7

 

During the entire morning, I was a nervous wreck. I was determined to not be a coward. I was not going to back out with my mother.

As I had breakfast, my hands were almost shaking. I was surprised I could eat as my stomach was twisted in knots.

I heard my phone buzz. It was a text from Matt and Ali.

"Heard you were a superstar last night. Way to go! It is a total shame that the playoffs were a hair out of reach. You should be proud that you ended the season with a crowning achievement."

That hint of normalcy helped. I sent them a reply of thanks.

I was hoping to study a bit, but that wasn't going to happen. I texted Lance.

"I'm scared."

"Don't be," he texted back immediately. "She loves you. She always will. You're still the same person. You're still her son."

"I hope."

"It will be over in a few hours, and then this will all be behind you. You won't have to hide."

I ran for about 45 minutes to help reduce the tension. It helped momentarily. I showered, and that helped a little too.

I couldn't eat lunch. I was way too nervous to put anything in my stomach. Mom texted me that she'd meet me at Java the Hutt at 2. I got there at about 1:45 to get an outdoor table.

It was beautiful out. Spring was awesome. It was my favorite season.

I saw her car pull up. My heart was pounding. I thought it was going to burst out of my chest just so it could run away.

I waved as she walked up. No one was at the table next to us, so we would be able to talk privately. Damn it, that could have been an excuse to back out. She walked up, and I stood to give her a hug.

"This is so nice," she said to me. "A beautiful day and a chance just to spend time with my son. I love it."

"I'm glad you came."

"How are your classes going?" she asked.

"First, what do you want to drink?"

"Oh. You know, it is fairly warm. Instead of coffee, I think I'll have a raspberry iced tea. But let me get it."

"Mom, I asked you here."

"I know, but how often does a mother get to treat her college son?"

"You're sweet, but I'll get it."

A few minutes later, I emerged from the coffee shop with our drinks. I decided to join her with the raspberry tea.

"Trent! You were the man last night!!" said one of my teammates passing by to head inside.

"Thanks, Mason. Mason, this is my mom."

"Hello, Mrs. Kyriazi. Your son was on fire last night."

"Oh??" she asked.

"We won our game thanks to Trent. It was his best game ever."

"But sadly, we didn't make the playoffs," I told her.

"Your father told me that this morning. I'm sorry boys."

"We were close," said Mason. "Well, nice to meet you."

Mason went inside. The two of us just sat quietly basking in the sunshine. I debated how long to wait until I told her. My pulse started to jackhammer.

"Are your classes going well?" she asked.

"Kind of. Half are fine, and half are killing me. Brutal tests and research papers and projects. The last six weeks will be tough, but I'm ready to check them off."

"You'll do well, dear."

We sipped on our tea. I needed to do it. I needed to tell her. Do it, Trent. Now!

"Mom, I wanted to see you this afternoon so that I could tell you something."

"What is it, dear?"

I paused. But it was too late now. I started it.

"I have wanted to tell you this for some time. I hope it doesn't come as a big shock."

I took a deep breath as she looked at me intently.

"I don't want to hide. I don't want lie. I just want to be honest." I took another breath. "Mom, I'm gay. I've known for a while, and I have admitted it to myself in the past weeks. I felt you should know."

"How are you so sure?" she asked.

"I'm very sure. You just know. I'm gay. And ... the few friends I've told have been very supportive."

As hard as that was, once it was out, I could breathe. It was like a downdraft of oxygen. I'd done it.

"Okay. It's a little bit to process," she said.

"Are you surprised?" I asked her.

"Oh, I don't know. I suppose at some point a parent asks that question. You haven't dated much, so it may have crossed my mind, but ... I'm a little surprised."

"Are you disappointed?"

"No, honey. It's unexpected, but you're still my boy."

"Right. Nothing's different at all. I'm still the same person you know. You just know the full truth now."

We both sipped our tea for a couple minutes.

"Do you want me to tell your father?" she asked.

"No!" I immediately responded. "I don't think Dad will take it well. I'd prefer to do it on my own. In my own time."

"Okay," she said quietly.

"I don't want you to have to bear this secret for long. There's no reason he should ask, so ... just let me do it. I probably will talk to him after graduation."

"I'm pleased you feel you can come to me," she said.

After that, we changed the subject. Matt and Ali's wedding, my research paper, how long this coffee bar had been there ... minor chitchat, but the pressure was off. I was breathing again. We visited for almost an hour.

Finally, she got up. We hugged goodbye. I wasn't sure what she was thinking. I didn't know how she felt. She didn't seem angry. She wasn't upset. I just figured she needed time to let things sink in. She grabbed my hand.

"I'm glad you told me, Trent. You don't have to be afraid to be honest with me. I'm your mother."

"I know," I said and hugged her again.

We waved goodbye to each other.

God!! Thank God that was over! I started walking to the apartment. The conversation was behind me. It was totally, completely behind me. What a weight lifted off. I know Dad will be tremendously harder. But this was done. I did it.

Later that afternoon I got a text from Lance.

"Well?"

"I did it," I texted back. "It's over."

"You OK?"

"Yeah."

"Need to talk?"

"Can we do dinner? Maybe just order a pizza?"

"You bet."

 

—

 

Two hours later, I was at Lance's apartment. One of his roommates was there. We briefly talked basketball stuff, and then his roommate headed out to meet his girlfriend.

"He's kind of cute," I said.

"Yeah. I like Cole. He's nice."

"Are you open with your roommates like you are with me?" I asked.

"Hell, no!" Lance shook his head. "Zach is super religious, so you can't even say the word `sex' around him." He chuckled. "I'm sure he thinks my dick itself is a sin."

"How often do they see you naked?"

"Eh, several times a week. I come from the shower to the bedroom to get dressed. I don't care."

I laughed. "You're not known for your shyness."

He chuckled.

"Do either of them know ... " I started.

" ... about ... like us?" he finished.

"Yeah."

"Hell, no. Zach would freak. I don't know what Cole would think. He likes me. I mean ... as a friend. He's jealous of my cock."

I laughed out loud — really loud!

"Who isn't?!" I said in my laughter. "So how do you know?"

"Oh, he says it all the time. `There's that dick, you lucky bastard' — every time I walk by him naked."

"You're mean. How dare you flaunt that huge schlong in front of everybody."

"I do feel a bit bad. Cole is a great catch for any girl. He's really nice, cute ... but not much of a package. Not that I've seen him hard or anything. Not that it should really matter, I guess."

"And I'm sure you've never seen Zach at all."

"Ohhhh no! He comes out of the bathroom fully dressed. But, you know, that's how he was raised. I have no problems with people who embrace faith. He's super polite and very friendly. I shouldn't give the impression that I don't like him. I do. He is who is."

"As are we all," I agreed.

"So, tell me about the talk with your mom!" Lance insisted.

I went through every detail, down to my heartrate. When I mentioned Mason, we both at the same time said, "cute dick" and then "jinx." I told him how much better I felt. Really better. Lance listened earnestly and didn't interrupt. For weeks, I thought he was just kind of stuck on himself. With that dick who could blame him, but there was more to Lance. He was turning out to be a good friend.

"I'm not sure how it will go with Dad," I concluded. "But I have one out of the way, so I'll go with that."

Lance got up off the couch. "Pizza?"

"Yeah. Hey, Lance. Thanks for listening. It's nice having a friend I can talk with."

He walked back over to me behind the couch. "You're welcome, Trent." And then he leaned down and kissed me.

"Stop that!" I snapped. "You know I'm with Mike."

His eyes got a sarcastic glare. "Do you see Mike here? Was Mike listening to you open your heart up?" he said with arms waving to the empty room. "You know the two of us could be more. Any time you want."

We discussed pizza toppings to change the subject. Lance called in the order.

We discussed the teams in the playoffs until the pizza arrived. As we removed our first slices onto plates, Lance initiated a sex conversation.

"When was the last time you and Mike had sex?" he asked popping open a beer.

"Before spring break. We moved so fast. I was just coming out, and we just rushed into sex immediately. Well, hello? You were there our first time."

"That was the first? Beer?" he said tilting his can to me?

"Nah. I'll get a Diet Coke."

"Not in our fridge you won't."

"Ice water it is then. Yeah, I was just wanting to talk to someone. I was a mess, Lance. I had my subtle suspicions about Mike from when I was in his class ..."

"I still can't believe you fucked a teacher," Lance interjected.

"Yeah, yeah. Former teacher," I said. "We're now both adults."

"Go on," he said before snarfing down a big bite of pepperoni and mushroom thin crust.

"I was afraid. I was scared of who I thought I was. I put it off for so long. I just tried to ..."

"Denial?"

"Yes, exactly. Then, it just got worse."

"Man, I wish you would have come to me," Lance said.

"You were part of the problem!"

"What!! Me? Why?"

"Taking showers with you and Aram and Avery and John. I just ... wanted men. It was such an internal struggle to want to stare at you guys as you showered, but it would get me so hard. Just saying it now makes me hard."

"Oh?"

"Stop. Anyway. But I felt safe talking to Mike. I don't know. He was older, wiser. He always calmed me when I had tough times in high school."

"He's pretty great, I must admit," Lance said.

"Thanks. But we did approach it all wrong. It was too fast and crazy sex all the time. The next time we did it after that shower with you ... I was a lunatic. I all but mauled him in his car — while he was driving. I wanted to be so forward and confident and sexy. I'm sure I came off as a freak. But we were so hot. It just happened. We did it in reverse. We started with the sex and then we got to know each other as people."

"Why is that the wrong order?" Lance asked.

"Don't you think you should care about the person first?"

Lance gulped the last of his beer and got up to get another.

"I dunno. If you want sex, have sex."

"Is that all it is to you? It doesn't mean anything?"

Lance was silent, then the can of beer could be heard being popped open.

"Think of when you fucked me in the shower," he said. "I still can't believe that was your first time with anyone!"

"Well, not anyone, but that's a story for another time."

"Oh? Anyway ... you seemed to enjoy fucking me in the shower. Is it different with Mike?"

"Oh yeah! In the beginning it just felt good. I don't know ... lust, passion. Now, we love each other. It's romantic, it's loving ... it's hotter than ever. It means something."

"Wow," Lance said, reflecting on my words. "Then, if you two love each other, why are you on this break?"

"Lots of reasons, I guess. Mike's right. He saw me freak in his house about being overwhelmed at school. Both of us kept concealing the teacher/student dynamic. Even though that was in the past, while I am still IN school, it was just slightly weird. He was also worried that he was my first love and that I may eventually feel like I got left out not ... I don't know ... playing the field."

"What if he's right?"

"That's his point. If he is going to fall in love with someone, he wants to make sure it is the real deal. He gave me some time."

"Soooo ... if it were to help Mike and everything ... do you want to see if maybe your ass can take my cock?"

He was playfully sarcastic, but I knew Lance meant it.

"Good grief, Lance. You're insatiable. And terrible."

"Eh, I'm sure I can find some girl to fuck tonight. I think several have heard. They're intrigued."

"Yeah," I said sarcastically. "That's a good reason to have sex with someone."

"If it feels good ..." Lance said in a casual way.

We finished the pizza, and I knew I should attempt to get a few things done for class tomorrow. I headed toward the door but circled back to give Lance a hug. We held each other.

"Thanks for being here. You're a good friend," I said while wrapped in his arms. "If we had become friends under different circumstances, who knows ... But I love Mike. I do. I'm committed to being strong."

"I know. But, Trent, always know, you're a catch. A huge catch. And congratulations on telling your mom."

"Thanks." I wanted to give him a kiss, but I knew it would have been misinterpreted.

"But just think of the all the wild sex we would have had if the two of us had been assigned as roommates," Lance said with a smile as we pulled apart.

"See ya, Lance," I said rolling my eyes, opening the door.

I got a few feet out the door.

"Hey, Trent," he called.

"Yeah?"

"Mike's a lucky guy. You both are."

I winked at him and walked away.

 

—

 

I actually got an hour of reading in for my 10:00 class. Dry stuff, but at least I could pay attention now.

Had it been daylight, I probably would have gone for another run. I thought I would make a simple walk around campus to enjoy the night air.

Many of the trees were leafing out. I loved spring. The night air had just the right amount of coolness to it.

My phone buzzed. I was surprised to see it was Mom.

"Thanks for meeting me today. It was nice to see you, dear."

"Thanks, Mom. Love you."

It was nice of her to text. I noticed she didn't say she loved me. Nor did she when she left. I was probably reading too much into that. I knew she loved me. But those were the weird fears you worry about. No matter what, she has to process things, so giving her space was the best thing I could do.

The recreation area was fairly busy for Sunday night. The eateries and coffee shops seemed to have lots of people hanging out. I stopped and grabbed a fruit smoothie as reward for my courage today. As I sat to relax, I noticed Lance sitting with a girl over at the bistro. He didn't see me. It's amazing how fast he picked up a date. With a girl. After a couple of minutes, they got up and started to leave. I noticed she reached her hand out and he took it. They walked hand in hand to his car. Yeah, she wanted it. Lance was getting laid somewhere tonight.

Oddly, I was completely okay with that. I wasn't jealous at all. But why should I have been? We weren't in a relationship. He flirted with me all the time, but I've always pushed him away. I had been trying to sort out my feelings for Lance. His friendship meant a lot to me now. I felt I could tell him anything. At the same time, he could be infuriating. What if we had been assigned as roommates? No doubt, we'd be having sex like crazy. But would I have fallen for him like I did Mike? Was he the right one for me? Mike told me I haven't had the chance to see what is out there. Lance and I can click very easily. What if I am supposed to be with someone closer to my age? Wow. Is what I'm thinking dangerous? I love Mike. Why would I want to mess that up?

I texted Mike.

"I came out to my Mom today."

My phone immediately rang. It was him.

"Hey babe! There was no way I was going to just text about that. Tell me everything," he said. "And by the way. Good for you!! I hope. Okay, I'll stop talking. Go."

"Well, first, thanks for calling. It went fine. She didn't run off in horror, but at the same time, I didn't get `It's wonderful!' either. I think she just needs to process it."

"Indeed," Mike said. "It's a big thing to take in. Give her some time. I bet she'll call you within a week."

"I hope so. I felt I would need to give her some space."

"Did you ... did you tell her about ... us?" he asked.

"No. I didn't mention any person at all. I just told her I was gay and that I didn't want to hide or lie. I just wanted to be honest."

"Aw, I'm proud of you. She has to respect that."

"I did notice as she left, she didn't say she loved me."

"Does she always?"

"Hmm. Y'know, I'm not sure. Sometimes."

"Again, let her sort it out. She might not know what to say right now. But more importantly, how do you feel?"

"Oh, Mike. It is like I can breathe. I was so nervous meeting her, but I needed to do it. It is Such. A. Relief. To have that behind me. Seriously. I feel very good about that."

"That's all that matters then. I take it your father wasn't there."

"Oh, no. I set it up to just talk to Mom first. I'll probably tell him after graduation."

"Whenever you feel ready."

"Hey, thanks again for driving all the way to see us play last night," I said.

"Of course. You put on a show, so I'm glad I did. You were amazing. I'm so supremely proud of you this weekend."

"Thank you. I love you, Mike."

"I love you too, Trent."

"Good night."

All in all, it was a good day. A good weekend. The playoffs news was hard to take, but everything else was rewarding. My life seemed to be a checklist of sorts currently. Now I feel like I just have to check off these final weeks.

 

April 12

Today was big. My head is swirling, but I'm very pleased with myself. I faced my fears and had the courage to come out to my mother. I think she took it okay, but time will tell. But deep down, I know all that is now on her. I've done my responsibility. I've been honest. I am her REAL son now. I hope she accepts me for the truth. I'm sure it is a big knock over the head for any parent to hear. I'll let her have all the space she needs. Hopefully, she will include me in that space soon.

Mike and Lance are there when I need it. I guess they serve different purposes, but I know they both care about me. A month and a half ago, I lived in fear. I felt so alone. Tonight, I feel none of that. I'm at peace.

 

I laid in bed hoping I would feel sleepy soon. It was quite the weekend. My roommates were asleep already. I probably could have masturbated quietly enough, but if Paul had woken up, he would be able to see me, so I forgot that idea. I just fondled my genitals a bit as I thought about Mike. Curiously, I thought about Lance, too.