Recognising the sound of Jean-Marie's car as it pulled up outside, he ran to open the door. A bright smile lit up his face as he met his friend coming up the path.
"You're here!"
"I did it faster than I thought. Fortunately, there was little traffic." Jean-Marie said, entering the house.
Daneel felt the urge to hug him, to kiss him, to... but he restrained himself, and took him into the living room. They sat down. He told himself he was perhaps supposed to put on some background music. He felt nervous and excited.
"How are you, Jean?" he asked, and thought it was a trivial question, almost like the pleasantries between two spinsters.
"Well," he answered, looking into his eyes and thinking that there was something strange, different from the usual, about him.
He had never been to Daneel's house, so he looked around a little, discreetly. But immediately his eyes went back to Daneel's and he saw an uncertainty and a slight nervousness which he perceived even in the way his friend sat.
"Are you all right, Daneel?" He looked at him.
"Yes, Jean. You do want to hook up with me, right?"
"Why are you asking me? You know I'm in love with you?"
"Yes, and me too, but you and I do not... I mean... I have never wanted to make love with you before."
"That, you explained to me, Daneel. I told you I would wait, didn't I? Is there any problem?"
"No... that is, I don't know. I... I want to make love with you! I would do it here and now, right away, but... "
"You're afraid you won't like it."
"No. It's not that I won't like it. But before I have always found problems afterwards. Not when being with someone, only after. It's almost as if I blame them, that it's their fault I did something I did not have to do."
"Yes, you explained it to me."
"Yes, but... I want to do it with you. But... I do not want to lose you. I do not want to exclude you from my life as I have always done with the others. I'm dying to make love with you but... you see... God what a mess I am, aren't I?"
"I don't want that either, Daneel. What can I do? What can I do to help you... to make you see clearly about yourself? To stop you convincing yourself that making love is dirty. Above all, if it is true love, it's beautiful, don't you understand?"
"I'm trying to convince myself. You want to know how you can help? Keep your patience with me, stay close to me afterwards, even should I react badly. Lend me your strength. I love you Jean. I want to make love with you, and I want us to do it now. But, I'm scared. Afraid of how I'll be afterwards. Why did you fall in love with such a messed up guy?"
"You say that with the other guys, before and during there was never a problem, right?"
"That's it, but after..."
"Because before you thought about nothing more than the desire you felt and, during, the pleasure you felt, and you did not think of anything else. You did not think if it was right or wrong, natural or depraved, vicious or just, sin or pure. But after, after the desire, the euphoria, the pleasure, afterwards you thought about it... and then you entered into a crisis, right? "
Daneel nodded vigorously.
"But now, with me, you're willing to take the risk?"
"If you help me."
Jean-Marie took his hand: "Do you want to make love with me, Daneel?"
"Yes!"
"And it's a dirty thing, do you want to do dirty things with me?"
"No... I..."
"Sucking my cock, Daneel, would that be a dirty thing, even if we liked it?"
"No... Sex is not a dirty or clean thing, it depends on how and why one does it."
"Are you convinced of that, Daneel? Having it in the ass, can be a beautiful and natural thing?"
For Daneel, such a raw dialogue seemed surreal. But he understood that Jean-Marie was right to confront him. "I don't know. No, I do not think so."
"You are a boy, I am a boy. If we make love, is it a mortal sin? Something to regret, to be ashamed of, that we must go and confess, ask for forgiveness? "
"I do not know. Maybe... maybe not but..."
"Do you really believe that if God, or nature made us this way, then we can be different from how he made us? Don't you think that's absurd, to say such a thing?"
"Yes but..."
"Two male dogs who fuck each other, which happens, then go to confession?" Jean-Marie asked with slight irony.
"What's that got to do with it? They're just animals, they only follow their instinct."
"And we are first of all animals and we follow our instinct. But we can regulate this instinct, within certain limits, and do it not only because nature urges us to do it, but to express the love we feel. The dog does it only for physical pleasure. He never does it either to overpower, to humiliate, or to rape the other dog, but neither for love. The difference with us men is all there, is it not? We can control our instincts, but not suppress them entirely. We can do it to humiliate the other, forcing him; we can do it to have fun, okay; but we can do it for love too.
"This, whether between a male and a female, or between two males, or between two females, does not change. Instinct pushes all animals, including men, to pursue their own good. Instinct is an internal, natural, genetic impulse, transmitted from father to son, which leads to actions that are useful for one's own existence or for the species. "
"But what is the use for the species that two males mate? None."
"Your instinct makes you defend a small child, who you may not even know, makes you protect him from danger, which is for the good of the species. The same instinct makes you hesitate in front of a danger, makes you evaluate it, before tackling it, which is for your own good, for survival."
"But one who has the instinct to kill…"
"It goes against other individuals and therefore also against the species, but there is no instinct to kill... if not to eat. There is an instinct to defend oneself, to protect oneself. Defence can also result in killing if those who threaten us do not desist, and if the threat is a threat of death. It is called legitimate defence. But if you love... or even just have sex for fun, with me who wants to do it with you, who do you damage, who do you threaten? Nobody! What's wrong? Evil is something contrary to honesty, virtue, duty, and only because of this should it be condemned. The killer instinct is focused on food, hunting to eat. Of course, it includes defending oneself and ones group, tribe. It might be labelled legitimate defence, if a threat exists. Having sex, even just casually, is not going to damage or threaten anyone. So what's wrong? Only evil things which are without virtue or honesty should be condemned."
"Yes... yes... you're right, but..."
"You told me that you never had problems before you did it, because you simply followed your desire without thinking about anything else, that's why I want you to think about it now. Has your desire to do it with me ceased? "
Daneel blushed slightly, delightfully, and whispered a soft "No!"
Jean-Marie caressed his cheek and smiled at him. "We want what we lack. We lack what we need. Honesty urges us to try to pursue what we want without harming the other. Virtue urges us to pursue what we desire, being good for ourselves and for each other. Thoughtfulness pushes us to get what we want in the best way, that is honestly and virtuously."
"Why don't we stop talking and..." Daneel murmured.
"Do you really want to?"
"Yup..."
"And... we are going to do something right... as well as pleasant, and beautiful?"
"I think so. I'm tired of fighting myself, I want to lay down my arms and I want you to help me, Jean."
"Are you sure I can help you?"
"And who, if not you? Because I know that you love me and I know that I love you."
"But if afterwards… if you reject me, you will hurt me."
"I don't want to hurt you. I don't want to, but you... you have to help me, Jean!" he said with heart felt emotion.
"I'm here for this... my love." Jean-Marie told him and hugged Daneel, pulling him to himself.
Their faces touched, they brushed lightly, their lips touched, they parted... and quenched each other with a kiss. At first tender, hesitant, then gradually more intimate, warm, deep. They broke away and looked at each other with bright eyes. It was not the first time they had kissed, but this time they were aware it was only the first step towards something else, a more intimate and total involvement.
Daneel stood up and took Jean by the hand, pulling him up: "Are you coming?"
Unlike when he had gone with other boys, now he was prepared to make love. This time Daneel felt not only excited, but also incredibly anxious. He felt anxiety and fear together. Anxious to test himself, afraid of hurting the boy he loved. But he hoped, because it was not only desire he felt, but love, everything would be fine.
He closed the bedroom door behind them. Quickly pulled off his light sleeveless pullover, throwing it on the chair. Jean-Marie slipped his fingers under the belt of Daneel's trousers and pulled him close.
"Come here... leave it to me..." he said tenderly.
He opened the belt, unbuttoned the first button of his jeans and pulled the zipper down. Daneel's trousers slipped down over his knees. Jean-Marie pressed the palm of his hand onto his friend's briefs, gently sliding it up and down against the rigid pole that was beating beneath. Daneel shuddered. He undid and pushed his friend's trousers down, with his boxers. His eyes took in the sight. With pleasure, he saw that he was already beautifully erect and hard.
Jean-Marie slipped his fingers under the elastic of Daneel's briefs and pushed them down to the floor, along with the jeans. He cupped his butt, drawing him tight, until their members were compressed, palpitating against each other. Daneel slipped a hand between their bodies and caressed the tool of his friend with a full hand, feeling an immense pleasure.
Then he pulled away, removed his shoes, bent over to slip off his jeans and briefs and threw them on top of the pullover on the chair. He quickly unbuttoned his shirt, taking it off, and letting it fall to the floor. He returned between Jean-Marie's arms, which meanwhile had freed himself of his clothes.
Jean-Marie looked him in the eyes, and whispered, "Are you sure? You do really want us to go on?"
"Yup!"
"Are you convinced that we are not doing anything wrong, nothing dirty?"
"Yes..." he said, shuddering, "... convinced enough because... because I love you... because you love me... I still have a little fear but... it cannot be wrong. . This told me also..." he was going to say dad, but he stopped in time and finished: "my heart! That's why I asked you to come here, to me."
Jean-Marie smiled tenderly: "If you knew how long I've dreamed of this moment, my Daneel. I hope that everything goes well, even later."
"I hope too. Actually, I want it. But if... if you realise that... that I'm becoming strange... "
"I will try to understand and stay close to you."
"Promise me!"
"I swear to you, but if... if you want us to go no further... I would understand and..."
Daneel seemed to concentrate, reflect for a few seconds, then took a deep breath and, looking into his eyes, murmured: "No. Too late to go back. No, I want... I want to make love with you. Because it's love and it is not, it cannot be wrong."
They kissed again, this time pushing their tongues into each other's mouths, in a playful and pleasant duel. Daneel thought that this kiss was the most fantastic he had ever received. He thought about what he was about to share with Jean-Marie, almost analysing it. He visualized in his mind what they were going to do and thought it would be wonderful, not dirty. No! And he understood that he needed Jean-Marie, and not just any boy.
He wanted to give himself to Jean-Marie and make love with him, only with him. And he thought that doing it with him would be not only a beautiful thing, but a clean one! In part he said it to convince himself, but in part, being more and more convinced, he repeated it within himself. Yes, he was gay and he would learn to live with this fact, to accept it fully, to accept himself fully. Just like his father told him.
He felt Jean-Marie's hand resting on his hard member, brushing against his contracted testicles. His fingers sliding up and down his entire length in a pleasant caress, lingering on the swollen and very sensitive glans. He moaned and quivered with force. He raised his hands to gently tease Jean-Marie's nipples, which hardened immediately to his touch. Jean-Marie's member slid up and down against his pubic fold, hot, hard, quivering. In their eyes there were sparks of passion, their breaths were broken by gasps of desire.
"Jean-Marie... I want you to put it all inside me." Daneel murmured.
"And you inside me, right?" he asked his friend gently.
"Whatever you want, I just want to make you happy."
"And I you. And it's not dirty, it's not wrong what we're doing, what we're going to do. "
"No. It's not dirty!"
Jean-Marie took his face in his hands and looked into Daneel's eyes, and read a burning desire equal to his own.
"I love you, Daneel. I love you so much, with all my being. That's why I want to show it to you with my whole body. That's why I want to make love with you."
"Yes..." Daneel sighed gently pushing him towards the bed.
Jean-Marie resisted and gently struggled free.
"You do not want to?" Daneel asked him a little confused.
"Wait..." Jean-Marie said and bent over his trousers and extracted a packet of lubricated condoms, which he showed him smiling: "Never without these. At least until we are sure we are both healthy."
"What if we were not?" Daneel asked, blushing slightly.
"We will continue to use them. But you, you've always used them, I hope."
"Yup."
"Me too, so we're probably both healthy. Have you ever done the analysis?"
"Never."
"I did. Anyway, we'll do that together."
"As you want."
They were both burning with desire and yet they had not yet joined. And this, unlike the other times, gave Daneel time to reflect. "Dirty, why should it be dirty what we are going to do?" he mentally repeated himself. "It will be great and it will be clean," he murmured, more to himself than his friend.
"Sure, it's all right, Daneel. Everything will be fine, you'll see."
"Yes. It has to be fine!" he sighed.
He trusted Jean-Marie and knew he would accompany him, beyond orgasm, to truly enjoy what they were about to do. To enjoy it even after, when both had been satisfied. He wanted to make love with him. Love, not just a fuck.
Jean-Marie girdled his waist and led him to the bed. Daneel lay down, looking up at him with a smile full of expectation, of desire. Jean-Marie slipped a condom over his beautiful, proudly erect member. He climbed onto his knees on the bed, between the spread legs of Daneel, who immediately raised them to his chest, offering himself to Jean-Marie with an anxious smile. Jean-Marie leaned against him and pointed the hot, strong rod of flesh between his spread buttocks, guiding it to the waiting hole. Daneel made it palpitate.
"Put it all in."
"This will be good, won't it? My flesh united with yours. Very good."
"Yes, sure."
"Good and right, because I love you, because you love me."
"Yes, good and right. Go on," he implored, impatient, quivering.
Jean-Marie began to push, gradually increasing the pressure, and almost suddenly the elastic sphincter gave way and began to receive it. Daneel moaned slightly and Jean-Marie froze, looking into his eyes.
"Don't stop! Push! Take me! Make me finally yours."
Jean-Marie put his hands at each side of Daneel, leaned on his knees and pushed again, with calibrated vigour. He felt the tip of Daneel's member touch his belly and throb against him. He kept sliding slowly inside, invading him, filling him, joining him, finally. Daneel waved his pelvis slightly to feel it better, to make it easier.
"Everything good?" Jean-Marie asked him in a whisper.
"Very good."
"Do you like it?"
"Sure."
"And it's not dirty that we join like this, is it?"
"No... it's... right!"
Daneel grabbed him by the waist and pulled him to himself, catching him by surprise, grabbing his friend against him and letting himself be penetrated completely. He felt his friend's testicles pressing against his buttocks. Then he breathed out a happy sigh. Jean-Marie began to slide his hard tool back and forth, looking into Daneel's eyes and enjoying the light he saw glowing in them.
A soft and quiet moan of pleasure escaped from Daneel's half-open lips, which unconsciously made the sphincter palpitate. Then he raised his hands and began to titillate with pleasure the rigid nipples of his friend, of his lover.
"It's beautiful... too good... And it's right..." he murmured feeling moved. "Good... clean... right..." he whispered again.
"Sure, because we love each other, Daneel, my Daneel... Finally mine..." Jean-Marie said in a pleased and happy tone, continuing to move with tender vigour in him.
"It's all right, Jean-Marie. I've never felt so good."
"And it will always be better, because we love each other, and love is a beautiful and right thing. Beautiful and right. "
"Yup."
Jean-Marie withdrew a little, then pushed back deep inside, giving pleasure to the sensitive flesh, fulfilling the desire with which his lover welcomed him. As if in a dream, Daneel felt the strong flesh of his beloved caressing the warm channel, filling him not only there, but in all his being. Yes, this was really making love, Daneel told himself, feeling as happy as ever he had been. Jean-Marie pulled back, then pushed forward again, again, and again, and again... arousing low murmurs of pleasure, of desire not yet satisfied by the beautiful half-closed lips of his sweet lover.
Gradually he accelerated his pace, and Daneel felt his whole body quiver with increasing intensity. His muscles tensed and relaxed, as waves of enjoyment gently engulfed him. Jean-Marie began to emit low moans, an expression of his growing emotion. Daneel thought with joy that it was thanks to him that his lover was reaching ecstasy.
Jean-Marie moaned: "Oh... Daneel... I'm about... I'm about..."
"Take me... stay inside... come on... come on, love!"
Jean-Marie bucked up against him, and erupted with a long groan of pleasure, pronouncing the name of Daneel to every spasm, bent over him, wincing at each shot. Daneel felt his lover's member vibrate inside him, pushing, if possible, even deeper. His little hole tightened against the hot, vigorous rod he felt full of him and his passion. And while Jean-Marie began to relax, very slowly, still quivering, Daneel felt the wave rise in him. His member, squeezed between their tummies, exploded all his passion, his pleasure, and he too reached an ecstasy, moaning in turn.
Jean-Marie passed his arms under Daneel's torso, hugging him and clinging to him. Daneel wrapped his legs around the waist of his beloved, while his arms encircled his neck and kissed transported with joy, his imprisoned member shot the last broadside between their bodies.
They collapsed, completely exhausted, satisfied for the moment, relaxing without stopping kissing, without dissolving the tight embrace. Then, while Jean-Marie, moving only his pelvis, slipped out of him, Daneel felt a sensation of loss, abandonment. He thought that for the first time he had really made love... and it was already over. A shadow passed across his eyes, just as Jean-Marie lifted his torso and looked at him.
"Are you alright, Daneel?" he asked, holding his breath.
"It was... too... too beautiful!"
"You do not regret..."
"No... not yet... Kiss me again... it's beautiful... Caress me... please..."
Jean-Marie hugged him again, while Daneel stretched out his legs, and put his lips on his. Holding him tight, he rolled on the bed so they were both to one side, they interweaved their legs, kissing each other. Daneel felt his seed between their bodies and this did not seem ugly or dirty. On the contrary, this gave him a strange feeling of pleasure, as if it were a glue that still held them together.
Almost in unison their hands met, their fingers intertwined and Daneel smiled. It was not necessary to say anything, everything was still going well, very well. All of Daneel's old problems, all his fears, now no longer disturbed his mind. He was happy to have made love with Jean-Marie. He was not at all repentant and he told himself he would certainly not go to confession for doing something so beautiful, so right.
He thought that sooner or later he had to take a shower, but this time it would be different, it would be together with Jean-Marie. They would wash each other, and he liked that idea. The image that was formed in his mind gave him a great sense of tenderness.
"Jean-Marie? Love."
"Yes?"
"I would like to live with you, to look for a house together. Perhaps something small, that we could afford between the both of us. If you want it too?"
"What about your mother? What would you say?"
"I'd say, hello, I'm leaving. If she doesn't understand, too bad. I am of age. I want to live with you. But you still have not told me if you want to live with me?"
"So, you don't regret having done it?"
"No."
"You aren't ashamed?"
"No."
"You don't feel dirty?"
"Yes, but only with my seed, and of our sweat, not dirty inside." Daneel smiled.
"I too would like to live with you now. We must make it possible. We'll look for something."
"It won't cause you problems?"
"I do not think so, but above all, I don't care. I was so scared, you know?"
"About what?"
"Of your reaction. And of not being able to really help you."
"You forced me to think about it. So, now, I finally managed to accept it. To accept myself. It was less difficult than I thought."
"So, are we going to wash?"
"Yes. But then we come back here, on the bed and we'll still be hugging a little, right?"
"Sure, but next time…"
"It will be you who will take it from me. Agreed."
"Agreed."
They went to the bathroom, washed each other, enjoying that form of intimacy. They dried each other, holding each other tenderly, they stretched out on the bed, embraced, and began to plan their future.
When Jean-Marie got out of bed to get dressed, Daneel wanted to hold him back, but then he looked at his watch and realised that it had already been four hours. Four wonderful hours had flown away and his father would soon be back. So he said nothing, he got off the bed and dressed. As they finished, they looked at each other, and exchanged a smile.
Then Daneel led him to the door. Before he went out, he took him in his arms, kissed him tenderly and whispered: "I'm happy, Jean-Marie. I'm yours. I love you."
"And I'm yours. See you soon. Yes?"
"Sure!"
He watched him get in the car. They exchanged a last wave goodbye, and a smile. He watched him drive away, then went back into the house, to the kitchen, to start preparing dinner. After a few minutes he heard the front door open, then close. He remembered he had not closed it with the catch. Almost immediately his father arrived in the kitchen.
Daneel greeted him with a broad smile. "Everything went beautifully, dad!" he announced, pleased.
"Good!" his father told him with a sweet smile. "I was sure of it."
"We made love, dad."
"Of course."
"And... and I'm not sorry, I do not feel dirty. No, really not. And I want to live with him. "
"Did you tell him? Did you talk about it? "
"Sure, and he agrees. Even with the other guys, you know, it was nice, but not like that... and above all, it was better afterwards. "
"Because you finally accepted yourself for who you are and because you two love each other."
"Yes, and because you helped me… and he did too. Without you and him, I would not be so... so serene, so happy. And I'm no longer afraid to face my mother, not too much, at least. I don't know if I'll tell her about myself, about Jean-Marie and me, but I'll tell her that I intend to leave home, live on my own, in my own way."
"You will have to have a lot of strength, Daneel. I will not be able to be near you anymore, except with my love."
"Couldn't we come and live with you, dad? Jean-Marie and me? Wouldn't it be nice to be a family, the three of us?"
"I already told you that it's not possible, although it would certainly give me great pleasure. I'd also like you to introduce me to your Jean-Marie, but that's not possible either, unfortunately."
"But why, dad?"
"I live too far away now and there's no room for you and him, where I am. Not yet."
"Not yet, you say. So maybe one day?"
"Oh, someday, yes, but not soon. But you don't need me anymore, now you have your Jean-Marie. "
"Will everything always be good, between him and me, dad?"
"It depends exclusively on the two of you. To love each other, means accepting each other, including the sides of the character we like a little less. It means having a lot of patience with each other."
"Yes... like Jean-Marie had with me, in all these months, and even this afternoon. He was able to deal with me, step by step. To reflect on what was going on, what I wanted to do, and to accept it fully. You know it was almost like a first time for me?"
"I can imagine."
"I don't know if I've really overcome everything, or if I'm simply still under the influence of the beauty of what we did, but the other times, with the other guys, I felt sorry right away after we had finished. This time it was completely different."
"Great."
"Dinner is ready soon. You know, dad, I think we'll start looking for a home right away. The savings I have should be enough to pay the deposit and in the beginning, even if we can only buy a few pieces of furniture, just the essentials, it will be fine, anyway. "
"Of course. With two salaries, you should not have any problems."
"Will you leave me your address, dad, before leaving?"
Pauwels De Smet did not answer immediately, then, in a low voice, he said: "Yes. Tomorrow, before leaving."
"Are you already leaving tomorrow?"
"Unfortunately, I cannot stay longer. I did as much as I needed to do for now, you do not need me anymore."
"Why do you keep telling me that I do not need you anymore? Yes, all right, now I have Jean-Marie, it's true, but a son always needs his parents, no?"
"Sooner or later the parents leave, but when there is love between parents and children, they remain in the hearts of their children. Even if they leave, they really never leave them."