Say Goodbye to Sparkleland Chapter 1

NOTE TO READERS: Mitchell is a character introduced (for the most part) in Book Five: Coffee at 9. It isn't crucial that you had read that first — I kind of summarize details here — but if he intrigues you as a character, you will probably enjoy getting to know more about him with that book.

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B O O K S E V E N

Say Goodbye to Sparkleland

"I feel I should emphasize this again. I'm totally against being your therapist," Logan told me. "We have too long a friendship between us. I just don't think this is a good idea."

"Why? To me, that's the very reason why you are perfect!" I told my college friend.

"Need I remind you that you cut me out of your life half a year ago?"

I had. I had told Cooper, the love of my life, that I had this wonderful college friend who was a great therapist. Cooper was struggling with me ... damn! ... cheating on him. His trust issues were standing in the way of us truly reconciling. He was contemplating breaking it off with me. He said I "deserved better." If he wasn't able to fully commit, then he was close to deciding it was best to let me go. Having Dr. Logan Horwood as a close friend seemed like a natural fit. However, after sessions with Logan, Cooper worked through his feelings, some of which were an attraction to Laramie. When he chose Laramie over me, I blamed Logan for that. It took me about two months to realize that it wasn't Logan's fault. Cooper trusted Laramie, he didn't trust me. For good reason.

Cooper walked in on me fucking Derek. In our bed! It was so stupid and so wrong and so ... pointless. Cooper and I had become a family — and I loved his son Corey. I ruined it in one afternoon. I was chasing something so ... inconsequential. It was so meaningless, yet it turned into something so unforgiveable.

I couldn't blame Cooper. I was the one who cheated. I was the one who was at fault.

"I told you I was sorry for blaming you. But I will say it again. I'm sorry, Logan. That was wrong of me." I paused. "When we're in here in your office, should I call you Dr. Horwood?"

"Have you ever called me that?"

"Well, we were college friends. We lived in the same dorm."

My eyes were drawn to Logan's framed diplomas on the wall. His certification with the state was hung adjacent to them. Even after college, the two of us had remained friends. We stayed in town. He fell in love with Jackson Bend during his college years. I did too. I moved back weeks after graduating.

"Right. We've always been close. Don't you think that is a problem with me being your therapist?!"

"Oh, hell no. You know me! If I went to someone else, we'd spend two months just to figure out who I am and where I came from. You know all that. Why would I want someone other than you?"

"Well, we'll still spend months trying to figure out what makes you tick. Don't think we won't need time. Tell me your end goal here."

"Well, as I mentioned, I'm not getting over Cooper. I still love him. But I know everything is my fault. I'm sorry I blamed you. You were a scapegoat. But ... I know it's me. Everything was my fault. I – I – I just don't know how to get over him. I need your help. I was contemplating moving away, transferring."

"That sounds drastic. Well, first, let's see if we can get to the matter of why you cheated on him. Did you bring the book?"

"Yeah. Why did you ask me to bring that? How do you even know about it?"

"While I can't really discuss my sessions with Cooper, as he was a former patient, he did make me aware of your book listing all the men you've had sex with. It bothered him."

"It did?"

"It did indeed. He didn't mention it to you?"

"No. Well, when he discovered it, he brought it to my attention. I told him it meant nothing. It's not like I take it out every day and relive sleeping around with all these guys. It was at the bottom of a drawer."

"Tell me what Cooper was like when the two of you started seeing each other."

"Well. When we started, he was actually married to Natalie."

"Do you feel you contributed to the breakup of his marriage?"

I paused. "No." I evaluated my answer and felt firm in my stance. "Cooper was gay. He knew that. We had a mutual attraction to each other. He felt it. We both did. He just kept drinking to suppress it all. Finally, he broke. If I may say so, I was there to pick him up. When he was going through a divorce — and AA — I was there. I helped him."

"I see. And what was he like then?"

"Oh, man. He was insecure. I took him in. He didn't get any visitation rights until he had attended AA for so many months. I can't remember how many. During that time, I taught him ... gay things, I guess."

"Gay things?"

"Movies, music, gay history, sex."

Logan raised an eyebrow.

"He was a good learner," I winked.

"I take it sex is important to you, what with the book and all."

My stomach sank. The book was so personal to me, but now that Cooper and Logan knew about it, it tainted its value to me.

"If I said sex wasn't important, I'd be lying to you."

"Well, let's not lie. It makes my job harder."

"I get that. I won't."

"Tell me about your entries into the book."

I rolled my eyes. "Do I have to?"

"Do you want to get better?"

I sighed. "I suppose. After I had slept with a few men, I started taking notes. I went back and jotted down the first guys I had been with, and then I just kept up with it."

"Did it serve a purpose?"

"Maybe. Maybe I was searching for something."

"Like what?"

His question was valid. I knew the answer, but I felt weird about talking about it. "Just a feeling."

"A feeling?"

"Yeah."

"Did the book help?"

"I'm not sure. Probably not. After a while, it was more documentation than help."

"Let's see what you've written. What did you write about the first man."

"Seriously? You don't want to hear this, do you? It's really personal."

"I'd like to see why you are the way you are."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Your attachment to sex, what you are searching for, why you cheated on the love of your life."

"Fiiiiiine," I groaned. "Okay, I didn't start this until college, so I had to go back and remember what I could about the first guys from previous years. The first entries are shorter."

"Understood. Go on. Who's first? You can make up a name if you'd like to protect their privacy."

I didn't think Logan would really know anyone in my journal. Maybe someone from college. Obviously, Cooper. I wasn't going to worry about that. Most guys I'd slept with are out, so that wasn't an issue.

"Okay. Number One. Nick. Five foot, ten inches. Brown hair. Six-inch dick hard. Four (maybe) soft. Extreme upward curve when erect. Junior year high school. My bed."

I was immediately embarrassed. This was so personal. How could this possibly help me get over Cooper? Nick didn't have anything to do with anything.

Most guys just changed into gym shorts during P.E. It wasn't like we put on jock straps, and most students didn't take off their underwear when changing. Nick did. I had seen his dick a few times. I tried not to stare; I didn't want him to think I was looking at him. He saw me once though. I glanced away. My eyes darted one last time as I tried to look like I was focused on putting on my T-shirt.

It was bigger. I swore Nick's dick was bigger than when I first looked.

But I couldn't really confirm it. That would require me to focus on his cock with him watching me. I turned my back to him. I took in a deep breath.

"I don't see how earlier boyfriends helps me with Cooper."

"Keep going," Logan said.

I was gay. I knew I was gay at seventeen. No question. Nick's dick confirmed it. I got a boner just seeing his cock. My tight briefs helped conceal it some. I just thought about Grandma until my erection went away. Once out on the gym floor, my crotch wasn't noticeable.

That night, I jacked off thinking about him. It was the first time I pictured another guy when masturbating. Before that, it was just ... touching, groping. I couldn't stop thinking about Nick.

I wanted to see him naked again.

"Nick was in my Gym class. His skin was almost bronze. I think he was a quarter-Indian or something. He was pretty fit. Most guys didn't strip completely down in P.E. He always did. He always got completely naked."

"Did this affect you?"

"Oh yeah. I started thinking about him, about his body. I was a junior in high school and 100 percent knew I was gay."

"And how did it make you feel?"

For the next week, we only ran a few laps. We didn't change out for P.E. We had a film one day and studied for a big test for several days. We did so little paperwork in class; I felt the coach had to substantiate some level of grades. Participation was a lot of it. But I was pretty sure there needed to be recorded grades in his gradebook too.

After all that, everyone was excited to play basketball for two weeks. Some days I wasn't close to Nick when he undressed. I didn't have a chance to see him.

Then that day — I'll never forget, Tuesday, February 23, 1:07 p.m. — he was changing right next to me. I wondered if he would completely undress. He did. I was almost motionless. If I moved, it would have been considered slow motion. I watched him pull off his shirt over his head. I liked the hair on his armpits. He pulled off his jeans. I liked the hair on his legs. Then he pulled off his boxers. I liked the hair above his dick. I liked his dick. I really liked his dick.

Guys aren't supposed to like looking at guys' dicks. They are supposed to like seeing girls' boobs. But I had been jacking off thinking about Nick for two weeks. I was gay. And I really liked his dick.

"I knew I was gay, but I didn't know anyone else in high school who was. Occasionally, guys would call dudes `fags,' but it was usually smack. I didn't think anyone really was a fag. Until Nick, I didn't know if I was, for sure anyway. But I knew it then. I just didn't know what to do with that information."

"But something happened?"

Two cheerleaders brought in some foil trays that had aluminum across the top. One of them had a Styrofoam cup of iced tea. Some of the guys whispered comments under their breath. The comments were lude — and ridiculously implausible. I knew they didn't have any sexual experience. A few of the students weren't paying attention and still focused on the basketball. One guy passed the ball to Stan, who didn't realize he was charging right toward the girls. Nick, Artie and I were in front of them and could tell what was about to happen. The coach jumped up.

It was a collision. The girls screamed. The tea went flying. The trays went flying. They went flying.

The girls fell to the gym floor, which demanded everyone's attention. The trays, however, slammed into the three of us. It apparently was leftovers from a faculty luncheon of sorts. Containers of guacamole and salsa splattered on us. Chips were everywhere. I lost my footing on tea and guac and accidentally tackled Nick. We crushed chips when we landed, and they stuck to blotches of salsa and other wet spots on our legs. We floundered in Mexican cuisine for a moment. Artie was trying to wipe sour cream off his leg. We were a mess.

Everyone rushed to make sure the girls were okay. Coach tended to their care. They didn't seem injured, just shaken. Coach looked at us. His eyes rolled.

"Jeez. You guys hit the showers. Get cleaned up. You have time."

Everyone else was assigned a duty. Paper towels, mops and brooms were primary tasks. Some were lucky enough to tend to some scrapes on one of the cheerleader's elbows.

"Oh yeah. Some food was spilled in P.E. class. A lot. It got on three of us. We had to go shower. That was the beginning."

We all turned on the water to let it warm up. Quickly, we put our soiled clothes on the bench. There was Nick, naked next to me again. Artie darted into the showers. Nick's cock was gorgeous. I looked at it. He saw me. He smiled at me.

The splash of water on my crotch helped lessen the initiation of my erection. The three of us soaped down our legs and stomachs. I barely got a glimpse of Artie's dick. It wasn't as big as ours. I mostly saw his butt. It had hair growing on it. I liked it. Artie finished first and rapidly moved out of the shower. I could visibly see that he was uncomfortable being naked with us.

Then I noticed Nick. His eyes were on my dick. He didn't try to disguise it. We both looked at each other's bodies. Within seconds, I was hard. Fully hard. Nick was hard. Fully hard. Nick's cock curved toward his navel. It was bigger than mine. It captivated me. Before I knew what was happening, his hand touched my cock. His fingers gently gripped the shaft. He gave it a slight tug.

"Umm..." I uttered.

"If you want more, meet me in the courtyard after school."

"Beginning?" Logan asked.

"Yeah. For just a second, he grabbed my cock in the shower. He told me he thought I wanted more. And I did. He asked me to meet him after school."

I was nervous. For the past two hours, my heart was beating so rapidly. What would happen if we met? What would we do? Where would we do it? I almost chickened out. But deep in me, I knew I wanted "more." Whatever it was, I wanted it. I didn't care how scared I was, I wanted more.

I saw him. He smiled and walked up to me. Neither of us really knew what to say, but I let him take the lead.

"Hi."

"I'm glad you were willing to meet me."

"No problem."

Nick paused. He glanced around. We were secluded enough to where no one could hear us. "I just wanted you to know that I like your body," he said.

"Yours is nice too."

"Thanks."

"If you are interested, I'd ... be willing to touch some more."

I wanted him to touch me, touch it. Really wanted it. If we did something, would I be able to touch his cock? Was that allowed? Was I able to touch another person? I suddenly felt like a toddler who was just learning to stand.

"Where can we go?" he asked.

"I dunno. What do we need to do?"

"Well. A bed would be nice. I have family at my house. Is anyone at yours?"

"Not until five o'clock."

"Want to?"

I nodded. My heart raced all the way home. Nick didn't have a car. He rode with me.

"Go on," Logan said.

"When school was out, we met in the courtyard. He said he liked my body. I told him his was nice too. Then he asked if we could go somewhere; he wanted to know if anyone was at my house at the time."

"And..?"

"Want something to drink?" I asked as we entered the kitchen.

"What'cha got?"

"Coke, Snapple tea and Sprite. Mom has Diet Coke."

"Sprite sounds good."

We both popped open a can. We didn't bother with glasses. It was so silent for a minute that I could actually hear the soda fizz in my can.

"I was glad that we had to shower together today," he finally said.

"Me too."

"I'm glad that I got to touch your cock."

"Me too."

"I'd like to do it again."

"Me too."

We both took another drink.

"Come with me," I finally said, leading him to my room by the wrist. I loved touching his bronze arm.

We set our drinks down on my dresser. I looked at the time, 3:50. We had plenty of time. Nick was out of his shirt and jeans so fast that it surprised me. I tossed my shirt to the side of the bed. When I turned back around, I saw him naked again. His dick was moving before my eyes. It looked so good when it just hung, but it hypnotized me as I saw the process of him getting erect. I wanted to watch it on time-lapse.

I reached for my fly.

"Let me."

Nick unfastened my pants and unzipped my fly. I kicked off my shoes, and he pulled my pants down. My briefs protruded before me with a notable bulge. I stepped out of my pants and quickly snapped my underwear off. I so intensely wanted us both to be naked again. Together. Naked.

Nick jumped on my bed. His dick was so hard, it barely moved. It didn't flop or slap against his stomach. It was just a steel pipe. It curved toward his navel. I wasn't sure if it was any longer than mine, but it was much more aimed.

I moved in on the other side. He started stroking his own erection. I felt comfortable doing the same.

He didn't say anything. I didn't say anything.

I heard him breathe out. There was the slightest sound between a hum and moan that came from his throat. "Mmmngh."

I didn't make a sound. I just kept feeling my cock.

Two minutes into us jacking off, he moved his body over to where our hips were touching. That was incredible to feel his warm skin against mine. My heart pounded with excitement and nerves and wonderment and lust.

Then I saw his arm move toward me. He was mere inches from my cock, and I let go with my hand. His fingers gently graced my shaft from the bottom to the tip. He just lightly felt the length of it. A drop of pre-cum appeared on its head. His pointer finger dabbed it and rubbed the slickness all around the mushroom head. For a second, I thought I was going to come right then.

Then his hand made a firmer grip on my hard-on. It had never felt harder. Nick was handling a warm, fleshy brick. And I loved it.

Gently, he pulled. He stroked. He tugged. He yanked.

I didn't make any sound. I didn't know if people did that. I just breathed. Heavily. As he worked on my cock, I almost thought I was panting. My heart was so loud, I wondered if Nick could hear it.

"Can I touch yours?" I finally was brave enough to ask.

He let go of my dick and put his arms behind his head. He contracted muscles in his groin to make his cock wave at me. I smiled at the silly movement.

Then I touched it. My fingers grasped his stiff organ, and it almost made me gasp.

That was what heaven felt like.

I touched it.

I felt it.

I grabbed it.

I pulled on it.

I stroked it.

For two or three minutes I pulled his cock. Within his breath there were subtle grunts, but he was still very quiet. I looked at his face. His eyes were closed with his head sunk in the pillow. Then my view was his cock again. His cock in my hand. His cock in my stroking hand. His hard, hot cock in my tight, stroking hand.

"Oh yeah," he breathed. His hips squirmed. I assumed that meant he was about to come. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know if I was supposed to do something specific. I didn't know what he wanted me to do.

But I knew what I wanted.

I had no intention of letting go. I couldn't wait to see him come.

The wildest of smiles crossed my face as I saw him shoot liquid up his chest. I had only ever seen mine before. For some reason I never thought about anyone else coming. It was as if I was the only one in the world that such a thing happened to. His body arched as more cum shot from his cock. His erection finally stopped pulsing, and then his body melted in my bed.

"Mmmmmmmmmm..."

His eyes examined his chest. He put a finger in his cum and quickly moved it to my mouth. I was caught off-guard. It was as if I was expected to taste it. I didn't even know if I wanted to, but he stuck it in. My tongue dabbed his finger. He pulled it from my mouth.

"Thanks," he politely said.

"It was my first time to really handle, well ... touch another guy's dick."

"And how did it affect you?"

I wasn't sure how to respond to my friend's question. I had to think about it.

"Gimme a sec."

Logan jotted a few words on a notepad. I hadn't really said anything. What could he have written? I never really had thought about that initial high school experience. Not in the past 15 years at least.

"I enjoyed it. I had so many questions after we did it."

"Like...?" Logan encouraged.

"Was I normal? Did all guys do this? Did it always feel this good or was it just that time? How were penises alike; how were they different? Was what we did wrong?"

"Several questions, for sure. But how did you feel?"

"I knew I wanted to do it again!"

I did what Nick did. I put my arms behind my head. I didn't need to wiggle my dick. His hand was on it immediately.

His handjob was more aggressive this time. It only took two minutes before I felt the impending release build in my groin. I was close. He stroked me in a good rhythm, but I wanted to really feel it.

"Harder," I requested.

I felt his grip tighten. I breathed in, and then gasped as cum shot up from his grip.

"Man," he said.

He kept pulling, yanking, stroking.

I kept coming, coming, coming.

He let go. He wiped his finger through the stream on my neck and took it to his mouth.

"Stay there," I said.

I walked to my bathroom — naked! — and got a warm, wet cloth and a dry one. I came back and crawled on the bed. I leaned over his crotch and wiped his body. Even though we had both experienced an orgasm, I liked looking at it. I liked looking at his cock, still plump but not rigid. I dried his body.

I started to wipe my chest.

"I want to," Nick said.

I reclined on my back, and he used both towels to tend to me. I looked at him hovering above my hip.

I so hoped we would do this again.

"And did you?"

"With Nick? We did a total of three times. I remembered. I ... uh, ... also wrote that on the page. The second time was during spring break. The last time was near the end of the semester. Nick told me his family was moving back to Oklahoma. I think one of his grandparents had fallen ill or something."

Every time Nick and I had fooled around, we wouldn't get dressed right away. This time I had run two fingers through his cum to taste. I wasn't sure why we did it, but it seemed hot at the time. When we cleaned ourselves, we would always lie naked and turn toward each other.

"I always wondered if I would ever do this with another guy, and now we've done it three times," Nick said.

"I know. I think about it all the time. I jack off thinking to you every night."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"It sucks that we have to hide from everybody."

We had never used the word boyfriends with each other. We didn't have the same lunch period or any other classes together other than P.E. We didn't see each other that much. Most of the time, Nick was expected at home to help watch grandkids of relatives who were at work. That first time we fooled around, he had gotten in trouble for being late. We had free time on the weekends to do things on occasion, but never an opportunity to be private. Other than doing it in my car — which I had no desire to be naked in my car — our times were limited. For the most part, Nick and I just smiled at each other in the gym. We made sure to undress next to each other most days, but we didn't want people to start talking about us.

"I know. I still like showing you my dick in P.E.," he said.

I reached over to hold it. He reached in turn to hold mine. We looked into each other's eyes and smiled.

"Hopefully, we will have time to see each other and ... do this ... over the summer."

Nick's eyes fell away from mine. He instantly looked sad.

"What's wrong?"

"I found out last week that we are moving at the beginning of the month."

"You are? Why? Where?" I whined.

"Oklahoma." Nick went on to explain the situation involving relatives. I didn't know what my face was saying, but my heart was crushed. "I hate it. I was hoping that we..." He squeezed his eyes tight.

"I'm going to miss you," I whimpered.

He opened his eyes and lunged toward me. His lips met mine. We kissed. When we pulled apart, he said, "I have wanted to do that for months."

"I wish you hadn't waited," I said, and returned his kiss.

I had kissed a boy! For some reason, that seemed more significant than holding his dick.

For two minutes we kissed on my bed. Our arms felt each other as we kissed. His hands felt my ass. My arms felt the firmness of his back. It was our final moments of nakedness.

"And he gave me my first kiss. From a boy, that is. It was simple, nothing passionate or anything. Then we just did it for a minute. I hated that he was moving away. But maybe I realized I wasn't really going to miss out on anything just because I was gay."

"Hm. I see. Well, that was a pretty mature thing to realize at what was probably a sad time."

"Yeah. I wasn't sure how to act on the gay thing. I was only a junior. I guess I figured I was just gay, but I didn't know what to do with that. It wasn't like I could survey the rest of the school to see if anyone else wanted me to feel their dick."

Logan laughed hard.

"I'm sure that would be frowned on."

"But ... without Nick ... I wasn't sure, you know? He kind of sensed something in me. At the time, I guessed it was up to me if I could pick up on signals from other guys at school."

"Adolescence is hard for all kids. You want to be accepted but your brain is just a mass of insecurities."

"And I wouldn't say I was all worked up about it. Frankly, I accepted being gay quite easily. I suppose that said something about me. But I did wonder if I was the only one at high school. If Nick left, would I ever find anyone else?"

"Did his departure cause you any issues?"

"Not serious ones. No. It was kind of an ... absence of seeing dicks, I guess."

Logan laughed again.

"Are you supposed to laugh at your patients?!"

"Mitchell! I'm laughing with you. You're funny. That's why we became friends in the first place."

"It wasn't my looks?"

"Okay. Let's move on. What was your relationship with your parents like at that time?"

Hm. I had a hard time remembering. In general, I liked my parents. They treated me well. They bought me a car when I was sixteen. They encouraged me in all the right ways, at least what I remembered.

"High school? I can't really think of a time when I didn't like my parents. I would assume most teenagers wanted to distance themselves from their folks. You know, feel independent and all that. They bought me a car when I was sixteen, so I felt like I owed them for that. They were nice to me. I felt supported, but they encouraged me to get jobs when I was old enough to do so."

"Did you ever talk about sex with them?"

"Gah! No!" I stuck fingers in my ears. "I don't even want to think about it. La la la la."

Logan wrote something down, which made me get serious again.

"Wait, did you talk about sex with your parents?"

"I had two older brothers. I didn't have to. But we aren't here to talk about me."

"Right. Because you are perfect and have all the answers."

"Mitchell, I swear. I knew I didn't want to be your therapist. This is such a bad idea."

* * * *

If you are new to my writing, you will see "Book Seven" at the beginning. See more at timothylane414stories.blogspot.com

I always enjoy hearing from readers: timothylane414@gmail.com