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12

 

"Did things get better for you?" Logan asked.

"Well, after the emptiness of Brock and the shock of Chuck, yes ... yes, they did."

I sat up on the couch. Reaching for my black journal, I flipped to a new page.

"I thought about things over and over. I focused on the new job. After a few weeks, I felt the staff knew I was gay. I wasn't wearing Pride shirts or anything, but ... I think they just knew. We would go out for drinks on Friday evenings after the bank closed. Some of us anyway. Those that were married went home to their families usually. One of the clerks introduced me to her brother who was with his coworkers at the same place. Calvin."

I glanced at my journal.

"No. 12. Calvin Ramsey. Six foot. No chest hair. Nice legs. Cut. Four inches soft, six inches hard. No pre-cum (again). Tight balls like me. Trimmed and handsome bush. Thick, white cum. Shooter. Major hair gel. Rimming crusader."

"My. That was extensive. There are some things there I'm not sure about, but it doesn't matter. I-" Logan stopped. "Rimming crusader?"

"I had never done rimming with anyone before."

"Oh."

"And Calvin loooooooved it. It was a thing between us. A. Thing!"

"And now I know," Logan said flatly.

"Obviously, there is a timing to doing all that."

"Right. Say no more."

"I could hardly take a shower without Calvin's tongue in my ass after I dried off."

"Say no more, Mitch. Seriously."

 

Calvin's hands on my ass spread my cheeks as I was shaving. As I scraped foam and stubble from my neck, his tongue probed as far into my hole as it could go.

"If I cut myself, it's your fault," I said.

A muffled "mm-hm" emanated from a wet crack behind me. His hand reached below me to fondle my balls, which was almost impossible because they were so tight, but the hot shower helped. He groped them.

I smiled as my genitals were receiving attention, still removing cream from my face with a razor. I had decided to keep the beard, at least for a while. It seemed to be filling in okay. I'd make a more definite decision by Labor Day.

Calvin's hand reached around me. It had left my balls, and now my cock was being handled. His face was still buried in my butt. His tongue had been licking my crack up and down, periodically making efforts to improvise being a hard dick. I liked being stimulated that way.

After rinsing my face, I moved to reach my towel. Calvin stood and turned me to kiss. It was a simple kiss.

"Hey! Do you know where that mouth has been?" I teased.

"I sure do." Another kiss. "And I can't get enough of your ass."

I walked into the bedroom and flopped on the bed.

"Oooo. An invitation."

I spread my legs wide and every inch of my waist was licked, kissed or tasted. My dick, my hole, my taint, my balls, my bush — all in his lips, mouth, teeth, throat and anything nearby those features.

Calvin started a wet, sloppy blowjob.

"Ohhh, babe."

He went to town on my stiff organ. I loved it. But I knew it couldn't last.

I pulled him off. "Hey. You know I love what you're doing, but I have to get to work."

"I understand. It's just nice to let you know how much I love your body."

"I know. I completely get that. And I thank you."

I was dressed, had a bagel and a cup of coffee, and worked toothpaste into a froth. Calvin was showering. I held up the spare keys and jangled them near the glass door of the shower.

"I'll let you lock up."

I hadn't given Calvin a set of keys. We had only been seeing each other for less than a month. But he had used a spare set from time to time. He always returned them on the next date.

He slightly opened the door and leaned his head out.

"Mmmm," we both voiced as we kissed.

I reached to fondle his wet dick.

"Call me," I said, as I pulled back.

On the drive to work, I couldn't help notice — feel — a smile on my face. Things were good for Calvin and me. I liked his company; the sex was good; we shared time between his apartment and mine. My roommate Martin didn't mind it when Calvin stayed over.

I wasn't sure where we would go, but the direction was clear: forward. It was nice to be dating. There was always a scariness to dating, but Calvin seemed to make it easy.

 

"Calvin was fun. We enjoyed each other's company, and he pulled me out of the funk I had been in."

"I kind of remember him."

"You met him at The Black Stallion."

"Right."

 

"You don't like country music any more than I do. Why are you excited?" I asked Calvin.

"It's a new gay bar. The neighborhood is growing."

"Don't you call it the gayborhood?"

`Yep. But I like our community having more musical options. I mean, Indigo has been around for years; it's more my scene, but I can still dig this."

We walked in. Even at a relatively early hour, it was busy. Calvin said it was because it was new. He was three years older than me. I felt I had learned a lot from him. We had watched several gay movies on DVD; he had played me music from several musical artists I didn't know were gay. Calvin was a good teacher. Being away from my parents and living on my own (sort of), I enjoyed learning all this information about gay culture. I embraced it.

The dance floor was full, which was good because I didn't know how to two-step. At one point, line dancing started, and I became fascinated. I begged Calvin for the two of us to learn. He told me he would look into it, but it looked pretty easy to pick up.

He brought our second beers to our spot as I watched the table. In my periphery, I thought a figure was standing oddly close but not moving. I turned.

"Logan."

"H – hi."

"Hey, how have you been? Oh, I'm sorry. Logan, this is my boyfriend, Calvin. Calvin, this is Logan, a ... a former love." My words just ended. I wasn't sure if that was the right description. It was the truth, at least for me. Did that make it awkward for him?

"Nice to meet you," they both said in unison, shaking hands.

It was the first time I had used boyfriend in reference to Calvin.

"I wasn't sure if you'd be happy to see me," Logan said.

"Why would that be?" Calvin asked, looking at me.

"Well ..."

"I was a dick," Logan said. "He's probably trying not to say that."

"You weren't a dick."

"I was. The last night we made love, I sort of said we should see other people."

"Ouch," Calvin winced.

"Right after we had sex," I interjected.

"Ohhhh, man!!"

"I was a dick," Logan said.

Although we were bringing up tough memories, I was happy to see Logan again. It was fun to have friends in Jackson Bend.

 

"You guys dated a while, if I'm not mistaken."

"We did. I'm not sure if you really knew him, but you and I started meeting for lunch every now and then. I told you about him. You met him our first time at The Black Stallion."

"Right. I kind of remember you telling me about the sex. Wow, it was almost foreshadowing of what we are doing here."

"I didn't talk about the sex that much."

 

"I've always thought bubble baths were more of a girl thing," I said, as Calvin washed suds on my chest.

"They're intimate," he softly said, his chin on my shoulder.

I was sitting reclined into his body behind me. Calvin's arms were around me. He had taught me to like wine. I reached for my glass. He reached for my cock below the crackling bubbles. He was pleased to find it hard and upright.

"Mmmm," he hummed, stroking it. His mouth was just inches from my ear as I took a sip.

Calvin nibbled at my ear lobe. "You're going to make me spill," I said.

"So, spill. A drip of wine in the bath won't hurt."

I set my glass back down and leaned into his body.

"My sister is SO glad you and I have become a thing. She thinks you are the greatest guy."

"She actually thinks you are pretty snazzy, too," I responded. "When did you come out to her?"

"Let's see. She's a year and a half older. I actually came out to her before I did to my parents. I was 19, and she had just turned 21. We were both in college. Not the same one. She was at the University of Chicago."

"Did she handle it well?"

"Oh yeah. She already knew. She said Mom and Dad would be fine with it. Apparently, it was a topic of conversation at one point when I was a senior in high school."

"They talked about your sexuality?"

"Apparently." He reached for his wine. After taking a sip, he said, "But she was right. They were fine. I brought a boyfriend home from college one time."

He took his hand off my cock and reached under me. I felt a finger exploring my crack. He rubbed my hole, teasing it, cleaning it.

"Can I fuck you tonight?"

"I hope so," I whispered back.

Minutes later, we released the water to its final destiny down the drain.

Calvin and I enjoyed drying each other off, but when we had suds clinging to our bodies, it seemed more playful.

We were both so hard before our bodies were even on the mattress. He rolled me over so that his tongue probed me first. It was stimulating to feel him spread my cheeks and bury his face in my crack. He licked and flicked for some time to where my hole was yearning for more than just his tongue.

"Okay, my little butt munch, I need you. More of you inside me."

I'm not sure why Calvin was a bottom more times than not. I liked it both ways. I was eager for his body to fill me. He opened me up well. I wriggled at his fingers probing me. He lubed up his erection and moved into me. I liked his dick inside me. It felt not just comfortable but right. We both sighed and moaned and breathed, his mouth at my ear.

Thrusting. Breathing.

Thrusting. Breathing.

Thrusting. Groaning.

Thrusting. Sighing.

His hips did the work, but my ass writhed around his cock. We did this well.

Calvin's arms worked under me. His whole weight buried me into the bed, while his dick drilled into me faster and harder. He held me, squeezed me, enveloped me tightly as he grunted in his orgasm. The thought of all his cum shooting up into me almost brought me off.

 

"You told me enough, as I recall," Logan said. "I remember the two of you went to get tested so you both had peace of mind that you could forgo the condoms."

"Two weeks into it; maybe three. Is it weird that the thought of cum in your ass is a total turn-on?"

"Weird? No. I think a lot of guys like it. But then again, a lot of guys hate being a bottom. I can't say if it is universal."

I smiled at Logan. "I liked having you in my life again at that time."

"Me too. I felt bad about how I ended it with you — and NOW I feel even worse — but I always appreciated our friendship. I'm glad it has lasted all these years."

"Me too."

I remembered how I wrote Logan off at the beginning of the year when Cooper didn't pick me. I was a dick. I'm so glad he didn't hold it against me.

"We've been through several things I think most friends haven't dealt with," I said.

"Me and you? Yes. Yes, I guess we have. It just makes our friendship stronger. Hopefully," he said.

"I think you are good at your job."

"Well ... thanks, Mitch. I know things in here might not proceed how you'd prefer, but I hope I am doing some good. We're only a few weeks into this."

"You are."

"I don't recall what happened between you and Calvin."

"Oh."

 

Tonight was the seven-month anniversary of Calvin and me being introduced by his sister. We were great. We saw each other at least twice every week, usually two days over the weekend. I asked Martin if I could give Calvin a key to our apartment. The two of them got along swimmingly. He had no issue with it.

The weird part was that in those seven months, we had never said "I love you" to each other. We just felt it. I was all prepared to make love to him and then surprise him with a key and those three words that were long overdue.

 

—

 

Calvin groaned louder than I preferred. Martin was home. I feared he would have heard that. My dick was deep in my boyfriend; I didn't want to be afraid that people could hear us. That would throw me off.

I gently thrust again, but deeper. Calavin groaned again. "UUUNGH!""

"Shhh." I gave him a look. "Martin's home," I whispered.

"I don't care. Fuck me."

I cared. It was humiliating for anyone to hear us make love, but I didn't want to ruin the night. Tonight was special.

I placed my mouth over his to help muffle any sounds. My hips kept gyrating, pushing my erection into Calvin's willing hole. I loved him. I loved fucking him, making love to him. With each thrust of my rigid cock, he moaned into my throat.

We came up for air.

"God, Mitchell. I love how you fuck me. It feels so good," he said. His hands reached up to hold the wooden cylinders in my bed's headboard. He whined in pleasure.

"I like being inside you," I softly said.

"Oh yes," he panted.

I liked it when he panted and breathed words of passion. No one could hear that.

"Fuck yeah," he gasped.

I kissed him again, pushing my hard dick inside my lover even faster. I could feel the stimulation building to a feverish pitch, but I wasn't ready to come yet.

Calvin took one hand from the headboard and pulled his leg even wider. I pushed in harder. He groped my ass cheek and rode it as it moved in and out of his hole.

"Fuck the hell out of me," he said again.

Gawd, what was Martin hearing?

Calvin suddenly put one leg on my shoulder.

"Fuck me harder."

He reached down to grab his cock and began stroking it.

He moaned and grunted and groaned and wailed — all too loud. My orgasm was building and there was no way to quiet him.

"I'm gonna come," I whispered.

"Come in me!"

I shoved deep in him and unloaded pulse after pulse of my white, sticky love inside him. I gasped as I came.

"Don't stop. Fuck me more!"

My climax ended, but I continued to fuck my lover. I knew Calvin well enough to know he was close. I hit his prostate again and again and he howled.

"Yes!" he yelled.

Both of us felt the warmth of his release on our stomachs.

Panting and catching our breath, we smiled as we looked into each other's eyes. Although I was embarrassed that Martin surely heard us, I didn't care. I was excited because I was just a moment from saying, "I love you."

I opened the drawer of my bedside table so that I could reach in and pull out the box with the key when the moment was just right.

"I've been wanting to say something to you tonight."

"I do too," Calvin said, but I noticed his smile diminished when he said that.

"Let me go first." I took a glance at the box but left it in the drawer. The words needed to come first. "Calvin, we've been seeing each other for seven months — and it has been great. I love my time with you."

He nodded.

"We've never really said this before, but ... it is time I totally told you. I love you, Calvin. I think you know I'm in love with you, but I wanted to say it out loud."

Calvin was silent. In my mind, I pictured this was when he admitted he had wanted to say for some time too. I had gone over this scene a hundred times today. I would say it, then he would say it, and I would give him the key and we'd kiss passionately.

Calvin was silent.

"You – you aren't saying anything."

Calvin was silent.

"You don't want to say it back," I continued.

Calvin was silent. He looked down.

"You wish I hadn't said it."

Calvin's face twisted in pain.

"Damn, Mitch. I wish I could say it back. I'm sorry."

"Oh."

"But it's not you. You're great. When I say that one day, I – I want to mean it. And – and..."

"And you aren't in love with me."

"It's not that ... it's not you ... it's just..." Calvin stopped. His hands balled into fists as he tried to find the words that would make me feel better. Words that didn't exist.

"I understand. You don't love me."

"I LOVE our time together. We're great. We have fun together. The sex is great. It's just..."

"You don't love me."

"We've been having so much fun, and I'd love us to still see each other."

"What did you want to say to me?"

Calvin let out an exasperated sigh. "I made sure you fucked me tonight because, I was going to be honest with you. Someone else fucked me Wednesday night. And ... and he didn't use a condom. I wanted to be honest. It was a stupid move on my part, and I will get tested in the next week. I want you to know that I'm safe."

"You slept with someone else?"

"We had been drinking, but we had been kind of flirty with each other."

My heart was charcoal. With each word he said, I felt a grip around my charcoal heart, making it slowly crush into ash. Why did he sleep with someone else??

"I thought we were ... exclusive."

"We had never talked about it ... and ... I'm attracted to him too. I'm not ready to be in love. I'm only 26 and you aren't even that. I'm having fun. You and I are so fun together and we still can be. Nothing has to change between us."

I wiped my eye before a tear could escape. "It already has."

"Mitch..."

"I think you should go."

"Huh?"

"I want you to leave."

"Now?"

"Now."

"Can't we talk this-"

"Please go."

"Mitch, I'm sorry. I didn't want to hurt you. I thought both of us were enjoying what we had been doing."

"I am in love with you. Or ... was. I don't know what I feel right now. I'm sort of numb. Can you just go please?"

"Mitch."

I didn't stop the tears. The last view of me that Calvin had was me sitting silently on my bed with tears dripping on the sheets.

Once he was fully dressed, he opened the bedroom door.

"I'm sorry," he whispered.

The front door closed louder than I expected. He didn't slam it. It just seemed loud.

Martin came out of his room. My bedroom door was ajar enough to where he heard me weeping. He ducked his head in.

"Did ... Calvin leave? You're crying. What's wrong? What happened?"

Martin had never seen me naked. There I was, completely exposed with tears dripping down my cheeks and falling on my leg, my stomach, my dick.

"Mitch."

"I told him I loved him," I conveyed between tears.

"And he didn't say it back."

"He – he – he said he just wanted us to keep having fun. He slept with someone else this week."

"Really?? I thought you two were solid."

"I did too."

"But I thought I heard... I thought you two made love tonight."

"Oh God!! And you heard it all before ... before he admitted he wasn't in love with me. Dear lord, how embarrassing! I'm so sorry you heard us. It's humiliating. I'm sorry, Martin. I'm sorry that you had to hear that. We didn't take you into consideration. I'm so sorry."

And I wept. And wept.

"Please don't worry about that. I was kind of envious."

"Ha. Well ... you won't have to be anymore."

"It's – it's over then?"

"I love him. If he doesn't love me, then ... yeah. I'm well beyond a friends-with-benefits situation."

"I'm sorry."

Martin held me. It should have been extremely awkward as I was sitting there nude. But it was comforting.

 

"I was prepared to give him a key right after I told him I loved him."

"Oh yeah. I remember. He didn't say it back."

"We had just had sex."

Logan gasped. "Like ... like me?"

"It was similar. You wanted to end it with me. He just wanted it to continue without any love attached."

Logan buried his face in his hands. "I'm sorry you had to feel all that again," he said softly.

"The funny thing was that I was ready to love again. I felt good about getting to that point."

"And your heart got trampled."

"Yeah." I grabbed a tissue. I wasn't crying, but my eyes welled.

"What happened after the breakup?" Logan said, removing his hands from his face but still looking down at his desk.

"We didn't see each other ever again. He texted me the next day that he was sorry and that he did care for me. He said one day he might want to fall in love and commit to one person, but that wasn't right then. When he said the words, he wanted them to mean something."

"I remember you telling me a little of this, but ... not all of this."

"That was a decade ago. I was embarrassed."

"Embarrassed?? He did it to YOU. Why weren't you angry?"

"I probably was. I just didn't want you to see me that way. I didn't want you to think of me as some loser."

"Mitchell. Why would I have thought that?"

"You broke up with me almost a year earlier."

"God."

"I – I – I thought you might think no one could ever love me, so I just simply told you we broke up."

"Which – which was true." Logan sighed. "I'm sorry, Mitchell."

I no longer knew what to say. My memories during this session were not pleasant. This past hour was tough: I had casual sex with someone I had no emotional connection to. My only attempt at a dating app turned into a hookup with a married man. And Calvin ... just one more person who didn't choose me.

"Did you hold this inside?"

"Some. I told Martin a little; I told you a little."

"How would you say this experience affected you?"

"I don't remember everything. I remember it sucked. I remembered screaming a lot in my car when I would carry on both sides of conversations in my head. I was just down. I knew I was good at sex; he still wanted that. I just didn't feel ... lovable."

"That was hard."

"I remember not even jacking off for almost two weeks. And when I did, it was almost violent."

"Our time is up unfortunately. I hate to end on this solemn note."

"That was my world."

"You shared a lot. Thank you."

"It's funny. When I left my last sessions, I reconnected with Cruz, with Arlo. This time ... Brock and Chuck and Calvin are people I didn't ever want to see again. I deleted Calvin's number a few weeks later. His sister apologized to me when she heard, but even that was several weeks later."

"We'll pick up here next week," he said. I think he felt bad with the session ending on a sad note.

As I drove home, I wondered if Calvin ever found real love. Surely in ten years it had to have happened. Maybe not. Maybe he was just hooking up. Maybe he was on all the apps like Chuck, just looking for "fun."

The pain I had felt remembering Calvin telling me he had slept with someone else stabbed me again. It became worse as I realized for the thousandth time what Cooper must have felt when he walked in and saw me doing it with another man.

Damn.

Fuck.

I pulled over and leaned forward. My forehead rested on the steering wheel.

When would life get better?

 

* * * *

 

Email: timothylane414@gmail.com