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23

 

"I have a lot to tell you," I said, as I sat at Logan's desk.

"Okay. Dive in."

"I had a good week. I actually introduced myself to someone new, and-"

"New ... as in dating?"

"Yes and no. Layton and Carter encouraged me to put myself out there. So, I talked to this guy at The Stallion. It was nice."

"Did you make a date?"

"No. I'm not sure I'm exactly ready. I'm still processing things. He insinuated he wanted to fuck me."

"And you didn't take him up on it?"

"I know. You're surprised."

"Not necessarily. Typically, when it has been a long time, guys will jump right in. I'm interested that you didn't. Why?"

"Is because I'm in therapy a good enough answer?"

Logan smiled. "Sure. Not that it necessarily would stop you."

"I feel I'm at the point where I'm not just looking to hook up. I need at least some connection before I hop into bed."

"Fair enough."

"And — you'll be proud — Cooper and I shared lunch together."

"Whoa! This IS news."

"Yeah!"

"How did it go? How did you feel?"

"Terrible."

"Yikes."

"No. I felt terrible and happy and sad and ... a lot of things."

"So, after it was all said and done, now what?" he asked.

"What does that mean?"

"Do you plan to see Cooper more often?"

"I'm not sure. It was nice ... and we hugged." I paused. "It was a good hug. But he also told me that Larry is moving in with him by the end of the year, so ... that was just hard to hear. Kind of a knife in my gut, you know?"

"Understandable."

"But I'm glad we ... did it. I'm glad we had lunch. I think each time I see him it will be a little less painful."

"Good. This is great progress. Have you set plans to do it again?"

"No. I think I still need to process them living together a little while. It's logical, I get that. But at the same time, I'm not going to avoid him."

Logan stood. I got the impression he didn't want to sit behind his desk. He gestured to the couch.

"You have shared how you feel when you see Cooper. Do you have an impression of how he feels when he sees you?"

"I really like to think he is super happy to see me. I don't think I'm just picturing it that way either. From the beginning ... well, the beginning of the end ... when he told me he had chosen Larry, he said he still wanted me to be a part of his life. He said part of him would always love me."

"The long stretch of months of you avoiding him told him your stance, I suppose."

Hm. Was Logan right? Was that my "stance"? Avoiding him? It was just too painful to see him and know he was no longer mine. He didn't choose me. It was rough to see him. But I wasn't sure if I had a stance or not.

"I'm not sure if avoiding him was so much a stance as it was a self-defense mechanism. I think I was trying to avoid being hurt. Although I was hurting already."

"And now?"

"Well, I think our sessions have helped. I suppose I am working through it. Maybe the cliché `time heals all wounds' has some validity. As much as it hurts, I kind of want to see him now. Is that weird?"

"I don't like that word. Weird implies your feelings aren't validated. The important thing is to understand why you feel the way you do. I think in these past weeks you've been more in tune with that."

"Agreed. I know I'm not just wanting to hop into bed with just any guy." I paused. "But Lorenzo was attractive. Hot. Even though he is older."

"Like how old?"

"Maybe ... mid-40s?"

Logan snorted. "My. How ancient."

"I didn't mean it as a slam. I guess we are old enough to where age differences aren't as important."

"I think so." Logan looked at his pad for a moment. "In the past, we've talked about dating people you would ... well, my father would say marry one day. Does this Lorenzo seem like someone you could build a life with?"

I thought for a moment. Lorenzo was still almost a stranger. We talked for a little while, but I didn't truly know him. I found him attractive. I liked his style. He was easy to talk to. He was nice.

"No."

"And why do you say that?" Logan followed.

"He checks a lot of boxes for the type I like, but he isn't out to workers or friends as far as I know. I don't know if he is even out to his family. If I'm in a relationship, I want to be in their whole life, not just on the side."

"You helped Cooper come out and find his place in the big, gay world."

"But he was out. He had stopped hiding. That's a big difference. Again, I don't know this Lorenzo well, but I don't think he wants to be ... `in the big, gay world.' If he dropped all his fears, then ... maybe."

I noticed Logan was smiling at me.

"And why are you smiling, Dr. Horwood?"

"I'm just pleased you are thinking about putting yourself out there again. It makes me happy."

I smirked. "Well, don't get too happy yet. I'm not out there officially. As we said last week, I need to think with my head and not my dick. If I'm going to find something meaningful, I ... I need to find the person, not the penis."

Logan chuckled. "Okay. I support you in this. I think that will be more fulfilling overall."

Fulfilling. Why did that sound more like a meal than a relationship to me right now? I turned and reclined on his couch. I put an arm across my forehead as I contemplated what exactly I might find fulfilling. My gaze slowly crawled up his lavender walls until they met the white, pebbled ceiling. At what point could I begin to want someone as a person and not just for sex? Lord, I hadn't had sex in forever.

"You seem deep in thought," Logan said.

"I am. I keep wondering how I will know who is worthy of a relationship without having sex."

"Would you say sex was the most important thing between you and Cooper?"

"Oh no," I replied immediately. "Our sex life was great. It always was. But that wasn't what drew me to him."

"What did?"

"Well ... okay, sure. He's gorgeous. I was admittedly attracted to him. That was the beginning. But I found him so nice to be with. Cooper was discovering who he was, and I was right there with him."

 

It was the first time for us to spend the night. Cooper and I had fooled around at work a few times, but now we were going out to dinners and becoming a true couple. He agreed to come over, and I was thrilled. With Kris and Dave, the friendships weren't enough to make us the right fit as a couple. I could see it with Cooper. Hopefully he could see it too.

"I'm so happy you are here tonight. Thank you."

"Are you really? I'm sure you've been with so many other men. I – I don't ... well, it will probably be obvious I haven't been with other men. I don't want to disappoint you." Cooper paused. "But I like this. It feels ... me. It feels right. I just hope I don't disappoint you."

"Whatever happens will be fine. I just know I want to be with you."

Cooper's childlike eyes were adorable. I just wanted to take him in my arms. I knew this would be a big night for him. I just wanted him to be happy with his decision to stay at my place.

We both took off our clothes. We were down to our underwear. I pulled back the covers. We entered the bed from each side. The lighting in the room was down to my nightstand lamp. I could tell Cooper was excited but also very nervous.

"What are you feeling?" I softly asked.

"I'm – I'm a little nervous, I guess. I know I'm happy to be with you. I just don't ... don't want to let you down."

"Stop worrying. It's not a team sport. I'm happy you are here too."

We moved closer, and I stared into his beautiful eyes. Cooper smiled at me letting me know he felt comfortable being here.

"You have no idea how long I have thought about this."

"This ...?" I said, needing clarification.

"Sharing a bed with a man."

"Oh." I thought about that for a moment. Cooper had been married to a woman for well more than a decade. He had to be feeling all sorts of emotions. I couldn't begin to put myself in his position. "I'm glad you are able to open up to me. I know this is probably all new and awkward for you."

Cooper reached for my hand. "You've made it easier. Obviously, you know I am very attracted to you, but I hope you know how much I appreciate you. The divorce, AA ... without you, I could have really spiraled. Thank you for making my life feel like I can be happy again."

Our lips met. They pressed softly but firmly. I held the back of his head and kept our faces close.

"I want you to be happy," I whispered. "I hope I make you happy."

"You have no idea how good this all feels."

He pushed me down onto my pillow and kissed me harder from above. My hand went from the back of his head down below the waistband of his underwear, cupping his ass cheek.

Cooper stretched his body over mine. He held his chest up by his elbows, but I could feel his hard cock pressing into mine. My dick had been erect from the moment I pulled back the bed covers.

I maneuvered my hands to pull both sides of his underwear down a foot. I lifted my ass, so that I could do the same on my own body. Our cocks touched. Skin on skin. Firmness on firmness. Male on male.

We kissed and breathed and panted. Our rigid anatomy jousted and pushed and rubbed.

I rolled Cooper off of me and jumped to my knees. I grasped his briefs and pulled them completely off his legs. I rolled myself back and made myself completely naked as well.

"This ... this feels very natural to me," Cooper said. "I like being naked with you."

He lunged for me for another forceful kiss.

"Suck me, Cooper," I moaned into his neck.

I ran my fingers though his hair as his face raised and lowered on my shaft. His willingness to please me didn't waver. He sucked me for five minutes.

Seven minutes.

Ten minutes.

I was close. "Cooper. That's it. Oh, yes," I panted. "Babe, you're making me come."

His fingers reached under me and gripped my butt. He forced all of my dick into his mouth. He had never swallowed my load before. I moaned as it unleashed into his waiting throat.

When my breathing returned, I smiled at him. "That was nice."

"For months, maybe years, I wondered what it would be like to have a man come in my mouth."

"And ...?"

He smiled. "I hope it happens a thousand more times."

I laughed. "Well ... good." I pushed him on his back. "My turn."

Cooper didn't come quickly, nor did I want him to. I touched his body sensually in numerous places. I sucked him slowly. I could tell by his soft groans that he was enjoying it. For fifteen minutes, I tried to please him with as much sexual stimulation as my skillset allowed. For most of it, my eyes were closed, but every now and then I would look down on the beautiful man below me. He was naked. In my bed. He was mine to enjoy. Mine to gratify. Mine to pleasure. Mine to welcome into his true nature.

He groaned as he thrust his cock into my mouth, launching streams of his cum on the roof of my mouth, my tongue, my throat.

We held each other for a moment. "Thank you," he whispered.

"Thank you for being here."

"You called me babe; did you know that?"

"Is that okay?" I asked.

"Very okay. Babe."

We kissed again.

I rolled out of bed to put my boxers back on.

"Oh," he said. "I wasn't sure if gay guys slept naked or not."

"We can if you want."

"What do you like?"

It's funny. I typically slept in underwear every night. Sometimes in a T-shirt too. I had no point of reference if that was typical for a gay man or not.

"I'm good with anything. Usually, I wear something."

"Okay." He got up and put his back on as well.

I turned out the light. I reached for him. He turned to where I was inhaling the back of his neck. I could detect the slightest scent of shampoo in his hair.

"I am so glad you are here. I can't say that enough," I softly said near his ear.

"I think sleeping in your arms will be the best part of the whole night," he answered.

I kissed his neck.

 

"The first night to sleep together was so ... so simple, but I knew there was something special about him. I really felt he needed me, but I think I realized I needed him too. He had captivated me for some reason. His innocence, his tenderness, his kindness — it was intoxicating. He was easy to fall for."

"I see. So, let's find other people who offer those qualities. The sex will take care of itself, don't you think?"

"I would think so. I want it to be more about me showing affection to someone I care for rather than just getting off."

"Sure. Yes."

"I'm feeling ready."

"That's encouraging." Logan sat his pad down. "But don't feel like you have to rush it. You have the rest of your life. You don't have to find a new lover today. Patience can sometimes bring about the right one."

"Is that in the psychiatrist's manual?"

Logan smiled. "Psychologist. I don't do medicine."

"Whatever. Are there pat answers to people's problems?"

"Answers? No. But there are certain practices that are good for mental health no matter who you are. Each person has their own needs and own concerns, but ... well, common sense ... always is a good thing."

For the remainder of the session, we talked about qualities in a partner I was looking for, good places to find that, and a timetable to get to know someone well enough to make a romantic connection.

We were in the last minutes of my session.

"By the way, when you are scheduling upcoming appointments, we are closed the week of Thanksgiving."

I suddenly felt awkward.

"Oh. Uh. Umm..."

"Is something wrong?"

"I was kind of thinking this might be my last one," I said sheepishly.

"Really?"

"For a while. I'd like to see how I fare on my own."

"Oh." Logan looked slightly disappointed.

"Does that hurt your feelings?"

"MY feelings!??" He chuckled. "These sessions are for you. My feelings don't matter."

"You're my friend. Of course they matter. You matter."

Logan gave me a smile. "Thanks." He looked at the coffee table. "As much as this is what you need and what you want, I will admit that as against this as I was in the beginning ... I've come to look forward to our sessions. It's been nice connecting to you in a different way ... on a different level."

"I've missed having drinks with you. Perhaps we can do that some more."

"Sure. Indeed. I'd like that."

"Then you can be really honest!"

He laughed. "Nope. I'll be off the clock. No advice over drinks."

We stood. We looked at each other as if one of us was moving away.

"I'll miss this. You've done a good job helping me," I sincerely said.

"I'm glad. I'll miss you too."

I reached for him and pulled him into a hug.

"I'm sure most of your patients don't hug you," I said into his shoulder.

"It's kind of frowned upon professionally. I'll risk it with you."

 

—

 

I put my dish in the dishwasher. My skillet scramble of potatoes, link sausage, onions and green peppers was delicious. I felt I needed a mouthwash rinse, even though I was about to consume beer.

As I drove to The Black Stallion, I admitted to myself that I felt good. It had been a long time since I felt ... "good." I had been okay, fine, hanging in there, getting through it, fair — and a whole bunch of shitty feelings — but I hadn't felt good since Cooper broke up with me permanently in January.

It was a nice feeling.

"That's a nice smile," Layton said.

"It is, isn't it?" I said, pulling up a stool at the bar.

The club was slow in comparison to previous weeks.

"Slower tonight," Carter said, noticing me scanning the patronage. "Not dead, but ... lighter."

"So why the big smile?" Layton followed.

"I'm not sure. I just feel ... good."

"You have a pretty smile, Mitch," Carter said. "So, is there a reason you feel good? Have you ... met someone? Something happen?"

"No. No. Nothing like that. I stopped my sessions today. I feel confident enough about me moving on now. That feels nice."

"Sure. I'm glad they helped," Layton said.

"Does that mean you are putting yourself out there?" Carter asked.

"In time. I want it to feel right. I'm just not going to ... jump into bed with some guy. I guess I'm wanting more. I need to feel it."

"That makes sense. You don't just want a rebound guy."

"I kind of feel Sawyer was that."

"Who?" Carter asked.

"Never mind. A temporary thing last spring."

Layton slid a frosted schooner in front of me. The head of foam was perfect. It looked so inviting, so celebratory.

"I really enjoyed our lunch last week," he said.

"Me too," I answered. "It was nice. Any time you guys want to do lunch, it's a great break from my routine."

"Sounds good," they both said at the same time.

"I had lunch with Cooper last Friday."

"Oooo," Layton said. "Tell us everything."

Carter looked at me peculiarly.

"It was good. And nice. And hard. But ... it was okay."

"That sounds like a lot," said Layton.

"It was. I loved seeing him. Loved. And it didn't hurt so much. I think I realized how much I missed him. Talking to him."

"Can you be friends without being lovers?" Layton asked.

"We'll see. I'm going to try. Slowly. The hardest part was when he said Larry was moving in with him at the end of the year."

"He is??!" Carter asked.

Both Layton and I looked at him. We thought it was a curious response.

"Yeah. It's what they both want," I continued. "I knew it could happen. Perhaps it is one more brushstroke of closure." I sighed. Then I smiled at them again. "But, hey. I'm smiling!"

Layton came around outside the bar and kissed me on the cheek. "Yeah, you are. You're going to nail this."

I giggled, and he went back behind the bar.

The beer was magnificent. The guys waited on other customers. I simply enjoyed the cold, frosty beverage in my quiet contentment.

Out of my peripheral vision, I noticed someone pulling out the stool next to me. It struck me odd that there were several empty ones, so choosing one right next to me was curious. My mind went to the unwritten rule of spacing yourself out at urinals when you didn't have to be right next to a guy.

I turned. It was Lorenzo.

"May I?" he simply asked.

"It's – it's free."

Down the bar, I could see Carter staring at me, giving me a wry smile.

"I wasn't sure if you'd want me next to you or not," Lorenzo said.

"Why would you say that?"

"Last time."

"You were nice. I enjoyed our conversation."

"I did too. Then I had to be all suggestive. I figured you thought I was a horny prick. You kind of walked away."

"Well, you were forward, yes. But ... we're in a gay bar. They are not known for being discreet and gentlemanly all the time."

He looked down and chuckled.

"I hope you are willing to talk with me some more."

"Sure."

"I don't always mingle with others. I'm sort of a loner ... as you know."

Carter stepped over and looked at Lorenzo. "The usual?"

Lorenzo nodded. I was curious as to what his usual was, so I watched Carter pour a Crown and Coke. It was slid in front of my bar mate. When Lorenzo reached down for it, I noticed Carter winked at me. I shook my head very slightly. "It's not what you think," I telepathically beamed through my eyes.

"How was your day?" I started.

"Good. Busy. Nothing went wrong, so that's a plus, right?"

As Lorenzo told me about the details of his day, I found myself drawn to the sound of his voice, his laugh. I enjoyed listening to him. I could tell Layton and Carter were watching the two of us. I could detect their subtle grins as they continued about their business.

"Not to be all creepy again, but ... I've thought about you this past week," Lorenzo said, not looking at me. He just continued to stare at his Crown and Coke. He held it with both hands.

"That's not creepy; that's nice." I looked at him and he turned to me. "If I'm being honest, I've thought about you a few times as well," I said.

Look at me! I was — dare I say it — borderline flirting. I had decided last week that he wasn't the one for me, but we really did hit it off. Even if we weren't the right person for each other, I enjoyed his company. I appreciated being ... desired.

"I know I'm sort of complicated, but-" he said.

"Oh, Lorenzo. You don't know complicated. I'm a total mess."

He looked down and slightly smiled. "I think you're kind of ... wonderful."

"Huh! You don't know me. I'm not the best decision maker in the world."

"Like I am?"

We stared at each other. Lorenzo surprised me by leaning forward and gently kissing me. It took me a moment to process what happened. Just over his shoulder, I saw Layton and Carter smiling at us. I rolled my eyes at them.

"I hope that was okay," he said.

I stared back into his eyes. "It was nice."

We smiled.

But then I looked down.

"Last call for happy hour, guys," Carter said.

"One more," Lorenzo said.

"I'll just have a pilsner."

That momentary diversion allowed me to think.

"I feel I might be giving you the wrong impression," I said.

"You don't want anything to do with me," he said solemnly.

"I wouldn't say that. Last week, I ... well, I pictured undressing you out of that suit. More than once. While I was in bed. If you get my drift."

He smiled. "Nice. Yeah. Me too." He looked at me. "You're very handsome, Mitch."

"Thank you. I think you are too."

Our new drinks were placed in front of us. Carter winked at me.

I was worried about where my conversation with Lorenzo was going. It seemed to be programmed on a collision course to where I was going to have to be a jerk.

We both finished our first drinks and slid our glasses toward Layton. He picked them up and took them to the sink a few feet further down.

"Mitch ... I'm not sure how to ask this. I'm not really good at approaching men."

"I have a hunch you have been with many men, Lorenzo."

He bowed his head. "Not many that have really mattered."

"Have you ever been in love?"

"Yes. And no."

"You realize those are opposite answers, right?"

"I've loved a man before, but he ... he didn't love me back."

"Well, I can relate to that."

"The sad part is I think he might have been willing, but I wasn't there. I couldn't even meet in the middle."

"I'm not sure I understand what you are saying."

"We were friends. After a few weeks, we sized each other up. We saw each other on the down low, but I didn't let it go past that."

"He needed more."

"Right. Since then, it is more of a ... physical thing with me."

"Am I correct in assuming it is just hookups for you now?"

He sighed. "Mostly. Yeah. That."

"I see."

He reached to hold my arm. "But ... there is something I really like about you, Mitch. You seem different."

"I find that hard to believe. Is that your pickup line?"

He rolled his eyes. "No. My pickup line is: "Want to fuck?"

I laughed loudly. My bartender friends looked our way. Lorenzo smiled looking down.

"I like your laugh," he said.

"I think yours is sexy too."

"No one has ever told me that."

"You have a very sexy voice and laugh. It's very alluring."

"Hmm. I like being alluring."

"Do you?" I asked, taking a drink out of my frosted pilsner glass. I wiped a bit of foam from my moustache.

"Why wouldn't anyone want to be alluring?"

"Can I ask you a personal question?"

"I assume so."

"If we were to ..." I stopped. I placed my hand on top of his hand on my arm. "I think we both would like to go to bed with each other."

"Very much so."

"And if I suggested your place, what would you think?"

"M – my – my place? Usually, I go to other guys' homes."

"What if we went out for dinner?"

"In public? Here in town?"

"Right."

"Uhhh. I'm not sure if-"

"That's just it, Lorenzo."

Here I was, right at the place I didn't want to get to. I was either going to have to tell him something that would disappoint him or find myself jumping into bed just for the sex. Only sex.

I pressed his hand further. "I'm not the one for you," I said.

"But ... I like you."

"And I like you, too, but I'm looking for something ... legitimate. I want a relationship. I really enjoyed being a couple with my ex. I was extremely happy with him. Just ... hooking up ... that's not what I'm after. I'm sure I am in the minority here. Most of the guys in this bar would probably be happy to take you home and fuck your brains out, but I-"

"Those guys don't seem to be lining up to take me home."

"Do you approach them?"

"No. If you remember, you approached me. I'm sort of on the quieter side, I suppose. I just like being among other men like me. I don't typically act on it. Every now and then, I'll get so horny that I ..." He stopped talking.

"You find someone on an app?"

He groaned in discomfort. "Yeah. Usually at his place or someplace private."

"You are hiding. You are running. Don't you want something more fulfilling?"

"What I want and what I am willing to do are different things."

I looked back at the club behind us. I grabbed his hand.

"Carter, watch our drinks please."

I pulled Lorenzo away from his stool. "What are you doing?" he said, looking alarmed.

"Just follow me."

We walked to the dance floor, and I stopped us.

"Dance with me."

"Now? They haven't even lowered the lights. They aren't playing dance music. This is just background music. The DJ isn't even here."

"Forget all that. Just dance with me."

"I – but – I – people will ..."

"Dance with me," I whispered, then kissed him.

I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him gently to me. We slowly began to sway. He wrapped his arms around me.

"You realize this is not a dance song," he said.

Morgan Wallen's "Last Night" was playing. It didn't matter. We just swayed.

"Isn't this nice?" I softly asked.

"People are looking."

"No, they aren't. They might be surprised that someone came to the dance floor this early — and okay, our dance doesn't match the music, but do you like being here with me?"

"I'm sure you can feel my hard cock pressed into you. So, yeah."

We kissed again.

"I'd love to feel it without clothes ... and do all sorts of things with it, but ... only if you'd go out to dinner with me some night."

Lorenzo pulled back. He looked uncomfortable. "Let's go back to our seats."

I couldn't gauge Carter's and Layton's expressions. I knew they had seen us dance, but they didn't know what to make of what happened. Honestly, neither did Lorenzo.

We took a drink from our glassware.

"As much as I want to be naked with you, I ... I've come to realize what I'm looking for. I need something deeper. I could say, `Oh just have fun for one night.' But I'd hate to see a lot of therapy go to waste."

Lorenzo looked at me out of the sides of his eyes. That was a confession of sorts on my part.

"I'd so love to take the risk with you, Mitch. I would. But my job ... I think it is just too risky. I – I'm sorry."

Lorenzo kissed me on the cheek. "I'll leave you alone."

He stood and moved to an empty stool at the other end of the bar.

"I guess that didn't go well," Carter said, placing his hands on the counter.

"It did and it didn't. We're attracted to each other, but I just don't want to hook up. I want him — for sure — but not if he can't be with me openly."

"I understand."

Layton stepped up. "Man, I thought you were going to take him home tonight."

"If he had allowed himself to take me home, then ... maybe. If we can't even go out to dinner, what are we?"

"Does he not think two friends can go out? Does everyone assume two men eating out are gay lovers?"

"Only he can answer that."

As much as I truly wanted to fuck him, suck him, taste him, I knew I had made the right decision. I think Logan would have been proud. Despite my dick not seeming to be able to lose its erection, I was still in a good mood. I could deal with that at home.

I felt good about myself.

Ten minutes later, Lorenzo was on his phone. He quickly departed.

Carter and Layton attempted to cheer me up, but I assured them I was fine and still in a very good mood.

The place was starting to pick up. I paid my tab, and we made plans to do lunch the next Monday.

 

—

 

I wiped the cum off my belly.

I got up to throw the cloth in the hamper. I pulled my underwear back on.

I walked over to the mirror. I glanced at the slip of paper on the dresser.

"I'm a human being, and I'm fallible.
I can learn from my mistakes and be better.
I'm a good person.
I'm worthy of being loved."

I looked myself in the eyes. And I believed it.

 

—

 

"Mr. Sanders, it is past 3:30."

I looked up to see Ashley in my doorway.

"Thank you, Ashley. My Wednesday appointments have stopped. At least for now."

She stepped further into my office. "Oh. That's good, right?"

"I think. Although I will kind of miss seeing Logan. Dr. Horwood is a friend of mine."

"Well, I'm glad that things are ... better. I'm happy for you, Mitch."

I hadn't told the girls a lot, but they knew I was seeing a therapist. They were good at conveying messages and explaining my Wednesday absences in discreet ways.

It made me think that I should stop by Mr. Shannon's office and just put in an "appearance" that I was around. I was confident he knew I had been slipping out a little early for the past few months on Wednesdays. I went up to the sixth floor to be "seen." After I asked a simple question to an upper boss, I turned to head back down to the fourth floor. I looked toward the hallway where Cooper's office was located. I turned the corner and saw his door was open. Slowly, I ducked my head inside. He was at his desk, but he didn't see me. He still looked so amazingly handsome to me.

He started looking over his disheveled papers for an item. His chair whirled to look at the other end of his desk. He reached for a paper. When he turned back, he noticed me at the doorway.

"Mitch."

"Hi."

"Hi. Come in."

"I was on this floor, so I thought I'd stick my head in."

"I'm glad you did. How are you doing?"

"Good. I think."

"Think?"

"I'm – I'm feeling good."

"I'm happy to hear that."

I wasn't sure what to say. Thanksgiving seemed to be a safe topic.

"Will you be with your family next week?" I asked.

"Unfortunately," he joked. Or semi-joked.

"Cooper, they aren't that bad."

"Not as bad as they used to be, but they still aren't ... fun. It's not an enjoyable time. Luckily Laramie brings out the best in them."

"Better than me, I guess."

Cooper's expression immediately changed. "I didn't mean for you to take it that way. That wasn't my intention."

"I know. Your family was never wild about me."

"The guy who turned me gay?"

"Is that what they really think?"

"I have no idea. I've stopped trying to care about what they think. I'm just going to make it through the day. You'll be with your family, I guess."

"Yeah."

"Hey, Trent's Friendsgiving is this weekend. Why don't you come?"

"Umm. No thanks."

"You've been before."

"When you and I were a couple. Now I'm just the guy you didn't pick."

Cooper inhaled an audible gasp. "Nooo."

He sprung up from his desk. Much to my surprise, I soon found myself in his arms. "You will always be my friend. A good friend. A close friend. One whom I love. Don't ever forget that. You'd be welcome there."

"Thanks. I think I'd just make things awkward and uncomfortable right now."

"You do what feels best for you, but know you are invited."

I pulled myself away. As much as I'd like to see Trent and Mike and Emory, I knew Larry would be there. I wasn't ready to face him yet.

Ninety minutes later, I found myself at the bar. I had warmed up a frozen burrito at the house and changed clothes. I was ready to see my friends at Stallion.

"There he is. A large one?" Carter asked.

"How about we go with a margarita this time. And yes, a large one."

"Coming up."

"Wait. No. A beer is better. I don't need to switch. I feel good about a beer."

Carter stared at me like he had no idea what was going on.

"That's not like you."

I laughed. "Now that I'm not seeing the doctor anymore, I had a momentary compulsion to change. Beer wasn't my problem though. I like it, so there is no need to change. THAT, at least."

"Mitch!" Layton called out, bringing in a milk crate with an assortment of bottles of liquor.

"Hey there. How are you this week?"

"Good! How about you? Feeling good?"

"I am." I looked at my two friends. For a split second, I thought about inviting them to Friendsgiving, but then I admitted to myself it was still too weird for me to go. As welcome as Cooper said I'd be, I had distanced myself from the coffee group and Mike and Trent. Lance and Jakob lived in Von, but they would be there too. It was still just a bit too uncomfortable for me.

It was nice to not feel pain. It was nice to not feel like I needed to run away. Did I still miss Cooper? Of course, but it wasn't the agonizing hurt that it had been for months. Talking things through with Logan had helped. I knew what I wanted.

"What's Thanksgiving look like for you two?" I asked. "Do you get any time off?"

"We close Thursday. Wednesday night will be a lighter crowd, but a heavy party crowd. Either people are coming in town and want to go out, or they aren't with family and want to not be alone." Layton wiped the counter in front of me. "Are you with family?"

"Yes. For part of the day Wednesday. I sleep in. Our family does the big meal for dinner. I'll either drive home Thursday night or Friday morning. It's less than an hour."

I looked at Carter. He attempted an answer: "Um. I don't have family in town, so ..."

"That sucks. Want to go with me to my family?"

He looked at me. "Aren't you sweet. Actually, I'm looking forward to being in the house with Fletcher and doing nothing. Just a day to do nothing. That's a holiday to me."

"I can see that. The invitation is there if you want though."

"Appreciate it, bud. Thanks."

I scanned the bar. I noticed Lorenzo wasn't here. There was no reason to assume he came in on the same night each week. He had, however, been in the last two Wednesdays. I wondered if he was now avoiding me.

"Looking for someone?" Layton winked.

"No. Not exactly."

The two of them gave me a devious grin.

"You know we aren't compatible. He's nice; he's handsome. But he and I would never work."

"So just fuck him," Layton said.

Carter glared at Layton.

"I – I think I need to pull on the reins when it comes to that. At least for right now. Meaningless sex isn't going to make me feel better."

"But you feel good now, right?"

"For some things. Getting over Cooper, sure. I'm better. But I want to find what made me feel good again. As much as sex seems satisfying in the moment, it soon becomes ... empty. I'm going to try to stay strong."

"There you go," said Carter. "Do what's in your best interest."

I didn't say much for a while. The guys got busy. I just enjoyed looking at men in the bar. Was I really going to hold myself back sexually? Was that possible for me?

I thought of Reed. I thought of the random hookups. They weren't Cruz or Logan or Cooper or even Calvin. Those were connections that made me feel good. I almost felt like I was going to have to pass a test. Was coming here just temptation? Or was it going to be a place to discover the next meaningful relationship? Life didn't come with an instruction manual.

I could tell by Layton's eyebrow that he was asking if I wanted another. I nodded. Two schooners would be enough.

There seemed to be more men wearing cowboy hats than in weeks past. Damn, they looked hot. Most of them anyway. But I needed something more than just looks. I was just unsure how to find what I was searching for without the looks starting me off. It was all about chemistry at the start, right? Sadly, Lorenzo and I had chemistry, but it wasn't enough.

I was unsure how to begin. The pain was no longer pronounced, but I filled it with uncertainty. I felt like a fourteen-year-old boy not knowing how to begin things. And even gay boys started with simple attraction. Gah! I was lost. Perhaps The Black Stallion wasn't the place to get to know people.

It had just become my new support system.

"I'll pay up," I said, as I slid my empty schooner toward Carter. He nodded.

"I have a feeling I won't see you next week. I feel my parents will want me to head home for Thanksgiving." I signed the charge and slid the paper back to him.

"Understood," Carter said.

Layton could tell I was about to leave and came over.

"I want to wish you both a Happy Thanksgiving. Please know I am thankful for both of you. You've really been great these past months. Thank you."

"We've enjoyed getting to know you, Mitch," Layton said. "Have a Happy Thanksgiving."

I scanned the bar one last time. I didn't know anyone. I wondered if Lorenzo was indeed avoiding me.

 

—

 

"I am stuffed," I said, having cleared my plate of seconds. "That was great, Mom."

"Well, your grandparents brought side dishes," my mother graciously pointed out.

"True. It was all great."

I had brought a cranberry apple pie from Costco. My contribution didn't require effort, but at least it was big enough for my parents, both sets of grandparents, an aunt and me. My aunt had made a homemade pumpkin pie, so we felt we had touched upon all the Thanksgiving basics.

My father still enjoyed using his real camera. And for what he was wanting, it worked well with a tripod. I still felt I could do it with my cell phone though.

Before we had dessert, he had built a nice fire in the fireplace. All of us gathered around it. The flames were just at the edge of the photo, making it oh-so-holiday-esque.

As nice as it was being around relatives, I was missing a gay connection. I hadn't seen Logan in over two weeks. It had been over a week since being at the bar; I missed my friends. Even Lorenzo came to mind.

I excused myself to make a call. I dialed Carter.

"Hello."

"Hey! Happy Thanksgiving. I know you are alone, so I just wanted to make a call and say that."

He chuckled. "I'm fine. I'm loving the night off. But ... yes, Happy Thanksgiving. How are things with your family?"

"Good. It's all nice. I've eaten way too much. And we haven't even made it to dessert yet."

I could hear him laughing on the other end.

"Have you talked to your family?" I asked. I regretted it for a second, wondering if maybe he was estranged from them, and that was why he didn't see family.

"I have. My parents are still together. Everyone is so far from me, but my parents called, and I call my grandparents most holidays."

"Nice." I turned to the fireplace when there was a huge pop. "I wish you and Layton were here to have pie with us."

"Now that sounds tempting. But Fletcher and I are cozy and happy."

"I may drop in tomorrow. I didn't get to see you last night."

"That would be nice."

"Was ... was Lorenzo there last night?"

"He was not. He did come in Tuesday though."

Hmm. That sounded like he was avoiding me. Or maybe he just had family to go to. But then again, I had brushed his advances away. I couldn't blame him if he didn't want to see me.

I told Carter goodbye and texted a quick message to Layton.

When I returned to the living room, Dad had set the tripod to take a picture of him and Mom.

"There are other people here. You don't have to use a timer."

"I don't mind." Dad looked from the camera over to me. "I like doing it this way."

"Fine. Fine."

"It's for our Christmas card," Mom said.

That gave me a slight grin. I thought it was amusing how they still did Christmas cards. I found it so old school. I'd get about three, one of which was theirs. My dentist was probably another one. Still, my parents had them hanging all along the mantel, so I assumed if you sent them, you were more apt to receive them. I bought one a year.

That made me think.

I had never sent cards before except one to Cruz. Maybe this new me needed a fresh start for the holidays. The plan was for our family to set up the Christmas tree later. Perhaps I could take a shot of myself in a holiday setting.

The others started making pie selections. I sat on the couch and sent out a few texts.

"Hey, Cruz. Happy Thanksgiving! I hope you have had a good time with your family. I still think of you from time to time. I am thankful you were in my life during college and that we can still talk."

Before long, I had sent greetings and gathered addresses for Logan, Carter, Layton, Ashely and Tanya, Sawyer ... and even Arlo. I had Cruz's for years. I knew Cooper's address.

Cooper.

"Happy Thanksgiving, Cooper. I hope you and Laramie have had a great holiday."

I followed that with: "I'm glad things are better between us. I have missed you. I am thankful for your friendship."

I exhaled. I never could have done that nine months ago. As much as it would always hurt that he didn't choose me, I was glad that I had opened that door letting him back into my life, even just a crack.

I soon had replies with happy greetings and addresses. I figured I could send something to key people from our client list. I had made personal connections over the past few years. It couldn't hurt.

"Mitchell, Happy Thanksgiving to you too," Cooper sent. "I've managed to survive a day with my family. Laramie and I are about to leave. I'm sure you have no desire to say hello to anyone. Haha."

He followed: "I am thankful for you too. I always want us to be friends. You are in my heart."

Finally: "Laramie says hi and Happy Thanksgiving too."

Oh, did he? Did Cooper just write that, or did Larry really say that? Perhaps he did. He had no reason to hate me. It should really be the other way around. I was the one who he pushed out of the way.

"Fuck."

I knew that wasn't fair. I was the one who messed it all up. Not Larry. Had I not been a neurotic, unthinking idiot, Cooper and I would be living together in that house. We'd be sending out Christmas cards.

"Fuck."

I walked to the bathroom. I stared at my reflection.

"I'm a human being, and I'm fallible.
I can learn from my mistakes and be better.
I'm a good person.
I'm worthy of being loved."

Right. Now I just had to believe it. Again.

As if on cue, Cruz called. It broke me from my obsessed lack of self-esteem.

"Happy Thanksgiving," I answered.

"You too. How nice to see your message. You're so sweet."

"I got thinking about Christmas cards and you came to mind. In the past, you are the only one I've sent one to."

"Really?"

"There's something about your first love, I suppose."

"I sometimes feel the same. Would we even fall for each other nowadays?"

"I can't imagine you being anything other than the wonderful man who captured my heart in college."

"Ohhh, what a sap," he said sarcastically. "I'm sure I'm different than that young kid."

"Did you spend the day with your family or Carlos' family?

"His. We don't do family gatherings with my family. We can visit by ourselves, but if relatives are around ... it's just too hard. I haven't seen a few of them in over five years. Maybe ten."

"That's sad."

"It is, but that's their problem. My parents are at least polite — actually nice — to Carlos now. I'm still a black sheep in many regards though."

"I'm sorry."

"Again, it's their problem."

We reminisced for a few more minutes, and then I let him go. If I was being honest, I wanted pie.

After I pulled a slice from the large tin that held my Costco contribution, I rinsed my hands to grab the ice cream scoop. My phone buzzed before I could dip me any frozen vanilla deliciousness. I ignored it and went for the ice cream.

After my last bite, I took out my phone.

Logan: "Happy Thanksgiving. I have missed you. I hope you are having fun with your family. Perhaps we can do drinks soon."

 

—

 

The boxes were put away. My grandparents were gone. Aunt Eilene had gone to bed. I was still in a nice shirt. I asked my father to take a few shots of me. I didn't want it to look like someone else's house, so I had just a little bit of the tree to my side with the fire blurred out of focus to the other side. Dad was a good photographer. He knew what to do. He took several of me.

Aunt Eilene took the main guest room. I took the smaller one. That was okay. I could have driven home if I had wanted to, but I felt a longer visit with my parents was called for since I had stayed away for so much of the year.

I contemplated jacking off, but it just felt too weird in my parents' house.

 

—

 

Layton was telling me about his Thanksgiving. His parents were up in Von, so he didn't have a long drive. It sounded like a good holiday. I just appreciated his warm smile when I walked in. He listened to my day, as well, although nothing was necessarily newsworthy.

Carter had been in the back room. I hadn't seen him yet. Before long, a pair of arms wrapped around me from behind. I began to turn, but I could see a sleeve tattoo sticking out of a white shirt. I knew it was him.

I turned to hug Carter. He had never hugged me before. Then again, they had always been behind the bar. I felt good having friends in my life again. Combined with Logan's sessions, I was on the road to recovery.

I felt good about the holidays.

 

* * * *

 

Email: timothylane414@gmail.com