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Each of Mitch's sessions have involved three "men" in the book. The last session recalled unpleasant times that involved meaningless sex, a traumatic dating app experience, and a lover who didn't want to be tied down to one person. This begins the fifth session.
13
"How do you choose your magazines in the waiting room?" I
asked Logan, as I entered his office.
"Uh ... I don't. We just have ongoing subscriptions, I think.
I've never been involved with them. Are they any good?"
"Honestly, I haven't really looked at them. I just noticed
none of the titles interest me."
"Hm." Logan didn't know what to say to that. "It is starting
to feel like fall, isn't it?"
"Yes. It's quite cool today. I'm sure Halloween decorations
will be going up soon."
"Too soon," he said. "I think they go up earlier than
Christmas decorations do."
"I'm not so sure about that. I don't mind the Christmas
stuff though. I was never a huge Halloween fan."
I sat my black book down on the table next to the couch in
Logan's office.
"Any thoughts since our session last week?" he asked.
"Nothing serious. It was such a downer, I kind of left feelings
sort of gloomy, but ... I know we got past that. I sure wasn't proud of any of
that ... past."
"But you had emotional breakthroughs, though."
"By emotional, you mean I lost it and cried like a child."
"Mitchell, people tend to hold things inside. They feel
telling someone their fears and mistakes makes them look odd or wrong or
imperfect. We're all imperfect. We're all fallible. We're human."
"It has been somewhat eye-opening as to what I've kept
inside. I really don't know if I could have told this to any other therapist.
You put me at ease."
"Well, thank you for that. I still think someone who doesn't
know you might have better insights into your growth, but-"
"Nope. It's your insights into ME that I completely trust."
Logan was always professionally dressed. He had a sportscoat
on today with no tie. I liked how he looked. I still found him handsome. He was
exactly the type of person I could see myself pursuing again. But ... he was
married. He and Nate were good. I didn't know his husband well, but I got the
clear impression that things were great between them. I always liked a hairy
chest, and I could see a little sticking out of Logan's shirt.
"Shall we begin?"
I reached for my book.
"Number 13. Kenneth Parsons. Cop. Five-inch cock soft, eight
hard. Tight pubes. Cut. Pre-cum — finally! — loose balls, nice size. Thin cum,
great distance. Gorgeous ass."
"These descriptions are certainly interesting."
"This was all your idea, remember."
"Eight inches, that's ... impressive."
"He was Black. I tried not to compare him to Marq, but ... is
it stereotyping to think of Black men as hung?"
"Perhaps, but certainly not in a derogatory way."
"Anyway, Marq had thick, white cum and Kenneth was thinner
and clearer. Marq's cum was so beautiful on his skin. Kenneth's wasn't that
way, but man could he shoot."
"Okay. None of this is relevant. Do you not ever write
anything but stats on your men's genitals and such?"
"Actually, yes. Just words though. I'm not sure they would
make sense to you."
"Why wouldn't they?"
I flipped through a few pages. "On Brock's page, I wrote: bathroom, the name of a porn star, the brand
of a shirt and no sparks."
"I guess you are right. I'm not sure what all that means."
"For what I can remember, I jotted down bathroom
because I thought his was kind of ... gross. Not filthy, just not clean. It made
me take a harder look at mine. I remembered liking the shirt he was wearing, so
I looked at the tag so I could seek out that brand."
"I see."
"For Chuck, I wrote burn in hell and the name of the
hotel so I would never go near there."
"Ouch."
"For Calvin, I wrote all the movies and musical artists he
taught me about. I liked all the gay culture. I wrote tender, melons,
no sparks and why again? Hmm. I can't even remember what melons
meant."
"I'm glad he got one positive attribute in there."
"For Kenneth, I wrote handsome, kind, laughter,
no sparks, and felt sorry."
"Felt sorry?"
"You'll see."
"Tell me about your relationship with Kenneth."
"My roommate Martin was training to be a cop. One night I
joined him and one of his trainers for dinner. Burgers. Through our
conversation, I openly admitted I was gay. It wasn't a big announcement or
anything, but it fit the conversation — not that I can remember it now. Three
weeks later, Martin told me that Kenneth wanted my number."
"Hmm. Had you picked up on anything that night?"
"No. Nothing at all. I didn't pick up any gay vibes."
"Interesting. Continue."
"So anyway, I asked why."
"I believe he wants to ask you
out. I'm not 100 percent for sure, but ... I believe so."
"Has he told you he was gay?"
"Not in so many words, but he
did ask me the other day if you were seeing anyone," Martin said. "I just
assumed he was interested."
"Wow. A gay cop. Yeah. Sure.
Give him my number."
"The fact that he is Black
doesn't present any issues?"
"Not for me. I've been with a
Black man before."
"Okay."
"Apparently, he was interested in me. Kenneth was really handsome. I find certain Black men supremely hot.
Kenneth was one. Being a cop, he was very fit as well."
"I dunno. I've seen some overweight cops."
"Whatever."
"I'm glad you agreed to go out
with me," Kenneth said.
"I ... was intrigued."
"You're very handsome, Mitch,"
he said, as the server brought us our beers.
"Likewise."
We made simple chitchat as we
waited for our food to arrive. Kenneth talked mostly about how Martin was doing
in his training and how he was almost finished. I admired both
of them for serving the public in this way. It was a demanding — and
often thankless — job.
"If I can be forward, Kenneth...
can I call you Ken?"
"I actually prefer Kenneth."
"Okay. If I can be forward, I
really didn't get the impression when we met that you ... you were ..."
"Gay?"
"Yeah. Don't let anything I say
here be offensive in any way. I was just surprised when Martin said you were
interested."
"Well, I suppose I have a
confession to make."
I cut into my steak, but my eyes
indicated that I was still listening.
"I experimented with some
friends in high school. I guess that got me ... questioning. In college, I only
dated women. My family was pretty religious. It wasn't
until my senior year until I slept with a woman. I felt I had to hide that from
my mother, even at 21. She wouldn't have approved of premarital sex. All
through college though, I still found myself looking at men."
"I see." I was very interested
in his story.
"With my family and ... well,
being Black ... being gay isn't really an option. But ..." He sighed.
"But you are. Or at least
bisexual."
"Maybe. I often wonder if the
reason I didn't sleep with a woman until I was a senior was because I was more
interested in men. I'm still not completely certain."
"So where do I fit in?" I said,
buttering a roll.
Kenneth took a bite of his
chicken fried steak. As he was chewing, his eyes looked toward the ceiling. I
could tell he was evaluating his answer to my question. He swallowed.
"I'm sure I will look silly, if
not childish. You've had so much more experience, I'm sure, but ..." He put his
silver down and looked at me intently. "When you were so casual about saying
you were gay a few weeks ago, it struck me. You were so confident and sure of
yourself. I was so impressed; I admired you."
"Me?"
"Yes. You didn't hide anything.
You were so good looking and self-assured. I thought about you every day after
we met."
"Wow." I was unprepared for his
kind words. "What did you mean by `being Black, gay isn't an option'? According
to whom?"
"I'm not so oblivious to think
there are no gay Black people, but it's rather shunned from where I'm from. In
our culture, fathers are taught to bring boys up to be virile, masculine men."
"I hate that. I hate that people
don't think you can be gay and masculine at the same time."
"Exactly. That's why you
impressed me so much. You were everything I wanted to be."
"So, what are your plans now?"
"Kenneth's background didn't allow him to be gay, or at
least he didn't think he could be or should be."
"Meaning?" Logan asked.
"I mean ... he was. But his upbringing shunned it.
During this date, he kind of confessed that he was impressed that I could be so
open and self-assured. It made him confront his real feelings."
"So how did this relationship develop after that?"
"Slowly. We just talked that first night. I saw him three
nights in a row. We kissed the second night. The third night was heavy kissing,
but he still was hesitant to ..."
"Make love?"
"Right. I knew he was unsure. And nervous. And fearful of
his family."
"So ... he made it into the book. What happened?"
"After two weeks, I was really drawn to Kenneth. He was a
kind man. He was three years older than me, but that didn't mean anything. We
laughed a lot. Kissed a lot. We became comfortable
with each other. I was at his place one evening. We were making out, and I
reached down to ... his crotch. He was hard. I asked if he was ready for more. He
was scared to, but admitted he wanted to. So ... that
night, he received his first blowjob from me."
"Did he participate in return?"
"Oh, yeah."
"Oh yeah," I gasped as Kenneth
pulled on my cock until I stopped coming. "Man. Nice."
Cum was on my chest. I wiped it
into my hand and then gripped his dick again and resumed sucking it. Kenneth's
body was a joy to watch. He was enjoying our sexual adventure. The way he
breathed, the way he moaned ... it was blissful to see someone completely
surrender themselves and enjoy sheer pleasure.
"Mitch, I'm gonna ... I'm gonna ...
UNGH!"
I had taken my mouth off his
cock. I was just going to let him come on his chest like I did. Kenneth's cum
hit his neck.
"Ooo.
Nice," I called out.
He kept coming. I remembered
Marq's cum being so white. Kenneth's wasn't. It wasn't as striking on his skin,
but he came a lot. It was rather impressive — as was his cock.
After I released his organ, I
just curled up to his side. His arm was around me and pulled my body closer into his.
After a minute, his head tilted
up to look at his chest. "What do we do now?"
I chuckled. "I can grab a cloth
from the bathroom to wipe us off, but ..."
"Yeah?"
"How would you feel about a
shower?"
"Together?"
`Yes."
"There was an innocence to Kenneth. Almost a ... purity. When
we showered together following our first encounter, I could sense this freedom,
almost a pride in finally being who he wanted to be."
"Nice."
"It was."
The alarm went off. I rolled
over to put my arm around him. He hummed feeling our skin press against each
other.
"How do you feel?" I asked.
"What do you mean?"
"Well, we took it a little
further last night. I enjoyed it; I think you did too. But ... here we are the
next day. I've slept over. How do you feel about all this?"
"I loved last night. It was fun.
I enjoyed you being in my bed." He paused. "But ... at some point today, I might
start thinking about my family and wonder what they would think and all that
shit."
"I'm glad you got to be the man
you wanted to be."
"He had doubts. There were concerns as to whether he was
doing the right thing, but we cared for each other."
"How long did you see each other?"
"All in all? Hmm ... maybe ... five weeks?"
"So, what happened?"
"After a month, I asked him to fuck me. It was scary for
him. I never fucked him. I figured it would be easier for me to always bottom.
We did it a few times, but I always wondered if that was what pushed it too
far."
"I don't understand."
"We weren't the most incredible people in the world when it
came to sex, but it was very ... real. We weren't pretentious. We just enjoyed
being with each other and our sex life showed that. I enjoyed it."
"And...?"
"I think his doubts got the better of him."
"Mitchell, I ... hate doing this.
I hate saying this."
Kenneth had asked to meet in a
Starbucks near his precinct.
"What's going on?" I asked.
"I know we had plans for the
weekend, but ..." His face twisted in pain. "I just ... I just can't do this
anymore."
"What are you saying?"
"I didn't say anything to my
family. But I spent time with them, and not being able to talk about you was
killing me. Then my aunt came over and attempted to fix me up with a woman. In
conversation, there were some jabs that if I didn't start dating, people were
going to think I was gay. And-"
"And you are."
"But ... I can't be with my
family. It just won't fly. I'm going to try to ... live a straight life."
"What? Are you serious?"
"I think I can do it. It's not
like I don't find women pretty. I do."
"But you prefer men. You prefer
ME."
"God knows I do. My parents
would never understand." Kenneth whimpered. "I'm sorry, Mitch. This isn't fair
to you. I'm sorry. I just ... you deserve better."
"But I like what we have."
"But it can't last. Not in my
world. Trying to avoid ... everything ... with them, I was just miserable. I can't
go through life that way."
"You could just be honest and
not hide."
"I'm sorry. It's not that simple
for me. My family, my culture ... I just can't make it work. I'm going to try to
find a woman and ..."
"And live the life your family
wants and not the life you want."
"I know. I feel trapped. But ... I
feel if I am going to attempt this, I need to be completely honest with you."
"But not them."
"You just don't understand."
"He broke it off. He said his family would never accept us.
They wouldn't accept him. So, he made the decision to try to live a straight
life."
"Oh, Mitch. I'm sorry that your heart was broken yet again."
"I suppose, but it broke more for him than me. We hadn't
been together that long. Kenneth was looking at lying to himself his whole
life. I just hurt for him. I was sad, yeah. And
frustrated. But I hated knowing he wasn't going to live the life he wanted."
"Rough."
"And how did this affect you moving forward?"
"I suppose I was crestfallen, but it didn't turn me off on
trying again. I knew this ending was something that Kenneth had to deal with;
it wasn't my issue. Disappointed, sure. But we were only a month into it. It
wasn't like he was the love of my life or anything."
"What do you remember most about this experience?"
I thought for a moment. "In a very random, odd thing to say,
not only was Kenneth's dick big, but the coloration was interesting to me. With
both Marq and Kenneth ... I don't know; I found Black guys' dicks kind of cool."
"Very random. Very odd."
"But seriously, I felt lucky."
"Why?"
"I knew who I was. I could only see pain for Kenneth. If he
tried to live a straight life, he knew he would be lying to himself — and
that's sad. If he denied himself true love because of his family, that would be
sad. In the long run, I figured he would either get married and cheat on his
wife with men, or he would eventually hate living a dual life and finally come
out."
"Did you ever connect with him again?"
"No. However, Martin did from time to time over the years.
>From what I heard, Kenneth got married, and they had a kid. Now, he is living
with a man. I think. More shockingly, I believe he got shot on the job."
"Goodness! We don't give the police enough credit for the
risks they take every day."
"Very true."
I made the decision to try to find Kenneth following the
session with Logan. He was a good person. It would make me feel better to know
he was okay and that his life fell into place.
"Kenneth sounds like he wasn't just in a different place in
accepting his sexuality but also in his amount of experience. He was new to everything.
By this point in your twenties, I am kind of surprised you got involved with
someone that inexperienced."
"I'm not sure how to take that."
"Nothing judgmental. You had experiences with twelve men
before him. He really was just a beginner."
"Sure. It wasn't the type of relationship I would go
seeking, but he was the one who asked me out. I took a liking to him. He's a
very kind man. I enjoyed his company. If I hadn't, I wouldn't have stayed with
him for just the sex life we had. I mean, I enjoyed it, sure. But, yeah, I
appreciate the more involved stuff."
"What do you think he will remember about you the
most?"
"Hm. That's tough." I scratched my forehead as I thought
about how to answer Logan's question. "I'd like to think he found me
understanding. He complimented me a lot — my self-confidence, my looks. I hope
he thought I was patient and loving."
"You are."
"Why do you say that?"
"Because you are. I always appreciated that about you when
we dated. You might be impulsive now and then, but you are always patient."
"Thanks. Impulsive, I suppose. I ruined my relationship with
Cooper because I was impulsive. And stupid. But now that you have made me think
about this, there were some parallels between Kenneth and Cooper."
"How so?"
"Cooper was also new to the gay world, so to speak. I was
just so super attracted to him at work that I was fine with showing him the
ropes. He was very lost and confused. I felt good about being able to help him
navigate all that."
"Even though it led to a divorce?"
"That was inevitable. He was gay. He knew he was gay. He
hated hiding he was gay. It all led to his drinking problem."
"Do you think you were a calming influence for Cooper?"
"I don't know. I'd like to think I was. He was in so much
conflict. But I also knew us flirting with each other and doing minor stuff was
creating an internal debate. He realized who he was, what he was. But that
didn't align with everything up to that point. Cooper had gone past denial, but
he hadn't fully embraced acceptance either. Thus, the drinking."
"I'm glad you were able to help him through that time."
"AA patients aren't supposed to date their first year in the
program, but..."
"Those aren't hard rules."
"But I get it. Had I just abandoned Cooper, he would have
gone back to the bottle. I'm almost certain of that. I stayed with him though.
When he and Natalie split, I gave him a place to go. He was ..." I sighed. "He
was a mess then. I just wanted to take care of him. I suppose I was falling for
him pretty fast."
"Even with all the issues in his life?"
"Yes. There is something about Cooper — and not just because
he's so gorgeous. He's ... just easy to love. He never got that though."
"You took care of Cooper, and you — in a way — took care of
Kenneth. Is this a quality within you that you like to do?"
"Is it a quality, really? I was there for Kenneth, but I
didn't really help him out that much. I was patient. But he separated himself
from me. I'm not sure I `took care of him.' I was just here for him. But ...
Cooper, yeah. But that was the only time I felt like I really stepped up to
take care of someone."
For a moment, I lost track of our conversation. My mind drifted to what Logan had said. For the past year and a half, I just thought of myself as the man who cheated on the person he loved the most. I've hardly thought of myself in a positive way for ages. For Logan to say I had good qualities, it was almost a beam of light from heaven. I was admittedly still a mess, but he was doing a good job of sifting through my past to find out how I tick. It's nice that there are some glimmers of hope in there.
"Now I remember, I wrote down melons because he was
allergic to them."
* * * *
Please see a post called "Turning Away" on my blog: timothylane414stories.blogspot.com
Email: timothylane414@gmail.com