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As a point of reference, Chapter 4 took place in April 2013.

 

 

5

September 2015
Laramie Jenkins (26)
Grayson Jenkins (23)

 

Laramie

The week had still been rather sticky. The sultry, humid air had given way to some cooler temperatures as the first cold front of autumn had moved in the day before. I was glad. Had all of us had to stand around the gravesite and just continue to sweat, that would have been horrible. I stood next to Grayson as the casket was lowered into the ground. We hardly ever saw each other dressed up, but we were both in full suits for the funeral.

"How do you feel?" Gray asked.

"Numb. I'm not sure what to feel. I don't think any of us saw this coming," I replied.

"Dad looks in shock. Like... really ... in shock."

"I know." I sniffed. "It has to be horrible."

The whole family had spent many hours thanking people for coming to the funeral and their condolences. I had fought back tears many times, but I knew I had still allowed myself to cry a few times today. The handkerchief came in handy.

I looked at the grave, and Mom's words came crashing back. I couldn't help it. I started crying again. I walked away from everyone. Thankfully, there weren't many people at the gravesite itself.

My vision blurred as tears welled. The trees in the distance were still green. It would be a few weeks before they would begin to change. As I cried, the individual edges of the leaves melded into a single blotch of emerald. I wiped my eyes for them to come into focus again, only for the graveyard foliage to look submerged once again.

It wasn't just the tears; I also began sobbing audibly.

Mom's words cut me. It hurt so bad. It was probably just the moment. Had she known, I'm sure she wouldn't have hurt me so intentionally.

But she did.

There was just too much hitting me at once. Our family loss. Mom's words. Seeing Freddy. I was a mess. My stomach was in knots. I hadn't eaten much. My insides churning almost made me sick.

 

Grayson

Laramie had walked away. I wasn't sure if he needed some time alone. I didn't like seeing him cry like that.

I glanced over at his friend, Freddy. It was nice of him to come. Larry had said the two of them were deeply in love in college. I wondered how that felt, to see an old boyfriend that life took away from you.

I stepped over to my brother.

"You okay?"

"No. No, I'm not. I'm a total mess," he blubbered.

"It's just so ... shocking," I said. "Did you ever suspect?"

"No," Laramie answered. "Phillip and I talked on occasion. He would tell me that he was down from time to time." He took in a deep breath to try to regain some composure. "But I never thought Phillip would take his own life."

"I know. I still can't believe it."

"The worst part is just the week before, Mom called me a disappointment."

"She did not!" I said in surprise.

"She did. She didn't realize I was standing behind her. She was talking to Dad in the kitchen. I think she was talking about the three of us. You've been dating Jennie for eight months now. I think she was looking ahead to Thanksgiving dinner. She went on and on how she hoped Phillip would find someone. Then she said I was a disappointment."

"Maybe she..."

"Don't. She meant it. When she realized I was there and heard, she stammered into an excuse that she didn't mean it that way. She said she was just going to be disappointed that I wouldn't be able to offer any grandchildren. She was excited for them to be around. She was optimistic about your relationship with Jennie. Then she just went on and on about Phillip being a great catch. He was bound to get married one day soon. She was hoping I could be more like him."

"That's ... brutal."

"Yeah." He stood in silence. "It has hurt so bad, but now that Phillip is gone, it is agony for me to think I am the disappointment. I've stayed here for FOUR years until she got better. I've helped Dad with the farm and around the house and giving him a break when he needed to just get away from all the doctors. Those words just cut me."

I put my arms around my brother. "You're not a disappointment, Larry. Not to me. You've been a good brother. Don't ever feel that way."

"Was I? Was I a good brother? Could I have been better? Could I have been more helpful to Phillip?"

I squeezed him tighter.

"Don't take on Phillip's problems. He was responsible for his own life," I said into my brother's shoulder.

"We never hugged growing up," Larry said.

"I know. It feels nice. Why didn't we?"

"Dad, I'm sure," he said, blowing his nose into his hanky. "I would have to think he felt it wasn't manly. Men didn't hug. Except women."

"Probably. How hard do you think it is going to be to go get Phillip's things tomorrow?"

"I don't know," my brother said. "I had only been to his apartment in Wichita once."

"I'd gone twice." I thought about my visits with Phillip. "We were six years apart. The two of us never seemed super close. Do you think other brothers are closer?"

"I'm kind of lucky being in the middle, I guess. I felt equally as close to you both. I suppose I looked up to him, so there's always that."

"And I looked up to you."

"You did?" Larry said, totally surprised.

"You both were my big brothers, but you were more relatable."

"Because of my age? Or because Phillip could be a dick?"

I laughed. Larry did, too. I thought that made us both feel better.

"You could be pretty mean, too," I retaliated.

"I know. I'm sorry. I think most brothers are that way. I regret treating you badly at times. Now, we're both in our twenties. I think I feel closer to you as an adult, even though I only see you about once a month."

"I get that."

For some reason, we hugged again. We didn't separate immediately. It was an elongated moment. I think we both were feeling loss. This connection helped us hold on.

I looked over at Freddy.

"Freddy seems nice. What's it like seeing your old love interest."

Larry sighed. "It's been five years since we ... we were ..."

"In love," I said, completing his sentence.

"Yeah. It's wonderful. It's painful. It's all that. I'm happy for him. Really. I just ... don't know if I'm ever going to find anyone like him."

"Not in Eureka!"

He chuckled. "For sure."

 

Later
Laramie Jenkins (26)
Freddy Spaulding (27)

 

Laramie

I saw Freddy walk up to me. Just looking at him, I was lost in his eyes, just like back in college. I was happy that he and Joshua found each other. He deserved to be loved. He was a wonderful man. He had worn a suit for me. He still looked every bit as handsome. As sharply dressed as he was, I would still prefer to see him completely naked. I hadn't forgotten his dick. I liked it. I liked it in my mouth. I liked it all over me.

I shouldn't think such things anymore.

"How are you holding up?" Freddy asked.

"Hit and miss." He put his arm around me as we walked back to the small group of people. "It was nice of you to come down. I'm sure a plane ticket wasn't cheap."

"Don't worry about that. There are times when you just do certain things for your best friend."

"Well, Joshua is your best friend."

"Josh is my partner — and, well, now fiancée — and yes, a best friend in so many ways. But you and me, we had — we have! — a great friendship."

"Thanks. We do. Our phone calls always cheer me up, even though they make me miss you."

"Me too."

He gave me a one-armed hug as we continued to walk.

"So. Your Mom looks good. I take it everything is ... better??"

"She's slightly weak, but ... yeah. The doctors are optimistic. She's almost back to how she felt several years ago. She's only 50, so it's not like she is super old or anything."

"Does that mean you would feel comfortable to leave Eureka?"

"I don't know. I guess. Dad doesn't need me anymore, at least not like the last few years."

"Is anything keeping you here? You haven't mentioned seeing anybody."

"Ha. No. Most of my dates are with my right hand."

"Lar'!"

I chuckled. "I'd love to leave, but ... I don't know where to go. No place really calls to me."

"Well, let things settle. I could try to find you a position near Boston."

"Fredeeeee. I don't belong in Boston. Plus, the last thing Joshua would want is an old flame moving near you."

 

Freddy

"That's probably true. That would send a terrible message to him, I imagine."

As much as it would be a kindness to Laramie, I'm not sure it would wise for me. I loved Josh; he was my partner. We were committed to a life together. Having Laramie close by, particularly unattached, I could imagine temptation rearing its ugly head. I had missed Larry bear's cock all these years. Josh's was fine. I loved him, but Laramie was the clear winner in the naked department.

I felt bad for thinking such a thought. I loved Josh. Totally. Dicks didn't matter. Josh is beautiful both inside and out. The very thought of me picturing Lar' naked should have made me ashamed. And it did.

But a part of me would always love him.

"How did you introduce me to your parents?"

"You were there," Larry said.

"No, I mean, before I arrived."

"Ah. A friend from college. A good friend."

"True enough."

"They thought it was very kind of you to travel in."

"I explained that we were very close my junior year and that we remain best friends."

"Think they suspect we were lovers?"

"I dunno. Frankly, I don't give a fuck. Mom thinks I'm a disappointment."

"Oh, please. You've stuck around for four years. You've put the family first."

"One would think that would make a difference, but she said a couple weeks ago that I was a disappointment."

"To your face!?"

"No, she was talking to Dad. I was standing behind her. She didn't know. She tried to make an excuse. Tried to reword her statement. Freddy, I swear, I don't know if they even care about me."

"I hope you're wrong. I know you're wrong. They're your parents. Of course they do. I'm sure they love you very much."

"Maybe deep down. Maybe they love me. But ... they don't like me. They don't like to spend time with me. The voice they use with me is the same they use with our hired hands. That's what I feel."

Damn. I didn't know what to say. I had no reason to dismiss his feelings. I reached over and we embraced.

"I'm really sorry. I hope things work out for the better."

Lord, holding him was glorious. Larry and I were just friends, that was it. But ... I missed him. I missed the love we shared. It was our own. We had moved on, but ... if I lived here, we'd be in each other's lives, each other's beds, immediately. Nothing had changed about how wonderful a man I thought he was. Life just dealt us the wrong calendar.

 

Laramie

"When do you head home?" I asked Freddy.

"I'll need to leave here soon. My flight out of KC isn't until 7:30, but I have the rental car and everything."

"Yeah. You shouldn't dilly dally too long." I stared into Freddy's eyes. We slightly smiled at each other. "I'm so glad you came. It means a lot. Really. It does."

"Then I'm glad I did too."

"I promise to come see you one day. If you'll enjoy seeing me. I'd love to meet Joshua in person."

"I'd like that. When we set a date, will you come to our wedding?"

As much as that was a dozen spears through my chest, I answered, "Absolutely! I'd be honored to be there. Keep me posted."

"Okay." Freddy paused. "We haven't talked about Phillip much. Anything you want to ... say?"

"I don't know. He didn't really leave much of a note or anything. It was basically just a message to the landlord to come find him. His body, I mean. I don't think he wanted to be laying around ... dead for a long time."

I started crying again. Freddy held me in a bear hug.

"I can't imagine," he whispered. "You know you can call, right? Anytime."

"I do. I will." I squeezed him tighter. "Please tell Josh I said, `thank you,' for sharing you this weekend."

"I'll give him your regards."

We let go. I looked up at Freddy. "You should probably go."

"Yeah."

I wanted to kiss him. I wanted to kiss him so badly. If I could read his expression — and I used to very well — I thought he wanted to kiss me too. This certainly wasn't the place. Nor would it have been appropriate between us.

Damn fate. Damn it all to hell.

We both told the other we loved them, and Freddy got in his car. I watched him drive away. Grayson came up to me and put his arm around me.

As we were driven in the car back to the farm, my thoughts drifted back to Phillip. What haunted him? Did my parents make him feel like he couldn't measure up? Did he have personal demons with romantic relationships? As far as I knew, he didn't have debts or alcohol or drug problems. Was he in some kind of trouble? Damn, Phillip. Why didn't you reach out to us? You didn't deserve this. This wasn't the answer.

I hung my suit up in my closet. Despite it being a funeral, Freddy and I had taken a selfie. We both looked so sharp dressed up.

I stared at the casseroles and other dishes people had thoughtfully brought to us. Our kitchen was pretty full of options.

I wasn't really hungry.

Two hours later, Freddy texted me that he had checked in for his flight and was waiting to board.

I shut my bedroom door. It wasn't close to bedtime, but I stripped naked and masturbated thinking of Freddy. I did it in complete silence. The sun had set. The last remaining colors of twilight washed the far wall in a dim red-violet. I stared at the picture of the two of us as I reached my climax. My cum hitting my bare skin was like a cleansing. I shut my eyes and let it spray all over me.

I didn't clean up. I just continued to lie there. I fondled my balls thinking about Freddy. After fifteen minutes, my cum started to run a bit. I knew I needed to wipe it all away. I walked to the closet and grabbed my briefs from yesterday. It was probably equal parts smearing and cleaning. I felt slightly sticky but didn't give a damn.

I lumbered down the stairs to grab a bite of something. I could hear Grayson and Dad in the kitchen. As my foot fell on each step, it was almost as if the same thought was being pounded into me.

I needed to leave town. I needed to find someone to love.

 

The next day
Laramie Jenkins
Grayson Jenkins

 

Laramie

The drive back from Wichita was mostly in silence. Mom had chosen to stay home. Dad and I sat up front. Grayson was in the back.

"You're staying tonight, right?" I asked my younger brother, with my neck craned toward the back seat.

"Yeah. Work knows the situation. They told me it was fine to take a little extra time off. I'll head back tomorrow evening."

Dad didn't say anything.

We had boxed up most of Phillip's things. Surprisingly, he didn't seem to own a lot. Mom suggested we make three stacks: things to keep, things to donate and things to trash. It seemed like a good system. Grayson and I kept a memento of our older brother. For me it was a ball glove. We had played catch when I was in grade school. Once he got his driver's license, we didn't do much together after that. We played a little catch when I was in junior high. We would compete in video games every now and then. Grayson wanted his watch. He had commented last Thanksgiving that he thought it was cool. I wasn't sure I could wear something that would make me think about Phillip all the time.

"Think we should donate Phillip's stuff to the church or to Goodwill?" I asked my father.

"Don't know," he said, staring out the windshield. "Church, I `spose. We can ask your mother."

I looked at Grayson. We both thought Dad was exceptionally quiet. What was he going through? Did he blame himself? Did he know something we didn't? Was he internally angry at Phillip. Dad didn't express a lot of emotion.

Since my big "coming out" extravaganza more than two years ago, he and I never really had a serious conversation about anything. He didn't want to discuss anything gay. From my childhood, I always got the impression my father didn't want to have anything to do with homosexuals. He never said anything derogatory about them, but the sense that boys shouldn't be with other boys was always implied in the rare instances the topic was inserted into conversation.

Fifteen minutes later we pulled into the driveway. Once inside, Mom told us to be ready for dinner in about 20 minutes. Dad walked to their bedroom. Gray and I went upstairs.

"Are you worried about Dad?" he asked, standing in my doorway.

"Yeah. Come on in."

"Dad has never been a party-mad conversationalist, but ... he seems ... kind of off."

"I know." I looked out the window. "I have no idea what it must feel like to lose a child. It's just out of order, you know?"

"I wonder if he blames himself," Grayson said.

"I've thought the same."

Grayson sat next to me on my bed.

"I'm worried about you," he said.

"Me? Why?" I said turning to look at him.

"You ... you don't look happy."

"Duh!!! Our brother just killed himself."

"It's more than that. I'm sad about that, but ... Lar', you gotta do something to feel better. Is this because you saw Freddy?"

"No. Maybe. No. I ..." I stopped talking and flopped on the bed. Gray turned and looked down at me. "I was happy in college. I loved Freddy so much. Now ... I worry I'll never have that again. What if I live my life alone?"

"It's not a law you have to be with someone."

"I liked sharing my life with someone. Freddy and I just connected so well."

"Get out of this town, Larry. There's nothing for you in Eureka. Mom and Dad are fine without you being here. Sorry. If that sounded mean, I didn't intend for it to."

"No. I know what you meant." I looked up at Gray hovering over me. "Where do I go?"

"ANYwhere! You're not gonna find true love working at Johnson's!"

"But..."

"There's no such thing as a gay bar in probably an hour's drive."

"But..."

"But what?"

"But ... I don't know where to begin. I'm not very good at ... relationships."

"You just told me you fell in love with this man in college. What's to figure out?"

"I'm just not ... lucky. My first time to even touch a guy, he came all over me in the driveway."

"Charlie?"

"Yeah."

"Ew."

"Phillip caught me in my first blowjob. Dad walked in when ... well, he walked in."

"This is all TMI. Why are you telling me this?"

"The one time I really thought I knew what love was like, it was ... it was with someone I knew I couldn't have."

"Freddy isn't the only one out there."

"I guess. I'm just not sure where to go. I suppose there's Wichita or Emporia."

"You don't have to stay in Kansas, for heaven's sake. There's a big world out there. You're bound to find someone in San Francisco."

"That's kind of playing on stereotypes, isn't it? Besides, I haven't saved enough to live in California."

"So. What interests you?"

"You'll laugh."

"What? Why?"

"When I drove to Phillip's place the one time I visited, I stopped at a library there in Wichita. It was right there, I needed to pee. I ... just stopped in. As I looked around, I noticed a magazine. There was an article on beautiful courthouses, and I just thumbed through it."

"Yeah?"

"I started looking at them. Dad and I have done woodworking in the past years. We don't really talk much, but when we're busy at building or carving, we can make small talk. It's the closest I feel to him."

"Hm."

"So when I see nice woodwork, I get drawn in. I dunno. I like it."

"So...?"

"So, as I looked at these places, I just wondered what it would be like to live in those towns?"

"Throw some at me."

I tried to remember. There were a lot in the article. "Well ... Sioux City, Jackson Bend, Woodbury County, Plattsmouth, Dallas, Frankfort ... there were probably 20. There were a few in the Midwest that really called to me. I just wanted to go see them."

"Then go see them! See what's out there. See what you like!"

"I've saved some. I'm just not sure when is the right time to pick up and move."

"Just take a vacation and visit some places. Get out of here. You're going to stagnate here. Just go."

"Was it scary for you to start fresh?"

"Topeka wasn't that huge of a leap, but it was nice to just be ... you know, on my own. I was never one for farm life anyways."

I glazed over for a moment pondering moving from the only home I had ever known.

 

Grayson

I wasn't sure if Laramie thought so, but I knew staying here was going to suck the life out of him. Mom and Dad were doing nothing for his state of mind. With Mom's health back on course, he needed to start fresh.

"Just think about it," I told my older brother.

"I will."

"You know you can call me if you just want to talk."

"I know, Gray. And thanks. Freddy says the same thing."

"Ever since you ... well, came out to the family, Larry, you just seem so tense. Like everything is bottled up inside you."

"Do I look that bad?"

"Not bad ... just not good. Not happy."

"Probably because I'm not."

"Please think about it," I said.

"You're a better listener than Phillip, by the way," Laramie told me.

"Thanks."

"I looked up to him when I was young. I wish he and I talked more. Maybe ..."

"It's a shame he didn't talk to anybody before ..."

"Gray," Laramie said, reaching for my arm. "I may not seem happy, but I'm never going to do that. Okay? I don't want you to worry in that way. I wouldn't do that to you. Besides, I may not be happy now, but I would never do anything that drastic."

"Just find yourself. Find yourself in someplace else."

We were quiet for a few minutes.

"I guess I should start my drive back," I said. "I'm always at the other end of a phone call, okay?"

I ruffled Larry's hair. He sat up and gave a simple hug.

"Be safe, little brother."

I walked downstairs to say goodbye to my parents. It was sad that I worried about everyone in my family. I was sad about losing my oldest brother. I'm not sure I was close enough to say I would miss him. We didn't do a lot together. I was just sad that he felt that was a way out. Would we ever know the reason why?

I remembered Dad telling me when I was in junior high about one of those "funny boys" a few farms over. It was obvious that he didn't realize one of his own sons was a funny boy. Even more than the loss of my older brother, I felt sorry for Laramie. I knew he was not in a good place. I prayed he would get of here.

 

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