like I had with my mother; he could really go off-track."

Tariq walked up. He was smiling.

"Thanks for letting me come," he said to Zach.

"No. Thanks for coming."

"I feel better. None of this solves any of my problems, but I feel better. I needed this."

I sent the selfie to Lance to say hello.

He replied with a thumbs up, but nothing more. Did he even know where we were? Odd.

I took a few more pictures of the work group. You could tell they were a mix. Some were clearly construction workers, others looked like typical dads, some were old enough to be retired. My gaydar went off on one gentleman. He looked back at me. Probably the same. We gave a look checking each other out. I loved his arms.

After six hours, what the group had accomplished was nothing short of extraordinary. So many people had pitched in that the accomplishments were clearly evident. The three families were watching from the street. The looks on their faces were heartwarming. Like Tariq, I needed this. It felt good to contribute.

One family had two children that clung to their parents as they saw their house slowly become what they remembered. Or more like it. The Asian couple came with bottled water and homemade lemonade for all the church workers. To my surprise, the last family were two dads with a small child. They formed an atypical interracial family. They ordered pizzas for us to have a slice or two around lunchtime. While I was not a member of Zach's church, this work gave me a sense of community. It felt good. I made a concentrated effort to remember this as I started my life ... somewhere.

"Zach, it's after 3:00. Tariq and I need to head out. I hope that's okay."

"Thank you for everything guys," Zach said, giving us both a hug. "You've been a great help. We've accomplished a lot. I think we'll wrap up here in about an hour, 5:00 at the latest. I want to make a point to invite you to join us each week for church service."

"That's kind," I said to Zach. "I ... I don't think I'm a good fit."

"All are welcome, Trent."

"Thanks. Zach, you're going to be a great youth counselor."

We finished our goodbyes, then Tariq and I drove back.

"That felt good," he said. "I'm glad you asked me to come," he said.

"I enjoyed spending time with you, too," I said. "I'll miss you when school is out. Man. I'll miss the whole team."

"Maybe we should get together over the summer."

"I'm in," I responded.

 

May 2

This afternoon was awesome. I spent some quality time with Zach and Tariq, and it was enjoyable to get to know them better. It's funny how we all have our own demons to face. But I also felt like more of an adult. Whenever, wherever I get a job, I need to make sure to be a part of the community. This feeling is good. I need to make time for efforts like this.

Hearing the guys tell me about their lives made an impact. They hit me deep. Both of them have a lot to deal with. I'm making some notes in the back of this journal. It might spur me to do something for The Showcase.

 

I called Mike before going to bed. He was proud of me for what I had done. That felt good. I asked him if the lake house seemed like something he would be willing to do. We agreed to go after graduation.

Kevin and Paul were out. Mike and I undressed and talked to each other with provocative phrases. We got each other hard. We continued to verbally arouse each other until we both had cum on our chests.

"I love you," we both said at the same time before hanging up.

 

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