Date: Wed, 23 Feb 2011 01:41:19 EST
From: Aragon76@aol.com
Subject: Steve and Mike Chapter 10

If your not 18 you shouldn't be reading this come back when you're old
enough. This story contains sex between two males without the use of condoms. I
 strongly urge any male out there having sex with anyone to use condoms.
Being  safe is the only way to play and live a healthy life without the fear
of std's.  Be smart. Be safe. If you enjoy this story let me know I am
enjoying writing  this and might continue with some more of this story and what
happens between  Mike and Steve. All rights belong to the author. Contact me
at _Aragon76@aol.com_ (mailto:Aragon76@aol.com)  with comments thoughts and
 suggestions you might have. Enjoy if nothing else! Thanks in advance to
any and  all replies they mean a lot to me and my writing ideas.

I want to give special thanks to Mike and Gabe for being patient with me
and showing me the errors in my writing. Thank you for editing my butchering
of  the English language. I wish I had met you both before I started writing
Steve  and Mike.

We got home and the only thing I wanted to do was  to lay down and sleep.
The doctor's visit had wiped me out just like it had the  last couple of
times. You'd think that with the good news, I'd be bouncing off  the walls and
jumping for joy. I was on the inside I was elated over the news.  The
verdict was in and I got a life sentence. For at least another month, I had  my
life back.

 But a new trial was looming ahead of me. Steve was the one who was  doing
the jumping for me. He had been animated and jovial the entire ride home.
As much as I loved him there were times, I wanted to knock his block off.
This was one of them. But I couldn't help but smile at him. Besides, his
excitement was still contagious. I was just wiped out no matter how you cut the
 mustard - my emotional release had been that exhausting. This was really
his  first time going through one of these check ups with me. I had been the
same way  after the first time I had seen Dr. Grisales. The second time, I
cried I think  this time, I'm just numb and tired. This time, I just want to
sleep and forget  about it. I wondered what my reaction would be the next
time I had to sit  through a verdict from the judge and jury?

 "Come on Mike he gave you great news! Another month gone by and it  was
another one closer to knowing that you've made it past that one year
anniversary. There's only what? Another four or five months for that one year  mark?"

 "Five more appointments to go Steve five more. I hope I can live  through
that many. As you can tell, I'm exhausted between feeling all sexual and
the doctor giving me a clean bill of health and right now, all I need right
now  is to crawl into our bed, and close my eyes and sleep." It felt like it
was  taking all my energy to just say that much to him.

 "And here I thought we'd get all giddy again tonight. I was thinking
that earlier was just an appetizer to a much larger dinner tonight. And now  you
're telling me that it wasn't?"

 "Bingo! You win! Of course you don't win anything per se. You just  get
the satisfaction of knowing you're right. How's that for a prize?"

 "You ever hear that song on the radio goes something like this, "I  can't
get no satisfaction?"

 "Yes, I've heard that and you're right. Tonight, you ain't getting no
satisfaction."

 "You're cruel and heartless any one ever tell you that?"

 "Why no. As a matter, of fact I was just told how wonderful and
benevolent I am! So there!"

 "Some one lied to you, someone lied to you big time!" I couldn't  resist
I put my hand over my heart and the other on my forehead.

 "Oh, sir! You have wounded me to the quick, possibly driving me into  a
deep despair and an unfathomable depression!"

 "Oh, my God! You need help Michael...... serious, deep mental help. I'm  not
even sure if Belleview would take you."

  I had to, I just had to, I backhanded him across his chest. He  started
laughing and telling me how my tendency for violence was further proof  of my
need for help. He was claiming that sick violence was a sure signal of the
emotionally challenged. I hit him again and harder the second time.

 We had gotten home to any empty house I knew Gary was working and he  was
closing that night, so I knew he wasn't going to be home until late. Steve
offered to make dinner while I laid down and took a short nap. I laid on the
 couch and turned on the television since it would give me something to
watch. I  didn't know what came on and passed out while the commercial was
still running.  Steve had been kind enough to cover me with a blanket while I
was sleeping. He  woke me up a little while later and had set the coffee table
up with our dinner  on it. I loved when he cooked dinner for me because he
was the one who was more  conscientious about what we ate and put into our
bodies. His meals tended to run  on the healthy side, but when I cooked I didn
't worry about that stuff. I was  always making comfort food. You know,
full of fat and calories, but God, did it  taste good. He was forever yelling
at me when I was in the kitchen making  something. He'd tell me to make sure
it was healthy for us. I'd argue there  wasn't any point in that. He made
us eat enough healthy food and it was my job  to make sure we had a balanced
diet! I felt junk food was a requirement for two  males in their early
twenties. Besides, didn't we burn off those calories off in  between the sheets?
At least, that was my argument to the whole subject.

 "This is good Studly anymore out there?"

 "Yes, a little. You want me to get you some?"

 "Yeah, would you, please?" While he was gone, I couldn't resist. I  stood
up, removed my pants, and shoved them under the couch, and quickly covered
myself back up with the blanket.

 "Could you get me something to drink while you're out there? Maybe  put
some coffee on for after dinner?" I was trying to arrange myself so that he
couldn't tell that I had taken off my pants.

 "Jeez! Is there anything else you want while I'm out here? You want  me
to get your dessert now or do you want it later?" I had myself covered well
enough. I had left my socks on so he at least thought I still had my clothes
 on.

 "Yes, bring my dessert now I'll eat it with the coffee you're making  for
us."

 "Shit! I almost forgot the coffee. I'll be out in a few seconds just
hang in there, Babe."

 "That's all right. Take your time. I'm just sitting here waiting for
your Sweet Cheeks."

 "Funny! Very funny, Michael."

 "Hilarious ain't I?"

 "Would you stop saying ain't, that's not a word and it sounds  stupid."

 "Yes, mother. Whatever you say!" I was sitting there thinking about  the
dessert I was going to give him for making dinner and doing all that he was
doing for me.

 "Man are you almost done out there or what?"

 "Oh I'm sorry! Is the Master unhappy having to wait for his food to  be
served?"

 "It's about time you learn your place. It's taking me forever to get  you
trained right."

 "You're a fresh bastard you know that? You really are."

 "Didn't your mother ever teach you that fresh is always better?" I  was
trying not to laugh at him.

 "I swear! I can't win with you Mike." He was bringing everything out  but
the coffee. I really wanted to help, but if I got up, I'd ruin the surprise
 I really wanted to give him.

 "You could help you know!" Now, I really felt bad, but I still  couldn't
get up.

 "What and miss watching the true Master handle all this? I just have  to
watch you when you're serving me like this, Steve. It isn't often you do
this  and I'm trying to get a photographic picture to keep in my mind for
future  reference." I was glad he was by now in front of me At least now, I could
reach  up and help him some I just had to make sure that I didn't lose the
blanket in  the process.

 "I'm sorry I didn't get up. I'm just so comfortable and you're being  so
nice to me right now. I didn't want to spoil your moment of taking care of
me. I really do appreciate this, Steve, really I do."

 "Ah, just for that while I'm up, I'll even get your coffee before  I sit
down, but only because you're buttering me up with that line of  bullshit
you just handed me." I had to laugh because he was right. What could I  say?
He bagged me and we both knew it. But I had to, otherwise, my naked  surprise
which I wanted to give him would be ruined and God forbid I'd do  that.

 "Thanks I'll pay you back for being so nice I promise I will."

 "I'm afraid to ask this but if it can't include `I'm all sexual  feeling
inside or I'm feeling giddy,' or that sort of thing. How exactly are you
going to pay me back? Oh never mind, you can't." I had to laugh to myself
because I knew what he wanted. I could tell by the way he was acting.
Between  making dinner, the nap, and the blanket, that boy had a one track mind.
And,  after our little romp in the hospital bathroom, I knew exactly what he
wanted.  Sex anyway he could get it.

 "Oh, come on now, no sad face tonight. You've been really good all  day
especially, in the bathroom at the hospital. And then, you made dinner while
you let me take a nap. You covered me up so I'd be warm while I was
sleeping. So  don't pout on me now. I really do promise to make it up to you, you'
ve been  great and I won't forget this."

 He wasn't really being that, bad but he was disappointed. I could see  it
in his eyes.... he wanted sex tonight in the worst way. I felt bad, almost. I
knew he'd be happy again as soon as he knew he was going to have sex. I
just had  to hold out a little bit longer. He'd be thankful when he caught on
to the  reality of things. He bought our coffees back and we had our dessert
while we  watched some old western movie. Then, he cleaned away everything
when we were  done.

 "Hey! Go get your sweats on and we'll curl up here and watch the rest  of
this movie. And bring a pillow off the bed so you can rest on that. I want
to  curl up on you big boy!"

 "Yeah, Sure! Whatever you want, Babe. I'll be right back down. You  want
anything else while I'm up? Think now because once I get back here to watch
the movie, I'm not getting up anytime soon, I swear!"

 "Nope, I'm good. Just get changed and come on back here... just bring  what
you want." He bolted up the stairs and about a minute later he was back
down in just what I wanted him in. A t-shirt, sweatpants and socks. I knew
when  he dressed like this, he wasn't wearing any underwear. Makes it easier
for me to  get what I'm after. Little did he know what I was up to.

 "Kill the lights before you sit down and just leave the big lamp on  by
the chair." I had to set the mood some. I'll admit old westerns aren't what  I
'd call romantic. If I had killed some of the lighting, it might help a
little.  Of course at this point, I had the element of surprise since he was
convinced he  wasn't getting anything tonight. Question was...  how was I going
to surprise  him? He threw his pillow at the end of the couch and plopped
down in the  corner.

 "Okay, scoot up against your pillow, I want to curl up between your  legs
and lay on your chest while we watch this. I need you holding me tonight.
After the doctor's office today, I need to be held by someone special tonight
 and I pick you."

 "Aw, shucks Mikey."

 "Haven't you been warned about using that name before? And the
repercussions of using that particular name?"

 "My memory is a little foggy on that particular threat. Perhaps you  could
refresh my memory before inflecting any undue stress and or any
unnecessary bodily harm to your awesome cooking dinner, leaving you sleep,  getting
your coffee and cleaning up dinner for you, boyfriend?"

 "Slick, Steve! Very slick. But since that was such a good job of  sucking
up, I'll let the Mikey mishap slide for now. But, if you use that name
again, sucking up won't help and I won't show any mercy on you either!"

 "That sounds kinky, Babe."

 "Don't even go down that road."

 "What road? I merely said it sounded kinky, nothing else was  implied."

 "Yeah, I believe that one, now lean back and shut up. I want you  quiet
and your arms around me. I want to relax mister and you're the key right  now!"

 "All right come on scoot up here to me, I'll make you warm and you  can
relax Babe." As carefully as I could without revealing myself I crawled in
between his legs and leaned against his chest and stomach and pulled the
blanket  up over both of us. Knowing what I had in mind my cock was already
beginning to  plump up. I knew I wasn't going to wait long. I hadn't realized
how turned on I  already was. I took his arm that he had around me and
started kissing his hand.  Nothing out of the ordinary just some light kisses on
the top of his hand. And  I'd put it down for a few minutes. And then, I'd
pick it up again just kissing  until I slipped his middle finger into my
mouth, pretending it was his dick in  there instead.

 "MMM! Someone's being naughty and shouldn't start something they  don't
intend to finish." I didn't say anything at first, but I just kept up the
foreplay. Lying against him like I was, I could feel his dick and I knew he
was  getting turned on by my actions. By this time, I was fully erect. I
took his  hand and pulled it down in front of me under the blanket, I wanted
him to touch  me and make him realize I didn't have my pants on anymore.

 "Someone lost their pants somehow? When did those go away?"

 "While you were making coffee and being busy in the kitchen."

 "So, did you really want the coffee or was it to just keep me  busy?"

 "Both."

 "I like the way you operate sometimes."

 "You drive me to it! I was feeling all, I don't know, maybe I was
feeling all sexual inside." I couldn't help but laugh and neither could  he.

 "I thought we couldn't bring that up or talk about it."

 "No, I said you couldn't I didn't say anything about me."

 "Man! Talk about technicalities."

 "Steve."

 "Yeah, Mike?"

 "Shut up."

 He reached down and took hold of my cock and the warmth of his hand  felt
so good. I couldn't help but moan in pleasure.

 BANG! BANG! BANG! The front door practically came off it's hinges,
someone on the other side was pounding the hell out of the front door. Steve and
I both jumped off the couch like we had been shot. I reached under the couch
for  my pants and started putting them on. Steve yelled first.

 "HOLD ON, I'M COMING!!"

 BANG! BANG!

 "I'm coming, who's that?"

 "Like I knew someone was coming over? That's why I took my pants off
because I knew that someone was coming? Just answer the door and find out who
it  is that's banging like that."

 "This isn't over and you will finish what you started tonight, just  so
you know." Steve was walking towards the door trying to pull his t-shirt down
 as far as he could to hide his obvious erection.

 "Just answer the door Steve."

 "I am! I am! Jesus, Michael." He had reached the door and pulled it
open. A body came flying through our front door. And, of all people, it was
Randy. He came through the door like a fire engine on a five alarm fire. Steve
and I stood there in disbelief looking at him bloodied and bruised. And
more  importantly wondering why in the hell he was here. The longer I looked at
him  the more I realized how bloodied and busted up he was...  never mind
what his  clothes looked like. They looked like someone had shredded them and
put them  back on him. As usual, it was Steve that took the bull by the horns.

 "What the fuck do you think you're doing here of all places? You have
about thirty seconds to come up with an explanation or I'm kicking you out
myself physically."

  I knew, at least, he'd be the one that threw him out if push came to
shove. But I was still looking at Randy wondering how he got to look the way he
 did and why did he come here?

 "Can I at least sit down, please I know you both hate me and you  should
but I didn't know where else to go or who to turn to."

 "I'll count to ten and there had better be a good fucking answer  because
if it isn't good enough, you'll be out on your ass."

  Steve was still standing at the door with it open. I held my hand up  to
Steve to just hold on for a minute. Something was wrong whatever it was for
him to have come to us, he had to have been pretty bad to think the only
people  he could turn to was us.

 "Steve, wait look at him something is wrong here. He looks like he's
been beaten or been in an accident. Let's give him the chance to sit for a
minute and then tell us what's going on. Come on, I'm just asking you to
listen  for a minute, just hold on."

 I walked over to Steve and took his hand off the door and closed it.  At
that point, all he was doing was watching Randy, ready to beat the shit out
of him if he even moved the wrong way.

 "Steve, sit down with me and we'll listen if it's not okay after  that,
you can put him outside. I'll let you. I promise you that. Now, sit down
come on."

 He did, but he was tense and sat on the very edge of the couch. He  was
ready to beat on Randy, I knew that much. I kept a hold on Steve's arm as I
sat next to him. I didn't want to take any chances with this one. I knew he
really wanted to beat Randy to a pulp if he was given the chance.

 "Randy I don't know what's going on or why you came here, but I  suggest
you make this quick and to the point." I wasn't sure how long I could  keep
Steve calm. The last thing I wanted was him beating up on Randy who already
 looked that way.

 "I didn't know where else to go for help. The day you came to my  house
my friend next door overheard our conversation. He didn't say or do  anything
until tonight, when we were all out and he said something in front of  all
my friends. There were five of them. You know the group, Mike, they're the
same ones from school. He told them what happened and what was said. I didn'
t  know what to say in front of the guys and the next thing I knew, they
were  beating me up. The only thing that stopped them was some people coming
into the  park where we were. I took off and got in my car. I didn't know
where to go I  was afraid to go home because I thought they might go there and
wait for me to  show up. My mom and step dad aren't home and won't be until
the morning. The  only place I could think of was you two. I know, after what
's happened, I  shouldn't have the balls to show up here, but I don't know
where else to go or  what to do."

 He was being honest, as best I could tell by his body language and  the
tone in his voice.

 "Big fucking deal, that's your problem dickhead!" Steve was getting  up
and was heading towards him and Randy got up and was backing away from  Steve.

 "STEPHEN, stop it! Get me the first aid box in the kitchen and get me  a
facecloth and make it warm." He looked at me like I had three heads I knew he
 was thinking I was crazy and I could also tell that he was pissed with me
for  doing this.

 "Go, on just get those things for me. I'll get him cleaned up first,
then we'll  decide what to do next." Steve just glared at me I could tell  he
wasn't happy with what I said and he didn't want to go along with me
either.

 "Stephen! Move it! Do what I'm asking you please. I'm fine here. If
anything happens and I need you, I'll call for you. Now, come on please just get
 what I asked you to. Please Steve." He went towards the kitchen, but I
could  tell he was really pissed at me.

 "I don't mean to start anything with you two Mike... really, I don't I
just didn't know where else to turn."

 "Take your coat off Randy and show me where you're hurt besides your
face."

 "You don't have to do this, I just came to ask if there was someplace  I
could go besides home. I'm afraid those guys aren't going to give up that
easy. They'll come looking for me. None of them have ever known about me.
You  can see why. I guess I know how you felt before and I should be
apologizing to  you."

 "That's not what matters right now Randy. What matters is getting you
cleaned up and making sure you're okay. Anything broken that you know of? Do
you  think you need to see a doctor?"

 "No, they didn't break anything I got away in time. Otherwise, I  think
they would have." I felt bad for him as much as he had done to me in the
past. Now he knew how it felt to be on the other end of the fists and the
insults. But, I was wondering what I was going to do? What was I going to say or
 do I couldn't just throw him out. And, there was no way in hell Steve was
going  to be sympathetic towards him. Steve came out of the kitchen with the
first aid  kit and face cloth in hand. I had Randy sit down and started
cleaning off his  face and cuts.

 "What the fuck are you doing Michael? Are you seriously going to  believe
him after what he already done to us and lied to us about? Why in the  fuck
are you bothering with this piece of shit?" He was mad and not just a
little this time. This time, I could really hear the rage in him.

 "Steve, at the moment, I'm just cleaning him up, they beat him up.  Has
it ever happened to you? I know the answer to that question, so don't bother
arguing with me. I've been in his shoes, and he's the one that has done it
to me  more than once. I should and could toss him out, but I  won't and
neither  are you. You're never once lived in fear of being beaten or taunted
by people  because of who you are or what you are. Again, I have. I'm not
going to turn my  back on him and neither are you. That's not the kind of man
you are, is it?"  With a little less aggression and venom in his voice he
talked to me.

 "Still, this just isn't right, maybe, if it was someone else. I mean
Michael, he almost destroyed us, he purposely tried to come between you and I.
How in the hell, can you not throw him out?"

 "Because Steve my parents raised be me better than that. I'm not  going
to argue that he caused problems for us. And, I won't throw stones, but it
took two. And, I'm not saying that to be hurtful or to make you mad or
anything.  But, if I can look past that, then, so can you Steve, so can you. Now,
go up and  fix my old bedroom up and make the bed. He's going to need some
place to stay  tonight. I'm not putting him out without a place to stay
tonight. I'm not  putting him out knowing if he goes home he'll get beat up."

 "Michael there's no fucking way I'm going to do this. I'm not going
along with this, knowing if he goes home, he'll get what he deserves. To beat
up, just like he used to do to you.  Michael, there's no fucking way I'm
going along with this. He is not staying here. This is a hair brained idea,
if  ever I heard one."

 I didn't want to fight with him and I knew by the way he was standing  and
acting that he was just putting up this front for Randy. He wanted to show
Randy how much of an asshole he could be.

 "Come on Steve, please do this for me and let me finish up here with  him.
I promise to make it up to you later, really I will and you know I will.
Now go, go on up the stairs and make the bed in the spare bedroom. And thank
you! I'll keep my promise to you."

 "Damn right! You owe me big time for this Michael I'm only going  along
because you're asking me so nicely, otherwise, I wouldn't be, I   think you'
re crazy for letting him stay here!" Steve went up the stairs and I  could
hear him getting sheets out of the hall closet and going into the bedroom  I
had asked him to.

 "You don't have to do this, Mike. I don't really deserve it. I don't
want to make you guys fight. I've done enough damage to the two of you. I just
 don't want to cause any more problems. He's pissed and now he's mad at
you now  too, not just at me anymore, Mike."

 "Don't worry about him. He's not really mad and he'll get over it in  a
little bit. When I talk to him some more, he'll settle down, trust me. And,
I  can't throw you out of here knowing what your friends will do to you. I'
m sorry  they found out the way they did, that wasn't my intention that day
I came to see  you. Randy, what happened. It's water under the bridge now. I
can't throw you  out knowing if you go home, they might be there waiting to
beat you up again.  I'm not that kind of person. You came here because you
felt you had no place  else to go. I'm not going to be the one that says you
can't stay here, it  wouldn't be right. Because I've been in the place you'
re in now and I'm not  saying that to throw stones or make you feel bad I'
m saying it to make you  understand that it's the exact reason I'm not
throwing you out. You need some  one or some people to be your friends.

 "But still Mike, Steve doesn't want me here."

 "If he really didn't want you here he wouldn't be upstairs making the
bed up for you right now. So stay here and relax tonight. You're safe here.
Now,  would you like something to drink? Maybe a shot or two? Are you hungry?"

 "Yeah, Mike. A shot might be good right about now."

 "But tonight, you'll stay here and in the morning, we'll worry about
what your next plan of action is. Unfortunately, you're going to have to forget
 about the group you've been running with. You might have to hang out with
us for  awhile. Maybe it'll give you a chance to understand yourself a
little, maybe do  some soul searching. You think maybe it's time to think about
yourself and learn  to accept it and not be so hateful towards yourself or
others. Randy, I didn't  decide to be gay one day, I was born that way plain
and simple. I went through a  period of time thinking that it would change
and  that I would be what  people call normal. Well, I finally realized that I
didn't pick to be gay. It  was who I was and it took Steve to make me
realize not to be ashamed of it  either."

 "But I wasn't positive you were gay in the beginning, I just said  that
so the guys would like me and you became my target. I was new to the area
and wanted to be accepted. I guess because I couldn't accept myself. The guys
liked it when I'd picked on you and beat you up or called you names."  I
realized and understood what made Randy tick after all those years in High
School. I just knew from talking to him even if he was trying to screw with
me  before that there was a nice guy inside of him somewhere. He just had to
find it  himself. I wasn't sure I could help him or not, but maybe Steve
and I together  could do something for him.

 "You need to talk to Steve about standing up for who and what you are
Randy. He's the one that made me believe it's the way to be. Before he came
into  my life, I hid from the world. I didn't want people to find out. I don'
t know if  I was ashamed or afraid to tell people. I think I was more afraid
than anything  else because I knew some people would turn their backs on me
and to be honest a  few did but most are still my friends."

 Steve had finished up stairs and had come back to the living room. He  sat
down beside me and I could tell he didn't want anything to do with Randy.
He  was here so I wasn't alone with him. I could tell he didn't trust Randy
yet. I  wasn't sure I did either yet but I had to take that chance I just
felt he needed  someone to help him understand himself

 "Steve, I was telling Randy what you taught me about standing up for
myself. I didn't tell him what you told me about not living a lie and being true
 to yourself. Maybe you can tell him something. Come on.  It's okay Steve,
he's going to need some friends and I'm pretty sure the group he's been
hanging  around with aren't going to be sticking around. One or two might down
the road,  but not right now." He wasn't happy with me I could tell, but I
nudged him and  gave him a look letting him know I meant it.

 "Unlike Mike here Randy, I don't like you being here and I won't lie
about that either Michael." He gave me a dirty look and I knew he'd have more
to  say to me about it later. But, he was feeling like I was shoving Randy
down his  throat and he wasn't happy about it.

 "When I met Mike he never told anyone about who he was. He was  hiding,
but due to circumstance that I won't go into now. I had time to spend  with
him. Funny thing was, we both felt the same about each other, but were  afraid
to tell each other. Something happened one day and the truth came out.  And
believe me, I'm leaving a lot out right now. But, I never realized I could
feel like this towards a guy, but when I did realize he loved me too, I
knew I  couldn't hide behind this charade of not telling people, so I told
Michael that  we would go forward as long as we told people. You'll like
yourself a lot more  by accepting it and letting people you know. Start small,
start with your  parents or you brothers or sisters, if you have any."

 "You two make it sound so easy."

 "Randy, I won't lie to you. It wasn't easy. There were a few tense
moments, when I told people. Most good, some just okay and a few others well,
there will always be others."

 I'm not sure if Steve and I made any progress with his attitude or  not. I
knew there really wasn't anything I could do about it anyway. It was up  to
him, just as it had been up to me. But having gone through it myself, I was
 going to try and help him as much as I could.

 "Randy, what do you think if I go with you to tell your mother? I  know she
'll be more okay with it than you think. She certainly accepted Steve  and
I at the hospital with open arms."

 "Yeah, at the hospital, you're the patient she has to take care of  you,
not the son she has to live with."

 "I don't think she acted like she did to make me feel better. It  wasn't
just how she acted... it was also what she said to us."

 "I'll bet she'll do better than you think. I'll admit my mother  wasn't
happy at first either and my father wasn't to glad either. But they've
come around and I'll bet your mother will too, unless she just accepts it right
 from the minute you tell her." As I sat there I felt a grinding headache
coming  on and felt like I just wanted to take some Tylenol and go to bed.

 I felt bad for Randy. I knew what he was going through. And there was
nothing I could do for him he had to go through this on his own terms. I could
try and encourage him to not be ashamed of himself and I could be there
when he  needed someone to listen or talk to. But other than that, he'd be on
his own. He  has to figure this out for himself, I know it's not an easy
road, but it's just  something you have to go through it on your own terms. I
felt sorry for him but  at the same time, I felt like it was justice being
served in it's own way. Now,  he knew how I had felt those years that he had
tormented me along with his  friends. But, I couldn't just throw him back out
there to the wolves since he  had come to us for help. But, I was beginning
to wonder how far was I willing to  go with Steve feeling the way he did. He
wasn't as trusting and I understood why  he felt that way. And I wasn't
going to let Randy come between us again. Tonight  at bed time was going to be
interesting to say the least. How could I help him  come out of his shell?
My first thought was to talk to Steve about what he  thought about we should
do, throw the ball in his court. I had to get Steve  involved... let him be
the alpha male that he is. I'll just play along that I'm  not sure what to
do but that I agreed with Steve and that he couldn't stay here.  I just had
to make it a challenge to him, at the moment I just wasn`t sure  how.

 "Randy, I put some towels out for you so you could take a shower if  you
want. I put some old gym shorts and a t-shirt out for you , that way you  won'
t have to sleep in your clothes. We're going to bed. You're welcome to
watch  the TV if you aren't ready to crash. If you need anything just knock on
our door  I'll hear you and I'll get up. So, don't hesitate, Randy, if you
need anything,  even just to talk to me, just knock. Don't be afraid to wake
me up."

 "Thanks Mike and you too, Steve. After what I've done to you two, I  don'
t deserve this. You've been good to me and I promise I won't do anything to
 screw this up. I just hope you can help me. And Steve I owe you the
biggest  apology, I admired you that night you pushed me away that took a lot of
character to do that."

"Let's not talk about that Randy, it's  over with. Mike and I have talked
about that and we are working at putting that  behind us. I suggest you do
the same. You have to move forward with your life  Randy that's all I can
tell you now." Steve took me by the hand and we both said  good night to Randy
while heading up the stairs to our bedroom. As soon as were  in the room
Steve closed the door. And in a hushed voice he started right  away.

 "What in the hell is wrong with you? Have you lost your fucking mind...
letting him stay here after all the things he's done to you and then to you
and  I? I swear, Babe, sometimes you just don't think. You just do it and then
worry  about the consequences later. What if he rips us off while we're
sleeping? What  if he wants to kill us while we're sleeping? What if his
friends beat him up a  little so that they could all come here and beat the hell
out of you and me? Did  you consider any of these possibilities?" By now, we
were in the bathroom doing  our nightly ritual. He was right. I hadn't
thought about this being a set up.  But, my gut just said it wasn't. God I hope I
wasn't wrong.

 "It's not like that Steve. Did you not see the way he looked? He was
afraid I could see it in his eyes. I'll admit I didn't think that this could
be  a set up but my heart tells me it's not. It took a lot for him to come
here  looking for our help after everything that's happened."

 "I certainly hope you're right this time, Mike, and that I'm wrong.  You
have a big heart sometimes too big for your own good. He came up behind me
and put his arms around me and kissed my neck. I always laid my head back on
his  shoulder when he did that to me. It just felt good standing there and
letting  him hold me like that and then he backed away.

 "Close your eye's a second."

 "Why?"

 "Because I said so, rubber nuts!" I couldn't but laugh over his use  of
words.

 "Nice way to get me to do something by calling me rubber nuts  mister."

 "Just close your eyes already." So, I did I closed them knowing that  we
were interrupted during our little sex play earlier. I was getting excited
and was wondering what exactly he had in mind.

 "You ready?":

 "Yes I'm ready. Go ahead and rape me! I give you my completer  permission
Master."

 "Stop it, I'm not going to do  that because, as you know, you  can not
rape the willing and you're always willing no matter what the time of  day or
place." I had to laugh he had a point.

 I opened my eyes and he was in front of me kneeling down on one knee  with
his hands behind his back. He brought one hand around and took one of mine
into it. And while still looking at me, he brought his other hand around
and  slipped the gold band he had gotten me before onto my finger. I was
shocked and  surprised to say the least.

 "I asked you once before to share the rest of your life with me. I'm
asking again because I don't want to lose you Michael. I made a mistake and you
 let me back in your life. I'm not letting you get away again. As best as I
can  in these times we live in, I'm asking you to marry me. No ifs, no
buts, no  maybes. I want you to share my life with yours. Will you do that for
me? Will  you be my partner for the rest of our lives Michael? I want to take
care of you  what ever time we have left, whether it's six months, six
years or six decades.  I'm counting on the last one of those options. I want you
by my side. Say yes to  me, Michael, just say yes." It was the last thing I
had expected that night. And  all I could do was look down into those eyes
that just sparkled and they melted  my heart. I was truly at a loss for
words. My silence wasn't what he wanted to  hear. He began to rattle off his
fears to me.

"Maybe it's too  soon. I should have waited to ask you this again. I'm
being out of line thinking  I should ask you this. I'm not trying to push you
into anything Michael." I put  my finger to his mouth and held them there in
order to get him to stop  talking.

 "It's not too soon you're not out of line and you're not being pushy.
And you're definitely not being out of line. And, yes I will, in answer to
your  question."

 He jumped up and threw his arms around me and hugged me so hard I  thought
I was going to lose my ability to breath. And it made my headache ten
times worse with him squeezing me like he was. I just didn't want to ruin his
happiness... I think he would have picked me up if I wasn't as heavy as I
was.  Once he settled down, he pulled a chain out of his pocket and he put it
around  my neck. I knew it wasn't the same one that I had broken that night,
this one  had a Celtic knot on it.

 "I'm not sure what this knot really means, but to me, it means that  we'
re tied together. Look at it as an engagement present instead of a ring. I
still have the others but I think I'm going to take those back and pick out
new  ones. I'll let you decide if you want to keep the ones we have or get
new ones,  it's up to you and your decision." I was touched he wanted this to
be a fresh  start and not a reminder of what had happened. It was his way
of putting the  past behind us. I appreciated  his thoughtfulness.

 "I don't care what it really means either, Steve. To me, it will  always
mean that you thought of us in a new light and a new beginning. And,  taking
back those rings for something else is a good idea. Since you picked  those
out, you can pick out the new ones to."

 "I wasn't sure if it was too soon or not. It's just the more I think
about those monthly visits and some of the things you've said, I just don't
want  to wait anymore Mike. And the sooner we do this the better. As long as
that's  okay with you, Babe."

 "It's fine Steve. Its fine. Does you mother know about this yet or  not?"

 "She knows I was going to ask you soon and she agreed that it was a  good
idea not to wait."

 "I'll have to remember to thank her the next time I see her."

 "That'll be this coming Sunday we're going to church and then to Mom  and
Dad's to dinner."

 "Let me guess since everyone will be there with the knowledge that we  are
coming together that there will be some planning going on, true or false
buddy boy?"

 "I refuse to answer that question on the grounds...."

 "That it will incriminate your ass to no end I'm sure."  At that  moment,
I felt like it had before the fight I was happy to have this feeling
again. It made me feel good to know that we were getting back on track. I knew
there were still a few things, but that would just come with time.

 "How soon do you think you'd like to do this, Steve?"

 "The sooner, the better. It will depend on what my mother and sisters
cook up for us. I suppose it's going to depend on how many people we  invite."

 "I don't want a lot of people or a big deal Steve... just close friends
and immediately family that's it. What about you?"

 "I'm thinking the same thing you are, Babe, nothing too crazy."

 "The question will be Laura and what she'll have in mind."

 "Not to worry I'll have Mom keep a leash on her before she gets out  of
hand."

 "For now, Studly, I'm tired and I'm having this craving to crawl in  and
just let you hold me. Can you do that even after what I started  earlier?"

 "Are you serious or are you just teasing me Mike? You've got me all  hot
and bothered." I half smirked giving it away that I wasn't being  serious

 "You know me better than that I wouldn't tease you like I did and  then
just decide to say no, I want it just as much as you do."

 "I'd rape you if I could, but like I've said before, you can   not rape
the willing, so there is no way I'll ever be able to rape you." I  started
stripping off my clothes as I got closer to the bed and crawled in and  got
under the covers while I watched him slowly undress himself for my benefit.
Why I found him so sexy when he did this for me I'm not sure, but he could
make  me hard just by doing it. By the time he had dropped his underwear, I
was rock  hard... well, more like granite steel.'

 He got on the bed at the end and crawled up to me on his hands and  knees
never losing our eye contact. When he was close enough, he reached out and
pulled back the covers, exposing my cock to him. He moved closer and bent
his  head down and slowly and gently took my cock into his mouth and began to
bob up  and down on me. I ran my fingers through his hair and held onto him
while he  continued to give me head. I loved the feel of his hair in my
hands, it was like  silk. I was in heaven and he was just going slowly and
gently, but never holding  still. He took my balls in his hand and rolled them
gently in his fingers. I  spread my legs as far apart as I could. I was in
sexual bliss. I was rubbing his  shoulders and back as he continued to work my
cock in his mouth. He wasn't  hurrying and he wasn't trying to work me into
a frenzy. But, for all he wasn't  doing, he was pushing all my buttons that
did exactly what he was trying to do,  and that was to get me hot and
bothered. And the more he kept this kind of thing  up, I knew it wouldn't be too
long I before I would be begging him to shove his  cock into me. I decided
to let him pick what he wanted to do since he was the  one that had started
it.

 As he soaked my cock with his saliva, it ran down my cock and onto my
balls and slowly made it way towards my hole. He used it to lube his finger as
he pushed it into me. He went straight to my prostate button and hit the on
 switch. He flipped it back and forth and then withdrew his finger. He
began to  let go of my cock and started kissing my thighs and licking them. I
spread my  legs further apart and slid further down more in the bed. I brought
my knees up  giving him access to my hole, as I knew that was what he
wanted. Before long he  sucked by balls into his mouth and sucked them hard
almost to the point of being  painful. At that same moment, he shoved two of his
fingers inside me and just  held them there while he chewed on my balls. I
was going crazy and he knew it.  He let go of my balls and used his fingers
to push that button inside again. If  he kept it up, I would be begging soon
for him to shove his cock in me.!

 I couldn't let that happen, not just yet, I pushed him off and got  him to
lay on his back and just as he had done to me I slowly and gently made
love to his cock with my mouth. I bobbed up and down slowly allowing him to
hold  onto my head as he fucked my mouth gently. I pulled off his engorged cock
and  began to lick the inside of his thighs and the crease between his legs
and the  hair around his organ. I pulled his balls into my mouth and sucked
on it as hard  as I could. He was clutching the sheets with both of his
hands and was trying  desperately to get me to put his cock back in my mouth,
but first, I used it to  rub it all over my face especially across my five o'
clock shadow. Finally, I  gave in to him and slipped his dick back down my
throat. He grabbed my head with  force and this time, I almost gagged.
Something I rarely did.

 I reached for the lube by the bed and squirted some into my hands I
wanted it to be warm when I coated his dick with it. I smeared his cock and then
his balls, roughly rolling them in my fingers and pulling on them as hard
as I  could. I crawled my way up his stomach kissing and licking it all along
the way  to his nipples. I sucked on them and lightly bit them and pinched
them in  between my teeth. I kept going between roughly and gently. I made
my way towards  his neck kissing it and licking along his jugular vein,
knowing that it was  something that turned Steve on a lot. I straddled his crotch
and began rubbing  his prick up and down against my hole... the hole he
wanted so badly.

 "Let me in Mike, let me have it I need you so badly right now, you've
got me so hot."

 "Will you go slowly for me?"

"Yes, Baby."

 "Then, I'm all yours. Take hold of your cock and line it up and shove  it
in, nice and slow." He did just as I asked. He pushed the crown in and
slowly  kept entering me never slowing down or never speeding up. He just slowly
pushed  until he was in as far as he could go.

 "Just hold me for a minute Steve. Before we go any further, I want to
enjoy the way this feels right now. I like the way you make me feel when we're
like this." He did. He held me and kissed me gently all over my face and my
 hands, and he began to rub my back. Then, ever so slowly, he began to rock
back  and forth. As he pulled out, I would move up  and then come down on
him as  he was entering me. It had been too long. Man, did this feel good. He
was slowly  beginning to increase his pace, but not too much. He was
constantly rubbing up  against my prostate, exciting me more and more.

 "Oh, yeah, baby, keep doing that to me. You're hitting the right  spot...
so good."

 "I want to just keep up this pace I want to make you cum so hard and  you'
re not even going to touch your dick Babe?

 "Oh, hell yeah! Just keep doing this... just keeping going! you feel so
wonderful doing this to me."

 "I love you Michael, I love making love to you like this. I could  just
keep doing this."

 "Just keep doing it, Its not going to be much longer... my balls are
starting to pull up and I've got that feeling of "no return" starting to build.
If you slow down a minute, I might be able to hold off a little longer."

 "You want me to tease you? You want me to stop and just pull out of  this
hot ass of yours?" Before I could say anything he withdrew all of his cock
from my ass. I felt like my world was coming to an end. I wanted him back
inside  of me and now.

 "Put it back please! Steve, put it back, please. I feel too empty!  I'm
begging you please." He pushed the head of his cock in just a little and
went in and out with just the tip. It was driving me crazy and I wanted the
whole thing in, not just the head. Before I could say anything else, slowly he
 drove his cock all the way in me. I was in heaven. He started going faster
and  pushing harder. At the rate he was going it wasn't going to take me
long to  shoot my load.

 "Oh yeah! Steve, fuck me! Come on man, fuck me hard... show me how much
you like fucking my ass. Bang me good, Studly." He started biting my neck and
shoulder a little bit, and  whispering that he loved me and wanted me to
cum when he said the word, but not before that. I was holding on to him so
hard  wanting to cum and trying to hold out for him.

 "You want to?"

 "YES!"

 "You want to give it to me?"

 "YES."

 "CUM MICHAEL, CUM!!!" I exploded all over in between us! I thought I  wasn
't going to stop cumming. I felt drenched with semen.  I began to  whisper
in his ear like he had done to me.

 "Come on Baby! Give it up for me... empty your load in me. I want it  all
every ounce you can give me., Come on, big boy! Give me what I want! Fuck me
hard, Steve! Come on, FUCK ME HARD! He was really beginning to bang into
me, and  I could feel his muscles begin to tense up, so I knew he was getting
closer, and  his breath was getting ragged. I reached around to his ass and
just shoved about  an inch of my finger into his ass. It sent him over the
edge and he exploded. I  felt like a pot of boiling waster was just dumped in
my ass. He held perfectly  still and I just held him the way he was. He
finally let off some of the  pressure off of his arms and just laid down on top
of me.

 "I don't want to move, Babe! I just want to hold you like this for  the
next hour."

 "My knees won't last an hour! By then, we'll be calling the  paramedics
to extricate me from this position. They'll need a crane to pick me  up."

 "No they won't and don't say that, Babe it's not true! I wish you  wouldn
't put yourself down like that. So knock it off! For me, please.?"

  We both slowly moved off and away from each other and headed for the
shower. We both wanted to wash off our round of sex and feel a little refreshed
 before we crawled into bed for the night. It was quick, but before we
crawled  in, I had to grab my pills for my head. I was getting one of those
headaches  again and I just didn't want to tell Steve. That, and I was losing a
little  balance every now and then, which really could have nothing to do
with the  cancer coming back. We crawled in to bed together and I curled up in
his arm  with my head on his chest and a bout two seconds later, I was
asleep. Sometime  during the night I woke up and needed something cold to drink.
I headed  downstairs after throwing on my sweats. The light was still on
and so was the  television. Randy was still awake. I wondered sheepishly if he
had heard us.  I  was hoping that the volume on the TV set had been loud
enough.

 "Having trouble getting to sleep Randy or just thinking things  out?"

 "Maybe both Mike. The biggest thing is... how am I going to tell my
mother? I'm not sure how she's going to take it."

 "She seemed to do pretty good with Steve and I in the hospital. I  don't
believe for a minute she'd turn her back on you, not after the way she
treated us."

 "But that was you guys, not her son."

 "What if Steve and I were there to be your back up and support? I'll
tell you this, Steve kept telling me that his parents would be okay, and I kept
 doubting him. When the time came, he held my hand and just out and out
told them  how he felt about me and this is the way it was going to be. To my
surprise,  they welcomed me with open arms and I realized he had been right. I
'm willing to  bet your mother will be just as accepting as his parents
were. Worse case  scenario? You'll have to live with us or I know someone I'll
hook you up with."  I don't know why I thought of Charlie at that
particular moment, but he came to  mind. That would be a hell of a pair! One who
hates himself for being gay, and  one who is totally comfortable with himself.
Maybe it would be just what the  doctor ordered, if Charlie went along with
the idea. Randy just sat there  looking at the floor and his boots.


"Why don't we all go to work tomorrow? We'll meet back here,  then, go to
your mother's and if you want, I'll help you tell her. Randy, just  realize
that we'll help you one step at a time. If you need clothes for work I
think between the two of us we'll find something for you."

 "Why are you being so nice, Mike? I don't deserve this... I really  don't."

 "Because you came here for help. For whatever reasons, you came  here."

 "Mike, the only reason I came here was because I knew the guys would
never think of looking for me here. I didn't come here for help. I came here to
hide.

 And guess what Randy? You came to a place that will help you, whether  you
think so or not. You want help and Steve and I are going to be the ones to
help you. Tomorrow after work, we're going to go to your house and either
you'll  tell your mother or I'll tell  her. I'm going to get a drink, come
with me  and I'm going to. We just have to take it one step at a time. Now, I'
m going to  get a drink, come with me and I'm going to pour you a strong
shot and that'll  help you sleep."

 "You sound so sure about all of this, Mike."

 "All I can tell you, Randy, is that I had someone who stood behind me  and
helped me believe that it was all going to be all right and he was right,
for the most part. Not everyone went along with what we told them but more
of  them did, and a few have come around a little more. They aren't the way
the used  to be, but they are trying to comprehend and understand how they
really feel  about now that it has a direct impact on their lives. You just
have to trust me  a little, Randy. That's all. Just let me help you, guide you
into this with some  people. Nothing major and certainly, not the world." I
poured Randy a double  shot of ouzo and I had the same. He was the one that
made an attempt at a  toast.

 "Here's to believing and pieces falling into place."

 "Perfect, Randy! That's the spirit, bottoms up! Both of our faces  turned
red as the ouzo hit our system.

 "Yeah man! That's good, come on, Randy!" He chugged it down and his  face
turned just as red as it had before.

 "Okay, let's hit the stairs and crash with a good nights sleep.  You'll
feel ten times better and we'll tackle this in the morning. Now, promise  me,
you won't worry anymore about this, ok? and Steve and I will stand behind
you tomorrow one hundred percent."

 "I can't promise anything yet. Maybe in the morning, I'll be able to
promise but not now. I guess I'm still too afraid of all this, Mike. And, I  don
't know if I can like being like you and Steve and be happy."

 "You don't have to be like Steve and I to begin with, maybe you're  the
type of guy that likes to play the field and don't want to be tied into a
relationship. There are a lot of people out there like that, both men and
women.  Just give it time. This is all new to you and you just need time to
adjust and  decide which way you're going with you life. Now what time to you
want to get up  in the morning?"

 "Seven will be fine. That will give me plenty of time to get ready.  I'll
just need a t-shirt that you won't mind losing. I work as a mechanic and my
 t-shirts tend to get greasy and I can wear these pants to work. The boss
won't  say anything about the way I look. As long as I'm there, he's happy.

 "That won't be a problem Randy, I'm sure we have a shirt we can
sacrifice for the cause. We'll see you in the morning man."

 Steve and I were up at six, as it was our habit to get up, shower and
dress and still have time in the morning to sit and have coffee together before
 we headed off to work. I told Steve what Randy and I had talked about last
 night, and while sitting there, I realized that it was time to get him up.
I  asked Steve to run upstairs and bang on the door to wake up Randy while
I  cleaned up the kitchen.

 "Why don't you get him up? You're the one that wants to help that  SOB."

 "Stephen, don't bother with that, please just wake him up. I assured  him
that both you and I would help him with this, so go on and show him that we
 are in this together with him. Please, Steve? Do this for me?" I pointed
at the  upstairs and motioned him to go. He did but I could tell he still wasn
't happy  having to deal with him.

 "HEY RANDY! Knock, Knock! Come on! We need to get moving! Mike and I  need
to leave soon and if you want a shower before we go, you're going to have
to hustle."

 I was still making something for us to eat for later but I could tell
Steve was getting impatient he was pacing around on the landing.

 BANG! BANG! He hit the door again a little harder than the first  time.

 "Either he's a hard sleeper or he split in the middle of the night.  You
think I should just go in and check it out?" I could hear the aggravation in
 his voice coming out.

 "No, come on you finish breakfast for us and I'll get him up." He
practically flew down the stairs and into the kitchen. I smacked him on his ass
as I passed him and he laughed just as I did. I got to the landing and
listened  for a few seconds to see if I could hear him moving yet. I didn't... so I
knocked  a few more times on the door frame a little harder this time.

 "Hey, Randy! Come on! Breakfast is being made and we have to leave  before
too long. And, you can't stay here all day! I'm sorry, but you've got to
go to work." I listened with my ear to the door and I couldn't hear
anything. I  began to think he's probably left in the middle of the night. I knew
he felt bad  last night. I figured I might as well just walk in and find an
empty bedroom  because obviously, he wasn't here. He had snuck out last
night, unable  to  handle everything that was going on. Hell, in his place, I
might have done the  same thing. I opened the door slowly just in case I was
wrong, I could see him  lying on the bed. His legs were covered but as I got
closer, I could see the  blood on the sheets.

 "STEPHEN ALAN! NOW! HERE NOW!" I was screaming at the top of my  lungs. I
heard him bounding up the stairs. I was still standing there, holding  onto
the doorknob. Randy was laid out with his hands on both sides of the bed
and the sheets were blood soaked, as was the rug underneath where his wrists
were hanging. His face was up and his eyes were wide open. I felt Steve
take my  hand and tell me to come with him. It took him a few minutes to get me
to let go  of the doorknob. Calmly and slowly, he talked to me.

 "Come on Mike. We need to leave this the way it is, and call Bob.  He'll
know who to call and what to do. Come with me downstairs so we can call. I
have to call the ambulance first. Come on, let's go... maybe he's not dead
yet."

  But I knew he was I could tell by the look on his face.

 "NOW, Michael! Come one with me." I was numb and he just pulled me  down
the stairs and into the kitchen. Why I'm not sure, but I emptied the coffee
pot and made another full pot. Steve was on the phone talking to someone. I
 heard him say not to touch anything or do anything until the cops and
ambulance  showed up. It seemed like he was still on the phone when I heard the
sounds of  sirens in the background and they were getting louder. Steve let
the paramedics  in and told them where to go. The next one through the door
was Bob. He wanted  to know what happened from the minute Randy showed up
last night until this  morning when we tried to wake him up. He wanted the
details, no matter how small  or unimportant they might seem to us.

 When Bob came in the door, he gave me a hug it was so unlike Bob to  show
that kind of emotion in front of his colleagues. Maybe he was more
accepting of us being gay than I thought. At the moment, it made me feel a  little
bit better.

 It felt like we sat there for hours, Bob would question one of us  while
another guy would question the other. This went back and forth and back  and
forth. I was beginning to think it was never going to end. But, at least, I
was glad that it was Bob here to help handle all of this. I realized his
boss  was here too, but I had more contact with Bob than his boss. By the time
the  medical examiner had shown up and did all that he had to do, it was
almost one  o'clock in the afternoon. But, at least, they finally removed Randy
's body. I  don't know who or when they notified his mother, but I didn't
see her come in,  here and I just couldn't ask. We still had a few cops show
up, asking the same  questions the others had asked, but I kept telling
myself that they're just  doing their jobs but I really just wanted them to
shut up after a while. I  didn't know what to tell them... he didn't really
seemed that depressed last  night.

 I knew he was struggling with his sexual identity, but beyond that, I  didn
't know what else to tell them. I was naïve. I guessed that things looked
good and he had a good future, at least through my eyes. Boy, was I wrong! I
had  told him to get me up if he even if he just wanted to talk for a few
minutes. I  just couldn't comprehend why he chose to end his life... I just
didn't understand  it. Maybe it wasn't just the gay thing that pushed him
over the edge. Perhaps,  he had other problems that we just didn't know about,
who knows? Bob, Steve and  I sat down in the kitchen. By now, we were the
only ones left in the  house.

 "You want something to eat, Bob? You've been at it all morning since  you'
ve been here. Maybe some coffee, some breakfast or a sandwich? What would
you like? Let me do something for you."

 "Ok, coffee would be good to begin with I've only had one cold cup  all
day. And a sandwich. The one you make which I like so much that would be
good, as long as it's not too much trouble?"

 "None at all, Bob. Are you off work now or do you still have to go in  and
keep dealing with this?"

 "No, I'm done for the day, I'll be going back in at midnight tonight,  so
the boss told me to knock off now, and go home and relax. I can relax here
just as much as I can at home. To be honest, I can always relax more here
with  you two. You guys are always so laid back. I want to tell you that when
that  call came out on the radio this morning and your address popped up
and the word  death was used, it didn't give me a very good feeling all the
way over here. My  heart was in my stomach. All that I could think of was, it
was you Mike." I  could see Bob getting watery eyes, I jumped up, and hugged
him and said in as  much as a jovial voice as I could,

 "I'm alive and kicking, giving Steve a lot of agita, and I'm planning  on
doing a lot more of all three!"

 "You don't know how glad I was to see that it wasn't you when I got
here! Not that I'm happy that kid did this to himself. I've sent a cleaning
crew  over to clean up that room because you'll never have the stuff you need
to get  all that blood mess up, but you might have lost a mattress and box
spring. And,  I suggest you just throw out the sheets. I don't think the
blanket got anything  on it."

 "Did you know anything about this guy, Bob? Any history with the  cops?
Any problems with the law, I mean out of the ordinary?"

 "He was a small time thug. Nothing major, he liked to play the bad  ass,
all the time. We didn't know he was gay until you told us what you two knew
about him and why he came here last night."

 "Before we went to bed, Bob, I told him that if he needed me for
anything, just to wake me up and I'd be willing to sit and talk with him about
anything. All he had to do was...  wake me up. I even told him that I didn't
care what time it was or how long we talked. I just don't understand why he
chose this way out. Bob, it just freaks me the fuck out."

 "It freaks everyone, out Mike. There's no way around it. And, you  can't
blame your self because I think he came here knowing what he was going to
do. I'm pretty sure he had his mind made up before he went to bed last night.
I  think a lot of it had to do with his friends and how they reacted to
him. They  totally rejected him and he just couldn't see handling it, now or at
any time in  the future. Maybe this will put you at ease. I have a copy of
the note he left.  I wrote it down before they took it to the lab. Are you
sure you want to hear  this?"

 "Yes, I am."

"Mike,  I'm sorry for all the  things I ever did to you. You never
deserved any of it. I hated myself and never  wanted to be gay, but no matter what
I did or tried to do, I couldn't make those  feelings go away. I hurt so
many people because I hated myself. And, I hated  what I did to each and every
one of them. Don't blame Steve, Mike. I did  everything that  I could think
of to seduce him, when he was hurting while  you were in the hospital. Tell
my mom I'm sorry, Mike  I'm sure she'll be  ashamed of me, but maybe, just
maybe you can make her understand why I did  this.
Randy Trent Crawford


"We still need to have this analyzed to make sure it's his  handwriting,
but from the look of things I'm pretty sure he wrote this  himself."

 "Bob, how are you going to tell his mother this?"

 "You don't have to, but I was going to ask if you wanted to go along
with me, Mike. I've done this with three sets of parents and it's never easy,
It  is not within the departments protocol to bring you along, but I know
that you  knew his mother breaking the news to her might come better from you
than someone  she doesn't know."

 "All right, Bob, I'll go along. She was so nice to Steve and I at the
hospital. I can't believe that she never made comments at home  that if any
of her children were gay, it would be okay. But, then again, I guess some
parents think it's not going to happen to any of their kids either. I think
that  this is really going to break her heart. I mean, she accepted Steve and
I  without even blinking an eye. I know... I just know she would have accepted
Randy.  It would have made such a difference in his life. I'm really sure
of  that."

 "You want me to go with you Babe?"

 "Yes, please. I think Donna is going to need us more than anything. I
just hope she's at home. I don't want to find her at work. What time is it
anyway?"

 "2:35."

 "Let's wait a few minutes before we head out. Maybe, she'll be out of
work by the time we get over there." The three of us sat there and just made
small talk about life in general, but we were avoiding the obvious topic at
the  moment. I just kept going back over in my head as to how I was going to
tell  her. Randy left his watch by the side of the bed, a gold chain and
his class  ring. The gold chain wasn't really a chain... it was more of an id
bracelet, but I  never remembered seeing him wear it. I looked at it, and on
the inside, all it  said was ILY ALWAYS SAM.  The other side had his name on
it. Maybe Sam was  a sister or Aunt or family member. It took me a minute
to realize that ILY meant  I love you but who was Sam? And, was it a man or a
woman? Maybe his mother knew  who Sam was? I got up and we went out to the
car to do what had to be done.  Thank God Steve and Bob were going to be
there with me, and I was glad that Bob  was in plain clothes. At least, it
wouldn't look too bad the first minute she  opened the door, who was I kidding?
Even without his uniform, on Bob looked like  a cop.

 I knocked on the door and Donna answered the door with a big smile on  her
face.

 "How's my favorite patient? And, Steve how are you?"

 `Donna, this is Bob and he's a friend of ours. I  hope you don't  mind
that we just dropped in." Donna told us that Randy wasn't home, but that  he'
d be home from work in about two hours. Thankfully she invited us into the
living room since she wanted to talk to me about how I had been doing since
being released from the hospital. I made a point of sitting next to her
when she  sat down on the couch.

 "So, tell me, Mike, how's the cancer going? Are you still winning?  You
certainly look like you're winning. You look good. And, you hair is growing
back in real well. At least, it has some length to it again."

  I wasn't sure if I detected a nervousness in her or was it me? But,  I
had to do this and I couldn't put it off. I reached into my shirt pocket and
held his jewelry in my hand.

 "Donna, I have something to give you, and I wish I didn't have it in  my
hands." I took her hand and gently dropped all the pieces into hers. She
never even looked at what I gave her. She knew what it was. I watched the
tears  start to fall down her face and I just held onto her hands. I didn't want
to let  go. Then, the slow trickle of  tears soon gave way to bodily
wracking sobs.  I held her in my arms the best I could. She and I sat there for at
least ten to  fifteen minutes just holding onto each other and feeling each
other's body  quiver. She finally began to quiet down and looked at me with
eyes that seemed  so empty now. I knew what she was going to ask, and I had
no idea how to say  this gently.

 "How did it happen Mike? Will you tell me that much? And, please, be
honest with me whatever the answer is, I want to know. I have a feeling I know
how, but I just want you to confirm it." She kept looking at me and I just
couldn't say anything to her. There's a saying in life that it's not what
you  say that people hear it's what you don't say that they hear the
loudest. By not  telling her how he had died, she drew her own conclusions. Donna
just completely  crumpled in my arms and kept asking me why, why, why would
he do that,

 "Donna, Randy was so unhappy with himself and I guess with his life.  This
was is so hard for me to try and to explain this to. But, he slit his
wrists after we went to bed last night. Neither Steve nor I even had the time to
 help him or to try to save him. I wish we would have. Believe me, I wish
there  was something I could have done  to stop him or at least to save him.

 "Do you know why he did it? Did he leave a note? I could see the hope  in
her eyes that maybe there was an answer, if there was a note. "Whatever it
is. Please, tell me."

 "Donna, Randy was gay and he was ashamed of that fact. He hated  himself
so much for being that way. He came to Steve and I because his friends  found
out, and they beat him up because of it. He didn't know how to tell you.
He thought you would hate him, and  he was afraid of being rejected. By you
and by all his friends. Steve and I had only talked to him for a little bit
the  night before he... I really thought he was okay when he went to bed. We
had even  talked about getting up in the morning and picking out clothes for
him to wear  for his job, so I never expected what he did. I just didn't
think he had suicide  on his mind when we went to bed, Donna. Honestly I
thought he was okay."

   I felt so bad for her and had no idea what else to say to her.  I wanted
to leave in the worst way. I was just beginning to feel so guilty about
the whole thing and I wasn't even sure why I was feeling guilty. Donna was the
 one that finally broke the uneasy silence.

 "I had a feeling he was gay. I just thought that he'd come to me when  he
was ready. I didn't want to push him and make him feel uncomfortable.
Maybe,  I shouldn't haven't waited. Maybe, I should have pushed him and told him
that it  was okay without saying I knew. And, I saw you two together and I
thought maybe  he just needed to find the right person like you two had. I
told him you were in  the hospital because I thought you two went to school
together, but he said he  never knew you."

 I thought back to his visit to my room and what he had said. He was  lying
then too. I knew then for sure that his intentions were to screw things up
between Steve and me. I knew then that Steve really had been set up by
Randy. I  was going to have to remember to thank him later and tell him I
realized how low  Randy had gone to destroy us.  Steve never stood a chance... he
was too  trusting sometimes. Randy knew enough about me and my situation to
play on   Steve's emotions... he never had a snowballs chance in hell. As bad
as I felt for  Donna, I wanted to leave this house and the sooner the better.
I got up and  started with excuses.

 "Donna, I'm sorry to have to leave you right now, but there's still  some
stuff to do at the police station. Bob needs us to fill out some paperwork
regarding all of this."

 There was a look of surprise on Bob's face, to say the least. But, he  was
a trooper and went along with it. We gave her our condolences again and I
assured her I would be at the funeral I gave her our \phone number and told
her  if she needed help with anything, not to hesitate to call, and I'd be
happy to  help her out if I could.

 I was glad to get out of the house and I had to hold onto Steve when  we
got in the car.

 "You okay, Babe? Your legs are a little wobbly?"

 "I'm sorry I just had to get out of there. I realized some things  about
Randy and how he operated, and I just couldn't stay there anymore feeling
sorry for Donna. The paperwork was the only excuse I could think of to get us
 out of here..."

 "I appreciate that, Mike. I wanted to get out just as bad as you  two."

 Going back to the house was strange to say the least and sitting  there
and talking some more, Steve and I realized that we wouldn't renew the  lease
on the townhouse and that the next place was going to be strictly between
him and I, It's funny how things can be determined in a short time without
saying anything about it. We both just knew it. We discussed a two bedroom
apartment because we just weren't ready for another townhouse. It would be
way  too big for the two of us anyway. And, we both decided we didn't want to
buy  because we knew we weren't ready for ownership and all that went with
it. Maybe  another year or two down the road, but not before then. Besides,
if we bought a  house now, we'd be living on milk crate furniture. And I
definitely wasn't doing  that for anyone. And, finally, the subject of the
ceremony came up. "

 I thought you wanted to write your own words and I was going to do  the
same for the ceremony? And  that would be it. Have you changed your  mind or
is there something else you'd like to do instead? Or maybe you thought  of
something else, so you've changed your mind about this? And, there's no way  I
'm doing it naked, Michael. Absolutely no way."

 "Damn, Laura and your mother thought it was a good idea!"

 "Liar, my mother would have hit the both of you the minute you said
anything like that. Stop talking about hitting... that's giving me some really
kinking ideas."

 "As if I'd suggest that one! That, would be you wanting to be naked!  You
have the  body, I don't , remember?"

 "If you don't stop putting yourself down like that, so help me I'll
smack you silly, Michael!"

 "Oh, I like that slapping part."

 "You're a pig, Michael, pure and simple. You're also big liar."

 I had no idea of what he was talking about. "What's that supposed to
mean?"

It means you're a sexual pervert."

 I still had no idea as to what he was talking about. I was getting a
little pissed and frustrated because he wasn't giving me a straight  answer.

 "I have no idea what you're talking about Steve, are you fucking with  me
or what? Whatever you're up to, knock it off." I was getting mad and wasn'
t  sure why so I got up to  go into the kitchen. I figured I'd make dinner
for  us. I was having a problem getting up. Every time I tried to get up, my
legs  gave out and I'd end up sitting back down right away. I was finally
able to get  up and make it to the kitchen. Steve followed.

 "What do you want for supper, Steve?"

 "Not sure yet, are you okay Mike?"

 "I'm fine. Why do I look sick or something?"

 "Well, no, but you just went from talking about our ceremony and what  we
might want to do. Then, I call you a pig and you act like you have no idea
what I'm talking about. On top of those two things you try to get up off the
 couch and you seem to have a problem doing that.  And, now, you're out
here  making supper and it's too early to eat supper. So, what the hell are you
doing?  Maybe we should go to Ron's and have a drink? What do you think
about that? You  got to admit it's been a bad day, so, how about Ron's?

 I didn't know what to think I couldn't comprehend everything he had  just
said I just stared at him with a blank look on my face.

 "Mike, are you all right? Maybe we should call Dr. Grisales? What do  you
think?"

 "Why should we call him? I feel okay. I'm not feeling sick or  anything.
So, I don't think that's the problem."

 My mind drifted for a for a minute or two, but I couldn't get back to
what we were talking about.

 "Say that again, Steve." He looked at me and I could see the worry in
his face.

 "Sit down, Mike! I'm calling Dr. Grisales."

 I sat there and listened to him talk to the nurse and relay what was
going on to her. They talked for a few more minutes and he hung up.

 "Come on, Babe. The doctor wants to see you right away. He just wants  to
check you out and make sure you're okay. I'm not going to lie to you, Mike,
 but you're having some of the symptoms of the tumor coming back. We've
got to go  and get an MRI done. Come on, Babe, I'll take you and stay with you
until we get  the results of the test back, okay?"

 I sat there and let in sink in. That was it. The cancer was back and  if
it was, I was done and I wouldn't live the year I couldn't help but start to
 cry. Steve pulled me up off the chair and held me in his arms. He just
kept  holding on to me, rubbing my back and whispering in my ear that
everything was  going to be all right. He told me that he loved me and we had a
ceremony to  plan.

 The drive to the hospital was quiet and it seemed to take forever.  The
closer we got, the more I wanted to turn and go back home. I didn't want to
hear this. I knew what he was going to say. I began to piece together little
things that had been going on in the past couple of weeks. There had been
signs...  I just wasn't sure if I just didn't want to accept them or if I was
just passing  it off as just a fluke or just feeling a little weird. It was
nothing serious,  right? Maybe the truth was that I really didn't want to
believe that it could or  would come back. I had been feeling so invincible
after the last visit with the  Doctor. Now, I was feeling like my
invincibility was shot all to hell. If this  is back, they're going to have to give me a
lot of drugs to sedate me or I'll  find a way, to before it ends me. I don'
t want to die in a slow painful drug  filled delirious state. I want to end
it my way, and I don't want to see Steve  have to go through that. The
tears started again.

 "Babe, come on, don't. We don't know anything yet, for sure. You  don't
know if it's come back or maybe it's something else. Maybe it's just the
stress lately. Have you been taking your pills lately? And I mean everyday,
all  day like your supposed to?"

 I didn't have to think about that too long. I had missed taking my  pills
for the stress, not completely, but I knew I wasn't supposed to miss  taking
any of them. Meekly, I answered. "I think so."

 "What's that mean, you think so? Michael have you or have you not  missed
taking those pills?"

 He wasn't mad, but he wasn't happy with me. and I knew when I told  him
that I had missed some that he was going to want to know how many times and
which ones I missed. He was like my father in that regard.

 "Just some Steve, not that.."

 "Some? How many is some, Michael? You might as well tell me now  because
Dr. Grisales is going to want to know. You can be sure, I'm going to  tell
him you've missed taking them."

 "Come on, Steve! Don't do that. There were just a few days when I  wasn't
taking them all day. I know I've taken at least three-quarters."

 "Three-quarters, is that all? Michael, the last thing your body needs  is
stress right now. I guess when we get back home, I'll be dispensing your
meds. I'm going to be your nurse and make sure you're taking anything and
everything you should. I should have been doing this from the start, and we
wouldn't be having this problem right now. You know you take good care of me,
 but you have to take care of yourself too. Otherwise, I'm not going to
have you  around to take care of me like  you like to seem to do. I don't
believe  you, Michael Wayne! I could kick your ass for this."

 He was mad at me and I knew he had every right and I had no room to  argue
with him. "All right, all right you can give my drugs. I didn't mean to... I
 would just forget sometimes, that's all."

 "No, you didn't forget. Forgetting is missing one here or there, but  not
a whole day. You were supposed to be taking four of them a day, Babe. He
gave them to you them for a reason. You don't need any stress in your life.
And  now that I think of it, this makes sense. This all came about because of
that  fucking Randy. You've had no problems until he came into our lives
that day. You  had no problems until he came the other day and then, he slits
his wrist. How  much more stress could be in you life?"

 I couldn't tell him that I had noticed a few little things right now.  He'
d really pop a cork, especially since I hadn't said anything when it
happened. But, they were really just little, nothing things. There were just
nothing and I didn't want to make a mountain out of a mole hill, at this point.
 Or, maybe I was just denying it because I didn't want to know the truth. I
just  kept looking out the window, trying to avoid to avoid his eyes.

 "You haven't told me every thing, have you Babe?" He was being kind  and
not mad at the moment, but I was a afraid to tell him the way the that
things had been really going, so, I didn't say anything.

 "Babe."

  "Yeah?"

 "Were you afraid to tell me what's really going on with you?" He  reached
over and once again took my hand in his and brought it up to his mouth  and
kissed it."

 "It's all right, Mike, it's all right. I can completely understand.  You
want to tell me now or wait and just tell it to Dr Grisales when we see  him?
"

 "I'm sorry I didn't mean to not say anything, Steve. I just didn't  want
to talk..." And I started with the water works again.

 "It's all right, Mike. Come on and sit next to me until we get there.  I
promise no more talking."

 I slid across to him and just rested my head on his shoulder, and we  rode
the last ten minutes in silence. He pulled up to the front door and told me
 to go to MRI Department and he'd be up as soon as he parked the car. The
one  good thing was Dr. Grisales had set me up to get a small sedative before
going  through my test. This was one time I was happy, even if it meant
getting an IV.  I really hate getting an IV more than anything. The people who
say they'd rather  get an  IV than a regular blood test, must wake up
demented somehow. Steve  was there right before I went in for my test and he
assured me he'd be waiting.  So began my forty-five minute period of stressful
waiting. I should say my hour  and a half wait. I was counting on Dr. Grisales
not making me wait. Laying there  those forty-five minutes gives you a lot
of time to think. My emotional state  went from one end of the spectrum to
the other. I'm happy one second, and crying  the next and angry the next
time. I was glad when they started to pull me out.  They had let Steve come in
once it was okay for him to be there. I sat up and  hugged him, I really didn'
t care who was there to see.

 "Come on, buddy, let's get you dressed and out of this stupid johnny,
even though it really does give me ideas.  GGGRRR..." I dropped my voice as
low as I could.

 "Stop it! They can hear you in the other room, dummy."

 "No, they can't." And then he could hear them laughing in the other  room.

 "Oh yes, we can!" Steve turned about two hundred shades of red, and  all
I could do was laugh at him."

 "That'll teach you, wiseass!"

 "Yeah, whatever, hurry up! Let's get out of here. I'm dying of
embarrassment right now."  All I could do was keep laughing at him. The  girls in the
other room were laughing just as hard as I was. We finally got me  all
together and we walked out.

 "We'll see you two in the next months, ladies!" I couldn't help but
reminding him we'd have to come back there again. At least I hoped so.

 "I won't becoming, I'll wait out in the hallway for the next time,
Michael."

 "What and make me go through that all by myself? You wouldn't make me  do
that  would you?" I gave him a look of pleading and pity trying to guilt
him into saying okay.

 "All right, but I'm not going into that one room again, Mike."

 "Got caught didn't ya? I couldn't help but laugh at him.

 "Shut up."

 "We have a few minutes to kill before the doctor's office and hell  no,
to any "feeling all sexual inside" or "giddy" or anything else of that
nature.. If you like, we could stop and get a coffee or something to  drink."

 "Umph! I have something you could drink."

 "You never stop, do you? I swear the day you die and go to heaven, if  that
's where you're going, you're going to ask the man upstairs about what you
 to do when you pop a hard on?"

 "That's unfair and not true! I'll probably ask him which cloud has  the
best S & M Bar?!" We were both laughing

  "I don't believe you, you're such a pig. Don't even try and deny  it."
At least he had me laughing and not thinking about where we were headed. It
didn't take us as long as we thought to get to the doctor's office. We got
to  the door and I stopped I didn't want to go in this time. I knew in my
heart what  it all meant. Who was I trying to kid?

 "Come on Mike I'll be right with you and I won't let go, I promise  you
that."

 "It's not going to be good this time, Steve. It's back... I know it is,  it
's back I can feel it this time."

 You can't feel cancer, not until the very end anyway. That's why they
call it the "silent killer," because you don't feel it. Now let's do this
and  get it over with, okay?"

 He took me by the hand and we walked into the waiting room. The nurse  at
the desk motioned for us to come right back. We didn't have to wait? There
were more clients than usual. This couldn't be a good sign.

 Dr. Grisales was already sitting at his desk and my MIR films were up  on
the boards, although the lights weren't on, so I couldn't see anything.

 "How are you holding up, Mike? Feeling any better since you got your
juice before you got into the Tube?"

 "Yeah I'm alright actually, feel better than I thought I'd be, to be
honest with you."

 "I had them give you a little extra Xanax to help you stay calm. So  you'
ll be a little more calm when you got here."

 "In that case, it's working Doc."

 "I'm not going to beat around the bush or lie to you. We found  something
about the size of a small pea, Mike." He got up to turn on the lights  to
show us what he was talking about. I was doing okay until I actually saw it I
 slumped forward and passed out. Steve caught me before I hit the floor. I
was  sitting on the floor with Steve holding me when I came to a few seconds
later.

 "Sorry about that I really thought I'd hold up better than I did.
Forgive me, you two."

 "Completely understandable." was Dr. Grisales comment.

 "You okay, now?" Steve was sitting on the floor with me and my back  was
leaning against his chest.

 "Yeah, I can get up now. Let's see how bad it really is. Show me what  or
how big the pea in my brain is. Hey, you can call me pea brain now!" I was
trying to make light of the situation, but it didn't work. I knew
immediately  what he was talking about when I looked at the film. Over the previous
months,  it hadn't taken me long to read the results, basically I just knew
where to look  on the film.

 "More surgery, more chemo, more radiation which is left Doc? Or is it  all
three again? With my luck lately I'm sure it's all three and I have a
feeling the team has already been called to assemble. So, when is surgery, Dr.
Grisales?"

 "Why don't you two sit down. There are some things we need to talk  about
before moving forward with anything. First of all the fact that it
returned is a very bad sign. We could do it all over again, the same as before,
but the chances of survival are less than before, Mike."

 "Wow! That's like one or two percent"  I just felt like I got  kicked in
the gut and the balls at the same time. I felt like I couldn't even  breath.
I looked at Steve and took hold of his hand I truly didn't know what to
do. I didn't know what to ask or if I even should ask. Dr. Grisales stood up
and  headed to his door.

 "I'm going to grab a bit to eat. It'll give you two sometime to talk
this over and think about what course of action you want to take. There's a
needle on my desk with a mild sedative in it. Your IV is still in, so just use
 that to inject it, if you need to. You know, it might be a good idea to do
that  before you talk. You want me to do it for you?"

 "Sure I think you might be right." He emptied the syringe and he left
the room, just saying he would be back in about twenty minutes, maybe ten. I
just sat there and looked at Steve I was at a loss for words. The minutes
passed, and we just spent it looking at each other, not saying anything. Just
 looking. I had to break the silence.

 "I didn't ask him how much time I might have left if I did  nothing."

 "Is that what you want to do, just give up? You don't want to fight
this, one more  time? What if you win this round? I know the odds are  stacked
against you and the chances of beating it are about nil, but if you  don't
give it one more try, then you're just signing your death certificate.  And,
if you are doing that, what is the question?  I asked you to share the  rest
of my life with you, you're reneging on your end of that proposal and I'll
be damned if I'll let you lie here and sign off on that! Not now... not
ever! I  will not let you do that, Michael Wayne Mathews. You're going to go
through the  operation, chemo and radiation, if you have to go to that stage.
But, I think  surgery will take it all and the chemo will finish it off. I'm
begging you to do  this for me, Mike I want you in my life. If you just give
up, there's no chance,  but if you fight it like before, then maybe... just
maybe, we'll win and have a  life to live. None of us want you gone, Mike,
me especially calling it being  selfish, I don't care. But, I can name a lot
of people who wouldn't want you  gone either." At least, at this point, he
had me laughing, which was a good  thing.

 "All right Steve, all right, you win I'll give it one more round to  the
best of my ability. Just for you and me, I'll try and fight this to the best
 of my ability, balls to the walls and hell bent for election.. But I'll be
 honest if at anytime during this process it comes back there won't be
anymore  fighting! Got it, big boy?"

 "Yeah, I got it, but we'll cross that bridge, if we get to it. So,  make
this last one the one that does it, promise me that! I'm going to tell the
nurse to page him, so he can get the team together." He walked out of the
doctor's office and left me alone. I wasn't so sure I was going to make it
this  time. I just had a bad feeling about this one. Steve came back into the
office  half running.

 "Dr. Grisales has everyone on stand by. They'll do your surgery  tonight,
making sure to get at it as quickly as possible. They'll put another  chemo
pill in that pea brain of yours, but this one will be double the strength
than the first, and in all probabilities, will make you  that much sicker.
But, Dr. Grisales said that we'll deal with it differently this time. They'
ll  start giving you stuff as soon as surgery is over so when you do start
getting  sick from the chemo, hopefully, it won't be as bad. Just let the
Doctor know the  minute you're feeling sick."

 "Tonight, huh? They aren't wasting anytime. Did he tell you what time
surgery is?"

 "He told me to not let you eat or drink anything and you haven't  really
eaten anything most of the day. So, probably in an hour or two. They want
you in pre op in forty-five minutes and the nurses will let me stay till you'
re  comfortable and a little more sedated than you are now. So, let's go
down to pre  op and maybe they can get you set up and feeling less worried."

 "You mean drugged up, don't you?"

 "That's one way to put it, but not everyone looks at it that way,  smart
ass!"

 "Come on! Let's get me some high end cocktails."

 "Yeah, real high end!

 We walked to pre op holding hands, and I didn't give a fuck who  looked,
who pointed or who whispered the word queers or faggots. I was holding  on to
the man I loved and the rest of the world could kiss my ass. As we got
into the elevator, an elderly couple got on. They were about the same age as my
 parents age and obviously disgusted by our holding each other hands. I
couldn't  stand the sight of them. Then, loud enough to be heard by everyone
else in the  elevator.

 "Steve?"

 "Yeah Mike?"

 "I just want to know I do love you, and I do want  to spend the  rest of
my life with you. I want to get married right after the surgery, here in  the
hospital. Make it that much more special. Will you? Come on, please, say
yes."

 "I love you too Babe." And with that said, I threw my arms around him
and probed his mouth with my tongue. When I stopped  kissing him, I leaned
towards the couple and told them. "He gives the best kisses in the world and
our  sex life is even better!" He turned about twenty shades of red. The
gentleman  immediately pressed a button to get the elevator stopped, so they
could get out.  There was nothing they could. say I had left them speechless.
Steve and I were  in hysterics as the doors closed.

 "Never in my life would I ever think of doing what you just did,  Michael
Wayne! Don`t you ever have to have the balls to say anything about what  I`
ve said or will say in public places.  The look on their faces was
priceless, to say the least. I`ll never forget  that moment in my life for  as long
as I live."

 As Steve pushed me down the hallway, we were still chuckling when we  got
to pre op. All Steve could say was, "Never in my life would I ever think of
doing what you just did, Michael Wayne!" I will never forget the look on
their  faces! I'll never ever forget that look. You and I will never forget
this moment  in our lives, ever.

The nurses were ready for me when I got  there. They got me stripped down
and into my johnny in no time of course.

 "Want to shave his head again?"  Of course, Steve wanted to help  shave
it off! He wanted some for himself. He was having a good time shaving my
head, and the nurses were right behind him making sure he shaved it all off.

 "I'll need something soon to calm me down and go call my parents  before
it gets to late. Steve, get me a hat, ok? Something bright and loud and
shocking for after the surgery. I don't want to look like that again and you
know it. Make sure it,s something that'll hide the white turban... I hate that
 look the most. I feel like a cancer patient with that one on."

 "How about a big a big funky ski hat? Maybe something with bright  neon
colors on it."

 "Don't get carried away, Steve! Tell them to slip me something good...  I'
m getting to nerved up. And, you better go call my parents and yours as they
 might want to come up this time, Steve. If they do, let them up. It'll
give me  another reason to wake up after surgery. Don't take that the wrong
way, you know  what I mean."

 "I know what you mean. What about you brother and sister?"

 "You can call her, but not him. He's still on my shit list and I  still
don't want anything to do with him."

"But Mike, just  listen to me a minute, God forbid something went wrong.
You would never be able  to say anything about what went wrong. You will never
have the chance to talk to  him."

 "That's what he has to live with, Steve. You know it, so don't try
arguing with me over this. He was the one that made the problem, Steve. He's the
one that has to live with it. Maybe that's cold hearted, but with what he
did,  it's the way it goes."

 "All right it's your decision I'll abide by that."

 "Thank you. You know how I feel about him and that hasn't changed  just
because of this."

 "All right, let's drop it. You'll just get more upset by it."

 "You're right. Now, ask the nurse for the juice to make me groggy and
give me a kiss. I'll see you when I wake up in recovery, okay?"

 "Okay, hey I love you, Babe, with all my heart. Don't forget you owe  me
a life time."

 "I love you too. Sad Sack! I'll catch you later in recovery as soon  as I
can stay awake for ten minutes."

 "Make it soon!"

 "Yeah, Yeah, Yeah."

He was out the door and  about two minutes later the nurse came in with two
syringes in her hands.

 "Those two things fully loaded?"

 "Yes, and to the hilt too!"

 "They going to put me in La La Land?"

 "I have a feeling they'll get you awfully close. Would you like   both at
once?"

 "To be honest, the sooner I'm out, the better off I'll feel. I'm  scared
to death just like the first time they did this. So, I just want to be  out
please."

 She pushed the first one in slowly, just a little push each time  until it
was empty. She put the second needle in and pushed in slowly, but never
stopping. I remember seeing her take the needle out and she asked me if I was
warm enough. I don't know if I answered her or not.

 When I came to, Steve was sitting next to me sleeping and I just laid
there for a few moments looking at him and not moving. I knew the minute I
moved  he'd be awake and two feet off the floor. I could finally focus enough to
 realize it was three o'clock in the morning. And, I was thirsty as hell.
The  second I moved the tray table, Steve was awake and standing looking at
me. It  was fun to watch him try to wake up and focus, it made me laugh a
little at  him.

 "Hey Babe! You're awake, what do you need?"

 "The water glass. I'm really thirsty." He got the tray and pushed it
over so I was able to reach the water. There were some things on the table to
eat in case I was hungry. Steve used the call button to get the nurse.

 "Why are you calling the nurse? I don't need one. I'm just  thirsty."

 "They wanted to know when you woke up and just to check on  you."

 "Glad to see you're awake, Mike! Are you hungry maybe for something
different. I could probably rustle up some better sandwiches in the kitchen
maybe for the two of you, maybe some fresh coffee? How's your pain level? Dr.
Grisales left explicit instructions about pain meds. All you have to do is
say  the word and I'll take care of that. Other than that, I'll leave you
alone."

 "I'll take a sandwich and so will Steve I'm sure he hasn't eaten  since
I was in surgery."

 "He hasn't moved or left this room since you went into  surgery."

 "Thanks. If you could get those things for us that would be good and  just
something like juice maybe to drink." I turned and looked at him, and he
had tears in his eyes. I reached over and wiped them away the best I  could.

 "Hey, what's the matter? I'm okay, I'm awake and now, I have two  holes
in my head how much better can it get? I mean really?" I was trying to
lighten his mood up, and I needed it more than he did right now.

 "What about the parents? What did they say?"

 "They were all here until you were out and up in this room. Once they  all
saw you and knew you had made it through they all felt that they could go
home because they knew... they believed you were being left in good hands. The
 rest of the family was here about the same amount of time, they all waited
until  you were out of surgery."

 "Oh yeah? How come I didn't wake up in recovery this time?"

 "The doctor just wanted you to rest for a while. He knew you were
functioning on your own. Your breathing was good and all, your vital signs were
good. So he decided to just let you sleep until you woke up. They've been
paying  a little extra attention, I know and only because I heard the doctor ask
them to  keep an eye on you."

 "So, the big question, is did they get it all?" He just looked at me  and
didn't say anything. I could tell by the look on his face that they  didn'
t."

 "How much is left... percentage wise, Steve, and don't you dare lie to  me."
 He took my hand in his and sat down on the bed side next to me.

 ""There were a few pieces they couldn't get this time. They tripled  the
dose of the chemotherapy. You will be sick probably starting tomorrow and
will be that way for quite a few days. Dr. Grisales said it didn't look the
same  as the first, so they sent it to the lab for analysis. Until they get
the  results, they're treating it the same as the first time. I guess what I'
m trying  to say is that it's not the same as the first time."

 "So, this could be another kind of cancer? Is that what it means?" I  was
getting loud and I was getting angry.

 "Michael, just calm down a minute just take a deep..."

 "Don't give me that deep breath crap, Steve! Is it or is it not? I  mean
that it's a different kind? It's a simple yes or no answer. Which one is
it?" He was just looking at me, and before he could open his mouth.

 "That fucking means yes. You're trying not to tell me that it is  exactly
that. RIGHT? AM I RIGHT?" I was yelling. He was trying to hold on to me
and trying to calm me down. The nurse came into the room.

 "IS IT TRUE? IT IS IT ANOTHER FUCKING CANCER?"

 She didn't say anything. She just grabbed the IV tube and shoved a
syringe full of something into it.

 "DON'T FUCKING DO THAT! I WANT TO KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING  ON!!!"

 Steve just held onto me and cried and just wouldn't let go. I didn't
have the energy to hit him or beat him to get him off of me. I just felt
whatever it was the nurse had given me was traveling through my veins. Steve
started letting go and took the face cloth next to my bed and began wiping away
 the tears and to calm my frustration.

 "Go to sleep, Mike. Just rest and know this is not as bad as the  first
time. Things are definitely better and so is the outlook. The doctor said  so.
Please believe me, Babe. It's going to be okay." I couldn't move and I
could  feel myself getting sleepier every minute that went by.

 It certainly was bright when I woke up. Steve was standing by the  window
looking out. I could tell he hadn't left he still had the same clothes on
as he did last night.

 "You must stink by now you're in the same clothes as  yesterday."

 "Yeah I know but you still love me, even in this state."

 "Pretty sure of yourself, aren't you mister?"

 "I'll take my chances with you accepting me in my current  condition."

 "Come over here."  I held out my arms for him and when he was  close
enough I leaned forward and grabbed him and pulled him on the bed with  me.

 "Can you forgive me?"

 "For what?"

 "For being a hysterical ass."

 "Oh that little outburst earlier.?"

 "Yeah, that outburst."

 "Well, it's not that it's another cancer. They're just not sure what  is
it. So, they are treating it like it is the same. They're just taking a
stance of not taking any chances, if it is the exact same thing. We just have
to  wait a day or two to get the final results as to what the result really
is.


"Do I have to stay here to wait? Can't they let me go home and  wait?"

 "Just because they're not sure, they want you to stay in here. I  promise
to stay with you until we find out. And don't worry, I've already talked
to George, and you're all set at work, so again, not to worry."

 We talked the rest of the night and laughed and joked with each  other. We
talked about how we wanted the ceremony to be and what we didn't want  it
to be. We called Laura several times to bounce some ideas off of her to see
what she had to say. Steve went out and got dinner for us. I was starving
for  good steak and baked potato. So, he ran across to the diner to get what I
 ordered. It was just what I wanted. Gary and Eileen showed up to visit, as
did  my parents and Steve's. By the time visiting hours were over, I was
truly  exhausted. I asked the nurse for something for my headache and
something to help  me sleep. I told Steve to go home and get a good nights sleep in
our bed and  wash up and come back up in the morning.

 It's a nice day out today, Michael. You would have loved to take a  ride
on a day like this. The sun would be warm on your skin, and the spring air
smelt fresh and the grass was turning that virgin green, which only spring
can  paint.

 I watched the coffin being lowered into the ground. I made sure he  had
his wedding ring on. It will be a long time before I take mine off, if I  ever
do. I tossed the yellow rose on his coffin and for the last time out loud,
I told him, "I love you Michael Wayne Mathews and thank you, for letting me
 share the rest of my life with you in my heart. You've held up to your
part of  the bargain."

 I haven't decided to stay in this area or not. Not matter where I go,  it
reminds me of him. Perhaps moving away would help me start my life over, if
that's possible. But, I still find myself wearing his t-shirts to bed with
a  little of his cologne splashed on it. At least, it makes me feel like he'
s here  with me.

 It's taken me three weeks to go to bed without crying. He was my best
friend and my lover. The man that taught me what love really meant and how to
love... unconditionally.  The world is truly missing  an amazing man.  His
compassion and integrity were beyond reproach. And, the thing I miss the  most
is the laughter. The laughter that had touched my heart; the laughter that
thrilled my soul. I will never regret what we had. The only regret? That we
didn't have the time we wanted with each other. I will always regret the
night I  went home to clean up and sleep at home because I left the hospital
room without  telling him that I loved him. I believe he knew. With every
touch. With every  kiss, I know he knew.