Verse 10

"Maybe we should go back," Reuben tells me.

I shake my head. I'm driving Reuben's car. I haven't stopped until we get all the way home. I'm scared about what I heard back at the Trampoline club. Some old guy was saying some bullshit about Reuben and I being reincarnated. It's some weird mumbo jumbo bullshit that I really don't have time for. Life was too short to think about shit like that and that wasn't exactly what I needed.

So why am I so emotional?

Why have I pulled over to the side of the road and I'm just sitting there?

Why am I crying?

Reuben pats the side of my back. I know he's been wanting to turn back this entire time. I know that he's been thinking about what we heard back at the Trampoline. Maybe I should have stayed and listened. Maybe I should have attempted to hear out this person who was talking to us and trying to explain what was going on in my life.

I can't...

"I don't want to go back Reuben."

"You're scared."

"I don't want to go back."

"Wait here for a while. The rain is coming down kind of hard anyway," Reuben explains to me.

I nod. I'm reluctant to do what he says. I can feel Reuben looking at me. Those eyes are dead set on me. They are digging deep into me. Fuck, he makes me melt. I hate how he makes me feel the way he does.

Out of nowhere, as I watch the rain beat on the car, I say it one last time.

"I don't want to remember. I don't want to go back."

I don't know what I'm saying I'm trying to escape. There are memories back there. There are memories that I don't want to forget. What happened to Reuben and me in that past life scares me. There was more to the story that I remembered. I didn't want to remember any of it.

"Baby I won't let anything happen to you," Reuben tells me at that moment, "I won't let that fucker do anything to do you. You know that right? Besides. Maybe it's nothing. Maybe that guy back at the Trampoline club was crazy."

"He wasn't..."

"What?"

I look at the wheel. I stare out into the darkness.

"I've lived a life with you before Reuben," I explain to him, "I remember meeting you at that club. You had on a suit. You were smooth. You were a guy that came to the gay club looking for something more than the life you had. You found me singing. You fell in love with my song. You tried to get with me. You offered me a gin and tonic. I stood you up. But even then I knew how I felt about you. I've loved you before Reuben. In another lifetime. I've loved you before. Just like I do now..."

It's hard admitting that to Reuben. It's hard talking about this with him but if I don't talk to him about this who the hell else would I talk to about it? He was the only one who would be able to understand the weird memories coming in my head. He's the only one who would be able to make sense of the feelings that I'm having.

I have to talk to Reuben and honestly right now is the only time that I can do it."

"Wait...you're in love with me?" he asks raising his eyebrow.

"Is that all you heard?"

I can't believe I just said that to Reuben. I can't believe I actually feel that way about him. Reuben bites onto his lower lip. He leans over.

"That's all I needed to hear."

His soft lips press up against mine. He climbs over my chair and straddles my waist in the driver's seat. I find myself pushing the seat back so we can have a little bit of room. I tilt the seat so far back that I'm damn near laying down in my seat. Reuben is over me.

He's kissing me hard. He's pressing me down on the seat as he sits on my lap. He tongues me down making my mouth water.

I moan out as he nibbles the side of my neck. He gets lower until he starts to unbutton my shirt. Once he opens my shirt he starts sucking on my nipples. Reuben takes both of my nipples into his mouth. He sucks slowly and intensely.

I let out deep moans.

"Fuck..." I find myself letting out.

Me moaning like that seems to turn him on. He sucks harder. He's grinding up against my balls and dick. He's attempting to get me hard and it's working. Soon my dick is pressing up against the fly of my jeans and causing me to strain in discomfort.

I can't take it any longer.

I reach down and pull my dick through the fly.

Reuben notices what I'm doing and he stares down at my dick with this desire in his eyes, "You want to try something different?"

I'm surprised when he says it.

"Like what?"

"Gimme a second."

Reuben moves back his seat, takes off his pants...and then takes off his underwear. He is completely hard. He stares at me in the most suggestive way at that moment. He bites on his lips.

"Oh...shit."

"You ready baby?" he asks me.

I don't admit it but I'm starting to like it when he calls me that. I allow Reuben to mount me again, coming on top of me. He positions his asshole right over me.

He presses down. I can feel his tight asshole muscles clinching against the sides of my dick.

"You're so tight," I tell him.

"Here. Suck it..."

I'm not sure what he means until I see him shove fingers into my mouth. He watches me intently as I suck his fingers lubing them up with my saliva. He goes so deep that I gag. Reuben seems to be turned on by this. His dick twitches up against my stomach several times. It thumps hard until I feel a little bit of precum come out and land inside my belly button. After a few seconds, he takes his fingers, wet with my saliva and lubricates my dick.

He tries again to lower his tight ass on my dick. It feels so good that I have to grab on the side of his waist to slow him down so that I don't bust a nut almost immediately. As he goes down on my dick I can't help but to close my eyes and attempt with all my might not to nut. It feels so good. After he works it a few times I find myself getting desensitized to it. It still feels really tight and warm. I'm still breathing heavy.

Reuben bounces on my dick. He's slow. He's steady. He has this motion that seems so perfect. I can't help but to thrust upward so that he feels every inch of my dick. He leans over kissing me. He's whispering the sweetest things to me. They are the sweetest things I've ever heard in my life.

"I love you. I won't let anyone get in between us. This is destiny. This is love. This is forever. You understand, Garrison? This is forever and always."

And I know that he won't lie to me.

I know that Reuben will love me forever and always because he tells me it and when he tells me it I believe him.

And right before I nut I grab him, pull Reuben close to my ears and tell him, "Forever and always."

And I know he knows that I'm not lying to him.

=====

We fuck 4 times in that car. I fuck Reuben and then Reuben fucks me. Then we swap over again. The only thing that stops us from having sex is the rain is clearing up and cars have the chance of seeing us through the clearer skies. Reuben looks over at me from the passenger side of his car. His shirt is off. His pants are halfway down still.

"I need a cigarette," he sighs.

"I didn't know you smoke."

He laughs, "That's the weird thing. I don't. That was just fucking amazing. I've seen the eyes of God. I can die now."

I laugh with Reuben but regardless of if he's joking honestly I feel like it means something to me. I feel like there is a connection between Reuben and me that no one can ever separate. There is this thing that holds us together. It's love. It's deep as fuck.

"You ever wonder what life is about?" I ask Reuben, "Why are we here? What happens when we are gone?"

Reuben leans back in his chair. He looks up at the roof.

"No."

"Really?"

He shrugs and lets out a short sigh, "Nah. I try to make the best out of my life. I figure I didn't remember what happened before I was born so why does it matter what happens when I'm dead. I just want to make the most out of today."

"What's the meaning of it all?" I ask him.

"Of what?"

"Life."

He sits there and thinks about it for a minute before looking back at me, "Maybe the meaning of it all is to find some sort of happiness. You know? Whatever that might be."

"In that case, I think we should finish your album," I state.

Reuben sighs, "I dunno Garrison. Shit with Pace is crazy. Shit with my mother is weird."

"We'll find another producer. We'll find another manager," I explain to him, "Hell. We don't need either. We'll do the album together. Just you and me."

Reuben is struggling with the idea.

"The label doesn't want me to do another sound."

I shake my head.

"No baby. You have a sound. You have a vision. I'm going to help make this come through for you," I explain to Reuben, "We are going to finish this album. We are going to let the world know exactly who the fuck Reuben is. Not Climax. No more Climax."

Reuben raises an eyebrow, "What did you call me?"

"Climax?"

"Before that."

"Reuben."

"Before that..."

"Oh..." I say laughing, "You know what I called you."

He is smiling harder than I am. His smile spreads from ear to ear, "You called me baby. I like that. I like when you call me that."

"Ok, then baby. What do you say? Let's make an album."

"Under one condition."

"Anything."

"You're on the album with me," he tells me.

I nod, "Forever and always..."

And I don't know what that means. I don't think he knows what that means either. What we both know however is that we mean it. I'd never lie to him and I don't think he'd ever lie to me.

==============

Three weeks pass.

I'm sitting in a studio. We've taken all of our savings to rent out a private studio in a small run down part of Miami. It isn't the best studio. The label is threatening to sue Reuben if he puts any of this new music out. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter to him and it damn sure doesn't matter to me.

We are together and that's what matters.

"Take it from the top?" Reuben asks me.

I nod, "Yeah. Wait. Take your shirt off..."

Reuben looks at me and raises his eyebrow, "Wait what? I thought we weren't selling sex."

"We aren't," I tell Reuben, "It's just for me..."

I have to admit it. I just like seeing Reuben sing without his shirt off. He does what I say. He takes his shirt off. All I see is pecs, abs and definition. Reuben has the type of body that makes you just exhale after you see it and wonder how the fuck you got so lucky. He walks over to the booth but before he goes in the booth he stops in front of me. He kisses me softly and sweetly. I can't help but melt in that seat.

Ever since the Trampoline club we've been closer. We've spent every minute and of every fucking day together. There was this happiness in our world. Pure happiness. It literally just felt like we found the meaning of our world and that this was what life was about.

These were the happiest three weeks of my life.

"Ready?" I ask him.

"Ready..."

I start playing on my piano at that moment. I am slow on the piano. It's sweet. The melody that I wrote for this song goes well as Reuben slowly starts to adlib soft hums in the beginning of the melody. He rides the beat as the ballad that we wrote together begins.

"Killing me softly with his words...

The words are homicidal—he worships me like an idol

The time of Revival---The sweet longing of your Arrival,

The sweet song sung like a recital...

Killing me softly, suicidal...

But it's alright...

Because you also Bring me back to life

Drowning in your song

I have no capacity to swim----with resistance looking grim

Wanting to sink into your limbs---your love is an aquarium

Already seeing angels and cherubim

Drowning in your song

But it's alright

Because you also bring me back to life...."

He stops singing. Someone has walked in and disturbed. I turn at that moment shocked to see Monica have walked in. She is standing behind me. I'm surprised to see her as much as he is.

"What are you doing here?" I ask Monica.

Monica shakes her head, "Please don't stop..."

I look over at Reuben a little confused. He nods at me. I pick back up the tune and start playing the melody again on the keyboard.

"Shot down by thoughts of love

Bullets pierce my chestplate----shot down by my soulmate

His love always shoots straight---threatens to easily annihilate

Yet I know you'll resuscitate

Shot down by thoughts of love

But IT'S ALRIGHT

BECAUSE YOU ALSO BRING ME BACK TO LIFE"

I stop playing. I'm staring at Reuben. I'm shocked that he is hitting the note that he is hitting right now. My eyes get wide. The boy is SINGING. I'm not the only one who is shocked that Reuben ends the sound with that high note. He has gone so high into falsetto and is holding it so long that I think it's someone else singing. His voice mellows out as he does runs at the end of the song.

The song is perfect.

He doesn't even need to do it again. Monica must feel the same way as well because she's standing off to the side at that moment and she's clapping.

"That was...amazing..." Monica tells him.

Reuben walks out of the booth, shirt still off. He smiles and lets out a soft, "Thanks..."

He's being humble and we both know it. He just blew it out of the fucking water.

"Wait...you just going to blow up the booth and act like you didn't do anything?" Monica asks him, "Since when have you been singing like this?"

He shrugs and looks over at me, "I've been feeling inspired lately..."

Reuben walks behind my chair and puts his arms around me. He isn't hiding how he feels about me. It's clear as day when he puts his arms around me. He hugs me from the back and kisses the top of my head. I think it would be awkward especially with Monica here but I don't care who thinks what about Reuben and I. Sure. We are both legally married to other people but we love each other and everyday that love just gets stronger and stronger.

"What are you doing here?" I ask Monica.

"I want to work with you again Reuben," she says.

"Oh my god."

I look at Reuben. This was big. This was huge!

"Oh my god...what made you change your mind?" Reuben asks.

"Haven't you heard?"

"Heard what?" I ask.

"'Doesn't seem like love' is at the top of the billboard charts," Monica explains, "With that song up there I can get you enough money to make your album with whatever sound you want to make it. Reuben, you can make the album that you've been dreaming of making. You can make the world really know who you are. Do you get that? Do you understand why this would be important?"

"It's at the top?" Reuben asks.

He looks at me.

"It's at the top..." I repeat.

Our eyes connect. We turn and we just hug at that moment. There is this unspoken bond that we have at that moment. There is this idea of accomplishment. All the hardwork had actually paid off. We were making a difference and this was the beginning of something big.

===================================================================================

"You're nervous baby," I state.

He looks at me, "Can you tell?"

I walk over to him. I fix Reuben's tie. I know he's not used to wearing this many clothes. I'm trying something different with him. It's Reuben's album release party. Everyone has come out to support him. In the corner of his room I see Janelle standing there. She looks like she is a little annoyed by all of this honestly especially because she didn't have anything to do with the album. She looks even more annoyed because of the fact that her son was clearly openly gay now.

"You look sexy as usual," I say to Reuben.

I lean forward and kiss Reuben. I do it on purpose. I am doing it because it makes his mother uncomfortable and I'm enjoying every moment of making his mother uncomfortable.

"You need to go down and meet your guests," Monica tells him, "All the executives are in the lobby waiting for you. You have hundreds of people waiting for you."

Monica was right. The hotel was booked for this event. It was one of the biggest events of the year. Reuben's listening party was going to kick him off. I look at the album cover.

It reads Revival by Reuben.

Not Climax. Reuben.

Revival was going to be the album of the year. I knew it for sure.

"Wait, baby I need to talk to you," Reuben tells me.

His mother sighs deeply, "I need a drink."

I can't help but be amused by how uncomfortable Janelle is. I can't help but feel good that Reuben finally doesn't seem to give a fuck about how his mother feels one way or another. He walks over to me and puts his hand on my shoulder. He looks at me hard.

"What is it? You should head down like Monica said," I explain.

"I need to tell you something."

"What is it?"

"I love you."

"Reuben. I know that."

"No, you don't know. I mean you know but you don't know how much I love you," Reuben explains to me, "You helped me find my voice. Do you know what that means? Do you know how it feels like to be a singer who was never able to sing?"

"You saved me too. Remember that?"

He saved me from my relationship with Sean.

He smiles, "Listen. We both were scared of something. You were scared of leaving your relationship and I was scared of being in one. Why do you think I married Pace? I was scared of actually falling in love with someone. So I figured why not just marry someone who I knew I'd never be able to really fall deeply in love with. It was safe. It was discreet. It was easy. I don't want safe. I don't want discreet. I don't want easy. I want to be scared every day of my life. I want to be excited every moment. I want you."

My heart is racing. This moment of confession seemed to be the truest I'd ever seen Reuben in my life. There is something so clear and precise about the words he is saying.

I love all of them.

"I'm not going anywhere. You know that right?"

He nods, "I know. I wanted to show you something..."

He digs in his pocket.

"Oh my god...oh my god..."

This guy was not about to...

"Baby hold your horses. It's not what you think," he says pulling a paper out of his pocket and handing it to me, "But it's a step towards what you think."

"Divorce papers."

He smiles, "Kind of. Annulment. I got my marriage to Pace annulled," he explains to me.

For a minute, I stand there and think about what he's telling me. Reuben was single now. He wasn't married! This was bigger than any news that I've ever heard. When I thought that happiness wasn't limited to one thing or another it didn't matter.

I loved him.

Janelle rolls her eyes, "Can we go now...son? People are waiting for you."

Reuben looks over at me, "You gonna come down?"

"I got him," Monica explains to Reuben.

Reuben smiles and waves away, "See you guys down there."

===========================

Reuben left me with the annulment papers. I look down at the papers and I'm just shocked that he already did this. It makes me feel bad, though. I was still married to Sean. Even if I wanted to divorce Sean I don't know if I could. I don't know if I could go through with it. I'm sitting in Reuben's hotel room and I know I can't come down with him at the same time because we don't want people to know we are a couple.

"Hollywood is already whispering about the two of you," Monica tells me, "Do you think Reuben will come out of the closet for you?"

"I don't think he cares," I explain, "I'm sure he'd do anything for me."

"And you?" Monica asks me.

I'm confused, "And me what?"

"Are you ready for this?" she asks.

"Monica you better not be suggesting---"

"No. Of course not. I'm just. I don't know. Nevermind. You ready to go down there?" Monica asks me, "Let's join the party."

I nod, "Sure."

I follow Monica out of the hotel room. We start towards the elevator but Monica stops me, "Hey---walk me down to my room really quick. I need to just change my lipstick."

I nod in agreement.

"Monica."

"Yeah?"

"I am planning on divorcing Sean. I know he's not around. He's running ... or whatever. I know I can't get him to sign the divorce papers but I'm going to divorce your brother. I just wanted you to know that."

Monica nods. She doesn't say anything. She just nods. I wonder how she feels about it. Monica always looked at me as a brother. She always fought for my relationship with Sean. She saw Sean go over the edge, though. She saw what happened between him and Desean. I wondered if she blamed herself. A part of me felt like her entire family was to blame for Sean. Maybe I was to blame for Sean as well.

We all enabled the fuck out of Sean.

We let him become the monster he was going to be.

"I'll wait out here," I tell Monica.

"Boy come on," Monica says grabbing me, "You're family."

Monica grabs my arm and helps me into the room. As we walk into the room she turns on the light. I walk into the room in an attempt to turn on another light down the hallway. I click on the light and my mouth drops open.

"Oh...my...god..." I say.

"Sorry," I hear Monica reply quickly.

Almost immediately Monica runs out of the door slamming the door behind her.

I look at the person sitting in the room. It's clear Monica has set me up. Her coming back to help Reuben was probably a set up too.

I look at my husband sitting in the chair. There is this crazed look in his eyes.

"I've missed you..." Sean says.

That's when I notice something else. Sean has a gun in his hand.

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