Oh, here we are.

We all knew this was coming...

 

 

20

 

Logan asked me point blank.

"Th-th-the reason I cheated was ... was so stupid. It was a huge mistake." My voice changed to a whimper. "I'd do anything to take it back."

I sniffed as I felt tears coming on. Logan remained silent. He was just going to let me get this out. How could I say it? My confession would make me the worst person in the world.

I choked on phlegm in my throat. I reached for a tissue. And then I just cried. Thinking about the biggest mistake of my life consumed me. I blew my nose and coughed some more. Strangely, Logan just let me release what was inside me.

I breathed hard trying to force myself to stop crying.

Between coughs and gasps, I finally said, "Now I wish I hadn't asked you to be my therapist."

"Why?"

"Because you're my friend! And ... and I have to tell you embarrassing things about myself."

"Mitchell, we've discussed penises and testicles and hard breakups. What could be more embarrassing than what we have already discussed?"

"Because I'M the one at fault. This is all my fault. I have to face the fact that I'm an awful person."

"You're a human being. People are capable of making mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes."

"The biggest one in my life," I whimpered.

"Let me interject here. When you were in love with ..." Logan looked at his notes. ... Calvin, and he slept with someone else, that ended it for you. You've been faithful to your love interests. You're very loyal. But this big mistake was with the person you had ever loved the most. I'm not sure why you did this. I'm not saying this to judge you, but I'm ... wondering why. It wasn't like your usual mindset. Your personality wasn't one to just go out and find others when you were in a relationship."

"H-h-he found me," I sobbed.

I cried more. I grabbed tissues — several — and blotted my eyes. I blew my nose again.

"Why did you let it happen? Dig deep. Think hard."

"I – I don't have to."

With tissues still pressed to my eyes, I reached for the book.

"No. 20," I sniffed. "Derek. Arlo's penis."

There was silence.

"That's it?"

"Underneath it, I wrote ... Damn it all to hell." Tears returned.

"I need help to understand. Explain."

"I'm a HORRIBLE PERSON."

"You're my friend. Of all my patients, I'm closer to you than any of them. We've known each other for years. You're a kind person. Just look how you helped out Cooper when his life was falling apart."

"Sure. Then I fuck another man in OUR bed." I kept balling up the tissues to my eyes hoping to make them stop leaking.

"Start at the beginning with this ... this Derek. Did you even know his last name?"

"No. It was so random. So casual. He worked for FedEx. He was making a delivery on our floor. I went to the bathroom just steps before he came in. There were two urinals. The two upper floors had updated bathrooms. Our floor didn't have the remodel. It was fairly old. Nice enough, but there weren't dividers between urinals."

Logan infuriatingly jotted something down. It was probably how pathetic I was.

I could look over and see ... well, everything. Derek had a fantastic dick. The more I looked at it, the more it reminded me of Arlo's."

"The ... `sparks' guy?"

"Yeah. Derek noticed me looking at it. He looked at mine. That told the two of us what we needed to know. He finished peeing and shook his cock. But he didn't put it away. He liked me looking at it and it kept getting bigger."

 

"Like it?" he softly asked.

"It's ... yeah."

"I like yours too."

 

"It was less than a minute, maybe even half a minute, and we both just stood there, pulling our clothes back, exposing our cocks to each other. This sounds insane, but ... it was Arlo's dick. It looked exactly like it — the length, the girth, the head, even the texture. I wanted to grab it so bad."

"But you didn't?"

"No. He finally asked, `I'd like to see ... more of you sometime. Interested?"

"'I shouldn't,' I said, and I stuffed my erection into my pants. `Think it over,' he told me. `I'm Derek.' I was motionless for a moment. I took one last glance — and he loved showing me — and then I darted to the sink and gave my hands a two second rinse. Just before I darted out, I foolishly said, `I'm Mitch.' I don't know why I did that."

"Because in that moment, you wanted his anatomy."

"I did. I did. I did. I did. Fuck."

"Then what?"

"I had no interest in cheating on Cooper, but for days, I just fixated on what I had seen. Once, when Cooper worked late, I jerked off at home just thinking about Derek's cock."

"Not good."

"No! I almost became obsessed with it. I thought about it so often."

"Why?"

"Because of that one stupid time when I made love to Arlo and the sex made me see sparks. I ... I just wanted to know if I could do that again. Like a baseball player lusting after hearing the crack of the bat, I just wanted to feel it one more time. I wanted to know if it was possible."

"And you think he had the dick to make it happen??"

"That's what was going through my head. It's stupid. But your dick makes you do stupid things."

"If you let it."

I buried my face in my hands. I breathed in and out. Telling Logan — saying the words out loud — made me look so foolish and childish and selfish.

"I never wanted to hurt Cooper. I never intended to cheat on him."

"But you did."

"Two weeks after that bathroom episode, Derek knocked on my door. He had a package under his arm. I looked at him. He looked at me. He smiled. `I have a break after I drop this off,' he said. He waited for me to reply. I told him I was busy. He shut the door behind him. We were alone. He stepped to my desk. His arm holding the package looked nicely toned. His other hand reached down to ... his package and just rubbed the front of his shorts."

"What went through your mind?"

"I could think of nothing but his dick. He was super masculine to me. His sandy brownish-red hair was tousled, nice beard ... I caught my breath. It was ... bad."

"Bad how?"

"I wanted him. I didn't want to cheat on Cooper, but I wanted to see if his cock could make me see sparks. Just to see ... and then that's it."

"A one-time thing?"

"Exactly. I ... I just wanted to see. I had thought about it over and over. It's stupid, I know. But I got obsessed. If I found out I could still see them, then I'd know."

"But what if you did? Say you did see sparks; then what? If it's like the crack of the bat, you'd want it again and again."

"No." I stopped to think. That wasn't what I was intending that day. I just wanted to know. But ... Logan was on to something. "I ... I never looked at it that way." I looked at Logan. "You're probably right. I would want to feel it again. I'd be figuring out how to sneak around on Cooper."

My face twisted in pain. I started sobbing again.

"I'm shit!" I wailed. "I justified it all in my mind that day because it was just ... finding out a physical thing about me. But it was cheating plain and simple." I cried hard. "I hate myself."

"Don't hate yourself. That's not going to help you in your recovery."

"But I ruined EVERYTHING! I have no idea how Cooper ever forgave me."

"But he did."

"But as hard as he tried, he couldn't trust me ever again."

"No. As we unpackaged all his feelings — and again, I shouldn't really discuss other patients — the lines of trust were severed. There was no fixing them."

"I know," I cried.

"But he forgave you, Mitch."

"That didn't help us repair what went wrong. It was a wall. He couldn't get over it or around it. It was a wall."

"Tell me, if you told Derek that you were busy, how did he wind up in your bed?"

 

Derek leaned over my desk. His shirt was unbuttoned enough to let me see short brown hair on his chest. I gulped trying to get some oxygen to breathe.

"I've been thinking about you."

"Huh?" I uttered.

He whispered. "I like your cock. I'd love it to be inside me."

I breathed in deeply. "I – I – I can't." I fumbled for a picture of Cooper, Corey and me on my desk. I turned it to him. "I'm in a relationship."

Derek looked at the picture. "My. He is a hot one. Perhaps he could join us."

"No. Cooper isn't like that."

"Are you like that, Mitch? He wouldn't have to know. We could just enjoy each other, and Cooper would be fine."

He rubbed the front of his crotch again. I noticed his pants starting to tent.

"I'm hard just thinking about you fucking me," he whispered. It was so sexy and so hot and ... so wrong.

I wanted to fuck him. I wanted him to fuck me. But — how could I even think about that for a second?!

"If today doesn't work, what's a good time tomorrow?" he asked softly.

Something clicked. It was like I was tasked to schedule something. I looked at my calendar. I could make it work, but I shouldn't make it work.

"I'm sure I can work in some time," he said, all but hovering over me.

I could never do it. I couldn't do it. I shouldn't do it. But ... what if I really could see sparks one more time? I just wanted to find out. That was it. That was all. I didn't want to cheat on Cooper, I just wanted to find out.

"T-t-twelve tomorrow?" I awkwardly babbled.

"Perfect," he said, leaning closer. "Where?"

"Give me your phone number. I'll text you the address."

Derek tore off a slip of paper and wrote his cell number down. Then he unzipped his pants, shoved the paper on his cock and rubbed it up and down. Then he pulled it out and handed it to me.

"It will be sensational," he whispered.

Fuck. I was doing this. Or was I? I could back out. I didn't have to see sparks.

He gave me a villainous grin on his way out. He mouthed the word "tomorrow" and left.

I held the sides of my head in my hands. Was I crazy?? It was just this once. I'd find out my answer. Cooper wouldn't have to know. Things would just move on.

Fifteen minutes later, my fingers nervously texted Derek our address.

Fuck. I was doing this.

 

—

 

As I showered the next morning, my mind was cannon fire. I was just going to get it over with, and then I'd know. For sure. Once and for all. I didn't love Cooper an iota less. If I found out I could see them, then maybe we'd figure out a way for Cooper to help me see sparks. Some way. Maybe a sex toy or something.

This was crazy. How was I even considering it? My heart pounded.

I pictured his dick as the water poured over my lathered crotch. I shouldn't get erect thinking about another man.

This was crazy.

I had told Cooper before bed that I had to leave the building for a meeting. I was taking my own car. He left before me by a few minutes. He spoke of what he had planned for dinner, and then he kissed me goodbye. I looked at the Christmas decorations around the apartment. I immediately felt like I needed to buy Cooper something extra.

This was crazy.

I couldn't have been efficient at work. All I thought about was Derek's and Arlo's dicks. Hard. Stiff. Inside me. Pounding me. Bringing an extreme orgasm to me. Sparks. I wanted to see them.

I left the office at 11:45. "Early lunch," I muttered to the secretary in the foyer across from the elevators.

My heart pounded as I drove home. This was crazy. Fuck. I was doing it.

Derek was waiting for me outside our apartment building. He smiled at me.

"I'm glad you didn't back out."

Why didn't I? This was crazy!

He followed me to our apartment.

Fuck. I was doing this.

"I may have some specific instructions," I said.

"Ooooo. A man in charge. I can roll with that."

I was sure Derek had much more deviant thoughts in mind than what I was meaning. I just wanted to duplicate what Arlo and I had done. But we didn't have pot. We didn't have beer. Were those crucial?

In our bedroom, Derek wasted no time.

"I like to undress my lovers," he said. He started unfastening my pants and unbuttoning my shirt.

I stared at the bed. It was perfectly made. I had to make sure it looked exactly like this when we were done.

Within a minute, he had me stepping out of my underwear and pants. I was only wearing socks. They were dark socks and didn't look sexy in bed. I pulled them off.

"My turn," he suggested in a husky voice. God, he was hot.

My hands slowly worked on buttons and zippers and elastic waistbands. As all his clothes landed on the floor, his spectacular erection greeted me. He started to pull off his socks.

"Don't," I said. "White socks are kind of sexy."

"Interesting."

"Not that we have to be there right away, but I want to be the bottom."

"My idea is that we do it both ways. Are you on PReP?"

"Cooper and I are monogamous. I was tested just before him."

"Well, he doesn't need to know anything. It'll just be our secret." Derek reached for my cock.

Fuck. I was doing this.

Suddenly, I thought of everything. Lube. Towels. The bed. Why did I pick here??! There was too much to give it all away.

This was crazy.

Derek threw back the bedspread. He pulled me to the bed. Within seconds, his mouth had devoured my cock.

"Ohhhh. Oh, yeah."

I let him suck me a few minutes. It was very satisfying. But I didn't want to take it too far.

I pulled him off. He tried to kiss me, but I pushed back. I shook my head no. He grinned. He moved his mouth to my ear.

"I. Need. Your. Mouth. On. My. Cock," he whispered.

"Yeah."

Derek got on his knees and moved his crotch to my face. My head was nestled in my pillow against the headboard. He moved in and out of my open mouth. I slurped and consumed, and it reminded me of Arlo's dick. It felt every bit the same as I remembered. I sucked him for a few minutes, and his groaning told me I was doing a good job. But I needed him inside me, so I couldn't let myself bring him off.

"I should stop. You need to fuck me."

"Ohhh, Mitch. Before I do. I need your long dick inside me. I've thought about it for days."

"You have?"

"I like your long cock. It's fantastic."

"It is?"

I covered the sheets with a towel. I grabbed the lube from my nightstand.

"I like to ride," he said.

Derek positioned himself above me. I was glad he positioned himself toward my feet. I didn't have to look at him while we fucked.

Slowly, my javelin penetrated him.

"Oh yeah. That's it," Derek called out. He wasn't a quiet lover, but at least he wasn't screaming.

I could do this for a while, but I needed to make sure that he fucked me. I wanted to see the sparks. All I wanted was to know for sure.

He rode my cock for a minute, and it felt incredible. I loved being inside him. I usually bottomed with Cooper — and I liked that — but this felt great. Derek had a way of conveying pleasure with the sounds he made. It wasn't words, and it wasn't even really groaning. It sounded like ... sexual pleasure. Vowels.

I began thrusting up into him. He leaned back on stiff arms. My hips thrust my erection into his willing hole. I became enthralled listening to him.

Did I hear something else?

Derek's oral gratification drew me in. I closed my eyes and listened to him being fucked by my rigid pole.

Fucking.

"Fuck!!" someone screamed. It wasn't Derek.

I opened my eyes. Cooper was in the doorway to the bedroom.

No! NO! It couldn't be! NOOOO!

"Fuck!" he screamed, turning away.

He was halfway down the hall. What should I do?! What COULD I do???

"Cooper! Wait!!"

The apartment door slammed.

"Yikes," Derek said, sheepishly pulling his ass off my cock.

 

"It all just happened so fast. Derek was forward. Very forward. When I said I was busy, he said he'd be happy to work into my schedule. I was a lunatic. I should have just told him to leave. Things just spiraled and ... a time was set the next day. We did it in our bed while Cooper was at work. Or did for a while."

"Because Cooper found you."

My bottom lip quivered. "Yeah."

"Then what?"

"When I saw Cooper in the doorway, my world crumbled around me. I hated myself. I hated Derek. I hated Arlo's dick for ever making me see sparks. I hated the universe. But most of all, I hated me. I fucked everything up."

"If I recall, you called me when Cooper didn't come home."

"Right. I texted him and left a million messages. He was just gone. I didn't know where he was. All I could think about was him getting drunk and being in a wreck and ... my mind went down so many roads. I was worried he was going to kill himself in a car wreck, and I was responsible." I breathed for a moment. "Thankfully, he stayed with an AA friend that night."

"Did you guys talk about it?"

"No. While I was at work the next day, he took all his stuff. He left furniture behind and found an apartment. God, Corey was uprooted again. Damn me. Within days, he had a makeshift mode of living in a mediocre apartment. He bought new furniture ... or well, some was cheap used stuff. He just reacted on the fly."

"He didn't return calls or texts?"

"No. Actually, just one. He buried himself in Christmas things with his family — and he didn't even really like them. The day before Christmas Eve, he texted me one message: Don't communicate with me. And I died a million deaths. My world ended."

"You called me a lot when the new year started."

"I probably owe you money for those weeks."

Logan chuckled. "I was your friend, not your therapist."

"Weeks and weeks went by. I knew I had to let him process everything. There was no way he could ever forgive me while he was still angry. But my life was over. I ruined it. If I was a suicidal-type person, that would have pushed me over."

"Please don't say things like that."

"Have you ever lost a patient to ..."

"Yes. Please don't say things like that."

I didn't know what to say next. Logan spent a lot of time writing things. It was longer than he had ever spent time putting things to paper.

"Since your time with ... Derek ... was interrupted, did the two of you ever ..."

I sighed a huge sigh. "Gaaawwwd. Yeah. It was late January. He popped into my office when he delivered something to the building. `Hey there,' he said. He asked if things got smoothed over at home. I told him it was over. He said he was sorry. Then he asked if I would like to finish what we started."

"What a prick. Wait, did you ...?"

"I did. Unfortunately. Cooper and I had been broken up for about five weeks. I knew we weren't getting back together. I was so depressed. I knew I couldn't feel any lower. It was just kind of ... why the hell not?"

"You hadn't told me all this."

"I unloaded that I cheated on the person I loved the most. I couldn't think about you thinking less of me."

"At least you were single then."

"I will be single the rest of my life! Do you know why!? Because I suck!! I don't deserve love. I am not worthy of anybody's love." I breathed hard. All my depression came back to me. "I don't know what to do, Logan," I whimpered. "I don't know how to stop hating myself. I used to think if I moved elsewhere, if I transferred, I could get away from it. But I'd still just take all those feelings with me. They would follow me. I don't know how to stop hating myself. That's my problem, isn't it?"

"It's something we should deal with, yes."

"The sad thing is — the fucking sad thing — is that when I had sex with Derek again, it was awful. It probably felt good, but I hated it. I hated him. I hated me. I hated our sex."

"So, there were no sparks, I take it."

"Hardly. It was like I was outside my body, like a ghost. My body was having sex, but I wasn't participating. I said nothing during it. I didn't make any sounds. I was just a penis and an ass. I wasn't a person. I didn't feel a thing. Wait, that's not true. I felt sadness. When we were both finished, I felt nothing. I was empty. I was sad. I asked him to leave. I deleted his number from my phone."

"I'm sorry you went through all this."

"It's my fault! I own it! Something so goddamn impulsive. I wasn't sure how to move on. Thankfully, Cooper somehow managed to talk to me again. He believed me when I said Derek didn't mean anything, but I knew I still had hurt him so deeply. It was slow, but we tried. He just couldn't ...'

"Trust you anymore."

"Not like partners need to. We tried. We really tried. I even sent him to you to help."

"I know. I'm sorry."

"You're sorry you couldn't make him trust me or you're sorry he chose Larry instead of me?"

"I'm sorry it didn't turn out the way you wanted."

"I'm sorry I blamed you. Thank you for forgiving me."

"In my profession, I deal with people's emotions. I was hopeful you'd come around."

"We've been friends for too long. Besides, I knew the only person to blame was me."

"To be fair, Cooper accepted it was his inability to get over the wall he put up. He felt you deserved to be fully loved. As much as he loved you, he knew you needed a person to love you more than he could."

"Yeah." God, I missed him. "That's so Cooper. Even when he has to let you down, he'll take the blame."

"We have a few minutes left, Mitch. I'd like to focus on some things before you leave."

"Like putting my face on a dart board, so everyone can throw darts at me?"

"No! Stop that! I want you to allow yourself to be a human being."

"What does that mean?"

"We've mentioned this. Everybody makes mistakes. You completely regret this, and be assured, I am NOT saying you need a free pass or a get-out-of-jail-free card. You made a horrible mistake, and you have consequences because of it. But you are still a person. Everyone makes mistakes. You have accepted the results of yours. You need to allow yourself to be human or you won't get better."

"How do I do that?"

"Forgive yourself."

"Huh?"

"Forgive yourself. Cooper forgave you."

"But he couldn't trust me."

"True, but he forgave you. He was willing to give you two another chance."

"I suppose."

"You have accepted the blame. You have accepted the consequences. Now ... forgive yourself to let it go — learn from it, for sure! —but release this self-hatred. If Cooper can forgive you, then you should be able to."

"But how do I get over him?"

"How did you get over me? Or Cruz?"

"I – I found someone else, I guess."

"I'm not sure how professional this is to say, but you are my friend as well as my patient. I'd still encourage any of my friends to go out with you."

"You would? Who?"

"No. We're not going there. I'm not playing matchmaker. My point is you are a wonderful person who made a terrible mistake. Accept. Learn. Forgive. Now move on."

"Easier said than done."

"I get that. I do. But I want you to say the words: I'm worthy of being loved."

"I don't want to do that."

"Say it."

"I'm ..." I stopped. "I just don't believe it."

"And you won't until you can say it."

"I just don't know who could ever love me if they knew my past. Who could do that?"

"I could!!!"

The room got silent.

"What?"

Logan took a deep breath. "I'm sorry. This is all ... this is why I should NOT be your therapist. Mitchell, I'm perfectly happy with Nate. We're great together. But if I were single, I would give you a chance again. I still find you a handsome and wonderful person. I'd be happy to go out with you." I looked into Logan's eyes. He stuttered, "I – I – I know that is terribly unprofessional to say. Terribly. But I want you to know that you can still be something special to someone. Now more than ever."

"Why? Because now I know what NOT to do to fuck it all up?"

Logan tilted his head back and forth. "Kind of, in a matter of speaking. I just think you know the high stakes of impulsive actions."

"That's for sure."

"Say the words."

"I'm worthy of being loved."

"Again."

"I'm worthy of being loved."

"Louder."

"I'm worthy of being loved."

"Now mean it."

"I'm worthy of being loved."

"The more you say it, the more you will believe it. The more you believe it, the better equipped you will be to move on."

"'kay."

"I'm sorry that our time is up. I know you've been through a lot in this session. Just ... just go through this next week believing in yourself. But first, forgive yourself."

I lumbered out of Logan's office. That was tough.

I pulled into Arby's. I sat in the parking lot. I wasn't hungry for Arby's. I moved my car a few restaurants away. I wasn't hungry for Panera.

I wasn't hungry.

I drove to The Black Stallion.

"My, you're early," Layton said.

"Wasn't hungry."

"How about thirsty?"

"Please. Tall."

"One frosted schooner coming up."

Carter carried a milk crate of assorted bottles of whisky to the bar.

"Mitchell! You're very early."

"I didn't feel like eating."

"Well, all we can offer is pretzels I'm afraid."

Layton slid the frosted schooner in front of me. Just a bit of the head dripped over the side, discoloring the frost that was on the glass.

"So. No dinner. What's up?" Layton said.

My bartender friends stood before me. I had learned in the last weeks that the two of them were good listeners. I figured that was a requirement of a good bartender, but when the place got busy, they were consumed with just keeping orders poured. I liked these earlier hours.

"Therapy was really rough today."

"I thought it was supposed to make you feel better," Carter said.

"It's supposed to dig deep and help you deal with your issues."

"Were your issues dealt with?" Layton asked.

"And how. It just hurt. It hurt a lot."

"I'm sorry," both of them said at the same time.

"I'll try not to be a Gloomy Gus. You two aren't my shrink."

"Do you call him that?" Carter asked.

I laughed. I laughed hard. "No. No, he's actually an old college friend. A former love to be exact."

"OOoooo," Layton said. "You two aren't doing it in his office, are you?"

"Of course not!" I scolded over Carter's laughter. "That would probably suspend his license." I paused. "And thank you for making me laugh. That felt good."

"That's our job," said Layton.

"But if you want to talk about it, we won't be busy for a little bit. You can bend our ear for a few minutes," Carter said.

"You guys are so nice. But you don't need to hear my BS."

"Try us. We can walk away and wash glasses at any time," Layton said.

"You have three customers. How many glasses can you possibly wash."

Layton winked at me and smiled.

"Today's session really got down to how I cheated on Cooper and why I cheated. The world caved in on me. I didn't feel like I would ever be worthy of someone loving me or giving me a chance."

Another worker brought a bin of ice. Carter dumped it into his ice well. Then he looked at me.

"Mitchell, you aren't the only one who has done something they truly regretted. If you aren't making mistakes, you're an android."

"Or Jesus Christ," Layton interjected.

"Or that," Carter responded.

"It's – it's just very hard to forgive myself."

"What's your other option? To hate yourself the rest of your life? To never take another step? To never risk anything?" Carter asked.

"Yeah. Kind of that," I said. "Would you go out with me knowing I cheated on someone I truly loved?"

"I can't answer that," Carter said. "I don't date customers. Layton can give you his opinion."

"I don't think Mitch was asking us out, dude. It was more rhetorical." Layton looked at me. "Right?"

"Yes. Well, maybe. I don't know. No, I wasn't asking you out, but I wouldn't mind knowing if you would give someone ... anyone ... a chance if they had cheated on someone in the past. Like me."

"That's hard to say," Layton said. "There are other factors to be considered."

"Like what?"

"Looks, for one."

"And there he is, Mr. Integrity," Carter mocked.

"Bite me, Carter. What I mean is that if there is a physical attraction, a person can perhaps be invested to find out more about the person than just make a snap judgement. I'm not saying that's right, but it's true. Clearly you aren't bragging about cheating on someone."

"Like that old Shaggy song, `Wasn't Me,'" Carter said. "That's a horrible song. I don't know why any radio station would play that."

I took a moment to remember the song, but I could barely think of the lyrics. I just remembered the guy lying to his girlfriend that caught him red-handed. Yeah. Me and Cooper.

"I'm not going to lie. I at least feel okay about me taking the blame. I accept it is my fault. I own it."

"And this Cooper guy just won't see past it?"

"We actually tried to work it out last year, but the trust issues prevented it. But he's forgiven me. He'd still like to be friends."

"Well, then hell, man. If he can forgive you, forgive your damn self," Carter said.

"It's not so easy when the mistake ruined your whole life."

"Your life isn't over!" Layton barked. "So, you screwed up. People screw up. You've owned it."

"So, you'd give me a chance then?"

"Wait. Are you asking me out?"

I laughed. "No. I think I'm a little messed up still. I'd prefer to have my head on straight before I subject someone to all my baggage."

"We all have baggage," Carter said, tightening a lid on margarita mix.

"Let's talk about something different," Layton said. "You and that policeman fella last week? That seemed to go well."

"It did! You guys were great, thanks. I loved talking to Kenneth. We weren't a couple for long. He had issues with his family's acceptance way back when. Tried to live a straight life."

"But he's now with that hunky blond guy he was with, right?" Carter asked.

"Married to him. Right. It was heartwarming to see things turn out okay for him."

"And they can for you too," Layton said.

"I connected to another previous boyfriend over the phone too," I said.

"Another? You're some kind of player, Mitchell. You've got them everywhere."

"Hardly. These sessions are just bringing up people who have helped ... make me who I am. I've enjoyed reconnecting with a few."

"Nothing ugly so far then?" Carter asked.

Cruz, Arlo, Santos, Kenneth — I had enjoyed each talk. Maybe I could figure out a way to be friends with Cooper again.

"No. They've all gone well. I still care for each one of them, you know, in a special way. I'm not in love with any of them anymore. Except Cooper."

"But you can't have him," Layton said. "Sometimes, you just have to let go of things that aren't in your control."

"Amen," Carter said to Layton, almost with a scowl on his face. He then walked away.

Layton made me think. It was Wednesday night. Cooper would have an AA meeting. The steps for AA members had them be willing to give things over to God or a higher power to restore their life when their mistakes became unimaginable. Or something like that.

I was going to go. I wasn't an alcoholic, but I would listen. The first meeting was an open meeting. The later one was closed. I wasn't supposed to go to it. I wasn't sure which Cooper would attend.

My friends attended to some new people that had arrived.

It was strange that a bar made me at ease. It would be just the opposite for Cooper.

There were less than ten customers this early, but each of them seemed handsome. Perhaps ... just perhaps ... there was someone out there for me. I just needed to learn to like myself. I wasn't there yet.

"Another?" Carter asked when he saw my empty schooner.

"No. I ... I have a plan for tonight. Suddenly, I feel like eating again."

"I'm not sure I follow any of that, but ... good. See you next week?"

"Hope so," I said. I flipped a ten on the counter which was a great tip considering the beer was at happy hour prices.

I grabbed a roast beef sandwich and curly fries at Arby's. I didn't think it was bad manners to bring a soda into a meeting, so I got a refill.

When I pulled into the Community Center parking lot, I saw Cooper's car. He was going to be at this meeting. I wasn't sure I wanted him to see me. If the chairs were in a circle, I wouldn't stay. He'd see me for sure. If they were in rows, I'd sit in the back. It was two minutes from the time the meeting started.

I walked in. Slowly. My steps were so gradual it was like watching someone walk in slow motion. I peered around the corner. There were five rows. Cooper was in row 2. I didn't see anyone else I knew. He was sitting next to a Black woman. I had met her. I couldn't remember her name. I think it started with an O.

I took an empty seat in the back row. A person got up to start the meeting.

There were welcomes. I forgot they typically had coffee, so my soda with me didn't seem in bad taste. I sipped it and listened to what the officiant had to say. It wasn't long before the "shares" began. If Cooper got up, he'd see me.

"Hi, I'm Sandy. I'm an alcoholic."

"Hi, Sandy," the group replied.

"I broke up with my boyfriend. He knew I had been sober for three and a half years. I hadn't touched wine. I owe a lot to my sister for her support. She introduced me to him. We were great for a year. He was kind and understanding. Then lately he felt I had been `cured.' He said I could have `just one' drink with him. I turned him down, of course. But he didn't stop. Then he drank around me. More than I wanted. I ... I knew it was time.

"So, single again. But it doesn't feel as bad when I can be proud of myself. I stayed strong. Thanks, sis."

She winked at someone who was in the chair next to where she was sitting.

"Thank you."

The group clapped.

Someone new stepped forward.

"Hi, I'm Isaac. I'm an alcoholic."

"Hi, Isaac," the group replied.

"I saw my son for the second time. It took him three years for him to see me. I didn't know how to prove to him that I was sober for all that time, but he agreed to meet me in a public place. We had coffee back then. This time, he came to my apartment. It's not much. I knew he wouldn't be impressed, but I keep it clean. That means something to me.

"I made us sandwiches. I had baked a pie. His favorite. We visited for two hours. After several years of no communication at all to short phone calls to ... two hours, it's kind of big.

"Little steps. But it made me happy. He said I looked better too. It's just a shame ... all those years lost. He couldn't deal with me as a drunk in his adult life. He had cut me off. But ... little steps. He didn't make plans to see me again, but I think he will. My birthday is next month. I might ask him to join me for a movie. That seems safe, right?

"These little steps are motivating me. I don't miss the bottle as much. I thank God for helping me stay strong.

"Thank you."

The group clapped.

The next person got up.

It came to me. I remembered Cooper's friend's name was Ophelia.

"Hi, I'm Noel. I'm an alcoholic."

"Hi Noel," the group (and me) replied.

"I visited Mom's grave today. She's been gone two years now."

Noel collected herself. She needed a moment.

"I still don't know how to forgive myself. The last visit we had, the two of us were screaming at each other. She kept after me about my drinking. I told her I was fine." She breathed out. "I wasn't fine.

"I wish she could see me now. Fifteen months. I just wish I had wised up sooner. When I talk to her at her gravesite, I can't help but think of her ... there. Below ground. The last time I saw her, I was screaming at her. That was her last time to see me."

Noel sniffed.

"I – I have resisted taking a drink, but I wish I could forgive myself. I wish she could see me now. I think she might be proud that I have finally listened to what she was trying to tell me. I just didn't listen.

"Thank you."

The group clapped.

If I was a regular attendee, I would go up to Noel and tell her I could relate. I didn't know how to forgive myself either. But hearing others take small steps forward, I thought maybe the pain might eventually go away. I just didn't want it to hurt so bad. I could easily see how people let alcohol consume them. That wasn't my issue, but I got it. I could totally understand how people would turn to it as a crutch. Cooper had shared how it was his "out," although it was really his problem.

I looked at him from time to time. He didn't know I was three rows behind him. I avoided him completely at work. I couldn't bear to see him. From the back, he still looked handsome. He had cut his hair. It was nice to see him. Although I wasn't really seeing him, he was there. Right there. Somehow, I was able to be this close.

Five other people shared. Cooper and Ophelia didn't say anything during the meeting. I remained incognito at the back.

A few chips were handed out to certain individuals, and then the meeting was over. I needed to get out before he saw me. As I got to the corner, I turned to look at him one last time. He saw me. Our eyes met. I darted out the door.

When I reached for my car door, I heard him.

"Mitchell!!!!"

He had screamed. There was no way for me to pretend I didn't hear him. I froze. I didn't look up. I just stared at my door handle.

Cooper ran to me.

"Mitchell. Why are you here?"

"I'm – I'm not completely sure. I think I just needed to not feel alone in ... my mistakes."

He didn't understand. "I ... don't know what you mean." He was standing about four feet from me. "Mitch, you aren't ... you don't have a drinking problem now, do you?"

I shook my head. "No. I'm seeing someone. Well, you know Logan. I'm in therapy. And ... I don't know how to forgive myself. I thought hearing other people deal with their ... pain might help. I wasn't sure what I hoped to accomplish."

"Did you know I would be here?"

"This one or the next one."

"I'm sorry you are hurting. Are you ... unable to forgive yourself ... because of me?"

"Yeah."

"Mitchell, I forgave you a year ago. Please don't torment yourself."

"I'm not sure I can do that. I've become pretty good at boiling in my cauldron of mistakes."

"Don't. That's too much. You've held this too long. Let go of that."

"I don't know how to stop feeling guilty. I think the therapy is helping, but ... I lost you, Cooper. I don't know how to get over that. I can't take my mistakes back."

"No, you can't. You can learn from them though. You can come out of it a better person."

"A better person that can't have you."

Cooper didn't know what to say. We stood silent.

"It's nice to see you, Cooper," I softly said.

"I'm glad. I miss you very much, Mitch. I miss our friendship. You still mean a lot to me."

I didn't know the words to say. It was like English was no longer my first language.

I had fucked up.

I still loved him.

I couldn't fix things.

He didn't choose me.

I wanted to feel better but didn't know if I could.

"I should go."

"I'm glad I saw you, Mitch. I hope you feel welcome to stop by and see me in my office. Or call. Or text."

"How's Corey?"

"Growing like crazy. He was always a bit short. Now he's like a palm tree. He will start driving soon. I'm scared."

"Tell him I miss him."

"Okay."

"How's Larry?"

Cooper was afraid to answer. "He's fine. We're happy."

"Okay." I didn't know what else to say. "I should probably go."

I wanted to hug him. He wanted to hug me. We didn't.

"Good night," I said.

I quickly got in my car and exhaled. That was hard.

Back at my apartment, it seemed disrespectful to have a drink after the meeting, but I did. I stared at the moon out the window as I sipped on a juice glass filled with ice and Johnny Walker Black poured over it.

For the first time in months, I turned in before 10 o'clock. I was emotionally drained. I wondered if I was a much harder patient for Logan. We were close. It had to be hard for him too. I had put him in that position. Which was like me. People should avoid me. I probably wasn't healthy.

I turned to my side under the sheet. I had on a T-shirt and briefs. I could have put on pajama bottoms, but I didn't feel like even pulling them out of the bottom drawer.

Logan called me handsome today. He called me wonderful. He said if he wasn't married to Nate, he would be willing to go out with me. I hadn't absorbed that during our session. That was nice of him. Even though today was tough, I was glad I could go through all this internal conflict with him instead of a stranger. He made it easier. I remembered why I loved him all those years ago in college. He was a nice man. Nate was lucky.

 

My cock slid all the way in him. As I pushed as deep as I could go, it occurred to me that my personal feelings were also deep. Sex was suddenly better because I felt what I did with Cruz. I allowed myself to love again. We had only been dating five weeks, but I was head over heels for Logan. I was happy. My heart was able to open up again. I was glad I learned that was possible. It was certainly too soon to tell Logan I loved him, but I figured out that I did.

He groaned. At first, I thought it was too loud. Mom and Dad weren't home, but I still didn't like being loud in the house. He spread his legs wider, and I leaned forward to seal my lips to his.

My throbbing erection moved in and out of him, and I noticed my tongue trying to match its rhythm.

Logan's hands roamed over my back. I loved how he caressed my body as my dick thrust in and out of his hole. I panted in my pleasure. He pulled me in for another quick kiss. As I pulled back, we smiled at each other; our eyes locked.

I could have told him then, but you never are supposed to say "I love you" during sex.

I pushed into him harder. He groaned again.

"Shh."

I heard voices outside. Jeez, did they hear him groan?

"Fuck me, Mitch. Fuck me fuck me fuck me."

My cock jackhammered inside him, and he grunted with each thrust. Logan grabbed my shoulders and held me steady as my hips pulsated into his inner region.

"Mmph... Ohhh ... Ungh ... Mmm ... Mmph." Logan softly grunted with my panting.

I loved pleasuring him. I loved pleasing him. I. Loved. Him.

He reached for his own cock and stroked it back to its full rigidity. I pushed. He pulled. We panted and groaned and breathed and moaned, but I didn't feel it was too loud.

"This feels so good, Log'," I moaned.

"Me too, babe."

Shoving harder into him, I could feel my climax build.

"I'm close."

"Hold out. Let me get there with you."

Hold out. Sure. Like I could tell my dick what to do.

I slowed my rhythm just a little in an attempt to delay my impending orgasm. Logan's treatment of his erection was criminal. It was so forceful; it was borderline abusive.

I had learned Logan's traits. His squeal indicated he had caught up to my level of pleasure.

"NOW, Mitchell. FUCK ME!"

Screaming? Really? We had just heard people out front.

But, hell, it felt good.

"Oh, oh, oh, oh. I'm coming, Mitch. Fuck me. Fuck the cum out of me."

I shoved my manhood so deep into him, I wondered if I had done exactly that. Thick white cum shot up his chest as he growled in the most masculine tone that I had ever heard a man bark during climax. It brought me off.

"GUUHHHH. Yes! Oh! UNGH! UNGH! FUCK!! Ungh. God. Fuck yes."

I fell to his side, stunned that I had been loud. Me! It was one of the most enjoyable orgasms I had experienced. Off the charts.

I exhaled. "That was amazing."

"I loved it."

 

I'm not sure why I recalled that night of us making love. It made me hard.

I pulled my briefs down. I thought about Logan. I thought about us. Just for tonight, I wanted to remember a good time. I pulled off my shirt. I started jerking my erection. I wanted to feel the cum hit my chest.

 

* * * *

 

A new post, "The Collapse," is on the blog: timothylane414stories.blogspot.com

Email: timothylane414@gmail.com

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