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Mitch's black book was discarded in the last chapter. Now, he must take his next steps forward.

 

22

 

"How is your day?" Logan asked.

"Fine. Good, I suppose. And yours?"

"It has gone well. One patient was quite the handful, but ... I always like ending my Wednesdays with you."

"Well, that's nice to hear. I've been going to The Black Stallion following the sessions. You should join me some night."

"It's probably not a good thing to do professionally."

"So, we are never doing drinks again?"

"Let's hope you aren't in therapy forever."

I laughed. "True."

"We could do lunch sometimes. Is that possible in your schedule?"

"I imagine. It depends upon customers and meetings. I'm sure you have meetings all the time too."

"My lunch is 1 to 2 every day. Every. Day. Seeing you might be a nice blip in the routine."

"We have no new lovers to talk about this time. How do we start?"

"Well, how you feel and how you think has always been the main thing. Your previous encounters were just a way to connect the dots."

"And what are my dots exactly?"

"Drawing from your past experiences, your early younger days gave you your entrance into the gay world. You handled that well. Your college years taught you love. Even with Cruz and me ... breaking your heart, you learned you wanted to be in love. Arlo awakened things in you sexually. You have tried to find yourself in your adult life — apps, random hookups, temporary flings, but one thing has made you truly happy."

"What?"

"When were you the happiest? In the past ten years ... when were you the happiest?"

"When Cooper and I lived together."

"Exactly. You crave a relationship. You want to be a loving partner."

"Loving partners don't cheat on their loving partners."

"I'm going to disagree. You yourself said you didn't intend to hurt Cooper, nor did you ever stop loving Cooper. You just let a personal obsession cause you to be reckless. I'm not saying what you did was okay. It wasn't. But all couples have challenges — temptations, apathy, behavior changes. That's all normal. So, yes, you made a huge mistake. But we know it is a huge mistake because it crumbled what you truly love."

"Relationships."

"Yes. It wasn't like you wanted to tell Cooper, `Hey, let's have an open arrangement.' You didn't want that."

"No. All I ever wanted was what I had with Cooper."

"Bingo. Now it is time to find it again."

"He's taken."

"I know. It doesn't have to be with him. Take Sawyer, for example. You liked him, right?"

"Yes. But he was just temporary. We both knew that. We just ... needed company at that time. Different reasons. He was alone on the road. I needed to forget Derek and that disaster."

"Let's say Sawyer moved here. Would you still be interested in him?"

I stared into the pale lavender of Logan's painted walls. "Yes. Yes, I would. He was attractive, but I enjoyed his company even more. I liked pretty much everything about him."

"Good. So, we know Cooper isn't the only man on the planet that has qualities you loved."

"I ... suppose."

"And we know Sawyer was capable of ... wanting you. It was more than just sex, don't you think?"

"Yes. If it was just sex, he would never have stayed at my apartment those nights. I'd be in and out of his hotel room. We ... we really liked each other. He was good for me at that time. I needed it. I needed him."

"Short-lived as it was, you needed the pleasure of a relationship. Sex and relationships aren't the same."

"Agreed."

"So, how do you feel about your black book being gone?"

"The first night sort of bothered me at the beginning. I just shut the drawer and let go of all of it. I believed you that I need to move forward and stop moaning over the past."

"Did you say what I wanted you to say each day?"

"Yes. Out loud."

"And did you mean it?"

"The first few days, I did it because you told me to. I wanted to mean it. I wanted to believe it. I just questioned it. But after a few days, I went all Serenity Prayer."

"You ... what?"

"I accepted the things I cannot change."

"Ah. Good."

"And I resolved to be a better person. Change the things I can."

"Good work."

"So let me ask you this. When I start seeing new people ... other people ... should I be on the lookout for something?"

"I'm not sure I understand. Like things to watch out for ... bad things?"

"I guess. Are there certain men I shouldn't date?"

Logan laughed. "I'm not a matchmaker. But ... let me say this. Jesus, I can't believe I'm actually quoting my father. My dad told my sister to never go out with anyone she wouldn't marry. She argued, `It's just a date, Dad. We aren't getting married.' And he countered that she would eventually marry someone she dated, so ..."

"So, you are saying I should date men who are worthy of having a relationship with."

"Yes. That would be my advice. Granted, you don't know everything right up front. You learn these things in the weeks and months that you see one another. But you should think with your heart."

"Not with my dick."

"In a matter of speaking. It is clear to me — to us — from the past weeks that when you wrote things down in the book, I could tell by how you read them back to me how you felt about each relationship. The tone of your voice told me that the sexual encounters like the Chuck guy on the app and the jogger dude ... Reed ... you felt unsatisfied. Sex for sex's sake wasn't doing it for you. You need loving connections. That's who you are."

I sat quietly. It was a simple summary of me as a person, but I felt Logan was right. I missed Cooper (desperately) because of the loving relationship we had. Our sex life was great, but that wasn't what I missed. It was just a small part of who we were as a couple. It was an expression of our love, but it wasn't our love itself.

"This all sounds nice, but I feel like it is wrapped up too easily with a bow on top. I might be able to make it through a week, but at some point, it will all catch up with me again. I can't forget about my mistakes forever."

Logan got up and walked to his desk. He opened and closed a couple of drawers. "Give me a second." He wiggled his mouse to wake up his computer screen. After a few clicks and a couple of files, his printer whirred and produced a paper. I assumed it was for me. He grabbed a pen and circled some things.

He walked over and handed it to me. "Here."

"What's this?"

"It is kind of a structure adapted from a credo from Al-Anon. I think. It isn't necessarily ideal for everybody but look at the parts I circled. Read those back to me."

It was a bullet-point list of suggestions. I read the circled sentences:

"Just for today, I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle all my problems at once. I can do something for 12 hours that would appall me if I felt that I had to keep it up for a lifetime.
Just for today I will be happy. This assumes to be true what Abraham Lincoln said, that `Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be.'
Just for today I will try to strengthen my mind. I will study. I will learn something useful. I will not be a mental loafer. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration.
Just for today I will exercise my soul: I will do somebody a good turn, and not get found out; if anybody knows of it, it will not count.
Just for today I will be agreeable. I will look as well as I can, dress becomingly, keep my voice low, be courteous, criticize not one bit. I won't find fault with anything, nor try to improve or regulate anybody but myself.
Just for today I will be unafraid. Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful and to believe that as I give to the world, so the world will give to me."

I looked at him. "I guess this is good advice."

"Again, it can't necessarily fit everyone, but in your case, I think it will help you mentally."

"I will carry it in my briefcase and keep it on my desk."

"Good."

We stopped for a moment. I wasn't sure what to say. Was he waiting for me to begin?

"Now what?"

"Let's talk about the last week. The last two sessions were pretty raw. How do you feel you have processed things over the last week?"

"Well, ever since the first sessions, I've occasionally reached out to people in my past. So far, they have been positive for the most part. Sure, there is a slight awkwardness to it. `Why are you calling?'" I mocked in air quotes. "But it has been nice. Sawyer and I talked for a few minutes. It was nice to hear his voice."

"Good. I think all these reconnections help you to process that — as great as he was — Cooper is just one person on your journey. I am hoping you are feeling he is not the end of your journey."

"Hmm. I guess I did feel that way for a while. That it was ALL over."

"Now that we are working through everything, would you say your depression and anxiety are less than when you started?"

I reflected back to three months ago. "Yes. Definitely. I was ready to transfer then; I wanted to move. I didn't think I could get over it, but ... I've talked to Cooper a couple of times, and the pain isn't as bad. I'm still mad at myself, but I think I've let things go. A little at least."

"All this is good."

"Moving to a new job or a new city wouldn't have helped. I know that now. I would have just taken the pain with me."

"I believe you are right." Logan flipped through a couple of pages on his pad. "Let's talk about your support system again. Who do you feel is there for you?"

"Besides you?"

"Well, yes, of course."

"Like I mentioned, these two ladies at work, Ashley and Tanya, seem to make sure I don't let myself fall too deeply into a hole. They have young babies, so I can't relate to a lot of their conversation, but they do include me and look out for me. On occasion, they mention someone I might be interested in, but ... I tell them I'm not ready."

"Oh?"

"I don't think I'm ready for a blind date. I kind of prefer to know the person first before investing effort. Maybe I'm cutting off a perfectly suitable person. But the way I feel right now, I'm not sure just a complete stranger is the strategy I want to pursue."

"Fair enough."

"Carter and Layton at the bar this past month have really been great listeners. I'm not sure if that is a requirement of being a bartender, but the early hours allow me just to talk with other gay guys-"

"Besides me."

"Right. I like them."

"You mentioned you were hesitant to talk to your mother. Do you think you will feel this way going forward?"

"She knows Cooper and I broke up for good. She knows why. I just don't want to go visit her and just dwell in misery around her. What parent wants to see her kid unhappy?"

"You can talk about other things when you visit. Ask about her. See what is happening in her life. Communication is two ways."

"You're right. I should."

"I only met her once, but she seemed quite nice."

"She is. She's very loving."

"What about your dad?"

"Dad is fine. He's very accepting, very supportive. But the two of us never talked about feelings, even growing up. He was fine when I came out to them in my late teens. He's just not ... the listening type, I guess."

"Still, just spending time with them might do you good. You need to feel the support of family. In your case, I recommend it."

"I take it you don't recommend it for everybody."

He chuckled. "Oh no. Family is the reason at least a third of my patients see me."

I laughed. "Actually, I can believe that. Cooper's family was a total mess." I sighed. "And yet, they seem to love Larry, but they never cared for me."

"I'm sure that seems unfair. How do you feel about that?"

"Later on, I guess they were at least polite to me. Kind of. I was the first gay person Cooper took home. So, I'm sure in their minds, I was the evil person who destroyed Cooper's marriage."

"That had to hurt a bit. You shouldn't have had to feel that blame."

"They never said it, but I think that's how they felt."

"And your old coffee group?"

"Ohhhhhh, that's doubtful. Cooper and Larry are in that. I don't know if Larry would like me showing up. The `ex' and everything."

"Perhaps. How painful would that be for you?"

"Well, I do miss Brad and Emory. And for a while, I liked Larry."

"But you don't now."

"I'm not sure how I feel about him. Am I pissed that he has Cooper and I don't? Yes. Do I blame him for falling for Cooper? No. Cooper is easy to love. Larry was easy for Cooper to open up to while we had our issues."

"Do you blame him for stealing Cooper?"

I wasn't sure how to answer. It was an unfair question. I wanted to say, "Of course, I do." That's what my heart felt. My brain told me otherwise.

"I don't think I can come up with an answer. It probably isn't so much a matter of stealing as it was timing. Cooper had told me I was free to date around. He was ready to let me go, and I suggested he come see you. His friendship with Larry was kind of accidental, but with them confiding in each other, they just started developing feelings. Larry didn't intend to fall in love with him, nor take him from me. It just happened. I know it killed Cooper inside. I saw him. He knew he had to hurt one of us. I was hopeful. I should have known in the fall when he couldn't trust me — and couldn't get past his doubts — that I probably would come up short when it came time for a decision. Fate worked against me."

"Fate?"

"Timing."

"I think you having sex with Derek worked against you."

"Well, DUH! I KNOW THAT!" I took a deep breath. "I'm sorry. Yes, I want to blame fate and the universe for Cooper walking in on us. If he hadn't, we'd still be together. And I want to blame the timing on Cooper and Larry becoming friends. Had that not happened ... maybe we'd still be together."

"I don't think so."

"Why do you say that?"

Logan groaned. "I keep saying this. Cooper was a patient, so I can't really discuss much, but when we had our deepest sessions, it all came down to him not trusting you. He wanted to, but he was afraid to. Larry or no Larry, I think that was always going to be the wall that would always stand in the way."

"No way around it, huh?"

"That would be up to Cooper. But not just Derek, Kris was a first blip on the radar."

"That was so brief and ... I didn't really have anything to do with that."

"But it was still something Cooper saw, so ..."

I exhaled loudly. "I know."

I shifted my weight on Logan's couch. I felt ... unsettled. I decided to recline. I put my arm on my forehead and stared at his ceiling. Even lost in thought, I noticed a slight discoloration as if rain had dripped in through the roof at one time. My thoughts then returned to being about Larry.

"I don't dislike Larry. I am not sure if I can like him again, all things considered. I saw him briefly a few months ago. We were cordial enough. I'm not sure how friendly I'd be to him. Obviously, I wouldn't yell and scream at him, but I don't know how warm and fuzzy I would be. If we were at the same table, I'm sure that I would be the one that came off as kind of a dick."

"I haven't met him. Describe him."

"Hot. Damn it. He's nice. He's kind of the ordinary guy wrapped up in a western-sort of-handyman kind of guy. And hot. I think he's good looking."

"So are you."

I leaned up to reach for a tissue. I could feel it coming on.

"The hard thing about Larry is ..." I sniffed. "I – I – I know he makes Cooper happy."

I couldn't keep the tears back. I wept.

"H-h-he makes Cooper happier than I did. It comes so easy for those two."

I sniffed and sobbed for a second, blotting my eyes with the tissue. I blew my nose into it. Logan reached over and handed me another one.

"I don't dislike him. I don't. I don't blame him for loving Cooper. I don't even blame Cooper for developing feelings for him. The two of them are just ... perfect for each other." I wiped my eyes. "And ... and I wasn't."

"Roleplay with me. Pretend I am Larry."

"Why?"

"Humor me." Logan sat up straight and tried to look different. "Hi, Mitchell. It's nice to see you."

He reached out his hand.

"Uh. Hi. Larry." I shook it.

"It might be awkward, but I'm glad to see you again."

"How do you know what he will say?" I interjected.

"Just play along."

"Fine. I ... uh ... how are things at your store?"

"Business is good. Christmas is coming up. We are getting special orders."

"How do you know that, Logan? You're making all this up."

"Clearly. Just pick any business response you want."

I sighed, which was almost a groan. "I guess that's good then," I spit out.

"It is. It eats a little into the free time though."

"Hm." I paused, but Logan's eyes told me I needed to keep the conversation going. "So will you be able to travel for Christmas?"

"Work doesn't allow me to do so. I might see my family in the new year."

I knew he was just making up things to help me role play. But I wondered what their first true Christmas would be like.

"Well ... I – I hope you and Cooper can find time to enjoy your Christmas here."

"Thanks, Mitch. I hope the upcoming holidays are good for you as well."

We were quiet.

"So. How did that feel?" Logan asked.

"A bit forced, but ... I muddled through it. You were pretty nice though. What if Larry doesn't want me to see Cooper?"

"Well, you should know that before you meet up with all of them. There is no need to set up a confrontation. Has he ever said anything ... negative ... to you?"

Actually, he hadn't.

"No. But."

"But what?"

"Once it was made clear that Cooper was seeing both of us, we didn't have a lot of interaction after that."

"Okay."

For the remainder of the session, Logan had us role play some more, each time with Larry's interaction with me taking a different tone, from indifferent to super friendly. We ended the session with me telling him how I felt in each situation.

I couldn't say I left the session feeling "better," but I did feel more prepared, and to me, that was a big step forward. For months, I didn't feel prepared for anything. Now, I felt like I had a grip on my life. Maybe for the first time since the final breakup.

 

—

 

"Hello, my friends! How are we this week?"

"My, you seem to be in a good mood," Layton said. "Are you celebrating anything?"

"No. I just feel good."

Carter came over. "Anything you care to share?"

"I'm not sure I can. For the first time in a long time, I just don't feel ... bad."

"Bad about ...?"

"I don't know. I guess myself. These counseling sessions have really made me examine everything — my past, my decisions, my feelings. It's hard sometimes. But ... who knows. Maybe I am actually pulling myself together."

"Well. I think that's a good thing," Layton said. "But we liked you when you weren't put together too." He winked at me. "This first one is on the house."

He poured me a frosted pilsner filled with my favorite draft beer.

For fifteen minutes we talked about all sorts of things. But the most important thing was what we didn't talk about — me.

Onion rings. The Chicago Bears. Barbie. Poker. IRAs.

"So, are you putting yourself back out there?" Layton asked.

"Oh lord. I'm not sure if I'm in a dateable place right now."

"Are you in a fuckable place?"

"Laaaaayton," Carter grumbled.

"What? Mitchell's good looking. He'll find someone easily."

"Um. Thanks, but I ..."

"Exactly," stated Carter. "Just let him work through this with his doctor."

"Sorry. I suppose I wasn't thinking," Layton said. "I wasn't implying anything there. But if you want to get back on the horse, there are a ton of guys in here who'd love to have you."

"I'm – I'm just thinking I'll take it slow while I continue to figure things out."

"Okay, buddy. You'll be fine." Layton poured a drink for another customer. "But if you want someone to go out with, we can point out some guys that would be happy to spend time with you."

Carter grumbled, glaring at Layton. "Mitchell, do you have any pets?"

It was an odd question, but I knew he was just changing the subject.

"No. I love dogs, but ... I don't have any pets. You?"

Carter stopped what he was doing to look at me. "Actually, I do. I have a wiener dog."

"Awww. What's his name? Her name??

"His. Fletcher."

"Do you have a picture?"

Carter pulled out his phone. Within a few seconds, he pulled up a picture.

"Ohhh. He's a cutie."

"Yeah. He is," added Layton.

"I've had him three years. The first year, he wore me out. He was a live wire. Now he just loves everything about life."

"Maybe I should see him as my shrink," I chuckled.

"Pets are very therapeutic," Carter said.

Layton had said there were many people in the bar that would be interested in going out with me. I didn't feel ready necessarily, but I also felt just wallowing in my no-Cooper pity wouldn't do me any favors either. I think Logan had me sorting through everything to where I was figuring myself out. I turned to look at people in the club.

It was too early for anyone to dance. There were probably about 35 people at the early hour. Guys in cowboy hats always caught my eye. There were close to a dozen of those. I was surprised to see a man in a suit. The majority of the men were drinking beers. He was drinking whiskey over ice.

"Lorenzo," Carter said to me.

"Hm?"

"You're looking at Lorenzo Barker. City council."

"Oh. I – I wasn't looking at him necessarily."

"Sure you weren't."

I turned back to my friends. "Before therapy, I'd probably just move on from one guy to the next. But as I start to get my head on straight, I ... I think I'm looking for something deeper."

"Oh, he's deep," said Carter. "He's on the city council. He's in here constantly, but he isn't out to his family or anyone at work. I'm not sure I even know if he hooks up with men in here. I never see him leave with anyone." He turned to Layton. "Do you?"

"I see him scrolling his phone before he leaves. I'm assuming apps. He likes the business type. We get more of the cowboy crowd. But he does like the masculine aura of that."

"How do you know this about him?" I asked.

Carter tilted his head at me and just stared at me. Then he made a mock introduction to an invisible person. "Lorenzo, have you met Mitch? He's in therapy. He broke up with the love of his life because he cheated on him with another guy because the dude's dick was bigger. He thinks Downward Dog has the best onion rings. He has foolish delusions about the Chicago Bears. The last guy he slept with is the son of the owner of Lawrence Creek." Carter stared at me again.

I looked back. "Does everyone at The Black Stallion spill their guts to you?"

The pair chuckled. "Just the ones that sit at the bar."

"I've seen some quiet people sit at the bar."

"Oh, sure," Layton said. "But they still tell you things, even if they aren't a chatterbox."

"Hmm." I turned to Carter. "Is that how you'd really describe me to other people?"

He laughed. "No. I tend to describe people only by their best qualities. UNLESS, I have reason to warn friends. There are a couple of guys in here that are just a mess. We'll steer you clear of them."

"Well, I'm not exactly looking. At all. Logan has suggested I build my support system. You guys are a little bit of that. I'm not sure I say thank you enough."

"You tip well," said Layton, with a smile. I smiled back at him.

Carter stepped away to help another customer. Layton brought me a second beer.

"Thanks."

I thought about Layton and Carter for a moment. I realized they were just doing their job, but they did lift my spirits. I considered them real friends, but we had never done anything outside of the bar together.

"Layton, I really mean it. You and Carter have been great. I realize you work the hours that I'm off, but ... can I treat you guys to lunch? I have appreciated your friendship."

"Well, ... wow. That's better than a tip. How nice. I'd probably enjoy that. Let's see if we can find a day that works. Fun. Thanks."

Layton headed to the other end to help a new customer. Carter returned, so I would extend my invitation to him.

"Hey, Carter. Can I take you to lunch?"

Carter paused. "Ohhh, Mitch. I'm sorry. I don't date customers ... or coworkers."

I laughed. "It's not a date. I asked Layton too. I'd just like to treat you and Layton to lunch for being ... for being friends these past two months. Layton said he was in."

Carter looked at the counter, then back at me, then back to the counter. "I guess. Sure. When you're a bartender, you don't get to do a lot with your friends because you work at night."

"Thanks for including me as a friend. I need more."

"Don't close yourself off, Mitch. You're really a nice guy." He put his hand on my arm. "But ... don't let any shit Layton and I throw at you mean a damn. You take things at your own speed."

I nodded. "Right."

Carter poured a man three stools down another draft. He returned to me.

"So ... is that a company policy thing?" I asked.

"What?"

"Not dating customers or coworkers."

"Nope. It's a me thing. I keep work and personal life separate. You start to mix the two and ... it can fuck things up."

"Hmmmm. Where have I seen that before? Hmmmm. Maybe ... ME AND COOPER?" I joked with a smile. He winked back. "Ever consider being a therapist, Carter?"

"It's your first class in bartending school," he said sarcastically.

It was busier now. Layton and Carter had to deal with other customers more frequently. I just casually scanned the club.

It was so hard to meet people in these settings, at least for me. I didn't like blind dates; I didn't like thinking up awkward small talk to initiate conversation. I liked knowing someone before considering dating them.

I thought about Reed ... and that fuckhead "Chuck." I didn't know them. I just bumped into them. That was just quick sex romps. I didn't like it afterward. I didn't need just hookups in my life. Heaven knows one ruined my life. And I had thought about Derek again. All my feelings of gaining more control of my life evaporated.

Layton and Carter came back.

"By the way," I started. "I cheated on Cooper, but it wasn't for the reason you said." I had no way to explain Arlo and his dick and the sparks. "It wasn't because his dick was bigger than Cooper's. It ... it ... I don't think I can explain it, but it was the way it ... I can't explain it."

"Hey, it's okay," said Layton. "Don't let our ribbing get you down."

"I just didn't want you to think I was putting Cooper's body down. I loved it. I loved him. I was just looking for something stupidly specific."

"Let's not think about that then," Carter said.

"So, what are you looking for now?" Layton asked. "Look out there. Who interests you?"

"I'm more interested in how I feel around them, BUT if we are just going on looks ... hmm." I scanned the club. "Cowboy hats throw me off. They make every guy look hot."

My two friends laughed.

"Those two guys in the corner..." Layton nodded with his head. I looked to see two guys in matching hats.

"Hot," I replied.

"They're a couple, but they love three-ways if that's your thing."

"Uhh. I don't think that's where I need to start out."

"Are you thinking about starting out??" Carter said.

I turned back to him. "I don't know. I haven't been out with anyone in over half a year. Don't you think it's time?"

"The right question is, do you think it's time?" he asked.

I sighed. "I want it to be. I almost feel ... almost like a teenager again. The sex part doesn't scare me, but just ... going out with someone intimidates me."

"What about the guy in the tank top over there," Layton said.

I looked. I thought it was silly to wear a tank top in late October, even if it wasn't cold. He was someone like Lance who worked out in the gym. He had tattoos on his chest and both arms.

"A little too beefy, if you know what I mean. Kind of showy too. Everyone knows he obviously works out; he's the type that just wants to flaunt it," I said, all three of us looking at him. "Plus, he's got all those tattoos. That doesn't do a thing for me. I'm not into that."

And then, I felt the walls and ceiling close in on me. I slowly turned back to Carter. Both he and Layton tended bar in white shirts. They usually had sleeves rolled up close to their elbows. I could see ink sticking out of the sleeve of Carter's shirt.

"Umm."

"Don't worry about it," Carter said, drying a glass. "Not everyone's into tats. I get that."

I closed my eyes. "I'm sorry."

Damn it. I don't have enough friends to insult the handful that I have. I buried my face in my hands.

"See why I am bound to be single forever?"

Carter used his fingers to lift my chin. I looked at him.

"It's fine," he smiled. "Don't worry yourself."

"If you want someone who is just down to earth — not pretentious, no drugs, not a big come-on, look at the guy in the red shirt over there."

I looked to where Layton was pointing.

"His name is Kirby. He's just a nice guy. He has a couple of drinks, and he likes it when line dancing starts up at 9:00. He just likes line dancing. He's nice."

I looked at Kirby. He wasn't alone, he was talking to two other friends. The more I looked, they seemed to be a couple. His looks didn't bowl me over, but I liked his smile. I wasn't sure.

"Why don't you just introduce yourself to one person tonight. Just one," Layton encouraged. "You don't have to go home with them or anything. Just ... say `hi.'"

I went to the bathroom. I liked the "ranch" décor of the bathroom. After I peed, I looked at the person next to me at the sink. It was Lorenzo.

"Hi," I smiled.

He nodded back. "Hello." It was friendly enough, but he didn't sound super excited to meet me. But why should he? He didn't know me, and according to the guys, he didn't seem to want to meet people.

He left.

After I dried my hands, I checked my look in the mirror. I didn't look professional like Lorenzo did, but nor did I look country and western. What was the look I was going for? I supposed it was simply "me."

As I stepped back into the club, there were probably about 65 people now in my estimation. The bar counter in the back was now open. Those bartenders didn't wear white shirts; they wore denim vests over bare chests.

It's funny that I was considering meeting men again. Perhaps the sessions were doing me some good. I wasn't letting myself get hung up on the past with Cooper. Could I actually look forward to something else?

Lorenzo was still alone.

I walked to the bar counter and grabbed my beer. "I said, `hi,'" I told the guys. "I'm going in."

"What??" Layton asked. He smiled. I started to walk toward Lorenzo. "Go get `im, tiger."

The gentleman looked up as I approached him.

"Hello again. Would it be okay if I joined you for a while?"

"Uh. Yes. Sure." He gestured to the other bar stool at his high top.

"I'm Mitch."

"Lorenzo."

We shook hands.

"Are you a regular here?" I asked, beginning conversation.

"Off and on. Sometimes work doesn't allow."

Lorenzo was clearly older than me. I assumed mid-40s. But I found him handsome. Cowboy hats, men in suits, men in uniform — clearly, I had looks that I liked. (Hopefully I didn't insult Carter too badly.)

We talked for a few minutes. The city council work was volunteer and was simply part-time for him, which earned him a token stipend. We both spoke of our jobs, mine in financial investments, his in education.

"If I may say so, you are very dressed up. You look quite sharp."

"Thank you," he said. "Sometimes meetings run late. I'm comfortable in a suit. If I can be truthful, I think I look better in a suit than casual clothes."

"I don't think you have to worry about that."

"Layers of fabric can cover a multitude of sins," he joked.

His words made me wonder what I would see if he was just in jeans and a T-shirt.

"Something that fellow never worries about," Lorenzo said, looking at the beefy guy in the red shirt. He sighed. "If only."

"If only ... you looked like that, or he was your partner?"

Lorenzo laughed. I liked his laugh. It had a gruff, sexy sound to it. "Neither. Both. Who knows."

I wasn't always good at sizing people up, but I assumed Lorenzo had at least one Hispanic parent but grew up in the United States. He didn't seem to carry a foreign accent at all. I could pick up Santos' French accent much easier.

I asked him about his work with the city council and what it entailed.

"Oh. That." He didn't seem enthusiastic about it. "I'm sort of scheduling/statistics kind of person. It's not necessarily a creative role. Although we all have equal voting rights."

"You don't enjoy it?"

"I don't enjoy hiding."

"Hiding?"

"Because I'm in education, I don't feel comfortable being my true self. I feel gay people are particularly scrutinized. All it takes is one lunatic parent to fabricate an accusation."

"I suppose. Surely, the laws protect you."

"They can't protect you from scandal. I just put on a different face with my job and that role."

"I'm sorry. That's not an easy thing to do."

"No one says I have to, but it's the path I choose. I feel it is the path of least resistance."

"Does that keep you from ..." I wasn't sure how to ask my question.

"Being public about my sexuality? I choose not to. I don't discuss it, and I'm not seen with men — in a couple situation — in public."

"But you're in a gay bar."

"This is time for me. I would like to think anyone in here would be understanding. Whatever I have chosen for myself, I still need to be around gay men. I enjoy it here. I suppose you could say it lets me know that I'm not alone."

I kept my opinions to myself. Lorenzo's choices seemed very lonely to me. But it wasn't my place to say. Somehow, I assumed he didn't want to be seen with men staying at his home. I didn't know how he navigated romance, not that he could use that word if he didn't allow himself real relationships. Perhaps like me at certain times of my life, it was just random hookups and that met his needs.

"I suppose you think I'm some sort of withdrawn queen who has no life."

"Oh, Lorenzo. If you only knew the mess that I have made of my life."

"Tell me. Deflect the conversation from me."

"I ... I'd prefer not. I truly loved someone. With all my heart. And I caused it to crumble."

"At least you allowed yourself to love. I envy that."

"Love can hurt though."

"Perhaps one day, I will allow myself. I have to assume by the countless movies I've seen that it is worth it."

"I hope you do. I am coming to terms that relationships are what make me happy. Sex alone isn't enough."

He laughed. "That's for sure."

"I suppose I should let you enjoy your evening. I just thought I might visit a bit."

"I've run you off, haven't I?"

"No. Certainly not. I just kind of pushed myself on you. You might prefer this time to yourself."

"I do like that. I unwind. I disconnect. But ... picturing you pushing yourself on me is quite ... a nice thought."

His forward statement bordered on being a proposition. "I don't think I'm there yet. I'm sorry if you assumed I was coming on to you."

"I didn't. You just seemed friendly. Everyone here though is probably on the prowl to some extent." He winked at me. "Maybe someday."

"When we both might be ready."

I wanted to fuck his ass that very minute. I wanted to peel that suit off him. But I knew I was thinking with my dick. He might be someone I'd like to date, but I wasn't ready to be involved with someone who was living a closeted life. That wasn't who I was. I didn't have myself completely figured out, but I knew that much.

"Enjoy your night. Maybe we'll talk again soon."

"I hope so, Mitch."

"Welllll??" Carter and Layton asked as I returned to the bar.

"Well, what?"

"That's the most we've really seen Lorenzo talk to anyone. Besides us. He usually doesn't sit off by himself much. The bar counter was just full tonight."

"He was nice. He was willing to open up some."

"Did you hit on him?" Layton asked.

"I did not. It was more the other direction. But ... I don't want to just jump into sex with someone I don't know."

"You talked to him for fifteen minutes. What else do you need to know?" Layton said, partly in sarcasm.

"I know I don't want to hide."

"Ah. I can see that. Yeah. That makes sense," Carter said.

"For me. At least right now."

I paid my tab and said goodbye to the guys. I told them I'd like to treat them to lunch at Jake's Friday and they agreed.

At home, I finished some papers that I'd need in the morning. My sessions with Logan took a little time from work. Mr. Shannon had been understanding with my weekly sessions, particularly since my work wasn't suffering. He hadn't mentioned my early departures, but I wondered how long I could continue until he felt like I was stretching it.

After brushing my teeth, I lay in bed and thought about the day. The roleplay with Logan helped. If or when I ran into Larry again, I felt I could handle it. My friends at the bar encouraged me to at least say something to someone. Even though I didn't act on Lorenzo's insinuation, I still didn't stop my imagination from picturing myself undressing him and fucking the daylights out of him.

I was hard and took care of it. I came easily.

 

—

 

All three of us had a bacon cheeseburger. Layton had a beer. I had iced tea since I had to return to work. Carter had a Coke.

Layton and Carter were both in black jeans. One had a New York T-shirt on; the other wore a blank blue T-shirt. Carter had nice arms sticking out of his sleeves. I could see a lot more of his arm tattoo. It reminded me that I had indirectly insulted him the other night. Thankfully, he was open-minded about my comment.

"I haven't been here in a long time," Carter said after swallowing his first bite. "Good stuff."

"This is nice, Mitch. Thank you," Layton added.

"My pleasure." I squirted a puddle of ketchup on a saucer for my tots. "You guys don't know how much of a gift you've been lately."

"We're just us, nothing special," Layton said. "We like seeing you."

"Likewise," I said. "And you are something special. Friends are amazing. I'm very pleased we can do something outside of your work."

We all chewed bacon and beef and fried potatoes for a couple of minutes.

"Mitch, you've mentioned terms such as support system and circle of friends a few times," Carter said. "Did you not have a lot of friends before Cooper?"

"Before Cooper, yeah. Some. But in the past few years, it's sort of become completely different."

"How?" Layton asked.

"When we started seeing each other, I kind of introduced him to the gay community. The neighborhood. Movies. I had a few gay friends, but once Cooper and I got serious, the two of us just spent all our time together and the others just seemed to move on. That's my fault, not theirs. I should have made more effort."

"You could try to reconnect," Layton said.

"I suppose. If they heard I was a cheater, I don't think they'd be too excited to see me. One of them had a similar experience happen to him, so ... I'd be in the camp of villains. I had a coffee group on Sunday mornings, but that involved Cooper and Larry, so ... that all bit the dust."

"I see," said Carter. He wiped the corner of his mouth. "Can I make a suggestion?"

"I guess."

"Volunteer."

"Where?"

"Anywhere. Volunteering time introduces you to new people. You have a common goal."

"Do you volunteer?"

"He does," Layton said. "It's so nice."

"On Wednesday's, I help out at food band distribution center at a church in town."

"Hmm. Churches. I'm not big on religion."

"There's nothing religious about it. It's just helping families in need."

"Hm. Sounds nice."

"It's my mom's church. That's how I got involved."

"Do they know you are gay?"

"Kind of hard to miss."

"I don't know, Carter. You could pass for straight."

"Maybe if I was in a lineup of drag queens and Bowen Yang."

I snorted.

Layton popped his last tator tot in his mouth. "Damn, those were good." He silently burped.

All three of us still had half a burger, but I was getting full.

"How long have you two been at The Black Stallion?" I asked.

"Three years for me," Layton said. He looked at Carter. "You ..."

"Four. Almost."

"You two are a good team."

"Thanks," Layton said. Carter didn't reply.

"Have you ever known Lorenzo to leave with anybody?"

The two bartenders looked at each other.

"Noooooot that I'm aware of," Carter said. "Sometimes he talks to us. He's usually kind of quiet. He doesn't engage with anyone else. Usually."

"I see him look at other guys. Sometimes I will notice him watching another couple," Layton said. "More than once, I've seen him watching a couple of guys making out and then get on his phone and leave. I'm almost sure he has hooked up with someone on an app."

"What did you two talk about Wednesday night," Carter asked.

"Stuff. A lot of it was about work. He can't be himself at work."

"Why? Is the city council that homophobic?"

"I think it is more of his role with the school system. He feels vulnerable."

"Well, he has told us that Stallion is the only place he feels himself," Carter said.

"How hard is that to keep your real self trapped inside?" I observed.

"You may have done him some good, opening up and all," Layton said.

"I don't know about that, but ... if my sessions with Logan have taught me anything, it is that talking things out helps."

"He was into you," Layton said. "I could tell."

"He was ready to fuck me. In previous years, I wouldn't have hesitated."

"He asked?"

"Not exactly, but his words gave me that impression." I sighed. "It could have been good. I'm ... I'm just looking for more. I think I need to be done with therapy too before I leap into someone else's bed. Not that Lorenzo would have let me come to his place."

"No?" Carter asked.

"Noooooo. Someone might see us. I am curious as to where he does these hookups. Whenever he does it. I suppose at the other guy's place."

"Too much work. That's a hard life," Layton said.

I ate most of my burger. Carter completely finished his. Layton took a final bite.

"That was good. Thank you again," Layton said. He made another burp. "I'm going to go wash my hands."

After Layton had walked away, Carter said, "Yes. Thanks."

"My pleasure."

"Since it is just us two, I should let you know something."

"Uh oh."

"No. It's not bad. Now."

I looked into his eyes. I knew he was going to share something important.

"When I say I don't date coworkers or customers ... that's because of Layton. I like work to be work, and when personal shit interferes, then work becomes much harder. When he started, I fell for him. We dated for a few weeks. He broke it off and ..."

"It hurt."

"It did. Work was totally weird. It was hard to go in."

I grabbed Carter's hand. "I totally understand. I get that."

"We got back to being good again. Earlier you said the two of us were a good team. At work. When we dated, it was just hot sex until we knew that wasn't enough to keep it going. I wanted to help make us work; he didn't. He bailed on the `us' thing. It broke my heart."

"I'm sorry."

"I just had to accept that I wasn't the right one for him."

"Again, I can relate."

"I do care for Layton though. I do hope he finds the right one. One day. If he will allow himself."

"So, you two are good?"

"Very much so. It took me a few months to mentally get past it, but now we are like brothers. Roommates. Buds. We rib each other. He cares for me in his own way too. But I think when we give each other a hard time, it's our way of expressing our feelings. Dumb as that is."

"I'm glad you worked it out."

"Mitch," he said, looking deep into my eyes. "I want you to work it out with Cooper too. A good person in your life is worth holding on to. He is a good person, right?"

"He is."

"Small steps. If you can manage it without pain, allow yourselves to still find the good in each other."

Layton returned. We stopped talking.

 

—

 

"Mitch!" Mom squealed as she answered the door. I was instantly in a vice grip. "It's been too long."

She was right. It was less than an hour, barely 45 minutes to my parents' house. I was overdue for a visit.

"It's good to see you," I said.

"I'm glad. I thought you were avoiding me."

"I kind of was."

Mom looked shocked. "What? Wh – Why on earth would you avoid me?"

"How about we sit in the kitchen and have some iced tea or something."

"Okay. Are you hungry?"

"No. I had a big lunch, so I just grabbed a chicken wrap on the way home to grab my overnight bag. I'm sorry this was on short notice. I hope it was okay to drop in."

"Pfff. Oh, pooh. You know you can come home anytime you want."

"Where's Dad?"

"He is wrapping up something at his office. He said he won't be long. He was glad you were coming home too."

"Good."

Mom typically had tea in the refrigerator. It was always decaf so that she could drink as much as she wanted before bed. She placed ice in two glasses. We both took ours unsweetened. That was how I grew up. I never liked it with sugar.

"So, tell me. What's going on?"

"I want you to know that I've been seeing somebody."

"Oh. Who is he? What's he like? Does he make you happy?"

"I'm seeing a therapist."

Mom leaned back. "Oh. Okay."

"I was depressed. I was struggling. I wasn't getting over losing Cooper. I ... I just wasn't making any progress."

Mom wasn't sure what to say. She took a sip. "So, is it helping?"

"I do believe so. I no longer want to move and-"

"Move!? Where would you go?"

"That's just it. I just wanted to distance myself from Cooper. I was either going to have to transfer to a branch in another state or find a new job."

"Oh, my goodness."

"Thankfully, I'm resolving all that. I – I still miss Cooper, yes, but-"

"Me too."

"But I'm not running away anymore. For a while, I was so down and so ... pathetic, I didn't want you to see me that way. I didn't want you to worry."

"Parents worry about their kids regardless. You could win the lottery, and I'd worry that you'd be consumed by needless squander and vultures."

"Great. Good to know."

"I'm sorry to interrupt."

"I'll probably see Dr. Horwood a little longer."

"Is this Logan?"

"Yeah."

"Well, good. You know him."

"I chose him. I chose him because I know him and he knows me. He thought it was a terrible idea, but he's helped me face a lot. I'm coping."

"So, are you dating anyone?"

I sighed. "No." I took a drink. "But I'm starting to feel like I can be open to the idea again."

Mom put her hand on mine. "I understand. Cooper was a good one. It's hard to get over."

"Even worse because it was my fault."

"You tried to work it out."

"He just couldn't trust me anymore." I gave out a deep exhale. "He still wants to be friends though."

"That's nice. Is ... that possible?"

"I'm hoping so. I've seen him once recently. I liked it. Sure, it hurt, but it always hurts. Seeing him didn't make it hurt any more. We were so good together. We were there for each other. I ... I just have to decide if I'm able to see him regularly — be friends — and get past the pain."

"Is Logan helping you with that?"

"Some. We've worked on the decisions I've made. Roleplaying in seeing Cooper's partner ... if I do. More than anything, he's worked at allowing me to forgive myself."

"Well ... that sounds good."

"Easier said than done, Mom."

"It's been so long, dear. Don't you think you've paid the price."

"Perhaps." We both took another sip. "But I wanted you to know that I'm better. I didn't want you to worry."

"Huh. We've already covered that, didn't we?"

I chuckled. "I guess."

My father came in. We didn't talk about Cooper. We didn't talk about counseling. I asked him about work, and the three of us sat down for a movie. Mom had wanted to see Oppenheimer, so we streamed it. It was a very long film, so we didn't have to have much conversation. We took a break to pop popcorn, and that was about it.

When it was time to turn in, I noticed during the movie that two texts had come in that I somehow hadn't heard. They were from Carter and Layton. We had exchanged numbers before leaving Jake's.

"Just wanted to thank you again for lunch. I was thinking about you. We're here if you ever need us," Carter texted.

"Loved lunch, man. Thank you so much. I hope we can go out again sometime. Have a good weekend with your folks." Layton followed with a "care" emoji.

Those two. So sweet.

 

—

 

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Tanya asked me.

"It's just lunch, girls."

"It's the first lunch you've had this year," Ashley calmly but pointedly said. "How about I call you in about twenty minutes so you can bail if you need to. I can make up something."

"That's ridiculous. If I don't like how it feels, I'll just tell Cooper I have to leave."

"What are you having for lunch?" Ashley asked.

"A chicken teriyaki wrap. Why?"

"When I call, if you need to escape, say the word teriyaki. I'll make it sound like an emergency."

"Whatever. Good grief."

My lunch was in an insulated bag. I got off the elevator on floor six. Cooper was waiting for me when I ducked my head into the lounge. I had forgotten how much nicer it was than the break room on our floor. But everything on the sixth floor was. Our floor had just recently begun to get new paint.

"Hi," he said.

"Hi," I said back.

"I'm glad we are doing this," he said.

"Yeah. Me too." My heart melted a little bit just to hear him be so soft and kind to me. I noticed we were alone. "Where is everybody else?"

"Mr. Hillcrest has several people at a luncheon with the Crowther account."

"oh."

"A few others knew you were coming up and ..."

"oh."

"I think they are giving us some space."

"Or they don't want to look at me."

"That's not true, Mitchell. Let's face it; we're awkward to be around right now. Hopefully, if we can do this more often, people will feel comfortable again."

I looked at Cooper. (God, I loved looking at Cooper.) "Are you comfortable with it?"

"Any other day, I'd say I was," he said. "I've missed you a lot. I miss your voice. I've really missed our friendship."

"Thanks. So why aren't you comfortable today?" I inquired.

"Let's just have our lunches first."

Uh-oh.

We opened up the items we each had brought. I got up to get some ice for my glass.

"Things are really nice up here," I said.

"I feel sort of guilty," Cooper said. "I went down to floor three the other day. Wallpaper is peeling in the breakroom there. It's sad."

"Well, you can tell who makes the bigger salaries in the company."

"It's still not fair."

"Our floor is finally getting some new paint. It's looking better."

We weren't sure what to talk about.

"How is Corey?"

"Fine. He's in Choir and seems to like that. He turned 15 weeks ago, so he'll get a learner's permit next spring. It terrifies me."

I remembered Mom telling me parents never stop worrying.

"My mother says hello."

"Oh, nice. She's always very sweet."

"She liked you. Likes you."

We were so stiff now. We used to be able to talk about anything.

"Natalie and Daryl got married over the summer."

"Oh. Oh wow. Was that weird for you?"

"No. Not at all. I'm very happy for her. For them. Heaven knows I messed with her head enough. I still hate what I did to her."

"Cooper, she has forgiven you. You two have worked things out very well."

"We have. We have. I will always love her in my heart. She was a great woman. IS a great woman."

"Do you like Daryl?"

"Sure. He's nice enough. For me being the ex, he treats me very nicely."

Wow. That was a perfect segue for me.

"How does Larry feel about me?"

"He's ... fine with you. He knows we work in the same building, but I've told him we don't see much of each other."

"Do you think he would be upset that we are having lunch?"

"No. No, of course not. The two of you were friends at one time, remember?"

"Casual friends," I blankly replied.

"Right. Then ... I let things sort of snowball. I was out of control. Logan helped."

"He has helped me too."

"I'm glad."

"So, what aren't you telling me today?" I asked.

He sighed. "Well, Laramie and I had a talk over the weekend. We actually had our first fight, but then ... we worked things out."

"What was it over?"

"I'd prefer not to air our dirty laundry. But we really got through it. We're better than ever."

"Okay."

"He's moving in. He's selling his house and moving in with me in the weeks ahead."

Teriyaki!!!

Fuck. All those months that Cooper was building that house, I was picturing myself moving in with him and Corey. I could taste it. I knew it was going to happen.

But it didn't.

"You're very quiet," he said following my silence.

"I'm processing it."

"I didn't want to hurt you. I wanted to be honest and straight-forward. The timing of this lunch is odd, but ... yeah."

"I won't lie and say it doesn't hurt. I so wanted to do that. I wanted to see Corey fully grow up in that house."

"I'm sorry. I know he would still love you in his life. He likes you a lot, Mitchell."

"The fact that I cheated on you didn't poison his mind?"

"Obviously not. The three of us spent a lot of time together last year."

"We did." We paused for another moment. "How's Emory?"

"He's good. He's seeing a man named Don."

"Oh."

"You could join us at coffee at 9 if you ever wanted."

"I think it would be too hard for Larry to see me."

"If you ... whenever you are ready, you are welcome to join us."

"Thanks."

My phone rang.

"Hi, Ashley.
No. I'm on the sixth floor.
My lunch is fine.
I can take care of that after lunch.
Thanks for letting me know."

I got through the call without the emergency code word.

A coworker came in and saw us. She didn't say anything. I could tell she felt conspicuous. She warmed her microwave meal and scurried from the lounge.

Cooper and I talked about work things for the rest of the lunch. By the end of our time together, my heart was beating normally. I didn't have anxiety like I did when I came up. I was admittedly a mess: one minute I loved looking at Cooper, the next minute it hurt to look at him.

But overall, the time together was a productive first step for me moving forward.

We threw away the disposable things and rinsed our dishes at the sink to take them back home.

"I guess I'll get back to my floor."

Cooper touched my shoulder. "Mitchell, thank you for accepting the news. I realize that may not have been easy."

"I – I know he is the right person for you. I figured this would happen one day. I hope you two are very happy. You deserve that, Cooper."

"You do too. Someone is out there for you — someone I know you will find."

I gave a weak attempt at a nod and a feigned smile.

"Mitch, may ... may I give you a hug?"

I slowly walked toward him. Our arms opened up. We held each other for a long time. It wasn't a usual hug. It was a connection that neither of us had felt for ten months. I wasn't sure what it meant for him, but it felt glorious to me.

I got on the elevator and took the napkin out of my lunch bag. I wiped my eyes. I felt lost in trying to determine which emotions made me tear up.

 

* * * *

 

An interesting blog post, "Carter Has a Secret," can be found at timothylane414stories.blogspot.com

Email: timothylane414@gmail.com