Date: Thu, 27 Jan 2022 04:36:07 +0000
From: Jak Ladd <JAKLADD@hotmail.com>
Subject: On The Therapist's Couch

On The Therapist's Couch
by Jakladd aka Bobbi Jayne

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On The Therapist's Couch
If you sit on a therapist's couch, it's evident something is bothering
you, even if you are not sure what it is.  Sometimes you do know what it
is and you need help straightening things out in your mind. Actually, the
therapist is simply a facilitator letting you speak and say things that
you might find uncomfortable telling people you know.  And as you speak,
you hear yourself and things can become clearer in your own mind,
hopefully leading to some resolution within yourself.  I went to see
Daniel and the first session was rather flat, clinical and antiseptic so
I was not sure I really wanted to go back.  Regardless of these
sentiments, I trudged back in for a second session and opened up to him
what was going on in my life, in my head.  Daniel's office was nicely
appointed as I sat on a big, expensive dark brown leather couch. There
was a matching leather armchair to the right with a fine burled wood end
table in between on which a nice lamp sat.  On the walls were actually
paintings, not cheap cheesy wall pictures seen in most professional and
medical offices.  Daniel was sitting in a smaller, different style chair,
a chair similar to one from the end of a dining room set, with greenish
leather on the carved wooden arms, fastened with old style iron grommets.

"Does your wife know you have these thoughts?" Daniel asked when I told
him of my desire to have sex with other men.

"No, she has no idea," of which I was fairly certain that she did not
know.

"How often do you masturbate?" Daniel asked.

"Quite often," I replied. Why does he want to know this, I thought,
somewhat embarrassed telling someone about my masturbation habits.

"Daily?" he asked.  "More than once a day?"

"All of the above," I sheepishly replied, not looking at him.

"Do you consider your masturbation habits obsessive, compulsive or
excessive?" he asked.

"Everyone has their own 'normal'," I replied.

"Does the pornography you view revolve around gay porn?" he asked, not
asking IF I viewed pornography, but WAS the pornography I viewed, GAY
porn.

"Yes," was my curt answer.  It was beginning to make me feel
uncomfortable discussing this with him.  It was uncomfortable because
masturbation behind the back of your wife is such a hidden, private
endeavor.

"When was the last time you had sex with another man?" Daniel inquired,
not asking IF I had ever had sex with another many but WHEN on the
assumption that I had, rather than giving me the benefit of doubt.  Now
my comfort level was bordering on freaking out.

"I'm not ready to tell you that," was my reply, wanting to move on.

"OK. Did you enjoy having sex with another man?" he asked.

"Daniel, I'm not comfortable answering that right now."

"Understood.  Did you feel guilt or shame seeing your wife after having
sex with another man?" he asked, again insinuating that I had been having
gay sex with men outside of my marriage to Katie.  Isn't a therapist
supposed to ask questions that are not leading to assumptions of my
guilt?  I felt like I was on the witness stand at a trial.

"Katie has no idea what I've done.  She thinks the world of me," not
answering his question about if I felt guilt around Katie, but yet
admitting to some degree what he was assuming by saying "she has no idea
what I've done."

"How old were you when you first had a physical sexual encounter with
another person?" Daniel asked.  I simply and quietly flashed him the
number using my fingers on my hands.

"I see. Quite young.  Was this other person a female or a male?"

"Another boy," I replied.

"Older or younger than you?"

"He was older, lived the next block over," I admitted.  The demons of my
past were rearing their scary heads.  That's why I was here in the
therapist's office, right?

"Was it mutual masturbation or more?" Daniel asked.

"He was very assertive towards me.  Almost a bully.  He let me look at
his Playboy and Penthouse magazines.  Then he was abusive.  He told me to
suck his cock.  I was scared.  He told me he would tell everyone I was a
queer if I didn't.  At the same time, I was very hard looking at all the
naked women in the magazines," remembering all this and telling it to
Daniel was making me hard.

"How many times did you have sexual encounters with this boy?"

"This went on for almost two years.  He'd tell me to come over when no
one was home at his place.  Sometimes it would be months between
episodes, other times it would be more than once in a week.  If it was a
long time between episodes, I would get hard just walking over to his
house, knowing what we were going to be doing with each other.  It was
scary yet very exciting.  We'd always look at the girlie magazines and
masturbate. When he brought out a new magazine I'd not seen before, it
was very, very exciting."

"Would you both ejaculate?  Did he ever ejaculate in your mouth?" Daniel
asked.  These questions were making me squirm yet also making me hard.

"At first, even though he made me suck his cock from the very first time,
we'd jack off to ejaculation all over ourselves.  It was about the third
time together he held my head over his cock and he ejaculated in my
mouth.  He told me I really was a queer for allowing me to take his semen
in my mouth.  I gagged on it and spit it out.  Then he touched my penis
and masturbated me over him, cumming on him, almost like a reward.  This
was in the summer so we had a lot of free time.  I'm thinking that summer
we got together at least a dozen times.  While it was me doing all the
sucking, he'd have us take our clothes off and be naked with each other.
 I liked being naked with him.  We were so hard seeing each other naked
and touching each other's cocks."

"One day early on in our encounters he pulled out a bra and panties and
told me to be a good girl and put these on.  He told me good girls
swallow when he came in my mouth.  It got to the point that it was a
given that every time he made me suck his cock he would ejaculate in my
mouth.  Putting on panties and a bra was intoxicating being naked there
touching his cock, sucking his cock.  It got to the point I looked
forward to wearing the bra and panties while sucking his cock.  It got to
the point where I looked forward to sucking his cock and would swallow
his semen without being forced to or being told to anymore.  I'm not sure
where he got the bra and panties, he was an only child and I don't think
they were his mother's.  Sometimes he would put lipstick on me, he said I
was pretty."  As I told Daniel all this, I was hard as stone, I wanted to
'whip it out' and jack off in front of him.

"When did things stop with this other boy?" Daniel asked, shifting in his
chair. I could not be sure but I was fairly certain he had an erection
after hearing all this from me.

"He moved away," was all I said.

"How did it make you feel when he moved away?  Did you feel sad that
these encounters ended?"

"I'm not sure exactly what I felt.  It was a naughty little secret that I
carried with me, so while there was a void with the physical sexual
encounters ending, there might have been a little relief that I could
move on.  When you are young, I don't think you dwell on this type of
secret," my own cock was still hard telling him all this.

"What about with girls?  How was your interaction with girls?," Daniel
went on.

"I loved girls.  They were all so pretty and it made me feel crazy being
around them. I knew what a pretty girl looked like from the Playboy
magazines, even though I had never seen one naked in the flesh. I was
clueless on how to get a girl, most girls ignored me. I was very skinny
and teased by both boys and girls that I was too pretty to be a boy.  All
the prettiest girls ignored me; they all went for the assertive types."

"The assertive types like the boy who made you suck his cock?"

"Yes, like Johnny," I spoke the name of my sexual tormentor.  "Girls
loved the macho asshole types.  I did not know how to act around girls, I
had no idea what I should be doing. Luckily, I had a group of friends and
I could blend in with them and some girls started being nice to me."

"When did you first have sexual intercourse with a girl?  How long after
Johnny moved away?"

"There was this girl, " I told Daniel.  "She had a boyfriend but he was
always a jerk to her.  I was always nice to her and we started dating.
 Her old boyfriend said something to me about it, but did not make a
scene over it. Eventually I had sex with this girl.  It was awkward but
it felt great.  I loved her naked body and her beautiful breasts. It was
well over two years after Johnny moved away. Everything I did with him I
tried to bury in my mind.  Before Johnny moved away he gave the oldest of
his girlie magazines.  I masturbated a lot before I dated that girl."

And with that, our session that day ended.  Katie was nice to me when I
got home, I had not told her I why I was seeing a therapist.  Her family
was big into therapy so it was simply something people did to "keep their
lives on track".  Uncharacteristically, we had sex that night in bed, she
actually initiated it.  Of late, I would not often push for sex as she
was rarely in the mood anymore.  Of course, when we did have sex all I
thought about was gay sex.  Touching Katie's body and beautiful little
titties was wonderful, her sweet little pussy tasted divine but when my
penis was inside her, only by thinking about gay sex could I stay hard.
 Only with me imagining having a myriad of homosexual acts with other men
could I ejaculate inside her.  Some of these homosexual thoughts were
fantasies, others were me remembering gay sex that I had with other men.

The therapy session the next week started off slow, I found it hard to
open up, but eventually I did.  Daniel had asked about Katie, how long I
had been married and about my mother and father while growing up in the
first session. This next session he went straight to the point.

"Would you like to tell me the history of your sexual encounters with
other males after Johnny?" he asked.

Wow, being honest with him, it was going to take a while.  I told him how
I had sex with other guys ever since I was eighteen. I loved girls, that
I never really felt or identified as gay but if I did not have a
girlfriend I would masturbate a  lot.  In between girlfriends I would
always find guys to have sex with.  It was easy back then with the gay
chat lines to find a guy, even if I had to drive way across town. Later
on, I lived with a straight roommate and he had stacks and stacks of
Playboy and other magazines piled in his room and spilling out of his
closet.  It was never spoken, but it was never a problem for me to borrow
and take a bunch of my favorite ones, the ones which I knew from the
cover of a particular issue, which particular magazine had the girls who
really turned me on the most.

There was a lot of masturbation going on with both me and my roommate
though we never, ever masturbated in each other's presence.  I'd
masturbate a lot being single.  In some of the Penthouse magazines there
were letters from readers about sexual exploits, occasionally there would
be a letter about guy on guy sex.  Those letters would turn me on the
most and I learned by the magazine cover, which ones had the guy on guy
sex letters, they were always my favorite to read and masturbate to.
 Sometimes my roommate would spend the night at his girlfriend's place
and I'd bring a guy over or I'd go out and hook up with a guy.  In the
years before I met Katie, I told Daniel that there were dozens upon
dozens of encounters that I had with other guys.

During this period, I told Daniel that I went out and bought panties and
lingerie for myself to wear when I would hook up with another guy, it
just felt natural to do this.  I remember buying panties at a lingerie
shop telling the female clerk the panties "were for my girlfriend", to
which I'm sure she wasn't believing.  I'd buy lingerie sets at big
department stores.  One hook up I remember vividly was when I wore a
complete bustier, pantie and stocking set under my guy cloths and hooking
up with a guy at his apartment.  After sneaking into his place while his
brother was asleep we had a hungry gay encounter with me in that
wonderful lingerie.  Being in panties and lingerie with another guy
always gave me a special sense of femininity and heightened my pangs of
feeling and acting gay.

Even after moving in with Katie while we were engaged, I would hook up
with guys wearing lingerie.  After we were married, I went quite a few
years with no gay sex and sex with Katie was actually fairly often and
exciting.  Then it seemed I would masturbate more often, whenever I
could, even though I had a pretty, petite, lovely wife.   I told Daniel
about how my crossdressing blossomed when Katie would spend occasional
weekends with her folks in another part of the state when I had to stay
back and work.  Needless to say, I told him, when dressed in high heels,
a dress, wig and makeup, sex with other men was becoming more common
place.

"This is an observation," Daniel said. "With all these many encounters
with other men, they seem to be all different men.  Were there no steady
relationships with the same man?"

"Not really," I offered.  "There was another married guy I saw two or
three times, but it was just clinical sex, no emotion or relationship.
 Almost like my solo masturbation but with another guy.  I think it's
called a 'jerk off buddy."  I was waiting for Daniel to say the cliched
therapist statement "very interesting", but he didn't.  He then made
another  comment.

"Your numerous same sex connections with other males appears to almost be
like an extension of your compulsive masturbation."  Daniel observed.
 "Whether it's solo masturbation or anonymous gay hookups, it seems one
is interchangeable with the other but it doesn't matter which is which."

"Perhaps," I replied meekly.

"I'm going to ask a few more questions, then that is probably it for our
time this week," Danial went on.  "First, describe what goes on in your
mind when you masturbate."

"Well," I started. "I have this incredible naughty arousal thinking about
being gay.  The thought of being naked with another guy, the thought of
sucking cock, the thought of kissing him, the visual images of cock, the
sight of semen, guys kissing, images of guys sucking cock or guys getting
fucked really turn me on and make me very hard when I masturbate. Smooth
naked twinks with no body hair and shaved genitals is my favorite porn to
watch when I masturbate.  I often think about past sexual encounters I
have had with other men while I'm masturbating."

"Images of women don't excite you anymore?" he asked.

"Oh no. Naked women really do excite me. They always have. Beautiful
chicks with long hair and perfect little breasts are so hot. Bikinis,
string bikinis, panties, lingerie, bras, women in dresses, girls topless
in jeans, sexy scantily clad women, uber sexy classy women really turn me
on.  I don't know why but seeing all of this with sexy women and in their
sexy clothing makes me feel every bit as gay as men do," I was getting
hard just relating this.

"You talk about kissing men, yet you have not indicated any romantic
involvement with other men, only sexual activity.  Tell me about this,"
Daniel inquired.

"Kissing another man has always made me as worked up and horny as any
other thing I have done with a man.  It's a horny obsessive passionate
urge that when I kiss a man, it heightens my sense of naughty
homosexuality.  Like you are not supposed to kiss another man yet it
feels so good, so right, so wonderfully exciting," my erection ached hard
in my pants as I said all this.

"Have you ever thought about what it would be like having a romantic
relationship with another man," Daniel went on.

"It's one on my biggest fantasies," I admitted. "You have no idea how
big."

"Oh really?" Daniel remarked, acting very surprised.

"I had an encounter with a guy that was hotter than all the rest. I still
am kicking myself for not getting his number.'

"That is quite a bit of information.  We'll have to pick this up next
week," Daniel commented.

With that I adjusted my quite noticeable stiff erection in my pants with
Daniel surely seeing it and I went home.  I masturbated that night at
home after Katie went to bed.  Unlike the week before, this evening she
was a bit disinterested in my state of mind.  Well actually, no, she just
had no idea what was going on in my mind, all the turmoil I felt telling
Daniel about my quite expansive sexual double life.  When I feel out of
sorts or something bothers me, I tend to masturbate excessively, more
excessive than my usual excessive masturbation.  In the morning after
Katie went to work, I called into work taking the morning off.  I took a
hot bath and shaved my legs and under arms.  I dug out my 'drag bag' from
hiding and put on high heels, silky pink panties and a silver spaghetti
strap cocktail dress.  With a long brunette wig and lipstick, I felt
sexy, hot, horny.

If it would have been a weekend night with Katie at her folks like she
does once or twice times a month I would have gone to a gay bar where I'd
get hit on for sure.  But it was a weekday morning and I had to settle
for jacking off to gay porn on the laptop.  Between that morning and my
next session with Daniel I masturbated at least once a day, most days
more.  Even with a pleasant sex romp with Katie on Saturday morning
(where my homosexual thoughts were over the top horny and Katie remarked
"how very frisky" I was after fucking the daylights out of her), I
masturbated Saturday night after she went to bed and again Sunday morning
while she was at the gym.  Yeah, going to therapy was really rocking my
boat as I confronted all my demons and misdeeds in Daniels's office.

"Let's see where we left off last time," Daniel said as we began the next
forty-five-minute session.  "You talked about kissing another man and
have fantasies of a romantic relationship with another man.  You told me
about a man that you wish was more than a one time encounter,"  Wow, he
had a great memory of exactly where we left off, or took good notes or
was fascinated with the closet homosexual spilling the beans in his
office.

"Before we get started on that, you told me what went on in your mind
when you masturbated, I also meant to ask you what your feelings were
when you had sex in the flesh with another man."

"It's exciting having sex with another man. Being naked with a guy,
seeing and touching his hard cock, kissing him makes me go crazy. The
obsessive horny sensation of sucking cock is a feeling I can't get enough
of. I love the taste of cock, the scent of cock, the feeling of sucking a
guy's cock.  I love the naughty nastiness of being that guy who sucks
another guy's cock. It's obsessive sucking another guy's cock, having my
face in another guy's genitals, licking his balls, licking his cock,
sucking his cock, pleasuring him like a girl is supposed to do.  Kissing
another guy makes me feel just as gay as sucking his cock.  Some guys
don't like to kiss, and only like to play with each other's cocks.  I've
learned to be more selective," I told him, again with quite an erection
in my pants while telling him this.

"Selective?" Daniel asked.

"I've found that the more feminine I am with a guy the more likely he
will be passionate with me and return my affectionate femininity as we
kiss.   Many married men would never think of having sex with another man
but sex with a crossdresser excites them no end.  For a married man
having a femme crossdressing male suck their cock, it is very exciting,
especially if their wives have lost interest in sex."

"That's something I wanted to ask, is about your crossdressing during
homosexual encounters.  What does it make you feel like?"

"It feels natural, wonderful.  The sensation is beyond compare.  I'm not
sure how to express this so it makes sense, but to act and feel faggy and
femme with another guy is something that drives our closet sexuality.
 Crossdressers who have sex with other males, we embrace being called a
faggot or a sissy.  We love acting out our gay femininity to masculine
males, we love being sought after for sex, to be desired for sex," I told
him this using 'we' as me being part of the community of sissy cross
dressers.

"How do you balance your closet feminine homosexuality while acting
straight to your wife and the rest of the world?" Daniel asked.  "As much
as I thought I knew about sexuality, I must say I'm fascinated."

"Being a closet sissy faggot means you open a door and step into a
fantasy sex world that no one close to you knows about.  You then play
act out your deepest darkest most forbidden taboo homosexual longings.
 You can be swishy, limp wristed and faggy and femme, the type of
behavior that is derided and made fun of by straight folks.  When it's
over you step out of that secret world and close the door behind you,
acting as is nothing out of the ordinary has transpired." I was pleased
to give Daniel such an accurate assessment.

"Excuse me for so many questions, but really talking with you about all
this is more in depth and complex than I could ever imagine, for a
married man, especially." Daniel said with an inquisitive look on his
face.

"I'm all yours, s-thir," I said with a fake animated gay lisp as I
playfully gave a limp wrist and looked over at him with a glowing smile.

"What about anal sex?  That is something we have not touched on.  I'm
assuming with you being femme you are mainly a bottom?" Daniel was happy
to demonstrate some degree of LGBTQ knowledge.  "is that something you
have engaged in?  It is not something that has been brought up."

"We can talk about that.  It's something that I don't have a lot of
experience with and may have shied away from because of sexual hygiene
and safety, especially being married and not wanting to bring anything
home with me.  There were a few very wonderful times that I really
enjoyed being on the receiving end of intercourse.  Actually a few years
before I met Katie, I snuck that guy into my room while my straight
roommate was asleep.  We hit it off right away.  Lots of passionate,
hungry kissing.  Once we were naked together our bodies melted into each
other as we kissed and pulled on each other's cocks.  We licked and
sucked each other's cocks, for some reason it was just one of the best
gay hookups I had ever had."

"In quiet determination I went down on the guy as he was sprawled across
my bed.  With his cock in my mouth I lovingly sucked him off till he
ejaculated in my mouth.  I sucked down every drop of semen from his cock,
then bathed his cock and balls with my mouth and tongue. When I returned
to his arms we kissed and nuzzled lovingly in the darkness for the
longest time, it was fantastic gay sex, we really hit it off.  It was
over an hour later of rolling around, kissing, being intimate and loving
and playing with each other's cocks and he was hard again and I had yet
to come.  I told him I wanted him to fuck me and I slipped a condom over
his cock and climbed on top of him.  His cock slid right in and we fucked
till we both came.  There was no lingerie or women's clothing involved
but I felt so very feminine."

"As he was dressing and getting ready to leave I had some lingerie
catalogs laying on the floor, I told him I wanted to be like that for
him.  When we parted I'm not sure why I did not get his phone number, we
both had such a wonderful time.  I'm still kicking myself for not getting
his number.  I ran into him at a restaurant a few months later and we
both knew who the other one was, we saw the acknowledgement in our eyes.
 I was with someone, as was he, so we could not talk or reconnect.  I
know we would have dated if I had only gotten his number."

"Those times really heightened my sense of femininity and tie into a lot
of my gay wife fantasies," I let slip a bit about what was really going
on in my psyche.  "I should let you read some of my stories. Then you
will really have an insight of how my evil mind really thinks."

"Stories?" Daniel asked with a perplexed look on his face.

"I write porn stories to help me express my sexuality and deal with my
homosexual feelings.  It gives me an outlet where I might otherwise go
crazy, especially trying to deal with and balance living in the closet.
 I'll send you the links to my stories.  You can read up on me if they
are not offensive to you.  They might give you a much clearer picture of
my twisted psyche."  If I sent him the stories, it would be doubtful that
he might actually read them.

"Tell me what they are about.  Is there a common theme to them?" Daniel
pressed.

"The story titles should give you a clue about my fantasy world.  I told
you I longed for an intimate relationship with a man though I had never
really been in one or had a boyfriend.  One is called "The Homosexual
Sissy Wife" another is "Looking For A Husband".  Right there, it should
raise some flags.  The stories are very gay, very indulgent and a lot of
explicit gay pornographic sex.   Even stories that don't have such
obvious titles have the thread of being a boy wife to a man run through
them."  Telling him this I could tell his mind was racing to keep up with
all this new information.

"Not to change the subject, but another thing I meant to ask was what
about transgender thoughts?  Do you feel like a woman? Do you identify as
trans?" Daniel was having a hard time keeping up with all I had revealed.

"Not at all," I replied.  "I know I'm male and have no desire to live
truly as a woman despite my love of being feminine and my gay wife or boy
wife fantasies.  I love the faggy and femme aspect, it's exciting to be
that type of homosexual, knowing you are the feminine one, the bottom as
you mentioned.  Many twinks are feminine bottom faggots with no lingerie
or makeup.  A boy wife is understood to be the feminine partner in a gay
relationship taking the feminine submissive role who receives sex, who
takes cock rather than gives it.  For me being a boy wife is a wonderful
ideal of being desired for sex, being desired for acting femme to accept
a man's masculine intentions towards you where you receive sex rather
than initiate sex.  My gay wife, boy wife fantasies are interchangeable
and being feminine in clothing and mannerism are simply an aspect of my
faggy homosexual desires."

"So, you'd rather have the role of a wife than a husband?" he asked.

"Pretty much, yes. Twisted, I know. In my straight marriage I do maintain
a traditional male husband's role.  If I had a steady relationship with a
man, I would assume the role as the feminine partner.   I love the
thought of being desired by a man as feminine for sexual purposes," was
my honest response.

"Your wife has no idea?  Do you think that these desires to play the
feminine role to another man are affecting your marriage?" Daniel was
still trying to wrap his head around the enormous complexity of my
sexuality and how my hiding it from my wife was impacting the marriage.

"I'm pretty sure she does not. Katie and I have had lengthy talks while
doing the dishes together about gay people and homosexuality.  She's very
open and understanding about gay people and even transvestites. Eddie
Izzad is one of her favorite comedians and she thinks his transvestism is
cute, amusing, okay. People who have sex changes is something she does
not understand, or how a male would have surgery to become a woman.  I
subtly tried to explain that many trans women enjoy having a penis rather
than surgery.  A chastity device over the penis is common for TS women.
 Homosexual men have an insatiable desire for sex even if one is a very
feminine partner or a TS partner.  I tried telling Katie this in a manner
that she would not suspect my own homosexual desires and experiences.  I
don't think she suspects anything.  I could be wrong but it seems that
for women in a marriage, sex loses its luster as the years go on.  Sex
becomes more of a necessary chore to mollify her husband's sexual needs,
even if her desire for sex has waned."

"Do you view yourself as gay? And if you do, have you thought about
coming out?" Daniel asked pointedly.

"That's kind of why I'm here, trying to sort things out, don't you
think?" I responded throwing the obvious back at him with out being too
rude.

With that the session for the week ended. When Daniel asked if I viewed
myself as gay and if I thought about coming out, it unsettled me quite a
bit.  That was much of the reason I went to see him in the first place,
to reconcile my sexuality being married to Katie yet so obsessed with
crossdressing and gay sex. I did forward on the links to the stories I
had written to Daniel, knowing it was unlikely that he'd read them. Katie
went up to her folks for the weekend but I did nothing more than
masturbate while she was gone as I was in a state of flux seeing a
therapist and my mood told me to keep things simple.

The next session I was rather subdued, rather blah, unsure of myself and
my situation. Daniel was an above average guy, taller and bigger than me,
he may have been an athlete in college.  He always dressed "business
casual" in a crisp white or light blue Oxford shirt with no tie.
 Sometimes he wore a beige polo shirt and usually wore khaki pants and
loafers, sometimes without socks.  His brown hair was cut fairly short
and he wore clear framed glasses.  This next session he wore a very deep
lavender Oxford shirt, which seemed like it was new or a gift.

"Nice shirt," I commented as we began our session.

"Thank you, maybe too loud for my style.  I can roll with it today.  A
gift from the wife, so I have to wear it at least once right?" he said,
confirming my impression.  "I thought you might like it. Anyway, how was
your week," he asked as we began.

"It was pretty uneventful," I told him.  "The week before than this past
week I was a lot hornier and masturbated a lot more than last week."

"Why do you think that was?" Daniel asked.

"Not sure," I replied.  "Sometimes my horniness and excitement level
comes in waves," which was true, just a blah week.

"Well I read some of your stories,"  Daniel told me, much to my surprise.
 "Well written and very erotic.  And yes you were right, they do give me
a very clear snapshot of your sexual psyche."

"Hopefully they did not make you masturbate behind your wife's back, like
I do to gay erotica," I joked with him.  He gave me a shocked look.

"That is a rude, very inappropriate statement, Bobby.  I will pretend
that you did not say that. We can get started."  Daniel said, seeming put
off.  Wow, I must have hit a nerve and then was rather ashamed of myself
for saying what I did.

"Today I think rather than me leading with questions, I will leave it up
to you to talk about whatever is on your mind," Daniel said with obvious
agitation and displeasure in his voice, apparently an effect from my
comment. It was much more than simple clinical aloofness.

Again I was very embarrassed about what I had said and wanted to crawl
into a hole.  There were quite a few minutes of silence as my social faux
pas killed my usually exuberant mood talking about my sexuality and waves
of shame washed over me.  Shame about my rude flippant comment to him,
shame about my closet homosexuality, shame about hiding everything from
Katie, being a faggy femme gay crossdresser behind her back while she
stood up for me and was nearly always kind and supportive to me.  When I
came into this day's session I was not as upbeat as I usually was, but
now rather than speak, tears welled up in my eyes. I tried to fight back
my tears, but my sobbing burst out as I ashamedly broke down in front of
Daniel.

The weight of a lifetime of acting out my sexuality from the closet,
living a lie, came crashing down on me.  Up until this point I was
strangely proud of the in-depth gay erotica I had written about my boy
wife fantasies and tales of homosexual longings. I was perhaps a little
smug that I maintained a dual life as a closet homosexual with such
undiscovered ease.  Now I was crushed, I felt like a fraud, a fake, a
sneaky behind her back sleaze ball more interested in getting my rocks
off than being a good person, a good husband.  Daniel sat there in
concerned silence.  I could not help my continued sobbing, I'm sure as a
therapist he'd seen this with clients many times.  I felt lightheaded and
disoriented like the world was spinning.  I felt like I did once as a
child when I ran into a fence riding my bike where it nearly knocked me
out and my world was spinning as I was crying and my older brother was
trying to bring me back to consciousness.

Finally, the sobbing subsided, but I still hurt inside and the ache in my
psyche pulsated. I did not really know where I was or who I was.  I guess
the best way to describe it was an emotional car crash; the doors were
ripped off and I went into the dashboard, making it out alive but in
physical and emotional shock from the impact.

"I can't go on anymore, today," I bleated out, embarrassed about saying
this in a sobbing weak voice, embarrassed I had melted down like this in
front of him.

"We can stop and continue this next week," Daniel asked.  "I won't charge
you for today."

"That would be best," I said, as Daniel handed me some Kleenex.  Through
the sniffles and dripping snot, my bleary red eyes not looking him in the
eyes, I sheepishly left.

When I got home, luckily Katie was not there yet.  I was a zombie and
everything felt unreal and strange.  When Katie got home she knew
something was wrong and was kind and sweet but knew to keep her distance.
We had Chinese food delivered and had a quiet night.  I actually slept
soundly but was still somewhat of a zombie till the weekend.  My chronic
masturbation ceased and I tried to maintain at work, though some people
asked if I was okay.  I emailed Daniel and told him I was ending therapy.
 It took me over two weeks before I was really myself again.  Katie was
kind and loving and did not pry about what was bothering me.  I did not
press her to have sex which I'm sure she thought was strange as I usually
"tried to get lucky" at least once a week if not more up until that
point.

She was nice and initiated sex on the weekends and with me pretty much
stopping masturbation behind her back, our love making was wonderful and
intense.  Still, though I tried to fight it, during sex with Katie my
fantasy thoughts about gay sex were as powerful as ever.  For me to be
able to climax inside her, it was only by thinking about kissing men,
sucking cock or being some man's boyfriend or wife. Some of my most
powerful climaxes inside Katie were of me fantasizing about being in
chastity being sexualized by another man. This made me wonder why
thoughts of being in chastity turned me on so much, was it a subconscious
desire to dampen the flame of my homosexual desires and punish me for
them?  Thoughts of homosexual scenes during sex with Katie always made
sex wonderful and was the only way I could achieve climax.

The fact that my chronic masturbation ended and I was not actively
seeking a clandestine homosexual encounter told me that my time in
therapy must have helped.  My meltdown in Daniels office must have been a
catharsis, so in some ways I felt like I righted the ship.  When Katie
went to visit her folks, I went with her one weekend and was mostly good
when she was away other times.  Mostly good meant no crossdressing and no
sex with other men, though old habits die hard and I had some very
intense jack off sessions to gay porn wearing panties, though I felt
guilty afterwards and tried to put it out of my mind.

Life with Katie had settled back into a good routine and it seemed I had
mostly vanquished my demons of excessive masturbation and anonymous gay
sex.  Rarely did I do any cross dressing and while I had been
masturbating now and then in a pair of panties, it was a fraction of what
I was doing before.  In a stroke of fate I met a guy at the coffee shop I
frequented and he slowly and kindly was hitting on me.  I was flattered
and felt like a teenage girl from the attention.  This unexpected gay
prospect threw me for a loop and I fought it for the longest time.  In my
back and forth in emails with Rick I let on about my past sexual flings
while I cross-dressed.  Though I loved the attention from him and the
prospect of hooking up, being married with things going fairly well, it
was crushing me with guilt.  I wanted him so bad and told him "if only"
and to understand my situation.

Rick was not pushy and said he understood and was recently divorced.  He
told me to take my time, if things were right to move forward, I would
know when that was.  His kind, sly patience must have done the trick.
 One weekend with Katie out of town I gave in and went over to Rick's
place for drinks.  We talked for an hour or so on his couch when I gave
in and leaned into him for a kiss. Our passions exploded, so kissing him
brought everything I had been fighting to the surface, but it was too
late to stop.  I had worn panties and stockings under my clothes so when
Rick took me to bed I was right back to where I always loved to be -
femme and faggy with a man.  Through our conversations and emails he knew
of my feminine homosexual leaning.  This was unlike my previous anonymous
gay hook ups in that after talking and communicating with him for months
we knew each other.  It was a fabulous sexual encounter; kissing,
nuzzling, groping and fondling of cocks, frotting cocks together.

Admittedly Rick's mouth on my penis felt divine in our homosexual
sixty-nine.  Another man's mouth on your penis and balls is so unlike
that of a woman's; a man's mouth is tingly horny passion where with most
women it is merely tepid wetness.  Katie would rarely put it in her mouth
barely holding it inside for very long and certainly never really sucking
or *gasp* sucking me off.  I whispered lovingly in Rick's ear to make
love to me and as he penetrated me with my legs spread my own cock was
throbbing.

Of all the gay encounters I ever had, getting fucked by Rick was one of
the best experiences.  His ejaculation inside me and my own ejaculation
as I masturbated furiously with him fucking were two remarkable climaxes.
 My hookup with Rick broke new ground in that I had never slept with
another man the entire night, always just anonymous "wham bam thank you
man" hookups. In the morning Rick made love to me again in our new found
sexual union.   He was kind and sweet to me as we relished the incredible
sensation of our gay relationship; it felt so natural and right despite
that I was married.  Our homosexual affair was ongoing for several months
now with me actually having a boyfriend for the first time in my life,
even though we'd only get together once a week, if that.

With an ongoing relationship with Rick I was back beyond the place I was
when I broke therapy off with Daniel.  My guilt and shame of having a gay
affair behind Katie's back was no less troubling though it did not seem
to affect me in the ways in did before.  I was calmer and rationalized
living in two worlds, still not knowing really what I should be doing
about it or where it would lead or would it blow up in my face with an
emotional meltdown like that last session with Daniel.  During this time
the dynamic of my relationship with Katie and the nature of our sexual
interaction was changing.  Katie's closest friend for college had
recently moved back to the area with her husband.  And no, it's not what
you are thinking, no, it was not us four being 'swinging' couples, not
even close.  And no, Katie did not have a lesbian affair with her friend
Leslie.

Katie hung out with Leslie as a close friend but we rarely socialized
together as two couples.  Leslie's influence was that of a very close
friend with very strong opinions of most everything in the world,
including sex and marriage.  Her take was that the longer you are married
the more you need to "step outside the box" in the bedroom with your
husband to keep him happy and keep the marriage lively.   Her opinion was
if you keep hubby happy in the bedroom, he'll more likely be a better
husband in all parts of marriage.  She was a much more a "new age"
thinker than Katie's still rather conservative mindset.  Katie thought
the world of Leslie, it was as tight of a girlfriend bond as there ever
was. Eventually Katie bought into Leslie's suggestion of asking me what
would be more exciting to do in bed and for me to pick out a sex toy that
might spice things up.

This whole new bent in our relationship very much took me by surprise.  I
seemed to masturbate more lately and now was getting top shelf gay sex on
the side. I did not push for sex with Katie like I did earlier in our
marriage.  I'm sure in 'girlfriend talks' Katie relayed to Leslie my
interest in marital sex was rather flat.  Honestly it shocked and scared
me that this was happening as I had been floating along with the status
quo of masturbation, gay sex with Rick and occasional sex with Katie.
 Naturally, after Katie sparked this new interest in sex, I bought her
more lingerie (like she needed any more with all I had bought her through
the years, much of which I was often wore myself behind her back in years
past).  It was a different type of guilt I felt now; guilt that I did not
deserve this special attention she was plying me with while I was
masturbating and having clandestine gay sex.  Knowing it was in the best
interest of our marriage and would certainly be an exciting augmentation
to my seemingly insatiable libido, I played along.

Deep down, I wanted Katie to peg me with a strap-on or at least a dildo
but was afraid it would reveal the true nature of my homosexual desires.
 Deep down, I wanted her to put me in panties and lingerie and play with
me, but knew that would not be the best idea for now.  What I did bring
into the bedroom was a stiff, graduated anal bead string.  Small, hard
clear pink silicone beads at the end getting bigger up the string.  That
day in bed, Katie was amused poking the lubed anal toy up my butt and how
it sent me off in a spastic world of desire, pre cum gushing out the tip
of my penis as she probed the toy in me and played with my penis.  If she
would have gone on much longer I would have ejaculated a geyser of semen
all over myself.  Sensing this, she climbed on top of me as my stiffness
filled her still tight pussy.  Katie rode me like a cowgirl but with all
the prior stimulation I did not last long and came wildly up into her.
 Katie's own arousal and agitation was unsatisfied as she continued to
grind her pussy onto my spent penis as I reached up and played with her
lovely little titties.

Wanting to repay her for her kindness, I pulled her up onto my face as
she then ground her cum laden pussy onto my eager mouth and tongue.  I'm
not sure it registered with her that I was licking my own cum out of her
pussy, surely it was, as I can't ever remember her in a more agitated
state grinding her pussy into my face.  The taste of her pussy was
divine, even more so as I lapped the tanginess of my own semen, it made
the eagerness of licking her sweetness so lovingly erotic.  Finally she
stiffened and moaned in shuddering climax, the likes of a climax I would
be hard pressed to recall her ever cumming so hard and heated.   As she
climbed off and snuggled next to me, we reveled in the amazement of the
event with her purring and being lovey dovey.  We dozed off in our loving
daze for a short while in unhurried post coital bliss with no urgency to
do anything else but enjoy the moment.  Unlike most sex romps with Katie
in the past few years where it was 'fuck, cum, then hurry out of bed' to
mundane activities, we stayed snuggled in our rekindled intimate
connection.  She was lovely in her nakedness with the light pink string
bikini panties she had been wearing lying next to me on the bed.

The taste and scent of her pussy on my lips and face with the remembrance
of how hot it was licking my cum from her pussy stirred my ever active
libido. I lifted the panties in my hand, admiring them.  I then began
fondling her lovely naked breasts with the soft silky light pink panties,
stirring a renewed arousal in both of us.  We kissed madly like we had
not done in years as I continued to caress her sweet little titties with
the panties.  In a fit of desire I rose up over Katie and pressed my
penis into her breasts and the panties draped over them, titty fucking my
lovely wife through the panties.

What I really wanted to do was put the panties on and then titty fuck her
soft sweet little titties.  Choosing not to, I did the next best thing
that would not necessarily give away my true kinky desires. I hooked my
erect penis through one of the openings of the panties. The panties hung
from my cock as they draped over her titiies.  As she reached up to rub
the panties into my cock, we marveled at the sight and the sensation it
was producing.  Katie rubbing her panties into my penis was generating
untold pleasure and delight.  Having her panties on my penis with her
participating rather than me masturbating with her panties behind her
back was rather new to me.  The incredible ache and hardness only
increased as I pressed my pantie adorned penis back onto her lovely
breasts, I humped madly fearing I might be losing my mind in stimulation.
 The thought of cumming all over her breasts and then licking it off was
certainly part of my ever aroused imagination.

Katie did not seem to mind my erotic tittie humping, as the scent of her
pussy still on my face urged me to fall toward her pussy for another
taste.  I madly licked at her femininity from above as she resumed
rubbing my penis with her panties, amused at what a sexual stir rubbing
her panties on my penis had caused in me.  Licking at her pussy while she
rubbed my erect penis with her panties?  OMG, my arousal was blasting off
into sub orbital flight.  Laying back I pulled her over me, licking
hungrily at her sex as she was then on top of me in a sixty-nine. While I
could not fault her for not obscenely sucking my cock like a man would
do, she did take me in her mouth and licked at my balls tickling them
with a sweet feminine wetness. Actually taking on the role of a husband,
I pulled up and around and mounted my wife, my hands on her soft titties
before kissing her hungrily, I was possessed with lust and desire. She
clutched at me with her finger nails digging into my flesh as I humped
madly into her.

After many horny long minutes of thrusting into Katie I spied the anal
bead string laying on the bed and was beyond any level of false
embarrassed modesty.  I handed her the anal toy and pulled her hand
towards my butt giving Katie a pretty good indication of what I wanted
her to do. I slowed down to allow her to fidget the anal beads up my
tender, still greased hole.  Once the stiff toy started poking and
tickling my anus, my eager fucking of my skinny little wife continued.
 The helter skelter of the anal beads poking up my butt coupled with
eroticism of how much I truly loved fucking my pretty wife, I bucked and
humped into Katie with the ever present fantasies of gay sex in my mind.
 With a loud moaning "uhhhhhnnnnn", I "cummed" powerfully into my wife as
she urged me on poking the naughty toy up her hubby's butt.

As we collapsed into each other, the renewal of our sexual bond left us
both quite sated.  It had been many years since we had sex twice in one
day let alone twice in little over an hour.  We had fucked three times on
the last day of our honeymoon, but that was years ago.  A change came
over our relationship as this reconnecting in the sack led to a warmer
and loving, attentive, more joyful pleasant air in our lives.  I'm sure
Katie reported back to Leslie the results of the bedroom fireworks and
the change in our relationship.  Leslie seemed friendly and pleased that
her intent-ing had worked its magic, with a sly smirk when I saw her the
first time after Katie and I began fucking again like teenagers.  My
masturbation habits dropped off the radar for the most part as I did not
want to diminish my libido with Katie in bed by wasting my arousal
jacking off behind her back.  I put Rick on hold, to his dismay but not
his surprise, thinking he lost interest and found another boyfriend who
was more available.

With all this positive change I was still somewhat troubled inside,
afraid that some unknown spark would destroy the equilibrium that had
settled into my life.  Did my lifelong bouts of compulsive masturbation
and closet homosexuality cause the of lack of flame in our sex life or
did the lack of flame in our sex life pour gasoline onto the fire of my
chronic masturbation and compulsive gay sex?  Even though I could easily
act like a flaming faggot in bed with another man, was I bisexual rather
than gay because of my love for Katie?  Was all of this because I was
molested as a boy, made to suck cock in a bra and panties, masturbating
and looking at girlie magazines?  Was I simply a selfish creep that was
ruled by my penis rather than my brain?  Was it true that if you ever
sucked cock and enjoyed it that it would stay with you all your life and
the desire to suck cock would never leave you? It has been said cross
dressing and homosexuality are closely related, was that true with me?

With all this still rumbling around in my head I decided to go back in
therapy to clear my mind.  It was a little over a year when I contacted
Daniel about resuming therapy.  Nothing was urgent was bothering me but I
felt something was unresolved inside. He was surprised and happy to hear
from me as this first session back was a bit awkward with the usual "how
ya doing, how have you been" talk.  A year is a long time and people can
easily change in that time, I know I must have.  Daniel seemed changed as
well.  His hair was still short, he still wore the same glasses and was
still handsome with the same casual, professional appearance.  Something
had changed, though it took a little while to register.

Rather than a white or light blue Oxford shirt, he was wearing a deep
pink hued Oxford shirt.  It was a man's shirt, looked expensive and had
his initials, DKJ, embroidered in black on the pocket.  I wondered if he
wore it because he knew I was coming in.  He had worn the bright lavender
shirt the day I melted down at the last session.  His sleeves were rolled
up to the middle of his forearm and he had small silver bracelets on both
wrists with a matching silver chain necklace on.  When I was seeing him
before, he never wore any jewelry, only a simple gold wedding band.
 Today, there was no wedding band.  In some ways today felt like a role
reversal; he seemed nervous and fidgety while I was calm and at ease.
 Once the talking started it was apparent why he seemed nervous.

"I want to apologize for snapping at you our last session," Daniel told
me.

"It was I that made a rude comment about you and your wife," I replied.
 "Then you put me in my place, as you should have and it made the charade
of my double life come crashing down on me.  Isn't a good meltdown one of
the benefits of therapy, to lay bare your emotions, so you can connect
with what bothers you and move on?"

"You are being too kind," Daniel said.  "After you left in tears that
last session, it bothered me, but not for the reasons you might think.
 When you ended the therapy sessions, I was crushed.  I wanted to contact
you and apologize, but that would have been inappropriate.  Again it was
not what you might think.  I have clients breakdown and stop therapy,
that is part of this profession.  With you it was different.  There are
some underlying reasons why it affected me so strongly.  I want to
explain.  Let's not consider this a session.  I won't bill you.  Let's
consider this just a talk among friends.  I have no more appointments the
remainder of the day.  I might be doing more talking than you.  I might
be pouring out to you as you have done with me."

"O.....kay....?," I answered not expecting this or knowing where this
might lead.

"I have a lot to say, so bear with me," Daniel said, sitting back, in the
posture of a client not of a therapist.  He fidgeted with a pencil as he
spoke.  "Dealing with patients with relationship issues, with sexual
issues, with self destructive behavior is my specialty in this
profession.  Therapists are human as well and these same areas that I
treat can also affect us.  When you first came in it took a while to get
to know you and I thought I was observing a classic case of childhood
molestation, based on what you told me about your experience with the boy
who molested you.  Incidents like that can affect a person the entirety
of their life and that may be the case with you."

"From what I know in my own research, and I am not a therapist, I feel
what I did with Johnny influenced my cross dressing as well as my
closeted homosexual behavior.  By engaging at that age in clandestine
homosexual acts with the additional element of women's lingerie, it may
be fairly easy to pinpoint the cause of the behavior I did in adult life.
 Ridding myself of my demons and moving on in a positive manner is why I
came to see you.  Sorry to interrupt, go on," I said, pleased to
demonstrate my grasp of my situation, yet still baffled by Daniel's
apparent role reversal in our conversation.

"You are correct," he went on. "Bear with me.  I have several confessions
to make in our interaction with each other.  In this profession there are
a few cardinal sins.  One is covered by the client/therapist agreement
that we both signed that protects us with the explicit stipulation that
therapist and client do not engage in any intimate or sexual activity
with each other.  That is the big one, a therapist can lose everything -
loss of license, lawsuits, loss of revenue.  That's why we are not in
session today, not because I want engage in intimate activity with you, I
just want to talk to you person to person.  The second cardinal sin is
becoming emotionally attached to a client.  Of that I am more than
guilty.  I fought it. I knew it was building.  Hearing your episodes, the
nature of your sexuality, the way you described your feelings when you
engaged in anonymous one time sexual encounters and how you wished for a
steady, intimate homosexual relationship with someone, that touched me.
 I felt that for you, not that I wanted to be your steady homosexual
lover, but that I felt it for you that you so deserved a steady gay
lover, rather than grasping with so many anonymous hook ups."

"Are YOU gay?" I asked trying not to be rude or defensive that he was so
sensitive about my gay longings.

"I am not.  That does not mean my feelings and sexuality are not
conflicted as well. It might take me a while to explain everything to
you." Daniel went on.

"Again, not to interrupt, but I have a confession that relates to what
you just said.  We have not spoken in over a year.  In that time I had a
gay romance, a steady boyfriend for the first time in my life.  It's over
now, I think," I couldn't exactly tell what look he had on his face as I
told him this.

"I am pleased for you, wherever it leads," he said after I told him about
Rick.  Daniel went on.  "I am emotionally attached to you, not
necessarily because I am attracted to you, and I am, but because many of
your experiences I share from the other perspective.  I was sexually
involved with a boy who was in lingerie.  I was 25 and he was 18.  I did
not molest him, nor was I the aggressor. He was my roommate's little
brother and we all knew each other quite well. We teased him about being
girly.  He was visiting and he crawled into bed with me one morning after
his brother went at work. Kenny, my roommates brother was wearing panties
and a camisole and also wearing lipstick and makeup.  You are the first
person I ever told this to.  This experience has been with me for many
years.  I don't consider myself gay or even bisexual but I do admit I
very much enjoyed this homosexual affair with this boy.  It was not a one
time romp in bed."

"Our liaison stretched over the span of about seven years. I was even
dating my wife Candice during the last two years I was involved with
Kenny.  Everything you love about being feminine to another male, faggy,
as you call it, that was Kenny.  He was a mincing, femme show off who
loved being girly and gay for me.  When we were in bed togeter, he said
he knew why all the girls were after me.  Like you, he was in the closet
through all of this.  In the convoluted world of sexuality, closet
homosexual affairs are the most intriguing, the most magnetic, the
strongest pull in the psyche of sexuality.  I know this because I studied
them in school, what little they really had studies on, and I experienced
these affairs in the flesh. You must know this very well.  Kenny
experienced with me what you wanted but never had, a steady relationship
with another male to act out his feminine homosexuality.  All guys
masturbate, some more than others, I rarely did during this time as I had
Kenny to service me and it felt great.  I was getting lucky all the time
with him, but I could tell no one.  So with girls, I was not so pushy
with sex and they threw themselves at me, Candice certainly did."

I was in some ways very surprised about Daniel's revelation, on another
level I had always felt Daniel was very in tune with what I was telling
him in therapy.  There was a bit of awkward silence as we looked at each
other.  With Daniel revealing he knew what it was like to have sex with a
feminine homosexual, that really complicated things.  As a therapist he
would no longer be an impartial, unbiased, neutral observer, he would see
things from my side of the fence.  With my much better relationship and
improved sex life with Katie, I did not feel the urgency to masturbate or
seek gay sex.  I felt better about myself by being loyal and true to
Katie, rather than if I strayed too far with too much masturbation or
thoughts of seeking gay sex.  I did not want my erratic wayward past to
influence the much better today I had with Katie or to ruin all the
tomorrows.  In rummaging through all this in my mind, I knew this would
more than likely be the last time I would come to Daniel for a session.
 Off hand, I made a comment based on how things struck my today.

"Did you wear that shirt because of me?" I asked.

"Yes." Daniel replied sheepishly.

"The lavender shirt on the day I melted down, also?"

"Guilty," he whispered.

"You don't have your wedding ring on. Is that something you want to talk
about?" I asked, now feeling very much like I was the therapist.

"We're separated.  Have been since shortly after the last time you were
in here.  We've been seeing each other much more lately and we are
getting back together," Daniel told me with a bit of bright sadness in
his eyes.

"You said earlier there were several confessions you had for me.  The
other confession?  Is that something you are able to tell me?" Again, I
was the therapist asking Daniel to spill the beans.

I did not feel smug about this role reversal, but I did feel a sense of
buoyancy that in my mind that I would not need therapy with Daniel
anymore.  I felt that I had put my life back on a positive track on my
own, with having not been to therapy for over a year.  Perhaps a big
assist should go to Leslie for her influence on Katie and my
relationship, with me knowing how razor thin it was, the things that
brought about positive change.  Something like being kinder and more in
tune with each other's sexual needs and emotional togetherness, based
simply on improved bedroom activities, was something I knew could go
south in a hurry with one misstep or one innocent misunderstanding.  At
least I felt no fear or negativity that I could maintain this equilibrium
with Katie.

"Telling you this will be very hard, but I want to get it off my chest.
 I'm so glad you're here, I honestly thought I'd never see you again and
would have to live with my guilt," Daniel was fidgeting with the pencil
again as he spoke.  "This goes back to the stories you wrote.  Perhaps
you should never have sent them and perhaps I should never have read
them, but I did.  I told you about my relationship with Kenny.  He was
the only guy I ever had a same sex relationship with.  When you told me
about your life and sexual experiences I was more than fascinated, I was
enthralled at a remarkable similar connection we shared from both sides
of the equation.  Honestly, some of the people that come in here tell me
stupid boring stuff - "my wife doesn't love me any more so I bought a new
truck" or "my dad ignored me so I slept around a lot", occasionally I
will get sex or gambling addicts in here.  What I told you about my
affair with Kenny, it made everything you told me about your life sound
like the sweetest wine hearing you tell these things.  I perked up and
loved every word I heard from you about your life.  I don't think you
noticed, I did my best to hide my fascination."

"Now, getting back to the stories you wrote, I must have read nearly
every one of them you had posted on that site, some of them two or three
times.  Your grasp at erotic detail is beyond compare.  How could I read
these stories and not get aroused? I was so hard it hurt. I'd stay up
late after Candice went to bed and yes I did masturbate to the stories.
 Many times.  I'm not generally a masturbator and my sex life with
Candice was decent up to that point.  But your stories hooked me.  In the
six days from when I started reading the stories and when you came back
that last day, I had masturbated to them easily over a dozen times."

"When you made the the comment about me masturbating to them behind my
wife's back, you called my bluff without even knowing it.  Maybe you did
know the stories would make me masturbate to them, you have to know they
are lovely erotica and reading gay porn is not on my reading list. At
least it wasn't till I started reading your stories.  When you made that
comment about me masturbating to your gay stories behind Candice's back,
it freaked me out, I snapped at you and responded the way I did.  Then
when you fell apart, I was mortified.  I admired you, was in awe of your
honesty about you sexuality and yes I suppose I had more than just
professional feelings towards you.  I had no intention of a physical or
emotional relationship with you, you know we can't because of the waiver
we signed, but I did have a crush on you."

"When you left in tears and then ended therapy, I felt horrible.  I had
never been so emotionally distraught in my life.  I'm not like that, I'm
even keeled, boring some would say about me, emotionless.  I had been
having marital issues with Candice before you started therapy with me,
then it spiraled out of control. She nagged at me. I snapped at her.
 Then in the bedroom, disaster.  I couldn't get hard for her.  Never had
I ever issues with that, never.  So I can't get hard for Candice and yet
my boners ache hard reading your stories?  I was a wreck.  As our
marriage floundered I went to a few gay bars, not to hook up with guys
but in the vain hopes that I might run into you as you said you went to
gay bars upon occasion when Katie was at her folks.  It was stupid for me
to do that, I was grasping at straws."

"Why didn't you text or call or email?"  I asked.

"It's not appropriate for a therapist to contact a client over personal
feelings.  What if your wife would have seen them?  I wanted to...,"
Daniel seemed nervous as his voice trailed off.   "Is it okay if I ask
you a few questions?" Daniel then asked. "I know this is strange today
with me telling you all this."

"Go ahead," I said, though I was at that point looking forward to my exit
from his office.

"Did you ever have any erotic fantasies towards me in the sessions we had
before?" Daniel asked. "Improper of me to ask, and you don't have to
answer, but you have such a vivid erotic imagination."

"Well, I suppose," I told him.

I supposed I could humor him, though the luster of my coming in that day
had long since faded and I questioned why I even had come.  I was ready
to move on with my life.  It amused me that he thought I had "such a
vivid erotic imagination."  He had no idea.  As I masturbate, my mind is
like a series of porn video clips scrolling scatter shot at high speed,
then often settling on a specific scene that I zero in on as I bring my
mind and cock in unison to climax.  For the longest time the idea of
being a femme boi or gay femme wife to a boyfriend or husband as they
fucked me, often took me over the edge as I furiously masturbated to that
thought, while gay and sex images scrolled by on my laptop or phone.

I thought for a minute, as yes, I had sexual fantasies involving Daniel
when I talked with him about my sex life.  Talking with him about my
homosexual activities, naturally I was curious in my mind what it would
be like having sex with him, after all he was a handsome, intelligent
guy. More than once I wondered what he would look like naked and about
his cock, was it nice?  I decided to play with him a little bit based on
one of the kinky thoughts I did have involving him.  My kink about seeing
fem boys in chastity is one that I have been known to masturbate to over
and over.  Daniel had crossed my mind a several times when I masturbated
to chastity fantasies pulsating through my penis and my mind.  So no, but
actually yes, I had masturbated thinking about sucking his cock.

"Did you ever stumble upon any mention of male chastity devices while
reading my stories?" I asked, not really sure how much or how many of
stories he had actually read, despite what he had told me.

"Oh. Gawd. Yes," Daniel emphatically let out.  "The part in "The
Seduction Exposure" where you fantasize about being Ronnie's boyfriend in
chastity and you fantasize about him fucking you in chastity or he shows
off your caged penis to his ex-wife and ex-girlfriend."

Impressive, I thought.  He really did read the stories and even readily
recalled a scene and the character's name.

"I also loved where your boyfriend's ex-wife Claudia unlocked your penis
and masturbated you while he was at work in "Looking for a Husband."
Daniel was no longer pensive and sullen as he told me this, his eyes were
bright and lively.  "Please tell me any fantasies you may have had about
involving me."

The nature of our conversation had turned from tones of apology and
regret to something more in my wheelhouse, sex.  Guess I could have a
little fun before I took off.

"Well, let's see Daniel.  I can call you Daniel, right? I can't imagine
calling you Dan or Danny."

"I love it when you call me Daniel."

Wow, he said he wasn't, but he sure seems gay to me.  Gayer than I ever
come off in public.  As much of a flaming homosexual as I could be
mincing around in panties in the closet for another man, and I really did
not have very good "Gaydar" in the real world, but Daniel smacked of
gayness to me at this moment.  Not that I should tell him, but he has
always struck me as rather gay.  Right now, being honest with myself, I
would say that subconsciously I had been very attracted to Daniel, though
I suppressed it by the fact he was my therapist.  I was seeing him to
help me with homosexual conflict within myself, not hook up with another
guy.  No matter, I would be out of his office in a matter of minutes and
move on with my life.  Where was I?  Oh yeah, chastity.  I will confess,
when he said "I love it when you call me Daniel" that it flustered me a
little bit.

"Okay," I continued. "Early on when you asked me about masturbation and
inferred I was a chronic, compulsive masturbator, I had a fantasy that I
came in here one day and you told me you were going to help cure me of
this, but I had to accept the treatment you were going to prescribe.  On
your desk there was a box.  You opened it and pulled out a bright pink
male chastity cage.  We both knew what it was as you told me "let's go
ahead and put it on". I was freaking out because what was I supposed to
tell Katie why the thing was over my penis and you said I would have to
admit to her that I was a compulsive masturbator and bring her in here so
we could all discuss it together."

"I guess it's okay to tell you this, now that I won't be returning for
any more therapy sessions, that I came in here a number of times wearing
panties and stockings under my male clothes.  Or the many times while I
talked to you about my sex life that I wanted to open up my pants show
you my penis in my panties and masturbate in front of you.  I came close
to bringing a knapsack with me one day, excusing myself in the restroom
and coming back out for you to see me dressed sexy in drag."

"Anyway, like any fantasy, the same fantasy can have variations every
time they cross your mind.  The fantasy I just told you about, in it you
told me to masturbate one last time in front of you so we could fit the
chastity device over my hard dick.  You clinically observed me masturbate
as I loved exposing myself to you while I furiously masturbated for you
in my pink panties.  After I ejaculated, you wiped me up with a towel and
clinically affixed the pink device over my spent penis, remarking how
lovely it was that I had shaved my balls and pubic area, perfect for the
new pink cock cage."

"I sat on this couch trying to register the sensation I was feeling from
the post ejaculation penis glow, coupled with the stiff plastic device
over my genitals.  You were standing next to me by this couch, your
crotch at my face level.  It was apparent that you had a substantial
erection as I reached up and began to rub it through your pants.  Opening
your pants I freed it from your underwear, pulling on it, making it as
hard as it possibly could be.  Mashing my face into it, I began
obediently sniffing, kissing and licking your penis as you told me "good
boy".  Your hands were on my shoulder steadying yourself as I sunk my
mouth over your throbbing cock.  I grabbed your legs from behind as I
feasted on your cock, sucking you off in loving adoration.  "Masturbators
make the best cock suckers" you told me "they suck even better when their
naughty penises are locked away."  So yes, I did have sex fantasies
involving you," I told Daniel who was listening in rapt, wide eye
attention.  My penis ached hard telling him all this, it must be certain
his was as well.

"The other variation of this fantasy of you locking my penis in chastity
was a little more tender," I told Daniel. "You told me to remove all my
clothes and you admired me as I lay naked on this couch, my stiff penis
tenting in my pink panties.  You knelt next to me by the couch and rubbed
your hand over my pantie clad penis, softly telling me "this will be the
best thing for you, we both know that.  Katie will be pleased also, I am
sure".  Then you brought your lips to mine, kissing me softly, then
running your hand across my face tenderly smiling at me sweetly as you
continued caressing my penis through my pink panties."

"You pulled my panties down and kissed my penis softly, then slipped it
in your mouth.  Lovingly you sucked my penis and bathed it and my balls
with your tongue, tickling my shaved balls with warm sweet wetness.
 Returning your face to mine, we kissed tenderly, slowly, softly in
starts and stops and you tongued my ear then whispering "you are being
such a good boy about this" as your hand continued to fondle and jack on
my tingling, tacky, wet stiff penis.  Finally, as I began to shake,
shiver and shudder, you brought your mouth back to my penis catching my
ejaculation before it spilled, making me buck squirting my semen up into
your warm wet mouth. The sensation of your mouth returning to my tingling
penis as my ejaculation released into your mouth, made it one of those
naughty climaxes where a person feels guilty about it, not sure why they
deserved such pleasurable feeling."

"You then returned your mouth to mine depositing to it the semen I had
ejaculated into yours. We kissed more hungrily as I swallowed my own cum
and your hand continued to fondle my tingly, spent penis. We then
lovingly put my penis in the secure stiff pink chastity device, admiring
together this new horizon of my sexuality.  Then, as is often the case
with the repeated playing of a particular fantasy during the mad dash of
impending orgasm, the smaller variations to the main fantasy were as
numerous as stars in the sky."

"In this tender chastity fantasy, sometimes you were naked and I was
sucking your cock before I ejaculated, before the chastity cage was
fitted;.... other times you were not naked till after my orgasm and
chastity cage fitting as you the climbed over my face as I licked your
cock and balls as you pressed it into my face;..... with other times
after my ejaculation and fitting of the pink cage you were naked on the
couch as I sucked you off in my own naughty nakedness; .....or we'd both
be naked, holding hands, standing, looking out the windows of this office
with you occasionally flipping and fondling the pretty pink cage over my
penis, you admiring the result of caging my penis.  I between our hungry
homosexual kisses with me then kneeling sucking you off, with you were
amused that people outside had no idea what was going on in here inside
by the window with your chastity caged client sucking your cock;
.........other times still we were both naked and kissing with the cage
fitted after you made me cum so wonderfully and you penetrated me with
your cock, fucking me as your own reward of pleasuring me, me who would
no longer be masturbating himself behind Katie's back, but now servicing
your cock as I had learned to do so well in my closet homosexuality."

"Needless to say," I told Daniel, who like me, I sure had a raging
erection as I related all this to him, "needless to say, in the twisted
world of my sexual imagination, I've had quite a number of mind-blowing
ejaculations masturbating over this chastity fantasy."  My bad for going
into such detail, as the sexual tension in the air was quite apparent,
and our erections because of this, quite stiff.

"Tell me about your boyfriend, I'd love to hear about him," Daniel then
asked.

"I really should be going." I replied. "Thank you for everything."

"Tell me a little, please. I won't keep you any longer," Daniel asked.

Whew, I was pretty steamed up telling him about my chastity fantasy, up
so perhaps telling Daniel about me and Rick might diffuse the arousal I
created.  So, in this atmosphere of sexual tension, I had no business is
creating, I began to talk about Rick.  I told Daniel how Rich innocently
befriended me in the coffee shop I'd go to several days a week and work
on my laptop, never an inkling he was hitting on me.  One day he told me
he was divorced and asked me about my wife.  When I talked about Katie,
and Rick said that I must be a "dream boat" in bed, I started picking up
on the 'gaydar' he sent my way.  A straight guy would have been offended
and told Rick to bug off.  With me and my history of gay encounters, I
was flattered and slowing started warming up to Rick.  Despite how well
things were stable with Katie, I finally gave in as we began our
homosexual affair.

"You said that it was over. What happen?" Daniel asked.

"Nothing really happened, specifically, other than Katie and I were
really doing well and it was not the right thing to do to keep seeing
him." I told Daniel.  "Just as well, I was turning into a little slut."

"Would love to hear about it." Daniel asked.

"Really, I should be going." I replied. "I owe you a lot for helping me."

"Please. Please tell me a little.  You know I'm happy for you that you
met him." Daniel pleaded.

"Oh....not so sure I should.....," I stammered.

"You know I love hearing from you about your life," Daniel happily
encouraged me.

"Let's see. The last time together was, well it was..... was, a little
over the top," I went on. "I'd always teased Rick about taking me all
dolled up to a gay bar, but we never did.  Mainly when Katie went up to
her folks once or twice a month, I'd just go over to Rick's and we'd fool
around.  This one night he was feeling frisky so he convinced me we
should go to the "Iron Horse" downtown.  I didn't really have much in my
drag bag that I usually brought over to his place.  Most of the time I'd
just be in a little lingerie when we'd fool around.  I did have some
stockings and a sleazy short black dress, my high heel sandals plus a
bunch of various panties, lingerie, tops, stockings, wigs and makeup that
I like being faggy in for him. He convinced me it would be fun, that no
one would know me and no one would care, it was a gay bay after all."

"The bar was kinda seedy in a seedy part of town, but we were having fun
and a few cocktails.  We sat at the end of a booth, I actually sat on his
lap and we were a hit being there.  A lot of guys came by and flirted
with me in my dress, heels, page boy brunette wig and slutty makeup. Rick
was rather amused and did not mind when guys took me up to dance, the
place was packed and noisy.  The guys on the dance floor were very
"touchy feely", feeling me up through my dress front and back, lifting my
dress to see me in my pink panties and playing with my penis through
them.  It was so wild and I was having ball being so gay.  Once back on
"Richie's" lap, I loved calling Rick 'Richie', he was all smiles with my
arms around his neck nuzzling his face, kissing and tonguing his ear.
 What goes on in gay bars does not happen straight bars. If a guy pulls
out his cock and another guy starts sucking it, nobody cares, nobody
would say anything.  Happens all the time, check any gay porn video
sites, hundreds of clips of it. So two guys in leather caps, bare chests
with leather harnesses came up to me and 'Richie' and told him he had a
cute 'girlfriend' and pulled out their cocks.  With all the drinks,
noise, fun we were having, it was rather erotic for me to take a cock in
either hand."

"These guys were the stereotypical 'leather gay' muscle macho studs, but
they were fun also.  Pulling on two nice hard cocks was pretty obscene,
especially when they pulled me off 'Richie' and told me to suck their
cocks.  Kneeling there on the filthy floor in front of them I took turns
sucking on their big nasty smelly cocks as a crowd around was cheering me
on. Guys were yelling "you go girl" or "look at the faggot go" among
other cheering and obscenities being hurled at me as I sucked and gagged
on these guys cocks.  It was getting to be too much for me, just physical
nature of being on the floor and on my knees when I got back up on
'Richie's' lap and pulled my dress back exposing my pantie clad penis.
 'Richie' kissed me and was playing with my cock while these two guys
were finishing themselves off over my cock, cumming over my cock and
panties, on my arms and dress them pulling me back to suck them clean.
 It was way over the top obscene and nasty, and while it was a unique if
not debased experience, it was a little much for me.  Richie knew and we
drove back to his place with me playing with his cock and leaning over to
suck on it on the way home.  We couldn't get in bed soon enough for him
to fuck me."

"So that was it," I told Daniel.  "We had a pretty good thing going, but
things were changing for the better between me and Katie, and I knew it
was not right to keep seeing him.  Katie's friend Leslie was a big
influence on Katie and things were just going too good for me to continue
with "Richie".

"Well, I should be taking off," I said, after my recounting perhaps one
of the most debased episodes of my closet homosexuality, from a "career"
of episodes that stretched back all the years of my adult life and
before.

We both stood as I got ready to leave.  There was a great deal of
unspoken awkwardness; awkwardness from what Daniel had poured out to me
about his episode with Kenny and how he felt about me; awkwardness with
us knowing this was the last time we'd likely ever see each again;
awkwardness about what truly precipitated the ending of this relationship
from me melting down after he snapped at me from my inappropriate
comment; awkwardness from me telling Daniel such a vivid picture of my
incredibly obscene fantasy involving him and the chastity device as well
as telling him about me and Rick in the gay bar fling.  Telling those
things was perhaps not in our best interest from the inadvertent arousal
and erections that they caused.  We looked at each with strange
uncertainty hovering about us.  Inside I was upbeat and proud knowing I'd
crossed one finish line and could see clear blue skies ahead with me and
Katie, leaving the demons of my past behind, securely locked in their
cages.

"This is goodbye," Daniel said, with an implied melancholy as he reached
for my hand to shake it, knowing as well, this was truly goodbye.

Paths cross in life, sometimes they join together, sometimes they split
apart after crossing.  With the all the chaos inside me that brought me
in here to see Daniel in the first place, I felt I was leaving with a
sense of resolve.  When one goes into therapy, there is no magic wand
that after a certain number of sessions or a set period of time that goes
"poof, you're healed".   I felt I had done the things that would improve
my life on my own free will, no one had prodded or badgered me to change.
 In my heart and in my head, I knew what was right and wrong, especially
when it comes to the right and wrong things for me to maintain a healthy,
happy marriage to Katie.  She was a doll.  She had noble character that I
lacked.  I could have used the fact I was molested as a boy to
rationalize the extreme behaviors of my sexuality, but I did not.  As
Daniel looked me in the eyes with his clear blue eyes shaking my hand in
goodbye, I could not fault him for snapping at me that day any more than
I could fault myself for breaking down in his office.  I could not fault
Daniel any more than I could fault myself as his mouth forced upon my
mouth as I responded eagerly kissing him in return, our bodies pressed
together in a thud against the back of the door, rather than me exiting
the door.

Perhaps it was inevitable, perhaps it was destined to be, perhaps all the
peaks and valleys in the intimacy of a person revealing himself to
another person brought this about, or perhaps it was just the innate flaw
in the deficiency of my character.  Whatever the reason, as Daniel's
hungry homosexual kiss pressed upon me, masculine mouth upon masculine
mouth, hot impatient breath on my neck and ear, our heated embrace was
frantic, passionate, bordering on obsessive.  I was beyond thinking about
what we were doing with each other or what this would do to the upbeat,
strong mindset, so proud of myself 'me' for being so good.  I was beyond
thinking about what this would do to the "back on track", positive 'me' I
had been in my mind mere minutes before.

All I could do was react to my animal sexuality as I impatiently opened
Daniel's pants as he unbuttoned off his stylish rich pink shirt.  Once I
had his khaki pants open, I fell to my knees and yanked down his
underwear with his cock in my hands.  In the fantasy I told Daniel about
doing nearly the same thing, this was the real deal, not my vivid
imagination.  His cock was greater than anything my imagination could
have dreamed up; it was a beautiful big cut cock with a nice helmet head
sticking out of a forest of dark pubic hair. Yes, he must have been an
athlete his cock was so stiff and virile. Looking up at Daniel wistfully
I held it in my hands jacking on the hard tacky beast.  Poor Candice, I
have his cock now, I can make it hard as steel, he wants me to pleasure
him if she won't or can't or is playing mind games.

Pressing my face into the pungent muskiness of his cock, I licked and
sniffed and kissed it in awe.  Once I plunged my mouth over it and
started sucking his cock, moans of pleasure and "oh my gawd, oh my gawd,
oh my gawd" escaped Daniel's lips.  Gagging my mouth over his cock, in
and out, my own cock ached hard at the taste of his.  A moment before, it
was a diplomatic, platonic "goodbye".  Now it was an unplanned union of
the flesh, two males unable to suppress their homosexual attraction to
each other in breathless enrapture. I rose up off his cock as Daniel
forced his mouth back on mine, forcing me against the door again with
another thud.  To his hungry ravenous kissing me, I obsessively returned
his passion with my own restless gay hunger.  We were agitated and horny
as we forced ourselves onto each other, Daniel's hard cock sticking
obscenely out his pants as he groped for my penis through my pants.  In
our state of unbridled sexual hunger towards one another, we caught our
breath when a lapse in our embrace allowed us to fathom our situation.
 The hardness of our cocks was the result of unscripted stimulation of
today's conversations and the intimate knowledge of each other's closet
sexuality from our sessions.  I was the first to speak:

"I'm going to grab something for me to wear for you," I whispered softly
in a more than slightly feminine voice.  "It's out in my car, I'll be
right back."

I flew out the door to my car and opened the trunk grabbing the 'drag
bag' I had in there since my last time with Rick.  I'd been meaning to do
something with it, throw it away, put it in storage, donate it to a
thrift store, I didn't know.  It was one of those things where in the
back of your mind you know it's there and know you should do something
about it but it slips from active thought.  A quick tap on the door
Daniel let me back in and giving him a sweet sexy kiss, I told him "give
me a sec" as I went into the small restroom just inside the office
entryway.  Inside my 'drag bag' it was an unkept jumble of panties,
various articles of lingerie, a pair of high heeled sandals, the brunette
pageboy wig and black dress from my last fling with Rick.  The black
dress still had blotches of crusted semen from that night at the gay bar.


I wanted to be quick so I snagged a pair of dark stockings, the high
heels, the wig, a pair of panties, a tube of lipstick and a top I had
always meant to wear for Rick, but never did.  This top was straight out
of a skanky online lingerie shop, a black long sleeve fishnet/fence net
collarless pull over that showed skin beneath as my hard nipples poked
through the holes of the netting.  The panties were pink side tie string
bikini panties with black trim ties with white polka dots and a rusche-ed
pink bottom hugging the cheeks of my skinny cute ass, an equally skanky
piece of lingerie.  In my haste I pulled on the stockings, now with runs
through them, placed the wig on my head and applied a quick layer of red
lipstick.  One last piece of bling was a pink leather dog collar with
silver hearts on, just like the sub males wear in CFNM videos. It was one
of my favorite pieces of gay apparel.

In the high heels I strolled out to meet my adoring new lover. A dog
can't change the color of its spots, nor could I, with the prospect of a
big juicy bone. Like a stocking clad hussy in a cheap 1960's detectives
sex story paperback having an affair with a man at rundown hotel, Daniel
looked me over as I sashayed out.  I sidled up next to him as he took me
in his arms.  "Wow" he gasped as he then forced his mouth on mine,
tasting my lipstick. "Just WOW!" he repeated as his hands wandered over
my cute pantie clad tushie.  He was out of his loafers but still had his
unbuttoned pink shirt and pants on.  I purred in his ear as I seductively
peeled his shirt off his shoulders much as a "Bond" girl would.  Daniel
toyed with my pointy hard nipples through the netting of my sexy top as I
playfully unfastened his pants, dropping them as he stepped naked out of
the pile on the floor.  Simultaneously he reached for my pantie clad
penis as I pulled along the length of his hard, tacky manhood.  Kissing
resumed as the sensation holding onto each other's erections made for a
steamy moment of building arousal.

Daniel's groping my ass as we broke the kiss was loosening the strings of
the pink panties with the black and white trim, especially with my very
erect penis poking out the front.  As was my playful, femme nature I
stepped back and with a emphatic yank on both ties of the string bikini,
I said "Boop" as the panties dropped to the floor.  In my shameless love
of faggily exposing myself to a gay lover, I stood there bottomless in
high heeled sandals, stockings and my stretchy fishnet top my erect penis
wagging as I shimmered a sexy pirouette for Daniel.  Falling into his
arms backwards, soon his hot breath was in my ear as he grabbed a handful
of ass in either hand.  Standing behind me naked then fondling my stiff
penis nuzzling my neck, tonguing my ears, his hard cock now pressed
against the crack of my tender ass cheeks.  Looking out the blinds at the
world, we were enjoying our own hidden homosexual world.

"I never dared dream this, Bobby, never. I was strong like you were with
Katie.  Then I read your stories. Then I couldn't help myself.  Oh fuck,
I can't help myself," Daniel bit my ear and pulled on my cock as he said
this.

I couldn't help myself either.  Whatever mystic fate willed this; I
didn't care.  This was the "me" that had always been inside me as I
embraced it from the closet, and fought in the light of day in the
straight world.  Maybe that was the part that made it so exciting - if
you are out and gay, it's no big deal, you're gay and most people could
care less.  If you are a flaming closet fairy, you fight with yourself
over right and wrong, should I or shouldn't I, you don't want anyone to
know, like your wife, brother, sister, mom, dad, friends, coworkers. So
when you do get to be the queer you adore being with someone who accepts
it, knows it, wants to give you a hard cock, then it is the most exciting
thing you've ever done.

Here in my nakedness with Daniel it was many times over the most exciting
thing I had ever experienced in my homosexuality, mainly because I did
not know it would be happening, it was not supposed to happen, there was
no forethought and usual sneaky sleazy planning, and most of all, it
being so wrong that it was happening with my therapist with whom none of
this is supposed to happen, especially as I was so sure I had
'straightened' myself out over this.  Straight? Pffffftt.  In other
words, I was going to enjoy being the closet homosexual I had otherwise
fought and felt guilty about all my life.

There is something about being bottomless in heels and hose that is so
naughty, vulnerable and erotic being desired by another man.  With Daniel
behind me, still nuzzling my neck, ears and side of my face, pulling on
my penis as his uber hard penis pressed against my ass cheeks, I felt
more than a little desired.  We turned facing each other for more
obsessive homosexual kissing, hard cock tacky dripping with pre cum on
hard cock, tacky, dripping with pre cum cock.  When the exasperation of
our kissing finally broke, I dropped to my knees mashing my face into
Daniel's hard, big, virile, athletic cock, licking his balls, licking his
cock.  I'd never seen such beautiful hard cock, Candice should be
ashamed, though knowing that made me smile inside as Daniel's manhood
filled my mouth.  Cocksucker.  Sucking cock.  Cocksucker, it is a term
tossed around in locker rooms, bars and ball fields.  If you are on your
knees pleasuring another man, that word has meaning. Denial and shame had
no place for me now as Daniel's earthy, fleshy cock pulsated in and out
of my mouth, the musky, masculine scent of his balls and body permeating
my homosexual act.

In a fit of lust, Daniel pulled me off his cock, kissed me madly, then
led me to the big leather couch, sitting me down.  It was his turn to
kneel as he spread my legs and forced his mouth on my penis, causing
ripples of nasty pleasure.  He pulled my heeled feet up onto the
cushions, legs still spread wide, kissed and nuzzled along my stocking
encased inner thighs, tingling and tickling my thighs with his raspy
face.  When his face returned licking my balls it jolted me digging my
heels into the leather, lifting up my genitals when his firm, warm wet
tongue slipped into the tender tightness of my bung hole, causing a
sensation few men had ever done to me, none as sweet as what Daniel was
now doing.  With my legs spread obscenely apart, I was squirming and
writhing as Daniel's tongue and lips continued the sweet wet ravishment
of my boy pussy.  He seemed insatiable as his mouth licked eagerly at my
hole then my balls and penis, then back licking forcefully up tender butt
hole.

We both wanted the same thing as he finally rose up, pressed himself onto
me and resumed his hungry kissing of his somewhat illicit fem boy lover.
 His manly hard cock chafed along my penis as we kissed and he whispered
a string of loving words in warm breaths in my ear: "you're so hot" "I've
wanted you long before I read your stories" "you make me harder than I've
ever been"; I was as flattered as I was hard.  Reaching between my legs I
placed the head of his cock at my damp opening, Daniel thrust slowly
against my hole but I knew we'd need lubrication. I whispered in choppy
hoarse breathes "grab my bag from the bathroom".  He returned with it as
I fumbled through a side pocket inside for a tube of lubricant.  By that
time, I had laid prone along the couch with my legs spread obscenely
open, my high heels digging into the leather of the couch.  In a moment
of reckoning Daniel began poking his penis, his wonderfully hard penis,
up into my butt. Gasping as I bit my lip from the initial insertion,
Daniel began thrusting in measured pokes to get his cock up into me. With
my arms around his neck pulling his face to mine, kissing him, thanking
him, urging him on.

"You asked me if I was gay. I'm so gay. I'm gay.  I'm so gay for you. I
can't help it if I am.  You make me feel gayer than I've ever felt.  I
love being your fem fag boy," telling Daniel a string of true statements
as he continued to fuck me.

"I can't believe this is happening," Daniel gasped in my ear between
kissing and thrusting into me. "You turn me on more than Candice ever
has, harder than she ever made me."

"Fuck me. Get me pregnant.  I'll be your wife.  You're the best I've ever
had," I said encouraging him with statements of truths.

As we fucked on the couch, writhing in our homosexuality, kissing,
nuzzling faces in passion, Daniel's cock was putting thrusts as deep into
me as far as my boy cunny could take it.  I bucked my stocking clad legs,
high heels digging into the leather, as Daniel's throbbing wood continued
its magic up my love tunnel.  I was beyond rational thinking, or any
thinking really, just the sensation of cock up in me, getting humped, man
on femme boy. Grunting and moaning as our lovemaking squeaked over the
leather building up to climax.  In a fit of passion, Daniel said
something that seemed to take him over the edge:

"I'm so madly in love with you, Bobbi," he whispered throatily as I
withstood his cock humping its powerful final jabs into me.

In the moments that followed, we absorbed the enormity of our lovemaking.
 It had no basis of reason or propriety, it happened due to the live
wires of our individual homosexual circuits fusing after unplanned
contact.  Daniel's semen dribbled its sticky dampness out of me onto the
nice leather of the couch as his erection slowly subsided with us still
in and embrace of copulation.  When his slippery member slid out we
rolled into each other's arms facing one another, nuzzling with soft
adoring kisses.  I had yet to ejaculate when Daniel's hand caressed upon
my erection and my sense of arousal met his playful fondling:

"That was sweet, Bobbi, you've made a wreck of me," Daniel admitted. In
silly questioning he asked "do we need to lock this naughty thing up?
 Look at all the trouble it got us in."  His big paw played with my rigid
penis.

My own playful sense of my erotic mind led me to say things of
appropriate fantasy, verbalizing things that might go through my mind
while I was masturbated.  Now I was being masturbated by my homosexual
lover of whom I was no stranger to fantasizing about.  I had even told
him of it earlier when he coaxed it out of me, back when I still hung on
in my mind the charade that I was straight.  Now, I needed no coaxing to
speak the erotic thoughts that ruled the vast expanses of homosexual
fantasy in my mind.

"I want you to show me off at a cocktail party as your wife.  I don't
even need a dress or heels, just slacks and flats and a sweater, no wig,
just a little lip gloss and eye shadow. Everyone will know you are the
husband and I am the boy wife," I could not help saying things like this,
his hand stroking my penis was making me talk crazy.

"Oh. Fuck, Yes.," was Daniel's emphatic reply to my 'way out there'
comment as he nuzzled my ear and kissed my neck, his masculine hand
stroking my penis and fondling my balls.

"You know you'll have to lock up my hard little clitty or I'll always
want this," I said as I climbed out of his arms, up the couch and pressed
my hard penis into his face.

Grabbing my butt cheeks, Daniel lavished my penis and balls with adoring
wetness, licking and sucking, before I slid back into his arms and his
jacking me off continued.  His own erotic sense of what I wanted to hear
came out as he said:

"You want me to lock up your cute little penis and show it off to the
girls in the back room of the cocktail party, don't you Bobbi?"

"Yes, show me off.  I want you to show me off to my old girlfriend, Deb.
 She was drunk one night at a bar and she called me a pussy.  Said she'd
find me a boyfriend.  She was so hot, but she hardly ever let screw her.
 Let's show her I'm gay, that makes me horny to think that she'd find
out," I went on. Deb was not the only girlfriend that made comments
questioning my sexuality.  Katie never did, at least to my face.

"Candice says 'quit acting so gay' to me when she's upset with me. You'd
love that, wouldn't you, having her see me with you. Holding hands and
kissing me in front of my wife," Daniel said this guessing correctly it
was a big 'faggot trigger' for me.

"Please, yes.," was all that escaped my lips as I was humping my penis up
into his hand.

After the overload of unplanned sexual play and my natural inclination to
act out in a femme, faggy manner it is surprising I had yet to ejaculate,
but I was getting close.  The therapist was masturbating his client.

"Cum for me, Bobbi.  I want to see you cum, sweetie.  I can't believe how
much you've made me want you.  We are both gay. We are. Let's not fight
it any longer. We're both gay. I could only get hard with Candice last
week thinking about you.  Now that I've had you it's better than it has
ever been with anyone.  You're so hot.  Cum for me, sweetie," Daniel
admitted as he nuzzled his tongue affectionately in my ear, urging me on.

My heavy breathing and spastic twitching in my hips signaled ejaculation.
 My semen splattered out over my belly and Daniel's hand.  My eyes rolled
back into my head as the buildup to this ejaculation was dramatic and the
actual orgasm was a fantastic release from today's stimulating
tête-à-tête, a culmination of the revelations we made to each other about
our true sexuality and our suppressed sexual desires.  It took a little
while to climb back to reality in the glow of post ejaculation bliss.  My
bottom was sticky with semen on the fine leather of the couch.  Daniel's
continued nuzzling the side of my face showed that his climax had not
dampened his affection for me. He licked a little of my semen from his
fingers and dipped them in the scattered semen puddles on my belly,
lifting them to my lips to taste.  Even spent, Daniel's cock was half
hard and impressive, I loved seeing it and touching it.  Personality wise
Daniel was not truly "Alpha" in nature, but physically in body build and
especially his cock was oh so dreamy for a bottom boi like me.

The enormity of our actions began to creep up on me as we disengaged from
the couch, got dressed, said our tender loving goodbyes, coupled with
more passionate, unbridled homosexual kisses.  Driving home to Katie, I
knew I was fucked, back to square one, no, back to not even close to
square one.  I had no idea what I was going to do.  Actually, I was worse
off than before I started therapy with Daniel. This time as I drove home
there was no melting down though there were twinges and waves of guilt
and shame, but also there was a degree of futile acceptance.  This I knew
from the last thing Daniel said before we parted: "Candice is out of town
next week, I'd like to see you again."  When I replied "I'd love to," we
both knew.

-------- Author contact if you like/dislike the story:
jakladd@hotmail.com