Thanks for continuing Mitchell's story.

I have enjoyed the comments from you regarding how your opinion of him is changing. Granted, he has some mistakes ahead. Keep the email coming. Timothylane414@gmail.com

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9

 

"You say Arlo transformed you. How? In what way?" Logan asked.

"I guess my attitude on sex. Falling for you and Cruz, I had developed an emotional connection to it. With Arlo, well ... I saw sparks. That changed everything. I'm sure it is what a baseball player feels when the crack of the bat conveys it is going to be a home run. I wanted it again. It was like a..."

"Drug?"

"Maybe. I just wanted to feel it. Like someone who plays pinball tries everything to hear that banging pop of winning a free game or a fisherman feeling the strongest pull on his line. I knew where sex could take me, so I detached myself from the emotional connection."

"But deep down, you did kind of like Arlo, didn't you?"

"I was drawn to him, yes. I knew we could never go anywhere. He wasn't into relationships, and I didn't live there and ... you know, the age thing. It just wasn't meant to be. I was ready to move on ... and I can't say I'm proud of it, but I just wanted the sex at that point of my life."

"It's not necessarily uncommon, even if it isn't the greatest measure of a person's character."

"Right. I feel maybe it was a defense mechanism. If I didn't fall in love, I couldn't get hurt. The sex was still available." My gaze fell to the floor. "It sounds so ... sad now."

`You were young." Logan scribbled a few things on his pad. "So did you ever see these ... sparks ... again?"

"No. I wish I could say it became a thing, but ... I didn't."

"Mitch, it could have been a number of factors: the prolonged edging, the pot, the beer, the outdoor setting ... heck, the humidity. Who knows? It was probably just a fluke."

"You don't have other patients telling you about seeing sparks?" I grinned.

"No. Sorry." He smiled. "I have one that can't even say the word penis."

"Are all your patients as open as me?"

"Heck no. You are an interesting case. Would you have been as open with another doctor?"

"That's why I wanted you. I can tell you anything. I don't know. I might feel judged by someone I didn't know."

"Therapists tend not to be judge-y. They'd be out of a job if that was an issue."

"I suppose."

Who's next?"

I reached for the black journal.

"No. 9. Marq. Black. Six foot tall. Cut, five inches soft, seven inches hard. Tight curly chest hair and pubes. Big balls, fuzzy. VERY white cum. No pre-cum. Curved erection. Nice arms. Beautiful smile."

Logan was quiet.

"Has anyone else ever seen this journal?"

"Cooper."

"Ah. Yes."

"I didn't want him to ever see it."

"Why is that?"

"It's personal. I guess I felt it made me feel like ... a sexual ..."

"A sexual what?"

"I'm not sure. Like an addict or something."

"How did you explain it to him?"

"I didn't. I said it was just a list of people I'd slept with. I let him know that I'd prefer he didn't look at it. It didn't mean anything."

"And he believed you?"

"As far as I know."

"Do you think it caused any underlying trust issues?"

"Only he can answer that, but I don't think so. He knew I loved him. We were great for so long."

Logan let his silence hang.

I sighed. "Until we weren't." I rubbed my eyes and forehead thinking of that morning that I cheated.

"Tell me about Marq."

"It was the final week at school. Graduation was two days away. My roommate had already left for the summer. He was a junior. We had the room to ourselves."

"One night?"

"Yeah. It was an end-of-year party for LGBTQ students. Was the Q tacked on then? I can't remember."

"It's hard to keep track."

"You were there. We had texted a few times. I said hello and we made small talk, but we didn't spend much time with each other."

"I still felt bad about breaking up right after we had sex."

"It hurt to see you. I accepted that we weren't right for each other. I just wasn't ready to be all buddy-buddy. You told me you were staying in town. When I decided to return to Jackson Bend a couple of weeks after school, I knew you were here, and I had a friend."

"You didn't reach out to Arlo at that time?"

"Too risky."

"Risky how?"

"I liked him. I was afraid I might get attached. He didn't want that, and I wasn't ready for a relationship."

"So... Marq."

"I had met him casually at previous gatherings. We had a couple of drinks and talked about the school year, dating, parents, home, etc. In the middle of the second drink, I think we both began to feel a little chemistry. We were drawn to each other. A touch here, a look there."

"I think I remember him. Good looking."

"I loved his goatee and moustache. And ... as I got horny talking to him, I thought about the stereotype of Black guys being hung."

"You slept with him because he was Black??"

"I slept with him because he was gay." I turned to look out the small back window. It was covered with a sheer curtain. "Yeah. I thought if he had a big dick like Arlo, I might see the sparks again."

 

"Marq, I don't mean to be wildly forward, but these are our last days here. I have the room to myself tonight. Would you be interested in sharing it?"

"I'm glad you asked. Yes, I would."

 

"Marq was nice. He is the type of person you just enjoy talking with. Anything. Nothing turned to depressing topics like politics or gay rights or racism or religion. It was all light. Fun. He was easy to talk to."

"Nice."

"During our third drink, I invited him over. He agreed. I was buzzed, but I think he held up better than me. He was so sweet, he asked if he could kiss me. There. In front of the others. I think I even blushed. We said our goodbyes to most everyone and wished them a good summer and a good life."

"I don't remember you saying goodbye to me."

"I didn't."

"I just remembered realizing you were gone."

"Right."

"Understandable."

"We walked back to my apartment. Marq asked if he should grab anything from his room. I told him I had everything we needed. He winked at that."

"I'm sorry I don't have beer or anything."

"I've had plenty. I'm here for other things."

 

"I can't say I remember everything about that night. I was buzzed. Deep down, I was hoping that was one of the things that would make me see sparks in my orgasm."

"But you were both ... it was consensual, obviously."

"Indeed. He knew what he was coming over for. We were both horny. We wanted it." I thought about my dorm room. "The bedroom looked odd to me with me being the only person who had items left in it. There was a noticeable emptiness to it."

"It was the same for me," Logan remembered.

"We talked for a little while, just sitting on my bed. Again, he was a great conversationalist. Then he leaned forward and kissed me again. We did that for a little while. We were completely dressed. Our crotches ground into each other. We knew we were hard. But we didn't rush."

 

"I am ... I ... uh ... I need to pee," Marq apologetically said. "It may take me a minute," he admitted as he stood up.

"I wonder why," I said sarcastically.

 

"He came out of the bathroom. I said, `my turn.' Then we sort of got down to business. Both of us knew it was just going to be one night of sex and we'd never see each other again. At the time, that seemed perfectly normal."

"But not today?"

"No. Those justifications were for when I was younger. I want to find someone to love. I – I – I want Cooper back. And I can't have him back."

I surprised myself with a tear running down my cheek. Then it flowed heavier. I wiped my eyes with a tissue and blew some momentary snot into it.

"Sorry. I don't know where that came from."

"It's okay. We feel what we feel."

"Yeah." I coughed up some phlegm. "And when I was with Marq, I didn't really have emotional feelings. Just urges, I suppose. Young adult needs."

 

"I like feeling your cock, Marq. It feels great in my hand."

"And I like how you feel it. It feels good in your hand."

 

"It's funny. For me saying emotions weren't important, we did a lot of kissing that night. To me, that's more of an emotional connection than actually having sex. It seems ... personal."

"Of everything involved in intimacy, what is the most personal to you?"

The question stumped me. Most guys would go with something like blowjobs or fucking, but not me. Kissing was more personal than all that. Was it the most?

"Touching."

"Explain."

"I like my fingers caressing a lover. I love being touched. The most intimate thing of all is to just hold each other. It seems pure. No needs, no gratification. Just holding and touching. It is never `over,' if that makes sense."

"It does."

Logan jotted something down on the pad. I hated that pad.

"Must you write things down?"

"That annoyed Cooper too."

"It did?"

"I'll try to refrain. It just helps me."

"To be frank, Logan ... helps you do what? You just let me do all the talking. It's not like you're giving me any answers."

"You may not see them, but you've made great strides."

 

"We didn't ... we didn't really talk about what ... you know, you'd like to happen tonight."

"I'm open to most things," Marq said. "Were you hoping we'd fuck? If you want to fuck me, that's fine."

 

"That reminds me of being with Marq. Arlo had impressed responsibility on me so much, I used a condom every time after our night. I knew Marq wanted me to wear one, but he didn't have to ask. When I grabbed one, there was a sense of relief in his expression."

"You and I were irresponsible in that regard."

"We'd had so few partners, but ... yeah, we knew better. Did you ever start using condoms?"

"As I have said, we are not here to talk about me," Logan said. "We can save that for drinks one night, but ... yes, after college, I was very diligent about safer sex."

"Something else happened that night though."

 

My cock wrestled alligators inside Marq's hole. It felt great. "I'm close."

Marq panted so loud. "I'm already there." His groan escalated into a scream. "I'm coming!"

 

"What happened?"

"We were in my bedroom. The college apartments weren't the highest of quality when built. They were old. I would sometimes hear the guys next door when they played music."

"Uh-oh."

"Yeah. You know me. It was the night with my parents all over again. But people heard me."

 

Watching cum shoot from Marq's beautiful erect cock was exhilarating. His cum was very white, and it contrasted incredibly with his black skin. It sent me into my orgasm. I groaned loudly.

Seconds later, a bang pounded on the wall. "Are you guys finished now??"

 

"Heard you ... as in through the walls?"

"Yes! I was mortified. I wasn't even sure who it was. But I freaked out. Marq tried to calm for a minute, but I was beside myself that someone had actually heard us, heard ME."

"That's not the same as hearing your parents. Maybe they thought it was hot."

 

"Maybe they thought it was hot," Marq said.

"Two guys? Doubtful. Jesus." I sighed. "You have wonderful cum, by the way."

 

"I wasn't aware of any other gay guys in the apartments around me, so whoever it was probably thought we were disgusting."

"You didn't feel disgusting by being heard, did you?"

"No. No. Gay sex doesn't ever bother me. I love it. That night, I loved how white Marq's cum looked against his skin. It sounds weird to say, but I found it kind of pretty."

"TMI, Mitchell."

"I'm supposed to be able to tell you anything. ANY-way, I was just incredibly embarrassed. Of all the good things that were happening to me, sexually, that incident probably set me back. I became very quiet during sex after that. For a while, at least."

 

"I hate to wipe this off," I said.

"If you lick it off, it will be the perfect graduation send off," he grinned. He smiled even bigger as my tongue ran through it.

 

"And then college came to an end," Logan said.

"Yeah. I was sort of in a nebulous limbo when school was out. I was glad it was over, but I also wondered how I would meet someone. Anyone. When you are at a university, you are surrounded by hundreds and thousands of people. What would happen next? It was scary for me for a few weeks. Everyone was so ready to be done, but I didn't have a job lined up, so ... THEN what?"

"You had been to the gay bar already."

"Yeah. Maybe I was afraid I'd see Arlo; maybe I felt like I needed to dedicate time at home with my parents. I don't know. It all seemed lonely suddenly."

 

"I like holding you," I whispered into Marq's ear.

"It feels nice in your arms. I'm glad we did this. It was a nice way to end the school year."

 

"Well, I know you didn't stay lonely. We have several more to go, but our time is up for today. This was a really good session."

"It was?"

"Major. You digging through your feelings with Arlo were very telling. Your preoccupation in seeing the `sparkles' again. Distancing yourself from finding a relationship. And ..." Logan groaned "...me, and how poorly I handled things. And thank you for forgiving me. I didn't know. Truly. It wounds me to know I hurt you."

"As I said, I forgave you a decade ago. We are good friends again."

"Just because I am technically your therapist, don't think your friendship doesn't mean something to me. It does. It always has."

"Even when I cut you off months ago when Cooper didn't choose me?"

"You were in pain. I was hoping you'd come around. I'm glad you did."

"Me too."

"This isn't professional, but ..." Logan gave me a hug before I left his office.

 

—

 

The drive home had my head swimming. So much was stirred up in that session. I had never forgotten Arlo. Our brief time together set a benchmark I still continue to try to hit again. But Arlo himself took a backseat to that phenomenal orgasm over the years.

As I drove, a song by Ed Sheeran came on. "Eyes Closed." The lyrics invaded my psyche:

Every song reminds me you're gone, and I feel the lump form in my throat
`Cause I'm here alone

Just dancin' with my eyes closed
`Cause everywhere I look, I still see you
And time is movin' so slow
And I don't know what else I can do
So I'll keep dancin' with my

Eyes closed.

Cooper.

I picked up take-out Chinese. As I picked at my orange chicken with chopsticks, I scrolled through the contacts in my phone. Arlo's number was still there. No picture, not even a last name. Just ... "Arlo." What would he think if I just randomly called? Should I? Dare I?

It was funny how my fling with him helped lessen the pain of Logan's dismissal of me. And Logan helped me get over Cruz. Maybe there was someone out there to help me get over Cooper. Talking about these former lovers somehow made it seem more plausible that maybe there was someone out there for me. Someone. Someone who wouldn't be Cooper. Someone who wouldn't be the love of my life.

Fuck.

I still missed him. It had been nine months. I needed to get better.

I picked up my phone.

I texted.

"This is a bit out of the blue, but a song on the radio reminded me of you.
I hope you and Laramie are well. How's Corey?"

I put the Styrofoam container in the trash. I ripped open my fortune cookie. Snapping it in half, I pulled out the fortune. "Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood."

Hmm. I felt I would have preferred something like I was going to take a trip or meet someone or win the lottery.

My phone made a notification tone. Cooper's replies kept coming in.

"!!! OMG! I'm so glad you sent this!"

"It is nice to hear from you, Mitch. I miss our friendship."

"Corey is growing like crazy. He started high school, which scares me. He gets a learner's permit in a few months, which scares me more. He has teenager moments, but I know he is a good kid. You should call him."

A couple minutes went by. I didn't know of a good response.

My phone dinged again.

"Laramie and I are good. Thanks for asking. He says hello."

"I miss you. I hope you are doing okay."

On a scale of 1 to 10, my "okay-ness" was a 3. I ended our digital conversation with a simple, "Thanks."

Laundry had piled up into a dreadful heap, pouring out of the baskets. I decided to do a load of shirts. Following that, I felt I had earned a glass of wine. Perhaps a glass of Cabernet would end my night suitably.

It's funny that the simple texted words with Cooper made me feel a touch better. I had pushed him away, all but separated us even though we worked in the same building. We so rarely even saw each other. That alone seemed like a statistical anomaly, but ... him just texting me words made me feel better. He had extended his hand to repair our friendship. I was the one insulating him out of my life.

I would text Corey over the weekend.

I took a sip and thought about Arlo again. I brought up my contacts again. I scrolled to the `A's. I stared at the number. Blankly, I just mentally said the numerals over and over. My finger trembled and I hit "call."

Why did I do that?? I hadn't seen him in over ten years. What would I say if he answered. Would he answer? My finger moved to hang up.

"Hello?"

Holy hell.

"Hi." I freaked. "...Arlo?"

"Yes. Is this Mitch?"

"Yeah. It is. I wasn't sure if you'd even have the same number. Or answer."

"Well, I did. I do still have your number in my contacts. I've never deleted it."

"Wow. I guess that is the same for me too."

There was an awkward silence.

"It's nice that you called," he said. I could tell he had no idea what to say.

"Good. I was just talking about you today, so ... you were on my mind."

"What brought me up?"

"That's not important." I preferred he didn't know I was seeing a therapist. "But as I thought about you, I guess I just wondered how you were doing."

"Well. I'm ... good. Very good. And you?"

"Um. Good days, bad days. But I'm fine," I lied.

I was in therapy. I couldn't get over Cooper. I was a cheater. I wondered if I could even stay in the same building at work. Fine was not a word that described me.

Silence again. Why had I called him? This couldn't help but be awkward and clumsy.

"You called me a few years back to tell me you had a boyfriend, that the right guy fell out of the sky."

Arlo chuckled. "Yeah. I did. I just remembered having said that to you all those years ago. We are now five years into it. Back when you and I were younger, I never could have pictured the man I am now. I'm still head over heels over the man. I'm not sure how Seager puts up with me, but ... God bless him. I love him very much. We own a house together."

"Good for you. That's really nice to hear."

About him. Not me. Cooper and I were talking about getting a house at one time. That fell apart when he walked in on me fucking someone else. But I didn't need to tell Arlo that. He wasn't my therapist. He wasn't my ... anything. He was just a name in a journal at this point. But he would always be more than that.

"I still like to camp. Seager and I took a wonderful trip this summer. We camped in the Grand Tetons National Park. Lots of hiking and photographing — he's the photographer — and wildlife. It was great. We spent several days. Yellowstone was part of it too. We drove there! I wanted to do a tent, but he tried to talk me into renting an RV. The gas mileage would have been a fortune. I tried my best to glamp it up."

I chuckled. "Sounds fun."

"It was great. And romantic. Or as romantic as it could be at peak season. It was pretty crowded."

"Makes it tough to be a nudist."

"I was never a nudist. Don't be a dick." I could tell he was smiling. "So, are you seeing anyone nowadays?"

"Not right now, no."

"And that's okay too."

"Sure. Tell me about this trip. Tell me everything."

 

* * * *

 

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