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As a reminder, Chapters One though Three were Mitchell's first session, and Chapters Four through Six were his second session with Logan. That ended on the heartbreaking separation from Cruz.
7
As I sat in the waiting room, I wasn't sure how today's
session would go. The first two had been fairly therapeutic,
but this could be quirky. I took my grip off my black book to wipe the
clamminess of my hands onto my slacks.
The side table next to me had a selection of magazines. I
thumbed through the stack. Golf Digest. National Geographic. People.
OUT Magazine. Rolling Stone. Nothing on any of the covers jumped
out at me to cause me to flip through the pages, but my appointment was only a
couple of minutes away.
I felt fidgety. It wasn't like me. Logan and I were old
friends. After college, we both stayed in town. We'd go out for drinks at least
once a month. I attended his wedding five years ago. This was so odd.
"Dr. Horwood will see you now, Mr. Sanders." The
receptionist stood and motioned to Logan's door, as if I didn't know which was
his.
"Good afternoon, Mitchell. How has your day gone?" Logan
asked, as I stepped inside his office.
I softly shut his door.
"Fine. Fine."
"Since our last session, how have you felt?"
"Well, we've only had two, but ... the things we talked about
last week stirred some things in me."
"Anything you want to talk about?"
"Well ... not exactly. I don't know. Once I got to thinking
about those early experiences ... do you think they had an impact on me ... you
know, personally?"
"Most likely. I believe most relationships help shape who we
are. They don't necessarily mold us, but they affect us."
"I called Cruz last week."
"Oh? How was that?"
"I – I – I loved hearing his voice. Some old feelings came
flooding back."
"What kind of feelings?"
"I guess some of those feelings of love, everything I loved
about him." I turned to look Logan in the face. "But I realize that was all
over a decade ago. He is with a partner now in New Mexico. We are in different
places, both in our lives and geographically. We didn't have a lot in common to
talk about. But ... I enjoyed talking to him. I felt a bit guilty about letting
our friendship slip away."
"But ... you still felt like you were friends, right?"
"Yeah. Sure. But ... more of in a Christmas card kind of way.
I just want to talk to him more. I'm going to try to do that."
"Can I offer a suggestion?"
"Sure."
"Schedule it."
"Huh?"
"People use the phrase, `Let's keep in touch.' But it is
meaningless unless there are actions behind it. When you get home or to your
office, take a moment to write on your calendar to call him once a month. Put
some weight behind your decision."
"Hmm." It seemed like a sensible idea. "Do you do things
like that?"
"Remember when you and I went out for drinks?"
"You put it in your calendar?"
"Yes."
"Why?"
"Because I wanted to maintain our friendship. I didn't want
us to drift."
"Wow. I don't know what to say." I looked at him in the eyes
again. "Thank you."
Logan smiled at me. Then his head nodded at my journal.
"Who's next?
I took a deep breath and opened it.
"Number 7. Logan Horwood. Handsome. Hairy chest. Five and a
half inches hard, three soft. No pre-cum. Beautiful balls. Nice bush. Thick, white cum. Fit physique."
"Aw." Logan reclined back in the chair. "I made the book.
You may have embellished my length a tad though."
I looked at him quizzically. "Of course, you're in the book.
Why would I leave you out?"
He chuckled. "I don't know. Maybe I didn't think I was black
book worthy. I was more of a friend category."
That wasn't true.
My senior year was so focused on
studies. Graduation was within sight. I still wasn't completely over Cruz. Part
of me was. I knew he was no longer here. No longer my boyfriend. No longer an
option.
I missed him. Part of me would
always love him. But buckling down to make my best grades was the goal now.
Ethics was one of my least
favorite courses. It had a longer, more official title, but everyone in class
just called it Ethics. I was more of a numbers guy.
"Your name is Mitchell, isn't
it?" the guy sitting next to me said.
"Yes."
"How do you like this class?"
"Meh."
He chuckled. "I'm Logan. It's
nice to meet you, Mitchell."
"Likewise," I said, shaking his
hand.
Logan was handsome. I couldn't
have asked for a better person to sit next to in class. I had been sitting here
first though. I guess I was just lucky in that regard.
After the lecture had ended
fifty minutes later, I saw him turn toward me.
"You're Vaughan's boyfriend,
right?"
I laughed. "That was last year.
Way last year. I had a more serious relationship after that."
"Ah."
He must have been an
acquaintance of Vaughan or had seen us together or something. Clearly Logan
didn't have an issue with homosexuals. I wondered if he was gay.
"Friend of Vaughan?"
"More like a friend of a friend
of a friend. You and he attended a party I was at. I watched you two for a
while."
I raised an
eyebrow.
He chuckled. "Wow. That sounded
creepy." He laughed hard. "What I meant to say is that the two of you were very
handsome together. I thought you were a great fit."
"Well... we were for a while. It
didn't really go long-term though. But I guess we learned some things
together."
I learned how to fuck, I thought
to myself.
"Seeing anyone now?" he asked
me.
I wasn't really looking to find
someone new. I still had some depression over Cruz's absence, in addition to my
dedication to studies.
"Nah. Trying to really get super
serious about grades this final year."
"I see. I still have a few to
go. I hope to get a Doctorate."
"Whew. I'm kind of just ready to
be done, you know?"
"I get it. But ... I've had sort
of a life plan to be a therapist or psychologist for my whole life."
"How old were you when you
decided that?"
Logan laughed again. "Maybe I
had a crush on my high school counselor. Back then, counselors were more about
class schedules, but ... I had to ..."
Logan trailed off. I didn't want
to pry. It sounded like he had to "talk to someone" during his high school
years. It wasn't any of my business.
"My sister was killed in a
drunk-driving accident. The other driver. I wasn't handling it well. Mr.
McGowan at school really helped me get through it."
"I'm sorry."
"It was a tough time. But once I
saw what he did, it ... I don't know ... ignited a spark inside me,
if you will."
"Sounds admirable."
"I still will give him a call
every now and then when I go back home."
"I'm sure that means something
to him. Good for you."
The two of us smiled at each
other.
"Can I ask you out?" Logan
suggested.
I wasn't looking for a
boyfriend, but I had to admit to myself that this felt nice. Sexually, I had
been dating my right hand for more than half a year. I was content with that. I
still felt empty from Cruz's situation; I didn't want to replace him.
Logan hadn't mentioned anything
about sex. It was just going out.
"That sounds nice."
"The parents are taking the
bigger hit with college expenses, but I'm still fairly light
on funds. Are burgers okay?"
"Yes," I said with a smile. "And
I can pay for myself."
—
The next night, we sat at McGee's.
I wasn't a heavy drinker, but the two of us shared a pitcher. He learned I was
an only child; in addition to the sister he lost, he had a younger brother. He
had smoked pot only once; I had several times, but not in over two years. He
was out to his parents but had never taken a boyfriend home. I told him I had
fucked my last boyfriend down the hall from my parents. He liked green peppers
and mushrooms on pizza; I was fine with the mushrooms but would never come near
black olives. He liked old classic rock: Rush, Styx, Aerosmith. I liked newer
stuff: Coldplay, Florence + The Machine, OneRepublic. We found common ground
with Bowie and Prince. We both loved the original Star Wars trilogy but
hated all the prequels. He found baseball more interesting than football; I was
the other way around. Neither of us had played in high school. He liked
swimming to keep fit; I was more of a runner, not that I was running a lot. It
was more of walking the campus.
I was having a good time.
First dates could be awkward, but this one wasn't. I found
Logan easy to like.
"You were a great friend, but you were a lot more than just
that."
"How long did we date?" Logan asked.
"Late January through mid-March."
"Hmm. I thought it was just a few weeks. It's cool that we
remained friends though."
I stared at the ceiling. Logan
had fallen asleep in my arms.
On that first date, he kissed me
good night.
On the second date, we made out
for several minutes.
On the third date, we gave each
other blowjobs before his roommates got back.
On the fourth date, we slept
together naked, with his roommates in the room. We touched each other, but
there was no actual sex. His roommates were cool with it.
Tonight, we had my bedroom to
ourselves until 11:30. One of my roommates, Alex, had gone home for the
weekend. Tan had been willing to give us some time as long as
he could bring his girlfriend back to the apartment. We were already "asleep"
in the dark, when they stumbled in at 11:47. Her giggles told me she had
enjoyed a few drinks.
The two of them stripped down to
their underwear and climbed into bed. They cuddled for a minute. Tan went to
the kitchen to get a bottle of water. They never asked if we were asleep. It
was just assumed we were. Logan was, but I could hear them rustle around.
Their kissing was loud. Their
whispers were inaudible at first. It was just whisps of words interspersed with
kisses.
Soon the girl began to softly moan. Tan did too, and I could detect the rustle of
movement under the sheets. I could make out enough in the all-but-nonexistent
light that they weren't screwing, but I could tell there was a lot of groping
going on.
"I love your boobs," Tan whispered.
"I've got nice boobs," she
attempted to whisper back.
More kissing.
"I want that inside me," she whispered.
"Tomorrow."
They simmered down their
alcohol-fueled intimacy.
After they both drifted off, I
was still wide awake. Just as Tan heard the words, "I want that inside me," I
had said the same thing to Logan.
We had fucked. It was good.
Really good. I wasn't sure how I would feel after being forced to break off
things with Cruz, but Logan made it comfortable.
I loved his dick inside me.
I didn't think I would feel this
way again.
"It appears I am sort of in the middle of your list here,"
Logan said. "Do you have any strong memories of me ... or us ... as a couple?"
"Is it fair for me to turn the tables? What do you remember
the most of our time together?"
"Wow. We're not here to talk about me, but that's a fair
enough question." Logan jotted something on his pad — I hadn't even said
anything!! — and then he looked up in reflection.
"I suppose I recall the first night we made love as very
memorable and..."
"Does that mean when we sucked each other off or when we
first fucked?"
"Interesting. Blowjobs are more sexual play ... to me. Anyway.
Actual intercourse is `making love' to me. But that's just a matter of
wordplay, I suppose. The first night I slept in your room and ... well, you know,
it was really good."
"Sex with us was always really good, wasn't it?"
My cock slid all the way in him.
As I pushed as deep as I could go, it occurred to me that my personal feelings
were also deep. Sex was suddenly better because I felt what I did with Cruz. I
allowed myself to love again. We had only been dating five weeks, but I was
head over heels for Logan. I was happy. My heart was able to open
up again. I was glad I learned that was possible. It was certainly too
soon to tell Logan I loved him, but I figured out that I did.
He groaned. At first, I thought
it was too loud. Mom and Dad weren't home, but I still didn't like being loud
in the house. He spread his legs wider, and I leaned forward to seal my lips to
his.
My throbbing erection moved in
and out of him, and I noticed my tongue trying to match its rhythm.
Logan's hands roamed over my
back. I loved how he caressed my body as my dick thrust in and out of his hole.
I panted in my pleasure. He pulled me in for another quick kiss. As I pulled
back, we smiled at each other; our eyes locked.
I could have told him then, but
you never are supposed to say "I love you" during sex.
I pushed into him harder. He
groaned again.
"Shh."
I heard voices outside. Jeez,
did they hear him groan?
"Fuck me, Mitch. Fuck me fuck me
fuck me."
My cock jackhammered inside him,
and he grunted with each thrust. Logan grabbed my shoulders and held me steady
as my hips pulsated into his inner region.
"Mmph...
Ohhh ... Ungh ... Mmm ... Mmph." Logan softly grunted with
my panting.
I loved pleasuring him. I loved
pleasing him. I. Loved. Him.
He reached for his own cock and
stroked it back to its full rigidity. I pushed. He pulled. We panted and
groaned and breathed and moaned, but I didn't feel it was too loud.
"This feels so good, Log'," I
moaned.
"Me too, babe."
Shoving harder into him, I could
feel my climax build.
"I'm close."
"Hold out. Let me get there with
you."
Hold out. Sure. Like I could
tell my dick what to do.
I slowed my rhythm just a little
in an attempt to delay my impending orgasm. Logan's
treatment of his erection was criminal. It was so forceful; it was borderline
abusive.
I had learned Logan's traits.
His squeal indicated he had caught up to my level of pleasure.
"NOW, Mitchell. FUCK ME!"
Screaming? Really? We had just
heard people out front.
But, hell, it felt good.
"Oh, oh, oh, oh. I'm coming,
Mitch. Fuck me. Fuck the cum out of me."
I shoved my manhood so deep into
him, I wondered if I had done exactly that. Thick white cum shot up his chest
as he growled in the most masculine tone that I had ever heard a man bark
during climax. It brought me off.
"GUUHHHH. Yes! Oh! UNGH! UNGH!
FUCK!! Ungh. God. Fuck yes."
I fell to his side, stunned that
I had been loud. Me! It was one of the most enjoyable orgasms I had
experienced. Off the charts.
I exhaled. "That was amazing."
"I loved it."
"Logan, I love..." And I got
afraid. "I ... love that we were able to do this. We probably have fifteen
minutes or so to clean up."
He sighed. "Okaaaay.
But can you just hold me for a little bit?"
I smiled. "Glad to."
When Logan rolled into my arms,
I questioned how long I would wait to tell him.
"Yes, of course. I do remember the sex being really good."
"Me too. I think I allowed myself to get fairly
loud with you at least once."
"That's not you?"
"It wasn't back then. Cooper finally brought it out of me."
He reached for his pen.
"Don't write that down, damn it!!"
Logan looked surprised. His look of shock became sheepish as
he let go of the pen.
"Okay. Okay."
I thought this entry into the book might be awkward, but we
were getting through it.
"Mitchell, I feel what we had could certainly be considered
a relationship. What do you recall most about it?"
Sex be damned, I'm telling him
tonight. Once we make love, I'm just going to tell him.
Logan looked slightly distracted
over dinner. Perhaps me saying it would help lift his mood.
It was 9:46 when we were naked
in his room. We had a good hour before roommates became an issue. We kissed a
few minutes before I felt his grip on my cock. He began stroking me. I found
his organ and did the same.
Logan turned his body to me. He
wrapped his legs over mine; we sat facing each other. Each of us stroked the
other's hard-on, but we used the other arm to squeeze us into a single
sculpture. A single masturbating sculpture. Our
tongues intertwined. As soon as we both came, I was going to tell him.
It was 9:57 when I knew I had
leaked enough pre-cum to saturate his wrist. Logan didn't leak pre-cum. I
couldn't remember any of my boyfriends that did.
I felt his hand pull my head
into a more forceful kiss. It was 10:04 and our tongues dueled. Our fists were
engaged in battle on the war field of penises. We were assaulting cocks,
pounding dicks, just waiting for the ignition to cause the cum grenades to
explode.
"Mitch," he panted.
"Logan," I panted. I was just
minutes from telling him.
Logan came at 10:05.
I came at 10:06. I was one
minute from telling him.
He flopped back on his bed,
breathing deeply.
I leaned over him and licked
through his cum, which had splatters of my own mixed in.
"That was nice. I liked it," I
said. Once we were clean, I was going to tell him.
He reached for a hand towel, but
his expression changed. I wiped my body as clean as I could from all male
liquid, but my eyes were transfixed on his expression.
Finally, he buried his face in
his hands.
"Logan. Babe. What's wrong?"
It was 10:09 when Logan broke up
with me.
"Mitchell. I – I – I hate to do
this, but I ... I think ... I think we should ... see other people."
My eyes saw the brightest light
they had ever seen in their existence. I thought I might be permanently blind.
"What are you talking about??!
We JUST had sex!!"
"I know. I know. And ... that was
wrong. I'm sorry. I just think you are ... probably feeling things more deeply
than I am, and I don't think it's a good idea to just ... string you along."
"I JUST licked your cum!!"
He buried his face in his hands
again. "I know. I know. This is horrible of me."
"Why did you even have sex with
me if you wanted to break up???"
"It was stupid. I figured, `One
last time,' but now it seems so ... so wrong, like a bad idea."
"You think??!" I was still in
shock. I was going to tell him I loved him — and now he's breaking up with
me!!? "Did I do something wrong? What has changed?"
"Me. I wasn't
wanting to be serious. I just sort of wanted things to be fun — and they
were. But I think we are getting serious, and we are graduating in two months.
This isn't a good idea. We don't even know where careers will take us."
"So ... you just give up on us," I mumbled.
"Don't think of it that way. I
do care for you. I do. A lot. But ... I kind of think you feel more strongly. I
don't want it to go further to where it may hurt."
"MAY hurt. Right."
"I'm sorry. I didn't handle this
well at all. I like you, Mitchell, but I'm not sure if I am ready to like only
you. Everything we've had is great and-"
"And you're just throwing it all
away??"
"Do you just want a friends with benefits situation?"
I paused. "No."
"Right. And where I'm at right now, that's about all I can offer. I'm not
ready to commit to a serious relationship weeks before college graduation. I'm
sorry. I'm not."
It was 10:13, and I was getting
dressed.
It was 10:14, and I shut the
door gently behind me, not telling Logan I loved him.
"What I will always remember the most is the last night we
were naked together."
"The night I called it quits?"
"Yes."
"I know I hurt you in the way I did it. I've apologized many
times since then. I'm still sorry."
"It was the night I was going to tell you I was in love with
you. I was mere minutes from telling you, `I love you.' That's what I will
remember the most."
Logan went pale.
"What?"
"I was going to tell you I was in love with you."
"I didn't know."
"Deep down you did. You could tell I was getting more
serious than you. You knew it wasn't right for you to keep me going when we
weren't in the same place."
"I handled it all horribly. I knew that. I just ... I just
didn't know ..."
Logan got up. He walked to me. His arms lifted me up. Logan
hugged me.
"It isn't really professional to do
this, but ... I'm sorry, Mitchell. I'm. Very. Sorry."
We let go.
"It was a long time ago."
"How on earth did you maintain our friendship? Why did
you??"
"I didn't for a few weeks, remember? We didn't sit near each
other in class until almost the end of the semester."
"When you came over that last week of class, I was so
relieved. I knew I had hurt you. I – I – I just didn't realize how much. "
"I didn't want to end college on a grudge," I said.
"Why would you possibly want me to be your therapist?"
"Logan! We're friends! We have been for more than twelve
years. That was long, long ago."
Logan looked in pain. I had never wanted him to know. It was
just a matter of poor timing by fate.
"Thank you, Mitchell. Thank you for looking past all that."
"I actually learned some things those weeks."
Logan looked up. "Oh?"
"I learned I could love again. You know, after Cruz. I
learned that for a relationship to work, both people had to be on the same page
... and after a few weeks, I accepted that you and I weren't. I was still mad as
hell under the surface, but I knew you ended it before it went further. But ...
yeah, mad as hell."
"I'm so sorry," he whispered.
"I saw you hurting that we weren't friends after that. I
knew it was in my ability to fix it."
"Thank you," he breathed. "That was certainly big of you."
"Well, I also learned something else."
"What's that?"
"I stepped away from the love aspect and just fixated on the
sex."
"Jeez, that's not what I would want for you."
"I know. I get that. But I was 22. I had been hurt by love.
Twice. I just watched what other college students were doing. I just figured it
was sex or nothing."
Logan groaned and ran his fingers through his hair. "No. No. No. I'm so sorry."
"Logan. It is twelve years later. I don't harbor any
resentment. Really."
"But I just handled it so poorly."
"You mean like letting me lick up your
cum one minute before you broke up?"
"Gahh! Yes. Ohhhhhhh. Mitchell, I
don't think I should be your therapist. This isn't the way to go."
"But there's nothing new here. This is all old news. It's
not my current issue. We were young. And if you must know, the next person in
my book changed everything!"
Logan looked at me inquisitively.
* * * *
A post on the blog, timothylane414stories.blogspot.com is titled "Gut Punch." It relates to both this chapter and the recent chapter in A Bed, A Desk and My Unfortunate Soulmate.
Email me: timothylane414@gmail.com