17

 

Friday arrived. All classes were done. All exams were taken. All results were given. I had used all my credits in the cafeteria. It's all over. Graduation was tomorrow.

 

May 15

I'm overjoyed. I was worried about missing everyone. And while I will have to deal with that, today it all seems to be just ... incredible. I'm thrilled, delighted ... and almost in disbelief that it is actually over.

All I have left to do is graduate. I guess after the ceremony it will feel more final. I'm not sure if I feel like ... an actual adult. I mean, I'm 22. I am. I'm having serious sex. I'm in an adult relationship. Now it is time to actually face the real world. The big, scary, terrifying real world.

Where do I start?

 

I met Lance that night. When I arrived, we both decided we wanted Chinese. It was only 6 o'clock, but I couldn't help but notice I could smell beer on him.

I said my hellos to Zach and Cole. The four of us went out to dinner.

Zach still had a year to go, but the other three of us were elated. Lance ordered another beer. Zach mentioned he had had some at home, why not slow down. I'm glad he stepped in, so it didn't have to be me. Lance cancelled the order. Lance and Cole both shared post-graduation plans. I still had none.

"I'm going to miss you guys," Zach said.

"Thanks," Cole and Lance said in unison.

"I'm glad you were my roommates. I learned a lot from you," Zach said.

"Really?" said Lance. "I figured you tolerated me at most."

"Don't be hard on yourself. You're a good man. It's in there; I see it."

"And here I thought you didn't like me at all."

"I'm sorry you felt that way, Lance. I like you just fine. I will miss you very much."

Zach got up to go to the bathroom.

"I'm sorry, Cole, but I have to ask. It's my last chance. Did you ever tell Zach you came home and found Lance and me in the shower?" I asked.

"Why are you bringing that up?" Lance asked.

"Are you kidding!? Tell Mr. Church!? No way," Cole answered.

"He's very nice, you know," I said.

"Yes, he is," both Lance and Cole replied.

"Please change the subject," Lance said uncomfortably.

"With the two dicks you guys have, I can only imagine how incredible it was," Cole smiled.

"Size doesn't really matter," I said.

"Can we PLEASE change the subject," Lance moaned.

Zach returned. Cole and I had a humorous smirk on our faces.

Upon our return to the apartment, I watched Cole and Zach start to pack up. Lance popped a beer.

"I guess I'll start packing tonight as well," I said. "I can probably finish in the morning. But I guess I should start."

I heard Lance suppress a gasp of air. He took another drink. The other two excused themselves to the bedroom for further packing.

"You okay?" I asked Lance.

"No," he said almost tearfully.

"What is it?" I asked softly.

"Not here. Can we go for a walk?"

"Yeah. Sure."

I ducked my head in to say goodbye to Lance's roommates and wished them well. Lance grabbed another beer while I did so, and then we left the apartment for a walk. We got to a quiet place in the park.

"Spill," I said, sitting down. "What's going on?"

"I can't say goodbye to you," he said.

"What do you mean? We'll see each other tomorrow."

"And THEN what!!!?" he screamed.

"Oh. Uh. Well. Buddy, we won't be far from each other. We're bound to get together every now and then."

"What if we don't??" he said, starting to sob. "What if we don't? I don't want to say goodbye."

Lance buried his face into my shoulder. He started crying.

"Buddy, buddy, buddy. You're letting your fears run away with you. We're always going to be friends."

"I love you, Trent. I can't say goodbye," he said mixed with tears.

"I think a lot of this is the beer talking," I said. "You're getting worked up when you don't need to be."

Lance slouched over and put his head in my lap. Part of his beer spilled. I put my hand on his shoulder. I stroked his arm.

"I've been scared about this for weeks. I don't want to lose you. How will I get another best friend like you?"

"You're not losing me. We'll keep in touch. As we begin our careers, we're bound to meet new people and have different social circles. I'm sure you'll make great new friends."

"They won't be you. You and Mike will have your lives and I'll have ... nothing."

"Again, beer talking."

He turned on his back, still resting his head on my leg.

"I watched you and Mike last week. You two have everything. You're everything I want, Trent. I wish you were starting your life with me."

"That's ... sweet, buddy. But ... we can't. I'm committed to Mike."

"I know. I just wish we could have ... started our friendship a year or two ago."

"Would you be willing to admit you're gay then? Could you kiss me in front of friends?"

He paused. "I don't know. Just saying the word `gay' terrifies me. I just know I love you."

"Lance ..."

"And don't think I'm talking about sex. I'm not. Granted, I'm dying to take your cock out and suck it like there's no tomorrow, but I'm ... not talking about that. I just love our time together. I love you."

I hesitated on how to approach this.

"I know. How many friends — guy friends — can really say that to each other. I'm closer to you than any friend I've ever had. I love you too. But, you know, I'm IN love with Mike."

"I know, which means I have to say goodbye, one way or another."

We sat there as the last glimmer of twilight faded into darkness. Lance grabbed my hand. Neither of us said anything. We sat for 10 minutes in silence.

"Lance, I'm going to say something. I am saying this because ... you are my best friend. I do love you. I'm worried about your drinking. It's not like college partying. I just see you doing it a lot. I'm worried about you, buddy."

"Don't. I'm just down."

"Drinking doesn't solve anything."

"I know."

He squeezed my hand harder.

"Thanks for worrying about me."

He got up, and we walked back to the apartment. I hugged him goodnight. He didn't let me go. He pushed his crotch into mine. His dick was steel. I could tell.

"I've been hard since my head was in your lap," he whispered into my ear. I could smell so much beer on his breath. "No one makes me harder than you."

"Good night, Lance," I said, pulling myself from him.

 

May 15, Part 2

Okay, now I'm super worried about Lance. He says not to be, but there are too many signs that are sending up flares. The drinking. His feelings for me are too deep. He's living in denial. He seems lost as we all leave the university. What if he can't handle it all? I don't think ... I can't even write it. Hopefully he won't harm himself. He just seems to be in a fragile state.

He's scaring me like never before.

 

—

 

It was graduation day. Hallelujah!

I had spent an hour getting everything packed. Once graduation was over, I was heading home for the party, and I needed to have everything out of the apartment. It was the final move. I had everything in the car by 11:00.

Mom and Dad arrived just before noon. I asked Lance if he'd like to join us for lunch. He said he would, but his parents would be coming eventually, so he couldn't stay long. I invited them along. He checked with them, and they agreed.

I introduced Lance to the folks at Gracie's Garden. Mom loved salads. It seemed like a good choice for parents.

Dad initiated conversation with Lance easily. Having attended a few games, he commented on what a great player Lance was. It fed Lance's ego enormously. Lance bragged on me about my performance in some of the later games. Dad looked at me.

"Good boy," he said.

That was probably about as much enthusiastic praise as I should expect.

Lance's parents entered, and we waved them to the table. Everyone was all smiles. Lance introduced me as his best friend. His father looked at me intently. Nothing too odd, but it was noticeable.

"Lance speaks highly of you," Mr. Wheeling said. "It's nice to meet you in person, Trent. I think I've seen you at the two games I was able to come see."

"We've only had soup so far. Let's all go through the salad line," Mom said.

We all built elaborate salads from the buffet, and the two mothers immediately formed their own conversations. The "men" talked sports.

The conversation turned toward the future, and Dad asked Lance about his plans. Having a management job already lined up sounded so forward-thinking. I, on the other hand, tried hard to sound like I knew what I was doing.

"I've got resumes ready to go. I want to stay in this area probably." I looked at Mom and Dad to gauge their reaction. "There just seems to be more ... opportunity here. I'll take a week to unwind and then begin setting up some concrete interviews."

That sounded like I had things well in hand. I hoped. I knew it was wishful thinking to a certain degree.

We knew we had to get ready for the ceremony. I felt Lance put his foot on top of mine. It didn't mean anything yet meant a million things. Once lunch was wrapped up, we all got up and headed to the apartments to get dressed.

Palmer Hall was huge. The stands were expected to be fairly full, but the event wasn't restricted. Anyone could come.

I looked for friends to visit with a bit. It was frustrating to sit alphabetically, but it made logical sense. I just wanted to sit with people I really knew.

As I was looking for friends, I turned to see Mike coming up to me. My eyes got wide.

"You're here?"

"Where else would I be today? I'm so happy for you."

We hugged. Before we could say much more, Mom and Dad walked up.

"Professor Terry! How nice to see you," Dad said.

"Did you come just for Trent?" Mom asked.

"Well, kind of, but I have two other former students graduating as well."

"Aren't you nice! And so dressed up too. You look very handsome, Mr. Terry."

"Please, call me Mike," he awkwardly said.

I could tell Mike didn't want to be in this conversation.

"Oh! Would you like to sit with us? That would be lovely."

"Uh. I ... I guess I could."

Mike looked like he was being skewered on a rotisserie, slowly being grilled with kindness. I had to conceal a slight smile.

"Mr. Ter ... Mike, we are having a party for Trent afterward if you'd like to come."

I panicked.

"Wha ... what??" I said, grasping for something to say. "Mom, I'm sure Mi ... Mr. Terry ... Mike doesn't want to drive an hour over to Toomerville for my party."

The tables were turned and now Mike gave me an evil smile seeing me flounder at mixing all of us together.

"Well, I suppose that's true. But you'd be certainly welcome."

People started to fill in, so they headed into the stands to take their seats. I saw Mike on his phone.

"Wasn't that all sorts of fun," Mike had texted. He added a smiley emoji.

They waved to me when they found their seats. I saw Mike shortly get up and visit with two more students near the front. They were both girls, and each hugged him. I guess I didn't know who they were. After a few minutes, he returned to sit with my parents.

The ceremony was okay I suppose. Did any students ever really listen to the keynote address? They just want to get it over with. Our speaker was fine. As he was talking, I thought I could rework part of his speech to make it more interesting. Maybe I should become a speech writer.

When it came time to cross the stage, I just prayed someone would clap for my name. I'd be mortified if no one did. I was sure that was a fear of everyone who approached the stage. As I heard Kyriazi called, I was relieved to hear a few shouts. I could pinpoint Mike and my parents. >From the student body there were some whoops. Several of my teammates called out. Above everyone else, I heard Lance. He was cheering the loudest.

 

—

 

Typically, I wouldn't like a fuss made over me, but I felt this party was a good occasion to visit with some people. Many relatives had been invited, but I had been able to convince a few friends to drive over too. Kevin was a junior, so both Paul and I invited him to a party, but it was nice that he chose this party. Being honest, I was kind of on his way home, so I shouldn't feel too victorious over that. Tariq came and brought Amanda, Matt and Ali came, but had a big shindig at Ali's parents later in the evening. Avery and Aram didn't have family close by, so I was glad that they could come. But most everybody had their own celebrations or were just heading home.

Mom did a great job with appetizers and refreshments. Once we thought just about everyone had arrived, she brought out a few bottles of champagne. Everyone was given a disposable glass — well, nice plastic at least — poured with bubbly sparkles. Once everyone had one in hand, Dad held up a glass to make a toast.

"To Trent, and to all his fellow friends graduating, we are proud of you, happy for you, and excited for you. May the future bring you all the success you deserve, but also give you challenges so that you always have new greatness to aspire to. Cheers."

"Cheers," the crowd echoed.

"Love you, Trent," Dad said.

I appreciated the toast. For my father, that was almost emotional.

Soon, Matt and Ali had to depart for their own celebration.

"Keep me in the loop on the wedding stuff," I said. "I'm so glad you guys could come. People say this all the time, but I want us to mean it. Let's do lunch, let's get together, let's ... stay in touch. Love you guys. Hugs to your folks, Ali."

"We love you too," they both said.

"Good luck with Mike," Matt said softly. "Do your parents know yet?"

"No. Well, I came out to Mom, you know. Dad still doesn't even know that. But we haven't discussed Mike as the lucky winner yet."

"Okay. I just saw him sitting with them and wondered."

"OMG! I know, right! I'm sure he was dying. Bless his heart."

They said their goodbyes to my parents, and I saw them to the door. As they pulled out, I saw Lance's car pull in. I waited. He walked up and looked me in the face.

"I can't do this inside, so since you've given me the opportunity ..."

Lance hugged me in the tightest bear hug he's ever given. He squeezed me harder. I detected a slight scent of beer.

"Please don't let this be the last time we see each other. Don't let tonight be goodbye, Trent."

"Never," I told him. "You are my best friend. That won't change."

Lance came in. Aram and Avery didn't know a lot of people, so I made sure to bring Lance to them. We visited awhile. I saw Kevin visiting with my parents. I went over to join that conversation.

"I was telling your parents that you were a very kind and considerate roommate and that they did a great job raising you," Kevin said.

"Oh yeah, I still owe you the 20 bucks for doing that. I'll pay you on the way out," I replied.

"Oh you," Mom said, slapping my chest with the back of her hand.

Kevin and I reminisced some more humous stories. Thankfully, he avoided the one of walking in on me and Mike in bed. I'll miss Kevin. I wasn't as close to my roommates as my basketball teammates, but he was a good guy. I was fortunate to have two good roommates this year.

I had Mom tell me which relatives had dropped a gift of some kind. I tried to talk to everyone but particularly thanked those aunts and uncles for coming. Both my grandmothers were there. They beamed with pride.

Eventually, people started filtering out. People milled about a bit outside in the driveway and street. Social occasions are a blessing. I made a mental note to make sure I included lots of people in my life moving forward. People were important. Thanking my friends for coming, I knew it was unavoidable that I wouldn't see some of them ever again, but I promised to email. Lance stood to the side. I walked over to him.

"I would do anything to kiss you right now," he said in his softest voice.

"You're not that brave."

"You'd die if I did."

"We both would."

He went silent for a moment.

"Trent, I ..."

"I love you too, Lance."

He smiled and headed toward his car.

 

—

 

I sat at the table looking at the random gifts people had brought. Most of them were cards with a check or money in them. I started making a list so that I could thank everyone appropriately.

Mom came in and sat with me.

"These are very sweet people," she said.

"Yes, they are. I feel guilty for accepting some of these. Aunt Ruth gave me a really large check. On Monday I will go buy a set of thank you notes and reply right away."

"That's my kind boy," Mom said. "You make me proud."

I stared at an envelope from Dr. Owens. He had not been at the party.

"Was this mailed?" I asked.

"Oh, no. Robert dropped it by earlier in the week. He and your father went golfing."

"Really? Hmm."

Was there something beyond that? Had he told Dad anything? I was sure he didn't betray my confidence. I planned to call him next week. I had to confirm I wanted the lake house anyway.

"Dr. Owens ... Robert ... offered me his family's lake house for a ... graduation gift. I guess. I think I'm going to take him up on it. I'll take a friend and just chill for a couple days."

"Would that friend be Professor Terry?"

I sat up straight. That was out of the blue!

"What?"

"Trent, is the person you're seeing Professor Terry?"

Gobsmacked! How did she know!? What would he have said? How was I to handle this? I took a deep breath. There was no backing out of it. And damn it, I didn't want to.

"Yes, Mom. He and I are seeing each other."

"I see." She was quiet, probably wanting me to continue. "How did all of this come about? Did he ... approach you? How long has this been going on?"

"Don't let your imagination get the better of you. It was all me. I was struggling. I was a mess. I was at the end of my rope. I ... I didn't really know where to turn. I felt alone, and I didn't think I could talk to anyone. When we held the Thursday-afternoon practices at the high school, I stopped into Mike's room to talk to him. In high school, he was a calming part of my day. I was going through ... stuff ... and he was someone who was kind and showed me respect. I just needed someone to talk to."

"Talk."

"Yes, talk. He told me I could confide in him, and I did. We got to know each other, and we ... developed feelings for each other. I love him, Mom. And yes, there is an age difference. We know, we get it. It bothered him too. We decided to wait until after graduation to pick things up. I'd be out in the `real world,'" I said using finger quotes. "Don't be freaked. Are you freaked out?"

"To be honest, it's unexpected. I was picturing you with someone ... your age. This seems unusual."

"Why? You like him!"

"I like him as your former teacher. That doesn't seem strange to you?"

"Again, we waited until I was out of school. We don't want the teacher/student thing to ... be a thing. We're just two adults."

She sat in a glaze. Her head turned toward the bedroom. I knew she was thinking Dad would never understand.

"He didn't pressure you into anything?"

"Good grief, no. I actually probably came on strong to him. He was worried about the age thing too, but ... we fell in love. I love him, Mom. He loves me. We're a great couple. My friends are happy for us. I hope you can be too."

"It's ... going to take some getting used to. I'm just not sure, honey."

The silence got awkward.

"Did Mike say something to you at the ceremony?" I quietly asked.

"No. As we sat there, I realized he was wearing the same shirt you wore to the play. I looked at the sleeve, remembering I liked this color. When I saw the stitching, I remembered you wearing it."

"Oh. Yeah. He loaned that to me that night. We went out some place nice to eat."

"So," Mom continued, "When I realized that, my mind starting asking questions. I started putting pieces of the puzzle together. The play, the journal, your father had mentioned seeing him at one of your games, and then he came to your graduation. I formed my suspicions. Then he gave you a really long hug at the end. The way you two held each other ... I don't know. I just thought I'd ask."

I grabbed Mom's hand.

"Please don't freak out. I'm happy. He makes me happy, Mom. Don't you want me to be happy? I'm HAPPY with Mike. Now that school is over, we can pick up again. It's been a couple months since we put things on hold. And it was like a test. He wanted to make sure I had time to know if this is what I really wanted. He gave me space. And I know. I truly know. I'm in love with him. Okay?"

"Be careful, son."

She got up and headed to bed. I went to the bedroom to pull the journal out of one of the boxes I had packed.

 

May 16

I feel like I've been hit by a truck. I was so thrilled that graduation had finally come. The party was awesome. Today was great. Was.

Mom figured out Mike was my boyfriend. She doesn't like the idea. I hope she'll come around. I need her to be happy for us. If she can't be, Dad has no chance. I was so scared they would find out. Now that she knows, I'm scared that she won't accept us.

But I'm not going to let this sway me. Mike and I are going to be together. We were meant to be.

Wow. I hope we are. What if he isn't willing to put up with this shit? What if he realizes I'm still a kid whose parents don't approve of what he's doing?

Fuck that. I'm a man. I will soon be on my own. This is my decision. This is my life. MY LIFE. I hope they can come around. But if they can't, it's just like I told Tariq, it's their issue. I'm not taking on their problems. Not when Mike makes me so happy.

 

Despite Mom, I was happy. And scared. I wished Mike was in the bed with me, holding me in his arms. I would feel safe that way. It's all now finished. He and I can become a real couple again. In a full-fledged relationship. If I hadn't messed it up. I had to come clean first, or my mind would never be right. I hoped he would understand, but I wasn't 100 percent sure.

If everything worked out for us, I'd soon have his wonderful body wrapped around mine. Naked. Hard. Hot.

I thought about Mike for several minutes. I didn't expect to fall asleep quickly, but thoughts of him reassured me. I drifted off with my hand around my erection.